American Idol Results Recap, Wednesday, April 26: America May Still Love Ice Cream, But The Craving For Pickles Is Over

Before we get to the meat of tonight’s results recap, I would like to concentrate on the chewy gristle that apparently gets stuck in our teeth for 24 hours at a time after each performance night.

Today’s tasty, yet also distasteful, morsel being Katharine McPhee and her now infamous yellow dress.

Well, judging by today’s unprecedented Googling, the Beatles need to float their submarine to the side, because the only yellow thing we all want to be in is Katharine’s revealing frock.

I mentioned in the recap that not only was it cut down to “here”, and squishing her famously Googled boobs together like gym class kick balls, but that it was also slit up to “there”, showing off more than a little leg with each move she attempted. Unfortunately - her big stomp ripped the seam, causing a wardrobe malfunction unrivaled since Janet Jackson flashed us during Super Bowl XXXVIII, which incited a political Nipplegate that was, quite frankly, much aboob about nothing (sorry Janet, but really, you’re not exactly carrying a full spice rack up there).

Yes, in slo-mo, close-up replay, you can see Katharine’s underwear covered crotch. And yes, perhaps she was asking for the attention by donning that Frederick’s of Hollywood gown to begin with, but was it really worth the time and keystrokes people invested today in trying to see it again, and again, and again?

With the exception of someone who Googled for Garrett Johnson (sad really - let the little cowboy-who-could ride off into the sunset where he belongs), all Google related links to the Don’t Get Me Started blog (and there were THOUSANDS upon THOUSANDS and counting) were based on her name and some compilation of the keywords: breasts, yellow dress, crotch shot, thighs, g-string, boobs, slit, ripped dress, and naked.

I honestly don’t think a dress has upstaged its human hanger this much since JLo donned that green handkerchief to present at the 2000 Grammys.

Ironically, it makes the new movie American Dreamz - the humorous big screen rip on American Idol and politics, that much more relevant. We truly are all completely pathetic and our priorities are as scrambled as a Denny’s Grand Slam breakfast platter.

Think about it - if we put as much effort into researching things like the environment, politicians and pressing global affairs, as we did trying to catch an instant, unlimited replay of Katharine McPhee’s crotch, we could conceivably change the world.

As it is, we reserve our fiery, passionate, opinionated watercooler debates for handicapping the American Idol contestants, and our online surfing time in the endless quest for naked photos of them all.

I guess the Da Vinci code did indeed lead to the Holy Grail - but not even Dan Brown or Opus Dei knew it resided under the bright yellow dress of a 21 year old, reality TV contestant.

Now, onto the recap…

Ryan opened the show asking the question, “Who melted your heart and who left you cold, America?” Well, apparently 47 ½ million votes burned up the phone lines last night, so at least one person should be feeling the Idol love today: the person who said, “Hey, why don’t we start giving the kids TWO phone lines?” Seriously, give that intern a corner office, or at least a free t-shirt.

Underscoring how close we are getting to the May finale, was the fact that only one Couch of Carnage was needed to house all the twitchy, nervous bottoms of the final six. And you could see them trying to smile and figure out why they were seated next to whoever they were seated next to.

Ryan intro’d the judges who were all dressed for an execution - seriously, Randy: BLACK; Paula: BLACK, including the funereal Mardi Gras beads she draped around her neck: Simon: BLACK.

Ryan then brought up that the FOX phone lines were ablaze with people critical about the treatment of Cheekbones McPorn by Simon last evening, at which point Simon pulled a total solar eclipse and apologized to her. Seriously kids, that kind of thing happens once in a very blue moon. He said that after watching the playback, she was not that bad and that he really liked the color of her panties.

OK, ok, I added that part, but still…

Watching the video recap of last night’s performances, however, I do not feel the need to reverse my opinions. In fact, after viewing Cheekbones full performance again earlier today, I was more disturbed by the posturing, vamping and contrived gestures than I was by the fact her dress parted like the Yellow Sea.

AFTER. THE. BREAK we returned to the weekly contestant ankle grabber - the Ford comical - wait, sorry, commercial. This week found the kids frantically searching for a lost dog, which was the only redeemable creature in the video. They chased it through town, knocking over café tables, causing mayhem, only to track the poor thing (who was incidentally wearing more bling than Smurfette) to a warehouse where his bee-yatch was in a box with puppies - alongside a new Ford Fusion, of course.

Ahhhh, puppies, Ford… no, I guess I miss the connection.

Finally, the bigger reason for watching this evening’s show began: the performance of Andrea Bocelli, accompanied on piano by uber-talented producer/composer David Foster. Singing Because We Believe from his latest CD Amore’, the lights dimmed, save for the twinklers and the overhead spots, which tonight truly gave new meaning to “blue light special”.

Andrea was mesmerizing, phenomenal. And anyone who disagrees with that statement is looking for a steel cage match with me. To hear anything but pure talent, majesty, beauty and class is to have gouged out your eardrums with knitting needles or to have your head entirely up your own ass.

Quite frankly, the caliber of the performer and the performance were more than that Idol stage deserves. It was a powerful performance typically seen only live in concert or during a PBS fundraising drive. Every single one of those kids was humbled - Andrea Bocelli is a vocal god - they are merely singers.

It was very gratifying to see the genuine emotion and appreciation for his talent shining in each one of their eyes when they made their way over to him after he was done singing.

Another break, which I used to watch the entire performance again - TWICE - brought us back to a quick chat with Lisa Tucker, promoting her appearance on tomorrow night’s The OC. I still love that girl’s smile - someone get Cover Girl on the phone for her.

And then it was time for tonight’s interpretive results dance - this evening done in three groups of two…

First off the couch was Cheekbones, considerably more covered up in jeans and a silky red & black halter top. Sashay over to the far side of the stage please.

Next, Elliott, chilling in a short sleeved shirt, jeans and tennis shoes was asked to pirouette to the center of the stage.

Pickles, still working her Wet Seal employee discount in jeans and an aqua tank top, her eyes covered in a gallon of matching Sherwin Williams semi-gloss, fandangoed her way to the near side of the stage.

Continuing the dance of a thousand dying dreams was Smurfette, who had difficulty with her grande jete’, weighed down as she was by all those gumball necklaces and crosses - luckily only had to go as far as Pickles.

Taylor, a square dancing man, dosy doed his way to center stage with Elliott.

Finally Chris, in jeans, a black shirt, and muscles fruged his way to the far side with Cheekbones.

And so they were divided - Top 2 Vote Getters, Bottom 2 Vote Getters, and GASP! Two Vote Getters right in the middle! Even Dan Brown wasn’t this ingenious!

Ryan, eager to get this over with, quickly dispatched Taylor and Elliott back to the safety of the couches - they were our middle two.

We had to wait another 3 million dollars to return to Ryan, flanked on one side by Cheekbones and Chris and on the other by Pickled Smurfette.

We did not, however, have to wait long for the news that Cheekbones and Chris D were the highest vote getters of last night. Hmmmm, maybe that seam ripped on purpose??? 

That left Pickles, truly shellshocked at her first time in the Singing Sewer, and Smurfette, a frequent flyer who has perfected the plastered perm grin. But where Pickles seemed truly scared, Smurfette was beyond cocky, acknowledging that this was only her FIRST time in the bottom two.

Just keep smiling Smurfie…your expiration date is just about here and you are starting to curdle around the edges…

Ryan then ended the suspense by sending Smurfette back to the couches and Pickles back to reality, where they don’t eat funny foods like caaaalamaari, or use big words like minx and ballsy.

An unplugged version of Bad Day played as her Idol journey tape rolled and I found myself a tad sad for the little blonde who really did start out as a favorite, but who slipped in the slickness of her own ignorance and fell from America’s grace.

Admitting she “learned a lot” in the past months, I daresay that learning curve will continue. I predict that Pickles will have more opportunities laid at her feet than even the contestant  who wins Season 5 will see. Modeling (Pantene, Crest Whitestrips), endorsements (Seattle Salmon Council, National Spelling Bee, Spinach Co-op of America…), acting (someone get a remake of Three’s Company optioned - we have the next Suzanne Somers ready to roll)…

Yes, I think it is safe to say that even though Pickles will no longer be the main course on the American Idol menu, she certainly won’t be “on the side” for very long.

Remember, we’re a stupid, shallow people - we’ll be Googling naked pictures of her again in no time.

Comments

[Juniata]

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[Baron]

I'm trying to understand the outrage of Chris's dismissal. I don't understand why a touring (bus, band etc) entertainer is even on the show and in the competition. Taylor also seems to, be making his living entertaining. I thought Idol was to find new talent and give them a chance.

Baron

[TONIE]

HI LINDA, AS USUAL I SPED TO THE OFFICE THIS MORNING AND GOT TO MY COMPUTER A FAST AS I COULD, AFTER YOU HAD ME PEEING IN PANTS YESTERDAY ( AS I KNEW YOU WOULD, I THOUGHT AS I SAW PAULA CRYING....IF SHE ONLY KNEW SHE GAVE YOU SUCH GOOD MATERIAL.) BUT ALL IN ALL TUESDAY NIGHT WAS A HUMMDINGER OF MATERIAL REALLY. WHAT WITH KITTY KAT'S DRESS POPPING OPEN, AND PAULA CRYING, AND DAVID FOSTER BEING....WELL DAVID FOSTER. AS I READ YOU RECAP TODAY, I FEEL FOR PICKLES, BUT I HAVE THE STRANGEST FEELING WE WILL SEE HER AGIAN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN. THANK GOD SHE DIDN'T GET TO SING, BUT AS I AM SURE YOU DID NOTICE, SHE SOUNDED LIKE SHE ACEPTING A GRAMMY UP THERE. THEY CUT HER OFF , RAN THE CREDITS, AND ENDED THE SHOW......AND SHE WAS STILL TALKING, THE ONLY THING I COULD THINK OF WAS THAT BORROWED PAULA'S BOOK ON " HOW TO TALK FOR HOURS AND SAY NOTHING FOR DUMMIES" FROM THE NIGHT BEFORE.

WELL CIAO FOR NOW

P.S THE FORD COMICAL...COMMERCIAL, THE DOG LEDS THEM TO A CONVERTABLE BLACK MUSTANG, NOT FORD FOCUS. APPERANTLY FORD WAS WHIPPING OUT THE BIG GUNS FOR THE DOG COMMERCIAL.

Dearest, darling Linda,

I anticipate reading your daily musings more than shrimp and grits at Sunday brunch! That said, allow me to introduce myself as a resident of Albemarle, NC. Yes, Pickles and I share the same ZIP code. Despite the great brouhaha that erupts weekly in town...they actually close off the downtown area for a sidewalk-meet-greet-lets all watch Idol together-type affair...there does exist a minority who has been more than a little disturbed by the antics of our little gherkin.
Just as Lorraine Hansbury pondered the outcome of a dream deferred, I've questioned the metamorphosis of silky sweet rural naiveté left unrefrigerated . . . Honey...it goes large curd! I've watched over the past weeks as wide-eyed innocence and gentle charm has denigrated into a quivering mass of near brain-dead ignorance. It is embarrassing! Worse yet, realizing, despite her being questioned in the chat chairs about this particular subject, that it IS simply an act. Now granted, a great number of residents of this fair hamlet would be completely clueless if they saw “calamari” on a menu, and no doubt many would be unfamiliar with the usage of “minx”. But sugah, please! Ballsy?! Honey, ballsy WE KNOW! Southerners are nothing if not adept at floral (albeit often malodorous) descriptive language. This is doubly true of any adjective derived from genitalia or some excretory function!
I do wish Pickles all the best this world has to offer. She’s a beautiful young girl, with no small talent, and I genuinely believe, a sparkling personality. She’s as deserving of success as anyone I know. Bless her heart, it’s a shame that she spent that much time and energy portraying herself as much less than she is!

[Lori in Texas]

As much as I dislike Pickles (or, actually, have COME to dislike her in the last several weeks), I thought it was very mature of her to say that she thought she was the one who deserved to go home, based on her recent performances... and that was BEFORE Ryan told her she was the one leaving. She said it after he announced that she and Paris were the "Bottom Two" and I don't think everyone heard her.

Her attitude was so unlike Cheekbones' attitude... remember when she has been in the bottom three and she acted offended??? Kellie accepted the fact that she had put herself in the bottom and took responsibility on live national TV. After so many weeks of being disgusted by her, I was finally proud of her again. Bravo, Kellie!!!

She left with dignity and, thank God, did not sing. A dual blessing.

- Lori

[Gwendolyn]

Linda,
Again, you have had me hootin' and hollerin' and totally agreeing with you.
I was wondering, did you notice the awkward body language between Smurfette and Pickles??? Pickles gave a half hearted cheek kiss and Smurfette stood so far away from her that she wasn't in the lights. THEN, when Pickles lost, I noticed Smurfette, who cries for every loser, did not shed ONE high pitched tear...hmmm....in fact, she looked rather smug, like, "Hah!"
I have to admit tonight was like a dream come true--my two least favorites on stage together...ah...bliss.