"We are the world, we are the children, we are the ones who make a brighter day, so let’s start giving..."
Oh, um, hello. Didn’t see you there.
What?
Noooooooooo. I was not singing into my hairbrush. I was ... um ... well ... oh shite, ok, fine .. you caught me.
I admit it, I’m all caught up in the spirit of the evening.
Yes, it is going to be the Bataan Death March of shmaltz. Yes, I may well need three pens and two spirals to get through the copious amount of notes I’ll need to take. And yes, I full well realize that every single celebrity appearing on the show – while they may care about the cause – care equally as much about grabbing some prime face time in the process.
(I’m such a cynic.)
But all that being said, any night that contains Harry Potter, Borat, and Elvis Presley, is enough to make me wish the clock would move faster towards the opening credits.
So, did you vote? Or I guess, the correct question, considering the feedback in the comments today, should be, Did you try to vote? Considering everyone seems to have had little to no success getting through, even with the number of phone lines and voting hours doubled, it seems to bode well for snatching that $5 million from Rupert Murdoch’s change purse.
Personally, I encountered so many busy signals while trying to vote for my favorites, that out of desperation (and to make sure my phone was working), I called Chris’s number.
AND I &*^%$#@ GOT THROUGH!!!
%$#@#$^&%!!!!!!!!
I swear if he stays, I am holding myself personally responsible and as punishment will force myself to watch Curious George The Movie until my eyes bleed..
But let’s think positive, shall we?
(One sidenote: I’d really like to see Idol step up and do more than provide the venue and the copious self congratulatory back patting. According to a recent Forbes estimate, American Idol averages $30.58 million dollars in ad revenue each week. That does not include the God-knows-how-many-dollars they rake in during each American Idol Challenge @ 99 cents per text. So it seems like, if charity truly does begin at home, they should have gotten this ball rolling with a solid TEN MILLION DOLLAR pledge we viewers could add to.)
Sorry – bad cynic, bad cynic...
The night is going to be a long one (hope you brought provisions), so I’ll keep this intro short.
Here’s to raising money for a great cause ... now where’s Daniel Radcliffe??? This middle aged Muggle needs her some eye candy.
~~~~~~~
Blowing the intro to the celebrity pimpathon, Ryan has to restart... the kids all dressed in head-to-toe white, a costuming move usually not whipped out till the finale. He pontificates about the millions of families who congregate around the TV sets each Tuesday and Wednesday night, and how tonight we have the chance to do more than save our favorite Idol, tonight we can save lives because, like last night...
THIS. IS. IDOL. GIVES. BACK.
After muffing his intro, Ryan, dressed in a serious three piece suit and tie, spoke very deliberately about this being the "biggest American Idol show EVER" and that it will contain the "most shocking result in Idol history".
OK, I cannot believe for two seconds that I was the only one to immediately go – No one’s being voted off tonight – it’s the charitable thing to do, right?
But at that point, I was only guessing...
Ryan then stated that last night garnered over 70 million votes, thus putting News Corp on the hook for the full five million – way to go people! See? That carpal tunnel fingerdrome paid off!
Ryan then flashed the important number for the evening on the screen – 1-877-IDOL-AID, encouraging every viewer to begin calling immediately. Donations could also be done through AmericanIdol.com.
But Ryan. We can’t give until we have been enticed by celebrities.
And no, at this point, Randy, Paula, and Simon don’t count. They’re like the relatives you have to put up with on holidays – they’re family.
Our judging kin were in fine form tonight: Crazy Uncle Randy was wearing a silky shirt from the Paas Easter Egg Dye collection under his jacket; Scary cousin Paula appeared in too much hair, and too little to wear; and pompous third cousin on your Mom’s side (you know, the rich ones) was wearing a white shirt unbuttoned to show off his chest topiary, and a suitcoat.
With Ryan LIVE on the Idol stage, Ellen was holding down the overflow out at the Walt Disney Concert Hall, which is where the cameras headed next. She ran down the entertainment for the evening: Il Divo, Rascal Flatts, Kelly Clarkson, Annie Lenox...
She then began to sing her "life anthem", Shoop by Salt n Pepa – of course she was just joking around, but if you haven’t seen her do it in its entirety, I really feel sorry for you. It’s a priceless Mastercard moment.
She then introduced the first act of the evening, whose purpose was to keep we geezers happy: Earth, Wind & Fire!
Man, you gotta love that lead singer in his Reynold’s Wrap top and his Pirates of the Scaribbean braids. He was only outdone by the bass player (a distant relation of Paula’s, judging by the loopiness with which he frollicked) who was wearing a disco ball.
As a snowstorm of lights enveloped the concert hall, they dove into a medley of Boogie Wonderland, Shining Star, and September... sing with me...
Ba de ya - say do you remember
Ba de ya - dancing in September
Ba de ya - never was a cloudy day
Yep – ba de ya – takes ya back, doesn’t it?
Back in Idolland with Ryan, he launched into the first of too many videos of the night – Randy visiting New Orleans and those still struggling after Hurricane Katrina. I must say, the contrast in footage between when Idol hopefuls slept outside the Superdome for auditions in 2004 and the horrors both inside and outside that same dome one year later – was sobering.
As Randy said of visiting the largest FEMA trailer park in the US, "I couldn’t believe what I was seeing." Families crammed into unbalanced trailers, afraid of the crime, drugs, shootings going on around them, children with no safety, very little hope.
Sadder still was the devastated community center with no walls where the kids come together for movies, dances, etc.
Look, I believe in people taking ownership of their circumstances and not just standing with their hands out – you know that about me. But I have lived through my own hurricane – Iniki in ’92 – in which I lost everything but my husband, my then 4 month old first child, and the toilet of the house in which we had lived – it was still attached to the foundation. The hurricane – a solid Category 4 with moments that whipped up into Category 5 – took everything we had, even the carpet was ripped clean off the foundation.
I know how important the helping hands of strangers are when you are trying to regain your equilibrium and start completely over. So give. Whether it is to Idol Gives Back or to the Red Cross – GIVE. Because take it from me – you never know when you will suddenly be turned from a giver to a givee in the blink of an eye.
The next footage was of Quincy Jones, who wrote Time To Care for the kids to sing tonight, coaching them along around the piano.
As Up With People took the stage, the screensaver behind them played video of children in need.
OK, young Master Blake looks freaking resplendent dressed all in white – and LOOK! He showed his teeth again!; Chris, always giving the nod to Old Navy, managed to sneak a hoodie under his suit; Phil sported another newsboy cap, but far less paint in his eyebrows; Kiki, well, Kiki just looks terminally pissed off these days. Seriously girlfriend, if this whole fame and fortune gig is too much of an imposition, just say so (And don't start with the "She is separated from her child" thing. Lakisha's child - as are Phil's daughters - is visiting Mommy plenty. And besides, Keeks is on a national talent show by choice, not off being shot at in Iraq for a year); Jordin, as usual, was the highlight of this GROUP SONG; Although Melinda did herself proud too.
The song itself was not unbearable and the kids harmonized well.
Before the break, Will and Grace’s Eric McCormack appeared in the first PSA spot asking for pledges. Was it just me or did anyone else think he looked like he had just rolled out of bed? Loved his line, "If every person who has ever voted for Sanjaya gives just $1, we could do so much good."
Sanjaya liked it too. He was laughing harder than anybody in the audience, but then, the kid is well on his way to laughing all the way to the bank too. (Sidenote: It looks like his family has a history of yukking it up, all things made infinitely funnier and laidback by the 300 marijuana plants Mom was busted for growing in 2005 - even cyber-pet Shyamali was arrested for being in possession of not only a bag of happy grass, but the "smoking devices" as well. Now, the Ghanjaya jokes are way too obvious for me...no, I prefer the more subtle Sanjaya Malahookahr.)
Returning from the first ten commercials, David Schwimmer greeted us to make sure we knew we were watching Idol Gives Back. Um, yes David – and how much of that $1 million-per-episode-last-season-of-Friends are you donating?
Ryan then intro’d one of the funnier pieces of the night – Ben-I’m-The-Star-Of-Every-Hilariously-Stupid-Movie-From-The-Last-Decade-Stiller urging everyone to "get off the couch and call".
Our motivation?
Ben singing Reminiscing by The Little River Band until we phone in 200 billion dollars.
As he started singing, "Friday night it was late..." the following began to scroll across the screen: Please call 1-877-IDOL-AID AS SOON AS POSSIBLE...AND STOP HIM SINGING.
He didn’t stop.
The scroll continued... Please call 1-877-IDOL-AID IMMEDIATELY.
As Ben continued to Reminisce, we were taken on another trip to Africa, as children sang for Ryan and Simon. This piece highlighted the truly heartbreaking plight of a 12 year old boy and his sister, orphaned, living alone – 2 of 50,000 orphans fending for themselves in Kebira, one of Africa’s largest slums. These children are inspirational, even getting themselves to school each day.
Cut to Ben still singing, and then Teri Hatcher, looking a tad rough – Michael Jacksonian even – asking for pledges.
Forest Whitaker greeted us from Uganda after another break, then we quickly headed to the Couches of Carnage for the results – well, one sixth of them – this is a two hour show, after all.
Melinda – Stand – Melinda – Sit back down – you are SAFE.
Moving on.
Yes, it was that fast. More later.
The next footage was of Paula and her visit to a Boys and Girls Club. You know, not that these 4,000 facilities are not important, they truly are, but look – Randy goes to the Katrina devastation, Ryan and Simon hit Africa, and she takes a limo twenty minutes down the road?
Never mind – Paula aside – The Boys and Girls Clubs of America do provide a safe haven for children of all ages, giving them someplace to go after school, when they would normally be going back to an empty apartment or home – their parents working two and three jobs to, as one little girl said, "pay the bills".
Cut to Ellen introducing Simon’s posse, Il Divo, singing Somewhere. Man, those four guys sure do ooze the charm, the smarm, the hair gel...
And tell me that dude on the end doesn’t look like he ate Kevin Bacon?
They sounded great for those who appreciate the whole popera vibe, but my daughters took that opportunity to raid the kitchen for snacks and to let the dog out to poop.
The pulling of the heartstrings continued as the big screen behind the guys showed the words "Every 3 seconds, a child dies, in extreme poverty." Very effective combined with innocent little faces blowing out a candle.
As the guys finished up, the camera pulled back to reveal the audience using glowsticks to wave our pledges in for a landing.
Cut to Dr. Phil – my God – they are trying to cover every demographic possible, aren’t they?
The break brought us back to House soliciting money for drugs – wait, sorry, pledges...
Ryan then stated that "for the first time ever on American Idol" they were going to invite an audience member up on stage to introduce the next act – the chosen one being whoever would pledge $50. He then asked an intern for a seat number – B19.
Lo and behold, who beholdin’ that seat number but the one and only (thank God) Jack Black who jumped to the stage, his pants riding dangerously low around his asscrack.
He asked his stock question, "Are you ready to have your minds blown?" at which Ryan tried to ease him off the stage. Loved Jack’s reply: "No way, Cresty. I’ve been dreaming about this for so long."
Taking his chance to sing before the fabled Idol judges, Jack launched into Seal's Kiss From A Rose and my ears began to bleed from the vocal thorns. His Tenacious D partner in crime loved it through, waving his rose frantically in the air.
The judges interrupted; Randy said it "wasn’t happening"; Paula, to whom Jack said "network censor’s sphincter on full alert), said he was "crappy" and that "the School of Rock called, they want their diploma back."; Simon said he was "better than Sanjaya" (sadly, he was), and then Seal put in some face time to tell Jack, "I thought that was the best rendition of Kiss From A Rose ever."
Look out Heidi Klum – your man is a really good liar.
Jack finally spun off the stage singing Greatest Love of All (take that Kiki), and we headed back to the couches to tell Blake to STAND, no wait, sit down, You’re SAFE.
I wish we were getting frequent flyer miles for the repeated trips to the African continent because we then landed there with Carrie Underwood, who looked far too lovely for the locale.
The footage was all stirring, sad, moving, but I honestly felt a little uncomfortable at the obvious exploitation to film a music video which was going on as she lip synced to Stand By You – available now on iTunes!
I was, however, moved by the words Dymo’d on the screen at the beginning – every 30 seconds a child in Africa is orphaned by AIDS.
Another break and we returned to the concert hall and Ellen intro-ing Rascal Flatts singing My Wish. The guys are great – they always are, but what was Larry Birkhead doing playing bass? And why did the lead singer swallow Jessica Simpson’s dad?
Moving on...
Greeting the co-founder of MySpace.com, the world’s new cyber equivalent of the mall food court hangout, Tom Anderson, Ryan informed us that half of the night’s pledges would be staying in America to help needy organizations here at home.
Roll next video – this one of Paula talking over footage shot in Appalachia where the poverty is even deeper than the coal mines. In fact at one elementary school, "only 5 of the 233 families can afford the $1.50 per day lunch fee."
The old gentleman’s words probably rang the truest. He said that back in his day "you could have a strong back, and a weak mind, and get a job." But he readily acknowledged that for kids today, it is the exact opposite.
The footage moved on as a mother talked about not being able to read and being so proud of her children learning.
Yes, the accents and vocabulary are there for the picking, but do not expect me to make fun of those who struggle more each day than I have in my entire life.
Back in the studio, Paula stood on stage saying something – but I think we were all distracted by the fact that she had swallowed two large musk melons...
Another break and we came back to the FORD VOMMERCIAL – as if you thought they’d let us off with just THE. GROUP. SONG. Puh-leez.
This one was backed by the kids singing Crazy Little Thing Called Love, them bopping around in Ford Mustangs, and Freddie Mercury spinning wildly in his grave.
There was the highlight of Blake singing into a gas nozzle which immediately brought to mind the Orange Mocha Frappuccino Gasoline fight from Zoolander – that made me smile.
The vommercial ended with them at the drive-in watching a video of 26 stars singing and dancing to Stayin’ Alive...Stayin' Alive? On a telethon to keep children from dying from disease and starvation? A little indelicate perhaps? If they were going for tongue-in-cheek or foot-in-mouth or completely Sybil-esque, why not just really go for it? Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me or Live Like You Were Dying or Swing Low Sweet Chariot or Yes, We Have No Bananas?
Keira Knightley, Teri Hatcher (seriously, what was she on?), Rob Lowe, Goldie Hawn (who as she gets older and older, hides behind more and more hair), LeBron James, David Schwimmer, Gwyneth Paltrow, House, Helena Bonham Carter, Hugh Grant (looking like he’d been up all night cruising for cross dressing hookers), Sarah Michelle Gellar, Shaq, Dr. Phil, Ryan Seacrest, Helen Mirren, Twiggy, the Blue Man Group and Miss Piggy, Marc Anthony, Chris Katan, Lisa Kudrow, Jason Biggs, Mickey Dolenz!, Eric McCormack, Rob Schneider, Kirstie Alley, Kevin Bacon, Parminder Nagra, and a few others – YOU fill in the blanks...my hand hurts.
Back onstage, we took a brief trip to the couches to tell Phil he was SAFE – even Phil wore a look of "Duh, there’s still an hour left of this show" on his face.
More truly depressing Africa footage followed, this time highlighting the devastation of the AIDS crisis, including one woman who lives in a house the "size of a tent" with her own three children and TEN orphans (their parents lost to AIDS) whom she cares for.
All of the video was beyond sad – Simon again summed it up with "It’s just wrong."
Cut to Ellen talking about how $30 can buy the ARV drugs needed to help 10 children in Africa. She appealed to everyone – the well to do, and well to don't – to call in. She then challenged her "rich friends" by personally donating $100K of her own money.
Next up in the concert hall, a favorite of mine, Josh Grobin singing You Raise Me Up, backed by The African Children's Choir.
I love the song, love his voice, and when the kids began singing, I admit it – tears, smeared mascara, stuffy nose...they were adorable.
The next break brought us back to Africa, highlighting the malaria issue. It began with celebrities estimating the number of funerals they have attended in their lives – 2, 3, 5, 7...
Then a sweet African man in a Gilligan hat gave the number he has attended as 280.
280 funerals – many of those for children who have died of malaria.
But as I wrote last night, $10 mosquito nets can easily stop the spread, and less than $2 can provide the pills to save 4 children who have contracted it.
Malaria is not AIDS. We know how to treat it. And we definitely know how to prevent the spread. All it takes is money.
Ellen then intro’d the first American Idol, Kelly Clarkson, to sing Up To The Mountain. Forgive me, but it looks like lately Kelly has been up to the buffet. I know she has never been waif-thin, which is fine, but lord, she looked positively Mama Cass with all that extra poundage and a multi colored caftan that did not do her any aesthetic favors.
And was she wearing Kat / Haley’s old hair extensions? That was not her real hair.
As usual, she sounded strong, confident, and I truly admire her attitude. She knows what kind of music she wishes to make, recording company be damned, and she is proving the suits wrong with each hit single she releases.
Another break and we returned to find Ben still singing, and then Simon having been Simpsonized, singing Doncha, and then being fed to the lions.
At this point, I was getting too tired to be amused and my hand was beginning to cramp...
Cut to the couches where Kiki – who also knew that with fifteen minutes remaining, she must be SAFE too – was deemed ... SAFE.
More film of Randy displaying "emotional survival kits" for children in poverty – art supplies, toys, boom boxes – each one costing about $25.
Then finally Ryan said, "Prepare to be startled. Prepare for magnificence. Prepare for a duet you thought was impossible..."
Yes, Celine Dion singing with a circa 1968 Elvis Presley through the magic of digital imagery, CGI, and whatever other technology they threw at this to make it happen.
Now, it was obviously prerecorded, not LIVE, but it was still way cool. Celine worked well with the man who wasn’t really there, even holding a corded microphone to match E’s.
I did find it a tad schlocky – considering how degraded the recorded video of their performance was, that they tried to pass it off as a LIVE endeavor by making sure the kids, dressed in white, entered and sang off to the side - you did catch that Sanjaya was in the group in that shot?
Again, no matter – I love Elvis, appreciate the effort, and he completely outperformed everyone - no small feat for a dead guy.
Madonna, in a message recorded in Malawai (where she found baby David) urged everyone to give with the words, "You can save a life." (Fake British accent must have been held up at customs as it was AWOL.)
After ANOTHER break, Ryan informed us that the evening total thusfar, including corporate donations was nearly $30 million dollars.
But wait! This is still a results night which means we have to squeeze in the worthless American Idol Challenge question.
OK, fine – it’s not totally worthless. Each week there has been a $10K winner and the grand prize will be $100K, but still. I hate this grifting of the American pocketbook. I so wanted him to say that tonight all text message fees would be going in the Idol Gives Back pot. No such luck.
Tonight’s question: Who sang the final song in last season’s finale?
A. Taylor Hicks (Clue: He won)
B. Kat McPhee (Clue: She lost)
C. Elliott Yamin (Clue: He didn’t make it to the final two, why the hell would he have sung the final song??)
Ryan again flubbed whatever segue was supposed to happen, so he did an awkward throw back to Ellen who then intro’d Annie Lennox singing Bridge Over Troubled Water.
Look, I have never been a fan, in fact, the woman scares me. Hell, she scared her Eurythmics partner, David Stewart – she is just way dominating, and that voice? Scarily low.
As she sat at the piano, I was really worried that her left boob was going to jump ship any second, so I was happy when she got up and sang while standing.
Another break and look who is still celebrating Mardi Gras! Rob Schneider decked out in parade beads!
Back over on the couches, we were down to Chris and Jordin. Ryan addressed Chris first, declaring him SAFE.
Then stating, "I told you this would be shocking." he slowly said, Jordin – pause- pause- pause – you – pause – are – pause - pause - alsoSAFE. (all one word)
Poor Jordin was about to have a stroke. Seriously she looked like Justin Timberlake the day he got Punk’d by Ashton Kutcher – tears and all.
We all knew it was coming, but for Jordin, that was just plain cruel.
Ryan then explained that this week’s votes, all 70 million, will be added to next week’s votes and that next week, the bottom TWO will be going home.
This humanitarian moment led into the introduction of video of Bono meeting with the kids to talk about One.org, his charity, and to listen to them practice American Prayer. (At this moment, you just know that Chris Daughtry was sitting at home saying, "Bono? Bono? I get to meet Barry Freakin' Manilow, and Chris Richardson meets BONO?!?!) I did like that he tried to put them at ease with , "Well, you murdered that, didn’t you?"
They talked about the day he was in Africa and a man begged him to take his son so he would have a better life, a life, period. Bono did not take the child, but started the charity to help many more.
He then spoke about "the feeling of saving somebody’s life" being better than performing in front of 70,000 people.
This led to the kid assembled on the stage for the final GROUP SONG – American Prayer. Jordin kicked it off well, although she was still clearly shellshocked from the emotional fragging she just endured.
The song moved on – and finally the show was over.
Whoa. Wait. Hold up. Something’s wrong here. Where were the promised, hyped, promoted appearances by Borat and young Mr. Radcliffe? What a rip!
OK, fine. I’ll concentrate on it being better to give than to receive and go make a call to 1-877-IDOL-AID.
But I’m posting that picture again before I do. Hrumph.
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