Don't Get Me Started with Linda Sharp

Fear Definitely Wasn't A Factor

What would you do for a Klondike bar?

So goes the cute commercial jingle intimating that the little square of chocolate covered ice cream is worth sacrificing your dignity, degrading yourself in some way, and possibly trampling others in the process.

Kind of like Fear Factor, only with dairy treats taking the place of cash in the cold, hard stakes.

Personally, in my pre-vegan days - I imagine all I would do for a Klondike Bar was drive to the store and drop $5.

And as for Fear Factor?  Sorry, $50k would never be enough to make me slurp horse rectum.  (I honestly don't think there is a price tag on that.)

But people are people, meaning different strokes for different folks.  My fellow humans scarf down live bugs to win contests, gutbomb whole hot dog carts to win trophies and bragging rights, and generally stretch the limits of personal creativity in order to gain the edge in whatever competition has caught their attention.

Which brings me to today's winner of the This Person Shares Our Oxygen Supply trophy:  Andreas Muller of Germany.

Andreas's creativity went into overdrive when he heard on the radio that they would be giving away a Mini Cooper for the "craziest ... most idiotic stunt."

Forget lame offerings like painting his house purple or getting a Mini Cooper shaved into his hair.  That is so 90s.

No, Andreas decided to go big, or go home ... go balls to the walls ... sack up ... he wasn't jerking around.

Yes, Andreas had the word MINI tattooed on his penis.  Look, I'm not a guy, but were I, I don't think I would do this - WOOD you?

I don't know who I feel sorrier for - him or the guy having to do the "honors."

He won and stated, “Once I’m sitting in the car, it won’t matter anymore. Then the pain will be gone and it’ll be alright.”

My guess is, judging by the wrist brace, that hand will have ample to to heal. Ahem.

Another IRL!

Matala (Natala + Matt) met up with Debbie and Martha (Dartha?  Mebbie?) and added another branch to the DGMS IRL tree!  (And me?  Well, I'm counting the days till Matala gets back to Austin, and Dartha figures out when they can visit!)

Support Across The Miles

We've all been watching events unfold in Egypt.  Protests, people rising up and dying for their efforts.  While we sit in the relative security of our homes, thousands and thousands of miles removed from the powder keg, please don't forget those are real people, with very real emotions, and many with very worried relatives - like DGMSer Callen - who can only watch helplessly from afar.

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Dear Linda,

 

I’m an avid reader and sometime poster to your blog.  I’d like to ask for some of the dgms mojo for my brother.  He works for USAID and his wife works for the State department, and they, along with their 5 year old son, are based in Cairo.  We can’t get a lot of information because of the government crackdown on satellite communication, but the most recent word is that wife and son are heading back to the States but my brother is staying in Cairo.  So, we need good wishes.

 

This is crazy; until July of last year he was in Kabul and we were so glad when he got the Cairo posting.  Now this.

 

Take care,

 

Callen

 

Rallying The Troops

Carri - I know I won't be the only one holding you tight with my heart.  Just tell us if we squeeze too hard. ~ Linda

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Hi Linda, 

I’m needing some good vibes from my DGMS friends, sent up here to cold, snowy Michigan. I was having pain while swallowing for most of 2010 so in December when I went for my annual checkup with my doctor I told him about it. He sent me to have a swallow test and found nothing. Then he prescribed Prilosec for 30 days to see if that would help, thinking it was just acid reflux and wanted to see me when at the end of the 30 days if there weren’t changes. Well, no changes happened, still had pain and my tongue and upper gums were starting to get painful with just about anything I ate.

I’ve lost about 25 pounds in the past year also. I explained it away to having changed my eating habits since it hurt to swallow. Slowed down my eating, getting full faster, so I wasn’t eating as much. But I was still eating my powdered sugar donuts every morning and not shying away from a bowl of ice cream covered in chocolate and nuts, every other night with my hubby. I am not into exercise, whatsoever, so I know it didn’t come from that.

Anyway, I went back to my doctor, whom I love and respect, and he still couldn’t “see” anything wrong with my throat. He decided he was going to send me to a ear/nose/throat doctor but wanted to blood work first. Two days later he called me at work and told me I was very anemic. Ok, not a big deal I thought, I’d had problems with iron in the past so not a biggie. He wanted me to come in and have some more blood work and also another test to do at home. A stool sample, just small little scrapes, from 3 different stools was needed to be completed at home and taken back. (BYW, my hubby gets husband of the year honors for so stoically tackling that task. I couldn’t do it.) Got that done Wednesday at lunch and back to the office and got a call back from the doc’s office around 2:30 pm and got some bad news. I have blood in the stool so I’m headed to have a colonoscopy on Monday.

I am terrified about what they might find.  I keep telling myself it’s not anything to worry about that I’ve just got some lumpy hemorrhoids in there that are causing trouble but my mind keeps wondering to the C word.

Of course, the same can my said for my husband. He’s been so quiet the last 24 hours that I’m worrying about him now too. So if you don’t mind getting some good vibes started up my way, I will be grateful. 

Thanks a bunch,

Carri in Michigan

 

State of the Union 2011

If you did not have a chance to watch last night - invest a few minutes of your day.  (I have also posted the text accessible through a link on the left border.)

Which One Is The Killer?

Take a look at these two faces.  

On the right is a God fearing, 65 year old, South Carolinian.

On the left, your garden variety, known to be featured in headlines with the words "mauled" and "death", Pit Bull.

One of them is a killer.

One of them came across its helpless victim and latched on tight.  One of them entered that so-called "Red Zone" where all reason, training, civility take a backseat to cold, hard, ingrained in the cells brutality.

And in the end, the victim was dead.  Another tragic case of a Pit Bull featured with the word "killer" in a news headline.

Only this time, the Pit Bull was the victim.  The killer is that fine looking piece of Christianity up there - Miriam Smith.

But wait!, you say.  Was she acting in self defense?, you ask.  Was she protecting a small child in her care?, you query.

Have a triple serving of NO.

Diamond, the 1 year old dog, was caught by Miriam doing what so many dogs of all stripes do.  Chewing on something.  

An expensive shoe?  The drywall?  A family heirloom?

Again, eat up, we have plenty of NO to spare today.

Diamond's transgression was far worse than a chewed up pair of loafers, or a gnawed on curio.

Diamond dared to put her teeth to work on a book.  And sadly for Diamond, she could not read.  For she chose to nibble on the Word of the Lord.  

Yes, Diamond was caught ingesting the gospel (which had been left on the front porch - Diamond was on a chain outside).  And for breaking that little known Commandment, "Thou shalt not spittle, nip, nosh, or gnaw on the livelihood of the Gideons." she paid the ultimate price.

Miriam hanged her by an electrical cord, and then burned the dog's body which was found under a pile of grass - with the cord still around her neck.

Miriam admitted killing the "devil dog" - why, obviously, Miriam, it must be of the devil because it clearly CHOSE the Bible out of all those other literary choices you surely had scattered about.

She is shocked, shocked I tell you, to find herself in a Spartanburg County jail cell facing charges of felony animal cruelty.  Possible sentence? 180 days to 5 years.

Look, I get just as angry as anyone else when another Pit Bull mauling and death hits the headlines, I do.  It is heartbreaking when a child is attacked and killed in such a horrific manner.

But as an animal owner, it is also heartbreaking that so many animals are raised by completely inept owners who either do little to no training, and / or provide little to no precautions to keep their pets confined.

A dog, any dog, can, upon adoption, turn into a well trained, well behaved, polite animal.  OR it can be untrained, unsocialized, left cooped up, beaten when it misbehaves, and turn into an animal prone to attack out of fear and self defense, or provocation.

Obviously, owning a Pomeranian, my worries about it jumping our six foot fence are few.  But if she were to get out?  Then BAD ON ME.  But I also know the worst thing she is going to do is kiss someone to death, and possibly piss on their shoes in excitement.  She's been trained from day 1 in this family.  She knows her place, she knows commands, she began learning bite inhibition from the day she first tried to playfully nibble my hand.

My neighbor's grown son (who currently lives with them) has a Pit Bull.  It has gotten out twice previously.  Twice previously, I called Animal Control.  (Thankfully, both times it stayed near their home - presumably out of fear.) And when I saw it successfully pushing the boards of the fence outward, I immediately brought it to their attention.  They had the entire fence reinforced within days.  I have never seen it out again.

THAT'S what you do when you have pets - any pets.  You raise them with rules, constantly reinforcing training, and you react to situations concerning them immediately and responsibly.

Texas currently has a bill proposed called Justin's Law - named after a 10 year old boy who was mauled to death in 2009 by two Pit Bulls.  It would ban ownership of the breed in the state of Texas.

I'm sorry, but the problems owe more to the bad breeding of the owners than the breed of the dog.  

Would I ever own one?  Probably not.  Then again I doubt I will ever own a Golden Lab either.  I prefer my dogs baked potato sized.  But for those who would adopt or breed any canine with the potential for deadly actions there should be a firm set of checks, balances, and follow-up.

(Yes, I know - HUGE pipe dream.  We cannot even adequately protect children with follow-up by CPS agencies.)

But back to Miriam, while you're there in your jail cell, ask for one of those Gideons.  And then do what Diamond was doing - actually TAKE IN A LITTLE OF THE GOSPEL.  I highly doubt you'll stumble upon a passage where Moses strung up a camel for accidentally licking a stone tablet.

Hidden Valley Raunch

Another busy day (to be honest, it's going to be a busy week - Carson's team travels again this coming weekend - if you're near Sugar Land, Texas and want to watch some soccer, stop by.), so I apologize for not writing.  I'm on my way out the door again, but did a quick random grab from the Archives (3,737 posts currently) and landed on this one from 2007.  Enjoy?

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We should all be eating healthier. I’ve blogged many times before about the ever expanding waistlines across the United States. I’ve addressed the surveys the government actually funds each year to identify the country’s fattest city. And I’ve lamented the fact that people – young and old - spend too much time chewing and not enough time moving.

The problem is of special concern inside our nation’s schools.

Vending machines line the walls of cafeterias, schools freely admitting that they are a needed revenue stream. A la carte lines – offering every varietal of deep fried carbohydrate – fries, onion rings, wings, nuggets, corndogs, etc – outsell the main line every day.

And I get it. These are kids we’re talking about.

Imagine you are 15 again. Which would YOU choose? Salisbury steak, watery canned vegetables, cornbread, and milk – or onion rings and a 12 ounce can of Coke?

I’m honest - I know where my lunch money would be going.

But what about the students who actually do take control of their eating – be it for sports, a desire to fit into their new jeans, or simply because they are being taught to make better choices?

What is their option?

The salad bar, of course.

These days, nearly every school offers a salad bar option for its students and faculty. Lettuce, croutons, tomatoes, various other fixins – and of course, the large jugs of ranch salad dressing (which are never low fat and completely obliterate the good intentions of the lettuce, drowning it in double digit fat grams and cholesterol – but that’s for another article).

Let’s just concentrate on the salad bar. And those kids and teachers who frequent it at, oh, let’s say, for the sake of argument ... Wheaton North High School outside Chicago.

There they are, loading up on healthy options, tucking some croutons neatly between the lettuce leaves, adding a dash of color with a miniature tomato, grabbing a side of cauliflower (cause it tastes so good with dressing), and then pushing that handle down repeatedly on the Ranch Dressing bottle.

Up. Down. Up. Down. Oh yeah. That’s Sooooo Good. Squish. Splat. Ahhhhh.

Only that’s not the sound of the bottle.

No, that’s the sound made by the senior boy who wacked off into the bottle.

I am not making this up.

A senior, Marco Castro, has received two years probation and $750 fine after being turned in by fellow students for downloading his personal information (ahem) into the salad dressing bottle and then returning it to the salad bar where it was consumed.  In addition he will perform 120 hours of community service (after washing his hands, of course.)

Oh yeah, he has also been expelled – no pun intended. (Oh hell – screw it – full pun intended.)

To the judge he could only offer, "I have no explanation for what I did. I felt bad after I did it."

I’m assuming he means he felt bad after he watched people actually eating it, not after he – well, never mind...

I just feel bad for the salad regulars. Cause if it’s true that you are what you eat – there’s a whole new bunch of idiots now attending Wheaton North.

 

American Idle

So, in honoring my family's request to walk away from the time suck that is recapping American Idol, I am happy to report that Week 1 feels great.

What a lot of people have never quite understood is the amount of time it takes to not only watch a single episode, but to then face the keyboard and attempt to decipher pages and pages and pages of notes - praying that something funny will come of them.

An hour episode?  Watching it - just watching it - is 90 -120 minutes easy.  It is a start/stop/start/pause/start/rewind slog.  One reason my daughters stopped watching it.  It is no fun to watch it with me.

And DGMS on 2 hour crapisodes.  Oy.

It then takes 2-4 hours to create the recap.  Not just the words, but the stupid pictures my stupid head conjures up  and refuses to let go of while I type.  Those are Google offramps that take a lot of time surfing, cutting, pasting, erasing.

So what have I done with my Idle Idol time this week?  (Note:  Idle is a foreign concept.  Ask around, I don't do "Sit Still.")

Well, besides get to sleep more?  I enjoyed Carson's soccer game.  I made flarfs for those of you who made new requests.  I cuddled Oreo by the fire.  I practiced an audition piece with Carson.  I watched Chopped while Carson and I dozed off for the night.  I took a long bath.  I picked up Kendall from rehearsal and focused on her, not on having to rush back to my chair and remote control.

Basically, I was PRESENT.  

Who know what I'll do with next week's Idle time?  Sure, there will be soccer.  But I also know that there will be more smiles around the Sharp casa.

Dancing And Singing In The ... Jetta?

Singing In The Rain is my all-time favorite movical (movie musical).  Gene Kelly and Donald O'Connor TORE. IT. UP.

While I usually roll my eyes when ad folk rip off old footage or tunes, this truly made me smile on my way to bed last night. 

And if you'd like to enjoy my favorite dance number from Singin'? 

CLICK HERE AND SMILE

 

Suck It Up

Criminals have a long and storied history of stupidity.

From sliding stick-up notes with their home address on the envelope to tellers at banks, to those who get caught in store ventilation, the bandits among us are, to borrow from Cee Lo, more "Atari" than "Xbox."

I present today's Exhibit A:

Waldo Soroa, 19, of Florida (does ignorance and crime just flow downhill to that poor state?).  Waldo, and his cronies - Jose Diaz Marrero, 19; Matrix Andaluz, 18; and two other 17-year-olds - a gang who should consider changing their colors to pastel pink and green, and their name to The Massengils (for the douches they are), are all facing burglery charges - and an icky feeling they may never shake.

You see, last month they all broke into a home and in the course of their burgling, thought they had hit the cocaine/heroin jackpot when they found a container of light colored powder.

Of course, they celebrated their crime by snorting some.

It wasn't cocaine, although I'm certain they will be paranoid about anything they sniff in the future.  It was not heroin - harrowing, yes, heroin, NO 

They realized that no high was coming as a result of their sniffage, however, they did not know what they had in their possession (and nose hairs) until a few days later when they saw a news broadcast which mentioned the burglery and the missing items, especially ... the missing cremains.

Yep, they had not snorted Horse, but in fact, DOG and PERSON.  The cremains (in separate containers) were those of two deceased family pooches and the homeowner's father (who didn't even like line dancing in real life.  I doubt he would have liked being a LINE.)

They may not see dead people, but I bet they smell them for a while.

(I'd like to feel sorry for them, but I'm too busy snorting with laughter...)