I never thought I'd be writing this, but I have to give it to Nadya Suleman. Sure she has shown up from time to time (a Radar Online sneak peek here, an US Weekly article there, those recent pregnant nun for Halloween pics), but on the whole she has kept a pretty low profile in the past few months.
Yes, caring for 14 children is kind of a "time suck" (love that descriptor of babies from Juno), but it seems like she (and possibly her handlers) understand that sometimes the best way to recoup some semblance of respect-normalcy-dignity is to step out of the spotlights and live quietly.
How I wish Jon Gosselin would rip a page out of her playbook and just STFU and GO AWAY.
Interview after paid interview, a paid hosting gig at a pool party in Vegas, paid facetime at a California milkshake emporium, making pals with the paparazzi to insure they are always on hand for his every breath, pimple, fart, and carriage ride through Central Park.
His one man media tour to whine about being emotionaly abused, broken, taken for granted did not win him any fans. If anything, it isolated him even more, making him a bigger assclown than he already was.
So what could he possibly do to polish up that Black and Decker tool image of his?
Turn Jewish, that's what.
Yeah. That's what I said.
Several weeks ago he did an interview in which he stated, "Hailey is Jewish. Everyone in my life is Jewish now, my attorney. I love it. I'm now half Jewish and half Korean. The family values are great."
Oooo-kay. And you are obviously a stellar example of family values, Jon.
He went on, "I just went through Rosh HaShana and Yom Kippur and learned about the new year and every Friday is the Shabbat dinner. I love challah bread. I'm learning about Jewish food, going to Zabar's. I love that place. I'm learning about kosher and when not to order a bacon, egg and cheese and make an ass of myself. Hailey makes fun of me. My mom came to the city on Yom Kippur and asked where all the traffic was. I got from the West Side to Midtown in five minutes. She wants to come to the city every year on Yom Kippur."
That's great, Jonathan, really. I'm all for embracing something if it has truly touched you in a profound way, but in this case, the touching seems to be less profound, and more profane.
"I have a therapist. But hanging around Jewish people you don't need to talk to anyone else. My parents and grandparents are divorced and I want to break the pattern. I have Hailey and Mark Heller, my attorney, my therapist. They're all Jewish. I watch them and I confide in them, especially Hailey. She is my best friend. She'll tell me if I do something wrong. God has put these people in my life for a reason. My inner circle is Jewish. I only care what they think. I never talked about anything until therapy."
OK, at this point, if I were Jewish, I'd start to get a tad offended. Hell, I'm not Jewish and I'm offended. Could this guy get more douchy than he already is? (Channel Chandler Bing for the reading of that last line.)
Rhetorical question. Of course he can.
He has now started consulting with Michael Jackson's former confidante, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, and has launched the Great Douchebag Apology Tour of 2009.
It has started with him publicly apologizing to girlfriend extraordinaire, Hailey Glassman, who pimped her story out a few days ago, complaining about Jon and his treatment of her.
Clear this up for me, Hail. Was this supposed to make both of you look like sympathetic victims?
Epic fail.
Of course, her calling him out publicy for his "mantrums" led to him finding the nearest microphone and saying this, "I am grateful for her emotional support and I regret any pain that my actions have caused her as she has selflessly born the pressures I have endured under the media glare. I am committed to making things right with Hailey as well as Kate and especially my children. I ask you to please give me the opportunity to prove myself."
Yes, he now realizes the error of his ways and wants to "reconnect with my deeper, more spiritual, more altruistic self."
Um, Jon. I have yet to see you give anything of yourself to anyone but yourself.
The tour moves on this coming Sunday to the West Side Synagogue He will step up to another microphone and apologize "in a sacred space to those whom I have hurt" because, as he now says, his behavior "has not always reflected my personal and religious values . . . I have allowed myself to become somewhat severed from my own moral anchor and be carried away by the challenges of fame."
And pussy.
Sorry to be that blunt, Jon, but it's true.
Nothing you have done to date indicates you have a moral compass, anchor, or boner in your body.
Seriously, Jon - no one cares. You are a tool, a loser, an untalented hack who thinks that he is some hot celebrity. I assure you that Brad Pitt, Robert Pattinson, and Justin Timberlake are not losing sleep over your presence. In fact, I bet Kanye West sleeps better knowing you're out there constantly outdouching him.
And that takes some doing.
The best thing you could do is STFU, walk away from the bright lights (who truly only follow you to chronicle your daily douchebaggery), get a real job, dump the bachelor pad in New York and get your ass back within 20 miles of your CHILDREN - you do remember the children, don't you, Jon? Those little tykes responsible for your ability to have an apartment in Manhattan, several new cars, and that impressive collection of Ed Hardy clothing? Remember them?
Because no one is going to be buying tickets to your latest PR scheme. The public is done funding your lifestyle.
The World's Biggest Douchebag Apology Tour doesn't need an audience. If you're really sincere? Sit down with Kate and your kids - no cameras, no paid photo ops - and ask for forgiveness. Tell them you have been an idiot, an absentee father, gotten carried away with the bright lights and money.
And then walk the walk, Jon. Because an apology is no good if there are not actions to back it up.
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