Don't Get Me Started with Linda Sharp

Death Takes A Holiday (Thank God)

I am on my way out for a New Year’s Eve among friends, but due to perusing the news one last time for the day, am compelled to pay homage to rampant stupidity one more time before closing out the ignorance books for 2006.

It seems, although the rest of the world considers today and tomorrow to be nonworking ones, stupidity does not feel the need to take a holiday.   Thank goodness death is not of the same mind.

A three year old is still alive tonight because death was busy setting up for its own New Year’s party.

The child is question was found this afternoon wandering in the slow lane on Interstate 465 in Indianapolis, Indiana.

Clad only in a diaper and t-shirt, his look completed by the casualness of barefeet, motorists were stunned to not only see the child, but to have to frantically swerve to avoid creating creamed toddler on the asphalt.

So, how is it that a 3 year old child decides the highway is his personal playground, you ask?

Well, that is where supersized stupidity comes into play.  This time in the form of his piece of shit sleeping mother, NANCY DYER.  (Sorry, but stupidity deserves to be outed, right down to the correct spelling of the idiot involved.)

Yes, whilst Nancy slumbered, little Damon took leave of their second story apartment, headed down the stairs, across the parking lot, around a fence, and out onto the highway.

But wait!, you say.  Maybe she’s a good mother and this was just one of those freak, but terrible, accidents?

You wish.

When police returned the child to his mother, she responded to the news of his exploits with the words, “Oh, he got out again.”

AGAIN.

As in this has happened before.

As in, the police were just there as recent as this past Thursday when little Damon was out in the parking lot running around unsupervised.

And it gets better.

The apartment, described by police as “filthy” (color me all shades of surprised), contained Damon’s 2 year old sister who was found eating spaghetti off the kitchen floor.

Is there still time to nominate Nancy for Mother of the Year?

Nancy was arrested and remains in jail. The children have been placed in protective custody where, presumably, they will neither have to play on the interstate for fun, or eat their dinner among the roaches.

Before someone gets started on me, let me make this clear:  I am not picking on poor people.  Believe me, some of the best parents I have ever met in my life have existed on very meager means, cherishing their children.  And some of the worst have lived in mansions on hills, neglecting their offspring full speed ahead.

No, my problem is with irresponsible, selfish, boorish, complacent, abusive, did-not-want-children-but-got-knocked-up parents – and they come in every tax bracket.

Children do not ask for you to have sloppy, unprotected sex.  No one asks to be born.  But once they are here, they deserve to be protected, honored, loved, and cherished above all else – above money, above drugs, above lovers, above sleep, Nancy. And if you can’t do it, or are not willing to do it, there are countless people in this world who would hit their knees and beg for the chance to do it for you.

A 2 year old eating spaghetti off the filthy floor.  A 3 year old miraculously escaping death on a busy interstate.

You know – the voting may be closed for the motherhood award, but I would like to honor Nancy Dyer with the last award given out in this blog for 2006…

Congratulations, Nancy Dyer:  You are the 2006 STUPID MotherF*cker of the Year.

You can pick up your trophy when you get out of jail.  I’ll leave it on the highway for you.

Saddam & Gomorrah – A Look Back

This morning I received an email from a reader regarding a piece I wrote nearly four years ago. Ahhh, the wonders of the internet and its ability to regurg everything ever published on it…

The piece to which the reader was responding is below.  Called Saddam & Gomorrah, it was written during the height of the initial Coalition onslaught of Iraq. In it, I highlighted the similarities between the biblical telling of the original Sodom story and draw the many parallels to the modern day Saddam version.

While the piece does not look to glorify the Bush administration, or its acts – in fact, I believe even then my feelings about them were more than obvious – the email from the reader offers only a blanket condemnation of all the people of the United States, “After a while you can only shovel so much black and white bullshit, before everyone begins to question your whole agenda.” and “You rode a giant white cloud of personal justification and self envy.”

To him, I responded…

What you accuse the US citizens of - painting an entire people with one brush, being the moral arbiter for the world, being black/white in all regards - is exactly what you are guilty of in your email.   Unfortunately, hypocrisy does not own any mirrors, and has a hard time seeing itself for what it is.

The PEOPLE of this country do not set the "agenda" any more than the PEOPLE in any country set the agenda.  Powerful, elected officials run the show, and more often than not, have made their way into office by deceit and duplicitous means – basically showing one face during the run-up to elections and then, once in office, taking off the sheep's mask to reveal the power hungry wolf beneath.   

The PEOPLE of this country were fed misinformation and, yes, what have now proved out to be lies.  And at this point, we have an administration who would have us all continue to politely eat shit with a knife and a fork, the only condiment being ketchup which looks suspiciously like blood.

The PEOPLE of this country do not HATE every single person who worships Allah.  Yes, we have more than a few who live in a vacuum and fear anything that is different or that requires thought, but the majority of Americans understand the difference between worshippers of Islam and Islamic extremists.

The PEOPLE of this country would like nothing better than to get the hell out of the Middle East and live our lives peacefully.  Hearts are being broken every single day as more families are devastated by the deaths of our brave soldiers. And while their lives are not worth more or less than the lives of the civilians being killed in Iraq, each flag draped coffin not only brings home a dead American, but it also brings home the fact that simply throwing bodies at the problem is not fixing it.

Believe me, the PEOPLE know we have more than our share of problems right here at home and would prefer our nation’s resources be directed at our own laundry list of issues.

Unfortunately, we are held hostage by our current administration and the wheels it set in motion so many years back. And we are being dragged along every bit as much as are the people of Iraq. But the people of Iraq are actually under the wheels, living each moment wondering if it is to be their last.  When I go to the market for milk, I do not wonder if I am ever coming back to pour it for my children, or if my blood will be pouring into the streets courtesy of a virgin-deluded insurgent and his car bomb.

There are no easy answers. And by now it is more than evident to the PEOPLE that there is no clear path to victory or democracy. But condemning all the people of the United States is just as wrong as condemning all the people of any other country, or faith, or culture.  Good people and bad people come in every shape, size, accent, color, religion, and geographical location. 

Saddam Hussein's hanging has taken place. His country’s laws allowed for his execution. And given his horrific history, the number of innocent lives murdered under his tyranny, and the blatant disregard for the poverty and suffering of his people, the punishment is just.  He did not deserve any more oxygen than he had already taken.

Yet given the facts of the last four years, George Bush and his posse had better be thankful the PEOPLE of this country don’t grab some rope of our own.

Quite frankly, I believe the piece still stands up.

Saddam and Gomorrah

For biblical scholars, the story of Sodom and Gomorrah, found in the Book of Genesis, has long been one of endless fascination and a touchstone for teaching the evils of the seven deadly sins.

For political scholars, the contemporary story of Saddam and Gomorrah is proving to be even more fascinating in its recasting, as it, too, becomes a touchstone for teaching the evils of tyranny.

In either case, the consequences of the seven deadly virtues: pride, envy, gluttony, lust, anger, greed and sloth, are once again being illustrated to the world.

In the original telling, the men of Sodom were wicked, such sinners against the Lord, He decided to destroy them." For the people of the land, there was no escape, as the Lord "rained down fire and brimstone . . . He destroyed everyone living there and everything growing in the ground."

Fast forward to 2003: The men of Saddam have been proven to be wicked, killing innocents by the thousands, committing political breaches by the score, and thus the Coalition decided to destroy them. For the people of the land, again there is no real escape, as the airstrikes rain down fire and brimstone in the form of SMART bombs and bunker busters . . . destroying everyone who happens to be in the way and everything sneaking underground.

The Bible records what Abraham saw, "He looked down to Sodom and Gomorrah, toward all the land and the plain, and he saw a dense smoke rising from the land, like smoke from a furnace." (Genesis 19:28)

CNN records what the embeds see, towards all the land and the plain, a dense smoke rising from the land. They also describe the heat inside the soldiers’ uniforms as being like a furnace. Oh and they detail the bodies of the dead, the casualties of the Coalition, the POWs, the hunger, the thirst of the innocent people, in technicolor. (Videophones were not available in the Biblical version.)

The Bible says that Sodom and Gomorrah became an example of how God judges sin.

Among the sins of the Sodomites, Ezekial lists pride, fullness of bread, abundance of idleness, haughtiness and being unwilling to strengthen the hand of the poor and needy. "They were haughty and did detestable things before Me. Therefore I did away with them as you have seen." (Ezekial 16:49-50)

Political pundits say that Saddam has become an example of how the West judges sin.

History books will list the sins of the Saddamites as being "haughty", living a lavish life unrivaled by any Robin Leach special. Human rights violations are endless - the gassing of the Kurds, and the slaughter of the Iranians, just to name two. He has committed detestable acts before the world, no argument. And as for "being unwilling to strengthen the hand of the poor and needy?" Oil for food has proved to be oil for his many palaces, while his people lived in poverty and hunger. Therefore President Bush and his Coalition decided to do away with him and his regime as we have seen. "The outcome is certain. And we will not stop until Saddam and his regime are gone." (George Bush, repeatedly, 2003)

In the Bible, as fire and brimstone were brought to bear, God allowed Lot, the one good man living there, to flee with his family. But Lot’s wife disobeyed God’s warning not to look back and was turned into a pillar of salt.

In our modern day story, President Bush allowed the "lot" of good people time to flee with their families. However, the "lot" knew that to disobey Saddam and his Republican Guard would have resulted in immediate death.

Biblical scholars warn that Sodom and Gomorrah were completely destroyed, never to be rebuilt. What remains to be seen in our contemporary retelling is the eventual outcome. Can the Coalition and the UN actually rebuild the country, provide voice for the people and bring stability to a region where suicide bombings and terrorist training camps are sinful facts of life?

Political scholars warn us to hope so, or one day we may all look back on Saddam and Gomorrah and turning into pillars of salt will be the least of our worries.

Twas The Day AFTER Christmas

‘Twas the day after Christmas,

and all through my house

Lay remnants of paper

Some bows and my spouse.

The stockings were strewn

cross the floors, down the halls

Ripped open boxes were

stacked by the walls.

I cleaned in my apron

yet prone in a cap

My husband lay down for

a long football "nap".

When down through the ceiling

there arose such a clatter

A fight over Gamecube

was surely the matter.

Away to the staircase

I flew like a flash

Shouted, "Get along now,

Or Mario's trash!"

As wild children toked on sugar,

cocoa and caffeine

When faced with an obstacle

get rowdy and mean.

The sun on the piles

of new fallen whiteness

Gave hope it might melt

Before shoveling with mightness.

When what to my wondering

eyes should appear?

But a red shiny pick-up

With snow plowing gear!

My eyes how they twinkled

How merry my mind!

I could watch the snow move

While drinking my wine!

With the snow being plowed

I went back to my work

Glanced at my dozing spouse

And thought, "What a jerk!"

Then laying a finger

aside of his nose

I flicked it so hard

He sprang right to his toes.

My team had abandoned me

To clean up their games

So I whistled and shouted

and called them by name!

Come Kendall, come Culley

Yes Carson and Rudy!

Get in here right now

Before I kick some booty!

Grab several large Heftys

The dustrags and broom

and clean up your messes

all over this room!

You wanted these things

with all of your might

But to gift ME with garbage

just isn’t quite right!

I poured myself Merlot

Reclined in a chair

And while THEY cleaned the house

I had hardly a care.

Exhausted from catering

to everyone’s wishes.

The cooking and baking

and doing the dishes.

I drew in a breath

and spun my chair around

My house was getting all clean

From the roof to the ground!

Then they heard me exclaim

as the garbage they hunted

"Merry Christmas To Mommy!

I got just what I wanted!!"

Travel Tips To Keep Your Ho, Ho, Ho From Woe, Woe, Woe

The kids are out of school, the workweek is just about over, and millions of us will either be hitting the road to become guests, or opening ours doors to host them for the holidays.

God help us all.

It is always a crapshoot of emotions to travel this time of year.  If you are going somewhere, you have the excitement of seeing special folk, but it is tempered by having to share road or airspace with, well, special folk (read: idiots who should never be allowed to leave the safety of their cages). 

To illustrate this point, I humbly offer yesterday’s news headline:  Woman Sends Infant Through Airport X-ray Machine.

Kind of speaks for itself, doesn’t it?

If you are opening your home to visitors, you also have the excitement of seeing loved ones (that lasts approximately 3 minutes and 24 seconds), but it is outweighed by a disproportionate amount of stress because in reality you are hosting two legged livestock.

Having 40 Christmases under my belt, I have been both the welcomer and the welcomee enough times to have culled some very valuable information, and developed some crucial insight.  And since this is the season of sharing, and I am nothing if not a giver, I would like to offer the following tips and tidbits to keep your travels not only safe, but to keep you from being beaten to death with a fruitcake by your hostess.

AIR TRAVEL TIPS

1.  AIRPORTS ARE NOT COMPLICATED:  If you have even a 2^nd grade reading ability, you can navigate the terminals.  SO READ THE SIGNS AND FOLLOW THE DIRECTIONS. 

Lines at security are long enough to age cheese, so do your part to not set off a detector.  Grab a gray plastic bin and take off everything but your underwear. 

I’m serious. 

Shoes, buckles (quite frankly, guys – if you are in the habit of wearing any buckle big enough to set off a detector, you are probably also in the habit of not getting laid very often), watches, keys – put it all in the bin.  When you get to the other side, collect your bin and get the hell out of the way.  Do NOT stand there like you are in your personal dressing room or you run the risk of being beaten by the wingtipped oxford of a harried business travel. 

2.  NO SHARP OBJECTS:  I honestly don’t care if you have lived in a cage since 9/11, there is no excuse for the number of people who still try to take the odd pointed objects onboard a jet.

The TSA confiscates roughly 400,000 “weapons” a MONTH.  Sure they have a collection of guns and knives, but some of the more interesting items have included a circular saw, kitchen sink pipe, a trailer hitch, bar-b-que skewers, and a pool cue.

And to the person who had their five foot piñata confiscated?  You deserve to be whapped with that pool cue until candy comes out your ears.

3.  ONBOARD ETIQUETTE:  Orson Welles said it best:  “There are only two emotions in a plane:  boredom and terror."  Remember this when preparing to travel, especially with small children.  They are the first ones to get bored, resulting in emotional terror from all the surrounding passengers.  Bring a small backpack stocked with snacks, crayons, toys, Valium – anything to keep them occupied and quiet.

If you are planning on bringing food on a plane, bear in mind that you are traveling in a sealed tin can, and that the Kimchi or hard boiled eggs you love so much are capable of soiling every air particle within minutes. 

This advice applies to farting as well. 

And while we’re at it, I’m honest enough to tell you this to your face:  If you have to pop a loaf, either empty your colon in the airport prior to the flight, or hold it in until you reach your destination.  Airplane bathrooms are about the size of a box of Ritz crackers and if you lay down the law in one, all other travelers will be within their rights to kill you.

Keep your shoes on your feet.  I don’t care if your feet are swelling up like melons, sharing your Frito-scented peds with the rest of the passengers is simply inexcuseable.

Oh yeah.  Bathe prior to a flight too.  Deodorant is also a must.  When it comes to perfumes and aftershaves?  For the love of Estee Lauder, a single squirt is all it takes.  Dousing yourself with half a bottle of Stetson doesn’t make you more of a man, and bathing in an entire carafe of Coty doesn’t make you alluring, only alarming.

Finally, those seat back pockets containing the inflight magazine and barf bag?  They are not your personal trashcan.  Do not hide your empty soda cans, McDonalds bags, and dirty diapers (yes, people do this – I told you – people are pigs) in them. 

ROAD TRAVEL TIPS

1.  PLAN AND PLAN SOME MORE:  Watch the news.  Check online for construction updates.  STAY UP TO DATE ON THE WEATHER ALONG YOUR ROUTE. 

That last one is especially important if you are traveling where it is cold.  Pack blankets.  Pack food.  Pack extra diapers and formula if you have a baby.  Pack a road flare and flashlight.  And for God’s sake, let people know your route, and when you are arriving. 

2.  KEEP YOUR CELL PHONE CHARGED UP AND ON:  Having your cell phone on can make the difference between authorities being able to track you down in an emergency, and you remaining upside down in a ditch.  My phone even has a GPS chip, but unless it is on, I may as well be dead.

3.  FILL ‘ER UP: When your tank hits ¼, start looking for a gas station and FILL UP.  Don’t second guess the fume riding capabilities of your SUV, or bet on there being another exit a few miles down the road.  Use this same advice in the inverse for emptying your children’s “tanks”.

GUEST TIPS

1.  LIMIT YOUR PERSONAL CRAP DISBURSEMENT:  The last thing your host deserves is to find your dirty underwear hanging off a doorknob, or your collection of argyle socks strewn around the living room.  Any clothes you are not wearing should be in your suitcase or neatly on a hanger in a closet.

2.  PERSONAL HYGIENE:  You are a guest in someone’s home.  Your goal should be to leave only memories, not the lingering stench of your bad hygiene in the couch cushions.  Bathe.  Use deodorant.  And clean up after yourself, especially the bathroom.

Bathroom Note:  Pack a small can of air sanitizer in your suitcase.  You will poop in your host’s home, but that doesn’t have to be a gift that keeps on giving.

3.  BRING MEDICAL SUPPLIES:  This is especially important if you are traveling with children and your host has none.  Kids inevitably get sick on trips – it is one of Murphy’s Law (Murphy was a sick bastard himself) – and having the foresight to pack Children’s Tylenol or Motrin, a thermometer, Benadryl, etc, is just common sense.   Making it possible for your host to sleep instead of running you to an all night pharmacy is just common courtesy.

4.  HELP PAY FOR FOOD:  Being a guest does not mean you get to be a freeloader.  Hosting company is a pricey affair and you should ante up to help cover the costs of additional food.  And if you want specific items the host does not normally stock in their pantries, go to the store with them and pay for it yourself.

5. CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELVES:  If you mess it up, clean it up.  Especially if you brought children with you.  You are in someone else’s home.  Respect their belongings.  And your children should be expected to follow the rules of the guest house.  In ours that means no running, no playing on the stairs, no jumping on furniture, etc.  Live like circus animals in your own home, but don’t bring your three ring affair into mine.

Finally, and perhaps, most importantly…

HOST TIPS

1.  ASK AHEAD:  Get a basic food list from your visitors ahead of time – especially breakfast food.  What type of milk they drink – skim? 2%? Whole?  Favorite cereal?  Get a box.  You should have some basic items on hand to make them feel immediately at home.  If children are coming and you have none, this is very important.  Ask about favorite snack crackers, ice cream, TV shows (Tivo a couple episodes of Blues Clue and you’ll be gold).

2.  LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS:  Seriously, this one is paramount to self preservation.  We all have visions of holiday bliss a la Martha Stewart, but honey, that kind of warm, watercolored bliss only exists in magazine layouts.  Shoot for amiable, and aim for relaxed.  Anything beyond that is simply deluded.  You are dealing with other people invading YOUR space and they will never live up to your fantasy. 

3.  DELEGATE:  Yes, believe it or not, guests feel more comfortable if you get them involved in what’s going on.  Let them set the table.  Ask for their help in preparing a meal or opening the wine.  You do not have to do it all yourself – no one is going to give you a medal for making them feel like lazy, inept losers.

4. GET THE HELL OUT:  Do the research to know what events and activities are going on where you live.  Then get everyone out of the house!  Whether it is ice skating, a movie, or The Nutcracker – giving everyone breathing room outside the house will keep them all merrier once they are back inside.

And last, but not least…

5.  STAY OUT OF JAIL:  No matter how badly your guests behave, regardless of how many towels they stain, or how many times they leave the toilet looking like a shit autopsy took place, do not give in to the impulse to beat them to death with that fruitcake.  They simply are not worth your freedom.

(Unless, of course, you got a shovel and a bag of lime for Christmas and can dispose of the bodies properly.  Call me, I’ll be happy to help.  Not that I have personal experience or anything...ahem...I'm just a giver. Remember?)

What A Load Of Hogwarts! The Fight To Ban Harry Potter

It’s a sure sign that I need to write when a topic continues to swirl through my brain, like an Azkaban Dementor,  sucking the life away from other important things like eating, letting the dog out (dammit, now I have to clean the carpet – AGAIN), and watching my TIVO’d episode of Top Chef.

But such is the case of the last 18 hours.  Since reading about the renewed effort of one woman in Georgia to force the school board to ban JK Rowling’s Harry Potter series, I have done little but rant in my head, turn the air blue, and feel extremely sorry for any person as tunnel visioned and frightened of her own shadow as Laura Mallory.

Full of conviction that the Harry Potter books not only promote witchcraft, but are attempting to indoctrinate children into religious witchcraft, Laura has been battling the evil spirits on the school board for over a year. 

Said school board, as it has done on previous occasions, has once again denied her appeal and told her – in legalese, of course – NO, and to get a life.

Now her fight against Harry Potter is hardly the first time some parent has gotten their broomstick a little too far up their own behind, and gone after the series.

Rather, the books have been challenged 115 times since 2000, making them the most challenged books of the 21st Century, according to the American Library Association.

Typical arguments against them are, the whole witchcraft angle, and that they encourage children to question authority.

Oooooooooooooooo, that’s baaaaaaaaaaaaaad.

Right.

I have news for every parent out there. There is a wide gulf between disrespect and common sense. If you are not teaching your children to think for themselves and, YES, question authority when a person or situation seems wrong, you are doing a huge disservice to them.   Blindly following along just because someone older tells them to do something is a sure fire way to have your child end up in a car with a stranger, molested by a neighbor, or just one more in a long line of human lemmings who cannot think their way out of a paper bag.

As for the allegations it promotes witchcraft?

Abracabullshit.

If Harry Potter is attempting to indoctrinate children into witchcraft, then what the hell has Walt Disney been doing lo these many, many years?

With the exception of Bambi and The Lion King, I am hardpressed to think of many Disney movies, old or new, whose plots don’t rely firmly on a magic wand, evil spells, or some errant pixie dust.

Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, anyone?  How about a mermaid getting a new pair of legs?  Ursula certainly didn’t knit them out of seaweed.  And Robby Benson morphing from a beast into a hunk?  I don’t believe a plastic surgeon was one of the characters in Beauty & The Beast.

That sneaky Walt surely must have been a warlock.

I think what offends me the most about these arguments is this:  These people completely devalue the children they are professing to protect, and essentially believe kids aren’t smart enough to understand that these are stories – works of fiction.

I have three kids.  At no point after watching Peter Pan did any of them ever attempt to fly out a second story window.  And despite living in a princess dress, sparkly shoes and a crown for a solid month when she was four and addicted to Cinderella, my middle daughter was never found sitting inside a pumpkin expecting it to take her to the ball.

Hell, I grew up on these stories too and I think I turned out ok.  When my daughter needed a homecoming dress a couple months back, I didn’t stand her in the yard and wave a toilet brush at her while singing Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo, in an attempt to conjure up a gown.

I. WENT. TO. A. STORE.

Kids are smarter than most grown-ups give them credit for.  Seriously, when was the last time you read about someone from our generation being arrested for standing atop a desert cliff and dropping an ACME anvil on someone’s head?

More than 265 million Harry Potter books have been bought around the globe, yet in the latest religious census, less than ½ million people WORLDWIDE belong to Wicca.  And that number has gone DOWN, not UP.  You do the math.

What it should tell you is that kids enjoy the books.  Period.  And like any good fiction, they provide escape, excitement, empowerment, enjoyment, and yes, the ability to flex their imagination muscles.

Perhaps, what frightens the Laura Mallorys of the world is that by allowing children to read big books, they run the risk of then having to have a conversation with that child about what they read. The child may have questions, comments, insights - and oh no, that might make it a little uncomfortable for the parent.

Grow up.

Since my own children entered school, I have spent a lot of time in the classrooms, helping with projects, etc. Just this morning I was once again riding herd on 100+ 5th graders while they worked on a holiday gift for their parents. And it is, and always has been, painfully obvious to me, that the majority of kids are completely unfamiliar with a grown up showing any actual interest in anything they have to say.

And God knows, humor is obviously in short supply in these kids' lives. But once I break through their "all-grown-ups-are-serious-and-have-sticks-up-their-asses" wall, and begin drawing them out, boy do they talk. About everything. Sometimes about nothing in particular. The point is, they are thrilled to have an adult focused on them, asking their opinions, valuing their answers, engaging them in thoughtful conversation.

You know, I am fine with people like Laura Mallory staking out some arbitrary moral high ground for themselves.  And if they choose to keep books like Harry Potter out of their own children’s hands, so be it.  That’s one of the rights of shooting a living creature out your uterus – you get to raise it the way you want.

Just don’t deign to think that everyone else needs your guidance.  That you are some chosen voice of morality.  You’re not.  You’re one person who happens to believe one thing.

Sadly, like many of the other book burners before her, Laura has not read the very books she is castigating. 

I have.

And I can tell you that JK Rowling has crafted some of the best, most imaginary, least condescending children’s literature ever written.

Harry Potter showcases the classic fight between good and evil, places a high value on the bonds of friendship, and above all, teaches that there is a world of difference and integrity between doing the easy thing, and doing the right thing.

Having 265 million children embrace those tenets is, to me, pure magic.

Seattle Airport Sees The (Christmas) Light

Not 2 days after expending God knows how many man hours from an entire graveyard shift on removing every trace of Christmas festoonery from the airport, Seattle port authorities ordered the same workers to retree the airport.

Apparently the Grinches’ hearts have grown three sizes this day..

Well, not really.

They just don’t like the way the Whos down in Whoville have ganged up on them. (They don’t care much for the global bad press either.)

As I stated yesterday when I bastardized the original Grinch Who Stole Christmas story…

Then the Grinches thought of something they hadn't before!
"A simple menorah, a handshake, and a grin

Could have made this all better and off CNN.”

Apparently the powers-that-be on Mt. Crumpit decided that since the Rabbi, who requested a menorah be added to the holiday displays, was not going to sue them to force the point, they could allow Christmas back in the terminal.

Not that it wasn’t there anyway.

The airline workers, incensed at the kneejerk reaction taken by the administration, and many pooling their own money, had already stepped up and decorated their ticket counters, check-in areas, and kiosks with trees, tinsel, and yes, even menorahs and Stars of David.  (For the uneducated, airlines lease space in terminals, therefore they are free to decorate their spaces as they wish.)

I told you.  We Whos are a tenacious little lot.

And while the Rabbi has offered to supply an electric menorah, the Grinches have not taken him up on the offer, again spouting crapola about the number of man hours it would require to add an artifact from every major religion.

Um. Yeah.

Like taking down the trees and now reinstalling them all was done with a magic wand and pixie dust?

Face it, this group of Grinches don’t deserve even a sliver of roast beast this season – just a big lump of coal in their stockings.

Oh yeah – they should also be forced to listen to we Whos sing for 48 hours straight…

Fah who for-aze! Dah who dor-aze!

Come on, everybody!

Fah who for-aze!

Dah who dor-aze!

Welcome Christmas,
Christmas Day (and Hanukkah, Ramadan, Kwanzaa, too!)

Welcome, Welcome
Fah who rah-moose
Welcome, Welcome
Dah who dah-moose

Seattle Port Authority’s balls are in our grasp
So long as we have hands to clasp…

Oy Vey! The Grinch Is Alive And Well In Seattle

Ahh, the holiday season.

I love it.  Filled as it is with brotherhood, gift giving, remembrance, story telling, appreciation, and idiots.

Yes, idiots.

You would think that with all the fine work the idiots of the world do all year long – what with igniting their own rectums, baiting their children with marijuana so they’ll do their homework, and reaming out dead animals on the side of the road – they would give themselves some time off during the holiday season.

Take a vacation from stupidity, as it were.

Alas, it is not to be.  Idiocy, it seems, is filled with some of the hardest working men and women in “showbiz”.

Meet today’s recipient of the I-Really-Should-Install-A-Light-In-My-Anus-Since-My-Head-Is-Up-Here-So-Often award: the Grinch-like port authority figures at the Seattle-Tacoma International Airport

In what can only be described as an attempt to snag the lead in the next Dr. Seuss incarnation of the story, they removed, under cover of darkness, all the Christmas trees from the airport.

“All the windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Whos were all dreaming sweet dreams without care.

The terminal quiet, with no one to spy

They stripped them all down, leaving only some hooks, and some wire…”

God knows they would have removed the Who pudding and Roast Beast if daylight hadn’t been threatening.

(Word is, however, you can still get some Who Hash at the Sbarros in the food court.)

Why did they order the removal?

“It could be that their heads weren’t screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that their shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that their brains are two sizes too small.”

You see, upon receiving a simple request from a local Rabbi to have a Jewish menorah added to the various holiday acknowledgements throughout the airport, they decided that taking everything down and ignoring the reasons their airport is busting at the seams with holiday travelers made more sense than accommodating the request.

Oh yeah, they were, as are all people at the top of the authority foodchain, scared to death of being sued.

Of course, the party line is this one, "We decided to take the trees down because we didn't want to be exclusive," said airport spokeswoman Terri-Ann Betancourt. "We're trying to be thoughtful and respectful, and will review policies after the first of the year."

Yuh huh.

That airport has had trees in it since its very first year of service. And now they don’t want to be exclusive? 

Hey, here’s a nutty idea! You’re an international airport. With travelers coming from all over the world. Why not include representations of all the major religions celebrating this time of year? 

But no. 

They deemed that ignoring any and all holiday festivities taking place this month would be the better course.  Better to offend ALL religions than a few?

For the record, Rabbi Bogomilsky, who made the request (and yes, did threaten legal action – so in keeping with the spirit of the season – regardless of your religion) is sick at their decision.  He was not seeking to downplay Christmas, but rather to acknowledge that between 12 and 14 million people in this world celebrate Hanukkah.

"Everyone should have their spirit of the holiday. For many people the trees are the spirit of the holidays, and adding a menorah adds light to the season," said Bogomilsky.

I agree.  But then I am not threatened by the idea that someone else may believe something different from what I believe.  Adding a menorah does not diminish my faith in the least. And quite frankly, I would think much better of the Seattle Port Authority if they had simply hit Party City and bought a big cardboard one than deciding to ignore the season altogether.

Unfortunately for them, in this big, beautiful, internet immediate world in which we live, the story has gone far beyond the front page of the Seattle Post-Intelligencer.  And now…

Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,
Was watching! Seeing no trees there at all!
The holiday season in the airport will surely be blue

As they’ve managed to offend both Christians AND Jews!

But as the real Grinch found out, we Whos are a tenacious lot. We will celebrate, we will sit on Santa’s lap, we will light candles and say prayers, we will celebrate all our holidays. Loudly and proudly.  Christmas. Hanukkah. Kwanzaa.  Yule Day.  Boxing Day.  Even St. Stephen’s Day, for God’s sake. 

Because this is a global community. And the goodhearted people outnumber the idiots.

And the Grinches, with their grinch-feet ice-cold in the northwestern snow,
Will stand puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
It came without ribbons! It came without tags!
"It came without packages, boxes or bags!

It came without trees or a menorah with lights,

And now people hate us, our a-holes are too tight. "
And they puzzled three hours, `till their puzzlers were sore.
Then the Grinches thought of something they hadn't before!
"A simple menorah, a handshake, and a grin

Could have made this all better and off CNN.”

Oy vey.

Tot For Teacher?

We live in an increasingly frightening world.

And I don’t mean Al Qaeda, the ever-elusive-I-bought-my-new-kidneys-on-ebay Bin Laden, the plasti-coif hair of Imelda Marcos lookalike and “want-to-watch-me-play-with-my-nuke?” Kim Jong-il, or even the fear that someone will sneak a bottle of Evian and some Chapstick onto my next cross country flight.

Rather, what I find more frightening are the day-to-day incidents, those occurring in normal life, not in some cave in Afghanistan or on a small strip of land in Asia. The ones occurring between normal (I use this term loosely) citizens as they continue to close the gap between common sense and common dense.

Allow me to present Exhibit A: A teacher’s aide at La Vega Primary School in Bellmead, Texas who has accused a 4 year old child of sexually molesting her.

Four years old.

The child, not the teacher’s aide. (Although given the details of the case, I would say the mental capacity is the same in each.)

The incident occurred when the child was preparing to board the bus after school and he…are you ready?

Seriously.  You’ll want to be sitting down for this…

He hugged her.

Yes, that’s right.  The sexually deviant little bastard hugged her. 

I’m sorry you have to read about it here, but I feel it is my duty to make you aware that there are preschool age perverts in this world who might use their height to their advantage and push up on you, sotospeak.

Women of average height be warned. Many of these tit-mongering tots come right up to our love pillows and will cunningly place their heads on them while pretending to embrace you.

Men, as most of you are much taller than we defenseless females, I implore you: Wear a cup.  Their heads are sneakily positioned on their shoulders at just the right altitude to fulfill their lusty four year old libidos by smashing your genitals with their faces.

Give me a freaking break.

The child hugged his teacher’s aide. And unless his name is Larry Flynt, Jr, and he has been raised on stories of the Mustang Ranch instead of Old McDonald’s Farm, that is all there is to the story.

A normal four year old child, while happy to explore their own anatomy (yes, this is a normal rite of passage for every child which should not be punished or belittled – unless of course they are doing it in the grocery cart for all to see, at which point you should quietly ask them to put their sausage back in its casing for a while), does not have the mental capacity, life experience, or Shaft smoothness to make advances on anyone.

A normal four year old child is still trying to master the toilet, not master the bate, as it were.

But no.  In this litigious, politically correct, everyone-is-offended-by-something society of ours, the teacher’s aide went straight to the principal, who, in this litigious, politically correct, everyone-is-offended-by-something society, had no choice but to place the child in in-school suspension and send a letter to his parents stating that the pre-kindergartener demonstrated "inappropriate physical behavior interpreted as sexual contact and/or sexual harassment."

His parents, understandably, went ballistic, saying it's ridiculous that the aide would misread a hug from a four-year-old.  The child’s father wrote to administrators demanding that the whole incident be expunged from his son's academic file because his son is too young to know what it means to act sexually.

David Davis, the executive director of the Advocacy Center in Waco, and a man who seems to be in possession of the normal person’s amount of common sense, agrees with the parents.  He says assuming the boy has not had sexual encounters, or been inappropriately exposed to pornography, most four-year-olds are sexually innocent.

By all accounts – this child is happy, well adjusted, secure, and being raised in a loving home, not in the backroom of a porn pit.

That his face just happened to connect with the breast tissue of the teacher’s aide owes to proportion not pornographic foreplay.

Listen people, I have three kids.  I have spent hundreds of hours in their schools interacting with children of all ages. And I have hugged more than I can count.  My boobs have been smashed, boosted, separated, slammed, cuddled, and had bodily fluids wiped upon them more often than Jenna James.

And at no point did it ever occur to me to scream, “Help! I’m being molested!”

But then, I don’t go through life just looking for an opportunity to be offended, or a chance to sue a fellow citizen just because I can.  If I order Hot Coffee at Starbuck’s, I place the onus on myself to keep it from spilling on my flesh.

The child’s parents did get a response from the La Vega administration.  The sexual references on the discipline referral were removed.  But - this is just beautiful to me and indicative of how fearful school administrators are of being sued - they told them "your request for an apology by the aide and removal of all paperwork regarding this incident is denied." 

Now the child’s file will refer to the incident as "inappropriate physical contact”.

Great.  Labeled a deviant and he still wets his pants on occasion.

People, there has to be some perspective.  Not every breath someone takes is meant to offend. Not every action deserves an equal and opposite legal reaction. And the people teaching our children have got to be more mature than the children they are instructing. 

In this case, the teacher’s aide and the administration get failing grades. 

~~~

Now admit it - it IS a scary likeness...

The Yearly Holiday Gag, er sorry, BRAG Letter

Back by popular demand (yes, you ARE a demanding lot)...

As the holiday season unfolds, I invite you to kick back with some seriously spiked egg nog and a plate of sprinkle laden cookies and enjoy this excerpt from my latest book, co-authored with Shana McLean Moore, titled Femail: A Comic Collision In Cyberspace...

‘Tis the season for all things holiday oriented - the shopping, the decorating, making cookies, going to parties, lighting the tree and, of course, mailing the holiday cards. I am uplifted by all of the former, drinking in everything the season has to offer, from buttcrack of dawn sales to eating way too much raw cookie dough. It’s the latter - all those holiday cards - that drag me down. Not the numerous ones I have to send, but the ones I receive. Those beautiful Christmas cards containing pictures of children stuffed into satin, lace, and ties, families with mouths full of perfectly whitened teeth, and of course, the requisite "We are doing better than you are" letters... are you guilty?

~~~~

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Greetings once again from the Perfect Family -- Donald, Mary Lou, Thaddeus, Tiffany, and of course, Spartacus --say Woof, Spartacus! Woof!

See? He wishes you a Merry Christmas too!

Well, where to begin? Our lives are just so busy these days, what with Donald's new position of CEO-VP-CFO-DFHYTFGGFGFA for the conglomerate Big, More, & $$. He is constantly flying to exotic destinations to mastermind new deals and consult on an international level. Lucky me, Mary Lou, I get to go too! What wonderful people in Cairo! Although I still chafe from the camel ride. Donald was also recently elected President of his club, the venerable and very elite Richnsnobby. In his spare time he coaches Thaddeus' polo team.

Speaking of our wonderful son Thaddeus, he is now CAPTAIN of the polo team! We could not be prouder than the day he was crowned King of the Divets at the private school he attends, Betterthan University - BetterthanU, for short. He has made the dean's list once again and has his eye set on medical school. Earlier this year he received an award from the President's Council on Overachievement! Don't tell him, but we are getting him a BMW for Christmas! Sssshhhhhhhhh!! What a son! What parents, huh? Tee-hee!

Now, as for our lovely swan Tiffany? She is the apple of her Daddy's eye and the newly crowned Queen of the Turnip Bulbs for the year 2005. What an honor! Our little girl really blossomed after spending the summer at the Golden Boar Spa with Mommy! A little nip here, a little tuck there, and those other Turnip Bulb wannabes did not stand a chance! She will be dancing the part of the Swan Princess in her private school (Fatherhasmoolah Prep) Christmas ballet production! What a daughter! We would love to have you attend! Tickets are still available for only $150 a piece. How many shall we put you down for?

I, Mary Lou, continue to do my charity work for the Junior League. I will be heading up the committee in charge of our spring fundraiser, "Don't Wear THAT!". Monies will be used to help those poor souls who are walking Glamour DON'Ts. Such a worthy cause, I get choked up just writing about it. I will be the lead model on the catwalk during the fashion show portion of the event. Yes, I am still a size 2 and weigh in at 100 pounds. Don't you just hate me? Just teasing, ladies! I am busy, busy, busy planning our New Year’s trip to Tahiti. Don't worry, we will send you a postcard!

Now, we cannot forget to update you on Spartacus! He took the trophy for Best of Show at the National Kibble Competition! He was also given a citation from local officials after scaling a catwalk on a burning building and rescuing three helpless kittens. What a dog! Mommy just wuvs her wittle Spartacus!

We wish everyone a simply marvelous Holiday Season and hope your lives are as wonderful as ours in the new year! Toodles! (Say Woof Spartacus!) Woof! See, he says Bye too!

~~~~

My only thoughts when I read these tomes are: 1. My friends are liars, and 2. Why am I friends with liars? For once, I would love to see an honest assessment of some family’s lives in one of these updates. Tell me the truth because, honestly, no one lives such a wart-free existence . . .

~~~~

Hey Y’all,

Season’s Greetings from the Crankshaft Clan - Roy, Betty Jean, Junior, Mary Ellen and Gramma Ethel. Yep, that’s right, old Gramma E moved in with us mid-year when her eyesight started to wane and her bunions got so bad she could hardly walk. God love her, even half-blind, she totes her colostomy bag to church Bingo every Wednesday night. She won a coverall game just last week and came home $15.00 richer!

Roy is hanging in there. He ended up on disability for a few months at the beginning of the year when Precious, our pitbull, bit off one of Roy’s testicles. Wasn’t the dog’s fault though - Roy knows better than to walk around with a Slim Jim in his overall pockets. Might as well have been wearing beef jerky underwear. Wouldn’t you know? The doctors were right, his empty sac filled right up with fluid and now the only way to tell he is missing a testicle is that his scrotum hurts when it’s going to rain.

Junior got his driver’s license this year and is working part-time washing dishes at Outhouse Steakhouse to save up money for his own car. Shhhh, don’t tell him, but we got him one for Christmas! Roy found an ‘89 Yugo, with low miles and a rear spoiler on eBay! Can’t wait to see the look on Junior’s face!

Mary Ellen just may put this family on the map - she is in the running for the next season of The Biggest Loser! She’s always had stars in her eyes and may finally be able to put her lifelong love of Twinkies to good use. While she currently weighs in at 243, she has been packing on some extra pounds in the hopes the producers will be impressed when they make their final decision. If the "Loser" show doesn't pan out, she has an application in for The Swan. They could just suck all that lard right out, fix her bald spot and give her some front teeth at the same time. Stay tuned!

As for me, Betty Jean, I am still a stay-at-home mom, which works out well since Gramma needs her feet scraped twice a week to keep the bunions in check. I enjoy my scrapbooking and have started making curtains for folks from home. The extra money helps with Roy’s ball bills and I am trying to put a little away each week for a trip to the Poconos in 2005. I saw a picture of one of those heart shaped tubs years ago and have always wanted to take Roy there.

Anyway, we hope your family has had a good year and we wish you all a wonderful holiday season. Have to go now, Gramma’s colostomy bag is starting to leak.

~~~~

Now that’s what I call a family.

Deer John

I’ve said it before. I’ll say it again.

Stupid people rock.

I love them so much, I am currently working on a book with that title. It is a testament, nay, an homage, to the never ending parade of idiots and the endless variety of idiocy practiced by them.

Seriously, just when you think no one can top searing their colon with a lit firecracker, along comes someone new to challenge them for the world heavyweight stupidity title.

Meet today’s challenger: Bryan James Hathaway, 20, of Wisconsin.

How, you ask, does young Bryan qualify for the title of My Brain Has More Holes Than A Loaf of Swiss Cheese? What stupor human feat has he performed?

Well, Bryan is an animal lover.

So what, you say? You love your kitty cat or puppy dog too?

Well, Bryan really loves animals.Really, really loves them.

Not that PETA wants him among their ranks.

You see, dear Bryan adores animals so much, he was caught having sex with one on the side of the road.

It gets better. (Or worse. Depending on your sense of humor and how strong your stomach is.)

The deer was dead.

I’ll pause while you swallow that little bit of vomit you just horked up.

Yes, Bryan was caught getting jiggy with a “sleeping” Bambi and hauled off to jail. He now stands trial for “sexual gratification with an animal”.

But wait – it gets even better.

His lawyer, Frederic Anderson, who only serves to reinforce the sheisterish stereotype of the entire legal profession, argued that “the deer ceased being an animal upon its death”, so no molestation actually occurred.

Anderson contended that a charge of sexual gratification with an animal could not be sustained because "the term 'animal' refers to a living organism, not a carcass."

I see.

So to follow that – gag – logic, there should really be no law against necrophilia, right? I mean, once a person dies, they are essentially just a casing – a people sausage, if you will, not an actual person.

Give me a break.

The guy was caught with his pants down and his bare ass humping a dead animal. He needs locked up if only to protect the world’s livestock from his lusty glances.

Of course, this whole thing got me thinking. I know, I know – it’s a sickness – I can’t turn my head off once it gets going, especially when the grist is so plentiful for my mental mill.

Imagine the cop who found the guy.

Tooling along the road, minding his own business, probably munching his way through a Krispy Kreme and some coffee, and then what to his wondering eyes should appear, but a half naked human reaming out a dead deer.

And I can just picture Bryan as he realizes he has been discovered midthrust. I’m sure he froze like a, well, apologies to venison everywhere, but like a deer in headlights.

Then the poor cop had to not only haul him off the deer and into the station, but then write up a report. I highly doubt this falls easily into any of the precategorized offenses on the books.

And the judge? Good God, the judge surely must have been looking for Ashton Kutcher and the Punk’d crew when he saw the case description on the next morning’s docket.

Personally, I have to say that I don’t really have a problem if someone wants to do the nasty with a dead animal. Yes, it’s beyond disgusting, but it’s a fairly victimless crime (unless, of course, the person goes looking for a deer to run down – then it’s a sex crime and a homicide). And if we’re all lucky, the person will get deer cooties and their dick will fall off, thus ensuring that he cannot procreate with humans.

Rather, what I really have a problem with is that I HAVE TO SHARE THE LIMITED AMOUNT OF OXYGEN ON THIS PLANET WITH PEOPLE WHO F*CK DEAD DEER ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!

Ahem.

Where was I?

Bryan will be going before the judge again soon to learn his fate. But I imagine, in light of what everyone else who gets caught with their pants down does these days, he will be heading to a rehab of some sort soon.

Perhaps like heroin addicts who get weaned off the real stuff with methodone, they can improvise some similar treatment for Bryan.

Maybe start him off with a smaller dead animal, like a sheep, or a goose. Then wean him down to guinea pigs. Finally they can give him one of those blow up reindeer from the Christmas department at Walmart.

After all, what with all of the other reindeer laughing and calling him names, old Rudolph is used to being abused, right?