That's an absolutely serious question and one I find myself asking more and more frequently with each passing day.
Whether it's a national, stomach churning headline of egregious behavior, or something closer to home directed at my own daughter, I want to know: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOUR TEENAGER???
And frankly, even more important, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU AS A PARENT??
Because let's face it, shitstains don't become shitstains without some pretty poor production at the Charmin factory.
This world is full of people - young and old - who completely abdicate personal responsibility or have no concept of it to begin with; are riddled with jealousy like some human piece of Swiss cheese; treat others badly like it's some sport or artform; and are shocked * SHOCKED, I TELL YOU * when consequences rub up against their awful actions.
Nationally we see repeated stories of bullying both in person and via technology. Those bullies have parents who either have zero clue about how to raise a decent human being, or zero care if they do.
And yes, if you do not stay vigilante about your teen's whereabouts, activities, and tech life, I lump you in that latter category. You cannot exercise zero care and then feign surprise when your cherub is found to actually have horns and a forked tail.
One of the most heinous examples this week comes from down in Florida where one teen lured a 16 year "friend" to a home to watch TV and listen to music. Four more teens, ages 15-19, then appeared from another room and attacked her.
By attack I mean, dragged her by the hair, punched her, kicked her, stripped her down, and videotaped as the 19 year old raped her. Afterwards, they let her leave and she managed to make her way to her grandmother's house. She was taken to the ER. Her injuries included broken facial bones, blood streaming from her ear, bruises, eyes swelled completely shut, and drifting in and out of unconsciousness.
These are TEENAGERS. With no discernable sense of empathy, sympathy. They abused, violated, terrified, and filmed for posterity their unthinkable treatment of a fellow human being.
Strike that.
The accused are NOT human beings. They are not even animals. They are worthless thugs, less than human, not as evolved as animals. They are wastes of oxygen, dangers to the public, and perfect examples of what happens when parents don't do their job.
Because make no mistake, teens like this don't develop in some rare vacuum somewhere. They are the product of their environment, their influences, their exposure to rules, morals, accountability, consequences.
When you beat the shit out of a helpless 16 year old and take glee in filming it? You prove that you have had none of those.
All of these teens should be tried as adults and let the punishment fit the crime.
But, this is the extreme example of parental abdication. Where teens run amok and innocent people pay the price for their personal kicks.
What about what happens every day? Bullying, shit talking, mean girling, jealousy, tech driven abuse? Serious question for everyone: How well do you really know your teenager?
Do you know with absolute certainty that they have the fortitude to withstand peer pressure that leads kids to blindly follow leader and torment another student?
Do you regularly monitor their activities in the virtual world? Do you ask questions? Do you ever have them sign on to their Facebooks, Instagrams, Twitters, Kiks, etc? Do you know if they have Snapchat, one of the leading innovations in time-it-yourself porn selfies, as in "I can set it so this picture of my tits will disappear in three seconds"?
When they start shit talking a peer, do you just let them run with it, or challenge them to back up their rant with facts?
When they rant about a perceived slight, do you challenge them, especially when they are out of line, or do you just let them believe they are right?
When they ask to go to a friend's house on a Friday night or to a party, do you take the step of contacting the parents of the house to verify information and that they will be in attendance?
Does your child get a bad grade and you immediately kneejerk that it must be a teacher failing, not that little Johnny simply didn't care to study? Do you email with your child's teachers regularly?
If you don't, you are failing.
You are choosing the easy road and keeping little Janie liking you over what your job is: To insure her safety, accountability, and admirable treatment of the people with which she has contact.
Is your child on a team, a cheerleading squad and they walk around believing they are better than those on lower teams, on JV instead of V? If so, you are failing.
Do you write off teen behavior with "Oh, they're just going to get drunk anyway" as if you have zero control over that happening? If you do, you are failing.
I have written in the past of the torment other girls caused Culley as a younger girl in school. Jealous that she was pretty, then they found out she was smart, then they found out she was nice, so then the game was on. Because that's what their aggression was, a game, a sport, based on nothing but jealousy and bad upbringing. As a 6th grader she was taking antacids before going to school.
With no assistance from the parents or the school administration, I confronted the hateful little shits at an assembly and put the fear of me in them. Oh, the look of "What the hell is happening?" that washed over their faces. How dare an ADULT call them out on their buillshit and hold them accountable. You could tell it was a completely foreign experience to them.
Carson has experienced the jealous mean girls right down the line in her sport. Year after year after year, wearing a target on her back, placed there not only by players, but even more shameful, by their equally jealous parents. It is happening again. Without going into detail, her work ethic is apparently gasoline on the flame of jealousy of some other players in the club.
And worse, the crappy behavior being directed at her by some girls is being supported by the crappy parents of those girls.
It is shameful, quite frankly. It teaches those girls nothing, and worse, it feeds their sense of entitlement and belief that they are right.
I have news for them: WORKING HARDER, WORKING MORE, BEING FOCUSED AND DRIVEN IS WHAT YOU SEE THAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. AND NO, THERE IS NOT SOME STORE IN THE MALL WHERE YOU CAN BUY CLASS, PERSEVERANCE, AND YEARS OF HARD WORK.
Parents, if you are not teaching your children that there is nothing good about making someone else feel bad, you are failing. If you go through your days believing that your sweet angel would never hurt another person, and you do nothing to insure that they don't, you are failing. If your child is accused of bad behavior and your only response is to believe their version, jump between them and the consequences instead of getting to the bottom, and blame others? You are failing.
I have news for you. Your child is capable of lying right to your face. Your child is capable of having more faces than Eve. One in the classroom, one in the hallways. One to get what they want, another to exploit their freedom and privileges.
My daughters have been pretty great, on the whole. But they have not been perfect. They have been caught in lies, they have been caught covering things up, but one thing they have never been accused of is mistreating another human being.
Why?
Because this mother made it clear from day #1 that there is nothing good about making someone else feel bad. That their lifestyle is a privilege, not a right. That their nice clothes are not an indictment of a peer's clothing or house or car. That if they chose to ever mean girl anyone over things like that, I would introduce them to a simple life not seen since Half Pint wandered the prairie with Pa.
The result? They are all champions of the underdogs. They may take the shit directed at them, but they will defend those whose fortitude may not be as strong. Their friends look like a Benetton ad - all shapes, sizes, colors, creeds.
As a parent, with our last child ready to move out into this world, I am confident that I have done well with them. They are not mean, they are thoughtful. They do not consider themselves above, but beside. They are compassionate, not uncaring. They consider potential consequences before taking actions. And they are kind. Even when others are irrational and wrong, they hold their heads up and keep going.
So again, as I read the news and feel my stomach turn, and at home watch one of mine suffer more slings and arrows, I just have to ask: What the hell is wrong with your teenager?
First step? Look in the mirror.
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