Lil Nas X, the rapper who climbed over the mainstream country music hurdle with the help of Billy Ray Cyrus, has come out. I rolled over in the middle of the night and saw I had a text from my son excitedly telling me and including the LGBT flag.
This is important. It touches countless lives, young and old, in a very positive way.
And it's also a thing of beauty to sit here thinking of every bigoty, Christian conservative, minivan driving mom and dad who have happily been singing Old Town Road on repeat with their kids for months.
The song, Old Town Road, is a phenomenon - originally released independently in December 2018 in the Country genre category, it began charting quickly, and by March 2019 was simultaneously on the Billboard Hot 100, Hot Country Songs and Hot R&B/Hip-Hop Songs.
But then Billboard, in their infinite wisdumb, decided it wasn't country enough and dropped it from the category. It was on its way to #1 on the Hot Country Songs list when that happened.
Enter Billy Rae Cyrus who collaborated with Lil Nas X on a remix released April 5th. The remix most of us are familiar with - and it quickly hit #1 on the Billboard Hot 100.
It is maddeningly catchy and yes, decidedly COUNTRY. It is also laden with the lyrical brilliance of rap, Lil Nas X referring it to country trap. The song, both the original and the remix version have charted #1 in Australia, Canada, France, Germany, Ireland, the Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, Switzerland, and the United Kingdom, hitting the Top 10 in many other international markets.
Here in the USA, it is wildly popular with kids. There is a Kidz Bop version, and Lil Nas X surprised an elementary school and performed it, in a video that went viral showing hundreds of kids losing their collective minds and singing along.
Yesterday, World Pride Day, and the last day of PRIDE month, he came out on Twitter. And it is wonderful. Yes, because he adds to the amazing and increasing reflection for LGBT kids and adults everywhere. Representation is a huge thing - to see yourself in places you never saw yourself before - movies, music, commercials where so much headway is being made - it is glorious, it is affirming, it is life saving in many cases. It reinforces the oft repeated message, "It gets better."
I can tell you it is true. I have seen it get better.
In his Tweet he acknowledges that may of his fans probably already knew, many did not, and that he would lose many, too. He then asked people to listen to his song "c7osure" - these lyrics are especially heartening to me - a mom with a trans pan son:
This is what I gotta do / Can't be regrettin' when I'm old.
Watching our son finally live fully, breathe freely? It is all we want for all of our kids - to not be regretting when they are old.
Of course there is going to be fallout. Conservative hair will be aflame as they delete the song from their Spotifys, vow to boycott all things Lil Nas X, even castigate Billy Ray for daring to hurt their achy breaky hearts by aligning with "one of them" - they are nothing if not pathetically predictable. (See weekend uproar over gay penguins.)
But this morning, before they grab their pitchforks and start bitching? I just have this to say: YASNAS. The world is full of people who see you, appreciate you, and will continue to ride for you til they can't no more.
Ophelie is one of "my" girls. She is the goalie on Carson's team, but she is also a phenomenal singer. O wrote this song and Carson recorded her preforming it a couple nights ago at our house.
Give it a listen, and then give her some love. Her Facebook page for her music is Ophelie Herve- head on over and give her a "LIKE."
OK, this has to be the most boring audition run yet. Seriously - when an hour feels like a Gilligan cruise, and produces no one even remotely as entertaining as Thurston and Luvvie? Sheeesh.
The highlight of tonight's episode wasn't the foster care kid or the self loving guy with the tinfoil pants, but the Where's Waldo appearance of Daniel Franco - castoff from Project Runway several season back.
I actually perked up for that. A momentary Kato Kaelin-bad penny kind of thing where you know you know the guy, can't quite place him, then Wham!
Poor Daniel. I guess this is what happens when you don't make it on one reality show. You just drift to the next one? Anyway, it answers the musicalized question, Daniel Franco, Where Did You Go? (Thanks to Lori for sending the video my way)
Moving on...
The show kicked off with a welcome to LA by resident radio Deej Ryan Seacrest, dressed in a tie no less. Forget the whole You-have-a-face-made-for-radio thing - Ryan looks dapper even when you can't really see him.
Loved the B/W footage of old Hollywood - the "epicenter of entertainment" - I guess that clip of the guys flipping that girl round and round and then heaving her counted as entertainment way back when? It just made me dizzy and brought back bad memories of how I felt the last time I drank too many Chocolate Martinis.
Adding to the odd mishmash that was tonight's episode, the producers managed to work in one of my most hated songs - Kesha's, oops, sorry, I mena Ke$ha's Tik Tok. "I brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack..."
Give me a break, little girl. Even my daughters think you're a poser.
With that stellar set of lyrics in the background, they panned across 11,000 folks gathered at The Rose Bowl to sing for the Three Musicteers and guest judge, Avril I'm-So-Cool-In-My-Horned-Hoodie LaVigne.
OK - hoodie aside, I love Avril. Gorgeous girl, steady stream of great songs. Especially fond of When You're Gone - for obvious reasons (if you're a regular reader).
First up to meet the judges, Neil Goldstein, 19, a goobery young man with an IQ of 168, a FQ (fashion quotient) of 7, and an HQ (hair quotient) of 3. He also shone brighter than the sparkles on Randy's wristwatch - the kid had a face reminiscent of the Exxon Valdez oil spill.
He bragged to the camera that "In my heart is the love to perform, the love of others, to exhilerate, to exultate..."
Why at this point was I ready to expectorate?
In went Oafy Taylor, convinced that, "Come what may, come fire, come rain, I'm going to Hollywood."
He launched into Rock and Roll Dreams Come True by Meatloaf, which could have only been eclipsed in awkwardness by him choosing Paradise By The Dashboard Light. Ugh.
Look, the kid had heart, delusions of grandeur, and a voice made for the Wii version of Idol. He, however, was undeterred by Simon telling him No.
"I am not leaving. I'm not going anywhere. Simon, there is no reality except what we make for ourselves."
Well, Neil, the reality you made for yourself is one in which you had a starring role as a shiny, sweaty, belligerent doofus. (I'm being kind.)
He finally left, but made sure to remind us that it's our loss. I shall struggle to move on, Neil...
Any way to redeem things?
Enter worship pastor Jim Ranger - family man - married, three small children. Soft spoken, passionate about his music, you liked the guy right away.
He chose to sing a tune he penned himself, Drive, and his voice immediately reminded me of Bo Bice. Full of energy, a little raw, emotional.
Avril, however, decided that with all her extensive life experience, he could not juggle his musical ambitions with a family, so she told him No. The others disagreed (perhaps visions of Fantasia, Bice, Daughtry dancing in their heads?) and sent him on to Hollywood.
Into each life a little pain must fall - this time into our ears via the musical stylings of Jayson Can-You-See-My-Tonsils-Now? Wilson, Jesse Handsomer-William-Hung Chang, and Martin Fonzerezi.
Given more time to abuse our patience and goodwill was Damien LeFavor. We got to go up to the roof with him to watch him act out a Bruce Lee movie. You see, Damien's first love is martial arts, although he is quick to point out that he is a passivist (and a sandwich maker).
Needless to say, he should stick to his day job karate chopping pepperoni at the Subway because his rendition of You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling made Maverick and Goose sound amaaahhhzing. Even Mr. Miagi would say Wax off, Damien.
The best montage of the night came next - all the little kids on hand to support their parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, siblings of aunts and uncles, parents' friends, etc (I've told you that 10,000 person turn out is mostly entourage.) Loved the kid who was obviously commiserating over his sister's vocal demise, "That was crap."
Yes, yes it was.
But Mary Powers, 28, mom to an 8 year old, had more than rectal Play-Doh to offer the judges - a rocker chick, she tore into Love Is A Battlefield. Great vocal - smoky, a little raspy, powerful. I agreed with Simon that the outfit (all black, chains, leather arm covering) were a bit overdone, but her vocal made up for her lack of polish. 4 yeses, and a bonus - her 8 year old got to come in and meet Simon.
Lest you think he is heartless - Simon loves animals and small children.
Despite 23 people receiving Golden Tickets, the producers opted to show a bunch of clips of Adam Lambert wannabes - LOVE him, hate the waste of airtime given to the pokey haired, obviously dyed black, make-up wearing "If Susan Boyle and Adam Lambert had sex, I'd be it." gang.
But we'll highlight one anyway...
AJ Mendoza, 20, was excited because he had sent a demo to Adam Lambert and received some feedback - notice, he did not say it was GREAT feedback.
In front of the judges, he scrang Kilt Of Personality (yes, I know the title is CULT, but it sounded like KILT coming out of his barely open mouth.)
Loved Avril's pithy, "Absolutely not."
AJ is a musical dude, however, with a stage background similar to Lambert's. He is currently touring in Jesus Christ Superstar - you can check out more if you dare at his MySpace page.
Day 2 dawned with guest judge Katy Perry waiting for the other judges to arrive by helicopter. She was less than impressed with the pompous excess of that move. But oh, how Randy glittered in the sun as he stepped onto the roof. That BeDazzler of his must have been like a textile Buford T Justice - in high speed pursuit of his t-shirt the night before.
Seriously, the girls in the Little Miss Perfect pageant don't sparkle that brightly. (And do NOT get me started on his scrotee - that mess of chin pubes he was sporting...)
Austin Fullmer promised the camera that "There's not anyone on American Idol that's sexually been like me."
Sirens sounded in my head.
Decked out in shiny silver pleather pants and a shirt made out of what looked like red and black duct tape, he launched into Surrender. If Mick Jagger and Mick Jagger had sex, this would be it, me thinks.
And what was with the drop to the floor to do a sitting version of jumping jacks? Yeesh. Mommy's all right, Daddy's all right, but YOU just seem a little bit weird, Austin.
As he left the room, Katy leaned over to Kara and dropped the best line of the night, "Are these people frisked before they come in here?"
Another river of tears led us downstream to Andrew Garcia. Now, obviously, as we were whisked away to the home of his parents (both former gang members), you knew he was heading to Hollywood, but it was sweet to see his once tough dad break down in tears at the kitchen table as he talked about his son.
Andrew just wants to provide for his absolutely adorable little boy, an angel with huge brown eyes and dark hair.
In front of the judges, the guy who looked like a hispanic Elvis Costello busted out a soulful, controlled rendition of Maroon 5's Sunday Morning. LOVED HIM. As did the judges - 4 yeses for Andrew.
Tasha Layton, 26, a personal assistant and a pastor was up next. A pretty young woman, in a long black sundress, she took on Baby, Baby, Baby - it was one of those effortless vocals. Maybe not enough to win a confetti shower in May, but definitely worthy of moving on to Hollywood.
Now, as has been the rhythm of this season of auditions, for every breath of fresh air we get to enjoy, there is always a Taco Bell fart not far behind.
Jason Greene, 20, was tonight's cloud of sulpherous humanity. Our first glance was one of him making love to his tummy number while looking lasciviously into the camera.
Color us all surprised when he announced his intention to sing I Touch Myself for the judges. And touch he did, all over, ending on his knees - which is where he stayed for his critique, but not before asking Simon, "Come down here and join me?"
Simon gave him two No's - one for the singing, and one for the offer of floorspace.
Katy said, "I feel dirty. It takes a lot to make me feel dirty."
Jason, with nothing to lose at this point, retorted, "I bet it does, especially with that top." (referring to her lowcut dress.) Way to make friends and influence people, Jason. Nonplussed by his ouster, he pushed up on Ryan and gave him his phone number, which Ryan handed off to a beefy security guard.
Great. Now I feel dirty. And the smell of aromasstherapy still lingers.
Katy proved far harder to impress than Kara, as was indicated by the montage of her saying No to most of Kara's yeses. Perfect opportunity, of course, to insert her hit Hot And Cold in the background.
Bringing up the rear of this Bataan Audition March, Chris Golightly, 25. Cue sad music, and footage of him watching a passing freight train.
Chris was in foster care from about 18 months to adulthood - roughly 25 families. I honestly cannot imagine that. Despite a childhood lived in constant transition, Chris is a quiet, thoughtful young man - although the Guaringlets need to go.
He sang Stand By Me and Kara announced him "One of my favorites." She loved his talent, and his story which would endear him to viewers.
Katy cut in with "This is not a Lifetime movie, sweetheart."
I do believe Kara was one breath away from "Randy, hold mah weave." Simon diffused the tension by granting Chris a "small y" for Yes, as did Katy. Kara fired back, in her best, Step off beyatch, you are a guest, I am permanent voice with a "Big Y" which was bested by Randy's "Giant Y."
And that was it for LA-LA Land - 23 Golden Tickets, a helicopter ride, an almost catfight, and a truly odd cameo of Daniel Franco. ('Fess up - did YOU recognize him?)
Wednesday night takes us to Dallas, but will the Big D be all hat and no cattle in terms of talent? See you there!
And now, the end is near, and so we face, the final curtain
My friends, I'll type it clear, recap the crap, my fingers hurtin'
We've stayed through all the fools.
Put up with Kara's and Paula's blathering
And more, much more than this,
We've endured Ryyyyan.
Regrets, we've had a few;
Alexis gone, Allison bye-bye
We did what we had to do
Although Hatt got an exemption.
Rags pondered week after week
Adam Lambert - gay or not gay?
But more, much more than this,
What became of Jorge?
Yes, there were times, you threw your shoe
When TIVO cut off before it was through.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
You replayed the show YouTube spit out.
We watched the bombs, each and every Vomm;
And did it our way.
We've loved, we've laughed and cried.
We've had our fill; our favorites losing.
And now, as cheers subside,
We find it all so damned amusing.
To think we did all that;
Endured a scream out of a nightmare,
No, it wasn't me,
It was Danny Go-key.
For what is a Matt, what has he got?
If not his mole, a hat on top.
To sing the things he truly feels;
And not the words that Kara spiels.
The record shows we took the blows -
And voted our way!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thunder!!! Lighting!!! (No, that's not a typo) Adam foreground! Kris behind him!
Welcome to the final showdown!
(Slam camera into Adam's face) It was their final battle (flash snippets of last night's show), the biggest moment of their lives. These TWO lives have been changed forever (insert dramatic heartbeat effect). But only ONE can win the title (and the chance to sing Kara's craptastic song!) This is the finale. (Cut to Ryan wedged between the angelically dressed bodies of Kris and Adam) And T.I.A.I. (cue solar flare and graphics)
Poor Ryan. One last cascade down his staircase of ego. He descended slowly, taking it all in - Scarlett/Gloria Swansen/Beauty School Drop-out/Hell, this is probably how Kim Jong Il enters a room so as to add height beyond his lifts.
And in the adoring crowd, Kimberly Locke! Patricia Heaton! (See? Everybody Loves Ryan!) And Janice Dickinson's frozen sneer.
Ryan then announced the numbers - just under 100,000,000 votes for Kris and Adam. All part of a "record setting 624 million votes" all season. (Eeesh, we need to get a life)
He then acknowledged the judges:
Randy, in a black jacket, striped shirt, and burgundy velvet bow tie - he was one straw hat short of breaking into a chorus of Lida Rose (bonus points - name the musical). They rolled a hilarious mash-up of his favorite catchphrase which went something like this, "For you, for me, for me, for you, for meyou, for you, for meyouyoume...dawg."
Kara looked lovely in a strapless black gown with Gong Show gongs handing from her ears. Her film highlighted her attempts to lessen an insult by always adding the word "sweetie" or "honey" - kind of like the southern trick of softening anything by adding "bless his heart." He is an ignert sumbitch with a gimpy leg and a strange green pus that runs from his anus and I heard he has warts on his satchel ... bless his heart.
Paula was a blurred vision, once again crammed into a sparkly gold biscuit can. She looked like she was one deep breath away from her doughy bosom oozing all over the table. Her montage highlighted her Word-of-the-Day toilet paper, "Agility, substitutions, cadence, infectious, distinctually, intonation, visceral..."
Yes, Paula, we always have a visceral reaction to you. And it tastes like bile.
Simon's worst transgression was his repeated asking of "What? Pardon? Excuse me? Sorry?" He looked dapper in his black suit with his white shirt opened to his navel.
Ryan then welcomed Kris and Adam down the stairs where he attempted to ask them some questions, but neither of their mikes were working so they sounded like they were answering from a port-o-potty on a busy runway.
They then brought up the big screen so we could visit with the crowds in Conway, Krisfest 2009, hosted by Mikalah Gordon - of course there was exuberance in abundance, but I could not focus on that as Mikalah's lips were in the way.
In San Diego, Carly Smithson and the girl stenciled on her arm held court at Adamapalooza. Excitement was palpable.
This segued into the first GROUP SONG of the night as Ryan introduced the Top 13 singing Pink's So What. As usual, they were all wearing finale night white - and I found myself questioning my Sometimer's (I don't have ALLzheimer's...yet) - who were some of those people??
Oh wait! Now I remember! Michael (didn't he used to work on an oil rig?), Jorge (muy bueno!), Hatt was there all Rico Suave' in a white silk aviator scarf. As they sang and danced, Michael took the lead as Scott's seeing eye dawg, making sure he was in the right place.
I give them this - while they are zero threat to Pink (I'm reasonably certain she could even kick Sarver's ass) - they did not sound half bad. The AI Summer Concert should be a good show. As the song neared its end and they all flowed into the audience, Adam remained on stage with Scott at his side - nice.
The first break brought us back to Ryan introducing David Cook singing a new song, Permanent. I defy you to tell me you did not tear up. The lyrics were absolutely about his brother's passing and I have no idea how David made it through. If you did not see it, listen to it here.
His eyes were full as he finished, but he held it together to hug Ryan and tell everyone that the download of the performance would be available on iTunes, with all proceeds going to ABC² - and organization which raises money to find a cure for cancer. And then, always the gentleman, he told everyone of Adam and Kris, "I don't know that America can get it wrong."
Well, for what it's worth, David, America did not get it wrong when they gave you the title. You are class, dignity, talent.
As he left the stage... Oh look! In the audience! Justin RawWeinie!
Cut back to Ryan standing at the podium - oh goodie - time for the Golden Idol Awards. (Cover that emotional bagel with a huge schmear of sarcastic cream cheese, please.)
First category? Outstanding Male (translation: worst contestants EVUH)
Wil Kunick - who somehow managed to have the lyrics to his song choice stenciled on the audition room ceiling
Michael Gurr - a man who sang through a bowel movement
Elijah Scarlett - Swing LOW, you sweet young man, you
Dean Anthony Bradford - The dude in the plaidtastic jacket who promised that "the carpet matched the drapes." Yes, but is the carpet just as greasy?
And, of course...
Nick Mitchell aka Norman Gentle - And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going ... and he meant it.
Well, golly gee willikers, guess who won? Yes, Nick, who came up to the stage from his seat in the audience, feigning embarrassment at being so casually dressed. He thanked his sister, Steve Martin, Martin Short, Nathan Lane, baby Jesus, the Lennon Sisters, his mom's tomato garden, and the guy who made his hamburger at Denny's, then he again apologized for his appearance, shouted HIT IT! and tore off his hoodie and pants to reveal...
Wouldn't it have been an Idol moment if he had been naked?
No such luck.
He was wearing his wrist bands, khaki shorts, and that god awful polyester tie dye nightmare of a shirt. And what did he sing? Silly. OF COURSE - the ONE SONG he knows. He vamped, he lay down on the stage, he went to the stage behind the judges, hideously singing al the while. Mercifully, he finally shouted "Norman Gentle 09 - Peace Out!" and walked up the aisle.
And I am preparing a clASS action lawsuit to sue for those five minutes of my life which were stolen. Email me if you want in.
The camera then cut back to Ryan, wearing Norman's headband and glasses, which looked like they had been dipped in a vat of olive oil. Yerk.
Cue Lil Rounds to sing Cue The Rain. She strutted on stage in black capris, a black and white colorblock top, heels, and about ten yards of polyesthair. After one verse she was joined by Queen Latifah who looked like a big black sausage - and no, I do not mean the color of her skin. I mean the body stocking she was stuffed into.
Who the hell dressed her? Jimmy Dean?
And what was with wearing half a leather jacket?
Look, I adore Queen Latifah, I really do. And she embraces every curve she has - more power to her - but this duet was as lacking in energy as a ten watt lightbulb.
Next!
Coming back from the break, Anoop kicked things off with Jason Mraz's I'm Yours. I miss Anoop. Hell, I miss Anoop's eyebrows. He's a good singer with a great attitude. He was quickly joined by Alexis in a red tunic which threatened to reveal her own carpet/drape details, and boots that came halfway up her thighs.
I miss her, too. If I had to point to one contestant who truly was gone way too soon, it would be Alexis. Cute as a button, with a huge voice.
As they sang, it was no big surprise when Jason Mraz walked down's Ryan's staircase and joined in. Jason was a vision in a Peace sign t-shirt, white jacket, JEANS, and bare feet. Oh, and he's not bad live. Then suddenly, like bugs, the remaining Top 13 (sans Adam and Kris) crawled up out of the audience and finished the song with them. Seriously, they weren't there, and then like Children of the Corn, they emerged.
Ryan then rolled two minutes worth of Kris journey footage, which we have all seen before, so let's move on to Kris performing Kiss A Girl with Keith Urban.
They both played the guitar throughout and it was a joy to watch Kris - this was obviously his type of song, he looked comfortable, happy, having the time of his young life. For his part, Keith was his usual sexy, scruffy (sexffy?) self.
And there we were, happily comfy, enjoying an upbeat tune about kissing a girl, when the gears shifted so fast the transmission fell out the bottom of the damned car.
KABOOM.
Well, more like KABOOM BOOM POW, but that comes in a minute.
On the stage behind the judges stood Jasmine, Lil, Alexis, Megan, and Allison singing the intro to Fergie's Glamorous Life. Which, of course, led right into Fergie, all ten feet of her (good God, those shoes looked like Spanish Inquisition torture devices) in a duct tape dress, strutting out to sing Big Girls Don't Cry.
Fergie is a goddess. And she works at it. Face it, legs like that don't just grow on trees. Or else we'd all have leg trees in our backyard and mine wouldn't stop two feet short of the floor like they do.
As Big Girls wound down, Allison called out the Black Eyed Peas who joined Fergie for Boom Boom Pow, surrounded by dancers straight out of a TV test pattern. And I thought Queen Latifah's body stocking was bad, these poor dancers were completely encased - not a scrap of person showing through.
Like everyone else, I'd like to know what Ferg was singing or doing to herself with that Wolverine hand of hers because they felt the need to shut off the sound and roll the AI graphic around for a good ten seconds. The song moved on, the guys rapped, the test patterns frisked the Peas, and we were done.
Oh. Good. More. Golden. Idols.
The category? Best Attitude! Those nominated:
Katrini Girl Darrell - she of little attire
Alexis Cohen - everyone's favorite purveyor of profanity from Season 7
Tiffany Shedd's Eyelashes - the girl who "learned to pee on the safe side"
Color me shocked. Shocked, I tell you! Katrina won! Woo hoo(ters)! Out she walked with forty extra pounds of hair on her head, shiny pink bikini in place, and some brand new boobs. Yes, even Simon was impressed, mouthing "Wow."
She made her way over to Ryan, gave him another dose of her DNA, and even he commented, "I was going to ask you 'What's new', but I think I know."
He then afforded her the opportunity to sing Vision of Love, so she strode to the center of the stage and began to take a steamy dump all over it. She sounded awful. I was surprised because I do remember the audition phase and her not being so bad paint would peel.
Suddenly, the screen behind her went up, and just as she was ready to launch into verse 2, there was Kara, who proceeded to vocally bitchslap Katrina.
I truly think Bikini Girl was surprised, and not very amused. But come on. She'd have to be as high as giraffe twat to not have seen this coming.
Kara can SANG. Katrina tried to join in, but didn't have a chance. Kara finished the song with a huge note and by ripping open her dress to reveal her own bikini.
I do believe Katrina Darrell dun got served.
And judging by the quick cut to David Cook in the audience, he thought the entire thing was stupid. Then again, a little thing like death of a loved one puts a lot into perspective.
AFTER THE BREAK Allison joined Cyndi Lauper on stage to sing Time After Time. I have never liked this song EXCEPT when sung by Cyndi, but this was actually really good. Their voices worked well together and Cyndi looks fabulous. (Have always loved her - anyone else remember her on Mad About You?)
Ryan then spent a moment with Kris's parents - both obviously proud - Mom, dressed to the 9s in a red chiffon gown (sorry, but more than a tad unflattering), and then he moved to the other side of the crowd to check in with Adam's folks who were *SHOCK!* both obviously proud.
Next up was Danny Gokey sitting on the stairs singing Lionel Richie's Hello. Danny's got a voice we will all definitely be hearing in a year. Lite FM was made for this kid. No big surprise that he was soon joined by Lionel, himself, looking very well preserved and wearing Adam's Mad World coat from last night.
They grooved through Lionel's newest song that every woman laughs at, Just Go. Like hell. I laughed my ass off the first time I listened to it on the radio.
So you can just chill And clear your head And let me do everything for you cause you deserve it Prepare your meal And make your bed Well let's just switch places with you cause you are so worth it.
Look, I have a good man. And this is still hilarious to me. Rudy cannot make the bed right to save his life, and were he to switch places with me for just ONE day? I'm pretty certain a fairly important vein about three inches behind his forehead would explode.
They finished with All Night Long, punctuated by Danny's inability to " Parti', Karamu', Fiesta" in any way, shape, or form. Get that boy to an Arthur Murray class.
Coming back from another break, Ryan rolled Adam's journey tape, and then Adam stood on the stage by the judges, a single spotlight illuminating his black leather, studs, platform boots, eyeliner, and sparkling shadow. Oh, and the totally unique use of Lacrosse baskets on his shoulders. It was like Project Runway crossed with Rock Star.
And then we heard it.
The opening piano chords of Beth.
NO FREAKING WAY was my first thought.
He sang the song, and then POOF!, the stage imploded and as the sparks fell to the ground, there they were, in all their silver booted, spandexed, bewigged, iconic glory - KISS.
Oh, how I have missed Gene's tongue. Adam's cannot even come close.
They partied through Detroit Rock City and I Want To Rock And Roll All Night, and if Kris seemed comfortable with Keith Urban? Adam was HOME. He fit in so completely, from the notes he hit, to the screaming he worked in, to the ten inch high platform boots. And the best part? There had to be a contestant like Adam or KISS would never have touched that stage.
THIS WAS AWESOME.
Another break and Carlos Santana took over the show. The guy is everywhere - on records, my shoes, champagne (cause it's so crisp - bonus points alert!). He strummed, as only Carlos can, to Black Magic Woman and then Hatt went and ruined it all by appearing and sleezing it up. Between his red satin shirt and his oozy looks into the camera...
As the band moved into Smooth, Hatt was quickly joined by the other Top 13, all dressed in black and red. The solos were fine, but when they all hit the chorus? Anything but Smooth. It was like getting an enema full of gravel. Probably the worst number of the night.
Ryan then rolled the final Ford Vommercial - a montage of all the other Vommercials with Adam and Kris singing I Will Remember You. It was actually kind of sweet.
Suddenly David Cook's face filled the screen and whispered, "Big surprise for Adam and Kris - no idea what's about to happen, so check it out."
If you didn't see what was coming, you deserve to be run over by a fleet of Fusions. David met them as they got out of their limo, walked them around a corner and presented them with keys to their own 2010 Fusion Hybrids.
With more time to fill (kill?), Ryan welcomed comedian and music lover Steve Martin to the stage. He was joined by his bandmates and Michael Sarver and a gorgeous Megan Corkery - I want that beige and brown chiffon dress.
As Steve strummed the banjo, they sang an original tune, Pretty Flowers, off his new CD.
I still think Michael has a future in Nashville. Megan? Well, cruise ships are always full of infectious singers (and Norwalk virus).
I wish Steve had done more than play the banjo - not sure what. Maybe a few notes of King Tut at the end?
ANOTHER break and the show returned to the strains of Do Ya Think I'm Sexy. The guys were on stage in dark suits and ties - you know, without the pressure of competing, Anoop has his sexyback. Hatt just continues to skeeve me out. And kudos to Scott - he handled the chorughraphy beautifully.
As they finished, Rod Stewart rose from the dead (ok, ok, he's not THAT old) - he rose from below the stage and carefully (don't want to break a hip) ambled down the stairs where he grabbed Matilda (did she have a tennis ball on the bottom???) and sang Maggie May.
Oh Rod.
Clad in plaid, his hair still a cockatoo atop his head, he was fine. Obviously not the swaggering, stretch pant clad singer of his youth - more like an ad for Geritol - but he still has that signature gravel in his throat and enjoys what he does.
Heck, he even had Paula's biscuits dancing.
Oh. No. Sadness. Only one Golden Idol left to give out?
This one was for Outstanding Female (as in female standing furthest outside the winner's circle).
Chelsea Marquardt - "I can't give any more" ... and we're glad.
Irene Anguelova - Somewhere Over The Rainbow bluebirds commit hari kari.
Dana Moreno - who sounded like she was being thrust Through The Fire as she auditioned.
Tatiana Nicole Del Toro - "I am a damned good vocalist."
Yes, Tatidrama took the honor, then she took the stage in too little taffeta to sing another verse of Saving All My Love as security guards pretended to chase her around.
Ha. Ha. Patience. Thin.
Moving on...
The break brought us back to Adam and Kris behind the judges singing the opening to We Are The Champions.
Which meant it was not long before the stage again exploded, revealing ... QUEEN! (And the Idol Tabernacle Choir). Like the appearance of KISS, this was a thoroughly enjoyable time. Yes, Kris was no match vocally with Adam, but no matter - everyone enjoyed it.
I do believe even Freddie was rocking on the other side as Adam filled his shoes with aplomb.
Sure, Adam could master every note Freddie ever scaled, but I think he has his eyes set on a solo career, not becoming a front man, even for one of the most famous groups in rock history.
One more break and it was FINALLY time for the results we waited all season for. Ryan asked Simon for his final words to the guys, "I thought you were both brilliant, incredibly nice people, and I think both of you should be very proud of what you achieved last night. The future's all yours."
Edward Boddington of Telescope then somberly walked the results envelope to Ryan, certified said results, and for the final time of 2009, the lights went down.
After five months, 654 million votes, and more than a few ruined manicures on this keyboard...
The winner of American Idol 2009 is ... KRIS ALLEN.
As Kris's mouth dropped open for about the fifteenth time this season, Adam pulled him into a bear hug - I think he was genuinely happy for Kris. Adam doesn't need a confetti shower - Simon is right, The future's his, regardless of the vote.
For his part, Kris was speechless, and when he managed to get some words out said, "It feels good, but Adam deserves this."
Yes, vocally Adam can go places no man has gone before, but Kris, you touched a helluva lot of people by being genuine, honest, sweet, and talented. You don't have to beat people over the head to make them recognize that.
Ryan presented him with the first ever AI Winner's Trophy - a heavy, hokey silver microphone, then as Adam hugged Kris again - they both laughed, and I have a feeling what Adam whispered to Kris was along the lines of, "Ha, ha dude. YOU have to sing that hot turd again."
And he did. The band played No Boundaries, Kris sang his way through it. It sucks. It sucks more than Do I Make You Proud, and that takes a lot of SUCK.
As he finished on the stage behind the judges, flanked by the Top 13, Nokia dandruff thick in the air, the sweetest moment of the season happened. His wife appeared and as she held him, he began to cry.
The nice guy finished FIRST.
Hell, a nice guy finished second and third, too.
It will be interesting to see how their careers play out. This group has a wealth of talent and their futures are bright indeed.
And so that wraps up another season of American Idol. I want to thank you all for coming along for the ride again. Thank you for your feedback, your harassment as I made you wait for the recaps, and as always, THANK YOU for making DGMS one of the stops as you travel through cyberspace.
If you came for the recaps, I hope you stick around for the rest. And if you are already a regular member of this family? Well, you know who loves you, baby. Now, I return you to your regularly scheduled lives - and as Norman Gentle put it - Peace Out.
Visual presentation. Originality. Concept. Menu. And, of course, taste.
All of the components we Bravo-TV addicts have come to recognize as the qualities which define a finale cook-off between two Top Chef contenders.
But, just as easily, these same qualities can be used to describe the two contestants left standing in the showdown at the Nokia.
On Top Chef, make no mistake, both finalists can julienne a carrot, sear a cut of meat, and pair it with a proper heady wine. They are chefs, that's what they do. But what separates them is their style, their vision, their presentation, their interpretation, and their ability to coax something new out of ingredients both tried and true.
Is a contestant one who embraces Wyley DuFresne bombast and creativity? Does he/she use chemistry + artistry (charmistry?) to create foams, suspensions, emulsions - foodstuffs which defy convention, but result in drama on the plate and excitement on the palate?
Or is he/she a student of the classics? No less adept at creating pleasure for the consumer, but who favors subtlety over theatrics. Creating comfort food for the soul, tastes both reassuring, yet also distinct. Deceivingly simple, yet you know you could not reproduce it on your own.
Harold, winner of Season 1 of Top Chef was the latter. He eschewed tricks and gimmicks and theatricality, sticking to what came naturally, serious food with serious taste. Plus, it didn't hurt that every single competitor liked the guy. He was NICE.
Adam Lambert and Kris Allen come from opposites sides of the aural kitchen.
Adam is a vocal El Bulli - churning out never before heard sounds, twists, flavors. His presentation is always dramatic, always exciting, always aimed at shocking the customer. It could be said that he is an acquired taste.
Kris is like Harold. Quiet, unassuming, but possessed of talents which have guided him to a spot in the finale. Meat and potatoes is Kris's bill of fare. And one never goes away hungry, although his presence means he has always left us wanting more.
Both guys can fricassee a note. Both of them can take an old ingredient like Disco Week and bring us something original (Kris's acoustic She Works Hard For The Money, Adam's take on If I Can't Have You).
At this point, there really is no loser. Both men deserve to be in the Nokia cooking up their specialties. What will separate them are we consumers. So where will your eardrums dine? Cafe Bombast headed up by Chef Adam? Or the Soul Food Cafe - Chef Kris behind the offerings?
The table's been set. Let's dig in...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The show opened with a crowd shot of the cattle call audition phase - hopefuls screaming, "I'm the next American Idol!" This segued into snippets from both Adam's and Kris's auditions in which they faced the camera and said:
Adam, "I am 1 of 100,000." (No, not really, as most of the 100,000 came to support, not sing.)
Kris, "I am the voice in the crowd that needs to be heard." (Which is amazing in its foreshadowing of underdogma (under dog + drama) as he has had to fight his way through the crowds who received face time. I still marvel at how much time was given to covering Bikini Girl's uncovered parts, and Norman Gentle's headbanded antics.)
The hyperbole then rolled - video of the judges throwing out words like brilliant, dark horse, rock god, big time, exciting, stunning - all interspersed with clips of Adam's tongue and Kris's smirk.
Two are left standing (the bodies of Jessie Langseth, Allison Iraheta, Anoop Desai made to sit), but only ONE can take it all. (Not really since at least five of the Top 6 will release albums in the next year.) But it is YOU who decides which will claim victory. THIS is the FINAL performance show (thank GOD), and T.I.A.I.
As the graphics finished rolling I was relieved to see they had allowed Ryan O'Hara to bring her staircase from Tara - she made her way to the bottom to greet 7,000 people who truly won't give a damn a two months from now. Life, and American Idol, are funny that way.
Acoustic rocker vs Glam rocker! Conway vs California! The guy next door vs The guy-liner! Ahhh, labels! They make we unwashed masses feel good.
He then greeted the judges - Randy of Hot Lava Bomb Used Cars, dressed in a purple checked shirt, plaid jacket, and a polka dot tie; Kara Still-Auditioning-For-A-Deodorant-Commercial Dio Guardi; Paula, freshly Mystic Tanned to Level 10 (she looked like a basted turkey in a Butterball ad) which set off her fluorescent green satin top; and Simon, who showed reverence for the setting and occasion in a white button down (UNbuttoned to show the down on his chest) and black suitcoat.
Adam and Kris then came out long enough to reveal the results of the coin toss - Kris won, choosing to sing second (smart young man - AI Commandment #25: Thou shalt never forsaketh an opportunity to snaggeth thy pimpeth spot.)
Each was set to sing 3 songs: one of their choosing from during the season; a song selected by AI creator Simon Fuller (what?!? No Clive Davis?? Is he even still alive?) And they would both be forced to sing the coronation anthem co-penned by Kara, called No Boundaries.
Ryan then warned that Wednesday night's show was not going to fit into the allotted two hours, so adjust your DVRs accordingly. I swear, two+ hours of fluff and filler and still that's not enough to reveal the results? Oh well, milk that cash cow, Idol, she's about to run dry for another seven months. Just be a gentleman and use some lotion first - her nipples are sore.
Adam chose to reprise Mad World, but not before they ran a video of his parents talking about how he used to scream every night till he was 18 months old. And after that, it was hard to take him anywhere in public because he was so loud and hyperactive. Color me shocked.
The smoke rolled across the stage, and Adam rose from below it - at least I think it was Adam. High atop Mt. Crumpet, with green lights glaring, it could have been the Grinch for all I could tell. Ahhh, wait, there he is. A vision in a black. A trenchcoat over JEANS, boots, a black T emblazoned with silver spaghetti, and finished off with fingerless gloves.
He milked the theatricality of the set as only Adam could do, slowly walking down the stairs, parting the sea of smoke as he reached the bottom. The song was almost secondary. And that was the problem. Yes, he sounded as good as when he sang it weeks back, but back then he had stayed focused solely on the song. Hell, given the Lambert Blues (lighting package available at all home improvement stores), you could hardly see him back then.
As for the song itself, I sense it is highly autobiographical for Adam. Face it, it is not easy to be an Adam as a teen. High schools are merciless places for those who are different. Only when they throw their cap into the air can they begin to look back at their unkind peers and go "Suck it."
Randy Tarlek (bonus points to those who get that reference) lauded Adam's "sensitive side" and gave him an "A+ on that one"; Kara called him "an incredible artist" and told him he "rocked it again tonight"; Paula said he was "astonishingly handsome" and that she was "unbelievably proud" of him; Simon said that while he "always thought it was your best performance" maybe, just maybe, this time was "over theatrical" in a "Phantom of the Opera" way.
It was then time to see Kris as a child - same face, only smaller. His mom lamented how they had to once pay him a quarter to sing for family and friends, but that a few years back he gave her coupons for her birthday - now when she wants a song, she can just present one of them and he has to warble on command.
Kris chose to reprise Ain't No Sunshine on the piano. Smart choice. Far enough back that I honestly could not really remember the first time he sang it. Dressed in JEANS, a Tshirt and black vest - did anyone else notice the boy has some serious guns?!?! - his performance highlighted everything that I love about him. He is more than a singer, he is a musician at heart. He understands finessing a song, emoting throughout - he was strong, connected, passionate.
Rozo The Clown called it "one of your best performances ever"; Kara agreed with Rozo and said Kris has "a way of creating an intimate bond with everybody in the audience"; Paula read something from the back of a Herbal Essence bottle: "You awaken the spirit in all of us with your unique way of Allenizing your trademark all over. Lather, rinse, repeat." Simon was candid, admitting that last week he wasn't sure if "America had made the right choice." Then he added, "I absolutely take all that back after that performance."
Round 1, per Simon: Kris.
Round 2 - Simon Fuller's choice, kicked off with Adam, resplendent in a shiny silver suit from the Jonas Brothers Collection, singing Change Is Gonna Come.
Wow. Truly. I loved how restrained he kept the vocal until well past the 2/3 mark and then he opened up, his tongue fell from his mouth, and he poured everything into the ending. I am always humbled by the sound and control he has - again, maybe not your first choice off the menu, but amazing nonetheless. And his ability to climb a note? Well, many a contestant tries and often gets up there only to find the ladder has fallen down and left them hanging. Not so, Adam. It's a smooth ascent, and an effortless glide back down.
Randy said again, "you can sing your face off" (perhaps that is why his tongue constantly falls from it?); Kara said, "that may have been your BEST performance and interpretation of a song from the beginning of this competition"; Paula cheered, "That was the best I've ever heard you sing, EVER."; Simon kept it brief: "You are 100% back in the game."
Coming back from the break, Kris began to sing Fuller's choice for him, What's Goin' On? Sitting on the stage, guitar in hand, casual in a gray long sleeved shirt and JEANS (no costumes for Kris), he was flanked by a drummer, a guitarist, and Kat McPhee's luggage abuser.
This left the focus on Kris and his interpretation of the song. And it's not a song that needs dicked with - Kris seemed to understand that, in fact, stripping it down brought the message across even louder. Again, meat and potatoes, here. Not chemical balancing and nitrous oxide reductions.
Randy called it "a little bit light" but that it was also "great"; Kara appreciated that he has "stayed true to yourself from Day 1"; Paula wittily said, "I know what's goin' on. You tore that song up and made Marvin Gaye proud."; Simon was not as impressed, likening to "three friends in their bedroom strumming along to Marvin Gaye" and adding it was "too laid back for a night like this."
Another break and we returned to Ryan surrounded by the discarded Top 13 - Anoop is still embracing argyle, and poor Scott, well, nobody told him which direction to face.
Adam was back for his final number, the Kara co-written song, No Boundaries - this year's Moment Like This Time Of My Proud Life.
Standing in the spotlight, dressed in acid abused JEANS and a jacket decorated on one shoulder with tire tread, Adam launched into a number I can only assume he had not been able to rehearse very much.
Whoa. There were bum notes, pitch issues, he was even Desperately Seeking Susan, if Susan had an oxygen tank with her. Yikes. NOT an Adam calibre performance. Yes, he had his big ending, and nailed those final notes, but overall? Methinks Adam was hating that song and that perforcemance of it.
Randy called it "a little pitchy in spots," "just aiight", but reiterated that Adam can "sing the phone book"; Kara said, "It is amazing when someone of your level of talent sings a song you've written. I'm moved, I'm proud, and thank you for giving me that moment." (So let me get this straight - it is all about Kara?) Paula was at a loss, "Adjectives can't express what you've brought to Season 8." And she called herself a "fan forever." Simon threw the whole contest idea out the window with, "I'm not going to judge you on that song, I'm going to judge you on the season. You have been one of the best, most original contestants we've ever had on the show. " Simon "genuinely believes" they have found a "worldwide star."
And I'm not going to quibble with that. Adam's rocket has been launched. He is going to have a huge future and more offers than a hooker on dollar night. I do take issue with not judging his last performance which, on a scale of 1 to Adam's best, sucked worse than that dollar hooker.
One more break and Kris took a whack at Kara's treacly song. In JEANS, a gray shirt, loose tie, and a black jacket buttoned up like the AC was too high, Kris began to sing, but he, too, looked like he was in the Seventh Circle.
Standing at Matilda, he seemed to connect with the lyrics better than Adam, but then his vocal train skidded off the tracks more than a few times. He obviously cannot do the cordal gymnastics which are the hallmark of his competitor, but he did his best. Even the East German judge would give him 7.9 for artistic effort and a clean dismount.
Randy called him an "amazing competitor" and said he thought the "song fits your voice better than Adam's"; Kara - THE WRITER - said, "I don't want you to be judged on that song, I do think it was too high." Then she called him a "compelling artist." Paula said "you deserve where you are in that spotlight"; and Simon agreed that he "thoroughly, thoroughly deserves to be standing on that stage."
The show ended with every screen in the Nokia rolling footage from the early auditions to the final songs, while Carrie Underwood sang Home Sweet Home. (Was it just me or was that not Carrie's best effort either?"
Watching the video, I caught myself smiling. Amazing what you forget as the months roll by. Bunny rabbits, windows almost taking out the entire judges' table, Bikini Girl swapping spit with Ryan, tears, angst, lip piercings, and delusions aplenty.
All reminders of why we return to this show each January. Delusions. There is never a shortage. Cheap gas? Mortgages? Money for college? Yep - all in short supply. But not delusions. We have a bumper crop, rain or shine. And as long as we have our delusions, the terrorists can't win.
So, now we are down to the results. How do you think things will pan out? Meat & potatoes or something jazzier with a port wine reduction?
Yes, Adam is obviously more worthy from a vocal standpoint, but those Danny voters share the same demographic pie slice with Kris fans. Methinks an upset could be in the offing.
Oh hell, either way, these guys are never looking back. Fortune is shining on them, and I am happy to say that this season, BOTH finalists are equally deserving of the honor, and the menu is richer for them both being on it.
Before I get into the recap, a couple housekeeping items...
Jill - YES. I pulled up Tuesday's show and Simon was covered in forenSICK evidence of Paula's molestation and assault.
Kris's wife's belly. I agree, she looks a tad fuller than when we started down this road. If, in fact, there is a baby in the offing - congrats to them. That child will be a doll.
And to everyone who enjoyed yesterday's recap - THANK YOU. I've said it before - by the time I get done writing these things I have lost all perspective as to whether I managed to make any of the show funny or not.
Quite a few of you emailed asking how I come up with intros like the Tale of Two Cities. Simple. I don't have a freaking clue. I can tell you WHEN it came to me. That would be roughly 2:47am Wednesday morning. I was in bed listening to the ^&%$#! cats play with their jingle ball toys downstairs and I was trying to decide how to title the recap. Two songs. What has two? Songs are sometimes called ditties. Tale of Two Ditties? Coool. Now go back to sleep, you pathetic woman.
The title would have been fine, but I made the mistake of pulling up the intro in the book - I remembered from reading it in high school - "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..." But then as I read the entire opening, my mind began associating moments from this season with each line.
THAT is why the recap was so late in being posted yesterday. Once I got the idea, my stupid, naggy mind would not let go of it, so I had to find a photo for everything.
So there you have it. Middle of the night. Slightly OCD around the edges when it comes to taking an idea to its fullest. And cats who have no business playing with jingle balls at 247am.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The results show opened with Ben Stiller addressing the masses: Last night, Ryan Seacrest was injured in a horrible bikini waxing accident (and apparently all the hair that was pulled out was then glued onto Ben's head (looking a little scruff there, Zoolander). I'm Ben Stiller, and THIS is the American Idol DESK.
(WARNING - CRAFTY MOVIE PIMPAGE TAKING PLACE)
With the help of his costars in the upcoming Night At The Museum sequel, Ben explained that the American Idol judges' desk was soon to be going to a place of honor at the Smithsonian with other "historical, iconic ... stuff."
I'll leave it at that. Yes, in the pantheon of pop culture, American Idol certainly has its place, but I get a tad indignant at the constant product / movie / CD placements we are forced to sit through.
After the graphics rolled, Gloryan Swansen drifted down her staircase...
(You just know that since the staircase retracted on Debbie-The-Stage-Manager, Ryan's O-ring goes into a vapor lock of fear each time he walks down them.)
As he began to address the crowd, the camera caught the judges' desk and the empty chair of Ms. Abdul. What? Not in her chair on time? Would we be denied her cashewy presence?
Ryan explained that over 88 million votes came in after Tuesday's show, with just over 1 million separating the top two vote getters. Go America! Way to burn up those phone lines!
A hello to the judges revealed the newest Teletubbie, Rinky Winky, looking fine in bright purple; Kara Dio Right Guardi auditioning for yet another antiperspirant commercial; Paula *POOF* was suddenly in her seat dressed like Miss Kitty's whorish cousin from the next county over, Miss Titty. Her hair was up, yet down, her boobs were threatening to break through the saloon doors of her bustier. Really. Who dresses this woman? For his part, Simon learned his lesson - he wore dark gray to better hide any fallout from Paula's troweled on make-up (she looked like she had been punched in both eyes).
Ryan then rolled the Vommercial, this one set to Break My Stride. This VOMM found the guys walking around the corner of a city street to get in their spiffy Ford Mustang, only to have their progress impeded by three vicious, slobbering dogs.
No worries! Adam is able to go all A Ha / Take On Me and cartoon himself through a wall where he finds a cartoon steak grilling on a cartoon stove. He throws it to the dogs and they are able to get in their car.
But wait! You can't ride around in a convertible on a cloudy day! Kris A Ha's himself, too, and chases the clouds away.
Finally, faced with Fusion gridlock, Danny emerges from the car, and like Moses, parts the Ford Sea so they can drive through.
Instead of the Vommercial driving right into THE GROUP SONG, this time we were treated to Keep A Child Alive Ambassador, Alicia Keys, gorgeous in a simple beige bubble dress and flowing locks, walking out onto stage to talk about her experiences working in Africa. She spoke of the "resilience and courage" of all the children and then introduced a young man named Noah whose dream it is to record an album to help raise money to fight HIV in his country.
OK, shameless heartstring plucking, but so what. He was adorable. Dressed like a mini Kanye West, Noah came out on stage to sing I'm The World's Greatest - he was dressed in silver and green high tops, JEANS, a shiny t-shirt, and a leather jacket - AND he was having the time of his young life.
Is he a great singer? Um. Noooo. But that was really beside the point. What he didn't give my eardrums. he made up for by giving my face - a HUGE SMILE.
AFTER THE BREAK, the Top 3 were shown backstage and Ryan called Danny out to watch the footage from his trip back to Milwaukee. In the video there was, of course, the private jet, a stretch SUV, police escorts, screaming fans, a requisite local FOX affiliate appearance, radio shows, etc.
And then he got to meet up with BFF Jamar, and that was sweet. The guys are tight and I always like it when men are able to escape the machismo factor and just show raw emotion.
The video then highlighted a crazy woman in pink plaid pants and a feather boa frantically chasing his limo, then a parade where a little girl summed up his appeal, "He's cute, he's got good glasses, and he lives in Milwaukee!"
Sigh - I can almost hear Laverne and Shirley singing about making their dreams come true...
For his part, especially during the parade, Danny was truly overwhelmed by the show of support. Thousands upon thousands of people turned out to watch him receive the key to the city, to hear him perform, watch him throw out the first pitch...
For Danny, it was ten months since he lost Sophia, and I'm sure it was, as he put it, "a bittersweet homecoming."
Ryan then took the lights down, recapped all the critiques from the night before and then ... revealed NOTHING. Go sit down, Danny.
Then it was Kris's turn to come out and watch his private jet ride back to Arkansas, his FOX appearance, his radio shows, his performances. Over 20K people turned out to scream and hear him perform at the Riverfest Amphitheater in Little Rock.
How surreal must it be for these guys? They left these hometowns as nobodies and now they are welcomed back as conquering heroes. Pretty cool.
His wife rode beside him in the parade, Kris Allen Day was proclaimed, and his video wrapped up with him humbly telling 20K screaming fans, "You've changed my life ... thank you SO much."
(My favorite piece of his trip tape? The long, emotional hug from his dad in the driveway. I teared up.)
Ryan then recapped last night's two songs and sent Kris to wait with Danny.
Twelve more commercials, and we came back to see that Season 6 winner, Jordin Sparks, is no longer a little girl.
OK, ok - at six foot thirteen, she has never been a little girl, but WHOA, girlfriend has grown up. She looked amazing - tall as ever, but totally toned up, hair all touseled, like an Amazonian Beyonce. The girl looked HOT. She wore a strapless black dress covered with shimmering sequins and worked the stage like a seasoned pro.
Her voice is as big as I remember, but it now issues from a strong, confident woman. The only bad part of the performance? That final shot of her face. It said, I'm-Now-Going-To-Suck-Your-Brains-Out-Through-Your-Eye-Sockets.
Another break and it was time to return to San Diego with Adam. Private jet, stretch limo, police escort, and TONS of screaming fans - face it, he's a rock star. After appearing on his local FOX affiliate and applying eye shadow to the weather girl, he did some radio shows and was followed everywhere by Bubba the Body guard. That guy was HUGE.
I liked his return to the Metropolitan Educational Theater where he grew up performing - that was a nice touch, especially him answering questions from the little kids. He was then swept away to Mt. Carmel High School where he rode around the track like the Homecoming King (Yes, I considered typing 'queen', but figured someone out there would accuse me of being rude - not so.) and then as he prepared to perform, a girl ripped off her top and rushed the stage, only to be stopped by Bubba.
Poor Adam. Get used to it, buddy. The underwear is going to be flying fast and furious from now on. (Even Clay and Ruben had a collection of it they traveled with - it had everything from thongs to granny panties that had been thrown up during their concerts.)
His video wrapped up with a visit to Miramar - the Marine Corps Air Station - where he sang the National Anthem in front of a flag the size of my house.
With the lights down, Ryan rambled through last night's critiques and then sent him to squash a cushion with Kris and Danny.
Coming back from the break, Ryan was sitting with the guys and Danny complained, "Let's just get to it - enough commercials, enough playing around..." He was cut off by Adam hollering, "I want to see Katy Perry!"
Wish granted, Adam. In fact, Katy's Waking Up In Vegas act opened with a shot of her white satin cape which had been stitched with the words ADAM LAMBERT.
I do believe you have another fan, Adam.
Katy was dressed like a 70's era Elvis if he had had nice legs and boobs (not moobs) - killer collar, lots of rhinestones and satin, and her backup dancers were decked out in Las Vegas showgirl costumes - feathers were in abundance.
But this performance was no jackpot. More like winning on a penny machine downtown at the Slots-O-Fun. Woo. Freaking. Hoo.
I like Miss Perry's music and never change the station when she comes on the radio, but this LIVE performance was not good. She was pitchy, off kilter, out of breath, and a little manic.
Kind of like Waking Up In Vegas with a bad hangover. (Not that I would know what's that like ... lately...)
Her act ended with a confetti shower and a contest with Paula to see who had the most cleavage. I think it was a draw.
One more break and it was finally time to put the guys and America out of the collective misery we were all feeling.
With the boys at center stage, Ryan announced that "The first person competing in next week's finale is.... " and then he reached over and slapped KRIS in the stomach ... "KRIS!"
You could have driven a tractor trailer through Kris's mouth. He was SHOCKED. His wife was overjoyed. And his father was in tears.
Ryan then asked the question, "Who competes against Kris?"
The answer? Adam. And I believe the relief in his body and on his face was real. I truly think Adam was actually worried how this might go down - regardless of Katy Perry's embroidery.
They all embraced and then Ryan rolled Danny's journey tape. Halfway through, I needed a Kleenex. It started with a wedding photo of he and Sophia, and her presence and inspiration was shown throughout.
Danny has had his naysayers. Those who think HE exploited his backstory. I don't think it has ever been him trading on his personal tragedy. The producers? Um, yeah. Nothing is sacred to them.
For Danny, it has all been real. Real emotion. Real struggle. Real REAL. A reality none of us can imagine.
I once told a friend who had suffered a miscarriage that while she would never forget, in time she would forgive what had happened to her. I knew this from experience.
Danny knows this from experience. He is an example of not forgetting, but of forgiving what life has handed him and refusing to let it adversely dictate the course of his life.
His eyes have always been forward - yes, also upward - but definitely forward. He knows he cannot change what has happened, but he sure as hell can control his walk into the future.
And for that, not this whole superficial Idol thing, I think Sophia would be very proud.
Congratulations, Danny. Sometimes nice guys finish third.
Give us any chance, we'll take it. Give us any rule, we'll break it. We're gonna make our dreams come true. Doin' it our way.
Nothin's gonna turn us back now, Straight ahead and on the track now. We're gonna make our dreams come true, Doin' it our way.
There is nothing we won't try, Never heard the word impossible. This time there's no stopping us. We're gonna do it.
On your mark, get set, and go now, Got a dream and we just know now, We're gonna make our dream come true. And we'll do it our way, yes our way. Make all our dreams come true, And do it our way, yes our way, Make all our dreams come true For me and you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P.S.
Yes, I, too, loved Kris's reaction to Simon's "big ding dong" comment. Little Kris has a little bit of a dirty mind...
With the lights shining down on their bodies, Adam, Danny, and Kris looked more like Spock, McCoy, and Kirk, Captain James T, being beamed onto a barren planet, than contestants on a reality show.
They have become heroes in their hometowns (yes, Milwaukee was desperately in need of something to bring them Laverne and Shirley levels of fame once again). But tonight, who can garner the support of the nation? (Garnering is hard work.) We are ONE week away from the finale (thank you, Jesus). THESE are your Top 3 (Spock, McCoy, and Kirk, Captain James T). And T.I.A.I.
Roll graphics of ruffied up cyborgs...
The Countess de LesSTEPS (Real Housewives watchers will have to help those who don't get it) once again swept down the staircase of her MANse. (Ryan, seriously, you have slipped on the juices of douchebaggery - the staircase entrance has now slid into Sunset Boulevard territory.)
He patted the show on its back for this being the 300th episode of American Idol (my God, no wonder my writing hand hurts) and then greeted the judges:
Grandpa Jackson in his Mr. Rogers cardigan; Kara-The-Pittster Dio Guardi again showing the world her clean close shave; Paula jumped up out of her seat like a Crack-in-the-Box to reveal a bustier resplendent with black sequins and a Reynold's Wrap apron; Simon crawled from bed to top drawer, grabbed one of 1,000 white Hanes, and rolled in.
The Top 3 then walked out as the space doors parted - they looked like an ad for Dudes 'r Us - denim in abundance, hair products shimmering in their coifs, army boots, some sprinklings of leather...
Ryan then explained they would each be singing two songs - one chosen by the judges - that yo-yo-package-artist-seeking-bunnies-butterflies-rainbows-ghastly braintrust - the other a personal pick.
As they each spent last week flying off to their respective hometowns, there is footage galore - but we will only get a snippet in this ep as they need most of it to stuff another Build-A-Bore results show on Wednesday.
Up first, Danny receiving a text message from Paula during an appearance at a radio station. Make them play my new song!
OK, ok, it didn't say that.
The text indicated her choice of song for Danny - Dance Little Sister - Terence Trent D'Arby's version, not the Rolling Stones (I do believe any attempt by Danny to ape Mick would result in him popping some much needed vein in the middle of his head).
The DJ asked "How do you feel about it?" Props to Danny for being honest, "Um, I don't know it. That's how I feel."
But with four days to learn it, he stepped out on stage in JEANS, a dark shirt, and a jacket from the Ahmadinejad Collection. For an upbeat number, he spent most of it hiding behind Matilda, finally ripping off her head over halfway through to engage in a scat contest with a saxaphone (the sax won).
He had Danny-level energy (meaning glass of sugary Kool-Aid, not case of Red Bull), flopped about enthusiastically, and he sounded decent enough - the song worked well with his Michael McDonald-I-swallow-a-handful-of-gravel-before-each-performance vocal.
Randy started with "Let the games begin!" quickly moving into "way to jump it off tonight, Danny!" He finished with it being "dope for me." (Yes, like Prozac, it could certainly put the "Eh" in your day); Kara, wearing what looked like a necklace from the Jurassic Park Collection, commented that the "dancing was a little too gyrating for me" (She obviously never went to Studio 57 before); Paula defended him to Kara, saying it was "really good dancing" (she is obviously using her own performance on Idol as a barometer); Simon called the dancing "a bit desperate" (DWTS is one stage over, guys), but that Danny was "vocally very, very good."
And then, because this show is really all about the sophomoric quartet behind the desk, Paula punched Simon in the moob (man boob) while Ryan attempted to talk to Danny.
The break brought us back to Kris's trip to Arkansas where he (love the chipped up blue nail polish, Krisney Spears) was gifted with a brand new cellphone courtesy of AT&T. What's this?!?!? Holy Can-You-Hear-Me-Now? there's already a text message on it! It's from Kara and Randy!
They chose Apologize by One Republic for Kris's first song because as Randy said, "It's a big song, big range, and he's got a big voice."
Eschewing his guitar, Kris opted to play the piano - nice touch - but as soon as he hit the first chorus I knew he was going to be bent over that keyboard and get effed in the A for not changing the song. He sounded perfectly fine - stellar compared to David Archuleta's Sweeny Todding of the song last season - but that falsetto? Yowch. Sheep sound like that when they are being slaughtered.
You remember, don't you, Clarice?
Randy babbled about "this being the kind of artist you can be" and said, "nice, baby, very nice"; Kara called it a "really competent performance" but then she slammed him down on the piano and went to work, reaming him out for not making it his own, not taking chances; Paula let him stand back up, even helped him pull his pants back to his waist, and consoled him with, "That bum note (I don't think she meant the sound he made when Kara ripped into him) was loud, but I'm proud of you"; Simon looked at her and shook his head, "How can you say 'There was a bum note, but I'm proud of you'?" He then called Kara's critique a copout because she chose the song and if she wanted it sung a certain way, the onus (not to be confused with anus) was on her to tell him.
As Ryan began to talk to Kris, Kara acted worse than Paula, stood behind Simon, and clasped both hands over his mouth.
You know, even obnoxious five year olds were watching this with their parents and going, "Day-um, that's just not right. Timeout for you!"
Another break and then we got to see Adam, strategically positioned in a San Diego parking lot directly in front of an AT&T store, receiving his text message from Simon who chose U2's One for him to sing. And then Simon made a special point to let everyone know he spoke directly to King Bono to get permission for Adam to eat the song.
And dine he did.
Standing at Matilda, bathed in what have become Adam Lambert Blues (soon to be available in all Home Depot lighting departments), he wore JEANS and an untucked denim shirt. Nothing fancy, but then his voice is accessory enough.
I may still prefer the U2 version, but Adam did not dishonor it in any way. From soft to hard, slow to fast - he made beautiful love to it - the only thing that momentarily gave me pause was when he walked forward and sang on his own face while his tongue was hanging out of his maw - he did a solid job. (Note: I spent some time on YouTube yesterday listening and watching many of his stage performances - that kid can SANG his ass off. LISTEN TO HIM IN BRIGADOON He does not need to win this thing. In fact, I am now hoping he does not. I don't want to have to endure him having to endure singing some A Moment Like This In My Life Are You Proud Of Me? coronation tune.)
Randy called it an "unbelievable vocal" and while he did not exactly like the arrangment, Adam is a "really, really talented guy" (and that is really, really the biggest understatement of Season 8); Kara called him "an amazing strategist"; Paula couldn't just critique but had to dis Simon, "You don't know how miserable my life is right now sitting next to him gloating..." (Paula, dear, he's had to sit next to you for eight seasons, gloating, floating, falling, and blurble-ing every mental fart that escapes your cerebellum.) She finally got around to telling him it was "one brilliant song, one superb performance, and one American Idol that I'm staring at right now."
For his part, Simon cheekily began with, "Brilliant song choice" but then got serious, calling it a "brilliant, brilliant, brilliant performance" and "If you're not in the finals next week, it will be one of the biggest upsets of this competition."
Well, true enough. But given the level of pimping? Methinks they are afraid of that actually happening. Adam certainly doesn't need anyone selling his vocal ability for him, so it seems the producers know just how unexciting a finale without Adam in one of the spots will be.
It would be a balladnale.
AFTER THE BREAK
they filled some time with a trip to Angola, Africa to show Carrie Underwood handing out mosquito nets purchased with the over $140 million Idol Gives Back has collected over the past two years.
I just enjoyed the children. A child's smile is a child's smile is a child's smile - regardless of where it is located. It is precious, it is a gift, it needs protected. End of story.
Another break and Ryan met with Danny on the Chat Chairs to discuss the "tough decision" behind the next song - after sorting through scads of options, Danny ultimately chose Joe Cocker's You Are So Beautiful To Me.
OK, personally, I love this tune. It's on my iPod, and what makes it so perfect is Joe's imperfect, gravelly, impassioned, raw vocal. I slightly cringed when Danny said he chose it. Not because I did not think he could pull it off - of course he can, it's a ballad - but because he's done so many eyes-to-Heaven songs where the viewers get almost uncomfortable as his dead wife again is subconsciously inserted into the performance. I do not begrudge him his motivations, I just know that many viewers are tired of feeling manipulated.
Sitting on a stool, guitar player on one side, string quartet on the other, Danny looked handsome in his 9 o'clock shadow of scruff, white dress shirt rolled to the elbows, fitted vest, and tie. He started off very restrained, soft, eased in and out of his falsetto, then rolled into some big notes - the passion was believable - and then he brought it in for a soft landing.
I won't be replacing Joe's version with Danny's, but well done.
Randy said "you showed you can really, really, REALLY sing"; Kara called it "stunning"; Paula said he left us all "breathless"; and Simon was very generous, "I would call that a vocal master class."
BEEP BEEP BEEP - PIMPING ALERT - BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR PURPLE VELVET, FEATHERED HATS, AND PLATFORM SHOES WITH GOLDFISH IN THE HEELS!! BEEP BEEP BEEP
Kris was next to sing his choice - Heartless by Kanye Waste - er sorry, I mean WEST.
In a simple black shirt and JEANS, Kris stood at Matilda and began singing a stripped down - seriously, no hubcaps, the radio was gone, hell, even the upholstery was missing - version. All there was, was Kris and his acoustic guitar, and once again - it doesn't happen every season, mind you - magic was made.
Think Fantasia's Summertime (the FIRST time, not the third), Kat's Somewhere Over The Rainbow (the FIRST time, not the second), and Bo Bice's barefoot, acapella version of In A Dream. It was a moment in which all that mattered was the vocal and the ability of the contestant to hold the audience.
Kris's version was amazing - in that moment, I finally decided, I want HIM in the final. He has earned it - in some ways even more than Adam - because Adam has been pimped since the first round of auditions. Kris had to literally sing his way from obscurity to this position.
Randy said the first intelligent thing he's said in months, "This is gonna be one of the toughest voting nights." He then blasphemed, "I liked it even better than Kanye's version." Oh Randy, did you not see the Fish Sticks episode of South Park - don't make Kanye mad, dude...
Kara called it "bold, brave, fearless"; Paula said "Bravo"; Simon admitted that after Kris sang Apologize he "had written you out - that all changed after that performance."
One more break and it was Adam's turn to close the show - THANK. GOD. He needs the pimp spot. - He took the stage in JEANS, army boots, a shiny t-shirt, and his leather jacket to sing Aerosmith's Cryin'.
No big surprise - he was great - which is probably the worst thing that can be said about Adam - he's so damned consistent. Every note, every line - all sung pitch perfect. He's a performer - period. Without a doubt he deserves to be in the finals - hell, if it is truly a singing competition, just throw some confetti on him now and make him sing You Are So Proud Of My Life Moment.
Randy called Adam "one of the best we've ever had on this stage. You should be a rock star."; Kara said he was "amazing" and "We will see you at the finals"; Paula's mental plane crashed and she babbled something about, "I hope you're collecting frequent flier miles - you're going to be flying for free everywhere."; Simon, in a purple velvet suit with leopard trim, and a feather in his jazzy hat said, "It's easy to assume you're going to sail through" and then warned everyone they had better vote for him or Rooster Cowell was gonna put a hurt on 'em.
And now we wait. I think it is completely possible to see Adam shown the door (to major success) when the results are revealed. Then again, it could just as easily be Danny. The only one I think is truly safe, is KRIS - the guy no one knew for many, many, many weeks.
Tune in tonight to see which two get a shot at bathing in confetti, having their hair set ablaze by too many stage pyrotechnics, and getting to sing I Believe In My Proud Life Moment!
For whom will it be the best of times? And for which unlucky fellow will it be the worst?
It's been a busy week in Idol Land, what with Paula finally admitting an addiction to prescription painkillers (Understatement of 2009: They made her "get weird".), the stage goblet inverting itself and showering the people we love with neon, and stage manager Debbie being struck down by the Gods of Stairlandia - how dare SHE, a mere mortal, dare to trod upon Mount St. Seacrest?!? - she was rushed to the hospital when the stairs began to retract, leaving her dangling like one of Paula's 130 pound earrings.
And let us not overlook Constantly Smarmy-oulis being nominated for a Best Actor Tony for his role in Rock of Ages. As Theresa from Virginia said yesterday in the comments - surely the end is nigh and we should all be getting our affairs in order.
(Hmmmm, let's see...I think I'll start with Jon Bon Jovi, then George Clooney, then, wait, no, make #2 the guy who played Dante in the Sex & The City movie, and then...huh? What was that? OH. Not those kind of affairs? Well, crap...)
As this results show is crammed with more extras than a Billy Mays infomercial (Call now to order your 30 gallon drum of Oxy Clean and we'll throw in this deluxe set of bunion pads! But wait! Call in the next 42 seconds and not only will you get the bunion pads, but I'll throw in my grandmother who has bunions, and a Ped Egg with which to scrape her feet! But WAIT! The first ten callers to recite the preamble to the Constitution will each receive a replica of the last dump I took in 2008 AND FREE SHIPPING! What a deal!), let's get to it...
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The lights flashed, and Slash, that man of many follicles, but few words, filled the screen, "You have to deliver rock 'n roll with sincerity or it's not rock 'n roll."
You're right, Slashter. And last night showcased high priced, sincere Fed EX level deliveries from Adam and Allison, while Kris and Danny delivered like budget carriers, Joe's Mail & Stuff and Take It To Them Your Own Damned Self.
The video clips highlighted Danny's disembowelment and that spontaneous hug between A&A after their duet - still made me smile 24 hours later.
Ryperbole: WHO will graduate from the Idol School of Rock? (Jack Black should kick your toothpickian ass, Ryan.) And WHO will just get schooled? T.I.A.I.
The graphics rolled, and then Ryan, once again summoned from on high, flowed down Mt. St. Seacrest to pool at the base in a puddle of styling mousse, Versace, and spray tan. His news? Over 64 million votes had come in for the Top 4 who sat on the Silver Stools of Salvation.
The judges were ready for a packed night - Randy looking like the red hot lava bomb he is in a bright red-orange, or was that orange-red, shirt (someone call Crayola for a final ruling); Kara wore a strategically cut out black dress which highlighted her cleavage and her armpits; Paula was wearing her own hair and a tank that appeared to be made out of Othello game pieces. Her necklace was actually a curtain tieback from the Liberace display in Vegas. Simon balanced them all out in black - the color of death - the color of someone's Idol dream dying.
And so it began... the night of everything but what we came for. Results? We don't need no stinkin' results! We have No Doubt! We have Daughtry! We have a GROUP SONG, a Vommercial! We even have Paula Freakin Abdul set to perform!
With that, Ryan rolled the Ford Vommercial, an homage to Fusions no one can still get a loan to buy. In this one, the kids were paper dolls cavorting about as they chased the only 3-D thing available - the car.
I swear, you just know some AI intern gets a nerd boner every week when they are allowed to open up the Movie Maker program on their Mac and create these things...
The Vommercial rolled right into the GROUP SONG, performed LIVE - School's Out - with Slash's hair and top hat on lead guitar.
Adam and Allison looked like rock stars - black leather, cool boots, Adam's pants a bleachy tie dye dream - he looked like a lead singer. Danny and Kris, in their t-shirts and plaid, looked like they were ready to lead the prayer group at the local retreat. WWJD? Well, I guess not wear leather and chains.
The song was fine - aside from Allison's microphone sounding like the cheap kind that comes with the American Idol Wii game. Towards the middle, she and Adam tore into the song together, and then like obnoxious little kids when you're trying to take a prom picture of your teen, Danny and Kris poked their plaid heads in and ruined the shot.
As for Slash? Look, I can barely get two chords in a row right on Guitar Hero, so watching his fingers fly over that guitar was humbling. When it was over, Ryan asked about last night's performances to which Slash's hair replied, they "worked out great."
The first break brought us back to small talk with the kids, the highlight of which was Danny admitting that after watching the playback of "the scream", "It's my funniest moment on American Idol. I laughed all night."
So did we, Danny. So did we. (Although my dog whimpered a lot throughout the night...)
Ready for some results? Ahhh, hell to the NO, people. This is American Idol. And American Idol on Wednesday nights is a nonstop Whore-Out-A-Thon! Rooster Seacrest is our pimp and tonight's first offering? Paula I-Used-To-Be-Relevant-And-Desperately-Want-To-Be-Again Abdul!
Rooster rolled tape of his homegirl, reminding us she used to be a Laker girl and danced with cartoon cats. Oh and he subjected us to snippets from her Randy Jackson produced song from last season, Dance Like There's No Tomorrow.
This time she was on stage with a new song, I'm Just Here For The Music. She certainly wasn't there for the singing, as she did not do any. Pre-recorded - no judges or contestants in sight - it began with her gyrating atop Mt. Seacrest with red fabric flames flowing through the air.
And there she was. Singing through a vibrator, wearing something from Skanks On Ice - a tiny, bustiered, frilly negligee of a dress - surrounded by the Ryan Seacrest Dancers - all in suits and ties.
I will give Paula this much - she is 46 years old and looks fabulous, hell, she can still do the splits. My thigh muscles contracted so hard just watching that move, I think I need some Icy Hot and a Geritol.
Poor Matilda - kicked, thrown around, demeaned. But not as much as Paula demeaned herself by then crawling on the ground like some 20 year old Pussycat Doll. Then she did a stage dive into the sea of Seacrests.
Like I typed last night - Oy.
I was embarrassed for her. It was just all a little sad. A little Britney-one-year-ago.
The song ended with the Paularazzi hollering at her, "Will you be back next season?" Her reply? "I'm just here for the music!"
Ba dum, DUMB.
The lights went down and the screensaver graphic was left illuminating the words: Live. Love. Sing. Dance. XOXO, Paula.
AFTER THE MUCH NEEDED BREAK
(it takes a while to adequately wash one's brain with Clorox to remove mental images gone wild), Paula joined Ryan on stage. Hmmm, that tank was actually a full length gown, and forget Othello game pieces, she was actually wearing an entire snake.
Oy².
Ryan asked why she waited this long to perform on Idol and she gave her best beauty queen response, "It's the most undeniable happy place to be - on stage."
Awwww.
This led into another pre-recorded pimping - this time for No Doubt, which seems to have forgiven Gwen Stefani for leaving them in her solo dust, and decided to embark on a tour which - Gee, what perfect timing! - kicks off in Vegas next week.
Gwen was in full No Doubt regalia - tight black pants, a lime green bra, white tank top, a sparkly towel hanging from her ass, big black boots, her hair Cinnabonned all over her head.
They performed Just A Girl, a hit from back in 1995 - made even more popular by being included in both Clueless and Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion (guilty pleasure). Gwen postured and vamped, but it was a little bit like watching Paula. The attitude was cute, acceptable back when she was YOUNGER - these days though, it just seemed forced. Especially the drop to do a few push-ups midsong.
I honestly thought the highlight of the whole thing was AFTER the song ended and drummer Adrian Young, apparently auditioning for the touring company of Swan Fake - b/w leggings, white tank, a tutu, and matching mohawk? - bopped across the stage.
Oh well, blasts from the past can be fun and I'm sure their tour will be just that.
More commercials - my God, I should have brought a change of clothes, packed a lunch, strapped on a Depends...- and then we were treated to a video packaged highlighting what's ahead for the three who manage to come through the night intact. THE TRIPS BACK HOME!!!! (insert thunderous drumbeats)
Blake, Jordin, Carrie, David 1 and David 2, Bo, Taylor, and Elliott (loved seeing his Mom again - she was a doll, and obviously so overwhelmed at the outpouring of support for her son during his trip back home) all enjoying crowds, applause, the keys to the cities, limos, jets, grandmas with I LOVE BLAKE on their boobies.
Good times. Good times.
Ryan then pointed towards three empty stools (probably had ice for lunch...I'll wait for you to get that...).
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Ready? OK, good.
The four came out to center stage, he recapped their performances and the judges' comments, and then, IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER (words he would stress seventeen more times before the end of the show) he sent Kris to safety - and NO ONE was more surprised than Kris.
Yes, Season 8's official underdawg managed to make it into the Top 3. From never being seen during the auditions to having a silver stool all his own. Quite an undertaking and a testament to his likeability and talent. (Just don't make him rock out again, please.)
But who would be going home?
Eh. Who cares? We have DAUGHTRY in da howse!
Season 5's shocker, Chris Daughtry, eliminated in the number 4 position, an offing that worked to his advantage - quadruple platinum album, three Top 10 hits, fastest selling rock debut in SoundScan history - was back to introduce the first single off Daughtry's upcoming July release, Leave This Town, called No Surprise.
I love Daughtry. I love Chris. Their songs get heavy play on my iPod - so I just sat back and enjoyed it all - even those carefully scrolled sideburns of his - they looked drawn on with a Sharpie.
Chris Daughtry is the real deal. That's why it did not matter that America effed up - we got it right in the end - and the plaque Kris presented to him after the song proves it - that debut album? Screw 4 million albums - it has now sold over FIVE million.
ONE MORE BREAK
and we were back with Danny, Allison, and Adam. Stressing again - "in random order", Ryan sent Adam to safety. No big surprise there. If he had been sent packing, there would definitely be something rotten not only in Denmark, but every nation in the free YouTubeable world.
And finally, "after the record setting vote of 64 million, Danny .... you ..... are SAFE.
OK, Danny bashers need to acknowledge this moment. Can he sing as forcefully as Allison? No. Is he a style guru like Adam? Um, refer to plaid shirt. But in his moment of triumph, he did not even crack a smile - he immediately turned and held Allison.
Danny Gokey may not be your eardrums' favorite wax melter, but he IS a nice guy.
That left Allison to watch her journey tape, tears on her cheeks, and a standing O from the entire audience - even Simon. She then reprised Cry Baby - which I'm sure is what she wanted to do, but she held it together.
She'll be fine. Because at the end of her journey video, it was Slash's mound of hair which summed it all up, Allison "kicks ass over most 30 year olds I know."
Yes, she does. And she's a doll. I'd buy some shades now, Allison, the future looks so very bright for you, you'll need them.
I'm not a huge rock fan. But then, I'm not really loyal to any one particular genre. I tend to like SONGS. I stroll through the musical garden and pick a slow jam here, a rock anthem there. I grab a rap, toss in a parody, a few R&B tunes, maybe a country twanger, and round out my basket with some show tunes.
I like music. All kinds.
So having Slash as the mentor? Well, I am obviously familiar with his Guns n Roses roots, although given his penchant for hiding beneath his sheepdog mane, I have often wondered if GNR stood for Got No Retinas. But he's an axe man, and while I'm sure he could counsel Kris on proper guitar technique, I think I would have rather seen Steven Tyler or hell, even drag Brett Michaels off his Love Bus for a day with the kids.
But Slash is our man, so let's roll (and rock) with him...
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The show opened with a flashback to last week's "most shocking news" that in the Holy Grail-like search for the Idol crown, Adam had chosen poorly. He had landed in the bottom three.
Shock. Awe. Even Donald Rumsfeld's mouth fell open.
But it was ultimately Hatt who was sent packing leaving Adam, Allison, Kris and Danny to duke it out over who will wear their body weight in confetti at the Kodak. But tonight...
The Top 4 will take on a new genre, a new mentor, and get another shot at becoming (dun dun DUN!) a STAR. T.I. Rock Week. And T.I.A.I.
The graphics rolled and Ryan, now just digging his heels in and being belligerent, once again floated down from on high. Ryan, the descent down the stairs has now entered the realm of SNL parody - be prepared. I can see it now - Andy Samborg and The Lonely Island guys doing a song called I'm On The Stairs (motherf*cker, don't you ever forget!) For those of you who don't get the reference - hit YouTube and type in On A Boat.
As he arrived on the stage, Ryan said they were coming to us "very LIVE." As opposed to almost, sorta LIVE? Is that kind of like The Princess Bride - mostly dead? Or that other saying, "Glass half FOOL"?
Never mind.
Ryan then explained that OSHA was going to be investigating the safety of their set. OK, ok, he didn't say OSHA, but he did point out that one of the Statue of Liberty torches that flank the set had decided to invert itself before dress rehearsal, sending glass and panic throughout the soundstage. So no dress rehearsal for the kids, but "the show must go on."
You folks at stage right (your left) may want to keep an eye on that torch though...
A quick hello to Randy, who was working his new BeDazzler hard - that T-shirt was a disco ball of shiny sequins - his manboobs were positively ablaze under the lights; Kara borrowed it to jazz up her black jacket with gaudy rhinestonery; Paula actually looked very lovely - a simple taupe and black dress (yes, the pattern gave one a touch of vertigo so you felt like you were spiraling into her cleavage all night) with a bright red cow udder over each thigh; Simon balanced all the sparkle with a gray T.
The top 4 then emerged from backstage and oh, the cows who gave their lives to make this show possible. Leather was everywhere - jackets, pants, gloves... I bet the band was even sitting on chairs made of "rich, Corinthian leather" as opposed to cheap, Deuteronomyan leather...
A brief retrospective of Slash was shown (my fave is still the tiny church in the background, him playing away as the camera swoops past in November Rain - one of the best 9 minute songs ever) - he is currently working on a solo album.
The kids met up with him, his glorious mop of hair, and his band at The Roxy on Sunset Strip to rehearse with a "full band, full volume."
Adam was first, and you know that had to be as much a kick for Slash as it was for Adam. Adam can rock. As I've said before, his range echoes that of GNR frontman Axl Rose. Adam chose Whole Lotta Love leaving Slash to marvel, "Adam's got some pipes, man. Effortless."
On stage, Adam walked out in full rock regalia - bell bottoms, leather jacket, studs, chains, chains with studs, studs with chains, his hair spiked, his eyeliner thick.
He was in his element - no one in this contest can match his sound. My only issue? It was almost anticlimactic because we expect this from him. There really was no shock factor because we already know he can sing that high, hold a note than long, curl a lip that ... well, curly.
No matter - he burned up the stage, leaving only cinders behind for the other three contestants.
Randy said "nobody's even going to think about Broadway or any of that stuff - you're a rock star tonight - you and Slash should make a record." Kara corrected Randy with, "You're more than a rock star, you're a rock GOD!" Paula called him a "Whole Lotta Perfect"; and Simon gave one criticism, "I thought the performance was a little understated." He then took his tongue out of his cheek and used it to lash out at Kris, Allison, and Danny, "The only problem is, nobody can top that now."
We returned from the break to find a newly coiffed Allison on the chat chairs with Ryan - turns out Adam took her to his hair stylist and she worked some weave magic on our teen - I liked it. Long extensions - still in that trademark crimson - gone was the hair on helium Allison has been sporting. She looked younger, edgier.
As for her rehearsal, Slash said she had "a natural rock n roll mannerism and swagger" and as we all have learned, swagger is this season's American Express. Swagger, don't leave home without it.
In tight, shiny black pants, boots, and a short sleeve black top, Allison completely tore into Cry Baby by Janis Joplin. While her previous efforts on the stage have all left me a bit cold, a bit "stop shouting at me Shouty McYell-Holler!", this time everything fit. Her vocals were a perfect match for the memory of Janis. Only criticism? That one moment in the song when she squeezed her legs together and crouched - she looked like she had to pee really bad.
RandYO told her "you can sing your face off," but he also said he did "not love the song choice for you" and that it wasn't "that great for me."
OK - so she sounded great, but not for you?
Kara told her she "transforms when you go on that stage" and that "I see your personality."
Paula called her "downright fearless"; Simon said that "the difference between where you were to where you are is literally staggering." He complimented her "complete confidence, terrific vocal."
AFTER THE BREAK we were treated to our first duet of the evening - Danny and Kris taking on Styx's Renegade.
Oy.
Look, it's no secret that out of the four, these two don't exactly embrace leather, chains, and eyeliner. When it comes to rock? These two are more shale or limestone, not granite.
Nevertheless, they worked it out together. Kris in JEANS, a leather jacket and a black T with a red X on the tummy - well, it's not like he doesn't know who the target is at this point, right? Danny wore a bright red untucked shirt and fishing boots. Oh, and he manned it up with a length of gold chain (the kind you use as a leash for a Rottweiler) around his neck.
Kris started the song and it was the aural equivalent of oil and water, Jello and baked beans, Linda Sharp and Sarah Palin - it just didn't go together. Danny kicked in and was marginally better, saved by the fact he has a natural growl at his disposal. Kris just has a ruffled purr.
Towards the end, Kris truly seemed to struggle to get out the notes - like he needed an oxygen mask to drop from the ceiling, and he looked like he wanted to use his seat cushion as a flotation device and hit the next wave out of there.
Overall, the song was not bad - they harmonize really well together - but I won't be beating down iTunes to get it downloaded.
Randy said he liked "the harmonies" and said together they were "on blast"; Kara cited "pitchy moments" and agreed the "sum of the parts was better" than their solos; Paula reviewed it like a Patricia Cornwell novel, "powerful, compelling"; Simon was blunt, asking the question, "Who was better?" and answering, "Danny you were better than Kris."
Kris still looked shellshocked by the experience as the judges spoke, and then, just as they went to commercial, he actually looked pissed off. Dude, chill. You are in the Top 4. Life does not exactly suck for you.
Kris used the break to find his smile and change his clothes, joining Ryan on the Chat Chairs to waste time talking about first deciding to sing Revolution, but then changing to Come Together.
I cringed. I admit it.
Look, I like Kris. A lot. He has a great voice. He makes my rods and cones happy. But rocking out is not his forte'. It's not even his threete'. In the sea of true rock, Kris needs water wings.
His video, however, was cute. As was his admission that getting to play guitar with Slash (hell, he got to play Slash's guitar) almost made him "pee my pants." Another surreal moment courtesy of Idol.
On stage, he wore JEANS, a navy Henley, and a khaki jacket - he also opted for a guitar.
Come Together was not horrid, but he is far too sweet and nice for lyrics like "toe jam football" to just roll off his tongue.
Randyo said he "liked the vocals, loved the guitar - all in all, I enjoyed it"; Kara The Destroyer, however, did not, saying it was "not a great performance" and that he was "trying too hard"; Paula lauded his "artistic delivery," but would have liked "a little more energy': Simon compared it to "eating ice for lunch - it will leave you with nothing to remember afterwards." Like spinach in your front teeth or garlic breath?
Another break and it was Danny's turn to take a rock and roll song and bend it over at the waist - no dinner, no sweet nothings, no KY His n Her.
Slash talked about Danny being "naturally gifted" but said of that final note, "It could go either way."
Well, like a raw frog sandwich - it went down HARD.
On stage, in dress pants, a button down, a vest, and those damned fishing boots again, Danny started out as flat as the crepe special at Le Madeline. He attempted to get "rocky" by picking up Matilda and stalking the stage, but even she looked unimpressed.
And then, oh the humanitee. (Let's be honest - Danny is more sea cow than dangerous great white shark.)
That scream.
That final scream.
It sounded more like his intestines were being removed with a spork, or that he just discovered someone had stolen his collection of eyeglasses. It was not a sexy rock scream a la Steven Tyler.
Randyo began anew the angling for Danny's spot in the finals. "Not your game" and "not perfect" still netted him "an A+ for a valiant effort."
Kara said he "took it a little too far" but "I commend you for taking chances."
Paula - oh good lord! Clean up on Aisle 3! Her boobs were literally spilling everywhere. Someone get the Sham WOW! - she said it "wasn't my favorite song for you" but he still got an "A++ for going for it."
Simon said "that last note was like watching a horror movie" and called it all "over the top" but no matter, "I still think you're going to be safe."
OK - you suck, you suck, you really, really suck, but here's an A+. No, no, wait! Here's an A++, you valiant, commendable, SAFE teacher's pet, you.
Someone hand me a Tic Tac - that left a bad taste in my mouth.
Finally, the second duet of the night - a match-up of Adam and Allison singing Slow Ride. What it was, was a FUN RIDE. Allison in black leggings, army boots, and a black tunic, fingerless gloves on her hands, and Adam in striped JEANS, his own army boots, leather jacket, and matching fingerless gloves - every chain from the Mr T collection around his neck.
And they rocked out. Not only did they sound amazing together, they were so obviously having fun doing it, I found myself smiling all the way through. And when they finished? That hug was one of the most genuine gestures I have ever seen on that stage.
Randy called them "our two seasoned rock stars" and said "that was the bomb, baybay."
Kara christened them "Rock God and Rock Goddess" and said "this is when a duet is right!"
Paula agreed that they "should do a duet together." (Methinks the summer tour will definitely highlight them a deux.)
Simon said that "In the battle of the duets, YOU WIN." Then to Adam he said, You may have given this one (meaning Allison) a chance at staying in the competition."
And that wrapped up Rock Night. Or Rocky Night as the case certainly was for Danny and Kris.
Hard to call at this point - they all have definite voter blocks, and not a single one of them is unworthy of being where they are. No one has Sanjayed or Covaised their way to this spot.
My guess is that Kris's expiration date is up. He's not curdled in the least - not even sour around the edges. He's just the plain yogurt in the fridge - not memorable enough alone or in the duet.
So, what's your best guess? Who is moving on to the final three? And who has the stomach to watch Paula perform LIVE tonight?
Forget the Tic Tacs. Someone hit me with some Rolaids...
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Enjoy nine minutes - it really is too bad that Axl, well, slid off his mental axles...
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