Don't Get Me Started with Linda Sharp

Bone To Be Wild?

We are all familiar with those Viagra and Cialis ads which supply the requisite warning about erections lasting longer than 4 hours.

If the wind refuses to leave your sails, you must head to the emergency room to have a physician lower your boom, as it were.

Of course, we all think it is funny.  A woody is persistent enough on its own without the added assistance of medication requiring an embarrassing run to the ER.

But the truth is, it can be painful and dangerous.  And that ER doctor is not exactly going to dance around your pole in order to alleviate the problem.  Treatment of priapism involves needles, drainage, and sometimes surgery.

Not exactly how you'd like your morning glory pruned now, huh?

But men don't care.  In fact, the demand for these drugs is so great, that the competition between pharmaceutical companies is, well, stiff.  Long gone are the days when it was used by older gentlemen who had trouble engaging their warp drive.  College students, yes, young gents who chub up when a gust of wind hits their Levis, are now in regular possession of the pills.

Perhaps though, they should save their tuition and beer money and invest in a motorcycle.

Just ask Henry Wolf.  Henry passed the four hour mark roughly 20 months ago.

Yeah.  20 months.  That's more wood than Home Depot lumber yard.

He has "pitched a tent" at a lawyer's and is suing BMW North America and the manufacturer of the seat on his motorcycle for giving him the "gift" that has kept on giving.

He claims that after a four hour ride on his 1993 BMW bike and its "ridge-like" seat, he became a human unicorn.

Of course, like any good lawsuit, in addition to lost wages, medical expenses, and "general damage," he is suing for emotional distress.   Apparently, having permanently throbbing gristle means he "now is unable to engage in sexual activity, which is causing him substantial emotional and mental anguish."

I know, I know - I shouldn't laugh .... but .... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

No word on if the attorney took his case pro boner.

I Must Be Tired....

....because this still has me giggling.

His Bark Is Definitely Now Worse Than His Bite

No one likes a trip to the dentist.  The drills, the noises, the needles, the poking, the prodding, the guaranteed admonishment about your flossing technique.

In an unscientific poll, conducted inside my head, 10/10 people look forward to having a rectal exam or their bunions scraped (even having the bunions on their rectum scraped)over opening wide for the dentist.

I take that back.  There is one exception to that rule.

A person in pain will beg their way into a dentist's office, only because they have avoided said dentist for so long that a small issue - say, a cavity - has been given permission to flourish into an infected root turning your head into what you are certain LOOKS like a cartoon head - big, throbbing, pulsing for all to see.

Yes, under those circumstances, a dental averse person will embrace, kiss the feet of, and offer their firstborn to, the caregiver who will JUST MAKE IT STOP.

Another thing we human beings try our best to avoid is "the break-up."

Whether you are the break uper, or the break upee, it's uncomfortable, makes you squirm, hurt, sometimes cry. 

Gee, kind of like the dentist.  (or having your rectal bunions scraped)

People don't like change and when it is foisted upon us, we tend to respond badly.

Which brings us to the Perfect Storm  where these two topics collide.

Anna Mackowiak, 34, is a dentist in Poland.  She is also a woman scorned.  You see, her longtime boyfriend, Marek Olszewski, 45, broke up with her - leaving her for another woman.

Anna was upset, as is anyone who does not initiate the break up.  However, instead of holding her head high, moving forward, and dealing with the pain, she chose instead to be doling out the pain.

Marek had a toothache several days after jettisoning Anna for a new love.  Mistakenly believing that bygones could, in fact, be bygones - or the very least - professionals could act professionally - he went to Anna for treatment.

In the chair, he opened his mouth, was heavily sedated by Anna, and woke up to...

NO TEETH.

Yes, that's right.  Doctor I-Cannot-Define-Transcend, took one look at him in the chair and said to herself, "What a bastard."

When he awoke, Marek said he felt like something was wrong, but she assured him it was simply because he was so numb.  Plus, she had wrapped his jaw and head in bandages (and told him he would probably need to see a specialist).

It was not until he got home that he discovered, well, we'll let Marek take it from here...

"'But when I got home I looked in the mirror and couldn’t fucking believe it. The bitch had emptied my mouth."

To add insult to injury, Marek's new love left him, saying she could not date a man with no teeth.

May I pause for a moment and just ask, WTF IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE????

Look, I get  it, being dumped is a knee in the gut.  It plays kick the can with your heart, wreaks havoc on your self esteem, and leaves you facing an emptiness which feels endless.

But if someone has declared they no longer want you?  MOVE ON.  Revenge fantasies are fine - it's how we flawed beings process strong emotions - as long as they stay fantasies.  But investing actual time and energy into taking steps to exact that revenge? 

Well, you certainly aren't going to win someone back by pouring acid on their car, icepicking their tires, bleaching all their clothes, or ripping out all their teeth.  Carrie Underwood's song Before He Cheats is a cute anthem to the wronged woman, but it is also completely illegal and immature.

In fact, if you accept being dumped, process it, and reinvest in YOU, you are soon going to realize how much lighter you feel for having rid yourself of 200 pounds of bullshit.  Living well is the best revenge.

Anna won't have the chance to discover that, at least not for a while.  She faces medical malpractice charges and up to 3 years in prison.

Poor Marek faces the prospect of expensive dental replacements, lonely nights, and lots and lots of mashed potatos.

I suppose though,  if I have to bright side this, I guess it's good he didn't have rectal bunions and that Anna's not a proctologist.  God knows what he would have woke up missing...

It's Jack's Day!

Parking Dispute Gets Teste

Life is not easy.  Money is tight, time is always at a premium, we stress, we fret, we worry, we constantly feel like we have buckshot running through our veins, and that all it will take is one wrong word from the wrong person for us to shoot our mouths off.

We see people fistfight over video games at Christmas; get into brawls on the sidelines of kids' sporting events; literally take to the streets for rumbles over Facebook postings; and shank one another in darkened movie theaters over perceived volume slights.

To paraphrase the old movie, It's A Sad, Sad, Sad World.

While none of the above described behavior is forgiveable - it's not - this one takes the cake in terms of over reaching.

Literally.

A 41 year old woman in China rolled into town to pick up her child from school.  She  attempted to park her scooter in an empty space in front of a store.  Seemingly no big deal, right?

Well, it is in a place where parking space - even the minimal amount required for a scooter - is at a premium.

The shopkeeper told her NO and told her to move her scooter.

OK, I get it.  We have signs outside stores all over this country stating "This Space Reserved For Patrons Of XYZ."  She was not shopping, so he didn't want space for a potential customer taken away.

Instead of gracefully scootering down the road, the woman got into a fight with the man.  She then called her husband and brother for backup.  They proceeded to pummel the man. 

That would be bad enough, but the woman was not to be bested by the men in her life. 

No, she reached out with her Kung Foo grip (all pun intended) and grabbed the man by his "grocery bag."

That takes balls.  Literally.

She then squeezed like they were made out of Charmin and Mr. Whipple was on vacation.  The man eventually blacked out and collapsed to the ground.

He was taken to the local hospital where HE DIED.

Look, I have long instructed my daughters to take aim and play Hacky Sack with a man's beanbag should they feel threatened, but there is a difference between self defense and batshit crazy.

Again, the world is a stressful place, it just is.  But can't we all practice a little more patience, take a deep breath, think twice and act once,  before we reach out and savage someone's whisker biscuits over a parking spot?

Can't we all just get a dong along? 

Jacquie's Another Year Better Today!

It's Tom's Day!

The POTUS With The Mostest

With two college students, we have a very vested interest...

 

Jean Pool

Being a woman has never been easy.

Historically we come from times where we were treated as less, marginalized, shunted into the kitchens, had expectations of domesticity foisted upon us.   We were viewed as lesser intellectually, seen as emotionally fragile, dependent, an afterthought. (Sadly, that is still the case for millions of women in many parts of the world.)

In the 1800s labels were attached to us - frigid, hysterical, neurotic.  (All pathetic cover up codes bequeathed by the very men who could NEVER connect the dots between their own inadequacies and self absorbed sexual practices in the bedroom and how their wives suffered felt under the weight - literal and figurative - of them and their callous disregard.)

A trip to the doctor would often net a woman an unwanted assault by a physician whose expertise and scope reached only so far as manually attempting to give the woman an orgasm - because as we all know, one good orgasm fixes everything.

Insert eye roll.

Shit.  Rolled too hard.  Can someone grab my left optical ball?  It jumped clear out of my head.  See it in the corner over there?

Yes, progress has been made through the decades - hard fought victories which allowed us the right to vote, brought us closer to equal pay, helped us begin to crack the glass ceiling in various industries, gave us control over our bodies. 

Yet despite the strides forward, there are those - many of those - who still view us as lesser, as chattel, as put here to put out, spit out (life), and stay out of the workforce.

We scoff at prejudices like those when we read of violence against women in Middle Eastern countries.  Our stomachs quake when young girls are subject to acid attacks, rapes, murder.  We pass judgement at females being made to hide under burqas, while men are free to molest them, pursue them, attack them with little to no repercussions.

Yet we are unable to turn the mirror on ourselves, to see how we are allowing our lawmakers and leaders to pull us down that same path.  A path back to another century.  A path that takes us to a place where our bodies are not our own, where we have no say in our reproductive destinies, where men make the rules and we are helpless to do anything but lay there and wait for it to be over.

With each absurd, offensive bill introduced from state to state which seeks to strip a female of her rights, of sovereignty over her own body, we are further marginalized, and the message comes across loud and clear:  WOMEN ARE LESSER.

That very thought brings me to today.  You may not be aware that April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. 

And if you are not aware of that, I doubt you've even heard of what today is.

Today is Denim Day. 

No, that doesn't mean 501s are on sale.  And it isn't some Casual Wednesday at the office.

Denim Day came about in response to a 1998 decision in which the Italian Supreme Court overruled a rape conviction because the victim had been wearing tight jeans. 

Let that sink in.

In their ruling they stated, “it is a fact of common experience that it is nearly impossible to slip off tight jeans even partly without the active collaboration of the person who is wearing them.”

So, not only was the victim obviously asking for it by wearing something body hugging, she must have been complicit in her own attack because surely the pants could not have been removed without her agreement and help.

It is as offensive a ruling as those in the Middle East where a woman is raped and then jailed for being raped.

Rape is an act of violence.  It is an act of power, aggression, dominance.  It is not some big screen love scene where the female coyily plays hard to get and the music crescendos as they ultimately climax together.

Rape. Is. Not. Consensual.  No matter how tight the pants, short the skirt, or how much cleavage is exposed.

And every time that is even intimated, it is an affront to all women.   

We stand at a time where our rights as women are being assaulted daily.  Where men are making decisions, proclamations, LAWS stripping us of that which is OURS - ownership of our bodies, our choices, our futures.  A time in which we are being demeaned, viewed again as lesser, as objects - not equals.

Denim Day speaks to the heart of that.  Whether the assault is physical or political, it is unconscionable.

Wear your Denim today to show your support for those who have been victimized, those who will sadly fall victim and face a callous, unbelieving judicial system, and for every woman on Earth who lives with the daily fear of violence.

Being a woman is not a curse, not a life sentence to silence, not something relegating us to live in the shadows of oppression, disdain, or neglect.

Join me in the Jean Pool - the tighter the better.

Let's Celebrate Candie!