Travel Tips To Keep Your Ho, Ho, Ho From Woe, Woe, Woe

The kids are out of school, the workweek is just about over, and millions of us will either be hitting the road to become guests, or opening ours doors to host them for the holidays.

God help us all.

It is always a crapshoot of emotions to travel this time of year.  If you are going somewhere, you have the excitement of seeing special folk, but it is tempered by having to share road or airspace with, well, special folk (read: idiots who should never be allowed to leave the safety of their cages). 

To illustrate this point, I humbly offer yesterday’s news headline:  Woman Sends Infant Through Airport X-ray Machine.

Kind of speaks for itself, doesn’t it?

If you are opening your home to visitors, you also have the excitement of seeing loved ones (that lasts approximately 3 minutes and 24 seconds), but it is outweighed by a disproportionate amount of stress because in reality you are hosting two legged livestock.

Having 40 Christmases under my belt, I have been both the welcomer and the welcomee enough times to have culled some very valuable information, and developed some crucial insight.  And since this is the season of sharing, and I am nothing if not a giver, I would like to offer the following tips and tidbits to keep your travels not only safe, but to keep you from being beaten to death with a fruitcake by your hostess.

AIR TRAVEL TIPS

1.  AIRPORTS ARE NOT COMPLICATED:  If you have even a 2^nd grade reading ability, you can navigate the terminals.  SO READ THE SIGNS AND FOLLOW THE DIRECTIONS. 

Lines at security are long enough to age cheese, so do your part to not set off a detector.  Grab a gray plastic bin and take off everything but your underwear. 

I’m serious. 

Shoes, buckles (quite frankly, guys – if you are in the habit of wearing any buckle big enough to set off a detector, you are probably also in the habit of not getting laid very often), watches, keys – put it all in the bin.  When you get to the other side, collect your bin and get the hell out of the way.  Do NOT stand there like you are in your personal dressing room or you run the risk of being beaten by the wingtipped oxford of a harried business travel. 

2.  NO SHARP OBJECTS:  I honestly don’t care if you have lived in a cage since 9/11, there is no excuse for the number of people who still try to take the odd pointed objects onboard a jet.

The TSA confiscates roughly 400,000 “weapons” a MONTH.  Sure they have a collection of guns and knives, but some of the more interesting items have included a circular saw, kitchen sink pipe, a trailer hitch, bar-b-que skewers, and a pool cue.

And to the person who had their five foot piñata confiscated?  You deserve to be whapped with that pool cue until candy comes out your ears.

3.  ONBOARD ETIQUETTE:  Orson Welles said it best:  “There are only two emotions in a plane:  boredom and terror."  Remember this when preparing to travel, especially with small children.  They are the first ones to get bored, resulting in emotional terror from all the surrounding passengers.  Bring a small backpack stocked with snacks, crayons, toys, Valium – anything to keep them occupied and quiet.

If you are planning on bringing food on a plane, bear in mind that you are traveling in a sealed tin can, and that the Kimchi or hard boiled eggs you love so much are capable of soiling every air particle within minutes. 

This advice applies to farting as well. 

And while we’re at it, I’m honest enough to tell you this to your face:  If you have to pop a loaf, either empty your colon in the airport prior to the flight, or hold it in until you reach your destination.  Airplane bathrooms are about the size of a box of Ritz crackers and if you lay down the law in one, all other travelers will be within their rights to kill you.

Keep your shoes on your feet.  I don’t care if your feet are swelling up like melons, sharing your Frito-scented peds with the rest of the passengers is simply inexcuseable.

Oh yeah.  Bathe prior to a flight too.  Deodorant is also a must.  When it comes to perfumes and aftershaves?  For the love of Estee Lauder, a single squirt is all it takes.  Dousing yourself with half a bottle of Stetson doesn’t make you more of a man, and bathing in an entire carafe of Coty doesn’t make you alluring, only alarming.

Finally, those seat back pockets containing the inflight magazine and barf bag?  They are not your personal trashcan.  Do not hide your empty soda cans, McDonalds bags, and dirty diapers (yes, people do this – I told you – people are pigs) in them. 

ROAD TRAVEL TIPS

1.  PLAN AND PLAN SOME MORE:  Watch the news.  Check online for construction updates.  STAY UP TO DATE ON THE WEATHER ALONG YOUR ROUTE. 

That last one is especially important if you are traveling where it is cold.  Pack blankets.  Pack food.  Pack extra diapers and formula if you have a baby.  Pack a road flare and flashlight.  And for God’s sake, let people know your route, and when you are arriving. 

2.  KEEP YOUR CELL PHONE CHARGED UP AND ON:  Having your cell phone on can make the difference between authorities being able to track you down in an emergency, and you remaining upside down in a ditch.  My phone even has a GPS chip, but unless it is on, I may as well be dead.

3.  FILL ‘ER UP: When your tank hits ¼, start looking for a gas station and FILL UP.  Don’t second guess the fume riding capabilities of your SUV, or bet on there being another exit a few miles down the road.  Use this same advice in the inverse for emptying your children’s “tanks”.

GUEST TIPS

1.  LIMIT YOUR PERSONAL CRAP DISBURSEMENT:  The last thing your host deserves is to find your dirty underwear hanging off a doorknob, or your collection of argyle socks strewn around the living room.  Any clothes you are not wearing should be in your suitcase or neatly on a hanger in a closet.

2.  PERSONAL HYGIENE:  You are a guest in someone’s home.  Your goal should be to leave only memories, not the lingering stench of your bad hygiene in the couch cushions.  Bathe.  Use deodorant.  And clean up after yourself, especially the bathroom.

Bathroom Note:  Pack a small can of air sanitizer in your suitcase.  You will poop in your host’s home, but that doesn’t have to be a gift that keeps on giving.

3.  BRING MEDICAL SUPPLIES:  This is especially important if you are traveling with children and your host has none.  Kids inevitably get sick on trips – it is one of Murphy’s Law (Murphy was a sick bastard himself) – and having the foresight to pack Children’s Tylenol or Motrin, a thermometer, Benadryl, etc, is just common sense.   Making it possible for your host to sleep instead of running you to an all night pharmacy is just common courtesy.

4.  HELP PAY FOR FOOD:  Being a guest does not mean you get to be a freeloader.  Hosting company is a pricey affair and you should ante up to help cover the costs of additional food.  And if you want specific items the host does not normally stock in their pantries, go to the store with them and pay for it yourself.

5. CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELVES:  If you mess it up, clean it up.  Especially if you brought children with you.  You are in someone else’s home.  Respect their belongings.  And your children should be expected to follow the rules of the guest house.  In ours that means no running, no playing on the stairs, no jumping on furniture, etc.  Live like circus animals in your own home, but don’t bring your three ring affair into mine.

Finally, and perhaps, most importantly…

HOST TIPS

1.  ASK AHEAD:  Get a basic food list from your visitors ahead of time – especially breakfast food.  What type of milk they drink – skim? 2%? Whole?  Favorite cereal?  Get a box.  You should have some basic items on hand to make them feel immediately at home.  If children are coming and you have none, this is very important.  Ask about favorite snack crackers, ice cream, TV shows (Tivo a couple episodes of Blues Clue and you’ll be gold).

2.  LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS:  Seriously, this one is paramount to self preservation.  We all have visions of holiday bliss a la Martha Stewart, but honey, that kind of warm, watercolored bliss only exists in magazine layouts.  Shoot for amiable, and aim for relaxed.  Anything beyond that is simply deluded.  You are dealing with other people invading YOUR space and they will never live up to your fantasy. 

3.  DELEGATE:  Yes, believe it or not, guests feel more comfortable if you get them involved in what’s going on.  Let them set the table.  Ask for their help in preparing a meal or opening the wine.  You do not have to do it all yourself – no one is going to give you a medal for making them feel like lazy, inept losers.

4. GET THE HELL OUT:  Do the research to know what events and activities are going on where you live.  Then get everyone out of the house!  Whether it is ice skating, a movie, or The Nutcracker – giving everyone breathing room outside the house will keep them all merrier once they are back inside.

And last, but not least…

5.  STAY OUT OF JAIL:  No matter how badly your guests behave, regardless of how many towels they stain, or how many times they leave the toilet looking like a shit autopsy took place, do not give in to the impulse to beat them to death with that fruitcake.  They simply are not worth your freedom.

(Unless, of course, you got a shovel and a bag of lime for Christmas and can dispose of the bodies properly.  Call me, I’ll be happy to help.  Not that I have personal experience or anything...ahem...I'm just a giver. Remember?)

Comments

[Rachel Goldstein]

I love your writing style. I was cracking up at your comments on the smell of some of the people on airplanes. Thanks for the post!

Rachel

[Missykissy]

You offer some great tips Linda! I am hosting Christmas for my family once again this year - in fact, my parents and siblings and sibling-families (read children who have no regard for Aunt Missy's home) are all about to be here in a number of hours to start the 2 day (I swear it feels like 2 weeks) festivities.

In true just-my-luck fashion, my day has been a comedy of errors. Since I've woken up this morning - my hairdryer literally caught on fire, my coffee pot broke AND my cat puked on the carpet. I still have to get dinner started and make the guest room bed.

So I just wanted to take this opportunity to let you in on one of my tips that helps me get through... dip in the eggnog early. Now I'm not talking about getting sloppy, but you know, sometimes you just need a nip.

Hey - Merry *hic* Christmas!