The Content of Contentment

There is a misnomer, rampant among the young and in love, that the absence of drama must mean the proliferation of boredom.

We have all been there.  Young love is lusty, alive, full of first steps, missteps, tears, make-ups, break ups, and more fireworks.  Every day is an adventure. Every misunderstanding a chance for that breathless make up session.

There is a tension, if you will, that keeps things exciting, uncertain.

And we humans love that.    

Yet when a comfort level begins to establish itself; when drama is replaced by the day-to-day; when the flame dies down - we panic.  Addicted to the tension, the passion, the newness - when faced with a lack thereof, we tend to freak out and start believing the love must not be there anymore either.

Not true.

There is a Grand Canyon of difference between contentment and boredom.

I am again airborne, thinking about the past few days spent visiting my oldest and her boyfriend.  And while it goes without saying that I love any chance to spend with her, I must say that hanging out with him, sans her, is proving to be something I look forward to as well.

They are pushing three years now.  Three years that have seen two remarkable young people, having been hurt badly in their pasts, take another chance on love with one another.  Three years in which they have learned as much about themselves as they have one another. Three years in which they have found contentment.

That’s not a small thing for a mom to see.  My children are my life, and having seen one hurt so badly in the past, my radar is extra sensitive for anything that seems amiss.  What my radar picks up in them is happiness.

As for the young man, I liked him from the first time I met him.  Two years ago he secured a bigger place in my heart when he signed up to spend a week in a cruise ship stateroom with Culley, Toby and myself.  THAT is not a small thing, I assure you. And he was game for all of it. We laughed, talked, played, and I was struck by the comfort level I was not only seeing in my child, but the one I was feeling in his presence, too.

And well, Toby is like a dog with new people.  That he liked Sean from the word go? Woof.

The past few days in Seattle were wonderful.  I got to see them both, spend a whole day shopping with Culley, sharing our bad sense of humor, ability to finish each other’s sentences, and just bask in how much I love her.  To say I miss her is a serious understatement.

But my trip there also afforded me time alone with Sean.  He took half a day off to just walk, shop, show me around.  As we walked block after block, I marveled at, or rather, I reveled in, how much I enjoyed just hanging out with him.  Conversation simply flowed, we talked about everything and nothing, he even indulged my spontaneous desire to visit a cat cafe.  

He is a remarkable young man.  Smart, funny, well traveled, sensitive, adventurous, unafraid to indulge his little kid inside, full of forward motion, ambitious, and yes, he loves my daughter.

That’s not hard, mind you.  Yes, she is strikingly beautiful and smart, but he sees so far beyond the surface with her.  He sees what makes her tick, he knows her scars from her past, as she knows his, he sees her growing and changing, as she sees him, and he feels lucky to be in her orbit.

As she feels lucky about being allowed into his.

Today, as we shared some more time without Culley, we talked about their happiness, where they are in their new life in Seattle, and the word contentment.

Drawing on my 28 years of marriage with Rudy - a marriage that has had plenty of drama, tension, ups, downs, and longing - I stressed that it took me a very long time to understand that being content is not anywhere in the same galaxy as being bored.  

Contentment, in its best possible terms, implies great content:  happiness, security, feeling safe, accepted, loved, able to exhale.  No drama required. I told him it is obvious to me.  And to enjoy it.  Trust it.  It is also their course to chart, their road to forge, their choices to make.  No one else’s timetable, no one else’s expectations need apply.

Being young and unafraid of being content is a gift.  One that does not typically visit itself upon their age demographic.  So embrace it.  Wallow in it.

Yes, in any relationship, the two people must also be mindful that certain aspects require work, attention - like a fire, the embers must be tended to keep the flame a possibility.  And no, you won’t always like one another. We’re human beings. Love is a constant, like is fluid. I promise you, Rudy doesn’t always like me, and vice versa - we can both be complete asses - but love is not ever a question.  In fact, the love makes it permissible to be human, to risk being unlikable in the moment.

Again, something it has taken me long years to understand, internalize.  

In many ways, Rudy and I are like newlyweds - only one year into living together, adjusting our very independent lives to accommodate the now constant presence of the other.  But what we have, what we have found in that year, is contentment. Passion doesn’t need drama in order to exist.

I know my children have paid attention to what the years have been like for their father and I.  They know what it is like to see two people in love sacrificing everything for a bigger purpose. They know what hurt looks like.  They understand that even the greatest love can still be subject to fear, hurt, inattention, complacency.

They have also been witness to what it looks like when the biggest risk turns out to be much smaller than the reward.  They know what love looks like. All of it.  The good, the bad, the hard, and the content.

I see it at work in the relationships my children are building in their lives.  The chances they are taking, the pains they are enduring, the people they are choosing to allow into their orbits.  As with the Indiana Jones chalice adventure - they are choosing wisely. Three out of three have people in their lives who deserve to be there, who add, who value them, who make them even better people.

Flying away from Culley and Sean stings.  But I leave knowing they are charting their own course.  Their future is theirs to define, the timetable theirs to dictate.  There is no race to any societal expectation, no need to keep up with the pace of friends past or present.  They are still defining themselves as individuals, writing their own rules on who they are together.

As I fly home, thinking about where they have been before one another, what they survived, and what they have found together, tears fill my eyes in the best possible way.  These two amazing people are happy. They are content.

Which perfectly describes this mom’s heart.

Comments

[Nikki in nyc]

I am so happy for Culley. She has been through a lot. I daresay it was worse than what you described. Am glad she found someone nice to share her life with after all that. And you are right about contentment.

[Veronica]

Beautifully said. I agree so wholeheartedly that contentment is a goal, not riches, not passion, just the ability to be yourself in the presence of those you love.

[Pat in Canada]

There is nothing better for a mom's heart than seeing their children thrive. So happy for all of you.