Country music. Always lampooned as being the easy kind of song to write. You know, take one drunken husband, a couple skanky bleach blond barhounds, a tractor, three ex-wives (soon to be four), and a three legged dog - you know, the one named Tilt.
Voila! A hit country song! Someone get Merle Haggard on the phone!
In truth, country music has always managed to convey the realest of emotions, providing background to the realest of scenarios in our lives. (OK, ok, maybe you don't have a three legged dog, but I guarantee you been done wrong at some point in your life.)
These days, country's influence can be felt everywhere as it constantly does the crossover onto the pop charts, and continually sucks talent over to the twangy side of life (see Hootie).
One of the bigger crossover queens has been Shania Twain. So, in what is one of the better mentoring selections of this season, perhaps she can offer these kids some insight into doing what country has always done, tell a story.
The day was long, my nerves were thin
Ridin' the John Deer thinkin' bout my sins
A trusting wife, a woman so true
I f*cked a whore, she says we're through...
In my frustration I kicked the dog
Then for good measure I shot our hog
The squeal rang out, Tilt done barked
Wife's burnin' my clothes, I'm nekked stark
Betrayed again by old Jack D
Sippin' on whiskey, get flirty
I shoulda come home to my woman's charms
'Stead I settled right in to a barhound's arms...
Lesson never learned, oh, lesson never learned!
Sittin' here nekked, next to gimpy Tilt,
Watchin' my overalls burnnnnnnn...
(Hmmm. I bet old Roy Clark and Buck Owens could've torn the charts up with this one!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A paint salesman ... a high school student ... a glass blower ... a mother ... a father ... a construction worker ...
Who will tonight's challenger choose for Battle Kumquat in Kitchen Stadium?
Oh wait... between the lights, drum beats, and dramatic vocal I thought we were watching Iron Chef and that big silhouette up there was Chef Batali. I guess it was Big Mike...
Graphics, and then the Chief Executive in Charge of Pimp and CircumstASS waltzed down his staircase of self importance.
A howdy pardner (in keeping with tonight's theme) to the judges:
Randy, wearing a cardAGAIN made of the carpet from my old childhood rec room (those big squares that repel stains); Ellen in drab gray and black (and looking very chilly); Kara in drapey gray, her neck attacked by Jack The Dripper of Sequins; Simon phoned it in in black.
Ryan then welcomed the six back out onto the stage where they all looked like new workers in a brothel. Seriously, are they still this stiff after all these weeks of being trotted out like show ponies (or ladies at the Mustang Ranch)?
A quick roll of the tape highlighting Shania Twain - wow, I forgot how great that I Feel Like A Woman video is - lots of praise for her 5 Grammys (well deserved), title as both the "biggest crossover artists ever" (evereverever) and her third CD being the best selling album by a woman, any genre, in history.
When she met with the group, her biggest advice was to "interpret the songs as though you wrote them." Good advice. And also a key point in why she has always been a hitmaker. She writes her own songs, which means she has that personal connection ingrained.
First up to work with her on You're Still The One was Lee's guitar. OK, sorry, he was there, too, but I am tired of watching all these kids hide behind their stringed Binkys.
Shania said Lee has "a fantastic style that needs to come out and not be buried by his guitar."
So, of course, he buried himself behind his guitar on stage.
Dressed in a blazer, white shirt, loosened necktie and JEANS, I stopped looking and just listened. He does have that radio ready Daughtry quality to his voice. It is distinctive enough to identify him. Watching him though, he still tends to sing like a stroke victim, out one side of his mouth.
All in all, not a bad job.
Randy started with "check it out, check it out, baby, checkitoutcheckitout" and finally moved into "started a little pitchy" but that Lee found his "sweet spot"; Ellen added that his performances "always sound like your version," he "couldn't look any cuter," and announced, "All aboard the Shania Twain!" (I just know that, like me, these things come to her in the night and she writes them down on her nightstand so she can incorporate them at a later date.); Kara said he sounded "so relevent" and that he did a "good job"; Simon agreed, said "that was absolutely the perfect song choice," but that Lee still keeps making "kind of weird faces."
Big Mike met with Shania to work on It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing ( LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that song). For her part she was "really moved" by his voice and interpretation.
On stage, bogarting Queen Ryan's stairs, Mike was dressed in JEANS (5001s?), a black T, his dog tags, and a jacket with studs on the elbows (I guess suede patches are not enough reinforcement when you're a hulkster like Mike?).
I really enjoyed the song, but thought he seemed a skosh out of breath here and there. Over all, the shot of Shania at the end said the most - she was teary eyed. Nicely done.
Randy said Mike has found his "zone" and that it was a "great job"; Ellen said it felt like "Luther Vandross" that she felt Mike's "emotion"; Kara said "I always feel like you go to that place that connects you"; and Simon called the Luther analogy "spot on" but the performance "wet." When pushed to explain he said "girly."
AFTER. THE. BREAK. we returned to Ryan and Casey on the Chat Chairs to discuss last week's phoned in performance. Casey said he went back and rewatched ALL his performances and admitted he "hasn't given anybody anything new."
Now, now, Casey - I wouldn't say that. I'm sure Kara's had all sorts of new fantasies since you entered this competition shirtless.
With Shania he rehearsed Don't. Her diagnosis? Casey is "missing a little inner confidence."
Remedy? Feel the song, dude. Tell the story. Stop relying on your shiny locks and ability to play a guitar.
Sitting on Bar, behind the judges, his hair carefully finger curled, wearing JEANS and yet another of his signature, I-don't-give-a-cow-pattie shirts (untucked, unbuttoned), and his ever present guitar, Casey did something he has not done before.
He made me want to listen all the way through.
Not kidding. His voice sounded richer, more interesting, more involved in the lyrics, and I could finally hear him on the radio. This really was the first time I have thought WOW about something besides his dimples.
Randy called it "one of the best Casey James performances EVER"; Ellen said he "sang that like that's where you really belong"; Kara said he "didn't hide ... was vulnerable, raw"; Simon said it was "probably your best performance so far" and that he "should give Shania a kiss on the lips.
Shania, no media virgin she, made sure it was an ass out hug.
Crystal joined Ryan on the Stupid Stools to remark how Shania's "always glowing."
While rehearsing, Shania advised Crystal to "be a bit happier in your tone" on her choice of the peppy No One Needs To Know.
Crystal called the song about marriage and family a "message to my boyfriend ... dropping hints here and there ... he'll man-up one of these days."
Yes, Crystal, because nothing says "man-up" more than being outed as an emotional p*ssy on national TV.
On stage in brown cowgirl boots, a strapless brown dress, and a dead pigeon hanging from her left ear - Crystal went to work with her guitar. The song is fun, upbeat, and I enjoyed her take on it, but she seemed drowned out at times by the back-up singers.
Not bad, but certainly not one for the Crystal Bowersox Moments Hall of Fame.
Randy said "it wasn't my favorite performance, but I love you"; Ellen said "there's nothing you can't do"; Kara remarked it is "impossible for you to not be good"; And Simon said, "Shocker - we don't like Crystal this week" explaining the whole thing felt "limp ... didn't feel any conviction."
Aaron met with Shania to work on You Got A Way and my oogey meter went into overdrive. Another love song, the lyrics of which have yet to touch his real life.
Shania insisted the song "suits him beautifully."
On stage, sitting on Bar, he was dressed (yet again) as a Sears Toughskin boyaquin. Head to toe denim with a plaid shirt thrown in for extra country cred.
He sounded fine - he always sounds fine - and yes, he changed the lyric in the way we make love to the Disney demo friendly in the way you show me love.
Good finish, strong, but still oogey.
Randy threw in the word "wheelhouse" to show he's hip, then added "really good job"; Ellen loved his "amount of emotion and depth"; Kara said he "really felt those words" and remarked on his changing the lyrics since he obviously has never ... she stopped short of saying "gotten nekked" and he quickly explained he was singing to his Mom; Simon steered this now potential incest twain to a sidetrack and said the song "felt sincere, believeable, really well done."
One word. Oogier.
Finally Siobhan met up with Shania to figure out how to scream Any Man Of Mine. Shania explained, "the song is all about attitude ... she has to get into character."
The character she chose was apparently Lois from the Flying J Truck Stopateria outside Amarillo. Dressed in her knee high lace up stomping boots, a short, tight, floral dress complete with aprony flounce, and a shoulder holster whose purpose seemed to be to provide a collar?, Siobhan launched into the song with all the emotional verve normally reserved for shouting "Burn one, take it through the garden and pin a rose on it!" (hamburger with lettuce, tomato and onion) to the fry cooks in back.
As she moved around the stage it was painfully obvious that something was burning - namely her lower register. It was incinerated on most lines when she tried to use it.
She finished with her signature squeal (unnecessary) and the audience went wild.
The judges? Well, them, too, mostly.
Randy said "I loved it!"; Ellen quipped, "Way to pull the Shania Twain into the station!"; Kara asked "Guess who's baaaaack?"; Simon questioned the screaming at the end, saying it "almost sounded like you're giving birth."
And that rounds up country night here at the DGMS corral. All in all, I think it was a truly solid night of Shania Twain covers and I honestly don't know what to think about an elimination outcome.
We are at the point where the singing usually starts to take a backseat to undying devotion. I'd say Aaron has that locked up with the tweeners. Casey has the hot flash contingent. And Crystal has, well, ME - and I'm never wrong. (Except when I am.)
I would predict a Bottom Three of Mike, Lee (because he went first), and Siobhan (because the gimmick is wearing thinner than the tomato soup made out of ketchup and water at the Flyin J).
Chime in and don't forget to tip yer waitress.
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