Don't Get Me Started with Linda Sharp

Germanwings Crash: Why We Cannot Comprehend

When the news broke of the Germanwings plane crashing in the Alps, the world, as it does every time a plane goes down, took a beat.

Regardless of your distance, personal disconnect to a tragedy, or your ennui over awful world events - your basic humanity has a reaction.  In those moments, it is almost impossible to not mentally place yourself in those circumstances, to imagine what you would do, think, feel.

That's because flesh is flesh, blood is blood.  Regardless of what prejudices we may carry around, preconceived notions we have about others, or even hate we tend like a furnace towards a particular group - deep down we know that a body is a body is a body - and that ours is no more indestructible than another. 

We know we are not some special snowflake that could withstand a bomb, a terrorist, a plane crash.

So we read a news story, digest the available details, and then attempt to resume our lives.

But then more details emerge.

Faces, places, ages, occupations.  Dammit, now those who perished begin to take a real form.  They are no longer just figures in an overall tally of death.  They are mothers holding babies, like Maria Bandres and her son, Julian.  Students wearing ipods.  Husbands newly married.

It becomes more uncomfortable to think about because they look like us.  They lived like us.  The unease we feel we attempt to assuage with mental platitudes like, "They are in Heaven."  "They died instantly."

But then more details emerge.

In this instance, what began as a tragic plane crash - one where a mechanical issue could be accepted; one in which an explosion onboard would be tragic yet within our ability to process - has begun to appear to be intentional.  A suicide by copilot with a side order of mass murder.  A single person who decided to die, not caring that he was sentencing 149 others to join him.

This is where our ability to comprehend stops.  At least for most of us.

Our deep humanity, our inherent decency, our lust for life, our love of family, our respect for others simply cannot comprehend an act that reeks of a selfishness so complete, so heinous, so devoid of compassion.

The details that continue to emerge hint at a young person - only 27 - with a history of some level of depressive periods - committing a horrific crime of opportunity.  Knowing that a recording exists of the pilot frantically trying to re-enter the cockpit, only to have the same recording also indicate the co-pilot made no sound, other than his breathing while directing the plane downward - is almost more than can we can bear.

Add to this the information that screaming can be heard from passengers.  They knew, if only briefly that their deaths were imminent.

For me, this annihilates the comfort I initially tried to take in telling myself, perhaps they had no clue, hopefully they never knew what happened.

That death was instantaneous is not in dispute.  The complete obliteration of the aircraft and its occupants is obvious.  The recovery of human remains is simply what remains of the humans.  There are no complete bodies, not even close.

And again, we are left unable to comprehend a decision so devoid of care for others, a deed so completely, heinously complete.

I simply cannot fathom being a family member.  There are no answers that will come that will provide an "ah ha!" moment in this.  No informational absolution.  No true emotional closure.

Some may try to shield themselves from the reality by drawing their faith around them like a blanket.  Some may redirect their agony into activism.  Others may take this pain, this anger to their own graves. 

But the one thing that simply will never happen for them, for us, for every decent person who looks at another human being with respect and recognition of a mirror image - is comprehension.

And perhaps, in that inability is a tiny seed of hope.  For if we cannot comprehend an evil so complete, it means we are so very unlike it, and more connected to a world full of others who cannot comprehend it, than we know.

Dragging Society Into The Future

(Warning:  I'm in a mood.  Pack a lunch.)

Baby steps.  Forward motion.  Strides. 

However you choose to name it, there is no denying that society - both here at home and internationally - is evolving when it comes to acceptance of those in the LGBT community.

Personally, I don't like referring to it as a community because to me that implies separateness, differences, "the other."  Yes, I realize that is exactly how many still view those unlike themselves, but I am not now, nor have I ever been of that mindset.  I see people.  That's it.  No more, no less.

People.

People who laugh, cry, live, die, paint, shop, sing, dance, walk, talk, eat broccoli, swill alcohol, teetote, watch TV, have a Sleep number, endure a shitty old mattress, eat takeout, and go to the bathroom ... JUST LIKE ME.

Yet for those who still see them as a form of "the other," all those attributes, characteristics, hobbies and jobs, are somehow ignored, and they are reduced down to one thing.

The one thing that makes their backwards, repressed, brainwashed, or Bible beaten hearts oogey inside:  Sex

That's it, that's all.  How they have sex and who they have it with.

I don't get it.  I am a multifaceted person with talents, hobbies, a family, a resume, opinions, education, and an addiction to Keds.  When I walk into a room of people I don't know and strike up a conversation, I don't lead with, "Hi, I am Linda, and mmmmm, do I like me some wood."

Yet, another person with the same expansive personal history, anecdotes, personality, and talents - who just happens to be different - is immediately reduced to that.

Daily we see examples of the stunning ignorance and bigotry that still remains.  A ballot initiative exists in California - the Sodomite Suppression Act - which would mandate that anyone engaging in sodomy "be put to death by bullets to the head."

To that I offer this little nugget:  “You can safely assume you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.” ~ Anne Lamott

Then there's this gem, put up by a church in Tennessee:

I see, so drawing some magical line of bullshit between homosexuality, pedophilia, and bestiality wasn't enough - now they bring Satan into it.

I swear, more and more, religion manifests like a mental illness.

To that end, I give you Exhibit A(sshat), Phil Robertson, of those highly enlightened Duck Dynasty folks.  It's not enough that he spews this kind of crap in his "sermons":

"[Gays are] full of murder, envy, strife, hatred. They are insolent, arrogant, God-haters. They are heartless, they are faithless, they are senseless, they are ruthless."

He has now added to his litany of lunacy with this fantasy about atheists he shared at a prayer breakfast in Vero Beach, Florida - a PRAYER BREAKFAST where a bunch of scrambled egg eating Christians applauded him:

"Two guys break into his home and tie him up in a chair and gag him.  And then they take his two daughters in front of him and rape both of them and then shoot 'em and they take his wife and then decapitate her head off in front of him. And then they can look at him and say, 'Isn't it great that I don’t have to worry about being judged? Isn't it great that there's nothing wrong with this? There's no right or wrong, now is it dude?'

Then you take a sharp knife and take his manhood and hold it in front of him and say, 'Wouldn't it be something if this was something wrong with this? But you’re the one who says there is no God, there’s no right, there’s no wrong, so we’re just having fun. We're sick in the head, have a nice day.'"

I see.  So religion is all that keeps a person in line, keeps them from raping small children, cutting off heads, lopping off a peen here and there?

Sorry, Phil, but a rich history of Catholic priests diddling small children; ISIS followers (uber RELIGIOUS) decapitating captives; and the FACT that the smallest percentage of incarcerated folks (.07%) identify as atheists, vs the larger claiming some form of worship (high 80s), puts paid to your little fantasy.

Seriously, mental illness.

I have often thought about throwing down the challenge to these people to walk away from religion for ONE YEAR.  No church, no bully pulpit, put down the Bible, the Quran, whatever tome you rely on - and just live life.  I am not saying turn your back on your relationship with your deity.  I personally believe it is just that: PERSONAL.  I am saying, give up the man made, human enforced propaganda and rules.

Just be a decent person because it is the best way to live.  Not because you fear a Hell, or seek a Heaven.  Not because you have been made to believe tithing is some ticket out of the cheap seats.  Not because some holy roller in an Armani suit, a Rolex, and a $500 hairdo sells you a story every Sunday.  (Looking at YOU, Joel.)

See if you can walk a decent life on your own.  Let go of fear.  Embrace your humanity. 

You will not turn into an axe murderer.  You won't suddenly want to rape little kids, rob banks, disembowel the neighbors, or start smoking crack.

What you may begin to see is that the constructs built around your chosen or handed down religion make little sense in the face of reality.  That you don't need some preacher threatening you with hellfire in order to love thy neighbor.  Hellfire, you might even get to know your neighbor without the fear, rules, or tenets standing in your way.  Establish a sense of community that consists of the actual community - not just those who think one way in one building.  Give group think the heave ho for a year.

You might *gasp* find out that "the other" is really no different than you.  That your gay checkout clerk is a human being with a heart and ambitions and emotions just like you.

And if your chosen form of "God" exists?  Well, I surmise that He/She/It will be rather happy that you lived a good life, lived decently, treated ALL people evenly, with an open heart, with the love so often spoke of in those books, but seldom seen in practice.  Pleased that you opened your eyes, your mind, your soul to just living well, and helping others do the same.  No dangling carrot needed.  No heinous punishment hanging over your head.

There is a quote, often incorrectly attributed to Marcus Aurelius - though thought to be loosely translated from an actual quote of his in Meditations - great message, nonetheless:

 "Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but...will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones."

Now, I don't expect anyone to take me up on that challenge.  Fear, after all, is a strong motivator against change.  And one must take risks to effect change.  When it comes to that, well, all pun intended:  Better the devil you know... 

Can't stop me from dreaming.

Which brings me back to my opening lines about baby steps, strides, LGBT, equality.

Last night I was lucky enough to be in the sold out crowd that filled the Southside Music Hall in Dallas.  Same place where I attended the Cattle Baron's Ball last year, however, the entertainment was worlds apart.

Over Thanksgiving break Kendall had won the battle and finally had Carson & I captive and strapped to the couch to begin binge watching Ru Paul's Drag Race.  She started us on Season 5.

I knew it was out there.  I knew it was popular.  I just had never located it on my TV or dedicated time to watching it. (See House of Cards, Game of Thrones, et al)

It was not too many episodes in before Carson and I were hooked.  Yes, on the surface it is campy and outrageous, but what it also is?  Amazing.

Drag is an artform.  From the intricate "paint," to costumes that put Bob Mackey to shame; from quick witted queens to performance talent as deep as a diving well - drag can go from hilarious to humbling in the bat of a three inch eyelash.

My vocabulary and vernacular expanded exponentially.  Christmas gifts suddenly included Bianca Del Rio pictures, t-shirts, and yes, tickets to Battle of the Seasons in Dallas.

So it was that we arrived two hours early, stood in a fabulous line, and when the doors opened, made our way to the edge of the stage.  For over two hours we laughed, screamed, cheered, jaw dropped, sang, danced, and communed with a packed and standing crowd whose size I did not fully appreciate until we were trying to exit.

Hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of people representing every demographic you could think of.  Gay, straight, bi, trans, pan, handicapped, young, old, every color, mothers, fathers, sons, daughters - we were all there, embracing those so many would still condemn, cast out, put a bullet into the heads of.

As one performer, the inimitable Jinx Monsoon, shared with the crowd his struggles to come out at 14, how he began doing drag at 15, how it feels to be young, "different" and isolated, how he has seen the world changing, but that there is still far, far to go - I looked, and both my daughters had tears in their eyes.  And they were not alone.

They get it.  They are part of a generation that sees the capacity for beauty in every person.  They embrace talent, honesty, uniqueness, friendship - in whatever form it appears.  They see these drag queens and don't automatically think "gay" "weird" "ewww."  They think "amazing" "awe" "astounding" "love" and "be my friend!"

They see PEOPLE.  Talented, quirky, deep, passionate, open, loving, accepting, generous PEOPLE.

I drove back from Dallas this morning with all of this whirling in my mind.  I went from reliving the night's festivities to contrasting it against politicians who plant their flags against equality right in the hearts of these PEOPLE.  I smiled thinking about watching Kendall and Carson lose it when their "mama," reigning Drag Race winner Bianca took the stage and threw more shade than a mighty oak.  Then I scowled thinking about Phil Robertson's astounding religious based bigotry.  I laughed out loud when I flashed back on Kendall, at 1:15 am, excitedly calling Carson in her dorm to tell her that Alaska had just liked the picture she had posted on Instagram.

And I sit here now, flipping through the pictures on my phone, smiling at a night we will always remember.

I am often taken to task for not imbuing my kids' lives with religion as they grew up.  I am asked if I worry.

In a word?  No.  In many words, why would I worry?  I have injected this world with three amazing human beings who are not hamstrung by theology, not hung up on doctrine, not fearful of differences, not convinced they have all the answers, not beholding to Bronze Age stories, capable of owning their behavior, and walking in the world with open hearts and minds.  They are good people because they know right from wrong, not because they are afraid.

I have children who will never worry that their parents' love is conditional or dictated by a book.  Young people who, as they continue to discover who they are, know their family has their backs.  That we're in.  However their individual lives unfurl, the last thing they need to concern themselves with is our love, support, and commitment.

I have three children, who just like the amazing PEOPLE we watched last night, are dragging this society of ours into the future.  One brave, open heart and two winged eyelashes at a time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A very special thank you to Jinx Monsoon for your amazing, candid, heartfelt words. 

And to Adore for this moment.

 

Sigma Alpha Oopsilon - Teach Your Children Well

As a parent of three daughters in college, I well know the transition involved in depositing them in their new environs and walking away hopeful they will be OK.

OK being defined as:  make solid decisions;  easily differentiate right from wrong;  remember that going along with the crowd is often the easiest way to get in trouble;  and removing themselves from situations that make their gut twitch.

When your child graduates from high school and hits 18, there is usually at least one outburst or proclamation from them involving the words, "Well, I'm 18 now.  I am an adult."

Oftentimes accompanied by the laughable, "You can't tell me what to do anymore."

Here's the thing.  Yes, age 18 means they are no longer hiding in the protected legal environment of the underaged.  They are adults.  And they need to have a hard and fast understanding of what that means before they head out.

That means real penalties, real records, real consequences.

And as for not telling them what to do anymore?  Well, if they are supporting themselves completely, go for it.  But if they are still living off the parental teat, then the parentals have every right to maintain expectations, be involved in choices being made, and keep their fingers on the pulse of activities in which said young adult engages.

Yes, they need space to spread their wings and try out this whole new ability to fly.  They need to experience trust - until said time that they step in it and it gets pulled back to be re-earned.

The news cycles are filled with examples of young adults making some seriously bad decisions and coming face to face with what it really means for the long term.  Rapes.  Theft.  Drug use.  Vandalism.  Mob mentality offenses.

The most recent example hails from the University of Oklahoma.  And those involved are paying a heavy price.

The video of the fraternity brothers (and many sorority sisters) on a party bus this past weekend has gone viral.  The song being sung with great glee promises "There will never be a ni**** SAE. You can hang him from a tree, but he can never sign with me. There will never be a ni**** SAE."

Ahhhh, the old standards handed down from one asshatted generation to the next.

The video was made public, the steps taken were pretty immediate.  The national chapter of Sigma Alpha Epsilon shuttered the fraternity.  The university president stated the affiliation with OU was done, and he has expelled two students identified in the video.

Now, to those crying about free speech - please stop with the Sarah Palin version of that protection.  These students did not lose their freedom of speech.  The government did not act against them, there were no congressionally mandated reprisals.  THAT is what your freedom of speech is about.  Your mouthy ass will not be thrown in jail by the government, you will not disappear to some mysterious Siberia-esque land never to return. 

Your freedom of speech, however, does not protect you from the consequences of your mouth at work, school, or in the public square. 

The expulsions have already entered the debate as to whether the President of OU, which is a state institution, may have overstepped.  The legal scholars will hash that out.

But for now, that is the very expensive lesson these young adults are learning today.  And it is my hope that they will serve as a cautionary tale to both other students and their parents.

Greek life has a reputation.  It just does.  And it is not usually because of favorable stories.  Hazing, deaths from alcohol poisoning, female students being roofied and raped, sororities playing god with strict rules on physical beauty, one 2012 report included sorority hazing in which pledges were pushed into a freezing shower while they recited the Greek alphabet, were force fed pills to make them vomit on one another, and forced them to hold hot hookah coals in their hands.

Now, every university has strict rules against hazing.  But every year, there are multiple reports of pledges who are abused in secret rituals.  So rules don't really matter, until they do.  And that is usually because someone ends up in danger or dead.

Is all Greek life bad?  Of course not.  For many students, finding a campus home inside the system is an honor, a great experience, and sets them up for lifelong friendships, networking, and affiliations.  Many exist as social structures - no house - just fellowship.  Many pride themselves on academics, service to others.

Sadly, those don't make the news.  And they get painted with the very broad brush of stereotypes.

So what's a student and parent to do?

Simple.  Before your 18 year old heads to college, you need to make damned sure you have instilled in them a strong sense of right and wrong.  They need to be firm in their convictions.  They need to understand that ANY decisions they make can have far reaching consequences.

(Example - Carson is a student-athlete (she has signed NCAA compliance paperwork) and is often invited to alcohol parties on campus.  Each and every time she has zero problem looking the friend in the face and saying, "No, I did not work this hard for the past 13 years to lose it all by drinking."  Convictions.  Strength.  Certitude in herself and her choices.  To hell with peer pressure or "expectations."  She clearly understand the risks and follows her gut.)

If Greek life appeals to them, BE INVOLVED.  Help them thoroughly research the available options on their campus.  They need to know where the problems are, where the problems have been.  This is 2015, "the Google" is a very powerful friend.  As they enter Rush, they need to be armed with that background information.  It doesn't just matter if a sorority or fraternity wants them, they need to want the fraternity or sorority.  That's a far cry easier if they actually know what they are wanting.

If they are accepted as a pledge?  First of all, remind them that being Greek does NOT make them any better than anyone who is not Greek.  That notion is utter bullshit.  Then they need to go into the process with a very strong line in the sand as to what is acceptable and what is harmful, humiliating, and/or dangerous .  And they have to be strong enough to walk away.

As a parent, you need to be in touch through every step of that process.  If your student understands you are completely there as a support system, and that you have ZERO vested interest in whether or not they wear Greek letters, they are far more likely to reach out for help when they feel a line is being crossed.

As a parent you need to make certain they understand that belonging to a Greek organization is not necessary to have a complete and fulfilling college experience.  Personally, I am very glad my three daughters were of the, "Um, nooooo thank you" mindset.  They are not joiners to begin with, and they do not need the security or sameness that many students seek in Greek life.

That being said, even if your student does not opt for Greek, you need to be aware that any club, group, team, or organization they join can contain just as much hazing, bullshit, and potential problems.  You have to stay involved. 

The OU students being outed in the media have earned their moment in the klieg lights.  And while every Kardashian generation member seems to want their 15 minutes of fame, I highly doubt this is what they had in mind.

But this is what happens when you are an adult.  Your name - not protected.  Your face?  Well, you put it out there, loud and proud.  And anyone in this generation should know that someone is always recording.

(As for anyone wondering my stance were it one of my daughters?  Foot.  Ass.  Face forward.  Owning up to and accepting responsibility and consequences.  I would not be trying to shield my precious angel from their chosen behavior, or making excuses for them based on their youth.  18 is waaaaay old enough to know right from wrong, especially when it comes to this garbage.)

Which brings me to the young adult who made the video and turned it into the Unheard organization at OU, who in turn provided it to the administration.  Thank you.  Thank you for not singing along, for not going along to get along, for obviously knowing in your gut that this was completely unacceptable.

Thank you for exposing a problem that is still alive and unwell.  I am not just talking about racism and its brother - ignorance - I am talking about the capricious stupidity of youth. 

This is where the rubber meets the road, kids.  This is the real world, where there are real consequences. 

Oh, wait, did I just call you kids?  Sorry, I meant ADULTS.  You are over 18, remember?  Welcome to all the rights, responsibilities, and reprisals that age confers on you.

Pretty great, huh?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Note, Parker Rice, one of the expelled students has come forward this evening with a written apology which includes:

"I am deeply sorry for what I did Saturday night. It was wrong and reckless. I made a horrible mistake by joining into the singing and encouraging others to do the same.  At this point, all I can do is be thoughtful and prayerful about my next steps, but I am also concerned about the fraternity friends still on campus. Apparently, they are feeling unsafe and some have been harassed by others. Hopefully, the university will protect them.  For me, this is a devastating lesson and I am seeking guidance on how I can learn from this and make sure it never happens again. My goal for the long-term is to be a man who has the heart and the courage to reject racism wherever I see or experience it in the future."

Expensive lesson, Parker.  Make it count.

THIS.

Hatred, fear, intolerance, bigotry, shame.  These are all taught, all learned.  And they are all WRONG.

Ask yourself what you cling to, why you cling to it.  What are you afraid of?  Who are you afraid of?  And what do you think will happen if you just let go of what you were taught to believe by your parents, your church, your geography - and just did what actually comes naturally:  LOVE.

Sometimes the best way to get a point across is to just shut up and watch.