Airport security.
Those two words are able to make a person's butt pucker faster than "protological exam".
No one likes it, despite the fact that we all understand it is a necessary evil (Airport security, not the Tush Test. Although as we age, more and more of us will spend some time bent over and desperately trying to act nonchalant as a rubber gloved physician turns us into Lambchop the handpuppet.) In fact, it is the far lesser of the two evils, if the other is a person getting on board an aircraft with the intent to harm.
If you travel often enough, you have no doubt streamlined your apparel choices, carry-on items, etc, in an attempt to hasten the process. Slip on shoes, liquids pre-bagged, no heavy jewelry to set off the detector.
Yet for every one of us who knows how to work with the system, there are five others who walk up completely clueless - jug of hand cream in their purse, bottle of water brought from home, power drill in their carry-on, satellite dish belt buckle, lace up boots, every piece of jewelry they have ever owned festooning thier ears, wrists, necks and fingers.
And they are the ones who invariably get into it with the TSA employees who are just trying to do the job for which they were hired: keep us safer in the air.
I have lost count of the number of cowboy-hat-wearing-hayseeds who have tussled with TSA over removing a WWF worthy buckle, putting said hat through the x-ray machine, or taking off their dung encrusted boots (which serves to highlight thier dungalicious feet.)
I have been trapped behind Grandmothers who not only bathe in Eau de Every Flower Ever Grown Since The Beginning of Time, but carry a full sized bottle in their kitchen sink purses which are carried in hands covered in gemstones and clunky metal from every significant event in their lives, and are filled with other verboten items like knitting needles, scissors, nail files, and a wrench.
I'm not kidding.
I actually once saw an old woman with a wrench.
Which makes the whole jewelry thing seem like small potatoes. After all, I highly doubt anyone's going to be beaten to death with a hairclip, or that any aircraft is going to be taken down by Grandma's sterling silver and garnet tiara. (Yes, I've seen that too.)
At least those come off easily, and can be placed in an x-ray tray with little commotion.
Not so with, um, other types of physical adornment.
Meet Mandi Hamlin, 37, of Texas. Mandy was preparing to board a flight from Lubbock to Dallas on February 24. She had passed through the large full body detector without incident, but was then pulled aside to be wanded by a female TSA agent.
No biggie. I've been randomly pulled out on occasion too.
As the wand passed over her upper torso, it started to beep. That is typically no biggie either, as many women wear underwire bras. Hamlin, however, was not being ratted out by her bra, but by her nipple rings.
She calmly explained to the agent what was setting off the device. No good. The agent called a male colleague over who informed her she would have to remove them.
This is where is gets dicey - and no, not just because I get colon cramps at the mere thought of having a piece of metal jammed through my nippleage.
Apparently, when one decides to embrace this type of enhancement, the healing skin and scar tissue can adhere to the ring, bar, Janet-Jacksonian-wardrobe-malfunction shaped piece of metal jutting through it.
Hamlin asked if she could step behind the partition and simply expose her breasts to the female agent who could then verify that the rings were, in fact, what was setting off the wand.
No good.
Pull 'em out or miss your flight, Mandi.
Well, behind the curtain, she did manage to extract one of the bar shaped enhancements, but the other refused to budge. At this point, Mandi was in tears, and explained that she could only possibly get it out with pliers.
VOILA. Pliers appeared (probably confiscated with that wrench) and she proceeded (accompanied by the alleged sound of the male agents snickering outside the curtain) to painfully remove the second one.
At this point, they rescanned her, and allowed her to pass through, despite the fact that was still wearing a belly button ring.
Now, obviously, this being America, things have turned litigious. Glora Allred, who inserts her obnoxiousness into the national camera lenses with as much regularity as a Metamuciled colon (or Al Sharpton), has taken up Mandi's case.
Do I think the TSA agents were a tad uncooperative?
Um. Yeah.
Mandi was willing to expose her naked, iron fortified breasts to a total stranger. They did not need to push the issue beyond that.
But do I think this needs pursued in a courtroom?
Um. No.
Despite the humiliation, the TSA agents were actually following a set of guidelines which does indicate that passengers "may be additionally screened because of hidden items such as body piercings, which alarmed the metal detector. If you are selected for additional screening, you may ask to remove your body piercing in private as an alternative to a pat-down search."
With Gloria's legalese, Mandi maintains she has "undergone an enormous amount of physical pain to have the nipple rings reinserted" because of scar tissue. Additionally, Allred writes that, "The conduct of TSA was cruel and unnecessary. The last time that I checked a nipple was not a dangerous weapon."
No, but big boobs are. As in the big boobs who were working security and decided to be that unbending. And now the mammoth boob who is representing Mandi, and bringing her "humiliation" to a whole new international level, when Mandi, herself, states she would simply like an apology.
Good luck with that Mandi. Allred has a reputation. You will certainly look back on this and know that "she came (and hogged the spotlight), and she gave (her legal expertise)". But no one has ever been able to sing about her, "without taking".
Seriously, I think I'd rather get my nipple, tongue, and kootch pierced than let Gloria anywhere near me. Much less painful.
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