Decoding Your PMS M.O. (MOODus Operandi)

Hey kids - I am firmly trapped on the sidelines of five soccer games this weekend, but on my way out to the next one, I wanted to leave you something fun.  And gents, it's not just for the ladies.  Read on and you just may come away a little more enlightened (and better equipped to protect yourselves!)  I expect to see some confessions in the comments upon my return...

~~~~~~~

Each month when the hormonal tide turns, even the most docile female is capable of morphing into a B-movie She-wolf.

When Premenstrual Syndrome strikes you, does your mood redefine the letters PMS to mean "Please Make Sense", "Prozac Means Serenity" or "People Must (be) Strangled"? Take this quiz and determine your personal MOODus Operandi...

One week before your period, you enter the grocery store and end up with that cart – you know, the one with the Marty Feldman wheels – one going left, one going right, one jammed up by a Navy bean. Your reaction:

A. Choking back tears, you continue forward through the store, mentally asking the Universe "Why me???", unable to make right turns, and using every bit of muscle in your body to keep from running into passing shoppers.

B. Calmly, coolly, you return the cart to the front of the store, find an employee and gently inform them of the offending piece of machinery. As you make your way towards the pharmacy, you turn and blow them a kiss.

C. As a combination of gunpowder and buckshot is released into your bloodstream, you spy a hapless Assistant Store Manager arranging a display of creamed corn. Ramming your steering challenged cart into the display, cans fly everywhere, while you shoot your mouth off at the poor guy, blaming him, the store, the cart manufacturer, God, your ex-boyfriend, his mother, and Karl Rove for the broken cart.

While watching TV with your boyfriend/spouse, you stretch awkwardly and mention your aching back. He does not get the hint that you desperately want a backrub. You say:

A. Please rub my back, don't touch me, I love you, you complete idiot, what would I do without you, get away from me, Do I look fat to you?!?!

B. Your touch always makes me feel so much better, will you please grant me the pleasure of one of your masterful Shiatsu massages, darling?

C.YOU TOTAL MORON! RUB MY $%@&$%@, $#$ BACK, RIGHT %^$#@# NOW!!!

Acknowledging to yourself that you feel touchy, stressed and a bit, well, bitchy, you decide that being quiet and not talking much is the safest bet. Your mate, unfamiliar with the "eye-of-the-storm", where all things are almost too perfect and still, asks the question, "What's wrong?". You respond:

A. By taking a deep cleansing breath, "I beg of thee. Please just leave me alone. This is not about you, don't make it about you."

B. With a slightly drunken slur, "Just a little PMSy. I would simply like to enjoy this bottle of wine alone. Be a dear and slink off and die." (You blow him a slobbery kiss as he departs.)

C. Through clenched teeth, "What's wrong? What’s WROOOOONNNGG??? You're an idiot, that's what's wrong! Look at the %$#@ calendar for once! See that black circle, the same one I draw for you every month at this time? Get out, GET OUT, GET OUT!

Your boss calls you into his office for your annual review two days before your period. Overall it is good, but she adds a few constructive criticisms towards future performance improvement. Upon leaving her office you:

A. Obsess to the point of tears over your obviously imminent firing. Then spend the rest of the day eating three tubes of Pringles, four Hershey bars, and a case of cola while surfing Monster.com for new jobs.

B. Use your entire lunch hour to find the perfect card – that yin/yang balance of brown nosing BS and Hallmark sincerity - to thank her for the thoughtful comments and past mentoring.

C. Tell everyone within earshot "What a great boss we all have!", then proceed directly to the parking garage where you let the air out of her tires, smear lipstick on the windows and pour sugar into the gas tank.

Stricken with cramps and bloating, you decide to spend the weekend curled up with your good friends, Thelma & Louise and Ben & Jerry. Just as the really good Brad Pitt scene begins, the doorbell rings - it is a salesman. He leaves your doorstep:

A. Shell-shocked as he tries to decipher the garbled words, "I DEEL FICK! CAN'T YOU JEOPLE TUST PEAVE ME ABONE???"

B. With a blank check. You just want him to go away. As he leaves you wish him well and blow him a kiss. (That may not be the case when you receive the four thousand pounds of fresh manure fertilizer you just ordered.)

C. In pieces. Your four letter laden verbal tongue lashing annihilates him. They find shreds of his polyester suit five counties away. No one interrupts you and a half naked Brad Pitt.

Your PMS M.O.

Mostly A's

Please Make Sense

Like most women, you experience the fluctuation in hormones as a combination of increased emotion and incoherent thought. It takes very little to get your tear ducts flowing and when they do your tongue becomes tied in knots just like your cramping ovaries. You have spent your adult life wondering how it is possible to go to bed one night and wake up the next morning bloated five pounds heavier. Do yourself a favor and investigate the world of over-the-counter meds like Midol or Premysin. And as for the bloating? Cut back on the carbs, salt and sugar a week before your period. This has been proven to make an appreciable difference.

Mostly B's

Prozac Means Serenity

Either you already medicate through this time of the month or you are lucky enough to enjoy a very small dip in your estrogen levels. For the most part you are able to maintain calm and rein in your irritable instincts. You know the problem lies within you, not the outside world, so why involve them? Your favorite PMS cure? Merlot, chocolate, and time, in equal amounts. This too shall pass.

Mostly C's

People Must (be) Strangled:

Like an tropical storm on the ocean, your emotional hurricane picks up strength and speed as the day draws near. You become overly sensitive, quick tempered and bloat by taking in every ounce of humidity within a 5 mile radius of your body. As far as you're concerned, anyone not smart enough to run for cover deserves what they get. For the sake of close friends, lovers, spouses, the world-at-large, you may want to discuss your severe symptoms with your gynecologist or family doctor. She may be able to recommend one of the new prescription PMS formulas and/or water pills, and one of those Hannibal Lector masks to keep you from chewing up the poor UPS delivery man.

Comments

[Lori in Texas]

Since I turned 18, I have been a Republican. However, I will be voting Democrat in the next election, UNLESS Hillary Clinton gets the Democratic nomination.

I seriously doubt that will happen, though. She is too polarizing, and the Democratic Party is well aware that nominating her will send hundreds of thousands of registered voters to "The Dark Side" (myself included).

Hillary and her skanky, disgusting spouse need to crawl back under their rock.

[Sandy in NC]

TJ - Holy Crap! We finally agree! I, too, would love to see a female President in my lifetime, but Hillary? No way. I refuse to vote for a woman just for the sake of having a female President and I hope if she gets the nomination, the American people won't either. As for women in combat? You won't see me there but I'm sure there are a few women who would pass your test. At least on THIS topic, you have credibility from having been in combat (unlike the entire PMS thing!) :)

MissyKissy - The thing about stereotypes is that there usually is SOME truth to them. But if men would just refrain from commenting on topics they have no actual experience about, the stereotypes wouldn't be so annoying. OK, OK - truce! Bring on the Hershey Bars, margaritas and AI recap, Linda! :)

[T.J.McCue]

Sandy, just a couple quickies. I would not mind seeing a woman president, BUT Hilary is not even a woman. She is a nasty wolf in a womans skin. As far as women in combat, Not now, not ever! I have been in combat and it is not a place for women. With very, very few exceptions. If you can have an eighty lb. pack and a 100 lb. barrel for a 50 cal. machine gun on your back and hump 7 miles, you have the job!

[missykissy]

Truce ladies? I really don't want to create enemies here - we are women, here us roar and all that happy fluffy stuff... Want to split a chocolate bar and wash it down with a margarita?

Seriously... What I love about this blog Linda is that you provide such thought provoking discussion. It's obvious there are vast and varying opinions here, sometimes we will agree to disagree and we will then wait with bated breath to see what your next thought provoking and/or amusing installment will bring. It really is a bright little corner of the web.

[missykissy]

Sorry ladies... I'm really not trying to ruffle the feathers here, I just really hate the stereotype of women who can't control themselves during their period.

As for the woman as president remark - I admit, that was below the belt, but that is what happens when we as women feed the stereotype. It's an utterly ridiculous statement, but one that can be argued by reading this blog entry and comments. Emotions and moods are not your own? If any politicians were reading this, they would have more than enough ammunition to state their case - the women here have proved it.

[Sandy in NC]

MissyKissy - Are you trying to score a date with TJ or something? Skill and sense have nothing to do with hormonal changes that a woman CANNOT control. Yours must be mild and good for you. But more severe cases of PMS feel like your emotions and moods are someone else's, your personality changes, irritability takes over, not because you feel crampy or bloated, but because your brain chemistry balance is out of whack! Skill and sense have nothing to do with it. Research, anyone?

P.S. Your woman as President comment - I hope the other Presidential hopefuls aren't reading this blog. Sounds like something a politician might use against Hilary or any woman running for President (or wanting to serve in combat or who know what else...)

[Linda Sharp on PMS]

Gee, let's see...

The Holocaust, all World Wars, every war since the beginning of time, including the current one, and a snake in the Garden of Eden (that's for you TJ) who never exactly came across to me as feminine...

Yep, those men are sure doing a bang up job of running this world.

Wouldn't want a woman to get in there and mess up their fine work with a little monthly bleeding and irritability, now would we?

(And for the record - the "crazy bitch woman with fangs" is the very small percentage of extreme PMS sufferers. As I stated - most of us recognize our symptoms and mitigate them by talking less, avoiding people, and cranking up the margarita machine.)

[missykissy]

Hey - I'm happy to be a woman, PMS and all (which I'm currently going through as well). And I thank God every month that He gave me the sense (skill?) to NOT turn into the crazy bitch woman with fangs like other women seem to be plagued with.

I guess based on this whole comment section, we should be thankful we don't have a woman as a president and hope we never do, eh? Lots of months in a presidency term...

[T.J.McCue]

P.S. Thank God that I am a GUY! YEEEEEEE-HAWWWWWWW!

[T.J.McCue]

Sandy, Sandy, Sandy, as it is true that we guys do not get to experience the pain directly. We get the end of the stick that has the fangs and the claws and the acid tongue that are connected to the pain and cramps! And I will have to say that we guys must be stupid, because we stay and stick it out. Thank God for bass tournaments!

[Sandy in NC]

TJ, TJ, TJ. Dude, you must LIKE the controversy you stir up! And free pass for men?! Ha! Your life is a free pass - your don't have to deal with PMS, menstruation, pregnancy, birth, menopause and all the other joys we women have been given. Again, I say, your LIFE is a FREE PASS! So if you have to deal with our moods - sorry, I'm not crying you a river. And like you said, you can "go fishin." We can't take a vacation from our bodies...

[Linda Sharp on PMS]

Sunshine - you people get a pass every day we allow to keep breathing and skidmarking your underwear.

And as for your 235 pounds? Your balls are well within striking distance.

[T.J.McCue]

P.S. Rudy does not weigh 235lbs. It would be easier to bitchslap him! heeheehee

[T.J.McCue]

Sis, I love you dearly, but blame it on mommy EVE for eating the apple! As I said earlier, it does not warrant a free pass to be a B....! If that is the case, when do we guys get our pass? I do have to admit, when that visitor is approaching, I feel a very strong need to go fishing!

[Linda Sharp on PMS]

OK kids - time for me to weigh in...

First of all - TJ, I love you, and if you ever need a kidney, I'm there for you, but if you were my husband and EVER spoke to me the way you speak to her during that time of the month (or ANY time for that matter), I would bitchslap your ass into next year.

PMS - irritability, hormones, cramps, headaches, etc, etc, etc - are all very real and vary greatly from woman to woman. They can even vary in the SAME woman from month to month.

When I begin to feel irritable - and it happens like clockwork each month - I make it a point to talk less, stay to myself to the extent my day makes it possible, AND breathe deeply when around the family.

BUT - without fail - and even with a huge black circle on the calendar, my need to be left alone flips an invisible switch in Rudy that makes him want to follow me like a puppy dog, hang on me like a wet rag, and ask "What's wrong?" till I finally explode.

Every woman is aware of her particular battles with her cycle each month, and to the extent we are able to mitigate it, we do.

But if you are too stupid, pig headed, or just plain arrogant to give us some space when we need it, you deserve what you get.

And as for the whole kidney stone debate? I've seen the pain up close and personal, having carried my husband's incoherent ass to the hospital on MANY occasions. I've also seen the freckle of "stone" that finally emerges.

For that kind of carrying on, I expect a rock I can mount on a ring. Squeeze a kid out your hole and then get back to me.

Oh, by the way, if you can't tell, I have PMS right now. So watch the replies. I bite.

[missykissy]

Sandy - Okay, we can agree to disagree...

Of course I don't believe that physical and true medical illness can go away by willing it away... (Are you saying that it's okay for women to be temporarily diagnosed with a mental health disorder once a month? If so, can we get government benefits? sweet!)

But I believe that temporary pain and raging hormones can be controlled with reason and manners that the average woman possesses every other week in the month. Alot of woman say they want to kill someone during their time of the month - yet they don't - why not? Could it be because it's illogical and sense of reason kicks in? If there is enough control to rationally realize that there are consequences of such irrational behavior, then why can't we all behave in a civil manner in general.

Of course there are actual physical and emotional changes in our bodies at this time - alot is changing! My only point is that for the average mentally healthy woman, we are in control our actions, regardless of which stage of the menstrual cycle.

[Sandy in NC]

MissyKissy - I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree. The medical profession isn't even sure what the heck really causes PMS but they do maintain that the hormone fluctuations case physiological changes, which cause the emotional changes. The irritability, crankiness, sometimes depression and even irrationality are caused by actual physical changes that cannot be merely wished away. Mind over matter doesn't work on medical conditions - if it did, wouldn't everyone be free of physical and mental illness just by willing it away?

[missykissy]

Ya, maybe I am lucky Sandy (though I'm not sure I would call it that hahaha).

Believe me, I do go through it every month, it hurts, I cry at commercials and I will eat my weight in chocolate. I agree with you in that everyone is different and has varying degrees of PMS - BUT I stand by my statement that we can control it. I believe anything is mind over matter... maybe we don't feel well, but it's not like basic logic and manners are temporarily erased from our brain cells.

[Sandy in NC]

MissyKissy - You must be lucky, then. Maybe your hormone fluctuations aren't that extreme. PMS encompasses a WIDE range of symptoms and varying degrees. It's really NOT just a case of mind over matter.

[missykissy]

I am going to be exhiled from the sisterhood lovefest here, but I'm a chick and I don't understand the lack of control when it comes to PMS.

Sure I get a raging case of it every month, the first day is a bitch, I can barely walk up the stairs without pain - but I always remember that it's my problem, not my man's. I don't take it out on him - nine times out of ten, he doesn't even realize I'm going through it unless I tell him.

It's not like the full moon is out and you turn into a werewolf people... TJ is right, we still have a brain to control ourselves.

[Katy]

Linda: Regarding the shopping cart, I would take it back, get another, but then wait to see who the next sap was that got it and watch in enjoyement to see how they would handle it - I guess my PMS is Pleasure being Mean and Sadistic!!

[Brigette]

Speaking of Lorena Bobbit... anyone hear the one about her sister? Apparently her sister got the same idea for her husband. Unfortuntely, when she went for the peter, she miscalculated her aim and ended up giving him a haircut instead. But not to worry, she was still punished and charged with a 'misdeweiner'.

[Amy in CT]

T.J. I've just got two words for ya...Lorena Bobbit

LOL

[Sandy in NC]

TJ - You're right - it's not a free pass but never underestimate the power of raging hormones. Very hard to control the emotions and impulses...Again, something you really truly cannot understand.

P.S. Lori is winning your pissing contest! hehe

[Lori in Texas]

Teej, my little morsel-pie, my cuddlicious snugglemuffin of loooooooove... how about PMS, a kidney stone, a foot broken five places, a fiberglass leg cast and a pair o' crutches?

[T.J.McCue]

Lori Sweetie, how about a kidney stone with a catheter! I think I would take some cramps over that!

[Lori in Texas]

TJ darling... how about PMS **and** a kidney stone?

[T.J.McCue]

Sandy, as I tell my wife all the time. "That time of the month may make you WANT to say something, but your brain still controls your mouth!" I am not saying a woman doesn't have some reasons for being mean at that time. But it is not a free pass to be NASTY! Try passing a kidney stone and then talk to me!

[marlo]

Nicely quoted Sandy in NC "Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid." I totally forgot that George Carlin sayings.

[Sandy in NC]

TJ, TJ, TJ! Hope your self-defense skills are still sharp from the Corps! You are just begging for incoming! I schooled my husband very early on - until you KNOW what the monthly hormonal-ness, pain and cramps actually feel like, you are NOT ALLOWED to say a word about it! It's worked for 12 years!

P.S. One of my all-time favorite George Carlin quotes:

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

hehe

[marlo]

Ok this one is too funny ;-) I'm not shy of giving my answers away:

Question 1: grocery cart
Answer C: Combination of gunpower & buckshots

Question 2: my aching back
Answer A: Please rub my back(Don’t touch me)

Question 3: Asking what’s wrong
Answer B:With a slightly drunken slur

Question 4: Overall work review
Answer C: 'What a great boss we all have'

Question 5: Brad Pitt scene
Answer C: In pieces. Your four letter laden verbal tongue lashing annihilates him.

So see that takes me for 3 c's- I am labeled as 'People Must (be) Strangled’. But overall- I just sit an realize that it's no one else's fault for my 'time of the month'- and not to be so uptight. ;-) I'm speaking for myself- and not accusing anyone here for being 'uptight' ;-)

[T.J.McCue]

Ladies, just remember who HAD to eat the apple! HA HA HA

[Nancy]

I am PMS #4--Possessing Mental Stability since I am full blown into menopause but oh the hot flashes!! I have saved money in not having to buy a sauna since I carry one on my body all the time!

[Audrey F]

Yeah, we should meet in VEGAS! We should be so lucky as to some strange swarthy gentleman would comment on our TEETS! Ha Ha! Of course he'd have to look pretty low to see mine these days! Ha!

[Audrey F]

Sandy,

I didn't have PMS until AFTER I had my five kids! So I get Mom of 5's perspective, somewhat. But it's a BEEEYYYOOOOTTTTCCCCHHHH NOW! Every now and then, I pray for the menopause Goddess to come and take it all away! Hopefully, I won't suffer with hot flashes...etc. and all that comes with it. I know that my mom didn't and my grandmother didn't, may I be so lucky!

[Sandy in NC]

Audrey! Let's get Linda to host a bloggers AI Convention next year so we can meet!

P.S. Mom of 5 - I would hate you on the no-PMS thing but you've been pregnant for almost 4 years of your life and have 5 kids so that's penance enough! :)

[Audrey F]

Sorry for the double post!

[Audrey F]

Oh yeah AND you get all the way home and discover YOU FORGOT THE STINKIN' TAMPONS/PADS..!!!!

[Audrey F]

SANDY!!! YOU ARE MY LONG LOST TWIN!! Linda, you forgot that AFTER you push the friggin' crippled cart into the back of your child's ankles, you proceed to fill it with the ENTIRE Hostess display, forget to get "regular, healthy food" for your family, and curse under your breath because you picked the shortest line, but there is ALWAYS a price check/new-hire-who-knows-nothing/old lady with lots of change/expired coupon lady/someone with a maxed out credit card with a thousand dollars worth of groceries/underaged checkout person who can't scan beer/man whose wife sent him to the store with a hungry two-year-old who is now screaming at the top of his lungs......ETC.!!You get the point, no doubt!

[Audrey F]

SANDY!!! YOU ARE MY LONG LOST TWIN!! Linda, you forgot that AFTER you push the friggin' crippled cart into the back of your child's ankles, you proceed to fill it with the ENTIRE Hostess display, forget to get "regular, healthy food" for your family, and curse under your breath because you picked the shortest line, but there is ALWAYS a price check/new-hire-who-knows-nothing/old lady with lots of change/expired coupon lady/someone with a maxed out credit card with a thousand dollars worth of groceries/underaged checkout person who can't scan beer/man whose wife sent him to the store with a hungry two-year-old who is now screaming at the top of his lungs......ETC.!!You get the point, no doubt!

[Jacque]

Well, being in perio-menopause, I'm living "C" day in and day out! My husband smiles at me a lot and doesn't say much except "thank you", "I love you" and through chattering teeth "No, I'm not cold!"

[Sandy in NC]

Mom of 5 - the relief is just the feeling that I have NOT turned into a monster permanently - that there IS a reason...the rest, just another one of the many joys of being a woman! :) At least this monthly "visitor" no longer brings along the ever-popular gut-twisting cramps that tormented me in my early 20s. Thank God for small favors...

[Mom of 5]

Linda, do you just think of these things on the soccer sidelines? You are hilarious! Don't hate me, but the only times I've ever really been truly hormonal was when I first am pregnant or when I stop nursing, which means I've been a nutso at least 9 times (still have a little baby). I learned after the first two babies that it's just to be expected, me being Irrational, Moody, Emotional, Abnormally Verbal, Hyper-sensitive, along with being alternately Ravenous and Nauseous. I just warn everyone around me not to take me too seriously and when they roll their eyes at me, to just do it behind my back lest I burst into tears or claw their eyes out...or both.

It helps that I've always had a low body-fat percentage, am pretty active (heck, with 5 kids you would be, too!), and usually go months between cycles. Otherwise, I might go crazy from the darn inconvenience! Sandy, you call it a relief??? What we go through as women, I tell ya.

[Sandy in NC]

I have to confess to Sister Mary Linda that I am all C - my poor husband and kids. It would probably behoove (love that word) to keep closer track and use the black circle, red X, D-Day calendar-marking system. Events at my house unfold like this:

1. I will go completely berserk over seemingly tiny things my daughter and husband do (or don't do, as the case may be.)

2. Then I feel totally guilty for being so mean, as I stuff my face with medicinal chocolate, wondering if I am completely losing it.

3. Then IT arrives and it's such a relief - Holy Crap, I'm not crazy, just hormonal! It's not MY FAULT - I cannot control it!

But there has to be a better way...

And so I vow, before Sister Mary Linda and all those gathered here, to mark the calendar TODAY and save my family from my PMS wrath next month...

P.S. These episodes have lessened after having my second child almost 2 years ago (9 years after the first one). Worked for me but I'm not sure I'd recommend a bouncing baby boy as a cure for PMS!! :)

[Doodles]

Hysterical! I vary between all 3 most months, sometimes all on the same day!