American Idol Recap, Tuesday, April 18: Spare The Rod? That Would Have Spoiled The Night

Buckilocks was voted off a week ago. The sweet southern rocker with the goofy grin and laidback demeanor is no more. (Well, no more until the AI summer tour rolls through your town to pick your pockets clean.)

I wasn’t surprised by his ouster, however, I was surprised by the outpouring of support on his behalf. After spending the past week fielding a collection of emails that combined both outrighteous indignation with mourning not seen since Elvis last left the building, I must admit, I entered this week more than a little befuddled.

Watching him on Ellen yesterday did little to clear it up for me. Singing Superstition, with only a piano for accompaniment, I found myself cringing a bit - in the way you do when an 8 year old child sings My Humps in the school talent show. It was embarrassing and more than a little disconcerting.

Yes, I know Buckilocks has a solid fan following, but it simply could not be based on his talent alone - not that that would be anything new for American Idol - John Stevens, Jasmine Treas ring a bell? Rather, I think Bucky’s appeal was in his “everyman” quality - he always seemed to just be enjoying the ride, appreciating the time in the spotlight, and aware that there was no way in hell he was ever going to win this thing.

That being said - my advice to those of you who have wept in my inbox would be this: Get over it. He has.

Now, onto the recap…

Well, welcome to another week of American-Invite-The-Oldest-Once-Hugely-Popular-Singer-On-To-Idol!

Tonight’s rock relic? None other than the once white-hot, still cockatoo-haired popster turned warbler, Rod Stewart.

Do ya think he’s sexy?

Uh - not really…not anymore, anyway.

Don’t get me wrong. I like Rod. I’m a longtime fan of the man, in fact, I well remember going to an outdoor concert during his Early 90’s heydays and having a fabulous time as he rocked Hot Legs, Young Turks, and Tonight’s The Night. (Although I also remember drinking copious amounts of wine prior to the show…) He worked his brightly colored zoot suits, pokey hairstyle, even tossed in some bulge enhancing satin pants at one point. And his voice was as wonderfully raspy live as it has ever been on any album.

But that was over sixteen years ago.

Times change, wrinkles deepen, guts drop, and Hot Legs refer only to the heating pad used to relieve varicose veins.

I will say - to Rod’s credit - he has not tried to hang onto the bottom rung of his diminished fame. No, unlike The Rolling Crones of this world, Rod has accepted the fact that he has gotten older, would look like an arse strutting asking “Do ya think I’m sexy?”, and directed himself towards more grown-up audio fare: The Great American Songbook series of albums he has been successfully (16 million copies sold) churning out for many years now.

Although he is once again a new Daddy - his 8^th child - (and fiance to much younger Penny) at 61, Rod’s youthful follies stop there. You won’t find him encased in Spandex leopard hot pants anymore. Depends maybe…but not spandex.

Ryan kicked off the show in a dark suit, dress shirt and argyle tie, somberly pausing to mourn the passing of Bucky back into obscurity hell. A smattering of “ohhhhhh”s from the crowd tells me that the mourning period is nearly over.

A quick intro of the judges, Randy in his predictable stripes and still bogarting Lisa Loeb’s eyewear; Paula, straining to hold her head up under 70 pounds of hair extensions, was wearing Carmen Miranda’s old costume; Simon, obviously still grieving the loss of Buckilocks, was dressed all in black.

A video retrospective of Rod Stewart was helpful for the twenty million viewers who were still going, “Who?” since his appearance was announced at the end of last week’s show. My kids didn’t even pretend to be interested tonight - opting for another showing of High School Musical on the Disney Channel.

Take note Fox. Three girls. 14, 12 and 9. Cellphones at their disposal and they chose a movie they have seen roughly thirty times over American Idol.

Personally I enjoyed watching the clips of Rod strutting, rolling and gallivanting around the various stages, but then, I’m 40 years old and know who he is.

Rod then waxed rhapsodic about music and how all genres are really interconnected as each year gives way to the next, and I felt a small glimmer of hope that this night might not be the total ear bleeder the past few have been. He’s intelligent. He’s sincere. And he does not suffer wankers lightly.

The video showed him arriving to meet and rehearse each one of the kids, Penny and his adorable baby boy, Alistair, in tow. They were happy to meet him, but the girls seemed more enthralled with the baby, and the guys seemed more distracted by Penny’s considerable cleavage, which truly rivaled any of Paula’s previous attempts at boob bondage.

Rod said he thought the kids singing the standards was a “great way to put a lid on it”.

Now, I admit - given the shameless foreshadowing done by the AI producers, I felt the bottom go out for a moment. I can think of few things I put the lid on - the toilet being at the top of the short list…

No matter - Chris D was up first - and he can easily distract me from thoughts of toilet lids and 61 year old men in lipstick red spandex…

Chris chose to sing What A Wonderful World, turning his rocker image on its ear for the night. With his own personal gee-tar man sitting on the stage, Chris walked down the ramp dressed as a bouncer at a fancy steakhouse. I mean that in a good way. With his dress shirt rolled up to enhance and expose his considerable biceps, a black vest outlining the muscled “V” that is his upper body, black dress pants and shiny shoes - even a tie - albeit, a tie that was loosely tied cravat style inside his shirt - Chris looked toned down, but his individuality still came through.

The song was compelling, his delivery controlled, and his lower register is just downright hot. Anyone who thinks he is a one note wonder with his rock songs, needs to think again. Chris is versatile and has charisma that is seriously lacking in so many of the other contestants.

Randy agreed and stated, “Dude, you just slayed it!” and “It was da bomb!”; Paula, who for some reason had Rod Stewart’s naked baby upside down in her lap, thought he was fantastic; Simon took credit for the performance, as Chris had obviously heeded his warning to show another side, but also said it was a “great performance”.

Back from $3 million in commercials, we found Smurfette, dressed for her job as a flight attendant on Popsicle Airlines in a hot pink suit, talking to Ryan about her Easter basket and roller skating with friends. Riveting television…excuse me Miss, can I get some headphones and Bloody Mary mix, please?

Singing Foolish Things, Smurfette chose to stand still this evening, allowing her voice to “walk the talk” for her. Good choice for two reasons:

1. It kept the focus on her enormous vocal ability.

2. It kept the focus off the fact that she once again had Seattle Slew’s tail attached to her head.

I thought it was a great performance - the child can sing - no argument there. But, like Simon, I am continually irritated by the contradiction between the baby voice she speaks in and the grown up voice in which she sings.

Seriously, if she had never opened her mouth to speak, and had only been allowed to sing all these weeks, I believe people, across the board, would love her - adore her even. As it is, her days are sadly numbered.

Randy said her performance was “classy” (it was) and that this was her “greatest night ever” (quite possibly); The blood was continuing to rush to poor Alistair’s head as Paula squeezed his buttcheeks together and declared that if Smurfette made an album of old standards, “It would blow up.” (much like poor Alistair’s head if she doesn’t turn him right side up soon…)

Simon thought she was “stylish” but was bewildered by her speak vs. sing vocal discord.

Taylor was up next to share the Chat Chairs with Ryan, discussing the hilarious SNL spoof aired this weekend which lampooned Mr. Soul Patrol. Taylor, in a gray suit and a black shirt to match his eyebrows had not been offended by the parody at all - in fact he admitted that he loved it. And that is why we all love Taylor - he does not take himself too seriously - and let’s be honest - the SNL spot was genius - if you did not see it, give it a Google or head to GrayCharles.com to get in on the joke.

In the pre-sing interview, Rod said Taylor is great because he “grabs the audience by the Beeps!” - he actually said Balls, but this is a family show, so they beeped it out. Shakira can shake her half naked self around the stage, but the word “balls” is verboten? Puh-leez. We’re all grown-ups here - remember? The kids aren’t watching anymore.

Singing You Send Me, I was a tad worried that Taylor was going to send me to sleep at first. It started smooth enough, but also really understated, in a this-is-so-boring-I-think-I‘ll-trim-the-dog‘s-toenails kind of way.

Thankfully he revved things up towards the end and brought it home Taylor-style. A little dancing, some vocal gymnastics, and that exuberant personality of his. (Remind me to finish the dog’s toenails tomorrow - she’s now walking lopsided…)

Randy said he “kept it real” and “That was hot, man.”; Paula, hey Paula, I think Alistair is passed out…someone call CPS…; Simon said he felt it started out as “lame caberet, but then MAGIC!”

Next up was Elliott, one of our bottom dwellers from last week’s results show. Singing It Had To Be You, I hate to say it might just have to be him in the Bottom Three again tomorrow night. He looked good in his tux jacket, shiny purple dress shirt and jeans, his arm draped casually across Matilda the Mikestand, but it is really beginning to be apparent that, for all his vocal talent, he simply lacks the “It” gene.

His performance was nice, but that’s the problem. Even with his incredibly rich voice and range, he just leaves people a little “Eh”. Even livening up a tad at the end will not save him. It should. He deserves to stay. But as I said in the beginning about Bucky - this contest has never been strictly about talent.

Randy said it was a “good song choice” and “very, very nice”, code for "Dude, pack your bags tonight."; Paula - someone grab that baby please! Even his butcheeks are turning red! - she mumbled the word contemporizing (again, all credit goes to her Word O’The Day toilet paper); Simon echoed my concerns that he “lacks a degree of personality”.

Pickles was shown in her Rod video next, working her blond hair and blond brain, missing jokes, etc. Her final comment after her rehearsal with him? “You took a lot off my chest.” left even Rod speechless.

Rod Stewart speechless. Someone call the world record folks at Guinness - this is truly a first.

How fitting it was that Pickles chose to sing what could easily be her personal theme song, Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered. Dressed in a tight, magenta satin dress, gold wrap around heels and two bright red stop signs on her cheeks, Pickles stood in place tonight as well. No hair shaky, booty grinding, or knee dropping tonight.

I honestly thought it started out well, she sounded almost sweet, although the stop signs were really distracting, especially when her head was blown up on the screensaver behind her. Then she wobbled, and the line connecting her to the song got disconnected. It was weird - she suddenly seemed really lost and like she could not wait to get through the song. Too bad, because it had started with such promise.

Randy called her out for being a “bit pitchy in spots”; Paula was awaiting charges on child endangerment - why did Rod allow her to babysit Alistair anyway?? - she then said she can’t wait for Pickles’ acting career to get started. (Psst, Paula - there are many people out here in TVland who seem to think it is well underway.); Simon was blunt as a spoon - it was “a boring song”, it did not suit her, and it “wasn‘t great”.

Don’t sweat it Gherkin Fans - she’s not going anywhere, anytime soon.

Next up to play with his image, was Ace, singing That’s All, eschewing his rhinestone belt buckles and layered tshirts, opting instead for a GQ stockbroker look in a dark suit, white shirt and baby blue tie. And yes, his usually fluffy locks were slicked back into a ponytail.

I am not an Ace lover, but even I have to admit that he looked downright debonair. And his vocal was more than passable tonight - although I don‘t think he held a candle to Adam Sandler‘s version in The Wedding Singer. He did do the gratuitous falsetto thing again (STOP) and his last two words, “That’s aAaAaAaAaLlLlLlL” vibrated so much he sounded like a member of the Lollipop Brigade in the Wizard of Oz, but overall, it was a good night for Ace.

I still think he will be in the Bottom Three, but it would be a strong performance to go out on.

Randy offered up the cliché’, You worked it out” and gushed over his falsetto; Paula squeezed that poor little passed out baby’s buttcheeks even tighter as she leaned forward and called it a “magical night”; Simon was downright complimentary (seriously, did Paula slip him a Rufie tonight?) calling it a “charming performance”.

Finally, it was Cheekbones' turn to wrap up this evening which had turned out to be a pleasant surprise in a season bloated with mediocrity and oddball guest appearances. Singing Someone To Watch Over Me - she sat on the darkened stage, dressed in an understated black suit, a low ponytail, and a Mardi Gras necklace. She looked lovely, aside from obviously sharing the same blush-happy make-up artist with Pickles.

Her delivery was flawless, smooth, impeccable. And once again I was left marveling at how easy the whole singing thing seems to be. Then I let out a few notes of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and reminded myself, once again, that some people’s vocal cords come from Nordstrom and some people’s come from the Dollar Store. That some people, like Cheekbones, have a Lexus in their throats, while the majority of us drive the vocal highways in Edsels, VW microvans and Yugos.

Randy called it “excellent” and that Cheekbones was “in her element”; Paula, who should never be allowed within ten feet of another child, babbled that she was “falling in love with the essence of who you are”, as well as throwing in a reference to Mr. Holland’s Opus - which Cheekbones seemed thrilled about; Simon was the most generous (obviously the Rufie had an Ecstasy chaser) when he said, “I think you made the others look like good amateurs”, that she is “in a completely different league” and “it was great”.

So that wraps up “old standards” night at the American Idol Bar & Grill. We hope you are as satisfied as are we. The mood was light. The company was refreshing. And the songs were not watered down or overdone.

Be sure to tip your waitress and come back again tomorrow night.

Please.

I’m begging you.

Don’t leave me alone with another hour long results show….

Comments

[tripaway2day]

Damn! I can't believe I missed 'High School Musical'.

I've got to search for it on my DVR tonight.

[Martha]

Woo Hoo ! Way to rip Katherine a new one Lori.

I couldn't agree more.

Sick and tired of the CopyKat.

[Martha]

Loved the Alistar booty call on Pawlers chest.

Now, that was classic.

[Lori in Texas]

Acch... OK, can I borrow the soapbox for a minute? I'll try not to break the poor thing.

First off - Linda, you were dead-on tonight. Nicely recapped. Was that Paula under that avalanche of polyester hair or was that a Yeti? And, for God's Sake, someone needs to tell her to put those damned tits away. I'm sick and tired of Paula's rack on my TV every Tuesday and Wednesday. Enough is enough already. And I want the name of the moron who spent all day stuffing rainbows and sunshine up my boy Simon's arse. The main reason I watch AI is to see Simon tell it like it is... and now he's turned in to that guy from the damned Enzyte commercials. ....Go ahead... think about it... I'll wait for you to catch up.

The singers? OK...

Chris:
When he started singing "What A Wonderful World," I almost blew chunks and left the room. My first thought was, "W.T.F.????" (but not abbreviated) and my second thought was, "Ohhhhhh NOOOOOOOOOO!" Luckily my brain shut up long enough to hear the boy sing the song. He was amazing.

Smurfette:
I can't stand the little troll... but I shocked myself and LOVED her tonight. I think Billie Holliday has found a new bod.

Taylor:
I missed his performance due to my toddler filling her pull-up with nuclear waste. Why she couldn't have held on until Pickles' performance is something I plan to discuss with her, in-depth, tomorrow... when I have calmed down and the meds have kicked in. I missed my Soul Patrol fix and Mummy is not a cappy hamper about it.

Elliott:
Loved the song... but did you notice that he seemed genuinely terrified? I thought he sounded really really good... but when the camera pulled in for a close-up, he was definitely in the "headlight zone" with Bambi.

-- Side Note --
Linda, did you hear Paula compare Elliott to "Michael BLOO-BLAY" tonight? I almost wet my capri-pants. Silly drunk-ass freak. I think all that synthetic hair caused a stress-fracture in her skull.

OK...

Pickles:
OH. MY. GOD. She gave "SUCK" a whole new definition tonight. She was a train-wreck. She was a disaster. She really and truly crashed and burned. She was off-key. She was off the beat. She was HORRIBLE. And that stupid little riff with Rod where he had to explain to her that the "words" and the "lyrics" were the same thing..... someone PLEASE lock this girl up for her own safety!!!!

Ace:
Ugh. Pathetic. Forgettable, as always. Did he even sing tonight? Bah.

Cheekbones:
OK, I hate to disagree with you, Linda, cause you know you're my gal and we're simpatico... but I challenge you to rent "Mr Holland's Opus" and watch the scene where the little high-school chippie sings this song to Richard Dreyfuss. CHEEKBONES RIPPED THE WHOLE DAMNED THING OFF FROM THE MOVIE. It was eerie watching her... totally creepy. Cheekbones must have memorized that whole scene, cause she had the SAME facial expressions, the SAME vocal inflections, the SAME lip-pouts, the SAME pauses, the SAME movements.... note for note, beat for beat, the entire performance was lifted straight from "Mr Holland's Opus." And, in my humble (albeit LOUD) opinion, the chick in the movie (Jean Louisa Kelly) was a million times better than Cheekbones ever thought about being.

Anyhoo, thanks for letting me rant. I'm predicting Elliott or Ace will go home tomorrow, but I am PRAYING that it's Pickles, who earned a trip tonight, hands-down. Or Cheekbones, who I just intensely dislike for no obvious reason other than she's a cocky, self-absorbed CHEATER with NO imagination who has to STEAL from movies.

>

[Gwendolyn]

An actually good night tonight. Okay, this has beemn bugging me for two weeks--have Pickles, Elliot, and Bucky gotten their teeth done? I noticed 2 weeks ago, and needed confirmation. I saw Bucky's teeth last week and they looked a little less Jimmy-cracked-corn, as well as Elliot's, and Pickle's snaggletooth looks less prominent. Whatdoyathink??
I have to say that I didn't care for Ace's look tonight--he looked swarmy, oily, icky like pimpish and not in the good way.