Crucifying Trust

(Editor’s note:  This one goes long.  Pack a lunch.)

An off-putting thing happened to me a couple weeks back…

I was at a busy gas station, pumping fuel into my minivan for another long weekend of soccer taxi driving.  While standing there, enjoying the sunshine, organizing my thoughts for the games ahead, I noticed a white sedan about twenty yards away parked by the gas station fence.

In it, I saw two old people, a man and a woman, chatting. 

At most, I thought they must be reading a map or drinking some stellar service station coffee.

As quickly as I had considered them, however, my mind moved on to strikers, mid fielders, and defenders, and snacks for the strikers, mid fielders, and defenders.

Then, just as I had placed the nozzle back in its cradle and was getting into my car, I noticed the old man approaching.  I continued to get in my car and as I reached for the door, he stopped me from closing it.

OK, at this point, all I can say is that he is lucky he was an old man, nattily dressed in a sports coat and tweed cap.  Had he been even one liver spot younger than he was, my fight or flight response would have kicked in and he would still have the imprint of my door handle in his shriveled groin.

As it was, somewhere in my mind, I knew that if he was actually accosting me, I could snap his brittle ass in half.  I may be small, but so is dynamite – and you don’t mess with either.

He then proceeded to greet me with a smile, a how are you doing, what are doing today, all in a gee-I’m-a-harmless-old-coot manner.  I politely informed him I had a busy day ahead and needed to get moving.

It was at that point he thrust three pieces of literature into my hand, telling me that he was sure I had some questions about the world that could be answered by reading them.  I said thank you, took them, and quickly got into my car, watching him walk back to his old woman companion and their parked white sedan.

Yes.  I had just been Jehovah-jacked.

I find it disgusting when earnest young men, dressed in their white shirts, black ties, and backpacks come to my door to preach to me about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  Heck, I find it disgusting when little children ring my bell unaccompanied to sell me chocolate for their school fund raisers.

But at least I like chocolate.

But presuming to come to my house, and now to accost me in a gas station parking lot?  I have no patience for proselytizing, period.

Alliteration aside, these people do not know me.  They do not know how I believe, what I believe, if I believe. And their blanket presumption that whatever those answers are, I must be doing it all wrong and am in need of their saving? 

It’s beyond rude.

Yet, as unsettling as the old man encounter may have been, or how irritated I get when I see the young men on their bicycles canvassing my neighborhood, they do not hold a votive candle to the religious raping that occurred this past weekend.

We were ensconced in yet another two days of soccer play offs, in which only one of our daughters was participating.  Normally, our 14 year old would have been home, thus freeing the ten year old from being held captive on the sidelines of her 13 year old sister’s games, however, the built-in babysitter was away on a school field trip, meaning our youngest was faced with toughing it out – just her and her Nintendo DS – as she got dragged along for the weekend.

Lo and behold, the phone rang the night before and it was her soccer coach (her season has ended) offering to pick her up and let her spend the day with him and his daughter, a wonderful little girl on her team, instead of having to sit through a long Saturday of sister-soccer.

My husband and I (and of course, our 10 year old) truly appreciated the generosity of the gesture and arranged that he would pick her up from the fields the next morning after the first game was over.

Now, I freely admit, even being the over-the-top, will-go-out-of-my-way-for-anyone person that I am, I was frankly surprised at his willingness to come all the way to a different town to pick her up.

But, I let it go.

After the first game, he arrived with his kids to pick up our daughter.  We chatted about their plans for the day, which included mention of errands like a haircut for himself (fine), lunch (of course), and probably a movie (how fun!).  We kissed our daughter, and completely trusting she was in good hands, turned our backs and headed to the next game.

Later that afternoon, my cell rang and it was her coach, checking in.  Everything was fine, but there was a cool car show at Hooters that his 13 year old son wanted to check out, and he wanted permission to take her there for something to eat.  I joked that his son wanted to check out the “headlights”, not the cars, but that yes, a hamburger at Hooters was fine. 

I don’t like Hooters.  I think Hooters is ridiculous.  And even if there were a restaurant for women called Boners, I wouldn’t go.  Not because I am a prude, I simply think it is stupid.

But, I let it go.

That night, while tucking her into bed, we talked about what they did that day.  She talked about how short the shorts were on the Hooters waitresses (good girl!), but that the hamburger was good.  Then she said they went to some “church-like” place for a while and that she was uncomfortable there.  No mention of going to see the movie Happy Feet as we had discussed.

At that point the hairs stood up a bit on the back of my neck, but she was really tired and falling asleep.

We don’t go to church.

We have specific reasons for not going to church.

I wasn’t happy about that being included in her day, but, I let it go.

Well, as it turns out, there were more details forthcoming. 

While at the “church-like place”, Carson was plied with candy, raffle tickets to win a bike or scooter, and skits, which she admits seemed fun at the time. 

Then a “whole bunch of people” were sitting and listening to someone called Captain Kelly preach to them “really loudly”.  Then he asked for “everyone who has not let Jesus into your hearts yet” to come forward.  It was then that her coach told her to go to the front of the church with the other people who were moving forward.

To say my husband and I were sickened when she told us this, is an understatement of Biblical proportions.

To her credit, this child who has been taught that it is OK to tell an adult No when something makes her uncomfortable, refused him and stayed seated.

Asked what happened next, she went on to describe how all the people – kids, grown-ups, etc – who had gone forward, were TAKEN OUT OF THE ROOM.  (Yes, this man was not only encouraging her to join a group of strangers, but to leave his sight.)

The service moved on with her coach shoving a dollar into her hand to put in the offering basket, and then Captain Kelly repeatedly shouting that “if you do not go to church every Sunday, you will not go to the sacred place (heaven)”.

Forgive me a moment while I swallow another wad of bile threatening to hit my keyboard.

So, in summary, my ten year old child was emotionally raped by her soccer coach, told flat out that she has not let Jesus in her heart, and that since she does not attend church, she is going to Hell.

I believe in the Ten Commandments, but last night my husband and I were ready to throw “Thou shalt not kill” right out on its ass.

I cannot even begin to explain how violated we feel by this man.  He stood there, lying through his teeth about movies and fun, and then took our daughter to be “saved”.

And then to Hooters. 

Blatant hypocrisy fan that I am (gag), I love that he asked our permission to take her to Hooters, but not to take her to church.

Again, we are not a family that attends church.  We believe in God, we do not believe in religion.  It is very simple.  It is not a lack of faith in Jesus or God or even faith itself.  It is because religion does not bring people together - it separates them into clumps of people who are afraid of one another and who judge one another. 

Don’t believe me?  Turn on the news.  Heck, turn to your own heart and see just how you view someone who doesn't go to your brand of cathedral.

Rudy and I are raising our children to look at the world with open eyes and to accept people with open hearts, not to judge them or have the first question they ask be, "What church do you go to?" because it should not matter.  Our girls are friends with people based on how the other people behave.  The content of their heart, not how often they sit in a pew.

The funny part is that our 10 year old has a better understanding of, and connection to, God, than most people ever will.  She is loving, open, accepting, caring, self sacrificing - and to tell her she has never let Jesus in her heart is reprehensible.   To plant a seed that she is going to Hell?  It sickens me.

If church fits someone's lifestyle, or needs, or fills a void, that's fine.  I respect that.  We are teaching our children to respect that.  It’s an adult choice to go.  It’s a parent's choice to take their own children.  But to take someone else's child without their permission?  To proselytize to them?  To make them uncomfortable or risk their safety by encouraging them to leave a room with a bunch of strangers?

I'm sure in his mind, his heart was in the right place, but in ours, what he did was so far beyond the pale, we simply cannot allow her to go out with him and his daughter alone again.  The violation of our trust, the flat out lying to us about what they were doing that day makes it impossible for us to risk her safety, state of mind and heart, or, quite frankly, our time with him anymore.

The descriptions of candy, tickets to win a bike or scooter, etc - it's simply not what we want our children exposed to.  Bribing a child or tricking them into religion is not how they should come to God. 

A person's relationship with God is a one on one affair. 

No one else is responsible for my soul, my husband’s soul, or our daughters’ souls.  We don’t need saving.  And believe me, I don’t need someone coming to my home, or dragging my child to their church.  I live in the buckle of the Bible belt.  Churches are on more street corners than Starbucks down here.  If I want to go to church, I know where they are.

I believe that what scares people like her coach is this:  We are decent, loving, open, giving, generous, sacrificing people.  We have a 16 year happy, fulfilled marriage and three compassionate, caring children, we know peace – all the things churches teach you can only be yours if you attend every week and tithe 30% of your income.

But we don’t go to church.  So how can we possibly be all these things, have all these things?  I’m sure it doesn’t make sense to anyone who has been indoctrinated and screamed at weekly about going to Hell for nonattendance.

Our belief is simple.  We do not need a church around us to talk to God or feel his presence.  I don't view God as someone I need to make an appointment with each Sunday.  I talk to Him all the time.  That's the thing religion misses – the thing religion doesn’t want people to figure out.  God doesn't live in some big building with a cross on top, He is portable.  God is like an iPod, and you can listen to His “greatest hits” anytime because He lives in a person's heart.

I'm glad my daughter’s belief is stronger than her coach’s.  She knows that what Captain Kelly (ok, forgive me Father, for I am about to sin – what THE hell kind of stupid ass name is that anyway?) said is not true.  And not because of anything Rudy and I have taught her. 

Carson came into this world with an understanding of God and Heaven built in.  She could tell you stories about Heaven that would shame a minister. 

She has been there.  And she has no fear of where she's going, because she knows exactly where she came from.  And I guarantee you, this child who constantly gives every cent she has to charities, who champions every underdog child in her school, who cut all her hair off last summer so that a child with cancer might have a pretty wig to wear, is not going to Hell.  If anything, there’s going to be a ticker tape parade when she gets back to Heaven. 

I encourage every person of faith to enjoy your faith. Revel in it with people who are like-minded.  Find comfort in it.  Use it to justify what you need it to justify.  Just don’t force it on other people who think differently.

And don't ever make the mistake of stealing someone's child and exposing them to it without express permission. 

Because you have been warned.  That other parent will come down on you like the wrath of the very God you claim to worship.

Comments

[Ming]

What the coach did is sickening. I wonder if he thought up this course of action all by himself, or if such "aggressive proseletizing" is encouraged by others in his church.

I think it's very important that you remove your daughter from his soccer team immediately; that way, it will really sink in with her that what was done to her was WRONG and it is a VERY BIG DEAL that someone mistreated her that way. What I'm trying to say is, "business as usual" won't cut it.

[Lori in Texas]

Linda - Update please? Did you ever speak with the coach face-to-face? Did you ever receive a response? Did you hear anything from the league? Have you spoken with other parents from the team? How is your daughter?

Been wondering....

[Porter]

(Warning: I ramble a little)
Okay. I've been reading this weblog for quite a while, and I find your take on life to be very humorous and wickedly insightlful. But until now, I have never felt the need to voice my comments. But what your daughter experienced can be described as an attempted emotional abduction. You and your husband are to be commended on raising such an emotionally stable and mature child. I don't doubt that the coach thought he was performing an important service, and that his every intention was good (I'll give him the benefit of the doubt because I have no other knowledge). But my question to him would be: "You felt it necessary to ask my permission to take my daughter to Hooters. Why did you feel you needed to hide the idea of taking her to your church? Obviously you felt open and comfortable about that. Why are you not as open and comfortable about your church? Why did you purposely neglect to tell us about that?"

I'll admit it. When it comes to my children, I can get very confrontational. (Imagine a "Mama Bear" protecting one of her cubs....well, I'm "Papa Bear", but with a bigger temper.) If it were my child, I'd report the coach to the league. I have to believe that unless the league is sponsored or otherwise connected to a church, they would take a very dim view of their coach having a "team outing" at a church. And if your daughter agreed (because, let's face it, teens and pre-teens have pretty strong feelings about fitting in with their peers) I'd remove her from this team as soon as possible.

[Mary Alice]

The dichotomy of the Hooters Luncheon and the Come Jesus Meeting really blows my mind. I had an Evangelical neighbor who explained to my (then six year old) daughter, that she would not be going to heaven and did not have Jesus in her heart because she was not a member of their denomination - we are Episcopalians BTW, that horrible female bishop electing, gay tolerant denomination…and weekly attendees at that - it was all I could do not to freak out on the woman. I explained very gently to my neighbor in that voice you tend to use with simple or mentally unstable people, that religion is a personal family matter and that perhaps, just a guess here, telling a six year they would be going to hell, is NOT what Jesus would do.

[Kim in Canada]

I just want to applaud your daughter for doing what was right for HER. I am very proud of her for not getting lead up to the front with, ewwww, "Captain Kelly" and then be taken away to another room at that. For a 10 year old, she sounds pretty darn mature. Cheers to her, and to you and your husband for raising such fine children.

[Lori in Texas]

Amen to that, Rudy.

Walking into a church, subscribing to a particular organized religion and/or attending regular services does NOT make someone a "good" Christian - or a "good" ANYTHING for that matter. Some of the scummiest people on the planet were (and are) regular church-goers. Even a trained seal or monkey could go to church and fit in. It's what's in your heart and soul that matters.

That coach might have been talkin' the talk, but he sure wasn't walkin' the walk.
Jesus Christ spoke loudly and often about hypocrites... but I guess it's obvious that *someone* missed that part of the Bible.

Shame on him.

[Rudy]

I know we are truly blessed, church or no church.

[Lori in Texas]

Linda, I am a Roman Catholic Christian and am behind you 100% on your feelings about this situation. What that man did to your daughter - and subsequently to you - was completely wrong and reprehensible. Situations like this are what give the Christian faith a bad reputation. The coach was dishonest in the extreme, showing him to be the true hypocrite that he is.
I hope that you have confronted him about this - if you have not, then you MUST. Don't let this incident go in silence and unaddressed. And, as a previous respondent said, I would remove her from that coach's team and report what happened to the league's administrators.
What the coach did made you uncomfortable, made your daughter uncomfortable and, most of all, was not approved by you. His behavior (though well-meaning, I'm sure) was totally inappropriate.
I'd close by saying "God Bless You, Linda" but it's obvious that He already has. He has blessed you with intelligent and happy children, a loving husband, and an above-average intelligence and wisdom.
So I'll close with hugs from Plano.
- Lori

[Shana]

Linda,

It consistently amazes me how you are able to sum up my beliefs so that I never even have to. And you do it so poignantly.

I am sickened by what your Carson's coach did to her and to your family. The thing that makes me the most angry is that he obviously knew what he was doing was wrong or he would have listed it will all the other harmless things they would be doing that day-- haircut, movie, lunch, stop by the church raffle.

I sure hope you have sent this post directly to his inbox... and changed Carson's soccer team assignment for next season.

I feel sick to my stomach on your behalf.

[Linda Sharp]

George - thank you for your comments. This world is going to live or die on our ability to respect one another and our differences. My fervent prayer is that people open their eyes and realize that just because someone doesn't believe the way they do, it does not demean or threaten how they do believe.

[George]

I completely agree with your reactions. I am a Chritstian and attend church, however no one has a right to force information about any religion onto someone else.