American Idol Recap, Tuesday, March 28: Few Highlights in 21st Century

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to pay tribute to the memory of decent Idol performances past. Vocals that soared, arrangements that set your toes to tapping.

None of which were evident in this evening which showcased self indulgence, karaoke and enough hair extensions to keep Jonathan Antin in business for years.

Yea, tho I walk through the valley of the shadow of the 21st century, I will feel no excitement. For thy pathetic posturing are with me, thy lousy song choices and hairstyles irritate me.

Thou preparest a show before me in the presence of mine TiVo; thou annointest my TV screen with denim and strobe lights; my stomach runneth over.

Surely good song choices and mercy shall follow me all the days remaining in this season, and I shall dwell in my La-z-y Boy forever.

Amen.

You would think with a theme night that was basically, "Pick A Song You Really Like", the kids would have really served up something to make up for the last two weeks of lackluster Stevie Wonder offerings and 50's flops.

You would think that.

Well, at least that's what I thought. But I'm getting ahead of myself...

Ryan needs to whack his Soprano-loving stylist and get rid of this gangster-Mafia look he's been working for weeks. Tonight's black on black on black ensemble was more fitting for a funeral than a reality TV hosting gig.

Then again, most of tonight's performances were barely hanging onto life support.

Lisa T drew the short straw this evening - you know what I always say about going first - first to perform, first to be forgotten. She kicked things off with Kelly Clarkson's still-in-heavy-radio-play-rotation, Because of You. Working Cleopatra length hair extensions in her sleekly straightened locks, dressed in the first pair of JEANS of the evening, and a Kermit the Frog cami (with matching eye shadow, no less), she began to sing and I cringed inside. It was the vocal equivalent of a little girl wearing Mommy's ballgown and dress up shoes - it just did not fit her. I love Lisa, I really do - but she never should have chosen a song still so fresh in people's minds, unless she had twice the voice of Kelly to do it in.

It was impossible to sit through it without comparing each note and grimacing when she couldn't take the song where you knew it was supposed to go. Her vocal was weak and thready and she appeared to be wrestling with it the entire time.

Randy agreed that it was "not that good"; Paula did her usual puppy-dogs-daffodils-you-can-sing-your-butt-off-but-not-great-song-choice-butterflies thing; Simon just flat out told her "it didn't work" and that "some parts were actually painful". Simon, I think the real pain will come tomorrow night when she finally visits the Bottom Three as number 3.

After the first multi-million dollar break, Pickles was up. Was it just me, or did she look a little rough around the edges in her pre-song video? No make-up, hair mussed - she looked like a worn out soccer Mom (not that I would know what that looks like, mind you). Her song choice, out of all the songs released in the past 6 years? Suds In The Bucket by Sarah Evans. Don't feel bad if you went "???" too. You're not alone.

Taking the stage, she rocked the next pair of JEANS and a pink corset top with a belly baring triangle. Unfortunately, Pickled Minx hasn't been doing her crunches, and her tummy poked out in a decidely Britney Spears post-pg pooch. Her hair was stranded between Stevie Wonder Stepford night and her soccer Mom 'do - kind of wavy, kind of not.

As for the song? Don't ask me. I didn't know it, she didn't sell it, I stopped paying attention to anything but her stomach poking through the Bermuda Triangle of her top. Randy said it "was not exciting enough for her voice"; Paula agreed that she is "way better than that song", and Simon called it a "gimmicky-rodeo-whatever song".

I know, I know - you people think she is hot, so she'll stay. That doesn't mean I have to like it.

Ace was up to bat next to sing Drops of Jupiter by Train, dressed in - are you sitting down? - JEANS, and a denim shirt that had what looked like either a dragon or an eagle (a Dreagle?) splayed across the front of it. Oh, and he was also working a glitter belt buckle from the Elvis Presley Vegas Collection. Ace's hair was flat and lifeless (too much conditioner?) as was his vocal. Again, choosing a song so familiar, that has such a uniquely stylized sound (ayyyy, ayyyy, ayyyy, ayy) is dangerous territory. Ace just sounded baaad, baaaad, badddd, baad.

Randy flat out told him he "didn't sing it well", but Paula began slobbering and said "I am not going to be as harsh on you." (Collective DUH from the congregation, please.) She said it was "refreshing after the last two performances" and then her Train completely jumped its tracks and she babbbled, "Is that a scar?" Yes, Paula, Ace has a scar on his big, sexy, muscled chest - funny how you noticed that from fifteen feet away, when those of us at home with hi-def could barely see it even when he opened his shirt wider. Her final comment, "One day you'll have to explain to me how you got that..." earned her a warning from Simon - just him saying her name, but in a voice that intimated, "We-don't-need-another-lawsuit-because-you-have-wood-for-another-contestant". Simon then changed the subject from Ace's scar to Ace's scary bad performance - "wasn't a great vocal, quite karaoke."

But, like Pickles, "Hot" = "Votes", so while he may visit the bottom three again, I don't think he's in danger of going home - although given Paula's advances, he may wish he were headed there.

AFTER. THE. BREAK we returned to Ryan and Taylor, styling in JEANS, a screen print T and a black motorcycle jacket. Taylor explained the whole Soul Patrol thing - it simply stands for his legion of fans who have stuck with him since he first started performing years ago. A legion that has quickly grown into a full scale army this season.

Choosing to sing a song no one's heard of, Trouble, was risky, but then again, it's Taylor. He could sing the label off an Ex-Lax box, and I'd still love to watch and listen. And I did. Now, it was partly because of the sound of his voice, as he really connected with this song he loves, but I could not tear my eyes away from how hard he was struggling to stay attached to the mike stand and keep from twitching. And he succeeded. Taylor Tourricks did not spasm, arch his back or skip around. And it was a good performance.

Randy thought it was just "aw'ight"; Paula said it was nice to see him "just stand and sing"; Simon "quite liked the song" and thought it was an "excellent vocal", but that his stylist made him look "very Clay Aiken". Yes Simon, but in all fairness, Clay's stylist made him wear a RED motorcycle jacket in season two.

Next up: It may be Tuesday, but Mandisa was hell-bent on taking us to Sunday church, singing Wanna Praise You, a song she loves to sing in front of her own congregation. Her vocal was strong, but I hit my knees and began praying to God to make her STOP WEARING JEANS. And this time they had glitter insets no less. I know she was into her song and singing her heart out, but I was distracted by how hard the light crew was fighting to keep the spotlight above her waist. I love this woman, but jeans are just not the right look for her.

Randy said that "there's no question that you can sing", but that he didn't "get the song choice"; Paula is convinced we have all now joined "The Church of Mandisa", but Simon thought "it was a bit self indulgent". I almost have to agree - a gospel tune is certainly not the norm for American Idol competition, but then she did sing to the high heavens which no one else really did.

Another break and then Chris was sharing the Chat Chairs with Ryan, decked out in JEANS, a t-shirt and a tan jacket, to sing What If by Creed. Now, it's not as if anyone was surprised by his song choice - I mean, seriously, if anyone thought he was going to pull out something like Oops...I Did It Again by Britney Spears, they obviously are new to the show - but when he stated it, I had this small feeling of "ugh - not again". Not because I don't like Chris - I do - well, not as much as the tech crew who gets to roll out the smoke machines, laser lights and LSD screensavers when he performs - but because tonight he began to pigeonhole himself a bit.

His voice was strong, although if he went off key it would have been hard to tell considering the song is basically a screamer. And Matilda the Mike Stand enjoyed a romping ride around the stage, even if she was smashed to the floor at the end - don't worry, she likes it rough.

Randy didn't think it was his best vocal; Paula just babbled that she's one of his biggest fans; Simon was flat out negative: Like Mandisa's choice, he called it "indulgent", that "Creed would not be seen dead on this show" and warned Chris that he needs "to show a different side" of himself soon.

Cheekbones McPhee took the stage next to sing The Voice Within by Christina Aguilera. Wearing the new Idol uniform of JEANS and a tight top, she also worked boots, hubcap earrings and a necklace full of loose change she found in the couch cushions after last week's show. Her hair was full of extensions, but it was also a good look on her, softly pulled back. Her make-up was also warmer - in fact, she just looked HOT.

Her vocals, as usual, were the highlight (ok fine - I don't have testicles, so maybe her vocals are not the highlight for everyone) - she stayed close to the original and again made the process look effortless. She also connected with the song and sang to the viewers, not at them, as so many other contestants do.

Randy said it was a "good song choice"; Paula stated she "was her best"; and Simon said "it was almost as good as Christina".

Next up at the rodeo was Bucky, home at last in a cowboy hat, JEANS, and a shirt that reeked of Travis Tritt. Singing Real Good Man by Tim McGraw, I will give Bucky this much: he has never come across as confident and comfortable as he did tonight. Singing country puts him in his element. Although his element does not include dancing, as evidenced by that move he did which looked like his left leg had gone to sleep and he was dragging himself backwards by his right.

Randy said it was the right song for him; Paula warned him to watch his diction (Umm, Pot, I would like you to meet Kettle...); and Simon agreed with Paula - "I couldn't understand a word you said."

Smurfette chose to sing Beyonce's Work It Out so she could "be young" and "dance for the kids". Sadly, she must have beaten her stylist to death with a flat iron, as she was clearly dressing herself again this week. JEANS, a yellow tee, and a hot pink studded jacket were accessorized with Mr T's chain collection and a Flava Flav sized necklace. Oh, and someone had pimped her head - did you see the manhole covers she was wearing on her ears?

Her vocals were loose and flowed, but her dance moves looked constipated. Squatting, shaking her booty, chains flying everywhere - it was a visual trainwreck. Again, the child can sing, but there is something about her that is very contrived and faker than all that gold bling she was wearing.

Randy called her "fearless, the bomb", that she had "the best performance of the night", and handed out the first "this is a hot one". Paula thought she was "awesome", but Simon killed the happy buzz by calling her "precocious, a little girl pretending to be Beyonce' - whoopee."

I must repeat - the cherry on top of my Dislike Smurfette sundae is how she can sing like a grown up, but still insists on talking like a Rugrat.

One more break and Elliott was up to finish tonight's show with I Don't Want To Be - the same song nailed by Bo Bice last season. With lights flashing, Elliott looked like something from an Amish Boys Gone Wild DVD - no more sweater vests, dress shirts, ties... in their place were JEANS, a t-shirt, hoodie and Army jacket. Not since the days of Vanilla Ice, has a white boy looked this ridiculous trying to front "street cred". I felt waves of embarrassment wash over me on his behalf. The song sounded as hideous as he looked.  And he did not help his "look" by bouncing up and down throughout the entire song - he did - I TiVod back to make sure.  UP, DOWN, UP, DOWN, UP, DOWN...

I don't care that Randy gave him the 2nd "hot one tonight", or that Paula called him "unbelievable and fantastic". I'm not even swayed by Simon saying it was a "great song" and a "good vocal". It won't get a single vote out of my phone tonight.

Well, that's it for the 21st century. Personally, I'd say if tonight was representative of what has been accomplished in the music industry so far in this millenium, we may as well gouge out our eardrums now. I have some shish kabob skewers we can use...

(I will say that the one saving grace from tonight had to be that with Kevin gone, we did not have to listen to him lisp out something from Nthync - sorry, I mean Nsync.)

Comments

[Robin]

Linda, Thanks for the blog -- I also found you through GrayCharles (hi holiegh! Mind_Doc is my secret identity). I am new to the blogverse. My only fear is that I will electrocute myself when my Diet Coke comes out of my nose onto my keyboard.
Last night was pretty awful, with the exception of taylor and elliot. As I am not a big county fan, or a small country fan, I have no little trepidation regarding next week. Whenever I hear yodeling, I think of "The Lonely Goatherd". I always wanted to be one of the kids working the marionettes...

[Brian]

Must I really endure comments from a 16 year old Canadian? I mean really! I was left going, "huh?" "
who?" "whaaaa?" It was just like...oh my God...so confusing! Love ya Linda!

[Holeigh :)]

I am absolutely loving your blog, Linda! I found a link on graycharles.com and since I love the recap on The Advocate every week, I decided to check yours out...you're even funnier than the guy on TA.
This week was horribly boring; with most of the performances the only thing to do was bet on how many off-key notes there were going to be. Thankfully, Taylor came along and helped me climb out of the hole of suck (he was superb!), but I was soon plunged right back in...here's hoping next week gets us back to an exciting hour of television! Speaking of which...does anyone else agree with me: I'll take the commercials (and Seacrest) in exchange for the longer performances on a 2 hour show.

[Lori in Texas]

Robin - I understood your comment and I thought it was very funny. Some folks just don't understand sarcasm.

Linda - your comments were brilliant as always. Someone needs to ban Mandisa from the denim rack. I love her to bits & pieces and she's one of my favorites, but she needs to avoid jeans like the plague. They are just not flattering. I think she may be making a "statement" with them, but it's the wrong statement. We all know and appreciate that she's a big, beautiful woman with a big, beautiful voice and spirit, but she's even more beautiful when she wears clothes that flatter her body and don't exaggerate it.

Keep it up, Linda-girl... we all love ya and I devour your blog like chocolate-covered cherries. Yum!

[Robin]

I was being ironic! It was a joke! Sheesh....

[tripaway2day]

I still can't get past someone saying (in an all too serious tone) that they appreciate the "signposts that help them navigate the songs".

Where's my bottle of sleeping pills? I'm done.

[rafe]

Loved your take on last nights show, amazing that you could make it interesting after so many weak performances. Your blog is definitely way better than the show.

[Linda Sharp]

Great comments from everyone -

Thank you all for making me go back and check my notes. Yes, I had remarks about Smurfette's 'do in the margins of my notebook, but totally missed them while typing the recap. So here you go...

"Her hair deserves its own paragraph. While many of the other girls have discovered the joys of glue on hair - no one grows eight inches in 7 days, people, although there is always that ad for some Horse Mane Miracle Grow in the back of cheap magazines... - Paris looked like she had strapped Seattle Slew's tail to the back of her head. And when she started flipping it around? I swear I thought I was at the Kentucky Derby and began craving a Mint Julep and big hat. A REALLY big one that could cover my eyes...oh the hairmanity!"

[Shannon]

... I think I almost burst a lung when you wrote the part about the spotlight and Mandisa. I was completely thinking the same thing!!! That's all I could focus on in the song was the position of the spotlight. She's got a killer voice but when she wears jeans, I'm way too distracted by the bottom half of her body than her booming voice. She should never, ever, ever own denim.

[Gwendolyn]

Okay, so I agree with everything you said, but like a previous commentor, I CAN'T BELIEVE you left out Smurfette's extensions!!! I particularly like the part when she was all "I Dream of Jeanie" hair-flippin' on us and got her hair stuck in her lip gloss. So classy.
ALSO, what was up with the crabby judges tonight? I at least expected more rainbows-cotton balls-squishiness from Paula--she must not of had her extra dose of hydrocodone before the show.
I also love Simon's comments about the fashion--uh, what? Not just because he doesn't have any, but wasn't it last week he was berating Paula about "This isn't a dance competition..."?? Hey Simon, darling, this ain't no fashion competition either--have you seen Paris???
And I don't know about you, but watch Pickles eyes when she sings. Her eyes kinda go in a Marty Feldmanish manner (did I just date myself??) She has what I have affectionately call "Dumb eyes". It is also fun to slow-mo on TiVo. When she hears a word that she isn't familiar with, like the word "the", she gets that deer in the headlights look and her eyes go all buggy. Watch for it, it is something.
One last thing, Chris and Ryan chattin' up his last week's performance....because he has been hammered on the internet about stealing Live's version????? I guess they just wanted to make sure everyone knew that Chris didn't MEAN to act like it was his own original arrangement, but it just came out that way....uh-huh.
Oh and Ace, yup, thank you for the self taught sign language, I would have never gotten your lyrics...whew.

[Robin]

Paula asked about his scar, because during the song, when singing the lyric about a permanent scar, he scrabbled at his chest in an attempt to show us what one was. I, for one, was grateful for the helpful visual. Ace is helpful in this way, as he touched his hair when singing "hair", much as kellie winked when singing "blink". It is these little signposts that help me navigate the songs.

[SS]

I've started my own Idol re-caps blog, lots shorter than yours tho. But i noticed somethingyou didn't lol, the 3 FEET OF HAIR EXTENSIONS THAT PARIS HAD ON. Her performance was...all over the place, and topped only by Lisa's butchering of on my favorate songs. I'm a HUGE HUGE HUGE Kellie fan, and it's not becuase of the way she looks, because i'm a girl (and i like guys lol), i just think she's got talent, and i prefer her country songs to anything that Taylor's done anyday. He's just not my style. But you're, what? 40? (sorry if you're accually younger than that, i'm horrible at age guessing) and my mom's a Taylor fan too. Me? I'm 16 and a big Kellie fan. My dad likes her too, and he also likes Chris, although *I* would like to see christ accually attempt to do Oops I Did It Again, the ORIGINAL version, lol, no rocking it up, it would be funny, they made someone on Rockstar INXS do a Britney song last season lol. Also you're for the US, and I'm from Canada, so that might have something to do with it too. Go Kellie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!