Brusha, Brusha, Brush-ugh

Just something funny to start the day...

Like everyone else, my inboxes are stuffed full daily with ads and offers, proclamations and exaltations about products of all ilk.

Sure, my email addresses exist on myriad lists - your does, too.  But I compound the inbox assault exponentially because I refuse to pay full price for anything online.  I am notorious for putting something in a cart, going through the purchase process right up to the email address point and then stopping.

Then I wait...

Within 10 minutes to two hours, I open my inbox and there is said company begging me to come back, complete with a discount code for my purchase. (Same with ebay.  Hit Watch on an item and then wait.  By morning you will have an offer in your inbox for the item at a discounted price.)

But I also clog up my text messages because I will sign up for promo codes at the time of purchase by supplying my phone number.  It's fine.  I get the discount.  I make purchase.  And I can delete with ease, no opening the emails or text messages needed.

But sometimes an email just begs to be seen in its entirety.  I may be inured to offers to make my colon cleaner, my dick throbbier and able to go all night, my snatch snatchier, but I am still only human and curiosity gets the better of me when I am awake at 2am and cleaning my inbox.

(Sidebar:  Guys, give that notion a rest.  Seriously, bury it with all the other bullshit you bandy between yourselves, garbage you gleaned from watching porn, and the incellitis you have contracted from listening to human trash like Andrew Tate.  We women don't want it to be 12 inches and no gas station point of sale supplement is going to get you ruler length.  Seriously, where do you think it is going to go?  Our esophagus?  Study some anatomy.  And go all night?  Honey, there's a point where your performance is all chaff and no wheat.  Actually, all chafe and no wheeeeeee.  Learn how to love and use what you've got.  Talk to your partner.  Pretty simple.)

Anyway, back to my inbox... email inbox.  Here, grab my hand and allow me to pull your mind from the gutter where I led you.

Ready?  OK.

There I was at 2am.  Done reading 14 horoscopes and Tarot predictions for my day, week, month, year.  Nothing new out there about BTS.  Twitter, sorry, X, had done nothing but raise my blood pressure.  So I opened my Gmail.  The heading alone was enough to elicit a gag response.  Yet I clicked.  

What in the raisins in potato salad world?  Who?  WHO brought this to the idea table and WHO sanctioned this product?

I get it.  It's been roughly since the dawn of teeth that humans have put any number of things in their mouths to clean, whiten, and help the breath created from eating mastodon.  Myrrh, charcoal, tree bark, ginseng, herbal mints, salt ... anything in the pursuit of oral hygiene.

Somewhere along the line, we all pretty much settled into the one thing that actually provided that fresh breath, cool-when-you-take-a-breath-through-your-mouth sensation - MINT.  Spearmint, peppermint, wintergreen.  Kiss someone and that is what we are used to running into.  I do clearly remember when the big companies began introducing vanilla. For me, it was an instant no.  Brushing my teeth with a cupcake just did not hit right.

But salted caramel?  I cannot even wrap my mental tongue around what this has to be like.  I pour salted caramel on my ice cream.  I order it via desserts on dinner menus.  Rudy and I are currently plowing our way through a box of Salted Caramel ice cream bars at night.  Salted caramel is what I have to brush my teeth because of, not with.

I cannot.  You'll sooner find me hitting 'Add To Cart' for that ubiquitous sex toy that turns you into a conjoined twin with your partner while promising to improve your bladder control, blood pressure, and joint pain.

Just know it will sit in my cart until you follow up with a coupon code...  And not for free salted caramel lube.

(Note:  for a very long time I have set the comments to moderate meaning I see them before they can be published.  I am opening them up to publish immediately because I miss the days when our comments section was a source of dialogue and hilarity - we'll see how it goes.  Chime in with your favorite email spam.)

Comments

[Nikki in nyc]

I haven't gotten a good dildo ad in months. I turned 60 and now all I get are ads for senior discounts on things I am not old enough for. And never will be old enough for!

[Cindy]

Well now you have me sorting through 100,000+ junk emails to find the perfect one to post, and yet my mind is still contemplating how one does not just go straight for the salted caramel ice cream after brushing their teeth because hey...they just can't get enough of that flavor!

[Chicky]

P.S. Particularly missed that Snark!

[Chicky]

Um, can you forward me a link to this? It’s for a friend. (Particularly interested in that joint pain cure)

“You'll sooner find me hitting 'Add To Cart' for that ubiquitous sex toy that turns you into a conjoined twin with your partner while promising to improve your bladder control, blood pressure, and joint pain.“