Culley -
I just started driving away and timed this to post in my new absence. There is so much I want to say, but every time I have tried in the past three weeks, the lump that hits my throat is as big as Blanca's tennis ball. So I have waited and in the run up to my leaving, written it all here so I could let the tears fall from behind the guest room door.
Watching you become a mother is one of the biggest honors and most profound gifts of my life. Being at your side in the delivery room, marveling at your calm, your ability to center yourself, and then giving everything you had to bring Marlowe into this world was humbling. In those final pushes I saw my daughter turn into a mother. And over these past three weeks, I can say, it is a title for which you were born.
In that delivery room, I also watched as you and Sean took the breath you will never fully exhale - the one that holds you hostage to the love you did not know existed and now cannot imagine your world without. I have been holding mine for over 30 years.
Becoming a parent is joyous, miraculous. It is also the scariest thing you will ever do. In that instant you realize there is nothing you would not do for that tiny creature. You will live for her. You would die for her. And yes, you realize that you are actually capable of murder, if that is what it takes to protect her from harm. I have long said that all I would need is a spoon and I could kill anyone who tried to hurt you or your siblings. That is the ferocity of parental love.
Watching you with Marlowe, I see how lucky that baby is to have you as her mother. I also see how lucky you are to have her as your daughter. You will both grow and learn from each other. There will be milestones, and laughter, and joy. There will also be the inevitable heartbreak that comes with being a parent.
Times when she hates you for decisions you make. Times when you watch her little heart get kicked around, see her disappointed by friends, other adults, life. Those are the hardest. The world is wide and there just is no way to protect her from all of it. And sometimes, she will have to endure an upset in order to grow. You know that, you have lived that. I have lived that with you. My mom has always talked about the "brick wall" in life - and there will be times that you will see Marlowe heading for it and you will know that she needs to run into it, that you cannot always step in between because that is the only way she will learn the lesson contained in the impact.
There will be times she lies right to your face. Times when you know it as it happens. Those are the times she will be testing the boundaries around her, testing the world, testing herself, testing you. You did it. Kendall did it. Toby did it. Breathe. Assess. And at times, let her think she got away with it. If the subterfuge is not truly dangerous, let her have a "win" every now and then. And should an instance blow up in her face and she calls for help? Go. Let her know you are so glad she called you. There will be time enough for recriminations. In the moment, what she will need most is the reinforcement that calling YOU was the right decision. She will never set out to disappoint you, but sometimes it will happen and that will hurt her more than any punishment.
The worst parenting moments have been when I could not make a hurt not happen, a heart not break, an aspiration go unfulfilled. I'm sorry that those lay in the distance of Marlowe's future, of your future. In those times, the best you can do is just be there. Lay the groundwork now and every day to come, and you will be her safe place when the ground beneath her erodes.
I have tried so very hard to be that for you, for your siblings. For you to know at your deepest level, I am the one who will never be more than a phone call or text away, the one who will move heaven and earth to get to you, help you, support you. The one who loves you in a way no one else can. You literally know me from the inside out as I do you. It is the way you love Marlowe.
I know I have not always gotten it right. I know that I have stumbled along the way. And try as you might, you will step it in at some point with Marlowe. When it happens, please forgive yourself. Whatever it is, whatever the circumstance, learn from it, do not forget it, but forgive yourself. You are only human, Sean is only human. And that means you're just not going to get it right every time.
When those times happen, when Marlowe slams the metaphorical and literal doors in your face, when she is so mad at you, when you both know you are wrong, be gentle with yourself. She is not supposed to understand every decision you make, especially as the teen years take hold. But in those times, when standing firm as a parent are muddied by simply being an ass, know that you can do better, and then do better. Never be afraid to apologize to her, to let her see your frailties, to remind her that you, too, are figuring things out, that you don't know everything.
It is my fervent hope that by this point, you, Kendall and Toby all can look back on all the years I parented you alone, and see them with a softer focus. We had great fun together, but there were also struggles, inequities, and times I was, as I wrote above, simply being an ass. The job was hard, is still hard, but one I have always held as my life's greatest honor. I hope that you can take what I did well, and implement it into your parenting style. But also, please take what I did wrong, and work to better your style.
Know that by the time Marlowe is your age now, she will understand the world so much better, and more importantly, understand you. And should she bring a grandchild into your life, you will understand me even more. Helping care for Marlowe is like caring for you. It is driven by the simplest, purest of love; by the desire to keep her safe, happy, secure; by the breath I will never exhale.
I have spent long moments holding her in the rocking chair thinking about my Dad, your Unclepap. For every thing he got wrong in parenting me, I watched as he got so much right in grandparenting you and your brother and sister. It was in that that I began to see the human being in him, to look back and finally realize that he and my mom were making it up as they went along. And in that understanding, he and I quietly forgave our past together and moved through life as so much more than parent and child, but as friends. You are so much more than just my daughter, you are my friend - someone who gets me on a level no one else can. I wish that for you and Marlowe Belle.
Finally, remember you are more than just a mother. Never feel selfish for needing time away, BE selfish and make sure you get time for yourself. It will make you better for her in the long run. Just as watching how Sean treats you will inform how she expects to be treated in this world, watching how you treat yourself will teach her that you are more than just functional - that you may be her mother, but you are so, so much more. You are an incredible woman - funny, talented, smart, real - a whole human being.
I drive away with tears in my eyes. That's not just because of your beautiful baby, but because I am driving away from you. Leaving any of you in the rearview has always brought tears. Just as literal cells from the three of you still exist in my body and brain, you live in my heart, you are how my heart beats. And when I leave you, I feel the tearing within it as each mile separates us further.
You are an extraordinary person, Culley. The world has tested you, life has thrown you curve balls, bad actors, disappointments - all of which have made you stronger, wiser, and ready for the greatest role of your life.
From one mother to another, I am so happy for you, so excited for you, so proud of you. Your heart has waited for this moment for so long; waited for that Marlowe shaped space to be filled. I love you and cannot wait to be back for Christmas.
Holding my breath as you now hold yours,
Mom
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