Together In Laughter, Together In Loss

It was just over nine years ago when I sat down at this keyboard and had to break the heart of this blog by communicating to you all that Toni, having suffered extensive head injuries, had passed.  Toni represented so much of what this piece of internet real estate had become.  A family.  A family comprised of disparate strangers from all walks of life, all states, countries around the globe - strangers who had morphed into friends through the mere act of sharing.

That day will never leave me.  The privilege of being allowed such windows into so many of your lives, so much confidence placed in me as you have privately shared your struggles throughout the years, I have never taken that trust for granted.  But that day, that extreme privilege mixed with such profound pain as I was asked to share her passing.  It was one of the most humbling experiences of my life.  Speaking at her memorial, an honor permanently attached to my soul.

I sit here again, tears flowing down my face, as I write these words about another one of our amazing DGMS family members, Jackie Anderson.   She has left us far, far too soon.

But then cancer, like the speeding van that took Toni, is an uncaring, heinous, equal opportunity destroyer.

Jackie has been a fixture here since the fabled American Idol days.  Looking back through the comments - hers take up 12 complete pages through the years - she first found her way to DGMS in May of 2007.  By her own admission in one early comment, she was "either a great or a terrible mother. I introduced my son to this blog and now he's as big an addict as I am. I'm on-line now working, and he's still up anxiously awaiting the "reCrapping". 

From that, her son Randy became a DGMSer and online friend through the years, too.

As the past 12 years have rolled on, Jackie has provided her own brand of warmth, no nonsense views on the myriad topics we talk about here, and has become a good friend to so many of us.  I have written many times in the past, do not ever let anyone roll their eyes or write off these friendships made here.  They are real, with real people and real hearts behind them.  Many of us have had the opportunity to step off the page and meet in person, but even those we have not yet met IRL, are REAL.

Reading through her comments, I have smiled through my tears, pulled some to share with her son Randy as we message back and forth, and marveled at just how, no matter what she was facing at any point in her time with us - health woes, financial strain, stresses, fears - she was unfailingly upbeat and such a bright light.  Comment after comment of her laughter, her bad jokes, her cheerleading, her supporting, her sharing her pride at being a mother, then a grandmother.  And then I found the one she left when I wrote about Toni's memorial: "If that turkey, Toni, makes us all hold hands and sing Kum Ba Ya, I'll pee my pants with laughter."

And the tears come again.  No matter how much she or any of you have grown to love this place, being memorialized on this page is not something I wish for any of you.  I am quite sure she never imagined me sitting here writing about her passing.

The past few months, she and I have been in very regular contact.  She shared her health fears, I knew the financial strains, and through your donations, we made her Christmas wish come true - she simply wanted to be able to provide gifts to her grandbabies. set a nice table for Christmas dinner.  You all did that. 

As she shared some of what was happening with her health online, I was privileged to "hold her hand" behind the scenes, absorb the fears she shared, try to return some of the cheerleading she had so freely given through the years.  When the diagnosis came - a very rare form of cancer, my heart sank.  Yet she maintained her positive refrain, and we shared even more awful jokes about her pain's, um, location.  This comment from years back made me smile: My e-mail address is still "amomonthemove" because of all my mom-taxi runnings. I should actually change it now to "amomenjoyingsittingonherbutt" since mine are grown and doing their own running. hmmmm - I may have to give that more serious thought.

I can assure you that sitting on her butt was the last thing she wanted to be doing.

As things worsened over the past weeks, your donations helped with immediate needs in her home.  I promise she appreciated every penny. 

As I was flying home this past week, having bought wifi on the plane, I was messaging with her.  She was very honest - she had been in the hospital for the past week, the medications were not helping, conditions were worsening, and the pain was becoming unbearable.  Then she told me she and her kids had filled out DNR paperwork.

I'm not stupid or in denial.  I knew how bad things were when she was diagnosed.  But the three letters "DNR" brought everything into sharp focus.  She told me, "This may be the end of the road for me."

Crying on the airplane, we shared some more bad jokes.

I still thought there was time.

But last night, Randy reached out to tell me she had passed about an hour prior.  I am stunned by the speed, our bad jokes still hanging warm in the message air between us, but I know that the speed also brought about the relief, the release from a pain none of us can truly imagine, a pain I know Jackie would hope none of us ever will bear.

But in the speed, her family has been left broadsided, hit with a semi truck of emotion and loss, shielded only by the shock the human brain can provide to carry us through the worst of times.  Randy has been an angel sharing with me throughout the day.  His mother was everything.  Not just the decent human being we all knew through DGMS.  Not just a smartass, or NASCAR fan, or ray of sunshine supporting others. 

He told me, She singlehandedly shaped me into the adult I am today. I'm not really sure how I could've asked for a better mother. She was so incredibly selfless.

Reading through her 12 pages and 12+ years of comments, her pride in being a mother was clearly evident.  She took her role seriously, instilling honor, accountability, strength, and immense love in her children, and in her grandchildren.  My heart breaks for the tiniest two who will grow up without remembering or experiencing her presence in their lives.

As I went back and reread the words I wrote about Toni's passing, these apply to our situation today, and I change only the name:

We Are One:  In all of the years I have written DGMS, I have taken so much pride in seeing the blogmunity rally to send Mae to school, save animals, keep Santa alive - to truly touch lives.  But never, never have I ever envisioned having to sit here and try to type these next words.

Jackie's children need our help.  Jackie needs our help.  Finances are strained and decisions must be made.

My heart is breaking, but I have never felt such an awesome obligation before in my life.  I am begging you all, please join me in chipping in what you can.  We have this amazing chance to carry Jackie from this life and help her energy be released.  I know it will shower back down on us all. 

College, Christmas gifts, mattresses, winter coats, pets - they all now pale next to the opportunity we all have to stand as ONE and deliver our friend to peace.  The peace she earned in this life.  The peace she will have in knowing her children have not been burdened by her passing.  And in return, the peace I know she will insure we all receive.

DGMS is now honored to be adding another guardian angel.  Her name is Jackie.  Please help me give her wings to fly. The Yes, Virginia link is open.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am so thankful for the years she has added to my life, to all our lives.  I will miss you, Jackie, but I swear on my eyeballs, I will NOT sing one note of Kumbaya.  Hug Toni for us.

 

Comments

[SK]

RIP Jackie. My deepest condolences to Randy, her family, grandkids, friends and this blogmunity. Our loved ones never truly leave us so long as we keep their love and memories alive. Oddly, Kumbaya, is also going through in my head at this moment.

[Nikki in nyc]

Terrible news. I am sorry to hear it and send my condolences to Randy, her family and friends. Damn cancer.

[Leigh in FL]

She's no longer in pain. And I can say with absolute certainty that where she is now is the most beautiful, amazing, blissfully wonderful place to be. We talked a bit about how to cope with the intense pain, and I told her about the "what comes after". It seemed to relieve her. She is already so very, very missed.

I love you all. Each and every one of you that I have had the privilege to become friends with through this blog. You are my true family!

[DeDe]

I still cannot believe this. I know that death is a part of the life cycle, but this is just... hard. Unfair. Too soon. :(

[Linda S to RBlues]

God help me, Jackie forgive me - so am I.

[RBlues]

I can't help it, but I'm humming 'Kumbaya' in my head...