There was an unusual news blurb today out of Beijing.
It seems a young boy, age 4, was frightened by the sound of a barking dog. He, in turn, began screaming.
Not so unusual, you say? Big whoop, you snort.
Well, I’m with you in terms of that basic information. Hell, depending on the size and breed of the dog – a rabid Rottweiler with anger management issues, for instance - , I’d probably start screaming like a, well, a 4 year old Chinese boy. After I finished pissing myself, of course.
But wait – what makes this story newsworthy is that the child decided to have his prolonged fright fit next to a farmer’s henhouse window.
Killing 443 chickens inside.
I’m not kidding.
And according to court papers – you didn’t think we Americans were the only idiots that sue over everything, did you? – "the only unexpected abnormal sound" was that of the child, and that "the 443 chickens trampled each other to death in fear."
Apparently, screaming at a henhouse is the barnyard equivalent of shouting "Fire!" in a crowded auditorium.
The child’s father has been ordered to pay the poultry, wait, sorry, paltry sum of $230 in compensation to the owner of the fatally frightened feathered friends.
Now, as to your obvious next question, "What the hell could this possibly have to do with American Idol?"
Not a damned thing.
No, wait – that’s not true. It actually got me to thinking that human beings must have a much better tolerance for aural assault than livestock. I would have thought that we’re not that different from chickens. Look at Kevin Covais for God’s sake.
Seriously, chickens, like human beings, consider eating to be the main activity of their lives. The word buffet mean anything to you? They like to gather in groups and cackle – karaoke ring a bell? Chickens observe social stratas – where do you think the term "pecking order" comes from? And as far as sound - I would have thought that noise is noise - have you ever heard the racket a bunch of chickens create when the farmer is a tad late with the feed bucket? Kind of like a gaggle of slobbering humans when the Krispy Kreme machine is running behind.
But given the horrendous auditions we have been subjected to for six straight seasons now, I guess we humans have a much higher threshold for eardrum abuse than does a bucket of KFC. Either that, or human eardrums, like leather, get toughened by time.
That must be it. For if a small child can, just by virtue of his disturbing vocals, drive a bunch of chickens to homicidal insanity, you would think that The Hotness, Apollo Creeds 1 & 2, Trista I-Am-The-Cowardly-Lion Giese, and the screamching of Brenna Kyner in Minneapolis would have caused a similar incident in someone’s living room by now.
Yes, we humans are a sturdy lot. We can take an awful lot of crap before we resort to mental bungee jumping and panic. But just in case someone in your home should snap during a particularly painful rendition of Somewhere Over The Rainbow, resulting in a stampede in your foyer, know that the legal precedent has been set today in Beijing…and those AI producers are only on the hook for $230.
Now, onto the recap…
The show opened on infamous Times Square, having not visited NYC since Season 3. And the home of Ellis Island was ready with an audition melting pot – The hot, the not, the fat, the phat, the freaks, the geeks, the bad, and the BAD, the pierced, and the piercing.
The judges arrived to start the proceedings and - WAIT! Who’s that? Joan Collins is guest judging American Idol? No, wait – it’s legendary singer/songwriter Carol Bayer Sager, who looks like she has had a legendary amount of plastic surgery. Seriously, I was waiting for Linda Evans to show up and start a Dynasty style catfight over who has the biggest shoulder pads…
(You kids born in the 80's: Don't let the joke be lost on you. That's what Google is for. Go type in Joan Collins - we'll wait here for you.)
Well, despite the frozen nature of her facial muscles, Carol Bayer Sager still knows how to flex her musical pecs – having been a force in the business for 40+ years. As far as truly talented guest judges go, she’ll make Jewel look like…well…Jewel.
Up first in Ian Benardo – I know this because he vainly has his name emblazoned on his t-shirt. Decked out in jeans, a chinchilla stole (which looked more like faux hamster), a cape, and what looks like a surgical headband (fresh from his lobotomy possibly?), Ian is a reality TV audition veteran, having made a complete ass of himself on So You Think You Can Dance already. So now he thinks he can sing.
This child needs someone to throw a net over him. Prancing, gesturing wildly, badgering every person he passes on the streets, he proclaims, "I will not stop till I am a household name."
You mean like Preparation H? I could use some because you are already causing a pain my ...
Pointing to his face, he continued, "When America sees this, they’re going to forget about Taylor-who?, Carrie Under-where?, Fantasia-when?"
Yes, Ian – short term memory loss is a common symptom of post traumatic stress.
In the audition room, he explains to the judges that American Idol would be a nice addition to his resume of "superstar, dancer, singer…", therapy frequent flyer…
He launches into Gloria, complete with New Yawk accent and New Yawk bravado, and as he’s "cawling, cawling, cawling Gloriaaaaaaaaaa", I am hoping that someone on security is cawling the men in white coats.
Obviously the judges wanted him gone, but in retaliation, Ian played his I’m-an-American-taxpayer card (I would love to know what he does for a living besides make my ass hurt.) and demanded to see Simon’s working Visa.
Escorted out by security, Ms. Minnelli kept ranting, "This is the most ridiculous thing ever." Which was the first thing he got right.
Finishing up with a threat to call National Geographic and alert them that the Do-do bird is alive and well (Simon), I was left thinking that the Don’t-Don’t bird is an all too common species at these auditions.
Thankfully, Liza huffed and fluffed out of the building.
Up next was Sarah Briggs, 19, a weepy young lady who had lied to her parents in Ohio and skipped town to head to New York to audition. She teared up as she talked about how she just wants her dad to be proud of her, but how she doesn’t live up to his expectations.
Listen, I’m not defending your closed minded father, Sarah, but speaking as a parent, going three states over and lying about it is certainly not a trust builder in that area.
But Sarah has a dream and is old enough to pursue it, so here she is in New York City. A beautiful girl with blue Hula Loops hanging from her ears.
Singing Call Me, she helped erase the mental bruising caused by Ian and his chinchilla. She was really very good. Simon liked her, Randy said she had a "different kind of voice", Carol just wanted Daddy to eat crow, and Paula was "proud of her.
Ryan did the dialing honors as Sarah weeped, then listened as she said, "Please don’t be mad at me, Dad."
Priceless response. "Who is this?"
Sarah brought him up to speed, Dad is proud, more tears, hugs from Ryan. Happy ending – though I would stress to young people everywhere – lying and running off to the big city is not usually a formula for fabulous things to happen.
Coming back from the break, I am dismayed to see Constantine Maroulis smearing up my screen. Great. Do you know how hard it is to clean his greasy smarm off a plasma?
The next contestant is Fania Tsakalakos, starring in My Big Fat Greek Wackjob. A singer and dancer (um- yeah), she is wearing a housedress, leggings, and flip flops (I didn't know Capezio made flip flops), but what she really needs is some Windex to spray on that big chimple (chin + pimple) (it clears up everything, remember?).
Her attempt at Africa by Toto is only half as bad as her dancing, which is abysmal – or as Simon called it all – appalling. No’s abound and she attempts to leave with dignity which is robbed from her courtesy of the evil locked left door.
Back for another try at stardom, Ashanti Johnson has tread the Idol road before, with no great measure of success. But she is 28 now and knows this is her last shot to sell her soul to the devil and appear in weekly Ford ads.
Ashanti is a beautiful girl, with great attitude, and her rendition of Loving You was good (until they let her go all the way to that all time hideous screeching note – I swear I heard chickens begin to panic)
The judges were very apologetic, but firm in their No’s, even when she began begging, "I know that you know…you know… you know, you know…" and "I believe in the depths of my soul you don’t have this right."
Ahh, if they had a dime for every contestant who thought that, Ashanti. Wait, they do. Bad example.
Simon finally had to cut her off, and down, with "Get over it." before she would leave. Ouch.
Listen, sometimes you just have to rip the band-aid off. It’s the easiest way. Otherwise you spend a half an hour pulling your arm hairs out one at a time.
AFTER. THE. BREAK. I momentarily thought my satellite had switched over to the Maxim Channel because there were two bikini clad girls frolicking in the Long Island surf.
But no, it’s just best friends Amanda Coluccio and Antonella Barba, "You’re great! No you’re great! Oh my gawwwwwd!"
These two rocket scientits – wait, sorry – scientists believe that this year, "American Idol should be, like, two people this year!"
Oh my gawwwwwwd, just shut up and sing, please.
They both ended up in the audition room at the same time, gave Simon an immediate woody (they are beautiful girls), and then attempted a duet, which was a bit of a mess, not that Simon noticed, because, well, he had a woody.
Amanda then sang Crazy solo, and while she is not Patsy Cline, who cares, because she’s hot. Actually she’s a pretty darned good singer too.
Grabbing her golden ticket, she bolted from the room to show her family, leaving Antonella to face the judges alone. A gorgeous girl, with an even more gorgeous voice, I was impressed. She was told Yes as well, and it will be, like, very interesting to see how these best friends, like, fare in Hollywood.
Clifton Biddle was next, a self described "average Joe" who just likes to "make people scream". I don’t see that – in fact, he had a definite Rainman-esque quality about him. Something. About. The. Way. He. Talked.
His version of ZZ Top’s Tush (I always thought you pronounced it toosh, not tuhsh) was painful and when asked to sing something else, he played the harmonica?
Moving on…
A string of No’s was highlighted by: Phillip Burton’s mouth which was easily the size of the Lincoln Tunnel; Neil Armstrong; Jose Vadell – a Hispanic Leprechaun; and William Van Stoned – er, Stone butchering the first Selena song of the night.
Obviously, having done penance by sitting through all of those, it was time for a reward. It came in the form of Kia Thornton, understated in her black top and jeans skirt, which made it easy for her voice to take center stage on Ain’t No Way. I was impressed – taking on an Aretha song is a huge gamble, but it paid off for Kia – she has a solid voice which made even jaded Simon remark, "Wow – this girl can sing."
Day two dawned with the arrival of Joan Bayer Collins again – I’m sorry, people, but the only portion of her face that moved were her lips – I’m not sure she can even blink. Simon, however, was AWOL for the morning round.
First up was the immediately likeable Henry Bejarano, age 16. A handsome looking young man with chiseled features and a Calvin Klein-underwear-model body, he was composed, mature, and confident.
Singing I’d Give Anything To Fall In Love – it’s not hard to see that that is exactly what millions of young girls will do when he hits Hollywood. The only oogy part of his audition was Paula. When he finished singing, she was practically licking the table – steady Paula, he’s illegal in most states, and besides, I daresay his no nonsense Bolivian mother would kick your ass if you touched him.
We were treated next to the bouncy energy of Nakia "Little Shirley" Clairbone – a bundle of "guts and gusto". She jumped into Dancin’ In The Streets and the judges said she was "infectious" (The kind that's good to spread around). I liked her and really thought she sounded aiight, but then they asked her to sing something slower and she went on to carve up Selena’s Dreamin’ Of You.
Where did her voice go? It was truly awful. And we all were reminded that charisma and attitude can mask a shaky set of vocal cords – Brenna Gethers ring a bell?
Sarah Goldberg, an urban assault cowgirl was in next. Dressed in a red cowboy hat, army green vest and pants, an olive tank and boots, she continued the Selena massacre (I’m sure Mr. Quintanilla was questioning releasing the songbook to AI at this point) with Dreamin’ of You.
Carol gently asked the girl, "Do you, in your heart, really think you can sing?"
"No."
Well, at least she’s honest. They then asked her the obvious, "Why are you here?" and it all went downhill faster than freshly waxed snowboard.
"I’m not a singer" (Um, yes, we have established that.) "I really love to sing. Friends make fun of me because I’m tone deaf." (Friends should be honest.) "You can teach me how to sing. You don’t have to sing to be an American Idol." (That’s true. You can excel at turning left on a NASCAR track, or save your platoon in Iraq, but on this show, you do have to sing. But when we begin to produce I Just Want To Be Famous!, we’ll definitely give you – and Ian - a call.)
Unfortunately, Sarah did not take the rejection, or the locked left door, very well, and began a tirade which included "Bill the security guard" and tales of "these people" (the judges) being out drinking till 3 in the morning – something they’ll probably repeat to dull the memory of your audition, Sarah.
Simon shows up just in time for Dapper Dan, aka Antonio Torres, Jr, 47, to get past the age censors and serenade them with that old classic, New Yor, New Yor. What th hel?
Jory Steinberg, a pretty girl from Ottawa, showed up wearing a Roman shield – to protect her from possible rejection? She didn’t need it, as she slayed the judges with her version of Chains. It was truly an amazing vocal and I can’t wait to hear her again in a few weeks. She made it through, but being a normal person, only rated about one minute worth of footage.
Not so, American Idol soldier Porcelana Patino – a young girl who has spent the past year running, working out, practicing, losing weight – everything except learning how to dress – to get ready to audition.
Her name might be Porcelana, but when she walked into the audition room, two other names came to mind: Shakira and Britney Spears – and she was a mangled mess of both.
Shakitney was dressed in jeans from the Whitney Houston Crack Is Whack collection, a teensy tank top, and dog tags. Her hair looked like it had been on a three day Las Vegas bender with Paris Hilton.
And then, dammit, she started to sing...and she was good.
Fine. Come to Hollywood, but please, dear God, don’t bend over – my kids are watching.
Another break brought us back to some more filler in this bloated burrito of a show – this time in the form of unpronounceable, mispronounced, and just plain strange names. And wait – back up! Carol must have had even more surgery because she morphed into Olivia Newton-John!
While the producers review their really bad editing (Ms Newton-John doesn’t guest judge till next week), we move on to Christopher Henry, who looks as much like Simon Cowell as I do.
Singing Before Your Love, I was shocked. Kelly Clarkson sounds more like a man than Christopher does. Seriously, close your eyes and rerun his audition, you would bet money you are listening to a woman.
Of course, Simon could not resist telling him he "should be singing in a dress and stilettos", which set Paula off (ok, more off than usual). Christopher completely acknowledges he sounds like a girl, however, so no big hurt feelings this time. Maybe he can get an act together with the guy from last season who sounds like he ate Cher?
Young Rachel Zevita, an opera student, came next. Decked out in shades, an LSD headband, complete with an Indian dream catcher woven into her hair, and tons of attitude, she reeked of Mikayla Gordon, with one difference.
Rachel can sing.
Anything according to her. And I believe her. She can sound like Janis Joplin one moment and move straight into operatic diva territory the next. We’ll see how she does in Hollywood where she is determined "to break the south’s hold on American Idol."
Needing to milk the advertising udders for more cash, the two hours are further inflated with a medley of contestants offending Lionel Ritchie with All Night Long. He should really think about suing a few of them – the screaming guy with the big yellow "A", which obviously stands for a**; Ian Minnelli who showed up again; Dorothy in drag. (And people think the flying monkeys give kids nightmares…)
Christopher Richardson, 22, and no different that any other generically handsome young guy you’d find working at Abercrombie & Fitch or Dave & Buster’s, certainly sets himself apart when he opens his mouth. Singing Song For You, Randy compared him to Justin Timberlake and Simon believes Chris is "somebody who could surprise us." We’ll see…
Another break brings us back to Nicholas Pedro, a familiar face from Season 5. He had made it all the way to Hollywood last year, but the pressure of having to sing that intricate love ballad "Buttercup" proved too much for him and he withdrew from the competition.
But the judges were feeling Trumpish and decided they believed in second chances, so they are giving American another opportunity to Vote For Pedro. See you in Hollywood – again.
Only one audition left and from the way they have hyped it all through the show, you know it is going to be a doozy.
Isadora Furman, is a real life Phoebe Buffet. She marches to her own drummer, sings to her own guitar, dances to her own hallucinations. Shown in video playing her guitar on the street, she is decked out in a silver cowboy hat, black skirt, white socks, and sandals – I fully expect to hear her belt out Smelly Cat anytime.
Maybe she should have, because this self described clairvoyant obviously didn’t predict that singing Lady Marmalade was going to stink worse than a dead feline.
Dressed in pumpkin pants, yellow socks and clogs, and carrying her own percussion section, she went into a trance of sorts – moaning, groaning, writhing – spreading that marmalade all over an audition that was clearly toast. (I just know another henhouse tragedy occurred tonight.)
Simon was generous when he called it "fantastically terrible" and I apologize to Lisa Kudrow for comparing Isadora to Phoebe, a musical savant next to this mess.
Talk about The Big Crapple. Two hours filled with more worms than a bushel of moldy Granny Smiths. According to Ryan, 35 people made it through to Hollywood, but we’ll have to wait till they get there to actually meet them.
Tune in next week when Birmingham, the city responsible for Ruben, Bo, and Taylor, takes center stage. Will the south rise again? Who knows. But one thing’s for certain from the previews – the woman dressed as big bird proves that the south may have an abundance of talent, but the north certainly doesn’t have a lock on wackjobs.
"Alto"-
Thanks for your comments.
In so far as...
"The girls put together a very well planed and orchestrated theme "best friends forever"-that attracted 40 million viewers to not only watch them on January 24th, but post the most blogs in the history of American Idol the next day."
Hate to burst your bubble, but the 40 million viewers had no idea your cherubs were appearing in bikinis when they tuned in, and would have still been watching had the "best friends" never shown up on their screens at all.
As for claiming "but post the most blogs in the history of American Idol the next day" - sorry there too.
The girls did not set any records - not even close. They have miles and miles and miles to go before they even touch Kellie Pickler, or for that matter, Jonathan Jayne and Kenneth Swale, in terms of people blogging about them.
And one of the beauties of a blog such as this is that I can actually see exactly what keywords people Google when they find their way here. Right now, the girls are NOT being Googled heavily, and when they are being Googled at all, the words "naked", "boobs" and "sex" are being used with their names.
If you read back, I never said they were not good singers, in fact I praised them both for their talent, unfortunately, like those 40 million other viewers, I had to get past the obvious pimping of their bodies, teeth, hair, and vacuuous shopping jones, to get to that part.
Will they stay in the spotlight past Hollywood? Who knows. My guess would be that if one makes it to the Top 12, it would be Antonella - she has a distinctive quality to her voice that might be enough to propel her talent past her body as the public begins the voting each week.
Oh, and one last thing...your comment of "Amanda and Antonella taught the producers of American Idol how to get ratings."
Thanks for the laugh. That has to be one of the funnier things I have read in a long time. Yeah, I bet those poor, inept producers hit their knees and Thanked God that Amanda and Antonella came along and finally showed them how to get ratings. The show was really hurting before them.
Posted by: Linda Sharp | Tuesday, January 30, 2007 at 04:51 AM
Linda,
These two best friends-Amanda Coluccio and Antonella Barba--that you refer to as "rocket scientists" have had the last laugh on you and all your fellow pseudo intellectual satirists. The girls put together a very well planed and orchestrated theme "best friends forever"-that attracted 40 million viewers to not only watch them on January 24th, but post the most blogs in the history of American Idol the next day. You should have 1% of their PR smarts. Amanda and Antonella taught the producers of American Idol how to get ratings. Not bad for a couple of Jersey girls.
Posted by: Alto | Monday, January 29, 2007 at 07:43 PM
I just found your site today and read through all four of your AI recaps with my legs propped up on the desk and my 3-month old son resting on my lap, looking at me. Suffering from a terrible cold, I sounded like a frog with a fly stuck in its throat as I cackled my way through your writings. I discovered three things while reading: 1) laughing hysterically doesn't do much for sinus pressure but it sure loosens up the phlegm; 2) my baby smiles a lot when I laugh like a maniac; and 3) I will be back for every recap you write this season. Thank you so much!
Posted by: Mom of 5 | Thursday, January 25, 2007 at 09:14 PM
Linda, I think you must have gotten a touch clairvoyant from last nights show, because you have read all of our minds and written everything we were thinking. I am new to your site as well, but am hooked now, can't wait till next week to see what you have to say!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: Kay | Thursday, January 25, 2007 at 04:03 PM
Great great blog .. the AI posts are hysterical.. thanks for the great laugh..
Posted by: honi | Thursday, January 25, 2007 at 03:01 PM
OMG, I'm so loving this blog. The recaps are so hilarious! I'm totally hooked. Not so Mad now that I had to wait another week to see my show that AI engulfed.
Posted by: RIta | Thursday, January 25, 2007 at 10:00 AM
I am new to your website, but I am now hooked. I am sitting at my desk at work laughing my azz off! Hilarious! See you next week!
Posted by: Carol | Thursday, January 25, 2007 at 07:43 AM
Once again, insightful and hilarious. Love this blog!!
I think my favorite moment from last night's disaster had to be the girl calling her "father" ("Dad, don't be mad!" and his reply "Who is this?") I was waiting for him to tell her, "Stop calling me! I have a restraining order!!"
Posted by: Trish | Thursday, January 25, 2007 at 07:26 AM
I can't wait to get to work in the mornings just to read your recaps. I am truly truly hooked. And as far as the girl with the low jeans, I honestly thought they were painted on. Because when they showed her backside, I thought for sure I was going to see some crack. I thanked the lord that I didn't. And she was "like totally freakin' out babe" when she came out calm as a cucumber. Who ever thought that running every morning at 5 and every afternoon at 1 could help you sing better. Well, now I know the secret. Off I go!
Posted by: Miranda | Thursday, January 25, 2007 at 06:54 AM
You are correct on the proper pronunciation of "tush"
Posted by: bwana | Thursday, January 25, 2007 at 06:14 AM
So funny!! I enjoy your recap more than the show!!
Posted by: | Thursday, January 25, 2007 at 05:15 AM
http://www.kentuckyfriedcruelty.com
KFC is just barbarric :(
Posted by: | Wednesday, January 24, 2007 at 11:41 PM