Don't Get Me Started with Linda Sharp

Google Words O' The Week

I know, I know - I have been remiss.  It's been a while since I let you in on some of the more "choice" keywords folks have Googled only to find themselves here at DGMS.

Obviously, since the AP article on David Cook, there have been thousands and thousands of queries for my name, the blog name, and the word "cougar", and I hope those who have clicked through have liked what they find here. 

However, in some cases I imagine a few folks are sorely disappointed by where they end up...

Tiny denim shorts asscrack - Googling for a plumber?

Linda Sharp blog bobcat - That's COUGAR, thankyouverymuch...

Dr. Phil Sexy - now THIS person needs help

Billy Dan Carroll - lots of people in disbelief out there, or lots of people looking to caravan to Austin for a public tarring and feathering

Monkeys wacking off - OK, that just made me laugh - and you people think I entertain YOU?

Rhinocerus rectum - is this a medical condition, a Fear Factor recipe, or were you actually Googling for the real deal?

Thang cap do - That's Ms. Thang Cap Do to you

Linda Sharp and David Cook - "sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G"

Severe jock itch cures - Uhhhhhh, scratching?

David Cook naked - Like this surprises me.  People are STILL Googling for Naked Kellie Pickler and finding THIS when they get here:

So, I guess I shouldn't disappoint those looking for DC in his birthday suit.  Here you go:

 

Dog eating sauerkraut - Dog would be sleeping outside

Sex with vegetables - please tell me this person meant the garden variety

Do Catholic priests have sex? - Forgive me Father, for I have inned?

And finally...

Donkey copulation - hee huh? hee huh?  hee huh?

Coming Out Of The Closet

Imagine, if you will, you are living your normal life, day in, day out.

You come and go.  You eat, you sleep.  You bathe, you poop.  All the normal, boring activities of the normal, boring human being.

And you clean up after yourself, very fastidious about keeping things "just so."

Only the home you are living in is not yours.  And the owner has no clue you're there at all.

Are you a ghost?

Nope.

Sound impossible? 

Think again.

According to police spokesman Hiroki Itakura, of the southern Japan town of Kasuya, this exact scenario played out - FOR A WHOLE YEAR.

The owner of the home, a single man, began to suspect something was awry - burglars perhaps? - when he noticed food items coming up missing for several months.  (Hamburglars?  Sorry, couldn't resist.)

So he installed security cameras in his home and left for work.  The images were set to be sent to his cell phone.

Thursday, after leaving for the day, the images showed someone moving around in his home - he immediately called police, who arrived and were immediately puzzled because the doors were still locked, and no windows had been breached.

Once inside, Itakura says, "We searched the house ... checking everywhere someone could possibly hide.

Then they checked the top compartment of a closet in one of the rooms of the house.  "When we slid open the shelf closet, there she was, nervously curled up on her side."

"She" was a 58 year old woman who confessed to having lived in his house for a whole year, having first entered one day when he left the house unlocked.  Since that day, she had made herself at home while he was out, and hid away on a mattress she had pulled up into the closet, while he was home.

The woman has been arrested and charged with trespassing.

I suppose it's best she was discovered now, not years and years down the road.

That could have given a whole new meaning to skeleton in the closet, huh?

Get The Point?

Rudy just emailed this one to me.

WHY TRAMPOLINES ARE SO DANGEROUS...

Thou Shalt Not Haveth Both Vagina And Vestments

From CNN:  The Vatican announced Thursday in a general decree that it will excommunicate anyone who would attempt to ordain a woman as a priest and the woman herself.

Which only goes to reinforce why I, raised as a Catholic, left and never looked back once I got out on my own.

I believe in God.  I simply do not believe in institutions.  Especially ones in which I am regarded as somehow less.

Enjoy all those fancy hats, guys.  And keep up the "good work."  GOD knows what a stellar job you all have done leading the church lo these many centuries.

Clay's mAiken A Baby

I've never been one to hide my appreciation for the talent of Clay Aiken - American Idol Season 2 runner-up.

While his transformation from geek to chic during the show's run made that season a Must See, it was his vocal talent which made the show a Must Hear. 

Whether he was giving the crowd goosebumps on Unchained Melody, or managing to flip the vocal bird to the producers who attempted to strangle him with the song Vincent, Clay was the kind of contestant who turned AI into the juggernaut it became.

And I can watch his finale effort of Bridge Over Troubled Water time and time again, and still come away, blown away.  It was THAT good.

And while I never joined the legions of fans who christened themselves "Claymates", I did attend the AI Live Tour that summer, have his CDs, and even sat front row during his Christmas concert tour.

Say what you will about his sexual orientation (I don't care), quirkiness (I love how self deprecating he is) - whatever - there is no denying that the kid is talented.  Period.

This morning, however, I must admit that I did momentarily cock an eyebrow when I ran across the headline on People.com that read "Clay Aiken Is Going To Be A Dad."

And his reps are confirming it.

It seems he has channeled David Crosby and donated a little DNClay to longtime friend, Jaymes Foster, sister of legendary music industry powerhouse David Foster.

I know this is going to ruffle some feathers and get the babies-need-two-parents crowd in an uproar of judgment, but honestly?  I'm happy for them all.

Children are conceived every minute of every day not out of love or intent or desire to parent, but because someone forgot to stop at the drugstore on the way to the bed or backseat.  So if two consenting, thoughtful adults make a conscious decision to bring a child into this world, a decision born of consideration, love aforethought, and a deep emotional drive to be a parent? 

That child already has a head start as far as I'm concerned.

A child comes into this world needing only three things:  nourishment, diapers, and love.  And as long as those things are provided, it doesn't matter if it is by a single mother, lone father, set of grandparents, a happily married hetero couple, completely commited homosexual couple, an unmarried love match, two friends, or a partridge in a pear tree.

As long as there is constancy and unconditional love, a child will flourish.

And if Clay Aiken is around to sing some lullabyes?  Even better.

Classic Conway & Korman

There will never be another pair like Tim and Harvey.  And I agree with you all - the best part of their skits was watching Korman try to keep a straight face.

And Eileen, these are for you...the classic Gone With The Wind sketch in two parts.

Billy Dan Carroll Update

All is takes is one loose thread...

And now that the police have started pulling on it, well, the unraveling fabric of crimes is sickening.

The loose thread was the 8 year old little girl who he sexually assaulted over the weekend. 

The "fabric" has been found to now contain at least six other children, ages THREE to fifteen, also sexually abused by this once trusted child advocate.

And the video found in his home of the two women?  Well, they were both unconscious.

What a guy, huh?

What a pathetic, cowardly, abusive, trust raping, worthless, selfish, self indulgent, deserves-to-hang-by-his-scrotum-till-dead guy.

(Oh, and like all these POSes, this one is married with a teen daughter, too.  They were away the night he invited the 8 year old and her siblings over.)

It Happens In Threes...

When Dick Martin passed last week, I started watching.

I know it's a stupid superstidence (superstition + coincidence), but celebrity deaths seem to run in packs of three.

Sure enough, veteran director / actor Sidney Pollack joined Dick earlier this week.

And today, one of my favorite comedians of all-time, a man for whom there really will never be a rival - Harvey Korman - has filled out the triumverate.

Our loss is surely heaven's gain.  I can only imagine that given what a mess we're making of things down here, God was in need of some laughs.

Rest in peace guys, and thank you for all the years we got to go to pieces courtesy of your tremendous gift of laughter.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Enjoy this clip from one of my favorite Korman films: the incomparable Blazing Saddles

Oh hell, enjoy TWO clips...

Scarf It Down

I'm glad we don't have anything big going on in the world like earthquakes, cyclones, wars... it makes it easier to focus on issues that truly matter, like what the hell Rachel Ray is wearing around her Photoshopped neck.

You know, I saw the ad this morning when the whole brewhaha (come on, it IS a coffee ad, after all) was being discussed on CNN, and I literally stared at the TV and laughed out loud.

Not because it's funny.

But because it's pathetic.

The whole scarfluffle was brought about by individuals, including conservative commentator Michelle Malkin, who began complaining that the scarf looks like a kaffiyeh.

If you're like me, don't feel bad about asking, What the hell is a kaffiyeh?

I just got up to speed with the PASHMINA, and they're no longer en vogue.

Apparently, the kaffiyeh is the traditional Arab headdress.  And it has come to symbolize Muslim extremism and terrorism.

I didn't know that.

Then again, I doubt I would do well on Jeopardy in the Woven Fibers of The World category.  I'm more of a Potent Potables gal...

In his column, Malkin wrote that the scarf "has come to symbolize murderous Palestinian jihad. Popularized by Yasser Arafat and a regular adornment of Muslim terrorists appearing in beheading and hostage-taking videos, the apparel has been mainstreamed by both ignorant (and not-so-ignorant) fashion designers, celebrities, and left-wing icons."

I'm sorry, I just looked at it again.  I still only see an ugly, looks-like-my-cat-got-pissed-off-at-it SCARF.

You know, I bet if the terrorists panned down in their videos, we'd see some Nikes, Adidas, and Pumas on their feet.  There might be some Fruit of the Looms under those robes.  An iPod loaded with recorded prayer and religious song.  A tube of Chapstick in their pocket - it is an arid country after all.  I wear Nikes.  I have an iPod and a tube of lip balm.  Does that mean I'm a walking symbol of terrorism?

My point is, where does a little common sense come into play? 

Malkin and her critical brethren are acting like Rachel Ray appears in the ad wearing a criss cross of bullets and a backpack labeled "C4".

But no matter.  In this mucked up, tunnel visioned world of ours, the squeaky PC wheel gets the grease, and so in order to appease the folks who see more than Rachel's overly large looking head on her noticeably Photoshopped and slimmed body, hawking coffee for a donut emporium, Dunkin Donuts has yanked the ad.

Yes, in the face of the words "extremism" and "terrorism", they have bowed down to, well, politically correct extremism and bottom line terrorism.

In a response to DD's decision to pull the ad, Malkin wrote, "It's refreshing to see an American company show sensitivity to the concerns of Americans opposed to Islamic jihad and its apologists."

No Michelle.  It's revolting to see how easy it is to warp, distort, piss, and moan and get your way.  And categorizing a whole people, who happen to wear this tattered piece of fabric, as terrorists is just completely insulting.

Sorry Rachel Ray.  Just another example of "Everyday Living" in the good old US of Asshat.

(And before anyone gets their Underoos in a wad, I love America.  Don't even go there with me.  But I have complete disdain for how we constantly allow a few squeaky wheels to force changes like this.  We need stem cell research if only so we can all regrow a freaking spine.)

DGMS Celebrates!