American Idol Results Recap, Wednesday, March 22: Sunny Side Down For Egghead

Something's been bothering me since last night's episode.

The memory made it difficult to fall asleep, and the mental image it conjured up made me toss and turn more than dirty lettuce in a salad spinner. Surprisingly, the subject of my cerebral crampage was not the bespectacled face of Constantly-Seeking-The-Camera-Maroulis - although I have pondered last night's odd pairing of Connie and Ryan Cabrera several times today...but then, I guess when you have dated Ashley Simpson, anyone else is a step up, huh?

I wasn't even bothered by the weirdness that was Paula Abdul. In fact, I was taken to task by more than a few people today for not including her medicated-nonsensical persona in last night's recap. But then, when is she not medicated and babbling? "That was roses and sunshine puppies with rainbows dancing in the lavender meadows - not your best vocal - daffodils, tulips and bunny slippers - you look great - snowflakes, hot chocolate, and cotton balls."

Paula never makes sense. She's like the drunken Uncle we all ignore at Thanksgiving.

No, what continued playing over and over in my head was the critique Randy Jackson gave Egghead after he performed the lackluster When I Fall In Love. Randy said, "I see me in you."

??

This I rolled around my cortex as one hour seeped into the next. Could two people truly be more disparate as far as personalities and personas go? I think not. (Well, maybe Paula and anyone with two complete brain cells...) Needless to say, I had to see for myself what Randy in Kevin would look like, so here you go. Quite frankly, it's more than a little scary and certain to keep me up again tonight.

But onto the results...

Ryan Soprano opened the show, working a black suit, deep purple shirt and tie, and as the camera panned the Idols (is it just me or did Pickles look like she was getting goosed? That smile was waaaay too big.), he warned, "Tonight, the gig is up for one of our contestants."

With 35 millions votes tallied - wait, let me just pause to ask, how do we really know that's correct? It's not like the Oscars where the results have been tabulated by Price Waterhouse. Ryan could come out next week saying, "400 gabillion votes", and who are we to say, "Uh-uh."?

But I digress. The kids then gathered on the Davenports of Destiny and the set up was telling:

Back row: Beanie Baby, Mandisa, Elliott, Pickles, Chris and Paris - can you say SAFE?

Front row: Katharine, Egghead, Lisa T, Bucky and Soul Patrol - can you say SAFE bookends holding together a triumverate of dashed dreams?

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Ryan gave a quick hello to the judges: Randy dressed as a stop sign with matching Sally Jessie Raphael glasses; Paula working her own neon cleavage and at least 40 pounds of extra hair; and Simon, devil-may-care in his virginal white shirt.

I actually watched the recap of last night's performances and have to admit, it was one of the better Idol episodes I have seen. The good outnumbered the "Eh", and a few clearly distanced themselves from the pack.

AFTER. THE. BREAK we returned to our weekly date with the devil - the Ford commercial. This week the kids were playing on the beach to the tune We Got The Beat. Fordmobiles, surfboards, sunhats, beach towels and umbrellas were in abundance, but the sight that seared my retinas was Egghead decked out in a Love Machine muscle shirt, aviator shades and some Gold-By-The-Inch bling from a kiosk in the mall. The kids looked like this one was a bit less painful to film, smiling widely, but none so wide as my own when Egghead was buried up to his chin in the sand only to be abandoned by the other Idols. No worries though, as two beach bunnies came along and fondled his disembodied head. Ford truly is the devil.

Our reward for sitting through that beach blanket bomb without SPF (Satan Protection Factor), was Barry Manilow, decked out in head to toe, jewel toned blue. My God he was shiny, wasn't he? I love Barry, I have been a fan for more years than I care to admit are on my license, but I can only imagine that this segment went over with the huge tween demographic as well as the Stevie Wonder lead balloon did last week.

Singing Love Is A Many Splendored Thing amid rotating white daisy lights, Barry was clearly enjoying himself, but I found myself feeling a slight amount of embarrassment for him. It's not that he can't sing - he certainly can, but his selling of the song was as cheesy as a stuffed crust pizza. And does anyone else think he always looks like he forgot to take the hanger out of his suit? - his shoulders are so artificially stiff.

And good lord, a pan of the audience caught none other than ousted finalist Bobbie Bennett, of the Copa Cabana debacle-nightmare-disaster-fiasco worshipping and witnessing like he was in the presence of God Himself. And then he actually got to ascend the stairs, and enter heaven and Barry's embrace - Bobbie could die tonight and have not a single regret.

The commercial break offered a strategically placed promo for Barry's Manilovefest at the Las Vegas Hilton. (Fine - I admit I would go see him. Shut up.)

Back from the break, the lights were dimmed for the main event. Again, short on time, Ryan whipped through the contestants on the back couch, and just as I predicted - all were SAFE. 

If I may pause a moment to comment on Pickles - I have always maintained that she really is as airheaded as she comes off, that no one is that good an actress.  But her interjection of "What's a ballsy?" seemed more than a little contrived and played for laughs.  Unfortunately for Kellie - the laughs didn't come.  In fact, if you TiVo back, you could practically hear crickets chirping.  Yes, I think she has small town borders as far as her mental capacity goes, but tonight I started to believe she is either knowingly working her Chrissy Snow dimbulb image or is being actively fed lines like that by the producers.  Either of those options is definitely "ballsy" and destined to backfire. 

Heading to the bottom, Katharine was declared SAFE as well, then Ryan skipped all the way to the other end of the sofa to Taylor. It was the first time I saw a look of "What?!?!" cross Egghead's face. As for Lisa? She knew she was headed to the bottom three again and had dressed for the occasion - no jeans or tank tops, but a stunning sapphire blue dress and heels. Bucky dressed for a trip to Whataburger in jeans and a tee with matching cobras.

Taylor was quickly deemed SAFE for another week of human consumption, and our bottom three kids joined Ryan at center stage. At this point, Paula was already wiping tears from her eyes.

Of course we had to endure one more commercial break, but then Ryan sent my girl Lisa back to safety. She was relieved, but also looked like, "Damn - what a waste of this awesome dress." Paula managed to give some semi-coherent words of encouragement and then Bucky and his snakes were sent back to safety. I'm sure Ryan was saying something else, but I could not hear it over the bells and cheering in my head.

Yes, Egghead Diddy's sexy winning streak is over. There's nowhere to go now but the cover of People's next Sexiest Man Alive issue, right?

Watching Kevin's video journey, I still don't understand why he was ever in the final 24 to begin with. There were so many other male contestants whose voices soared above his and who had an actual "It" factor vs his "Eh" factor. The best thing about his video was watching his hair grow out - seriously dude, no more jarhead shaves.

Now, before you go thinking I am completely heartless where this little guy is concerned, stop. He is a sweet kid, period, and I don't like seeing anyone with a decent heart have their dreams crushed. (That would explain why I danced a jig when Brenna Gethers was shown the door.) I appreciated his humble thanks to America and the way he handled the disappointment in front of millions of people, and his Mom & Dad.

Watching him say his goodbyes and sing his last song, I think we can take comfort in the thought that maybe, just maybe, since Randy thinks he is in Kevin, perhaps a little bit of Kevin will hang around in Randy too. We'll be looking...

Comments

hell, I don't know what it means when it's said like that. It's not "A" balsy, it's just...uh...blasy. But I love her anyways, and I'm getting a bit sick of this, It's a bit mean, and i don't like it, I'd rather watch my idol in peace and cheer for kellie without any negativity, all of it, and the fact that taylor annoys me as much as kellie anoys you so...uh...if i can manage it, i'm going to stop reading the re-caps becuase all they do is get me into a ranting mode, and i feel like being happy, not annoyed. so, yeah. You're great at what you do, and I love your old stuff, and quite a bit of your new stuff as long as it doesn't get too political. Nothing against YOU personally, you know, but I can't take the constantine bashing and that's why i never read them last year either. I DO like your first re-caps though, during the audition stage when we agreed on something, the fact that we both did't like the Britnam twins or Brenna. I love him in glasses, it makes him look like a hottie emo rocker guy. Enough is enough though, so i'll be trying not to read them in the future for the sake of my own emotions. But it doesn't mean that I don't like you, i do, i just don't agree with your veiws on half the contestants, and i get a bit upset when people are so critical of others. BUT i'm very happy that Kevin is GONE :D So...keep doing what you're doing, and i'll be back once idol season is over, and to read the stuff you write inbetween the idol recaps.

[gieneh]

You neglected to note the look of panic in Manilow's eyes when Bobbie zoomed in for the hug after the song. He looked like he was ready to cut and run before resigning himself to be Bobbie-handled. Ever the showman, Barry would NEVER forget the camera was watching but for a split second, I actually thought he was going to head for stage left.

[Lori in Texas]

Is there wax in my ears or did Kellie Mae Clampett REALLY say tonight that she didn't know what "ballsy" means???