Til Death (of Trust) Do Us Part

Cheating.  It's an ugly word with even uglier real world implications behind it.

We learn from a very young age that cheating is wrong.  Math tests, Monopoly, card games, even cutting in line.  If taught properly - with immediate consequences for our less-than-stellar actions - we tend to cheat less and less, and begin to value what we see being chipped away at with each subsequent stab at shortcutting:  our trustworthiness in the eyes of others.

If taught properly, we grow up less likely to cheat on real world things that have serious, long lasting real world implications:  drug tests, our taxes, relationships.

Yet sadly, it's that last one where so many people still choose to roll the dice - gambling that they are James Bond enough to keep their bad behavior off the radar; choosing to play with fire, convinced by their seriously stoked super egos that they will never get burned, much less burn down the people around them; so sure that because it feels good and their partner doesn't know, that no one is getting hurt, that it's OK to continue to indulge.

They are very seldom successful.

Whether an affair takes place in a marriage, or simply in a one-on-one relationship - the same component is the victim: TRUST.

Followed in short order by love.

HuffPo ran an article last week in which the writer expressed almost tacit support for affairs.  Making it out to be a good thing, perhaps the best thing that could happen to a marriage.

The writer is full of shit.

As full of shit as are the cheaters who float blithely along the rivers of deception, or hike the Appalachian Trail.

Cheating is the ultimate violation in a relationship.  It strikes at the fundamental core of what holds two people together - TRUST and LOVE.

Trust that the person you are with will care for your heart above all other considerations, temptations.  And love - that the feelings they have for you are FOR YOU, not something they compartmentalize, rationalize while making out with a third party.

Look, I get that many marriages and relationships succumb to boredom, begin to wither from neglect, stay together merely out of inertia.  

That still doesn't make it right to cheat.

Cheating is the ultimate form of cowardice.  And the rationalizing a cheater does is pathetic - THEY are pathetic.  If no one is getting hurt then why are you sneaking around?  If it's a good thing, then why must it be conducted under cover of darkness, on prepaid cell phones, out of sight of your spouse, significant other?  

If it's ok, then it should be something you talk about over dinner.  "Boy, Jeannie, you should see the ass on the lady I'm banging these days.  Whoa."  "That's wonderful, Howard, you should invite her over for tea."

But it's NOT ok, which is why cheaters go out of their way to manipulate, deceive, LIE, cover, and spin.  They know there is a severe consequence for their actions, yet most will choose the action over the abstract threat of the consequence.

And then when they get caught - they are SHOCKED!  Shocked, I tell you!  Oh, and then they are sorry, so, so, so very sorry.

Yeah.  SORRY.  THEY.  GOT.  CAUGHT.

Because had they not been caught, they would still be banging that fine lady's ass, or rolling in the deep with Howard.

I love the ones who immediately begin to throw up every reason in the book to somehow justify their behavior.  Like something will make it less bad that they are a selfish, spineless, self absorbed prick. (Or prickess, for you ladies who cheat.)  The bottom line is simple:  You cheat because you want to cheat, because you'd rather indulge yourself than protect someone else.  You cheat to stroke your ego, caring not that you are killing someone's heart.  It's no more glamorous than that - you cheat because YOU WANT TO CHEAT.

And if you are among the "monogamy is not natural" crowd?  Fine.  Good for you!  I couldn't care less how many bodies you bang.  Just don't drag someone else through your charade of prince or princess for a day, have a big party wedding, then commit the first crime of opportunity who struts by.

Fidelity is not hard.  If your committment means anything to you, it is not even a consideration, much less some trap you feel caught in.  Fidelity is a promise - it's what you stand at an alter and give to your soon to be Mr. or Mrs.  It's the "contract" drawn up between two people who have been dating, but decide to stop dating around.

It's the offer of safe haven to another's heart, and the acceptance of that heart into your own.

Now, if your marriage or relationship has soured, hit the skids, devolved?  Does that make it OK to stray?

In a word:  NO.

In many words:  Of course it doesn't make it OK for you to go out and find someone who will buy your "My husband/wife just doesn't understand me." bullshit.

If it is that bad - look that person in the eye, open your mouth, and either commit to working on the problem, or say you want out.

Yes, that involves stoning up, doing the hard thing (that affair is the pathetically easy thing), and actively hurting the other person - but it also strips away the cowardice, and in the end, the person who is left will respect you for the honesty.

But again, people who cheat are far from honest individuals.  They are cowards, they are juvenile, they are self indulgent prima donnas, and they are THOUGHTLESS.

They casually discard the person they made their promise to, caring not about the pain sure to come, the destruction of the life they have built together.  No, they'd rather indulge in the feel-good moment, the covert ops, the excitement of sneaking around and then coming home and looking that person in the eye, LYING TO THEIR FACE, and getting away with it.

It's all very exciting.  Until they get caught and their house of cards comes tumbling down around them.  

Do you stay with a person who has cheated on you?  As far as I am concerned, no.  That is my choice, one I have employed in my own past life.  It has to do with TRUST.  And once that is broken, casually dismissed, neglected and marginalized by another person, they don't get a second chance.  Because when someone cheats, they have shown their character cards to me.  And the message is clear:  THEY. HAVE. NONE.

An affair could be the best thing to happen to a marriage.

I think not.  In fact, that writer needs to look around.  With a divorce rate over 50%?  I'd hardly call an affair a shot in the arm.

It's more of a bazooka straight into the heart.

Comments

[audreyf]

If my husband EVER cheats, (not that I think he ever would) I hope she has money, because when I'm done, he won't have a pot to piss in, nor a window to throw it out of.period. I absolutely could NOT stay in it--I'm just not that person.

[Carri in Michigan]

My first husband was a cheater. He left me for a girlfriend, he left her for the woman who would become his 2nd wife, left her for the woman who would become his 3rd wife, left her for a girlfriend and then recently left her for another woman who happens to be his 2nd wife. He has never been alone and at 46 I will be surprised if he ever will be. His escapades keep me from a trusting relationship for 7+ years until I met the man of my dreams. It took me 5 years to trust him with my heart enough to marry him. And I know in my heart that his love for me is real and true and always there. (That and he's 100x better looking than the cheater ;p)

[Deanna]

Boy I wish I could sent this to my ex-boyfriend. Jackass.

[SK]

I have a close personal friend who found out her husband had been cheating on her for three years. I say 'had' because he no longer is (he says). My friend was devastated but he begged forgiveness, blah, blah, blah. They had younger kids (early teen & pre-teen) and she stayed for the sake of the kids. She thought she could get past it but finds she cannot do so. She hates him now and can't stand to even look at him and says the day her kids finish high school she's out of there. Personally I believe it would be better for her to have left earlier as she is miserable every single day but goes through life with a smile plastered on her face outside of her house.

[Linda Sharp to Tommy]

"If you can't be monogamous, don't get involved with someone with the understanding that the relationship will be monogamous. It's as simple as that."

Tommy - it IS as simple as that. Perfectly stated.

[Tommy Marx]

I have one rule when it comes to cheating. If you're gonna cheat on me, please say goodbye first for your own protection. Because if I find out, not only will you never be coming back into my life, but I will set everything you own on fire faster than Angela Bassett can light a match. That is one thing I will not tolerate and I don't think anyone, man or woman, should tolerate. If you can't be monogamous, don't get involved with someone with the understanding that the relationship will be monogamous. It's as simple as that.

[Tracy in Cincy]

I agree it is the Trust that dies. My ex had his brother ask me after we had been split up about a year if I would ever take him back. I told him no, because I would never be able to truely trust him again, and that was the truth.
As it is, I know he is cheating on his current wife, and pretty sure she is doing the same. They were meant for each other. My daughter calls her the husband stealing bitch to this day, and it has been 15 years. I say she did me a favor.
The one good thing that came out of the entire fiasco was that neither of my daughters will put up with any mans crap. They don't give second chances. If a guy screws up, they are history, no ifs, ands or buts about it.

[l.a.h.]

So much to say... and so few words that haven't already been said.

I saw that HuffPo article, and sputtered and fumed. An affair can "breathe new life" into a marriage like a hurricane can "breathe new life" into a home that is now standing roofless and in tatters. It's complete and utter bullshit.

I am standing in that decimated house now. To search for the foundation beneath the rubble and see if there's enough there to rebuild... or to simply pack up what remains and go.

[Bobbsey]

It is the wall of Trust that is torn down here. And when that goes in a relationship it is almost impossible to resurrect that wall. If a friend held onto that information, I could not in good conscience keep that friend as well.

Chicky, you were going to lose that friend anyway. Better to lose her the way you did, with your dignity intact.IMHO

[Dorothy R]

I agree Katy, would absolutly want to know and would have serious trust issues with my "friend" if I found out that they knew and didn't tell.

[Katy]

a friend of mine from high school's wife was cheating on him, I guess for many years. The wife had confided in a mutual friend of both of them, about the affair. When my friend found out later about the affair, AND the fact that a mutual friend had known and said nothing, he "unfriended" her as well. Not defending the friend, but it's a tough place to be in. Do you tell like Chicky did and lose a friend or not tell, and still lose a friend? For me personally, I would want someone to tell me, and i would consider them the BEST FRIEND I ever had for doing so.

[Shawn]

Not sure how someone can say "cheating" is good for a relationship. Certainly isn't something we were taught to advocate in my Masters program.

[Chicky (Kathy)]

I lost a friend once for telling her that her boyfriend was cheating on her. Her boyfriend would NEVER do that to her - so she shot the messenger. I then found out that he was cheating on his wife when he met her...I told her that if he cheated on his wife, he will cheat on you too, she didn't believe me, dumped me as a friend, married the guy, then caught him cheating - once a cheater, always a cheater - they never change - no excuse.

[Linda to Tracy]

Yep - funny how the blush goes off the rose really quickly when the deceitful pair get exposed. It's suddenly not so fun anymore when you remove the covert ops piece of the pie.

[Tracy in Cincy]

Linda, I wish I would have had this to just print out and hand to my ex when I caught him cheating with the babysitter. You are 100% right, they don't think they are doing anything wrong, and don't take into consideration who will be hurt in the long run. In my case, it was my girls. To this day my oldest daughter has not forgiven her dad for what he did, for tearing our family apart because he felt the need to look like the BMOC and have a young girlfriend.
He ended up marrying the "other woman" and is now miserable. Karma sucks sometimes, huh?

[Chicky (Kathy)]

I love when something pisses you off enough to counter it with rational thought rather than the rationalization the writer seems to be using. I missed this article, but that's okay, I agreed with you from the first word, "CHEATING", I don't need to read the article to know that I agree with you. VERY well said Linda.