Don't Get Me Started with Linda Sharp

American Idol Results Recap, Wednesday, March 29: Lisa T Bottoms Out

Tuesday night's installment of American Idol released a tsunami of disappointment that flowed forth from Idol fans in a way not seen since the Gloria Estafan-Nightmare-Eardrum-Bleeder of Season 3.

The theme Songs From the 21st Century went over about as well as Songs You Sing In The Shower would have. In fact, probably worse, after all I'm sure many of you would like to know what song Ace pantomimes while bathing. (For the record, his continued sign language interpretation of each song he sings has begun to wear thin. And the whole reaching-out-to-the-camera hand gesture is beginning to look more desperate than dashing.)

Yes, last night's only saving grace was the fact that it was squished into a single hour - I cannot even imagine the fan backlash had we all been subjected to two hours of audio agony.

From Pickles inability to understand a single word she sings, to Smurfette's pathetic booty bouncing, to Paula visually molesting poor Ace and his scar, to Elliott-In-Da-Hood - American Idol hit a huge performance iceberg last night. Unfortunately, there's one too few life jackets on this Titanic...

With the lights set to "Dramatic" and the music set to "Pulse", Ryan opened the show with the ominous words, "Last night they faced the wrath of the judges, tonight the contestants face the results that could end their dreams of stardom. The drama is about to begin..."

That would have almost been believable if the pan of the contestants hadn't shown them all wearing their big, goofy perma-grins...

Ryan took the stage, apparently taking my advice to whack his mafioso stylist, this time dressed in a light gray suit, pinstripe white shirt and striped tie - basically dressed for a big job interview with IBM. Note to Ryan: Somewhere in between Sopranoland and Corporate America lies the correct look...

A quick camera shot in the audience revealed past Idol contestants Jessica Sierra and Justin Guarini?!? How does he keep showing up at these things? He must know the bouncers...

Introducing the Top Ten, assembled on the Settees of Stress, the set-up was thus:

Back Row: Elliott, Lisa T, Ace, Cheekbones and Bucky

Front Row: Mandisa, Chris, Pickles, Taylor and Smurfette

I found the arrangement interesting - no one on the front row, in my humble opinion, seemed even close to being in danger. Mandisa had turned in the most engaging performance from Tuesday, Chris is simply a solid fan favorite, Pickles is just hot and stupid (a lethal combo apparently), Taylor is, well, Taylor, and Smurfette, Beyonce-bashing aside, turned in another decent vocal. (Note to self: Close eyes when she performs)

The back row contained the most likely to join Jack at the bottom of the Atlantic...

Introducing the judges, Randy continued to work the striped aisle from the Big and Tall shop, in addition to keeping his optometrist in business - how many pairs of glasses can one person own? Simon was Simon, honoring the solemness of the occasion in a black sweater vs the white he has worn the past few weeks. And then there was Paula...

Paula Abdul, dressed as a stop sign with cleavage. And I can only figure that she has negotiated a deal to buy her fake hair by the pound. Her head literally grows bigger each night and those extensions do not come cheap. They may look cheap, but they do not come cheap. But perhaps it is worth it to her - she seems to be using it more and more to hide her glassy eyes...

A meaningless recap of the kids' busy week was highlighted by Bucky getting eye shadow applied and them all getting to partake in a blatant plug for Ice Age 2 (opening this Friday, in case you missed that part). The recap wrapped up with an all day photo shoot in which Buckilocks was back in full hot-rollered-hot-oiled glory, and Lisa T called them "one big happy family".

(It's called foreshadowing, kids. Seriously, you could practically hear the Titanic ripping in half beneath her.)

A 6.2 million dollar commercial break and we came back to our weekly date with the devil: The Ford Video. This time Satan had the kids singing reggae - Give A Little - to cops, old people, young kids, cars, buildings, cats, sewers, you name it. And in the most unflattering camera shot since MTV first aired Video Killed The Radio Star, Mandisa was filmed, IN JEANS, from below.

It was awful. Yes, I realize she is working it for all the full figured ladies out there, but puh-leez. The only statement that is coming across is, "I don't know how to dress.", and I'm certain that is not what she is wanting to say.

The commercial continued with Taylor getting groovy with a granny and Lisa offering a popsicle to a tatooed circus freak with a beard of snakes and earrings from the Smurfette-My-Taste-Is-Up-My-Ass collection.

Unfortunately, just because the video ended, did not mean the retina abuse did. Ryan quickly introduced the guest star of the evening: Shakira (with Wyclef Jean), on hand to sing Hips Don't Lie. No Shakira, they don't, and yours looked decidely plump this evening. Seriously, this girlfriend, who is usually insanely sculpted and sexy, looked more than a little soft around the middle.

As the stage opened, I was momentarily confused. I was waiting for Shakira to come out, but what emerged was a belly dancer with a huge light bulb for a head. Come on - I talk about this every season - the backstage lights are bright enough to line a runway and they are placed badly - at a minimum, Ryan always opens the show looking like his head is on fire.

Shakira's performance confirmed what we have all felt coming - our little American Idol is all grown up. It started with Ace crooning the words "warm and naked" several weeks back, continued with Lisa T singing the word "damn" Tuesday night, and now a half naked Shakira writhing around while Wyclef sang, "Hey girl, I can see your body moving."

Basically, AI has hit puberty and now has hair on it's testicles.

Am I the only one who felt the line being crossed?

The song moved on, although I truly did not understand a word, but then I was constantly distracted by the disturbing screensaver of someone with gold plated eczema all over their back. It must have been itching worse than regular eczema, because the person was undulating and gyrating constantly...

Wyclef hit the platform behind the judges, sang to Paula and then turned to Simon, singing about four inches from his face. Poor Simon, he was truly in hell.

Thankfully, the song ended, and the best Ryan could offer was, "I feel guilty watching." Me too. I mean, I had so many other things I could have been doing...clipping my toenails, filing my taxes, puking on my shoes...

Finally, a recap of Tuesday night's abysmal offerings - made bearable by the wonders of the TiVo fast forward button, and the lights were dimmed for the results.

Ryan went quickly - naming everyone in the front row: Mandisa, who was wearing the squirrel from Ice Age on her head, Chris, Pickles, Taylor and Smurfette, who was again decked out with hubcaps on her ears and an Olympic gold medal from Torino around her neck.

All were SAFE, and the moment he said it, you could practically hear the sphincters tightening in the top row.

AFTER. THE. BREAK Ryan quickly told Vanilla Elliott (no longer dressed like 8 Mile, but more like 7-11) that he was SAFE. Eminelliott was happy, but his mom needed fitted for a straight jacket, as she was literally pulling her own hair out.

Lisa T, no big surprise here, was invited to center stage for the Bottom Three. Ace was next to join her, yes America, he may be hot, but he sucked the air out of a good lung last night. That left Cheekbones and Buckilocks, who looked like he was ready to go line dancing if this AI thing doesn't work out.

In a stunning upset - we're talking Boston Red Soxx winning the World Series; Jasmine Treas outlasting LaToya London - Bucky was SAFE and Cheekbones was sent to center stage.

She looked insulted by this turn of events and I honestly lost a tad of respect for her. Sure, she can sing circles around old Buck, but her Tuesday night performance was not exactly her shining moment. And honestly, she deserved to be in the bottom three if only for that hideous tan/black/shirt thing she had worn anyway.

Ace was quickly shuttled back to the safety of the couch cushions - it must have been his lucky rhinestone horseshoe belt buckle - leaving Lisa (not shocked) and Cheekbones (even more irked now). Ryan then asked the world's stupidest question, "How does it feel to be standing here?"

"Uh - gee, Ryan, let's see. It feels freakin' awesome! I mean, WOW, I might get my ass kicked to the curb by America, have my dreams of superstardom squashed in front of 30 million people, and then have you ask me to sing while choking on a steamer trunk of tears in my throat, but hey! I feel GREAT! Should I bend over and grab my ankles now? Bring it on!"

Sheeesh.

How do you think they feel? I'm just guessing here, but I would imagine that their bowels have immediately turned to water, their heads have filled with cotton, their skin is practically vibrating and they can actually hear their blood moving through their veins.

Lisa was gracious in her response, accepting the inevitable, but Cheekbones babbled some emotionless crap about "God's plan for me". Um, no Katherine - I doubt God has AI on speed dial, at least I hope there are bigger concerns in this messed up world for Him than whether you advance or not. No, your fate is in the hands of a bunch of 12 year old girls with rhinestone covered cell phones.

Ryan made the cut quickly - Cheekbones SAFE, Lisa outta here. Watching the video of her "Idol Journey", the camera cut to Smurfette, who I am now firmly convinced is the devil. She had tears streaming down her face, but zero compassion behind her eyes. If anything, her eyes screamed, "That's right bee-yatch, look who's over here!"

Lisa, dressed in black JEANS, a gold satin top, and twelve inches of hair extensions, sang Because of You one last time, and it was again evident that it was Because of that song that she was going home. It was simply wrong. Too big, too current, too out of her vocal league. She was joined by the Idols on stage, the camera cut quickly to Paula, hiding behind her wall of hair, and then POOF, my Lisa was gone. (I was left with one nagging question: Do they have to give back the fake hair when they get voted off Idol Island or do they get to keep it as a parting gift?)

I'll miss her infectious smile - she truly was a bright spot this season. But now I can look forward to impending demise of Smurfette - there is a huge iceberg heading her way in the form of voter hate. It's out there, I read it in my email everyday, it's talked about on the radio, it's posted all over the internet. Her ship is sinking fast...

Next week the kids sing country songs - I predict lots of Faith Hill, JEANS, eye shadow and more hair extensions. What do you think?  Will it be Yee-haw or Yee-awn?...

American Idol Recap, Tuesday, March 28: Few Highlights in 21st Century

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to pay tribute to the memory of decent Idol performances past. Vocals that soared, arrangements that set your toes to tapping.

None of which were evident in this evening which showcased self indulgence, karaoke and enough hair extensions to keep Jonathan Antin in business for years.

Yea, tho I walk through the valley of the shadow of the 21st century, I will feel no excitement. For thy pathetic posturing are with me, thy lousy song choices and hairstyles irritate me.

Thou preparest a show before me in the presence of mine TiVo; thou annointest my TV screen with denim and strobe lights; my stomach runneth over.

Surely good song choices and mercy shall follow me all the days remaining in this season, and I shall dwell in my La-z-y Boy forever.

Amen.

You would think with a theme night that was basically, "Pick A Song You Really Like", the kids would have really served up something to make up for the last two weeks of lackluster Stevie Wonder offerings and 50's flops.

You would think that.

Well, at least that's what I thought. But I'm getting ahead of myself...

Ryan needs to whack his Soprano-loving stylist and get rid of this gangster-Mafia look he's been working for weeks. Tonight's black on black on black ensemble was more fitting for a funeral than a reality TV hosting gig.

Then again, most of tonight's performances were barely hanging onto life support.

Lisa T drew the short straw this evening - you know what I always say about going first - first to perform, first to be forgotten. She kicked things off with Kelly Clarkson's still-in-heavy-radio-play-rotation, Because of You. Working Cleopatra length hair extensions in her sleekly straightened locks, dressed in the first pair of JEANS of the evening, and a Kermit the Frog cami (with matching eye shadow, no less), she began to sing and I cringed inside. It was the vocal equivalent of a little girl wearing Mommy's ballgown and dress up shoes - it just did not fit her. I love Lisa, I really do - but she never should have chosen a song still so fresh in people's minds, unless she had twice the voice of Kelly to do it in.

It was impossible to sit through it without comparing each note and grimacing when she couldn't take the song where you knew it was supposed to go. Her vocal was weak and thready and she appeared to be wrestling with it the entire time.

Randy agreed that it was "not that good"; Paula did her usual puppy-dogs-daffodils-you-can-sing-your-butt-off-but-not-great-song-choice-butterflies thing; Simon just flat out told her "it didn't work" and that "some parts were actually painful". Simon, I think the real pain will come tomorrow night when she finally visits the Bottom Three as number 3.

After the first multi-million dollar break, Pickles was up. Was it just me, or did she look a little rough around the edges in her pre-song video? No make-up, hair mussed - she looked like a worn out soccer Mom (not that I would know what that looks like, mind you). Her song choice, out of all the songs released in the past 6 years? Suds In The Bucket by Sarah Evans. Don't feel bad if you went "???" too. You're not alone.

Taking the stage, she rocked the next pair of JEANS and a pink corset top with a belly baring triangle. Unfortunately, Pickled Minx hasn't been doing her crunches, and her tummy poked out in a decidely Britney Spears post-pg pooch. Her hair was stranded between Stevie Wonder Stepford night and her soccer Mom 'do - kind of wavy, kind of not.

As for the song? Don't ask me. I didn't know it, she didn't sell it, I stopped paying attention to anything but her stomach poking through the Bermuda Triangle of her top. Randy said it "was not exciting enough for her voice"; Paula agreed that she is "way better than that song", and Simon called it a "gimmicky-rodeo-whatever song".

I know, I know - you people think she is hot, so she'll stay. That doesn't mean I have to like it.

Ace was up to bat next to sing Drops of Jupiter by Train, dressed in - are you sitting down? - JEANS, and a denim shirt that had what looked like either a dragon or an eagle (a Dreagle?) splayed across the front of it. Oh, and he was also working a glitter belt buckle from the Elvis Presley Vegas Collection. Ace's hair was flat and lifeless (too much conditioner?) as was his vocal. Again, choosing a song so familiar, that has such a uniquely stylized sound (ayyyy, ayyyy, ayyyy, ayy) is dangerous territory. Ace just sounded baaad, baaaad, badddd, baad.

Randy flat out told him he "didn't sing it well", but Paula began slobbering and said "I am not going to be as harsh on you." (Collective DUH from the congregation, please.) She said it was "refreshing after the last two performances" and then her Train completely jumped its tracks and she babbbled, "Is that a scar?" Yes, Paula, Ace has a scar on his big, sexy, muscled chest - funny how you noticed that from fifteen feet away, when those of us at home with hi-def could barely see it even when he opened his shirt wider. Her final comment, "One day you'll have to explain to me how you got that..." earned her a warning from Simon - just him saying her name, but in a voice that intimated, "We-don't-need-another-lawsuit-because-you-have-wood-for-another-contestant". Simon then changed the subject from Ace's scar to Ace's scary bad performance - "wasn't a great vocal, quite karaoke."

But, like Pickles, "Hot" = "Votes", so while he may visit the bottom three again, I don't think he's in danger of going home - although given Paula's advances, he may wish he were headed there.

AFTER. THE. BREAK we returned to Ryan and Taylor, styling in JEANS, a screen print T and a black motorcycle jacket. Taylor explained the whole Soul Patrol thing - it simply stands for his legion of fans who have stuck with him since he first started performing years ago. A legion that has quickly grown into a full scale army this season.

Choosing to sing a song no one's heard of, Trouble, was risky, but then again, it's Taylor. He could sing the label off an Ex-Lax box, and I'd still love to watch and listen. And I did. Now, it was partly because of the sound of his voice, as he really connected with this song he loves, but I could not tear my eyes away from how hard he was struggling to stay attached to the mike stand and keep from twitching. And he succeeded. Taylor Tourricks did not spasm, arch his back or skip around. And it was a good performance.

Randy thought it was just "aw'ight"; Paula said it was nice to see him "just stand and sing"; Simon "quite liked the song" and thought it was an "excellent vocal", but that his stylist made him look "very Clay Aiken". Yes Simon, but in all fairness, Clay's stylist made him wear a RED motorcycle jacket in season two.

Next up: It may be Tuesday, but Mandisa was hell-bent on taking us to Sunday church, singing Wanna Praise You, a song she loves to sing in front of her own congregation. Her vocal was strong, but I hit my knees and began praying to God to make her STOP WEARING JEANS. And this time they had glitter insets no less. I know she was into her song and singing her heart out, but I was distracted by how hard the light crew was fighting to keep the spotlight above her waist. I love this woman, but jeans are just not the right look for her.

Randy said that "there's no question that you can sing", but that he didn't "get the song choice"; Paula is convinced we have all now joined "The Church of Mandisa", but Simon thought "it was a bit self indulgent". I almost have to agree - a gospel tune is certainly not the norm for American Idol competition, but then she did sing to the high heavens which no one else really did.

Another break and then Chris was sharing the Chat Chairs with Ryan, decked out in JEANS, a t-shirt and a tan jacket, to sing What If by Creed. Now, it's not as if anyone was surprised by his song choice - I mean, seriously, if anyone thought he was going to pull out something like Oops...I Did It Again by Britney Spears, they obviously are new to the show - but when he stated it, I had this small feeling of "ugh - not again". Not because I don't like Chris - I do - well, not as much as the tech crew who gets to roll out the smoke machines, laser lights and LSD screensavers when he performs - but because tonight he began to pigeonhole himself a bit.

His voice was strong, although if he went off key it would have been hard to tell considering the song is basically a screamer. And Matilda the Mike Stand enjoyed a romping ride around the stage, even if she was smashed to the floor at the end - don't worry, she likes it rough.

Randy didn't think it was his best vocal; Paula just babbled that she's one of his biggest fans; Simon was flat out negative: Like Mandisa's choice, he called it "indulgent", that "Creed would not be seen dead on this show" and warned Chris that he needs "to show a different side" of himself soon.

Cheekbones McPhee took the stage next to sing The Voice Within by Christina Aguilera. Wearing the new Idol uniform of JEANS and a tight top, she also worked boots, hubcap earrings and a necklace full of loose change she found in the couch cushions after last week's show. Her hair was full of extensions, but it was also a good look on her, softly pulled back. Her make-up was also warmer - in fact, she just looked HOT.

Her vocals, as usual, were the highlight (ok fine - I don't have testicles, so maybe her vocals are not the highlight for everyone) - she stayed close to the original and again made the process look effortless. She also connected with the song and sang to the viewers, not at them, as so many other contestants do.

Randy said it was a "good song choice"; Paula stated she "was her best"; and Simon said "it was almost as good as Christina".

Next up at the rodeo was Bucky, home at last in a cowboy hat, JEANS, and a shirt that reeked of Travis Tritt. Singing Real Good Man by Tim McGraw, I will give Bucky this much: he has never come across as confident and comfortable as he did tonight. Singing country puts him in his element. Although his element does not include dancing, as evidenced by that move he did which looked like his left leg had gone to sleep and he was dragging himself backwards by his right.

Randy said it was the right song for him; Paula warned him to watch his diction (Umm, Pot, I would like you to meet Kettle...); and Simon agreed with Paula - "I couldn't understand a word you said."

Smurfette chose to sing Beyonce's Work It Out so she could "be young" and "dance for the kids". Sadly, she must have beaten her stylist to death with a flat iron, as she was clearly dressing herself again this week. JEANS, a yellow tee, and a hot pink studded jacket were accessorized with Mr T's chain collection and a Flava Flav sized necklace. Oh, and someone had pimped her head - did you see the manhole covers she was wearing on her ears?

Her vocals were loose and flowed, but her dance moves looked constipated. Squatting, shaking her booty, chains flying everywhere - it was a visual trainwreck. Again, the child can sing, but there is something about her that is very contrived and faker than all that gold bling she was wearing.

Randy called her "fearless, the bomb", that she had "the best performance of the night", and handed out the first "this is a hot one". Paula thought she was "awesome", but Simon killed the happy buzz by calling her "precocious, a little girl pretending to be Beyonce' - whoopee."

I must repeat - the cherry on top of my Dislike Smurfette sundae is how she can sing like a grown up, but still insists on talking like a Rugrat.

One more break and Elliott was up to finish tonight's show with I Don't Want To Be - the same song nailed by Bo Bice last season. With lights flashing, Elliott looked like something from an Amish Boys Gone Wild DVD - no more sweater vests, dress shirts, ties... in their place were JEANS, a t-shirt, hoodie and Army jacket. Not since the days of Vanilla Ice, has a white boy looked this ridiculous trying to front "street cred". I felt waves of embarrassment wash over me on his behalf. The song sounded as hideous as he looked.  And he did not help his "look" by bouncing up and down throughout the entire song - he did - I TiVod back to make sure.  UP, DOWN, UP, DOWN, UP, DOWN...

I don't care that Randy gave him the 2nd "hot one tonight", or that Paula called him "unbelievable and fantastic". I'm not even swayed by Simon saying it was a "great song" and a "good vocal". It won't get a single vote out of my phone tonight.

Well, that's it for the 21st century. Personally, I'd say if tonight was representative of what has been accomplished in the music industry so far in this millenium, we may as well gouge out our eardrums now. I have some shish kabob skewers we can use...

(I will say that the one saving grace from tonight had to be that with Kevin gone, we did not have to listen to him lisp out something from Nthync - sorry, I mean Nsync.)

American Idol Results Recap, Wednesday, March 22: Sunny Side Down For Egghead

Something's been bothering me since last night's episode.

The memory made it difficult to fall asleep, and the mental image it conjured up made me toss and turn more than dirty lettuce in a salad spinner. Surprisingly, the subject of my cerebral crampage was not the bespectacled face of Constantly-Seeking-The-Camera-Maroulis - although I have pondered last night's odd pairing of Connie and Ryan Cabrera several times today...but then, I guess when you have dated Ashley Simpson, anyone else is a step up, huh?

I wasn't even bothered by the weirdness that was Paula Abdul. In fact, I was taken to task by more than a few people today for not including her medicated-nonsensical persona in last night's recap. But then, when is she not medicated and babbling? "That was roses and sunshine puppies with rainbows dancing in the lavender meadows - not your best vocal - daffodils, tulips and bunny slippers - you look great - snowflakes, hot chocolate, and cotton balls."

Paula never makes sense. She's like the drunken Uncle we all ignore at Thanksgiving.

No, what continued playing over and over in my head was the critique Randy Jackson gave Egghead after he performed the lackluster When I Fall In Love. Randy said, "I see me in you."

??

This I rolled around my cortex as one hour seeped into the next. Could two people truly be more disparate as far as personalities and personas go? I think not. (Well, maybe Paula and anyone with two complete brain cells...) Needless to say, I had to see for myself what Randy in Kevin would look like, so here you go. Quite frankly, it's more than a little scary and certain to keep me up again tonight.

But onto the results...

Ryan Soprano opened the show, working a black suit, deep purple shirt and tie, and as the camera panned the Idols (is it just me or did Pickles look like she was getting goosed? That smile was waaaay too big.), he warned, "Tonight, the gig is up for one of our contestants."

With 35 millions votes tallied - wait, let me just pause to ask, how do we really know that's correct? It's not like the Oscars where the results have been tabulated by Price Waterhouse. Ryan could come out next week saying, "400 gabillion votes", and who are we to say, "Uh-uh."?

But I digress. The kids then gathered on the Davenports of Destiny and the set up was telling:

Back row: Beanie Baby, Mandisa, Elliott, Pickles, Chris and Paris - can you say SAFE?

Front row: Katharine, Egghead, Lisa T, Bucky and Soul Patrol - can you say SAFE bookends holding together a triumverate of dashed dreams?

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Ryan gave a quick hello to the judges: Randy dressed as a stop sign with matching Sally Jessie Raphael glasses; Paula working her own neon cleavage and at least 40 pounds of extra hair; and Simon, devil-may-care in his virginal white shirt.

I actually watched the recap of last night's performances and have to admit, it was one of the better Idol episodes I have seen. The good outnumbered the "Eh", and a few clearly distanced themselves from the pack.

AFTER. THE. BREAK we returned to our weekly date with the devil - the Ford commercial. This week the kids were playing on the beach to the tune We Got The Beat. Fordmobiles, surfboards, sunhats, beach towels and umbrellas were in abundance, but the sight that seared my retinas was Egghead decked out in a Love Machine muscle shirt, aviator shades and some Gold-By-The-Inch bling from a kiosk in the mall. The kids looked like this one was a bit less painful to film, smiling widely, but none so wide as my own when Egghead was buried up to his chin in the sand only to be abandoned by the other Idols. No worries though, as two beach bunnies came along and fondled his disembodied head. Ford truly is the devil.

Our reward for sitting through that beach blanket bomb without SPF (Satan Protection Factor), was Barry Manilow, decked out in head to toe, jewel toned blue. My God he was shiny, wasn't he? I love Barry, I have been a fan for more years than I care to admit are on my license, but I can only imagine that this segment went over with the huge tween demographic as well as the Stevie Wonder lead balloon did last week.

Singing Love Is A Many Splendored Thing amid rotating white daisy lights, Barry was clearly enjoying himself, but I found myself feeling a slight amount of embarrassment for him. It's not that he can't sing - he certainly can, but his selling of the song was as cheesy as a stuffed crust pizza. And does anyone else think he always looks like he forgot to take the hanger out of his suit? - his shoulders are so artificially stiff.

And good lord, a pan of the audience caught none other than ousted finalist Bobbie Bennett, of the Copa Cabana debacle-nightmare-disaster-fiasco worshipping and witnessing like he was in the presence of God Himself. And then he actually got to ascend the stairs, and enter heaven and Barry's embrace - Bobbie could die tonight and have not a single regret.

The commercial break offered a strategically placed promo for Barry's Manilovefest at the Las Vegas Hilton. (Fine - I admit I would go see him. Shut up.)

Back from the break, the lights were dimmed for the main event. Again, short on time, Ryan whipped through the contestants on the back couch, and just as I predicted - all were SAFE. 

If I may pause a moment to comment on Pickles - I have always maintained that she really is as airheaded as she comes off, that no one is that good an actress.  But her interjection of "What's a ballsy?" seemed more than a little contrived and played for laughs.  Unfortunately for Kellie - the laughs didn't come.  In fact, if you TiVo back, you could practically hear crickets chirping.  Yes, I think she has small town borders as far as her mental capacity goes, but tonight I started to believe she is either knowingly working her Chrissy Snow dimbulb image or is being actively fed lines like that by the producers.  Either of those options is definitely "ballsy" and destined to backfire. 

Heading to the bottom, Katharine was declared SAFE as well, then Ryan skipped all the way to the other end of the sofa to Taylor. It was the first time I saw a look of "What?!?!" cross Egghead's face. As for Lisa? She knew she was headed to the bottom three again and had dressed for the occasion - no jeans or tank tops, but a stunning sapphire blue dress and heels. Bucky dressed for a trip to Whataburger in jeans and a tee with matching cobras.

Taylor was quickly deemed SAFE for another week of human consumption, and our bottom three kids joined Ryan at center stage. At this point, Paula was already wiping tears from her eyes.

Of course we had to endure one more commercial break, but then Ryan sent my girl Lisa back to safety. She was relieved, but also looked like, "Damn - what a waste of this awesome dress." Paula managed to give some semi-coherent words of encouragement and then Bucky and his snakes were sent back to safety. I'm sure Ryan was saying something else, but I could not hear it over the bells and cheering in my head.

Yes, Egghead Diddy's sexy winning streak is over. There's nowhere to go now but the cover of People's next Sexiest Man Alive issue, right?

Watching Kevin's video journey, I still don't understand why he was ever in the final 24 to begin with. There were so many other male contestants whose voices soared above his and who had an actual "It" factor vs his "Eh" factor. The best thing about his video was watching his hair grow out - seriously dude, no more jarhead shaves.

Now, before you go thinking I am completely heartless where this little guy is concerned, stop. He is a sweet kid, period, and I don't like seeing anyone with a decent heart have their dreams crushed. (That would explain why I danced a jig when Brenna Gethers was shown the door.) I appreciated his humble thanks to America and the way he handled the disappointment in front of millions of people, and his Mom & Dad.

Watching him say his goodbyes and sing his last song, I think we can take comfort in the thought that maybe, just maybe, since Randy thinks he is in Kevin, perhaps a little bit of Kevin will hang around in Randy too. We'll be looking...

American Idol Recap, Tuesday, March 21: Blast From The Past Performances Just 50-50

Well, well, well - it seems that in the past week, the national Googling obsession of tracking down Pickles in the nude, gave way to a new, GLOBAL, specific body part quest:

"Katharine McPhee Breasts"

Yes, it seems that since I made those titillating nude pictures of Pickles and Egghead Diddy available early last week, that particular kink-thirst has been sated and now folks as far away as Finland, Australia and Denmark are working the Google servers overtime in an attempt to find Cheekbones' bra contents. So, once again, allow me to supply what you're looking for...

( . ) ( . )

Happy? Good, now get a life.

In other exciting Idol news this week, you'll be thrilled to know that a brand new website went live today to help you dress like your favorite contestant. StarStyle.com will dissect their clothing choices each week, providing detailed info on each stitch and seam. Thank God - because I have NO idea where to buy jeans, tshirts and tennis shoes.

But, onto the matter at hand - 50s Night On American Idol...

When I heard that the contestants would be performing songs from the 1950's, I admit I was excited. We're talking about a decade that birthed rock 'n roll, giving us the "velvet voice" of Nat King Cole, original nerdlet Buddy Holly, the original Elton John: Little Richard, the guitar genius of Chuck Berry, and of course, The King: Elvis Presley.

Part of my enthusiasm for this evening was based on the fact that 50's songs typically did not stand on big Celine Dion - Whitney Houston glory notes, rather they relied on the performers to take those sugar coated lyrics and sell them via strong vocals, emotion, fun, and the coolness of the artist. Seriously, have you ever listened to the words of Teddy Bear? Ridiculous, BUT that was a #1 hit for Elvis.

Coolness.

I could not help but wonder if Egghead could pull it off...

No wAYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Onto the recap...

Reminding us that we "decide their destiny", Ryan welcomed us to the show, again eschewing his ironic tees for a serious blue suit and power puff tie.

He then intro'd the Idols, who walked across the stage - beauty pageant style - ahhhh, Smurfette dressed like a banana; Pickles back to her old jeans and tank top self; and Cheekbones working that Google-o-meter in a silk dress and no bra. (Thank goodness for double stick tape.)

Tonight's theme being Songs from the 50's, Idol hooked the kids up with music guru Barry Manilow. His recent album, Greatest Songs of the 50's, was #1 for weeks, and he has more arrangement experience than just about any musician alive today, so this was a decent fit, much more preferable than allowing another batch of contestants to butcher his songbook. (John Stevens wailing Mandy, anyone?)

To work with Barry, a man who has sold over 75 million albums in his career - none of which are owned by any of the contestants - the Idols scored a quick trip to the strip - to Vegas, where he is currently performing. By their own admission, 90% of them were not familiar with him or his musical legacy, however, they all seemed to come away from their personal encounter humbled by the man and his talent for arranging and interpreting songs. (Either that or they are all becoming very good liars.)

First up was Mandisa, looking lovely as ever in a black, slit sleeve dress and heels (no bare feet), her hair on full 50's girl-group alert. Barry described her as "one of a kind" and "too much" (compliments both) and then she sang I Don't Hurt Anymore from 1954. Standing at the mike for the entire song, she hit a homerun - selling the lyrics, controlling her vocals. The only bad thing I can say is that her tongue was the color of Smurfette's dress. Someone needs to remind these kids to go "Ahhhhh" in the mirror before performing.

Randy, working his own style mojo in a blue shirt with matching glasses, said he was "a little speechless" but then went to call her performance "classy, great and amazing". Paula called her a thoroughbred, and Simon "absolutely loved it".

A six million dollar break and we came back to Buckilocks, hair not quite so bouncy, but the hot oil treatments evident nonetheless. Singing Oh Boy, by Buddy Holly, from 1957, he took the stage wearing JEANS (wow, where can I get some? Oh wait, StarStyle.com...), and a drab, olive shirt and jeans jacket, he put his signature country twist on the song, but I found myself bored. The only real excitement in watching Bucky comes from betting with my daughters on when he is finally going to miss the damned mike he throws from one hand to the other and take out an audience member.

Randy congratulated him on staving off the stylist with the hot rollers, but said it was not his best vocal; all Paula could offer was that he "had alot of fun"; Simon chimed in with tonight's first reality check, that it was "pointless karaoke" and "So what?" I think Buckilocks will be saying Oh Boy alot tonight, worrying about his inevitable Bottom Three spot.

Next up was Smurfette. Working with Barry, he was surprised to hear that voice come out of her mouth after first hearing her speak. Join the rest of the country, Barry - it is so affected, it grates like a Italian waiter with a chunk of Parmesan. Nonetheless, Mr. Manilow believes "she has an enormous career ahead of her" (Yes, if this singing thing doesn't pan out, I hear the Rugrats are hiring new voices). Singing the Peggy Lee classic, Fever, from 1958, Smurfette looked the best I have seen her during this entire competition. Someone took away her access to mountains of cheap bling, reined in her "more is more" fashion sense and dressed her for the song. Wearing a yellow silk halter dress (no one is going to Google for her boobs anytime soon), with a matching flower in her updo, and simple earrings, Smurfette kept the focus on her vocals for once. And she was great. Vocally. I still do not care for her personality, but she makes singing seem effortless.

Before the judges could critique her, I threw up in my mouth a little as Constantine Maroulis filled my screen with his sneering and pathetic "I'm a cool rocker" hand gesture. Wait - sorry - he was wearing glasses, so I guess that makes it an "I'm a cool, brainy rocker". Yeah, and Kellie Pickler in glasses is a Nobel winner.

Randy offered up a new cliche, which I'm sure he'll commence beating to death in weeks to come: "You blew it out da box.". Paula lauded her "impeccable vocals" and Simon simply stated, "This is what you do best." Then she began yammering on while standing with Ryan and that voice drowned out any admiration I was feeling for her. Someone tell her not to speak - it really is in her best interest to SHUT UP.

Next was Chris D, who "knocked out" Barry in their rehearsal. Singing Johnny Cash's signature tune, I Walk The Line from 1955, Chris continued to do what no other contestant (well, Taylor, maybe) does - he bent that song to fit who he is and it was a masterful version indeed. Standing at the mike, in a simple shirt and JEANS, he sang slow and low, commanding the entire audience's attention - 3/4 of the way in, he opened up, the strobe lights kicked in and he had the "big finish". My only notes? He's a star. Period. And this is why I love American Idol. This talent was hiding behind a Customer Service desk in a car dealership just needing a break like this one to send him into orbit. For once I agree with Paula, he should already be touring. And Simon nailed it that Chris "is the first artist on American Idol who's ever refused to compromise".

Two more country villas in Tuscany for the producers, and we came back to Cheekbones McPhee sharing the Chat Chairs with Ryan. She ripped Simon for giving an interview this past weekend in which he could not remember her name correctly, then we watched her video. There is a reason she is going to make it to the final three in this competition - she is not arrogant when she speaks, she is not stupid, but also doesn't come across as too worldly, and while she is gorgeous, she is also non-threatening. Basically, like a box of cocker spaniel puppies, she is completely likable.

Singing Come Rain or Come Shine from 1956, she was stunning in a navy silk dress, and worked the stage with sassy moves to match the lyrics. Her voice continues to amaze - she doesn't even have to try - it just flows out of her. Randy gave her the first "you worked it out" of the evening, Paula told her she "looked exquisite", and Simon bestowed a rare compliment: "Tonight you turned into a star." I agree.

My man Taylor was up next singing a reworked version of Not Fade Away by Buddy Holly from 1957. Now, you people know I adore Mr. Soul Patrol, but even I have to admit that tonight's performance left me a little "Eh". Working his inner Good Humor man, Taylor was decked out in a light blue/grey suit and tennis shoes, happy as ever, even skipping across the stage at one point, but the song was simply not very engaging. Nevertheless, Taylor is always fun to watch.

Randy coughed up another "you worked it out"; Paula called him fantastic; and Simon admitted he likes Taylor, but that it was like "a hideous party performance". No worries - Taylor is not leaving anytime soon.

AFTER. THE. BREAK we returned to Lisa T sharing the Chat Chairs with Ryan. She looked as cute as ever, and was one of the few to know who Barry Manilow was, even citing Mandy as a favorite song of hers. Barry called her a "powerhouse" and then she took the stage to sing Why Do Fools Fall In Love from 1956. As Paula said, she did look "adorable" in her khaki capris, tank top and blue, sequined shirt, but the song just did not seem to click. Plus, it seemed like her voice faded in and out more than a few times - either a mike problem or a low keyed arrangement issue. She had her big finish, but that was about all that was really memorable in the performance. No matter, you people know I love her smile and would take her over Smurfette any day of the week, so I will beat my redial button to death on her behalf tonight.

Randy said it was "just aw'ight"; Paula agreed with Barry on the "powerhouse" point, and the best Simon could offer was "It was OK."

Mr. Sex Symbol, Egghead, was up next, hot as ever in a buttoned-to-the-Adam's-apple polo shirt and blue Cheenos. Who dresses him? A clothing allowance and stylists and this Catholic school uniform is the best they can talk him in to? In his video (sans glasses - which does not increase his heat), he discussed choosing When I Fall In Love from 1956 - he picked it because he has yet to experience "true love", but hopes it will be like the lyrics. Yes, Kevin it will be, but first you have to at least undo your top button.

Sitting on the stage (with glasses and more hair - keep growing it Kev, it makes your head look a little more finished), he sang ok, not great. It was controlled, and as long as I kept my eyes shut, it was bearable. Even blinded though, I simply cannot envision ever turning on the radio and hearing him come out of the speakers, not even on Radio Disney. He may be America's favorite inside joke, but he simply needs cut loose.

Randy and Paula are apparently still working their way into heaven via blowing smoke up his keister- Randy babbled "I see me in you" - puh-leez, Randy officially joined Paula in the Idiot Bin with that one - and she cited his "moxy". (I do give Egghead credit for intelligence - he at least knew what that word meant, whereas Pickles would have blown another fuse in her mental dictionary.) Simon said it was not his best, but that his core audience (old folk's home residents, remember?) will love it.

Elliott had his turn with Barry, and although he admitted to not being a big admirer, Elliott emerged a "fanilow". Looking much less Amish this evening, he sang Teach Me Tonight from 1955. He looked good in his yellow, untucked dress shirt, JEANS, and big tie, and sounded great, although with an entire decade of classic music, I found the song choice odd. It is a difficult song to sing and even more tedious to listen to. Personally, I was again left a little "Eh" by it. But Randy hacked out another "you worked it out", Paula had "goosebumps", and Simon left it at "Fantastic". I'll take his word for it.

Another break and Pickles was up to sing Patsy Cline's Walkin' After Midnight from 1957. I admit that after last week's Pamela Anderson fashion debacle, I was happy to see her walk out in JEANS and a couple tank tops, her hair straight and sexy, and the tarantulashes back in their cages. She is a beautiful girl and does not need to be gussied up like a kewpie doll. Pickles worked the stage, even taking it out onto the audience platform behind the judges - you could tell she was a million times more comfortable than last week. Her dumb blondeness still gets on my last nerve, but if I have to endure her presence, this is the one I can put up with. Shame on the stylist who turned her into a Stepford Pickle last week.

Randy thought is was a great song choice; Paula said she was a tigress, not a minx (Pickles still doesn't have a clue); and Simon said, "You got this absolutely right. Welcome back."

Last, but certainly not least (I know how many of you have to wipe down the TV after you drool over his performances) was Beanie Baby Ace. Switching up the classic In The Still of the Night from 1956, he stood on the darkened stage in his blue dress shirt and JEANS, his hair not as perky as usual, with a strand that threatened to enter his mouth the entire song. Sadly, that's all I could concentrate on - I just knew it was going to sneak in and he would begin hacking like a cat with a hairball in its throat. He sounded much better than last week's trainwreck vocal, and the falsetto ending was a good choice. Randy said "Ace is back tonight"; Paula babbled about it being his "sexiest", "sultriest" (my spellcheck is going to pop a vein over that one); and Simon said that while it was not his best vocal, it was a "helluva lot better than last week". He may not be in the top three vote getters, but I do think it may have been enough to keep him away from the Bottom Three.

And that ends our trip to the 50's. Time to jump into our DeLoreans and come back to the future, kids. If I had to hazard a guess at tomorrow night's eject, I would probably have to say Bucky or Lisa. Not because I think Lisa should go, but because she was so close last week and this performance was not exactly stellar. Bucky may be able to hold his country contingent of voters together and last at least one more week though.

As for Egghead - with VoteForTheWorst.com and AARP on his side, I shudder to think how many more weeks of ingenious cutting and pasting I have to come up with. Maybe they'll do disco night next - just think how hot he'll look in an Afro and gold chains...

Chef Cooks Up Stink Over South Park

There are many smells in this world that do not exactly encourage me to draw my breaths in quick succession.

Limburger cheese and brussel sprouts have no place in my kitchen. And looking back at that sentence, I can only imagine what fresh olfactory hell would be opened up were they to be cooked together...

Dairy farms, construction site port-o-potties, and raw, rancid chicken curl my nose hairs as well.

Rounding out that list would be scents such as body odor, Frito feet, and breath that smells like those construction site port-o-potties.

But not even a rancid chicken sandwich, covered with melted limburger, eaten while driving past a dairy farm in a schoolbus full of sweaty teenaged boys, holds a candle to what, in my humble opinion, stinks worst of all...

Bullshit with a steaming side order of hypocrisy.

And a buffet full of it was served up this past week by Isaac Hayes, the voice behind the popular character, Chef, on the Comedy Central series South Park.

For the uneducated, South Park is a cartoon series revolving around a group of 4th grade boys, who look angelic enough on the outside, but who swear like sailors and expose the world for what it is: one big melting pot of egos, insanity and intolerance.

Oh, and it's f**king brilliant.

Yes, I am a huge fan of the series. Creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone have been churning out social commentary, stinging satire, and some of the best laughs on television since 1997. No subject is sacred, no topic off limits, and no human frailty goes unmined for comic gold.

And while it is easy to lambaste the show as nothing more than offensive and rude, those who do miss the entire point of the show. South Park declares open season on every stereotype, organization, religion, news story, gender, age group, income bracket, celebrity, fetish, wackjob, belief system, and political party. It is the show that not only points out the white elephants in society's living room, but drags them under the magnifying glass and exposes every wart, freckle, and ingrown hair associated with them.

Think Jon Stewart if The Daily Show were a cartoon. The object is no different. Expose, inform, and deliver comeuppances to the corrupt, the morally bankrupt, and the just plain stupid.

Essentially, tell the truth.  And the truth is seldom neat, pretty or politically correct.

In the show, the character of Chef - who works in the boys' school cafeteria - is their go-to guy when something in the world around them is confusing. Chef, for all his womanizing, helps them navigate the stupidity that surrounds us all, sometimes inadvertantly adding to that pile of ignorance himself.

For 9 years, Isaac Hayes has voiced Chef in episodes ridiculing everything from Catholics to Jews, PETA to NAMBLA, Osama to Saddam, George Clooney to George Bush, and on and on, cashing every check along the way.

Yet suddenly, with the November 2005 episode that outed Scientology, making fun of its origins, odd rituals and, of course, celebrity contingent, Isaac has decided South Park is just too "bigoted and intolerant".

Bigoted and intolerant? For nine years he has padded his bank account by poking fun at every religion under the sun, and now the show is bigoted and intolerant?

Oh, wait, Mr. Hayes is a Scientologist.

So it's ok to make fun of other religions, but not the one championed by Scientology Grand Poobah, Tom Cruise?

To quote Matt Stone, he and  co-creator Trey Parker "never heard a peep out of Isaac in any way until we did Scientology. He wants a different standard for religions other than his own, and to me, that is where intolerance and bigotry begin."

I could not agree more.

Not only has Isaac Hayes quit, but Comedy Central, which is owned by Viacom, which is owned by Paramount, which is the studio producing Tom's Mission Impossible 3 movie, has yanked the repeat of the Scientology episode which was scheduled for next week. Whisperings in Hollywood are that Tom exerted pressure, threatening to do no PR for MI3 if it were not pulled.

Basically, he threw a Cruise Control hissy fit (much like the one he threw in the yanked episode of South Park - yes, he was as much lambasted as was his "religion") and got his way. And while he may not acknowledge it, this tantrum certainly doesn't help his public image - not that jumping on Oprah's couch gave it a boost either...

As for the character of Chef, my initial reaction was that I hoped Matt and Trey would concoct some spectacular, yet hysterical, death scene in which Chef is obliterated from the series. But the more I think about it, I believe it would be much more fitting (and revenge worthy) to keep the character on the show. Perhaps have woman crazed Chef contract a debilitating sex disease - like Syphilgonorherpes - and have him in every episode, in the background, slobbering in a wheelchair, his nose all syphilled out of proportion, covered in vaginal warts, and playing with himself.

Oh yeah, he would stink really bad too.

Just like that bile inducing cologne Mr. Hayes is wearing these days: Eau de Bullshypocrisy.

American Idol Results Recap, Wednesday, March 15: Fat vs Phat?

I have spent today fielding emails about last night's Wonderpalooza recap. Mostly good - thank you for all your praise regarding my exceptional cut/paste talents - even I think my picture of Kevin Wonder rocked; a few bad - how can I be so heartless to the young, but so very sexy Egghead? He brings it on himself kids.; but the majority wanted my take on the article making the rounds today having to do with the body bias, basically fat vs thin, towards contestants on American Idol.

The upshot of the article is simple: Skinny, good looking people last longer on the show and are welcomed into the pop music fold with open arms if they are aesthetically pleasing. That no one wants to see Mandisa shaking it on MTV, but would camp outside TRL's studios overnight to be in the same city block as Pickles.

I'm not sure if those of you who emailed were expecting me to contradict this accusation that society is one big Shallow Hal, but if you were, it's not happening.

Human beings are shallow, we do turn our heads to check out the fine flesh that just walked by, and we keep a billion dollar diet industry in business with our endless quest to attain some absurd perfection and be one of the "beautiful people".

Don't the names Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton ring a bell? Their fame is derived from one thing only: they are nice to look at. There are no stellar intellects lurking under their dyed blonde manes. But their body fat percentage is in the single digits.

But what about Rubenesque Studdard, you ask? He won the AI title! Yes, yes he did, but in the grand scheme of fame, he has won little else since then. That doesn't mean Ruben can't sing, of course he can. It does, however, mean he has a face and body made for radio. He may sing the pants off a love song, but watching his unhealthy girth get jiggy with a popsicle stick of a woman in a video is just off putting.

Even Egghead will eventually fall victim to his less than pleasing physicality. The whole "sexy boy" jokes are going to wear thin.

By the same token, why do you think Pickles and Beanie Baby will be around for weeks to come? They both sucked the air out of a good lung last night, and are by no means the strongest singers or performers this season, but they are eye candy. And our retinas are addicted to that kind of sugar.

Basically, milleniums of technological progress, and the ability to text message our adoration, will never wipe out our baser emotional instincts.

Do I think this is right? Do I think this is fair? Do I think it is impossible to fight against this bias? No, no, and no. Of course I don't think it's right to discriminate against, or simply discount, someone because they are large, but I also don't think we are helpless in the act.

Use this AI season to vote for talent, regardless of the packaging. If Pickles stinks one night and Mandisa blows the roof off, VOTE FOR MANDISA. If Ace hits every note but the ones actually in the song, and Bucky drives home a solid performance, VOTE FOR BUCKY. If Smurfette dresses like the Church Lady, but hits a homerun vocal, VOTE FOR HER.

Fat, thin, ugly, hot - it shouldn't matter. So don't let it.

(This ends the public service announcement portion of our program. We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.)

Now, onto tonight's results recap...

As the show opened, the Idols were gathered under the dramatic lights like some film noir police line-up. They always say, "don't do the crime if you can't do the time", but tonight, whose singing crime would mark the end of their Idol time?

Would it be Part-time Lover/Full-time Stud Egghead Diddy? Or Deep Throat McGhee who looked great, but missed that tiny detail of actually knowing the song lyrics? Maybe America would have been thoroughly turned off by Stepford Pickles and her fake eyelashes. Or perhaps Buckilocks' golden hair would prove less pleasing than a bowl of cold porridge?

32 1/2 million votes would tell the tale.

A quick intro of the judges: Randy, who continues to buy into the whole "vertical stripes make you look thin" thing; Paula dressed in hair by Zsa Zsa and cleavage by Wonderbra; and what's this?!?! Simon in a white dress shirt and chest hair?!?!

A quick video recap of last night's show, made even quicker thanks to my TiVo remote and off we went to the first $5 million commercial break, only to come right back into the first Ford Fusion spot (aka: exploitative contestant ankle grabber). I HATE THESE. WITH A PASSION. These spots reinforce for me that somewhere, in all the mountains of contracts these kids have to sign to compete, there is a clause that reads: "The contestant, also known as Schmuck, hereby sells his/her soul to the devil, also known as the Ford Motor Company. Schmuck agrees to embarrass, humiliate, and otherwise debase him/herself each week so that the Devil can sell more cars and become wealthier."

And this spot was a beaut. Ahhh, there was Chris, strumming a guitar next to a plastic fire and a Ford Fusion, singing All I Want (you could see that all he wanted was to throw himself on the plastic flames). He was joined by the other Idols as they popped out from behind trees, bushes, the Fusion... And then what I surmise was suppose to be Big Foot, but who looked like a Yeti version of Simon, joined the gang around the plastiflames, only to be busted by Ranger McPhee. But then, the Yeti removed his head and it was Ace, making everything all better.

And somehow, this is supposed to make me rush out and buy a new car? A bottle of Mylanta maybe, but a car?

As penance for enduring the Ford Farce, we were all rewarded with Stevie Wonder singing live. Now Stevie may not be everyone's personal cup of tea when it comes to music (I don't own a single album, 8 Track, cassette or CD of his), but sitting alone on stage with his keyboard, it is evident why the man is a musical icon (although not so evident if you are a 12 year old who has never heard of him and simply wants the show to get moving to the results). He still has a passion for his music and a subtle command of the audience. It was a rare moment when Idol truly showcased amazing talent. (Although, let's be honest, the main thrust of his appearance was that Idol gets bragging rights and Stevie gets CD promotion.)

A quick Thank You to Stevie and the lights were dimmed to play Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Wait, sorry...the lights were dimmed, but it was to fish out the bottom three vote getters.

Beanie Baby and Egghead were on the chopping block first. And no one was as shocked as Ace when the axe cut him off the couch and to the middle of the stage with Ryan. OK, ok, maybe Egghead was a tad shocked too - but COME ON PEOPLE - his ego is already overinflated enough, can you imagine how insufferable he is going to be by besting Ace?

Poor Ace stood there with a look on his face that said, "But wait! I'm HOT, remember?" (Quite frankly, given my lecture above, I was proud of you people for sending the wake-up call to Mr. Beautiful that he'd better bring more than his hair and broad shoulders. But that being said, EGGHEAD HAS TO GO!!)

AFTER. THE. BREAK, Ryan worked through the Couches of Carnage fairly quickly:

Smurfette, who looked like Diana Ross, circa The Supremes, Pickles, Mr. Soul Patrol, and Chris - all SAFE.

Out of Elliott and Mellissa <SHOCK> Deep Throat was in the bottom three. She knew. I could tell by the way she dressed, she knew. Decked out in Paula's hair and a sparkly black and psychedelic halter top, she was making the most of her last moment in the spotlight.

Mandisa, wearing King Tut's burial collar, was SAFE, as was Cheekbones McPhee.

That left Lisa T and Buckilocks (who had resurrected his unkempt ponytail this evening). Bucky was SAFE, Lisa T hit center stage...in a bad way.

One more break and then Ryan sent Ace back to the safety of the couch cushions. He was so relieved, he actually bowed to the audience, either that or he almost passed out...

Mercifully, Ryan made it quick ; Lisa SAFE, Deep Throat UNSAFE.

By her own admission, she was not surprised at the verdict. And let's be honest, no one else was either. It just makes me wish Gedeon or Ayla had hung around - they would not have made the huge misstep of being underprepared the way Deep Throat had.

A quick video of her "journey" and then she was given the mike to sing one last time...for ten seconds. That's all she got out of her mouth before the show was over and Fox's new sitcom, The Loop, came on.

But then that's how it is in the real world. One day you're in, the next day you're out. Wait, sorry, that's how it is on Project Runway....but you know what I mean.

That's it for this week kids. I'll catch you back here Tuesday night when the FINAL ELEVEN (that just sounds stupid) compete again. And remember: Fat, thin, ugly, hot - it doesn't matter.

As long as we vote Egghead out, that is.

American Idol Recap, Tuesday, March 14: Does Stevie Wonder Why He Gave Permission To Use His Songs?

When they announced, at the end of last week's results show, that the FINAL TWELVE contestants (allow me to digress a moment...Why is there such a big hype made about the FINAL TWELVE, when in reality, only the FINAL TEN get to go on the American Idol tour, and only the FINAL TWO have a shot at a million dollar contract, with only the FINAL ONE getting the big airtime and promotional push? Just curious.) would be performing the songs of Stevie Wonder this week, I admit I groaned.

Stevie Wonder tunes.

The most played out, oversung, stylized songbook in history. How, I wondered, would someone like Egghead Diddy ever be able to wrestle one of these songs into submission, much less make it his own?

Then I thought, maybe that's a good thing. Perhaps, just perhaps, he would choose something like Sir Duke or Jungle Fever, yanking us out of the Land of La La and making it painfully obvious to 30 million viewers that it is time we all Just Called To Say I Love You But Go Home.

Sadly, with E. Diddy having been taken under the wing of VoteForTheWorst.com (along with Space Cadet Pickles), I fear he could opt to sing Stevie's The Secret Life of Plants and still be with us, a la Scott Savol, almost to the FINAL FOUR (which doesn't mean anything either unless you are talking college basketball).

After all, they now have stylists for hair, make-up, clothing, etc, to help guide and shape them for each performance...and maybe they have discovered some soul in Egghead that we just didn't know exists.

But onto the recap of tonight's Wonderpalooza...

After learning of the new TV Guide Channel "precap" of American Idol, hosted by past Idol wannabe Kimberly Caldwell and Popstars alum Rosanna Tavarez, I decided I owed it to the recap to check it out. You know, some people just cannot get enough of American Idol, but after watching for fifteen minutes (most of which was spent trying to figure out Kim's weedwacked hairdo) and the biggest revelation being that one of the AI hairstylists really wants to dye Melissa McGhee's hair DARKER, I discovered I am not one of those people.

The show opened as Ryan warned us that with the girls and boys thrown together, we are now at the point where there's not only "a whole new stage", but "a whole new level of pressure".

Oooo...Boys AND girls together!?!? Groundbreaking television!

Yes, yes, yes - the show is now being broadcast from the Caberet Lounge of the QE2. Well, you would think that, judging from the lights (1,000!!!), stage size (ginormous!!!), bigger band (horns and everything!), and bigger crowd (stadium seating!).

All this set design gushing moved us into a "Boo Hoo Victory Video Montage", aka filler crap, used as an excuse to make this show two hours tonight. And me stuck watching it in real time - I couldn't fast forward. This was when I hit the pause button, fed the dog, answered some of your email, put on my pajamas, and read the dictionary.

That bought me enough fast forward time to last the rest of the show.

Ryan introduced the AI contestants, all of them looking slightly more polished than in past weeks thanks to the helping hands and hot oil treatments of the show's team of stylists. Although Smurfette looked like a cupcake and I swear Bucky had used hot rollers...

A quick intro of the judges and then we were treated to a video on the career of music guru, Stevie Wonder. That I sat through. The man is a musical jewel, with 24 Grammy awards and a Best Song Oscar, and he continues to churn out music that pleases the ear and soothes the soul.

The snippet of him showing up to meet the Idols was heartwarming, even though most of these kids were not even born when Ebony & Ivory came out. A few choked up and Elliott damn near had a stroke.

First up tonight was Beanie Baby Ace, singing Do I Do. I do, I do believe I said something like, "Dear God, No". And then he began to sing, and I knew that's what I said. This is why I initially groaned at Stevie Wonder night. His songs are so highly stylized vocally that it is impossible for anybody else but Stevie to sing them and not sound like crap. Ace looked good in his jeans, tennies and black Henley, but that's all he had going for him. Between a bad song choice and severe stage fright, it was almost painful to watch. Randy and Simon thought it was not good. Paula, however, couldn't actually hear the song through her twenty pounds of hair and thought he did great.

After a $5 million commercial break (there were TEN, I counted), we came back to Pickles, admitting for the cameras that she is "not that familiar with Stevie Wonder music". Don't feel bad Stevie, we'll just add you to the growing list along with spinach salads, caaaaalamari, and mink. When Stevie joked that he thought, by her accent, that she was from England, and she said, completely serious, "Really?", it totally confirmed for me that I have not been wrong in my assessment of her: Box of hammers. Bag of hair. Not the brightest crayon in the box. Whatever pretty way you want to say it, the bottom line is that Pickles is as dim as a ten watt light bulb.

Her last words in the video, "I have no idea what I'm doing" were fairly prophetic.

Choosing to sing Blame It On The Sun, Pickles walked onto the stage dressed as Pamela Anderson in a strapless black dress, Heather Cox's tarantulashes, wavy locks and Frederick's of Hollywood pumps. I gagged to discover that I prefer the old Pickle with straight hair and blue jeans.

Her voice was shaky, she had zero connection to the lyrics and looked like she was completely lost most of the time she was singing. It was horrendous, and piled on top of Beanie Baby's painful opening, I began to Wonder if Stevie was listening and contemplating yanking his songbook from AI. The judges all agreed with Simon that it was her worst performance so far. And I'm sorry, but it was not helped by the ignorant banter with Ryan about her shoes and eyelashes. Next!

Elliott, who "majorly impressed" Stevie during rehearsals, took the stage to sing Knocks Me Off My Feet. Looking stylized himself in his white blazer, jeans and blue dress shirt, he seemed comfortable enough, but the song really started low and slow, and segued to iffy in the middle.  But then he seemed to connect with the song and it ended really well. Randy thought it was good, Paula just thought it was great how he" wasn't afraid to show Stevie how moved" he was in rehearsals. (Psst, Paula...Stevie is blind). Simon called it the "best so far", but that it wasn't incredible.

Another bazillion dollar commercial heist and we were back to Mandisa and Ryan sitting on the chit chat stools. My girl looked beautiful with her hair pulled back, wearing a classy black dress, but then she complained about her feet hurting. The camera panned down to reveal her poor peds crammed like sausage into ridiculous heels. No problemo - Ryan took them off and she no longer had a thing to worry about as she performed Don't You Worry About A Thing, barefoot. The song started a little low, making it hard to understand, but then suddenly Mandisa ripped it wide open and blew the roof off, dancing around to the point she was covered in sweat a la Ruben Studdard. Simon summed it up with "Now we have a competition." Barefoot Mandisa - you rock.

AFTER. THE. BREAK we returned to Bucky singing Superstition in a denim shirt, jeans, boots and Courtney Love's hair. My God, it was so bouncy and wavy, he looked like a woman with a mustache. Somehow I think that after tonight, Bucky will buck the tradition of letting the stylists do whatever they want. As for the song, I found myself really enjoying his performance. He was comfortable and it showed, although his signature "take a dump on the stage" dance move needs some work. All three judges enjoyed the performance, but Simon urged him to kill the hairdon't.

Next up was Deep Throat McGhee, her voice made even deeper this evening by a bit of a sore throat. The stylists finally got one right - she looked amazing. Kelly Clarkson highlights in her hair, gorgeous make-up and a black, sequined halter dress with heels, completely transformed the girl who last week looked like a drag queen. She sang Lately, a nice ballad, but it was evident she was really trying to work with her weakened voice, feeling her way through the song. Then she went and blew some lyrics, but managed to end very strong and remind everyone why she has made it this far. Her voice, that raspy quality, is so different from anyone else in this competition - well, aside from Chris. Simon was right - despite the lyric snafu and sore throat, it was her best performance so far.

Another break and Lisa T was ready to take the stage to sing the upbeat Signed, Sealed, Delivered. The stylists had worked some magic on Lisa too, outfitting her in jeans, heels, a long tee, leather shrug and 80's power belt. Plus they straightened her hair, which only served to highlight her amazing smile. She sang with more life, energy and youth than in all the previous weeks combined, working the stage and making the song her own (damn you cliches!). Randy thought her runs at the end were "hot" (a compliment I guess, unless you're talking about the morning after too many burritos and beer), Paula said she "took chances" and Simon said it was great and he loved it.

Five million more dollars and we returned to Egghead sharing the chit chat stools with Ryan. And awwwwwww, they let two little girls come up on stage to give him a poster and get hugged by the Sexiest Man Alive (are you listening People Magazine?). Ick. As they played his Stevie encounter video and he announced his song choice of Part-time Lover, I screamed, Nooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!! He then said it was in keeping with his sex symbol image (my god, he can't really buy this garbage, can he?) and that he was going to "put a little sexy feel into it". I threw up in my mouth a little at that. This embryonic boy has never even been a nanosecond lover, let alone a Part Time one.

Taking the stage in striped dress pants, a tshirt and buttoned up floral shirt, he looked every inch the stud, didn't he? And the make-up. He had enough pancake on his face to serve the breakfast rush at IHOP.

Fine. He had energy. Fine. He committed to the song. But when he started in with the C3PO hand moves, I had to look away. It was a trainwreck. Randy and Paula, both apparently working their way into heaven, can't say anything to hurt his feelings, but Simon nailed it with one word, "Appalling." That Egghead responded with, "I wasn't expecting much from you anyway."? Well, I hope he's not expecting much in the way of votes - I don't know that VoteForTheWorst.com can even help him much longer.

Up next was Cheekbones McPhee, dressed in a cleavage enhancing nightgown and heels. It may interest you to know that second only to "Kellie Pickle Nude Photos" in Googling, is "Katharine McPhee Breasts". Singing Till You Come Back To Me, Cheekbones owned the stage. She has the most effortless voice in the bunch and the girl is beautiful to boot, even in a nightgown and heels. Randy bestowed the only "We got a hot one tonight", Paula babbled something about "piercing hearts", and Simon compared her to Kelly Clarkson.

Finally, finally, finally - silver fox Taylor Hicks took the stage, looking sleek and slim in a suit and white shirt, to sing Livin' In The City. He was awesome - a consummate performer. In fact, he needed that bigger stage - working it from side to side, dancing around, arching his back like spawning salmon. I could care less that he is not the best technical vocalist this season - he makes me smile each and every time he is on stage. Taylor Hicks is the kind of infectious that's good to spread around. The judges loved him, even Simon who compared him to "every Dad who's ever gotten drunk at a wedding...but you can sing." Go Soul Patrol.

The next one up was Smurfette, first in her Stevie video looking like a deranged Cocker Spaniel with those ridiculous rag mop hair extensions, then bouncing out on stage to sing All I Do.  It was readily apparent that young Smurfette donated her stylist time to Bucky's wave job, as she looked as hideously jumbled as ever. Wearing a jean skirt, too high heels, a pink lace blouse, hot pink jacket and an entire Claire's store worth of cheap jewelry, she looked like an old woman going to church (you know, that old biddy in Sanford & Son that was always harassing Red Foxx). She had also peeled her hair extensions off, sporting a 'do that made her look like the church treasurer. I swear, the kid can sing, but visually she is a mess.

Her voice was really strong tonight, and aside from a bad case of Elmer's Glue tongue, the performance was good too, but it only reinforces what I've said before - if that child can sing with a voice as big as King Kong, she certainly does not have to speak with the voice of a Smurf.

The judges all loved her, let's just hope the stylists can start beating her into submission next week.

Last up was everyone's favorite rocker, Chris Daughtry, who found the perfect Stevie song in Higher Ground. It mattered not whether you knew the song, it belonged to Chris and no one else. He ran onto the stage and it is now official, mike stand Matilda has a new dance partner. He waltzed her everywhere tonight and looked completely natural while doing it. Dressed in jeans, a striped shirt and with his head shinier than ever (seriously - cut back on the heavy make-up, guys...), Chris even rated special effects, as smoke poured from the ceilings for his performance. But it was merited because he was hot. The judges all loved how he made the song his own and Simon summed up what America feels, "Thank God for Chris."

So that's it for Wonderpalooza. Well, not actually, as the kids get to sing with him tomorrow night...but that's it for tonight.

Hard to say who will be Overjoyed tomorrow night and who will look back on tonight's voting as a Tuesday Heartbreak, who will Go Home and who will Take Up A Course In Happiness, who will be Cryin' Through The Night and who will be having an Easy Goin' Evening....ok, ok, I'll stop with the Stevie songs.

Just know that if Egghead Diddy gets sent packing, I'll be Happier Than The Morning Sun. And if he doesn't? Well, Heaven Help Us All...

Stop Googling - Your Search Has Ended!

I have often mentioned the magical ability I have to actually "see" where you people come into the blog from.  I can tell if you enter through a link in an email, another website, or if you have Googled and ended up here.

The beauty of the Googling portion is that I can see the actual words which you have Googled to get here.  Of course, this being American Idol season, the lion's share of those key words have had to do with the show and the contestants involved.

But as I have told you for weeks now, there is one contestant you place above all others when harassing the Google servers:  Pickled Mink a.k.a. Kellie Pickler.  Only you do not give a rat's behind about her life, her howetown, or her imprisoned father - no, it seems the driving force behind all this Pickle Relishing is her anatomy.

Specifically, " Kellie Pickler Nude Pictures ". 

Well, today is your lucky day!  I have managed to track down the only known full frontal nude picture of Kellie Pickler.  So, you one handed surfers of the world - enjoy.

Takes your breath away, doesn't it?

Now, knowing that there is a fringe element out there who also actively Googles the same thing about Egghead Diddy - rap lover Kevin Covais (I'm not judging, but...oh hell, yes I am.  Ewwwwwwwww), I have managed to dig up this rare nekked photo of him too.  Despite his sex symbol image on Idol, I was happy to discover that he is still a modest sort, as evidenced by his strategically placed hands.

(I trust I have made my point?  Now, once and for all, will you people please get a life?)

American Idol Results Recap, Thursday, March 9: Six of One, Half A Dozen of The Other

One of the things I like best about American Idol is its incredible power to bring people together. From families gathered around the television, to coworkers gathered around the water cooler, to peer discussions on the playground, the show has become a pop culture common denominator - something to which we can all relate.

I love receiving your emails about office betting pools, stories of twelve year olds who secretly stay up past their bedtimes, hiding beneath their covers and redialing for hours on their cell phones, tales of heated discussions between soccer moms in the carpool lines, and confessions from grandmothers whose pacemakers go pitty pat when Ace in on the stage.

But for the past several weeks, since dubbing Will Makar "Fred Savage" in my recaps, a heated debate has raged inside my inbox. Apparently there are a great many of you who just cannot see the resemblance, insisting instead that he is the reincarnation of Peter Brady.

I, do not see that.

Tonight, after exhaustive Googling, and cutting, and pasting, I feel the need to settle this issue once and for all...(in my favor, of course)...

Now, tell me I'm wrong, Marcia, and I'll throw a football at your nose

Onto the show...

As the camera panned past the faces of the contestants, they stood in a classic "deer-in-the-headlights" assembly. Ryan, working his inner Soprano this evening in a black suit and eggplant shirt and tie, warned that four of them would end up swimmin wit de fishes by night's end.

He then pointed to the empty chairs that resembled a space age egg carton. They would be filled by voters, well, not literally "filled by voters" - there was certainly not enough room for 30 million redial happy lemmings over there - but rather our 46 million votes would help fill the seats.

A video recap of the past two nights, cut down to 10 seconds by the magic of my TiVo remote, and then a miracle occurred. Just as I was beginning to twitch uncontrollably, just as my left eye was starting to water, and just as my hemmorhoids began to flare up in reaction to what I thought would be THE GROUP SONG, the clouds parted and out he walked.

Bo Bice.

My afflictions disappeared and a smile returned to my face as I basked in the glow of his V05 hair. My god it was shiny. A little small talk with Ryan about his new baby boy (I imagine Bo's style of singing redefines Rock-a-bye baby?) and then he commanded the stage as he performed his hit single The Real Thing. Comfy as ever, rocking out, he reunited with Mike Stand Matilda and proceeded to waltz her all across the stage. Tell me, who else do you know that can twirl a mike stand and make it look cool, not contrived? I mean, can Egghead even pick up the mike stand?

Anyway, Bo was the perfect example of why Taylor is going to cruise through this competition. They both are completely happy when they are performing - and you know darned well that their smiles are contagious. Heck, I was smiling so big, for so long, my teeth actually stuck to my lips.

AFTER. THE. BREAK, the girls were assembled on the Couches of Cruelty as Ryan began to narrow it down to the lady with the lowest votes.

Lisa T was quickly deemed SAFE, as was Melissa, who was wearing Paula's extra hair tonight. Ayla breathed a sigh of relief as she was told she was SAFE as well. Then there was Kinnik - and all I could think of was Nadia Turner the night she was voted off. Like Nadia, Kinnik seemed to know it was coming and dressed for her final turn in the spotlight. While everyone else chilled in jeans and tank tops, Kinnik looked stunning in a gorgeous dress and power stilettos. Thankfully, Ryan ripped the bandaid off quickly, basically stating, "Kinnik, go home."

I have to say, she acted as beautifully as she was was attired. She was humble, thankful, gracious and positive, even in the face of Randy's tired line "Keep believing in yourself." She took the stage against a Spirograph screensaver and sang one last time. Pure grace.

Another break brought us back to the guys awaiting the verdict on the Death Row Divans. Ryan quickly went through Egghead, Gedeon, Bucky and Elliott - all SAFE...for now.

He then got to Fred S, who had that look of terror usually reserved for the girls in horror movies who know there's something with teeth, a hockey mask, and a machete behind the closed door, but open it anyway. Sadly, Frederick was going home. As he stood next to Ryan, I must admit, that while I will go to my grave insisting he looks like The Wonder Years, that was certainly one mean Brady Bunch era shirt he was working tonight. Flowers, were they?

Then Ryan did what he does so well - he turned the knife - asking tacky questions meant to increase the emotions already drowning the contestant: "How does it feel to come so far? How much does this suck the air out of a good lung? You must be pretty disappointed, huh?"  Wow, not at all Ryan.  I actually had hoped I would get sent back to obscurity hell tonight.  I"ve missed my minimum wage job and these spotlights are making my hair get split ends

Freddie managed to compose himself, thanked the crowd and then sang one last time.

After more commercials (seriously, how many private villas in France do these producers need anyway?), the girls were reassembled on the couches, ready to begin filling the American Idol Egg Carton.

First up - Smurfette, dressed for an 80s prom with two rag mops glued to her head. Seriously, she needs to be in the final 12 if only to have a stylist grab her helium filled head and teach her how to dress. Well, she'll get that chance - she's SAFE.

Then a triumverate of S, S, S, S, A, A, A, A, F, F, F, F, E, E, E, E, T, T, T, T, Y, Y, Y, Y Dances followed as Cheekbones McPhee, Pickled Minx, and Mandisa (channeling her inner pimp this evening - work that hat) all grooved across the neon Cheerio to the cosmic egg crate, leaving Ayla - The Jolly Teen Giant and Deep Throat McGhee to sweat it out through another commercial break.

Again, props to Ryan and the producers for making it fairly quick and vomit free for the girls - Deep Throat was SAFE, meaning JTG had to leave.

I must pause here to comment on her reaction. I have watched this show for years and I don't think I have ever seen such a genuine show of emotion in that moment. Contestants generally fake their way through, say the right things, and somehow manage to keep the tears in check till the cameras are done rolling. I have always marveled at that, but tonight, as Ayla's emotional dam broke and her tears flowed, I believe I was more impressed with her honesty.

The judges, of course, offered a box of cliche Kleenex, "You're a star.", "Keep workin' at it.", and "You're a winner", none of which meant a thing. No matter, you could practically feel America hugging the poor girl as she attempted to sing one last time with an bowling ball of sadness in her throat.

Ayla will be just fine. Her life is a study in focus and achievement - couple that with a fresh faced beauty, and she will go far.

Another break and the guys were back to face the dirge-like music. Obviously running low on time, Ryan rushed through the first four: Taylor, SAFE; Beanie Baby, SAFE (collective DUH please for both); Chris, SAFE; and then Egghead?!? I honestly think he was more surprised than the 30 million or so people at home who all went, What the...!?!?!

Next was Elliott, only first we had to endure Ryan recognizing Thing 1 and Thing 2 (aren't they breaking their parole by traveling out of state?) dressed like Sta-Puf marshmallows in the audience. Poor Elliott, traumatized by their divadom during Hollywood week, had a What-fresh-hell-is-this? look all over his face.

No matter, he was SAFE and the Thing Twins can go back to jail.

This left Bucky (nervous) and Gedeon (smug) on the stage with Ryan. Simon guessed that Gedeon would move into the final 12, but as it turns out, he'll only be moving on down the line, as Bucky was the one sent to safety. And just as no one was more surprised by his making it than Egghead, no one was more surprised by his not making it than Gedeon.

He managed to pull it together and left on a positive note, stating, "This is not the end, just the beginning." And as he sang, I believe he is correct. If he is this good at 17, just think how much better he will be when he gets a few years of humility under his belt. Like Ayla, he will do well.

A video recap of the ejects, one big group hug, and Ryan bid us adieu till next Tuesday when the final 12 will commit vocal sacrilege against the works of Stevie Wonder. (Dear God, how many times do we have to be subjected to Ribbon In The Sky and Sunshine of my Life before the producers use some of that commercial booty to spring for some new song rights?)

That's it for this week, kids. I believe out of tonight's 4 ousters, I will truly miss Fred the most. But since I am a benevolent soul, and I know that many of you will be missing Peter Brady, I'll leave you with this special photo.

Now, you'll have to excuse. I'm suddenly craving some "pork chops and appleshauce, shweetheart."

American Idol Recap, Wednesday, March 8: TMI? Not Hardly

Well, as last night's "true confessions" videos yielded little in the way of contestant information we really gave a rat's patoot about, I certainly did not hold out much hope for Boys' Night revelations. I mean when the highlight of the female trivia included the word "chitlins", you know this is a pretty boring bunch.

That being said, I thought I'd share a couple nuggets of information with you about your favorite male contestants, just in case tonight's highlight is that Bucky likes Cocoa Puffs.

1. You people Google it incessantly - "Ace Young Girlfriend?" and the answer is YES, he has one. In fact, he has had the same one for over a year and a half.

I'll pause while you decide whether life is worth living anymore...

Still with me? Good. She is Essence Atkins, actress on the UPN's Half & Half, a show on which he has actually appeared while singing. And she would like everyone to know that not only is Ace a great kisser (come on, he could kiss like pig in slop and you people wouldn't care) but that he has a heart of gold as well. She says that every Christmas, he and his four brothers go to area Denver hospitals and sing carols to the sick children. Seriously, can this guy be any more perfect?

2. Taylor, on the other hand, is still single and searching, according to his bandmates. But then, I would imagine his twitching and involuntary spasms make it pretty hard for any girl to hold on, much less get close to him. No matter, he gets plenty of hugs ... from himself.

3. Kevin Covais' continued inclusion in the finals is actually an elaborately staged episode of Punk'd.

OK, ok, maybe I made that last one up...but then again...

On to the recap...

Ryan, looking uncharacteristically dapper in a navy suit and tie, welcomed us to the night when "the guys must leave it all on this stage". I momentarily thought, "Oh goodie! Strippers!", but then an image of Egghead in a gold lame' thong ripped a hole in my mind's eye and I damn near passed out.

As the guys were Introduced, did anyone else notice the disparity between how they dress for competition vs how the girls dress? The girls doll up, Wonderbra, sparkle, and two sided tape themselves into the tiniest, body baring pieces of fabric possible, and the guys look like they just woke up ten minutes ago and went "Damn! What's mostly clean?"

A quick hello to the judges revealed Randy wearing a cross necklace that was big enough to be a clue in The Da Vinci Code. Paula was decked out in her traditional Wednesday night cleavage, only this time it was highlighted with a fake flower the size of her head. And Simon was swathed in an eye catching combo of arrogance and conceit.

Up first with his startling revelation was Gedeon, who revealed he loves to paint. He then proceeded to explain one of his works (A. Record. Album. That. Is. Also. The. World.) as if he were teaching a class of mentally challenged children. Seriously, he must have studied at the George Bush School of Oral Presentation. Taking the stage to sing When A Man Loves A Woman, he looked great in his black suit, hot pink shirt, and matching hair spotlight. Now, while the vocals were not exactly the most demanding we've heard from him, I have to give him this: I completely forget he is a teenager when he performs. There is a confidence on stage that is enjoyable to watch. Randy lauded his "old soul", Paula called him "unique", and Simon summed it up with, "You are quite odd." I agree, he is good, maybe a bit theatrical, but like mold on old cheese, he is growing on America. I think he'll make the cut.

Next up was front runner Chris Daughtry, confessing that several years back he sported Ryan Seacrest, highlighted, spiked locks. Thankfully, he began losing some hair and decided that Receding-Hairline-Ryan-Seacrest just wasn't happening, so he shaved it all off. Looking as comfortable as ever, Chris took the power growl down a notch with a slower song called Broken. But make no mistake, there was nothing cracked or chipped about the performance. He sings with raw emotion and ease and truly sells the song. Randy told him "he's ready", and Paula agreed that he will soon be selling out stadiums, but Simon cautioned him to not get too comfortable - that he needs to be as broad as possible. I don't know about you, but I love him exactly the way he is, and I never feel the need to see him sing Barry Manilow or Broadway show tunes.

AFTER. THE. BREAK, Egghead Covais shared that he loves hip hop, that his favorite artist is Kanye West, and that Kanye "drives" him when he performs. (Kanye, for his part, just put out a hit on Kevin.) Be honest.  How many of you just knew he was going to take the stage and bust out Golddigger?  Coming out on stage dressed for a middle school dance in jeans, a t-shirt and a baggy open shirt/jacket, he launched into Starry, Starry Night, the ode to Van Gogh's missing ear and suicide. Listen, Clay Aiken got screwed into singing it during Season 2, but Egghead chose it? You know, I was joking back there about the whole Punk'd thing, but this song had me scanning the crowd for a smirking Ashton Kutcher. Egghead is a sweet kid, but watching him sing is almost masochistic. I hurt for him, for his nervous blinking, for his lisp... Randy said he was "in the dawg pound eternally" - um, no, but I imagine after that song America will place him in the dog house permanently. Paula "adores" him, but Simon compared him to puppies playing, and stated that his fan base is basically located in retirement communities.

Another $5 million into the AI coffers and we return to Ryan in the Red Room with Taylor. The highlight for Mr. Soul Patrol has been meeting Christopher Cross (someone 29 million of the 30 million viewers have never heard of). Ahhh, Chris, the original face-made-for-radio...

Up next was Bucky, whose big reveal was that he has an identical twin brother named Rocky. Why does that not surprise me. What did surprise me was that I found Rocky to be more attractive than Bucky. Go figure... Anyway, singing Wave On Wave against a From Here To Eternity screensaver, Bucky assumed the position favored by all the guys tonight - standing glued in front of the mike - seriously, was it some pact they made? His vocal started low and slow, and honestly wasn't bad, but then, it was great either. If anything, I came away with "Eh." Randy called it "funky country" (isn't that the smell when you drive past a dairy farm?), Paula loves that he is unpretentious ( a word you could see meant as much to Bucky as "minx" did to Pickles), and Simon basically summed it up with "Eh." I love it when I'm right...

For those of you who chose now to blink, it was not a camera trick, there were suddenly two Buckys when Ryan pulled Rocky ( who was dressed as a photo negative of Bucky) to the stage.

Fred Savage was next, titillating us with the ooo - ahh info that he is learning Japanese. He even gave a Japanese Pokemon shout-out to his 11 year old fan base, "11 year old girls of the world, UNITE!" Don't worry Fred, they already have and will speed dial till the button falls off. Dressed in jeans and a tshirt/oxford combo, covered by a blazer, he sang James Taylor's How Sweet It Is To Be Loved By You. There was certainly nothing stellar about the performance, but he was more of a star on stage than he has been. Randy said he was not the best undiscovered talent (Duh), Paula doesn't kick puppies and therefore told him it was a great job, and Simon summed it up as utterly average, but that obviously with Paula's adoration, he would surely pull the middle aged vote. Sorry Simon, but he's pulling more than middle aged voters. He has the massive tween dialers on his side and he may find out just how sweet it is to be loved by them come tomorrow night.

Finally, it was time to smile. Mr. Soul Patrol donned a bunny costume to explain one of his many menial jobs in earlier life, then took the stage to sing Michael McDonald's Takin' It To The Street. PERFECT. He embraced the song, even threw in a couple hugs for himself along the way, and then ... what THE hell? What started as a bit of stomping, shuddering and a dance move reminiscent of rolling down the car window, turn into a full fledged seizure, complete with Elvis arm movements and a sideway arch of his back that made him resemble spawning salmon. No matter - like America, I adore this man. He could care less what he looks like when he is performing. He loves the music, loves the vibe and we all get swept right along because he is just so damned happy. Of course all the judges loved him, although Simon quipped Taylor "could single handedly kill the music video industry."

Another extended sucking of the advertisers' wallets brought us back to Elliott, who actually had something interesting to impart - the fact that he has 90% hearing loss in his right ear. Elliott has had more than his share of health issues growing up, including diabetes, for which he wears an insulin pump. Nice guy, and a nice inspiration to anyone facing health related adversity. Laid back in jeans and an untucked black shirt, and singing Heaven, Elliott quickly went from being "the best male vocalist ever" to "what the hell was Simon thinking when he said that?" He started smooth, but did anyone else think he sounded really feminine? The vocal was plain, blah, and he just looked like he wanted to get it over with. Randy, however, honored him with the night's only "We got a hot one tonight" and Paula said he was phenomenal. I TiVo'd back and relistened at this point and - NO, he was not. At least Simon chimed in with some reality, that it was a "cop out" and that there was " a disconnect" between him and the song.

One more break and everyone's favorite Beanie Baby was ready to sing. Ace's big confession was that when he moved to Hollywood, he had to work all sorts of odd jobs to get by. Whoa. I bet nobody's ever had to do that before. Snore. But then what do you expect from a guy who spends his Christmas caroling to children? He's just NICE. And maybe teetering on the edge of boring. Dressed down in double t-shirts and jeans to sing Butterflies by Michael Jackson, I know, I know, I know there are many people out there who adored his beanie, but all I could think was that he looked like a giant suppository. His performance was controlled in the beginning and the falsetto was even great - to a point. Then it went on for so long that I heard the neighbor's cat screeching back in reply. Randy thought it was hot, Paula just thinks he is hot (anyone notice how when she critiques Kevin and Fred Savage, she puts her arms in front of her chest, but when it's Ace, she full-on arches her back and spreads her arms wide?), and Simon called him on the screechy middle portion, but gave him the back handed compliment, "I think you made that work." Code for: You could sing Eidelweiss while wearing lederhosen and America could care less - they are blinded by your hotness.

That wraps up tonight's tell-all - no stunning revelations to be found, but one thing is certain, the guys are far more consistent as a group than the ladies. They all seem to have found their comfort zones (maybe it's all the tshirts that help with that) and I find it hard to predict who will go home tomorrow night. Best guesses? Rap master Egghead Diddy and Funky Country Bucky (and Rocky - they're a twofer deal).

You'll have to excuse me now. I promised my nine year old I would phone in at least 100 votes for Fred Savage (yes, tomorrow night, when he stays, blame it on this middle aged lady...)