Don't Get Me Started with Linda Sharp

A Night To Remember

Now, more than any other time in my life, I believe that every life touches another for a reason.

As I made the drive to Dallas yesterday, I reflected on the twists, turns, and quirks of fate that bring one life into contact with another.  Sometimes a person moves into your life and stays, a comfortable fit like a favorite pair of slippers.  Sometimes we explode into one another's lives for a short, intense, but still relevant period.

We may not know at the time the "Whys," but eventually the universe reveals to us what we have learned, why we have been touched, why we have been honored with real estate in someone's heart.

Since Toni's tragic passing, I have spent long hours wondering about the Whys of my placement.  The Whys of your placement.  I certainly never started DGMS thinking I would be standing at someone's memorial service.  In truth, DGMS was started as a self serving place where I could write exactly what I wanted.  No editors hellbent on 15 rewrites, no restrictive word counts, and certainly no filter on subject matter.

But then people started to find it.  Links were forwarded, comments left, and the "hits" kept increasing daily.  The addition of my American Idol ramblings only served to take those numbers and triple them, quadruple them, and so on.

But a funny thing happened on the way to this forum.  People like Toni stumbled into the front door for an AI recap, and stayed for everything else that was evolving.

A family.  A feeling that there was somewhere in cyberspace where intelligent debate was taking place on the comment board, where people genuinely shared, and genuinely cared.

And Toni was a part of that.  You are a part of that.

Last night, as Lori, Lori, Dorothy, Denise and I walked up to the SGI Center for the service, I had my first IRL encounter with the beauty and grace that is Wendi.  Her hug was one to add to my "Best Of" collections, and her strength was humbling.  Make no mistake, with Toni's granddaughter and grandson growing inside her, there is an ache of emptiness where Toni should be, but she stands tall, and has a smile for every one she meets.

When we entered, we were each given programs.

And from front to back, I was again struck with the wonderment of WHY?  Why had I - why had DGMS - been chosen to somehow be a conduit of all of this.  From the front which showed the photo I had mocked up for Namaste, the honor of being listed inside, to the final quote Toni posted at Facebook on the back - the quote she had commented on at DGMS one minute before she stole it and posted it on Facebook - I simply marveled at lives touching lives in such a profound way.

I have never been to a Buddhist service before.  I was, quite simply, enchanted - no pun intended.  At 5pm,  the congregants began chanting Nam Myoho Renge Kyo - over and over and over for nearly 20+ minutes.  And while there was that typical human moment of giggly discomfort at not knowing what is taking place, it was quickly replaced by the feeling - the intense feeling in the room.

You see, the chant is obviously audible - all those unique voices - but it quickly turns into something powerful you can actually feel surround you, move through you.  A vibration of sorts which centers you, calms you, envelops you like a hug.

And when it stops, you know it was a feeling because you are suddenly aware of its absence.  You begin to understand the peace and focus which attracted Toni - to have this incredible system in her life - a system which made sense when so much didn't make sense, which encouraged her forward motion when other people would simply give up and stagnate.

The service included a heartfelt eulogy, a small grouping of people called Universal Rhythm who sang John Lennon's Imagine.  (The group included a perfectly petite woman toting a full on oxygen tank, tubes looped behind her ears, and up her nostrils - but who sang her heart out to all of us.  She was glorious.)

As I sat there with the DGMS coven, I still felt a little like an interloper, I think we all did.  We were given curious glances throughout, and I knew that I needed to explain a bit about who we are, and why I had the insane honor of standing before the room and paying tribute to Toni before I started with what I had prepared.

I truly appreciate the words Lori, Lori, and Dorothy have left in the comments - that they were proud of me - I was proud of me, too.  Not for surviving a public speaking gig - that doesn't phase me - I do that a lot.  But I realized as I spoke that there was a rhythm to what I had written in trying to capture everything she meant to all of us.  There were laughs to break the sadness, and a lot of time to simply convey that Toni belonged to a family that is still reeling from her loss.

For me, it was quite powerful to know that you were all lighting candles and reading at this time.  All I can say is I FELT you.  I FELT Toni.

Afterwards I enjoyed hug after hug from total strangers who were suddenly not strangers at all.  They were simply lives that mine were meant to touch.  We were meant to explode into one another's lives - maybe for that moment, maybe forever.  So many were moved to promise that they were going to start coming to the blog, to experience the incredible family of which Toni was such a huge part.  So when you see new names begin to show up, don't be surprised.

After people began to leave, I was able to meet Jason, to hold him, and to look into eyes that would break your heart in half.  There is so much depth to this young man, so much love, and right now - so much pain over losing his mother.  He told me that when he spent time with her in LA in her hospital room, he climbed into the bed with her.  And while the doctors assured them all that Toni's head trauma was such that she was already "gone," he told me that as he lay his head on her shoulder and spoke to her, the heart monitor's beeping increased, strengthened.  Toni's connection to her children will remain.  As I have told Wendi, as long as you carry her in your heart, she will go wherever you go, experience all that you experience.

Jason is lost right now.  But I assured him, he has been "found" by DGMS and to not even think of trying to escape.  The same with Wendi - she has promised me she will set up a registry so we can get working on our virtual baby shower and begin caring for these babies who are soon to make our family even bigger.

And she asked me to be there when the babies are born.  If I have to move heaven and earth, I will be.  To stand in for Toni would be one of my life's biggest honors.

Make no mistake, I am still pissed off at Toni for not looking both ways.  But I am so grateful for the lives who have begun to touch mine, yours, ours as a result.

I want to thank Lori #1 and Lori #2, Dorothy and Denise for being there.  Your support meant the world to me, and I know everyone was so touched to see a small representation of everyone here at DGMS.

As I drove home this morning, I again pondered how lives come together for a reason.  Thank you all so much for exploding into mine.

Here are some scans of the program, and a few photos Lori took along the way.

Namaste.

 

Front of the program

 
Inside of program

 
Back of program

 
Lori, me, Dorothy and Another Lori at Denny's before the service

 
Another Lori, me, and Dorothy

 
The table where incensed was burned and we all offered prayers during the chanting - LOVE Toni's picture

 
 
One of the singers - she had such a wonderful energy about her - Me and Denise (Kittypimp)

 
Wendi, me, and Jason - a love sandwich

Remembering Toni - A Life Lived Well, A Life Well Lived

April 16, 2007 - The Virginia Tech Shooting - the nation came face to face with another terribly troubled youth, and face to face with the carnage he delivered upon innocent bystanders. 

And I wrote about it.  My words reflecting the shock, sorrow, and yes, anger we were all feeling.

Except Toni.

April 17, 2007 - the day after the shooting, she posted a comment which was my, our, first real insight into the soul, the spirit, the depth of this woman. 

She spoke of the understandable anger, but  explained her view through her Buddhist faith:  In Buddhism, we believe that we come back many times, and that the "state" we die in is the same one we return in. We also believe that we can chant for the deceased. Therefore, we should pray for the shooter as well as all affected by his actions. I in no way condone anything he did, but I also realize that he was a tortured soul, and I will continue to chant that he finds peace in his heart somewhere down the line.

She had my attention.

Between that day, and October 6th at 7:47am, the last time she commented at the Don't Get Me Started blog, mere hours before she was taken from us - she chimed in with 48 pages of insight, laughter, wit, sarcasm, her endless lustfest for Brett Michaels, her hopes, dreams, struggles, compassion, tears, lunacy, and most of all her love.

That love, that true friendship is something the DGMS family has long since given up trying to explain.  You see, we speak of one another as friends, CLOSE FRIENDS - friends whose lives matter, whose ups we cheer, whose downs we comfort.

Toni was a part of that family.  A REAL person.  Not just lines of type, but a living breathing human being.

When the chance finally arrived to meet in person, I was excited.  And nervous.  Most people don't get that.  That it is just as weird for me as it is for them.  (Plus, as my daughters complain about IRL meetings - "They always stare at your hair, Mom."  True.)

Standing in the foyer at Buca di Beppo in Frisco, Toni stared as my daughter and I walked in.  She stared HARD.  As much at Carson, as at my hair - I imagine when you've read so much about someone - and I do share my family freely - it is like watching a book come to life - in our case, a comic book. 

She managed to get out a very timid hello.  I don't do hellos, I do hugs.  I went over to her, hugged her close, and whispered, "I'm nervous, too."  In that moment, I felt her relax.  As we pulled back, she smiled, took a breath, and the afternoon unfolded as the best Real Life meetings do - laughter, picture taking, and hours that fly by far too fast.

Since October 8th, when I got the first email about the accident, my mind has repeatedly wandered back to Buca, back to that afternoon, when Toni and I stepped out of cyberspace and truly became REAL PEOPLE to one another.   Having met the woman behind the wicked wit, her every comment was suddenly colored by the magic of having held her, laughed with her, connected with her.

But then she worked that magic with an entire blogmunity of people who hadn't had the honor of sharing cheesy Italian.

To the blog, Toni was infectious - the good kind, the kind of infectious you want to spread around.   She was always there with encouragement, chanting when someone was in peril, a snarky comment when some asshat in this world drew my ire, and American Idol - God help us all - how she loved her American Idol.   Sometimes I think Paula left to simply get away from Toni's truly unique observations.

And then there was Condo-palooza.  For a process that had as many downs as ups, struggles aplenty, and frustrations to spare  - Toni's positive outlook was truly an inspiration.  Sure, we all knew how stomach churning were the myriad what-ifs she was facing, but she never got bogged down in them.  If anything, reading her posts was like enjoying a truly funny sitcom script.  We laughed.  We shook our heads, we waited for updates.  And when the post finally came that that goddamned thing had sold, that packing was underway, that she was finally going to be able to change her DGMS name from Toni in Dallas to Toni in Los Angeles?

Well, I feel safe to say cheers went up over the DGMS world.

The same way tears of laughter fell down when she reported in that her rental truck's AC had broken down in ARIZONA.

Yeah.  Seinfeldian timing.  No AC in Arizona in the summer.  With pets.

When she finally arrived, I know I speak for everyone in our family when I say her constant updates meant constant smiles.  Toni was eating life with the big spoon.  Going to show tapings, being in the audiences, finding temp work, even meeting DGMSer Bobbsey for an American Idol concert - her zest for living was inspirational.

Having watched how long she struggled and persevered to make that LA dream happen, how we cheered her success, I promise you there is no hyperbole in this statement:  Her death devastated the DGMS family.

As the one at the keyboard, I was at once both honored and horrified to ultimately have to deliver the news that there was no hope to be found, that death had taken a family member from us.  And in being allowed by Scott, Wendi and Jason to be that conduit, I was also both honored and horrified when I had to turn to our family with an unprecedented request.

You see, I ask a lot of the folks at DGMS.  And they have never failed to respond.  Their financial generosity has saved beloved pets after attacks, sent a deserving young lady to college, put a deposit on an apartment, beds in a home, put winter coats on shivering bodies, backpacks full of school supplies on excited students, and countless Christmas gifts under the trees of little ones all over this country. 

So when Scott emailed me his concern over how they were possibly going to be able to handle the expenses of Toni's passing, there was no hesitation.  I told him to let me see what I could do.

But I take that back.  There was a slight hesitation, because never in a million years, never when I first started DGMS as an outlet where I could write free of editors, did I ever envision having to solicit funds to carry a departed family member to their rest.  But then, never could I have imagined the community that would grow around my little piece of cyberspace.

Scott, Wendi, and Jason may have heard Toni mention DGMS in passing, but they truly had no way of knowing what Toni's passing would mean to DGMS.

I asked and the floodgates opened.  $3, $5, $100, $300 - the family of Don't Get Me Started stood together - as we always do - and cared for Toni in death as we had cared so much for her in life.  With the exception of raising my children, I have never been so honored in my entire life.

I had asked the blogmunity to write in what they remembered about Toni - and they all echoed the same sentiments.  Her zest for living, her indomitable spirit, her venom towards the douche (I'm quoting)  who stole her t-shirt from the apartment laundry room, her compassion, our fears for Brett Michaels' health (do you think he'll be surprised to be met by a groupie in the afterlife?), and always - ALWAYS - the courage of her convictions.

In wanting to sum up all that we learned from her at DGMS, all that she shared, all that she meant, all that she was, I admit I struggled, right up till last night.  How to sum up a soul like Toni's?  Words, which are my stock in trade, were not coming.

And so I sat down at the computer.  And I accessed the 48 pages of comments she shared over the years, hoping for inspiration.  And in what I initially thought was a random choice, I hit page 14.

Actually I think Toni made me hit page 14.  Because there it was.  A comment she left on June 24th, 2008 after I had written a piece about - ironically - a tragic van accident in Dallas.  The piece was called Live Like You Were Dying.  And this is what Toni said. 

This is exactly why my 53 yr old ass is still hanging out at metal music festivals, getting tattoos and generally living life as best I can.

I may get looks and whispers behind my back, but I figure they really are jealous at my zest for life. Hell, I have friends who still can't believe I've put my condo on the market so I can move to Los Angeles to continue my party in an area where there will NEVER be a lack of things to do or see.

I took care of a friend who had AIDS for over 11 years, and fought off Pneumonia three times to finally lose his battle when the cancer took over.

This man never really looked back, and although he had many days where he just didn't feel like going on he always had time for me. He made a huge impact in my life, and I know I'll see him again in the next.

I had wanted to move to Nashville, but promised him I would never leave. Two weeks before he died he told me I could go now. Funny thing is I lost my passion to go there, and now have found a "better" place where I believe I'll be happy and oh so busy.

So, take that belly dancing class you've secretly wanted to take, start writing that book, or just go do something with friends and family.

Who knows whose memories they will turn out to be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Toni's life was not just a life lived well, it was a life well lived.  That we should all be so lucky when it's our time to go. 

Namaste, Toni.  DGMS loves you.

Toni's Memorial

Tomorrow at 5:00pm (CST), friends and family will gather in Dallas to honor the life of Toni Wilkerson.  I am honored to be attending, even more so to have been asked by Wendi to speak.

Tonight I finally finished writing what I want to say.  I started Tuesday night while shivering on the edge of a soccer field, and I have methodically procrastinated finishing it since then.  Writing about her passing is not exactly as fun as say, writing about a douchenozzle diddling a dead deer in a ditch.

I simply did not know how to sum up her life, how to end, because ending is final, ending is finally acknowledging she is gone.

But Toni came to me tonight.  I know she did.  And she guided me to my ending.  I got shivers when I found it, and I know you will, too. 

I have loaded what I have written and it is set to autopost here at DGMS as the memorial gets underway in Dallas.

I hope you will all come back at that time and as you read the words, you will be "there" in spirit.

Linda

 

It's Lisa G's Day, Too!

 

Time To Celebrate Audrey!

 

Blow (Up) Job

Next time you're having that raw "animal" sex - remember, safety first.

This is hilarious.  Seriously. 

Good Thoughts Needed

As she indicated in the comments earlier, Jodi's husband is back in the hospital right now.  I know you all will join me in sending positive energy, love, light, and prayers his way for a speedy, uneventful recovery.

And to Jodi - huge cyberhugs of support.  Having someone you love in the hospital is beyond stressful - please be taking care of YOU, too.

A Family Affair

Thank you to everyone who messaged me on Facebook and emailed me directly when Texas A&M went into lockdown earlier today with reports of a gunman on campus.  Your concern about Culley's safety is heartwarming and continues to show just what a family we have here at DGMS.

The campus has been given the ALL CLEAR with police identifying a person with a "replica weapon."

Talk about giving a parent a shot of adrenaline... I need some wine.

The Absolute Best Medicine

This just turned my mood around.

Cloudy With A Chance Of Meat AND Balls

How someone in the production booth couldn't see the really warm front that moved in is beyond me... now what about those cumulonimbus clouds?