Don't Get Me Started with Linda Sharp

As The Brits Would Say, I'm Taking A Piss At COVIDiots

Bleach, hydroxychloroquine, light bulbs up the ass, ivermectin, nebulizing iodine and peroxide, overdosing on zinc, salt water sprays, colloidal silver, inhalation of steam, extreme temperature baths, exposure to the color white, mixing cocaine, amphetamines and nicotine, cannabis, CBD oil, chloroform, Viagra, drinking ethanol alcohol, Virus Shut Out Protection Pendants, a Greek hand cream, paint stripper, chlorine dioxide, camel piss, a cotton ball soaked in violet oil applied to the anus, lemon water, garlic, tumeric, mango, durian, drinking water every 15 minutes, taking six deep breaths and then coughing - all of these have been touted as, preached about, espoused on, and trumpeted throughout social media as cures and/or prevention methods in the face of our coronavirus pandemic.

When reached for comment, COVID-19 laughed its violet oil soaked asshole off. 

Every one of those listed above is real - I did not make them up, and it's not even an exhaustive list of the quackery and dullardly desperation of those who would rather ingest paint stripper than get a simple shot in the arm.  These methods proliferate in Facebook groups in every language around the world, are traded on dark web boards, and concocted as get-rich-quick schemes by those who see how easy it is to empty a pocket while the subject fills up on lemon water and peroxide while wearing a dimestore pendant.

On one hand it is entirely easy to understand how these things proliferate.  We are a Kardashian-attention-span populace always on the look out for the magic bullet - look at weight loss products.  They all promise the same thing - little to no effort, big results.  Just drink this/take our pill and SHAZAM! - instant weight loss.  WHICH DOES NOT HAPPEN.  Yet all one need do is open the back of the latest US Weekly to find yet another celebrity endorsed product.  No where in the .5 font disclaimer does it tell you how the celebrity pictured has a personal chef, personal trainer, and personal plastic surgeon involved in their weight loss "journey".  (Or about the inevitable lawsuits the celebrities and makers face that result from the lies and danger - like the product and Kardashian at the right.)

But the money pours in.  So, of course, people will try anything to avoid COVID-19.  Well, anything except the vaccines that have been administered BILLIONS of times.  Which is where that other hand comes in and things fall apart - their excuses are so thin you can read the paper through them.  

We don't know what's in them.  Well, yes, yes we do.  And you have been told a million times already.

I'm doing more research.  Than the epidemiologists who conduct their research around the clock, year after year?  How much more "research" do you think you are going to glean off a Google search or a gaggle of Facebook Karens?

I have religious objections.  Sorry, even the Pope has told you to get off your ass and get vaccinated.

They can't tell me what to do.  Well, yes, actually, they can - you get told what to do every goddamned day of your life.  Speed limits, stop signs, no shirt, no shoes, no service, proof of insurance, car registration, taxes, ID required to fly, and yes, vaccinations.  Your right to be a diaper load crybaby ends where public health and safety begins.  And as far as vaccinations?  You do realize how many have been injected into you since you took your first breath, right?  Try enrolling your offspring without them.  They are also the reason we do not see polio and iron lungs everywhere we look.    

What we are seeing everywhere we look are new cases of COVID's stealthy Omicron variant.  Since yesterday at 1pm, we have added 1,639,775, obliterating the world record for new cases in a single day.  Go us.  We have lost another 3,423 lives.  (We lost our collective minds when 9/11 took 2,977 people, yet we are seeing that daily again and we don't even blink.)  Hospitals across the country are implementing crisis care protocols meaning you may be SOL if you need emergency care, or if you show up unvaccinated and in dire COVID straits.  Yes, the oath is First do no harm, but they cannot do any help if there is no space or medical personnel to provide it.

And that last part?  Being unvaxxed and running to the ER unable to breathe?  Well, my give-a-shit meter is broken.  You people bleat about not believing in science and not trusting the doctors begging you to do the right thing to protect yourself, your loved ones, and society, yet the first thing you do when your body exposes how stupid you have been is to run and beg science to save you.  Pound sand.  Your hubris and bullshit and 'it's just a cold' garbage have endangered others, killed others, for over two years now.  What you deserve is to be referred back to your Facebook group and have the ER door slammed in your wheezing maw.

But fear not - there you will find the latest cure!  It's simple, easy to obtain, and homemade!  Just drink your own piss.  Forget the camels I mentioned above.  Just pee into an old Snapple bottle and drink up.   Or if you're adept, guys, just lay on your back and aim. 

I'm not kidding.

Groups on FB have been in existence for years espousing the restorative, preventative, curative abilities of your golden shower.  But in the age of COVID they have proliferated.  Parents trade secrets to get their kids to ingest it.  One mom wrote of sneaking a wee bit of wee into lemonade and freezing it into popsicles.  

Again, not kidding.  How about this advice gleaned straight from one of the groups? “The mid-stream of the first morning urine is the most important drink of the day.”  Bottoms up?

Gee whiz - if that's not enough, you can find advice and recipes for urine eye drops, enemas, douches, gargling with urine for 20 to 30 minutes, or ageing urine (to concentrate the effects).  And let's not forget the diehards who bathe in their own urine.

All of this to avoid getting vaccinated.  Because vaccines became a political football under an orange oaf for whom golden showers have long been rumored to be a favorite.  

What's next?  Eating our own "topsoil"?  It's not farfetched as they are rapidly running out of options and orifices.  And given how quickly they grasp onto the next new thing to be shared online?  Well, I wouldn't partake of the chocolate pie the next time you attend one of their potlucks.

When it comes to COVID magic bullets, one day urine, the next day you're out... 

Tick Tock, M Effers

It started very early Monday morning.  Slightly awake in the dark, my throat felt odd when I swallowed.  The room was warm, so I just wrote it off to that, that my throat was dry.  I drank some water and tried to go back to sleep.

Odd.  That is the best I can describe what hung on yesterday.  Not sore, not really scratchy.  Did not hurt when I swallowed, but something was sitting there like a faint echo.  Then my nose, which had been runny over the weekend - nothing too major - was stuffy.  What little sleep I got last night was not enough.  I am exhausted today.  But as I lay awake most of the night, I managed to track down and secure a COVID testing appointment about 30 minutes from my home. 

This morning my throat was something.  Not the red, fire-y feeling, but the I-swallowed-a-handful-of-sand feeling.  That has not abated.

Arriving at my destination - a sports complex with drive up testing, everything I have been writing about was clear - the line of cars stretched to at least 100.  That was ahead of me.  The line that formed behind me ended up just as long.  For over an hour I inched my way forward, finally being approached by a nurse who supplied me with the sterile swab and vial of liquid, instructing me that I would swab myself and continue to move forward.  Done.

Closed vial in hand, it still took 40 minutes to move forward and for another nurse to come to my window, ask for my confirmation number, print out a sticker of my info for the vial, and then take it from me.

And now I sit and wait.  When my husband had COVID in November, I went and got tested a couple times.  Each time I was emailed my results within 24 hours.  But back then, there were no lines to wait in.  And the country was not averaging 2 MILLION tests being processed daily, with upwards of ONE MILLION coming back positive each day.

819,563,548.  I sit and look at that gargantuan number - the total number of tests in this country since COVID hit - and know I am in there for three.  The two in November, the one today.  I look at 735,152 - the total new positive cases since 9am this morning and wonder if I will be in the data dump tomorrow or Thursday when my results come back.  

Then I look at 4,078 - the number of lives lost since January 1 - three days ago.  I find my solace there.  Fully vaxxed and boosted, I am very confident I will not find myself in the hospital, choking for air, or being bid farewell by my family via an ipad.

That is why we get vaccinated.  That is why we get the booster.  That is why I will get another booster if the guidelines move to that point.  Not because the shots provide an impenetrable suit of armor, but because they provide my immune system the tools it needs to help better protect my body from the devastating physical storm of COVID that continues to take over a thousand lives daily. 

Unvaccinated holdouts account for nearly 99% of all COVID deaths.  Daily we see yet another story (stories) of some loudmouthed talking head, Facebook Karen, or politician with an R by their name - so brazen only weeks ago about not being told what to do - having their COVID death announced.  Children left behind, a new GoFundMe set up by relatives left to care for them and dispose of the ignorant wretch who passed, and typically a plea from a once unbelieving family member for people to get vaccinated.

It shouldn't take the death of a loved one.  But that is the attitude so pervasive in this nation that is dragging us into our third year fighting a variant that is blazing through our population - from babies to the elderly.  It should not have to affect you for you to finally give a shit.  For you to wake up and realize that Hey!  Maybe you don't know more than an epidemiologist who has dedicated their entire adult life to research.  That horse dewormer is not a cure-all, and that Joe Rogan is actually just a loudmouthed prick who doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground.

Here are FACTS.

Our 14 day average of new cases is up 239%  The globe's average is just 132%  
Hospitalizations are up 75%
Children's ICUs are full and children ARE dying
If you have an emergency - a car accident, a stroke, a heart attack - you may be turned away.  Hell, even a laceration that needs medical eyeballs and stitches can find you sent home - this happened to my brother-in-law last week.  Urgent Cares with no doctors, or one doctor and multiple patients ahead, ERs overflowing.  He ended up back home at 1am, still bleeding, with my sister attempting to tourniquet and bandage him as best as she was able.

Here in Arizona another hospital made national news last week when they had to deny heart patients and have their status as a Cardiac Receiving Center removed because they did not have enough healthy employees to staff the cath lab.  And no, you cannot just swap one doctor or nurse for another.  These are highly specialized and trained medical professionals and if they are sick, you and your suddenly bum ticker are screwed.

Transplant patients are closer than ever to dying because they either refuse to get vaccinated or test positive when an organ is found, removing them from being qualified to receive it.

But back to the children.  All over this country they are being hospitalized in record numbers - Connecticut, Georgia, Illinois, Kentucky, Massachusetts, Maine, Missouri, Ohio and Pennsylvania, as well as Washington, D.C. - all have charted record numbers of compromised children.

Dr. Mark Kline, the physician-in-chief at Children's Hospital New Orleans: "We've spent two years rebutting myths pertaining to Covid and children, that it's 'harmless' for children. It's not."

In his pediatric unit alone, there are fourteen children, three children under TWO in the ICU.  The youngest COVID patient is 8 WEEKS OLD.

These numbers are repeating across the country.

At least 325,340 cases were reported nationally during the week of Dec. 23, up from 198,551 the week before.  Common denominator?  Either too young to be vaccinated or the children of selfish, ignorant, unvaccinated parents who refuse to vaccinate their kids. 

"We rarely see a vaccinated child in the hospital," Kline said.

Can you read that simple sentence, you oafs?  I cannot wrap my head around intentionally endangering my children.  I just can't.  And with each passing day, as the numbers grow, the beds fill up, and children fight for their tiny lives, there is no other way to describe it than this:  CHILD ENDANGERMENT.

That is not hyperbole.  That is cold, hard, provable truth.

But there you are - a plumber, a dental hygienist, a produce stocker, a talk radio host, a stock broker, a football player, a mom, a stay-at-home dad, a truck driver, a mechanic, a singer, a cake decorator, an accountant, a lawyer - all noble, honest endeavors and professions - BUT YOU DO NOT KNOW MORE THAN THE SCIENTISTS.  I don't care how many badly spelled memes you ingest on Facebook, Gab, and now Gettr - YOU. ARE. NOT. MORE. QUALIFIED. THAN. DR. FAUCI.  (Who, despite continuing death threats still works daily to save your stupid asses.) 

And stop quoting statistics from VAERS (Vaccine Adverse Event Reporting System).  Ever since you people discovered that site, it is obvious you take advantage of the main loophole that makes it worthless.  VAERS is completely self reporting.  That means I can go on right now and report that the COVID vaccine gave me anal warts in my ears, then make another report that the COVID vaccine killed my aunt's cousin's babysitter's dogwalker when his scrotum inflated (a la Nikki Minaj bullshit) and exploded in church on Christmas morning.  Then I can submit yet another report that after receiving the vaccine, I grew a tail, began to speak in tongues, saw my hair turn purple, my nipples begin to spin like radio dials, and that my uterus now hangs to my knees like a cow udder.  Oh, and that my car key sticks to my vaccination spot.

All you have done by padding that site with bullshit is insure your fellow dullards stay further away from FACTS and SAFETY, and you scare more people into thinking they will die, or worse, be controlled by Bill Gates and George Soros.  By paying for fake vaccination cards, all you have done is endanger those around you.  Literally, people have died because of your cowardice and blinding stupidity and belligerence.

It does not matter if YOU only have a mild case.  You spread it like ivermectin on your asshole to countless other people who may not be as lucky.  And yes, you can get COVID again.  And again.  And again.  One round does not give you some magic cloaking powers.

Delta is still very much out there, and Omicron is like the Colorado fires last week, driven forward at astonishing speed by the winds.  MILLIONS of people are going to contract it.  Age does not protect you.  Joe Rogan does not protect you.  FOX does not protect you.  THE VACCINES WILL PROTECT YOU.

Because that is what they are for.  Not to keep you from the column that just added 99,760 new cases since I started typing this piece.  But to keep you out of the column that just added 247 more deaths in the same amount of time.

COVID is coming for you, for me, for all of us.  The difference in our outcomes is what we do before it finds us.  Get vaccinated and live, or wallow in your memes and die.

Tick, tock, mother fuckers...