Don't Get Me Started with Linda Sharp

The Swift Kick of Perspective

My life is good.  As I type that I am aware of Superstition whispering in my ear, "Don't jinx it."

We are secure, have food in the cupboards, and don't give a second thought to filling up the tank.  My kids, each on the other side of their personal challenge tunnels, are traveling in the light and doing well.  And I am married to a man who works 7 days a week to make it all possible, all the while loving us all beyond measure.

But this past week has found me indulging in a pity party.

My sister, my best friend and safe place in this world, and I have had a trip in the works for a year now.  We have traded countdown snaps, texts planning dinners, outfits, costumes even.  (Yes, costumes - we have a Disney cruise reserved, complete with Pirate Night on which we were going to indulge our inner Jack Sparrows.)

As the date has drawn closer, we did what we humans do - we held our breath.  Hoping we didn't get sick, hoping the government would reopen so TSA and the air traffic controllers would be getting paid, hoping all would stay calm in our respective worlds so we could meet and enjoy a week together.

But then it happened.  The "bad things happen to good people" incident.

This past week her husband took a bad fall in a parking lot.  BAD.  As in huge goose egg on his head, five fractured ribs, and low level hemothorax BAD.

Now, she is married to someone much like my husband.  Even while sitting in the ER waiting for X-rays, CT scans, and assessment by a trauma specialist, he was more concerned about the implications on HER trip than on HIS well being.  He made a speech urging her to still go, that it would be ok.

Once the results started coming back in, there was good news.  His head was fine.  But five ribs and compromised breathing were not.  And the danger with broken ribs and the pain they cause is that the inclination to take a full breath is pretty nonexistent.  We humans excel at trying to avoid additional suffering.  But the fallout of not fully filling one's lungs is pneumonia and all the danger that brings with it.

With a very sad heart, but a very big heart that always does the right thing - she canceled herself off this trip.  At least the first leg of it - it is actually two cruises back to back, the first leaving tomorrow then back Friday, the second leaving Friday back Monday.

Talking to her last night, the sadness in her voice broke this sister's heart.  She is running the gamut of emotions - disappointment, sadness, anger.  Not anger at him for falling.  Just anger at the universe for this happening to begin with.

All normal emotions.  As I told her, she is a great human being because she has her priorities straight, but she is also a HUMAN BEING and is allowed to feel all these things, including the anger.

I arrived in Denver yesterday for my morning flight today.  All the excitement I would normally be feeling tempered by the facts at hand.  Internally pissing and moaning because I would be doing this alone, railing at the fates, yada yada.  And yes, having outwardly said multiple times that there are far worse things in this world than taking a cruise alone.  But, see HUMAN BEING above.)

So, part of being in Denver means I get to see Toby.  And as my children all know, part of a visit from Mom means we hit the grocery store on my dime, not theirs.   So T and I went shopping.

We had not even cleared produce when I was checking my phone and saw a FB message.  I started reading and my face fell hard enough that T came right to me and asked what was wrong.  Someone who is a long time part of this blogmunity family, who has only recently shared with us her medical crisis and the unforgiving nature of the diagnosis, was asking for help.  Help to keep the lights on, to keep the house warm, to stay minimally connected to the world while she is confined to bed.  She was asking for Yes, Virginia help.

Standing by the avocados, I knew that YV takes time.  It takes me finding the words, posting them, you reading them.  I Zelled her $300 immediately and promised to ask you all if you could pitch in.  As we walked the aisles, filling the cart, my heart processing the swift kick of perspective it was receiving, I let her know help was on the way.

She called me an angel and a hero.

I'm not.  I like to think I am a good person, with a decently sized heart.  But in these instances, those two things are helped tremendously by having the resources to just do it.  To not ask, but to tell Rudy after the fact, and know his heart and his support are unwavering.

At the checkout lane, I dropped $200 on groceries, cat litter, etc for T without a thought.  Again, fortunate to have resources.

As we walked through the cold parking lot to the car, we were approached by a young woman with two small children and a cardboard sign begging for help for food.  Everyone else was ignoring her polite pleas.  I stopped.  "Yes, yes I can help you."

Typically I never have cash on me, but because I am traveling, I do.  I opened my wallet and pulled out a twenty and handed it to her.  The gratitude on her face and in her voice - you would have thought it was a million dollars.  Then the little girl not in the stroller smiled up at me and quietly said, "Can I have one, too?"  I pulled out a dollar bill for her and her sibling in the stroller.  One last look at mom and I saw the tears in her eyes.  They were matched by mine.

Again, perspective.

I walked to the car with Toby and he hugged me again.  I whispered I had just dropped $520 in less than an hour.  He said it is because I am a good person, and that I was putting more good karma into the world, maybe even for this trip.  

The reality is I dropped $520 because I could.  Because I have a compulsive defect in me that makes it hard to say no unless it is physically impossible to say yes.  Look, we are not rich.  We have three kids each with one foot out of the nest and one foot still in the checkbook - and one is at Harvard, and another is in art school.  But we are so much better off than so many.  And we know that.  I spent last night thinking about the gift the universe sent me - the gentle reminder that yes, bad things happen to good people, but that good people must help when those bad things take hold.

So here I sit, at 37,000 feet, drowning in privilege, but buoyed by perspective.  

Yes, I am sad that I will be getting on the cruise alone tomorrow.  But the reports from Kim are positive.  Mike is making great strides.  So maybe, just maybe Toby will be right about that karma.

Because my heart really needs to hug my sister in that cruise terminal Friday morning.

28 Years - Building Bridges Not Walls

Back in the fall of 2017, it was my privilege to officiate the wedding of Kendall's college roommate, Saba, to the love of her life, Brandon.  The day was as beautiful as the bride, as expansive as the love one could easily feel flow from them, one to the other.

I still look back and marvel at the complete trust placed in me in that ceremony.  They gave me free rein to script it as I saw fit.  I am sure Kendall sat in the assembly holding her breath, knowing how dangerous her mother and "free rein" can be. :)

For me, as in ceremonies I had done before, there was only one message I wanted to impart.  It was the one given to Rudy and I by a barefoot minister named Hotch, as we sat with him several days before our wedding on the island of Kauai.

Today, 28 years from the day we stood before him, his words are still the guiding principle of our marriage, his voice the one in my head when I stumble, when things get tough.

This morning I pulled out the booklet where I had written the words I shared with Saba and Brandon.  Reading them, I decided I wanted to share them here.  As they do for me, maybe they can catch you when you falter, recenter you when you fall off the path, and remind you that your marriage is a journey - one made infinitely more passable by always building bridges, not walls.  

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We come together today to celebrate not the culmination of a journey, but a milestone on it as Saba and Brandon merge their two paths into one. 

As I look out, I can see many who also achieved this milestone, joined their paths, and are still charting their course together as one. 

I represent one of those couples. 

And as such promised you both to share with you what has been a foundational piece of our journey.

28 years ago, on a small island in the Pacific, my husband and I sat before a barefoot minister and he gifted us with what has proved to be the simplest, yet most lasting lesson for any marriage.

ALWAYS BUILD BRIDGES, NOT WALLS.

Walls are easier to build.  It is amazing how easy it is to become an emotional stone mason.

The bricks of resentment, arrogance, pride – seem feather light as they are laid into place.  But I promise you, those bricks become almost impossible to move the longer they sit.  And the higher the walls become, the harder it is to see over, to see each other. 

But the bridge is how you find your way to one another.  The bridge is how you walk forward, meeting in the middle where compromise is found.

The bridge is how one of you will walk completely towards the other, admitting that you were wrong.

The bridge is how even in your rightness, you may need to cross to beg forgiveness.

The bridge is how you reach one another in times of crisis, in times of joy.

 The bridge is how you continue the path you forge today.  And if you remember this, you will find, like I still do, 28 years in, these words ever present in your minds.

ALWAYS BUILD BRIDGES, NOT WALLS.

When it came to the vows, my requests of them were simple, but ever important.

You have loved this amazing woman for many years already.  I ask you today will you promise to continue to love her completely, even when she is unlovable?

To support her as she chases dreams with you, and apart? To stand by her when life is uncertain and frightening, just as easily as when the days are bright and without care?

Do you promise to continue to do all the things that won her to your side? 

To never stop wooing, considering, doing all the little things that are ultimately the biggest in the end? 

And finally, do you promise to always remember that you now carry Saba’s heart, her faith, her trust her hopes, her love, in yours?  And that only you have been granted the incredible honor of protecting that heart?

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Today, as I celebrate 28 years with my amazing husband, I look forward to many more years, building our bridge together, and to always being mindful of the incredible honor I have of carrying and protecting his heart.

Happy anniversary, Rudy.

 

 

 

Beginning With Thanks

Good morning and welcome to 2019 - HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Happy.

I know "happy" seems miles away from so many.  The turn of the clock does not magically erase the pain of loss; it does not utter a spell and Harry Potter away medical crisis; it has no secret talents for the relief of financial anxiety.

So we take "happy" where we can find it.  In the smile of a friend, in the laughter of a child, in the momentary escape of a favorite TV program.  Happy is gossamer and fleeting, so resolve to be mindful of the feeling when it visits itself upon you.

This morning I find my happiness in the faces of my loved ones - near and far; I find it in the excitement of plans made throughout this coming year; and I feel it in the thanks received and so much the in the thanks I give to all of you.

I received another expression of that gratitude yesterday.  Appreciation for being remembered, grateful for the smiles Yes, Virginia was able to bestow.  Please start your new year with this expression of "happy."  You did this.  And I am grateful and happy to know you all.

Linda

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First off I apologize for not getting this to you sooner. During the season, time flies and I never seem to have enough where I can just sit and gather my thoughts.

This year had unexpected highs and lows, but I really should "Big Brother" life and expect the unexpected. The unexpected is the reason behind this thank you to everyone in our blogmunity.

I spent countless hours wondering how I was going to manage the upcoming holidays. Distracted, worried, rearranging the budget for the bills, how was I going to find that extra for Christmas dinner and a present or two?

And then out of nowhere I received a message from our favorite beautiful Yes, Virginia elf. She was doing what she does, checking in, caring, asking if everything was okay. And I broke down a little, beat myself up a lot, swallowed the lump in my throat and reached out across the miles and said I needed help.

With love, words of encouragement and a beautiful message, I received a gift card from Walmart. This was used for a turkey AND a ham, all the dinner trimmings, a hoodie, underwear and slippers. There was also enough for a card game, a gingerbread house and village, and the makings for mini pumpkin cheesecakes.

Thank you to everyone from the bottom of my heart. Your love and generosity put food on the table and presents under the tree. But what you gave us most isn't the tangible, we also received family time filled with giggles and laughter, a little competitiveness, a sugar high and a lot of love.

Linda's message? "Because it takes a village. Love, your DGMS family."

From our village to all of yours, thank you and Happy New Year!

Love,

A grateful DGMS family member