American Idol Results Recap, Wednesday, April 19: Ace In The Hole…And Buried

You know that brief rush of excitement you get when you put on a pair of pants you haven’t worn in ages and find a crumpled up twenty in the back pocket?

Or the smug sensation that envelopes your body when the alarm goes off at 6am and you suddenly remember it’s Saturday and can lazily drift back to sleep?

And what about those times when you’re last in line in a public restroom and have to go so badly your eyes have turned yellow and your colon is threatening to dye your britches brown - you‘re sweating, twitching, saying the rosary, seeing visions? But somehow you manage to hold it just long enough?

Yeah, borderline ecstasy - I know.

That’s the sensation I have had all day since checking my TiVo schedule and discovering that tonight’s results show was only 32 minutes long - NOT AN HOUR.

Yes, I feel like I’ve found money in my pants (and nothing else) on a cold Saturday morning.

You know, I mentioned last night that my own daughters, fervent Idol worshippers for years, opted out last evening when another Grandfather came on as the celebrity guest. Seriously, there has been more wrinkled skin in this season than in a litter of Shar Peis.

Between Stevie Wonder, Barry Manilow, Kenny Rogers, Queen, and now Rod Stewart, American Idol is certainly working at alienating a huge segment of its fan base. Sure, they’re still selling ad spots full speed ahead (finale commercials are priced at 1.3 million per 30 second spot), but when it comes to that Idols Live Summer Tour - they are going to find out just how much they have not sold the people who typically drive the success of those concerts - KIDS.

It’s not that I haven’t enjoyed attending the shows too, but I can tell you that the only reason I have parted with my credit card number in the past is due to relentless begging, pleading, whining, and whimpering by my daughters.

Not so 2006.

But onto the recap of tonight‘s Rodapalooza…

Yes, Tonight’s The Night we find out if DialIdol.com (the speed-dialing-Idol-voting-hijacker service) has again correctly predicted who will hear from the public, “I Was Only Joking” and that the Infatuation with their presence is now over.

They have predicted Ace will be thrown under the bus, business suit, ponytail, and all, this evening. Let’s see if they were right…

Ryan opened the show, again working his inner Hugo (mob) Boss in black, black and black. He also wacked the last of his stubblette - clean shaven as a baby’s bottom - or Paula’s cleavage…

A quick intro of the judges showed Randy eschewing his typical stripes for boring brown; Paula - who incidentally is looking more and more like a Bratz doll each week, was being attacked by Hairzilla; and Simon was as bland as tapioca in a light colored sweater.

A quick video recap of last night’s performances was bearable, after all, it was one of the standout evenings in a season as unbalanced as Ms. Abdul after a late night barfight. I usually fast forward through the rewinds, but this evening I watched and it afforded me a good second glance (and freeze frame) at her bodacious cleavage . Last night I had thought she was holding Rod Stewart’s naked baby Alistair upside down in her lap, but I was wrong. His booty is way too small for what I saw. I now believe she was actually holding a naked Rod Stewart upside down in her lap…

After the first break, we returned to our weekly date with the devil - the Ford Fusion commercial - this week done to the song Kids In America. Either it was actually good, or Satan has now got a firm grip on my soul, because I honestly enjoyed this one. The kids were superimposed on moving billboards and concert sign bills, the graphics were fun, it was interesting to watch.

Oh, and it was SHORT.

You gotta love it for at least that reason.

Then Ryan welcomed Rod Stewart to the stage and I began to believe I truly was in Hell - for as he emerged from backstage, resplendent in a gold jacket, dress pants and tie, the band was playing the intro music for Do Ya Think I’m Sexy.

In that moment I suffered a serious crisis of faith, for if he had started singing those lyrics, surely it would have meant there is no God.

A miracle occurred though and he simply walked over to the couches and sat down to chat with Ryan. He declared all the kids “great to work with” and then talked about currently working on a 70’s classic rock album. (Look for him to show up during 70’s night next season - someone call the Scooter Store now and get his transportation arranged, please.)

He then took the stage, twinkle lights blazing, a full moon screensaver (no, not Paula’s chest) behind him, to sing The Way You Look Tonight.

Again, I love Rod, but man, this was as painful as his joints on a cold England morning. His movements were stilted and he clearly suffers from the same disease as Ace - actoutthesonginsignlanguagefortheignorantviewersitus - Hugging himself to represent “cold”, touching his schnoz for “Wrinkle your nose”.

While it was nice to see him be a grown-up, it was also terribly boring, and by the song’s end I had drifted So Far Away, it took a Lethal Dose of Love, in the form of my dog’s tongue up my left nostril, to yank me back to reality.

(And for the record, my daughters were no where to be found. They had bolted immediately after the Ford commercial, with the words, “just tell us who gets voted off!“)

The kids joined him onstage at the end of the song and while the others were content to shake his hand or give him the macho one-shoulder hug - Pickles, dressed tonight as a candy cane, attacked the poor man. Did you catch this? Every step he moved away, she moved in closer and closer. He seriously seemed freaked out by her stalker stance.

AFTER. THE. BREAK Ryan informed us that next week’s theme is the Greatest Love Songs of All Time and that next week’s guest coach will be none other than internationally renowned tenor, Andre’ Bocelli. This meant absolutely zero to 25 million viewers. If Rod Stewart and Stevie Wonder left the viewers cold, one has to wonder what in the world Nigel Lythgoe is smoking?

Don’t get me wrong here. I think Andre’ Bocelli is a vocal god. His voice is unparalleled. But on AI? With Pickles?!?

American Idol, American Idol, wherefore art thou, American Idol?

I guess my kids will be hoping for another showing of High School Musical.

Finally, it was time to get down to business. This evening’s shell game would be done by splitting the kids into two groups, and then guessing which one contained the loser.

Elliott was asked to start a pile on the far side of the stage. Chris was first in line on the near side.

Smurfette, dressed this evening as either a TV test pattern or June Cleaver, horsetail still firmly in place, joined Chris.

Pickles was sent to stand with Elliott, and then this is when it got a little interesting. Ace was sent to pile #2 with Chris and Smurfette. Whoa.

Cheekbones was dispatched to Elliottville, leaving Taylor alone on the Couch of Carnage.

Ryan recapped his song from last night, along with the judges’ comments and deemed him SAFE right where he was.

Now that was no real surprise - Taylor is consistently drawing the highest number of votes - but what happened next was completely distasteful on the part of the producers.

Taylor was asked to go stand with the group HE thought was SAFE … AFTER. THE. BREAK.

Talk about being asked to bend over and take it up the caboose. Taylor was as screwed as a man outside a prison shower can get.

He first walked over to Chris’s group and shook his hand, but then quickly turned and walked over to stand with Pickles, Elliott and Cheekbones. And the look on his face was one completely unfamiliar to Soul Patrol fans - he was pissed. Period. End of story.

As it turned out, he was standing with the SAFE group. Elliott had managed to escape the noose, somehow sending Chris to the bottom three with Ace and Smurfette.

That’s just not right. Even the Smurfette part, and I don’t even like her.

Smurfette was immediately granted a reprieve and went to sit back down, leaving Chris and Ace to face the judges, the audience, the completely confused viewers at home. Simon predicted Ace would go and Ryan quickly confirmed that, indeed, Ace had missed the voter boat.

Did you catch the look on Paula’s face? Lock your doors tonight, kids. She is out for our blood.

A quick Bad Day recap of Ace’s journey and then he was handed the mike to sing for 30 seconds - yes, That’s All he was given before the next show kicked in.

So we are down to six - three ladies, three gentlemen. Can Chris reclaim his rock edge on a love song night? Will Taylor be able to rinse the bad taste, left by the AI producers, from his mouth in time to smile again next week? Will Pickles ask Andre’, “How do I look?”

Tune in next week to find out. Unless, High School Musical is on, of course.

Comments

[Gwendolyn]

I agree with the "Chris in the bottom three" hulabalu, but I think it has to do with the singing first curse. Thinking back to this season, almost all contestants that sing first end up in the bottom 3. Do we really have that bad of an attention span that we forget to vote for #1??? I rather thought Paris, Pickles, and Ace sang songs that were so obscure that the younger audiences wouldn't dig it. At least Chris sang a song that has been in movies and commercials. At least youngins' can identify with that song.
I just want Pickles to go, I used to like her, but ugh, now when she opens her mouth I want to knock her on her ass...

[James Hudnall]

Linda,

This may answer your question why all the "old people". Frankly, I think it's time adults get treated with respect.

http://jameshudnall.com/blog.php?/weblog/step_aside_kids/

[TONIE]

I love you, and think you are sooooo funny, every Tuesday and Wednesday I speed to work so I can read you, and me and my Mom ( yes i work with my mother) laugh our asses off.
I personally have some issues with AI, first off it seems as though the first few episodes were like : Hey pick whatever you want to sing you suck anyway.
and although Rod Stewart has seen better career days, at least this week it was good, and next week should be even better. Here's the problem:
Now that they are picking these "boring" themes, the singing is better, but the kids won't watch. When the themes sucked, and the singing was horrible, the kids watched. Yes the kids go to the concerts, and buy into all of the AI gobble di gook, but given the fact that you can turn on any radio station, and hear crap for teenyboppers, i wouldn't mind letting the adults pick out music for a change. I mean really, they have Linsay Hoe-han, and Brittney ( child services poster girl) Spears, and all kinds of other untalented who-has nowadays, aren't we entitled to a little music we may want to enjoy? I know it makes them not want to watch, but I accually likes Tuesday night, and the right person got voted off, also a big change. Maybe adults voted more, I mean if we are subjected to this show because of the kids in the first place, aren't we entitled to a little somethin' somethin'? I say Adult AI rulz, I cannot wait to see The Pickle get fried on Tuesday. As an adult, this is one show I don't want to miss, for the singing, and the Humor ( the kids might not even get).

[James Hudnall]

Pickler is looking for a father figure, since her's is on "vacation" so she probably hoped Uncle Rod would be it after he gave her some props earlier.

I was a little surprised that Chris was in the bottom 3, but to be honest, I think his performance was pretty by the numbers. Professional, but nothing new. So I think he may be losing his fans. Also, the themes may have diven away the kids who have been voting for him, leaving us adults, many of whom like Taylor.

At this point, there is no fat on dem bones. Before, the weaker contestants would take the fall for the others. But now, everyone left is good. So it's gonna get ugly.

[Shana]

Another fab recap, Linda! Just love the way you sum it all up. I laughed out loud at your prediction that Pickles will ask the blind man how she looks. You now have me as nervous about their interactions as I felt while watching "Meet The Parents" or any time George W. takes the mic.

[Lori in Texas]

Love song choices for Chris:

"Love Stinks"
"I Hate Myself For Loving You"
"Love Hurts"

I vote for "Love Stinks." I think that one would really blow poor Andrea Bocelli's mind.

Speaking of Andrea Bocelli... I love the guy and have several of his CDs, but I think Josh Groban completely sucks Andrea's doors off. Andrea has a very singular style and it's difficult to understand him when he speaks sometimes, so watching his sessions with the AI contestants will be intriguing. he doesn't sing American pop songs - he sings ITALIAN pop songs and that's a whole 'nother kettle of fish right there.

Oh - and Rod's performance tonight was AWFUL!!!! He was more off-key than Kellie was last night, and did you hear his voice keep cracking??? Yikes, dude. Time to cash in the chips and find a nice retirement beach. Horrendous.

I would say a whole lot more, but, as usual, you've already said it for me. Very nice recap, Linda!!!

[Gwendolyn]

Okay, so what is up with High School Musical???? I caught it about a month ago on a whim. I got sucked in by the appalingly accurate portrayal of a high school Drama teacher (I happen to be a crazy High school drama teacher) and ended up watching the whole movie. I actually saved it on my tivo to video tape for my students to prove that the stereotype is indeed true to find our from the that they ALL have seen it! THEN, you mention it last night, along with many of your readers. Here I thought I discovered a random film, and I come to find out it is some kind of cult film phenomenon. Huh.
By the way, I teach in Colorado and one of my students grew up with Ace's family--can't wait to hear her reaction tomorrow...she has been rather supportive of Ace through the whole thing, and I have had to bite my tongue on many a Wednesday mornings....