Sticks & Stones May Break My Bones, But Bullying Will Kill Me

It's happening far too often these days.  Children and teens becoming the victims of a vicious "sport" - virtual bullying.

With access to social platforms far beyond the normal parent's purview (trust me, your kids have profiles on sites far more obvious that Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook), the schoolyard bully of days past is now stealthy, sneaky, and capable of cruelty most adults cannot imagine.

(Yes, bullies are STILL cowards, but given the cloak of anonymity provided by the internet, they are far more aggressive and persistent.)

Two stories in the past week have garnered national attention - one here in Texas, another in Florida.

In Plano, Texas, a beautiful young lady, who happens to also be a special needs student (difficult birth that led to lack of oxygen and brain damage)  has become the target of a group of shitstains who torment her regularly via social platforms.

Shea Shawhan is 18, but has the mental capacity of an 8 year old.  She also suffers seizures, a lifelong side effect of the birth difficulties.  Despite her challenges, she is a cheerleader at Plano West Senior High School and is loved by many.

But not all.

For 8 very long months she has been receiving horrible text messages threatening rape, making fun of her disabilities, calling her ugly, and urging her to kill herself.  Here is just a sampling:

Nice, huh?

Here's another:  ‘Shea is so annoying but cute I want to do more than just kiss her I want to rape her then kill her. That will finally make sure she goes away for good.’

Her mother has involved the police because changing Shea's phone number has not stopped the texts.  The problem is, the group of cowards are a tad tech savvy and avail themselves of programs that allow you to text from fake phone numbers.

Yes, Shea supporters are many in her school, but the ones behind this are in the hallways, lunchroom, classrooms.  Her mother is so concerned that she has begun eating lunch at the school with her daughter.

What is stunning to me is that anyone thinks this is funny, sport, a way to pass the time.  And I can promise you that were I to find that my daughter were among the miscreants?  Well, you can bet your ass the only thing she'd ever be typing text on again is a typewriter.

But Shea is still alive.  Many other teens have not withstood the emotional damage of tormenting peers.  Young kids routinely show up in the news after they have hanged themselves, slit their wrists, jumped off bridges wanting only to end the emotional nightmare in which they are caught.

To an adult, safely out of the noxious environment schools breed, it may seem ridiculous that a child would kill themselves over bullying.  But think a little harder.

Middle school and high school (especially) are the WORST years growing up.  And don't bother to give me a glowing report of some bullshit halcyon years you spent in Rose Colored Glasses High. They didn't exist.  At least not for everyone.  People are always suffering in school.  Maybe you were lucky to be oblivious, not targeted, not isolated.  Maybe you did the isolating, the targeting (and I hope you feel like shit in your later years).

But what we dealt with is ratcheted up beyond our comprehension by the tools at the disposal of young people today.  A whisper and a laugh in the hallways of our youth is now a complete webpage dedicated to www.<insertname>sucksdick.com.

In Florida, a 12 year old girl is being mourned by family after she jumped to her death, unable to endure the bullying of two former friends, one 14, one also 12.

Her crime?  She once dated the boy the 14 year old is now dating.  (And no, we don't need to go down a tangential road about dating at that age - it doesn't bring her back to life.)

On September 9th, Rebecca Sedwick climbed a tower at an abandoned cement plant and jumped to her death.  Authorities believe as many as 15 girls were involved in the bullying but these are the two pieces of shit who have risen like curdled cream in this rancid coffee.

I applaud the tenacity of the sheriff in pursuing charges AND in making their faces known to the public.  I care not one ounce that they are minors, what they did had major ramifications.

Police acted after the 14 year old, Guadelupe Shaw posted this precious missive on Facebook: "Yes ik I bullied REBECCA nd she killed her self but IDGAF"

I don't give a fuck.

Hmm, funny, Guadalupe, that's exactly how I feel about what now happens to you.  Public shame, ridicule, a record, punishment.  You earned whatever is coming your way.

The police have online proof of the bullying, and also sad accounts of it including them having beaten her up, and urging her to "drink bleach and die."

Of course, when their parents were confronted with FACTS, this is what was offered by Guadalupe's father, "My daughter's a good girl and I'm 100 percent sure that whatever they're saying about my daughter is not true."

Except it is, Mr, Shaw.  And your refusal to hold your child accountable in any way only proves that the shit doesn't fall far from the asshole.

Why were these girls still allowed access to technology?  Don't answer, rhetorical question.  It is obvious, that like far too many parents in this world, the ones in this story do not monitor their child's activity, contacts, texts, postings, ramblings, behavior.  Hell, even good parents don't.  Instead they want to believe their child could NEVER get up to no good, never get themselves in trouble.

Ask my daughters.  Technology is a privilege.  Abuse it and I can cut that cord with one check mark on Sprint.  That iPhone wil become a paperweight.  Those laptops?  I bought them.

Just this past week Carson and I discussed a new platform she uses for communicating with two friends who live on the west coast.  I was not aware of it.  Want to know how I became aware of it?  I take her phone on a regular basis and check it.  No warning, no hiding.  Just. "Hey, put in your passcode and give me your phone."  (Note to parents:  I learned from a friend about fake icons that look innoculous - like Calculator, etc, but hide files from parents - so open everything.  No, my daughters have never tried that route - partly because I know about it, but mostly because they know I am goddamned deadly serious about altering their life should they eff up.)

My daughters are great kids/young adults - always have been.  But they are also YOUNG.  Their intent may not be dangerous, but it is still possible to stray into that territory.

Bullying has existed for as long as we have existed.  But it doesn't matter if YOU survived it, that doesn't mean your child will.  That doesn't mean if you never bullied that your child never will.

Parents have to be vigilant.  You have to be willing to get involved to the extent you piss off your precious angel.  You have to be willing to step in and confront situations.  And you have to be willing to bring down the hammer if you find your child is stepping over the technological line and endangering themselves or someone else. 

If you threaten to take the phone - TAKE IT.  For an EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME.  CUT. THEM. OFF. EVERYTHING.  (Believe me, if you take the iphone, they will run to their old iTouch with wifi access, to a friend's phone, computer.  CHECK.  And when they pop up posting, extend and increase the punishment until they get the message that you are serious.)

Trust me, they'll get over it.  And when they cross that line into adulthood, they WILL look back and thank you.

Sheas do not need to happen, and Rebeccas should NEVER happen.  Sadly, until all parents step up, we will continue to bury our young.  Sticks and stone are no longer our problem - bits and bytes and parental laziness are.

Comments

[Kerry]

Something else to consider, and another reason to check your children's accounts, phones, emails, etc. Maybe your child is the bully, but maybe they are the bull-EE too. It's for darn sure that if your child is doing something wrong, they're not telling you, but it's also very likely that if your child is the victim, they could be hiding it from you. Hopefully as a parent you would notice a marked change in behavior, but again, maybe not always.

I don't know what happened in the case of the little girl in FL. Whether her parents knew this was going on or not - luckily the TX gals parents did. And I am NOT blaming the FL girls parents. But I am sure there are some circumstances where the parents don't know what is happening, and could be helping their child who is being victiimzed in some way - be it bullies, sexual pressure from a date, issues with drugs, predators, etc. Or your child may not be the actor or the target or involved directly, but they may know something that would help some other child. Rarely is bullying an act of solitude - it craves an audience, and the same goes when the sexts and raunchy photos and rape-crew videos get disseminated to the entire football team or school. There could be 100's of kids with knowledge, even if just as bystanders.

Everyone needs to keep an eye on what their child is doing. Because for every child sending a threat, a text, an email, etc., there's another one on the end receiving it.

[Theresa from Virginia]

I, like so many, was bullied in school over the years - thankfully I got over it. I don't know what made me or any of us who survived those years strong enough to endure, but thankfully the terrible outcomes are few. But for those few and their loved ones, it's an outrage, a pain that nobody should endure.

Unfortunately, a lot of parents teach their children to feel entitled, to be better than everyone else, that it's okay to look down on others. The behavior that leads to the bullying starts at home, is encouraged at home, and if law enforcement would start holding these ridiculous parents responsible in some way for the behavior of their children, it would perhaps deter some of the behavior.

Frankly, I just don't get it. Never will.

[Joanne]

I hope to hell those two morons who got arrested get fried for their behavior. I find it appalling that the parents are trying to claim the facebook was hacked and their lil angels would never ever behave badly. I applaud the sheriff for outing them. And I hope they learn something from it. High hopes I know. But they need to learn; actions have consequences.

[Chicky]

Junior High was horrible for me too - I was a skinny kid with dirty hair (I don't know why my hair always seemed dirty, but it seems that was why the bully guy always picked on me...don't remember his name)...Anyway, I blossomed in High School - I got boobs, I filled out a little, my hair was curly and shiny every day, and I liked myself (hard thing for a teenager to admit)...That boy who was always mean to me became the popular boy in high school - he was a football player and all the kids looked up to him - so, being popular as well, he of course asked me out - in front of a bunch of his friends in the commons at school...I looked at him and said, "No Thanks", and walked away. From then on, I became the hero of my school...

This never happened - I was an outcast and I dreamt of this all the time - but sadly, for me, I didn't actually blossom until after high school, so the boys and girls who were shitty to me never found out. I passed on all the reunions - My 40th reunion is coming up in 2018 - who knows, I might just have to show up just to see if the popular boy got fat and bald, and the mean girls got fat and old...

[Nikki in NYC]

I was unhappy in junior high and high school too. There was always two or three girls who really made me miserable. It doesn't take much. Be a little chunky, wear braces, don't think like them (as if they ever have a worthwhile thought in their heads!) I can only imagine how much more horrible it is today. For boys too. I worry about my nephew who will be leaving the cocoon of his elementary school for middle school next year. He is a sensitive kid and I worry he will be a target.

[Sue, Sacramento]

I too went thru hell in Jr. High. From the moment I got to the bust stop all the way to school. Until one day I got one of the little bastards in the back seat of the bus & beat the crap out of him. Yes, the bus driver was on the bus...but I'm sure he knew my reaction was justified because he made no move to intervene. That was 45 years ago & I still remember the bus driver's name..he passed away a few weeks ago & I teared up reading the obit in the paper.

I am so thankful that my boys got thru high school before texting, Facebook and all of the other technological ways to torment someone was around. We did have the internet tho...and there were no passwords allowed & the rule was there had better be history when I went to check to see what they had been accessing!!!!

[Shawn in So CA]

Reading these horrific tales of bullying gone crazy thanks the the internet takes me back down nightmare memory lane. I do NOT look at my junior high/senior high years with fondness. I was isolated. People picked on me for what reason I never fully understood but I did not fit in. I tried to believe me but even those I thought I would maybe have something in common with treated me like crap. Boys would jokingly ask me to the upcoming dance in front of others in the class to get a laugh out of my answer (guess they thought I was gullible too as I knew they were only asking to get me to look stupid and laugh at me). I threw my junior high yearbooks away a few years back as they only made me upset and angry. Some boys got hold of them when I had given my yearbooks to others to sign who I thought were at least not my enemy...and they wrote mean nasty comments without of course signing their name.

I wish at times my step-dad had never gotten a new job back in Washington state as the 1 year we lived in Vicksburg MS when I was in 5th grade was the best year ever in school for me. I was one the the "in" group of kids...I was a cheerleader for the pop warner team from my grade school (yes there was a team for the boys in my grade school..the south takes sports seriously). I played on the girls soccer team and we went to the state playoffs and to the regional tournament in Memphis TN. Then we moved to Washington and I never fit in at the first school while living with my mom and step-dad. I was miserable so I requested to go live with my dad...and at first things were great. Got invited to a slumber party by another girl in my class and it was fun. I made two good friends and then over the summer one year...those friends stopped being my friend...just like that.

I have only gone to ONE reunion (my 10 year) and only because I wanted to show them I WAS worthwhile and I could find a partner who loved me. So I took my then BF (now husband) because of the wounds and baggage I carried from school. I have no desire to go to another one. Those people were not nice and maybe they are now...but the wounds caused by that time still haunt me.

I cannot imagine if the kids I went to school and treated me like dirt had access to something like Facebook, Twitter etc....what hell I would have been living.

[Diane]

As usual, well said Linda! You hit the nail on the head...again!