Don't Cry For Me, Rosie O'Donnell

The words sung by Eva Peron in the emotionally charged balcony scene of Evita have been looping through my head since Wednesday night’s American Idol audition showcase of wannabes from Seattle.

If you think I’m speaking of the line "Don’t cry for me, Argentina…", you’re only half right.

In terms of the thousands of "contestants", and I use the term loosely to describe the majority of people who turn out for the auditions, there is no need to feel sorry for them.

But here we are, only two shows in, and as has happened in every single season before, the public is up in armchairs about the treatment of the people who actually make it onto the screen.

What a pathetic bunch of hypocrites are we.

Yes, we.

Every season we tune in to these auditions shows by the tens of millions, and I’m sorry, but six seasons in, if we’re being totally honest, we all know why we do it. 

To laugh our collective asses off at the deluded, the tone deaf, the poorly dressed, and the flag carrying citizens of the land of Freak.

We know exactly what we’re in for, every bit as much as do the contestants who show up with stars in their eyes.

Yet every season articles abound decrying the "treatment of the singers", the "cruelness" of the judges’ remarks, and the obvious "ridiculing" of those with a less than pleasing personal aesthetic.

This season is no different, with the lion’s share of controversy now swirling around the two misfits from Washington state, neither a winner in the beauty pageant of life, and both obviously missing from line when God handed out performance talent:

Kenneth Briggs (real name is Michael Swale), who could have saved Peter Jackson millions of dollars in CGI effects by playing the role of Golum in Lord of the Rings, was not only lambasted for his total lack of dancing and singing prowess, but was also told by Simon that he resembled a "bush baby".

And Jonathan Jayne, the reincarnation of Chris Farley, right down to the XXL britches and the sniveling voice, was sent packing with a cutting remark about his obvious girth and inability to sing a note.

Both young men, and they are men – Briggs/Swale is 23, Jayne is 21 – have been loudly defended by not only the folks in the blogosphere and in editorial pieces across the country, but now by Donald Trump’s best friend, Rosie "My Mouth Doesn't Have An Off Switch" O’Donnell.

Yes, Rosie has once again abused her proximity to microphones and cameras, and has gone on the offensive, attacking American Idol, "Isn't that what America thinks is entertainment? To make fun of someone's physical appearance and then when they leave the room laugh hysterically at them – three millionaires, one probably intoxicated…it's terribly sad to me."

Yes, Rosie – but that has never stopped you from watching every single episode, has it?

Ahh, the sickeningly sweet stench of hypocrisy – sniff, sniff – smells a lot like my dog’s rear end after a good squat in the backyard.

Rosie and the rest of us really just need to sit back and enjoy the spectacle. We truly do not need to be attacking American Idol or defending those who it selects it highlight.

Kenneth and Jonathan are prime examples of why.

Both young men are getting exactly what they wanted out of their William Hungness – in the past 48 hours, they have both received a barrage of phone calls, interview requests, media opportunities, and in the case of the portly Jayne, an agent.

Yes, an agent.

This proves two things to me.

1. We do not need to cry tears for, or waste our moral outrage on the behalf of, any American Idol contestant.

2. There is no God.

I have stated before, and I will continue to remind every viewer, these people know exactly what they are doing. You don’t show up at an AI audition dressed as Apollo Creed, a cow, or sporting a hot pink sausage casing on your body, without serious motive and intent.

The motive? Facetime on national TV. Intent? Be as bad/freaky/mouthy/ignorant as inhumanly possible in order to make the final episode cut. These people sign releases, they have the process explained to them, they know exactly what they are doing.

And for Kenneth – I must pause here a moment to re-emphasize the fact that this is NOT his real name. Seriously, when you go on AI under an alias, your PR savvy is working overtime – and Jonathan, what they were doing has paid off.

Last night they appeared on Jimmy Kimmel. A Florida radio station and its listeners are paying for them to come down for a vacation and to sing at an event, and don’t count out a CD or three – need I remind you that William Hung is still a household name, still cranking out killer karaoke and still getting national facetime.

Still don’t believe you can stop wasting your umbrage towards the AI producers on their behalf? Well, take it from the boys themselves.

Briggs/Swale, "I knew he (Simon) would be cruel about my singing, but I didn't know he would be cruel about my personality and cruel about my appearance." But wait! Hold your cyberhugs, because he then added, "I enjoyed doing it. Would I change a thing and go back and not do it? No, I would do it again."

Jayne, taking a break from answering the phone and referring people to his agent (gag), "I think it was absolutely wonderful. I was just having a blast, and this is what you get for having a blast." And make no mistake, his intent is clear, "If you're going to make it in TV, the first time you're going to fail, the second time you're going to fail ...and the sixth time you're going to be a star."

Given his career dream is to be either a DJ (um- yeah - maybe on Radio Disney where his squeaky voice might fit in with Minnie’s) or a talk show host (Look at Rosie O’Donnell – anything can happen), his calculated appearance on American Idol just might have been the only possible path.

Maximum exposure, baby. That’s what it’s about for these people.  That, and to get as many people talking about them as possible.  For these two misfits prove out the axiom, "There is no such thing as bad publicity."

So, don’t cry for them, Argentina, or Arkansas, or any other area beginning with a letter of the alphabet. Don’t get drawn in to the thinking that they have been unwittingly exploited or used for others’ personal gain.

Because as I said in the beginning of this piece, the other words from that balcony scene are even more apropos than those:

And as for fortune, and as for fame
I never invited them in (yeah, right)
Though it seemed to the world they were all I desired(Ya think? Or should I direct all questions to your agent?)

Yes, Jonathan and Kenneth (or whatever the hell you call yourself this week), like Eva Peron – while thou dost protests a little too much methinks, the clock is ticking on your fame and fortunate break. 

But for we viewers, hypocrisy has no expiration date, no matter how much it starts to stink.

Comments

[elexx-lc]

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[Tori]

If anyone knows how to contact Kenneth Briggs plz email me at [email protected]

[Rosa McCauley]

ReSkOd Numerous honorary degrees; major thoroughfare in Detroit is named after her; SCLC sponsors an annual Rosa Parks Freedom Award; Spingarn Medal, NAACP, 1979; Martin Luther King Jr Award, 1980; Service Award, Ebony, 1980; Martin Luther King Jr Nonviolent Peace Prize, 1980; The Eleanor Roosevelt Women of Courage Award, Wonder Women Foundation, 1984; Medal of Honor, awarded during the 100th birthday celebration of the Statue of Liberty, 1986; Martin Luther King Jr Leadership Award, 1987; Adam Clayton Powell Jr Legislative Achievement Award, 1990; Rosa Parks Peace Prize; honored with Day of Recognition by Wayne County Commission; U.S. Congressional Gold Medal of Honor, 1999.

According to the old saying, "some people are born to greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them." Greatness was certainly thrust upon Rosa Parks, but the modest former seamstress has found herself equal to the challenge. Known today as "the mother of the Civil Rights Movement," Parks almost single-handedly set in motion a veritable revolution in the southern United States, a revolution that would eventually secure equal treatment under the law for all black Americans. "For those who lived through the unsettling 1950s and 1960s and joined the civil rights struggle, the soft-spoken Rosa Parks was more, much more than the woman who refused to give up her bus seat to a White man in Montgomery, Alabama," wrote Richette L. Haywood in Jet. "[Hers] was an act that forever changed White America's view of Black people, and forever changed America itself."

From a modern perspective, Parks's actions on December 1, 1955 hardly seem extraordinary: tired after a long day's work, she refused to move from her seat in order to accommodate a white passenger on a city bus in Montgomery. At the time, however, her defiant gesture actually broke a law, one of many bits of Jim Crow legislation that assured second-class citizenship for blacks. Overnight Rosa Parks became a symbol for hundreds of thousands of frustrated black Americans who suffered outrageous indignities in a racist society. As Lerone Bennett, Jr. wrote in Ebony, Parks was consumed not by the prospect of making history, but rather "by the tedium of survival in the Jim Crow South." The tedium had become unbearable, and Rosa Parks acted to change it. Then, she was an outlaw. Today she is a hero.

[Maria Sanches]

kuA4Vy First there is the need to find the real meaning life has for you. This journey we are all on is a varied one, for sure, but there are some similar things we are all going through.

Each of us, in our search for meaning in life, has a vast amount of experience to draw upon. Our struggles and hardship, along with our achievements and blessings, teach us life’s lessons. Your experience, your strength and the hope that endures are part of your unique story — and part of the reason why you should tell your life story.

The second primary reason to tell your life story is to leave your mark. We all want to be remembered. Certainly we want to be remembered for the good we've done and for the significant accomplishments in our lives. There is satisfaction in a life well-lived. Living a life fully... richly experiencing what it means to be alive and involved in helping others is a great thing. To share with others who you are, what you are about and what you believe in is passing on some very valuable personal history.

[Beth Sanders]

mD6imO First of all, there’s no one else like YOU—your story is unique and you can tell about people, times, and places that only YOU can share.

Why not tell your grandchildren about you….plus their grandparents, great-grandparents, and even their great-great grandparents (that’s

your grandparents)! It’s really about creating a loving, lasting bond—preserving not just life stories, but relationships, for

generations to come.

Of course, you can also give them your own advice about love, work, and how to lead a good life. Here was my grandma’s advice to me: “Be

what you want. If you do something, do it the best you can.” Because it’s my grandma, it means so much more. I’ll always be able to

remember what she said because it was actually written down. What’s your advice for your family? This is your opportunity to write it

down.

Reminiscing is good for you too! Over 100 studies over the last 10 years have found that reminiscing lowers depression, alleviates

physical symptoms (arthritis, asthma), and stimulates the hippocampus where memories are stored in the brain. So consider the great

health reasons for reminiscing too.

[Jill]

I have to say that I watch for the WHOLE thing. The trainwrecks and the real talent. My husband (and a lot of our friends) wouldn't even watch it if it weren't for the first 2 weeks. I also feel like these people know exactly what they are doing. They have free will and they all know what is in store for them when they audition.

[Kaonashi]

You hit the nail on the head Linda. It is about personal responsibility. These people go to the auditions out of their own free will. No one put a gun to their heads. Most likely they've seen the show before, so they should know what they're in for. I would never audtion for AI because I know what happens. I feel no pity for any of the contestants precisely because of this.

As for the concept that women or moms don't like the show because of its cruelty to these poor "children", that definitely doesn't apply to me or my mother. We watch the show every year, and we don't cry or feel offended when the contestants are humiliated on TV. Yet strangely my mom and I are well-adjusted women.

And as for Rosie O'Donnell, she should just shut her fat, hypocritical mouth. Who is she to rant about AI making fun of people when she insulted the entire Chinese community not too recently with her "Ching chong ching" remark, and wasn't even too apologetic for it?

[Linda Sharp]

Lori-

I watch on two fronts - 1. To recap the episodes and 2. As a fan of the show.

While I would still watch in order to recap, I can honestly say that these early shows would not hold as much interest for me if they did not take so many delusional people to task.

Again, there really is no "higher purpose" to these audition shows. They are shown for the "yuk yuk" value, for the laughs that inevitably come out of the audition process.

If the producers only wanted to show the public the best contestants, they could cut straight to the Hollywood rounds, intersperse those with snippets of the good contestant auditions, and move forward from there.

And lose an entire month's worth of ad revenue in the process.

Whether a person enjoys these early shows or not is a personal choice. As is the decision by these "contestants" to stand in line for two days for the chance to whore themselves out for a shot at national exposure.

But I have to continue to state: After five full seasons of AI, the contestants AND the viewers all know exactly what to expect.

And if these early shows truly bother some people, then they simply shouldn't watch them and wait to tune in till Hollywood week - or even until a final 12 are carved out. Hollywood week still showcases cringe worthy, armchair squirmy moments.

I guess, for me, it all boils down to what I always stress in my writing - PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY.

If you dump hot coffee on yourself, DON'T SUE MCDONALDS.

If you don't want to be displayed on national TV in a less than flattering light - DON'T AUDITION.

And if you don't want to see people suffer a little self inflicted humiliation, DON'T WATCH AMERICAN IDOL AUDITIONS, or FEAR FACTOR, or SURVIVOR, or THE SURREAL LIFE, or BIGGEST LOSER, or TRADING SPACES, or WHILE YOU WERE OUT, or THE BACHELOR, or JEOPARDY, or THE PRICE IS RIGHT, etc, etc, etc.

These shows all prey on one human frailty, failing, folly, or another.

The remote, as is the choice, is in your hands.

[Lori in Texas]

Linda - Can I ask a serious question? If American Idol stopped showing all of the trainwrecks in the preliminary auditions (or cut them down to a minimum), would you stop watching the episodes? Would you enjoy them less? I know they wouldn't be as much fun to recap, but would it make you stop watching the show if they changed the format and focus? Or would you watch less of each episode?

I'm asking because I've talked to a lot of people in the last week about this, most of them women/moms who are HUGE Idol fans. And, unanimously, they all said they would be *more* inclined to watch if the producers stopped showing the "joke" auditioners. And they all, unanimously, said they would enjoy the show more if the "jokes" weren't highlighted.

I'm going to ask another group of moms - a much larger group with a wider demographic - and see what their thoughts are, too.

I just wondered what your take, as a fan, would be....

Thanks!

[Rose Marie]

I have to say that the young man put me and my son in mind of Golum,,just the eyes,,his eyes were very unusual but I hasten to say he did not look like an animal,,I felt sorry for the little fella,,with this unusual look I am sure there would be a place for him in the movies,,he certainly was animated,,

[Linda Sharp]

As always, thanks for your thoughtful comments Lori!

Unfortunately, it really is not the first year this same scenario has made national headlines. It happens this time each year, last time around it was spurred by Simon's remark when Mandisa entered the audition room, "We're going to need a bigger stage."

The hoo haa was just as grand, everyone talked about it, everyone wrote about it. Rosie even attempted to chime in , however, a year ago she simply did not have the same media access she is currently enjoying.

I believe if I feel sorry for anyone - and I refuse to feel sorry for the Seattle boys - they are LOVING their moment in the sun and as long as they are in on the joke (which they are), then they can milk their 15 till the udders fall off - rather I feel sorry for the ones you mentioned...the folks who actually can carry a tune, but who refuse to stand in line with the thousands of trainwrecks just trying for screentime.

I think many truly good singers are passed by in the initial screenings each year in order that the Jonathan Jaynes & Hotness freaks can get upstairs to the cameras.

But with AI raking in hundreds of millions in ad revenue each season (30 second spots this season go for $600K)? The producers would be fools to mess with such a cash cow - no matter how sour the milk is to some of the viewers.

[Lori in Texas]

I guess my husband and I are not typical Idol watchers. We watch the audition shows every year, but every year we dread the bad singers. When a truly awful singer comes in, I tend to leave the room - literally. I just can't stand it. And this year, I've noticed that I've left the room more and more - and that's not a good thing. But we continue to watch to see the good ones who get through. Yes, I suppose we could choose not to watch the auditions at all, but we don't like missing the first auditions of the eventual winners. I just don't think the audience would disappear if the producers chose to show the good singers. I don't mean only showing the ones who get through - not at all. But surely they could put together a 2 hour show out of good singers. We already know that the judges hear a lot of good auditions, but they don't all get through because they're not good enough for Hollywood. I'd personally prefer to see the ones who were ALMOST good enough - and see the comparison between them and the ones who do get the nod for advancement. I think it would be a more entertaining show.

Right now, the auditions shows are painful to watch. As a mom, it hurts me to see thses kids being humiliated. I don't care if they sign a hundred release forms and have watched the show every season and know what they're getting into. That doesn't fly with me. No one is laughing WITH these kids... they're laughing AT these kids and it's being served up as "entertainment." Yeah, those two boys have agents and were on Jimmy Kimmel... they were on Jimmy Kimmel so that his audience could laugh at them some more. They have agents to market them as humorous and pathetic people. OK, so they get some money and that's fine... but do these kids really realize that they're not entertaining?

Another TV show host (not Rosie O'Donnell) compared the audition shows to the old state fair freak shows from many years ago. Fairs would hire people who were weird, odd, deformed, etc and then sit them up in tents so people could come and stare at them. The "freaks" made money, sure, but they were objects of curiosity and disgust. I honestly don't see the difference between those old-time freak shows and the prelim AI auditions.

To me, it's ugly and distasteful. And as a huge AI fan, I feel like I have the right to an opinion. I love the rest of the show - all of it from Hollywood on. With the exception of Paula Abdul's drunken blather, it's a classy show. Why can't the producers listen to the fans who *don't* like the auditions and make a change for the better?

If the producers stopped showing the trainwrecks and concentrated on the good singers, then the trainwrecks would stop showing up and wasting our time and (more importantly) the judges' time. I know a lot of singers in the Dallas area that could have a great shot on AI, but they won't bother auditioning because of the huge crowds of non-singers (fame-seeking morons) that choke the queues every year. If the non-talented fame-whores realize that their 15 minutes aren't coming, they won't waste their time anymore and legitimate, talented folks will be more inclined to show up.

I think one of my biggest complaints is the fact that every single one of these people has to go through several pre-judgings before they get to the Top Three. If the singers are horrible, then they should be weeded out before getting to the Top Three judges. To send them on for "entertainment" purposes only makes me suspicious of the whole preliminary process. Only the best of the best should end up walking into the room with Paula, Randy and Simon. Not the dregs of the dregs.

Sorry for the novel, but this is something that really bothers me - and it's bothered me for years. This is the first time, however, that it's made national headlines and, to be honest, I have to thank Ms. O'Donnell for that. Like her or not, she seems to speak for a vast amount of voiceless people who share her views but have no platform. I'm behind her 100% on this.

Love ya, Linda!!!! :)

[SFJim]

p.s. ;-) O'Donnell doesn't watch eary Idol shows. She was given a clip to review prior to going on air to provide her view. I am not a rabid Rosie fan.. but I was home sick this week and caught those shows. I think in this case...she was doing her job. Joe Scarborogh said the same thing.

[SFJim]

Couple things...1) Rosie is on a show called The View. She is paid and given topics to discuss so as to provide..her view. Whether u agree or not. 2) At least one of those two "men" - as u put it - looks like he may have some mental challenges whch would prevent him from an informed decision re: his talent. 3)Slagging someone off on Natl TV with those challenges reduces us as people.

[Linda Sharp]

P.S. reply

Believe your eyes, Lori.

Rosie O'Donnell started the whole poo slinging with Donald Trump. I don't feel sorry for either of them. They are both media trainwrecks. The problem with Rosie is that she is eternally angry. That is where she lost her credibility with the public.

I don't expect her to be the "Queen of Nice" - she pretty much put paid to that moniker ages ago, but these days she abuses her access to the microphones and TV cameras.

And yes, you're right, I have very strong convictions too. The difference is that I own up to being wrong, and in the case of today's article, hypocritical at times.

Rosie leaves no room for any opinion other than her own.

And as for why I did not chime in on the whole Donald-Rosie thing when it was at its height? Some topics are just way too obvious.

[Linda Sharp]

Lori-

Sadly - I think the ratings for the audition shows would reflect a serious lack of interest should they only showcase the ones who get through. Plus, they simply could not sustain two hours with 14 golden tickets.

The audition shows are ratings gold mines because the producers learned early on that the unwashed masses WANT to see the hideous and heinous. That's why they give ten minutes to "The Hotness" and ten seconds to the majority of people who actually make it through.

The good people get their 15 minutes in the upcoming weeks and if they are really good, they get their 15 WEEKS.

My advice to anyone who truly has a problem with these early shows is to simply not watch them. They are meant to be spectacles, nothing more, nothing less.

[Lori in Texas]

PS - I'm genuinely shocked to see you jumping on the "Let's Slag Off Rosie O'Donnell" bandwagon, Linda! The two of you share astoundingly similar views, are equally opinionated and are equally vocal. When I saw that you had taken an attack-stance against her, I could hardly believe my eyes!!!

[Lori in Texas]

I watch the prelim audition shows to see the best singers in their first auditions. I hate the bad singers - they are painful to watch and I don't enjoy any of it. As a faithful AI fan for lo all these many years, I would MUCH rather see the *good* singers who audition. I would rather watch an hour or two of contestants who were good, but not good ENOUGH for Hollywood. You wouldn't hear a single squeak of complaint out of me if we never saw another William Hung & Co.
For the last three years, I've written to the AI producers and asked them to stop showing the horrible auditions and concntrate on the good - better - best auditions. Obviously, it hasn't happened.
Do you really think AI would lose viewers if they showed the good singers and not the bad ones? Personally, I don't think the ratings would change at all.