Well, well, well - it seems that in the past week, the national Googling obsession of tracking down Pickles in the nude, gave way to a new, GLOBAL, specific body part quest:
"Katharine McPhee Breasts"
Yes, it seems that since I made those titillating nude pictures of Pickles and Egghead Diddy available early last week, that particular kink-thirst has been sated and now folks as far away as Finland, Australia and Denmark are working the Google servers overtime in an attempt to find Cheekbones' bra contents. So, once again, allow me to supply what you're looking for...
( . ) ( . )
Happy? Good, now get a life.
In other exciting Idol news this week, you'll be thrilled to know that a brand new website went live today to help you dress like your favorite contestant. StarStyle.com will dissect their clothing choices each week, providing detailed info on each stitch and seam. Thank God - because I have NO idea where to buy jeans, tshirts and tennis shoes.
But, onto the matter at hand - 50s Night On American Idol...
When I heard that the contestants would be performing songs from the 1950's, I admit I was excited. We're talking about a decade that birthed rock 'n roll, giving us the "velvet voice" of Nat King Cole, original nerdlet Buddy Holly, the original Elton John: Little Richard, the guitar genius of Chuck Berry, and of course, The King: Elvis Presley.
Part of my enthusiasm for this evening was based on the fact that 50's songs typically did not stand on big Celine Dion - Whitney Houston glory notes, rather they relied on the performers to take those sugar coated lyrics and sell them via strong vocals, emotion, fun, and the coolness of the artist. Seriously, have you ever listened to the words of Teddy Bear? Ridiculous, BUT that was a #1 hit for Elvis.
Coolness.
I could not help but wonder if Egghead could pull it off...
No wAYYYYYYYYYYYYY
Onto the recap...
Reminding us that we "decide their destiny", Ryan welcomed us to the show, again eschewing his ironic tees for a serious blue suit and power puff tie.
He then intro'd the Idols, who walked across the stage - beauty pageant style - ahhhh, Smurfette dressed like a banana; Pickles back to her old jeans and tank top self; and Cheekbones working that Google-o-meter in a silk dress and no bra. (Thank goodness for double stick tape.)
Tonight's theme being Songs from the 50's, Idol hooked the kids up with music guru Barry Manilow. His recent album, Greatest Songs of the 50's, was #1 for weeks, and he has more arrangement experience than just about any musician alive today, so this was a decent fit, much more preferable than allowing another batch of contestants to butcher his songbook. (John Stevens wailing Mandy, anyone?)
To work with Barry, a man who has sold over 75 million albums in his career - none of which are owned by any of the contestants - the Idols scored a quick trip to the strip - to Vegas, where he is currently performing. By their own admission, 90% of them were not familiar with him or his musical legacy, however, they all seemed to come away from their personal encounter humbled by the man and his talent for arranging and interpreting songs. (Either that or they are all becoming very good liars.)
First up was Mandisa, looking lovely as ever in a black, slit sleeve dress and heels (no bare feet), her hair on full 50's girl-group alert. Barry described her as "one of a kind" and "too much" (compliments both) and then she sang I Don't Hurt Anymore from 1954. Standing at the mike for the entire song, she hit a homerun - selling the lyrics, controlling her vocals. The only bad thing I can say is that her tongue was the color of Smurfette's dress. Someone needs to remind these kids to go "Ahhhhh" in the mirror before performing.
Randy, working his own style mojo in a blue shirt with matching glasses, said he was "a little speechless" but then went to call her performance "classy, great and amazing". Paula called her a thoroughbred, and Simon "absolutely loved it".
A six million dollar break and we came back to Buckilocks, hair not quite so bouncy, but the hot oil treatments evident nonetheless. Singing Oh Boy, by Buddy Holly, from 1957, he took the stage wearing JEANS (wow, where can I get some? Oh wait, StarStyle.com...), and a drab, olive shirt and jeans jacket, he put his signature country twist on the song, but I found myself bored. The only real excitement in watching Bucky comes from betting with my daughters on when he is finally going to miss the damned mike he throws from one hand to the other and take out an audience member.
Randy congratulated him on staving off the stylist with the hot rollers, but said it was not his best vocal; all Paula could offer was that he "had alot of fun"; Simon chimed in with tonight's first reality check, that it was "pointless karaoke" and "So what?" I think Buckilocks will be saying Oh Boy alot tonight, worrying about his inevitable Bottom Three spot.
Next up was Smurfette. Working with Barry, he was surprised to hear that voice come out of her mouth after first hearing her speak. Join the rest of the country, Barry - it is so affected, it grates like a Italian waiter with a chunk of Parmesan. Nonetheless, Mr. Manilow believes "she has an enormous career ahead of her" (Yes, if this singing thing doesn't pan out, I hear the Rugrats are hiring new voices). Singing the Peggy Lee classic, Fever, from 1958, Smurfette looked the best I have seen her during this entire competition. Someone took away her access to mountains of cheap bling, reined in her "more is more" fashion sense and dressed her for the song. Wearing a yellow silk halter dress (no one is going to Google for her boobs anytime soon), with a matching flower in her updo, and simple earrings, Smurfette kept the focus on her vocals for once. And she was great. Vocally. I still do not care for her personality, but she makes singing seem effortless.
Before the judges could critique her, I threw up in my mouth a little as Constantine Maroulis filled my screen with his sneering and pathetic "I'm a cool rocker" hand gesture. Wait - sorry - he was wearing glasses, so I guess that makes it an "I'm a cool, brainy rocker". Yeah, and Kellie Pickler in glasses is a Nobel winner.
Randy offered up a new cliche, which I'm sure he'll commence beating to death in weeks to come: "You blew it out da box.". Paula lauded her "impeccable vocals" and Simon simply stated, "This is what you do best." Then she began yammering on while standing with Ryan and that voice drowned out any admiration I was feeling for her. Someone tell her not to speak - it really is in her best interest to SHUT UP.
Next was Chris D, who "knocked out" Barry in their rehearsal. Singing Johnny Cash's signature tune, I Walk The Line from 1955, Chris continued to do what no other contestant (well, Taylor, maybe) does - he bent that song to fit who he is and it was a masterful version indeed. Standing at the mike, in a simple shirt and JEANS, he sang slow and low, commanding the entire audience's attention - 3/4 of the way in, he opened up, the strobe lights kicked in and he had the "big finish". My only notes? He's a star. Period. And this is why I love American Idol. This talent was hiding behind a Customer Service desk in a car dealership just needing a break like this one to send him into orbit. For once I agree with Paula, he should already be touring. And Simon nailed it that Chris "is the first artist on American Idol who's ever refused to compromise".
Two more country villas in Tuscany for the producers, and we came back to Cheekbones McPhee sharing the Chat Chairs with Ryan. She ripped Simon for giving an interview this past weekend in which he could not remember her name correctly, then we watched her video. There is a reason she is going to make it to the final three in this competition - she is not arrogant when she speaks, she is not stupid, but also doesn't come across as too worldly, and while she is gorgeous, she is also non-threatening. Basically, like a box of cocker spaniel puppies, she is completely likable.
Singing Come Rain or Come Shine from 1956, she was stunning in a navy silk dress, and worked the stage with sassy moves to match the lyrics. Her voice continues to amaze - she doesn't even have to try - it just flows out of her. Randy gave her the first "you worked it out" of the evening, Paula told her she "looked exquisite", and Simon bestowed a rare compliment: "Tonight you turned into a star." I agree.
My man Taylor was up next singing a reworked version of Not Fade Away by Buddy Holly from 1957. Now, you people know I adore Mr. Soul Patrol, but even I have to admit that tonight's performance left me a little "Eh". Working his inner Good Humor man, Taylor was decked out in a light blue/grey suit and tennis shoes, happy as ever, even skipping across the stage at one point, but the song was simply not very engaging. Nevertheless, Taylor is always fun to watch.
Randy coughed up another "you worked it out"; Paula called him fantastic; and Simon admitted he likes Taylor, but that it was like "a hideous party performance". No worries - Taylor is not leaving anytime soon.
AFTER. THE. BREAK we returned to Lisa T sharing the Chat Chairs with Ryan. She looked as cute as ever, and was one of the few to know who Barry Manilow was, even citing Mandy as a favorite song of hers. Barry called her a "powerhouse" and then she took the stage to sing Why Do Fools Fall In Love from 1956. As Paula said, she did look "adorable" in her khaki capris, tank top and blue, sequined shirt, but the song just did not seem to click. Plus, it seemed like her voice faded in and out more than a few times - either a mike problem or a low keyed arrangement issue. She had her big finish, but that was about all that was really memorable in the performance. No matter, you people know I love her smile and would take her over Smurfette any day of the week, so I will beat my redial button to death on her behalf tonight.
Randy said it was "just aw'ight"; Paula agreed with Barry on the "powerhouse" point, and the best Simon could offer was "It was OK."
Mr. Sex Symbol, Egghead, was up next, hot as ever in a buttoned-to-the-Adam's-apple polo shirt and blue Cheenos. Who dresses him? A clothing allowance and stylists and this Catholic school uniform is the best they can talk him in to? In his video (sans glasses - which does not increase his heat), he discussed choosing When I Fall In Love from 1956 - he picked it because he has yet to experience "true love", but hopes it will be like the lyrics. Yes, Kevin it will be, but first you have to at least undo your top button.
Sitting on the stage (with glasses and more hair - keep growing it Kev, it makes your head look a little more finished), he sang ok, not great. It was controlled, and as long as I kept my eyes shut, it was bearable. Even blinded though, I simply cannot envision ever turning on the radio and hearing him come out of the speakers, not even on Radio Disney. He may be America's favorite inside joke, but he simply needs cut loose.
Randy and Paula are apparently still working their way into heaven via blowing smoke up his keister- Randy babbled "I see me in you" - puh-leez, Randy officially joined Paula in the Idiot Bin with that one - and she cited his "moxy". (I do give Egghead credit for intelligence - he at least knew what that word meant, whereas Pickles would have blown another fuse in her mental dictionary.) Simon said it was not his best, but that his core audience (old folk's home residents, remember?) will love it.
Elliott had his turn with Barry, and although he admitted to not being a big admirer, Elliott emerged a "fanilow". Looking much less Amish this evening, he sang Teach Me Tonight from 1955. He looked good in his yellow, untucked dress shirt, JEANS, and big tie, and sounded great, although with an entire decade of classic music, I found the song choice odd. It is a difficult song to sing and even more tedious to listen to. Personally, I was again left a little "Eh" by it. But Randy hacked out another "you worked it out", Paula had "goosebumps", and Simon left it at "Fantastic". I'll take his word for it.
Another break and Pickles was up to sing Patsy Cline's Walkin' After Midnight from 1957. I admit that after last week's Pamela Anderson fashion debacle, I was happy to see her walk out in JEANS and a couple tank tops, her hair straight and sexy, and the tarantulashes back in their cages. She is a beautiful girl and does not need to be gussied up like a kewpie doll. Pickles worked the stage, even taking it out onto the audience platform behind the judges - you could tell she was a million times more comfortable than last week. Her dumb blondeness still gets on my last nerve, but if I have to endure her presence, this is the one I can put up with. Shame on the stylist who turned her into a Stepford Pickle last week.
Randy thought is was a great song choice; Paula said she was a tigress, not a minx (Pickles still doesn't have a clue); and Simon said, "You got this absolutely right. Welcome back."
Last, but certainly not least (I know how many of you have to wipe down the TV after you drool over his performances) was Beanie Baby Ace. Switching up the classic In The Still of the Night from 1956, he stood on the darkened stage in his blue dress shirt and JEANS, his hair not as perky as usual, with a strand that threatened to enter his mouth the entire song. Sadly, that's all I could concentrate on - I just knew it was going to sneak in and he would begin hacking like a cat with a hairball in its throat. He sounded much better than last week's trainwreck vocal, and the falsetto ending was a good choice. Randy said "Ace is back tonight"; Paula babbled about it being his "sexiest", "sultriest" (my spellcheck is going to pop a vein over that one); and Simon said that while it was not his best vocal, it was a "helluva lot better than last week". He may not be in the top three vote getters, but I do think it may have been enough to keep him away from the Bottom Three.
And that ends our trip to the 50's. Time to jump into our DeLoreans and come back to the future, kids. If I had to hazard a guess at tomorrow night's eject, I would probably have to say Bucky or Lisa. Not because I think Lisa should go, but because she was so close last week and this performance was not exactly stellar. Bucky may be able to hold his country contingent of voters together and last at least one more week though.
As for Egghead - with VoteForTheWorst.com and AARP on his side, I shudder to think how many more weeks of ingenious cutting and pasting I have to come up with. Maybe they'll do disco night next - just think how hot he'll look in an Afro and gold chains...
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Posted by: Puma Shoes | Monday, August 02, 2010 at 09:11 PM
Yes, very happy. Thanks, Linda!
Posted by: Lori in Texas | Wednesday, March 22, 2006 at 02:09 PM
OK, ok - mea culpa ladies! I was terribly remiss in not bending Paula over the chair yet again and doing the dry hump ridicule ream up her wazoo.
It did not escape my notice that she looked bathed in Valium, her eyes more hooded than a convention of Afghani Avon ladies.
I give Simon props for not making a fist and just punching her in her fake-haired head.
Her manic behavior and constant verbal diarrhea - she suffers from IBS (Incessant Blathering Syndrome) - are an insult to the contestants and viewers.
But, just like placing Egghead Diddy in the finals, the producers know how to keep people talking. I'm sure in their minds she does more good (read:$$$) than harm.
Happy now?
Posted by: Linda Sharp | Wednesday, March 22, 2006 at 01:32 PM
I have to agree with Lori on this, dear Linda. As I watched the show last night, I just shook my head and smiled as Paula stuttered and drooled her way through it, and said to myself "Ooh, girl. Just wait until Linda takes a go at you."
Did she promise to share her stash with you, or something?
That said, I loved your recap, as I always do, funny girl!
Posted by: Shana | Wednesday, March 22, 2006 at 01:09 PM
Awww, Linda, Linda, Linda girl!!! As usual, you were dead-on with your observations! But I'm surprised that you didn't have any comments about Paula's mental-margarita after Taylor's performance, when she babbled on and on about Simon's jealousy of Taylor's dancing (...wtf?). I was really looking forward to your take on her behavior last night -- she started the night like a manic squirrel and was barely able to force her eyelids open by the end of 2 hours.
Paula Is Evil And Must Go.
Posted by: Lori in Texas | Wednesday, March 22, 2006 at 12:25 PM