I have spent today fielding emails about last night's Wonderpalooza recap. Mostly good - thank you for all your praise regarding my exceptional cut/paste talents - even I think my picture of Kevin Wonder rocked; a few bad - how can I be so heartless to the young, but so very sexy Egghead? He brings it on himself kids.; but the majority wanted my take on the article making the rounds today having to do with the body bias, basically fat vs thin, towards contestants on American Idol.
The upshot of the article is simple: Skinny, good looking people last longer on the show and are welcomed into the pop music fold with open arms if they are aesthetically pleasing. That no one wants to see Mandisa shaking it on MTV, but would camp outside TRL's studios overnight to be in the same city block as Pickles.
I'm not sure if those of you who emailed were expecting me to contradict this accusation that society is one big Shallow Hal, but if you were, it's not happening.
Human beings are shallow, we do turn our heads to check out the fine flesh that just walked by, and we keep a billion dollar diet industry in business with our endless quest to attain some absurd perfection and be one of the "beautiful people".
Don't the names Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton ring a bell? Their fame is derived from one thing only: they are nice to look at. There are no stellar intellects lurking under their dyed blonde manes. But their body fat percentage is in the single digits.
But what about Rubenesque Studdard, you ask? He won the AI title! Yes, yes he did, but in the grand scheme of fame, he has won little else since then. That doesn't mean Ruben can't sing, of course he can. It does, however, mean he has a face and body made for radio. He may sing the pants off a love song, but watching his unhealthy girth get jiggy with a popsicle stick of a woman in a video is just off putting.
Even Egghead will eventually fall victim to his less than pleasing physicality. The whole "sexy boy" jokes are going to wear thin.
By the same token, why do you think Pickles and Beanie Baby will be around for weeks to come? They both sucked the air out of a good lung last night, and are by no means the strongest singers or performers this season, but they are eye candy. And our retinas are addicted to that kind of sugar.
Basically, milleniums of technological progress, and the ability to text message our adoration, will never wipe out our baser emotional instincts.
Do I think this is right? Do I think this is fair? Do I think it is impossible to fight against this bias? No, no, and no. Of course I don't think it's right to discriminate against, or simply discount, someone because they are large, but I also don't think we are helpless in the act.
Use this AI season to vote for talent, regardless of the packaging. If Pickles stinks one night and Mandisa blows the roof off, VOTE FOR MANDISA. If Ace hits every note but the ones actually in the song, and Bucky drives home a solid performance, VOTE FOR BUCKY. If Smurfette dresses like the Church Lady, but hits a homerun vocal, VOTE FOR HER.
Fat, thin, ugly, hot - it shouldn't matter. So don't let it.
(This ends the public service announcement portion of our program. We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.)
Now, onto tonight's results recap...
As the show opened, the Idols were gathered under the dramatic lights like some film noir police line-up. They always say, "don't do the crime if you can't do the time", but tonight, whose singing crime would mark the end of their Idol time?
Would it be Part-time Lover/Full-time Stud Egghead Diddy? Or Deep Throat McGhee who looked great, but missed that tiny detail of actually knowing the song lyrics? Maybe America would have been thoroughly turned off by Stepford Pickles and her fake eyelashes. Or perhaps Buckilocks' golden hair would prove less pleasing than a bowl of cold porridge?
32 1/2 million votes would tell the tale.
A quick intro of the judges: Randy, who continues to buy into the whole "vertical stripes make you look thin" thing; Paula dressed in hair by Zsa Zsa and cleavage by Wonderbra; and what's this?!?! Simon in a white dress shirt and chest hair?!?!
A quick video recap of last night's show, made even quicker thanks to my TiVo remote and off we went to the first $5 million commercial break, only to come right back into the first Ford Fusion spot (aka: exploitative contestant ankle grabber). I HATE THESE. WITH A PASSION. These spots reinforce for me that somewhere, in all the mountains of contracts these kids have to sign to compete, there is a clause that reads: "The contestant, also known as Schmuck, hereby sells his/her soul to the devil, also known as the Ford Motor Company. Schmuck agrees to embarrass, humiliate, and otherwise debase him/herself each week so that the Devil can sell more cars and become wealthier."
And this spot was a beaut. Ahhh, there was Chris, strumming a guitar next to a plastic fire and a Ford Fusion, singing All I Want (you could see that all he wanted was to throw himself on the plastic flames). He was joined by the other Idols as they popped out from behind trees, bushes, the Fusion... And then what I surmise was suppose to be Big Foot, but who looked like a Yeti version of Simon, joined the gang around the plastiflames, only to be busted by Ranger McPhee. But then, the Yeti removed his head and it was Ace, making everything all better.
And somehow, this is supposed to make me rush out and buy a new car? A bottle of Mylanta maybe, but a car?
As penance for enduring the Ford Farce, we were all rewarded with Stevie Wonder singing live. Now Stevie may not be everyone's personal cup of tea when it comes to music (I don't own a single album, 8 Track, cassette or CD of his), but sitting alone on stage with his keyboard, it is evident why the man is a musical icon (although not so evident if you are a 12 year old who has never heard of him and simply wants the show to get moving to the results). He still has a passion for his music and a subtle command of the audience. It was a rare moment when Idol truly showcased amazing talent. (Although, let's be honest, the main thrust of his appearance was that Idol gets bragging rights and Stevie gets CD promotion.)
A quick Thank You to Stevie and the lights were dimmed to play Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Wait, sorry...the lights were dimmed, but it was to fish out the bottom three vote getters.
Beanie Baby and Egghead were on the chopping block first. And no one was as shocked as Ace when the axe cut him off the couch and to the middle of the stage with Ryan. OK, ok, maybe Egghead was a tad shocked too - but COME ON PEOPLE - his ego is already overinflated enough, can you imagine how insufferable he is going to be by besting Ace?
Poor Ace stood there with a look on his face that said, "But wait! I'm HOT, remember?" (Quite frankly, given my lecture above, I was proud of you people for sending the wake-up call to Mr. Beautiful that he'd better bring more than his hair and broad shoulders. But that being said, EGGHEAD HAS TO GO!!)
AFTER. THE. BREAK, Ryan worked through the Couches of Carnage fairly quickly:
Smurfette, who looked like Diana Ross, circa The Supremes, Pickles, Mr. Soul Patrol, and Chris - all SAFE.
Out of Elliott and Mellissa <SHOCK> Deep Throat was in the bottom three. She knew. I could tell by the way she dressed, she knew. Decked out in Paula's hair and a sparkly black and psychedelic halter top, she was making the most of her last moment in the spotlight.
Mandisa, wearing King Tut's burial collar, was SAFE, as was Cheekbones McPhee.
That left Lisa T and Buckilocks (who had resurrected his unkempt ponytail this evening). Bucky was SAFE, Lisa T hit center stage...in a bad way.
One more break and then Ryan sent Ace back to the safety of the couch cushions. He was so relieved, he actually bowed to the audience, either that or he almost passed out...
Mercifully, Ryan made it quick ; Lisa SAFE, Deep Throat UNSAFE.
By her own admission, she was not surprised at the verdict. And let's be honest, no one else was either. It just makes me wish Gedeon or Ayla had hung around - they would not have made the huge misstep of being underprepared the way Deep Throat had.
A quick video of her "journey" and then she was given the mike to sing one last time...for ten seconds. That's all she got out of her mouth before the show was over and Fox's new sitcom, The Loop, came on.
But then that's how it is in the real world. One day you're in, the next day you're out. Wait, sorry, that's how it is on Project Runway....but you know what I mean.
That's it for this week kids. I'll catch you back here Tuesday night when the FINAL ELEVEN (that just sounds stupid) compete again. And remember: Fat, thin, ugly, hot - it doesn't matter.
As long as we vote Egghead out, that is.
americans....it's amusing to see what they think about things like american idol, I can't vote since i don't live there, but it's pretty harsh how some people can get about it, and suprising how others vote. I mean really, what has so-and-so ever done to any of you? Yeah, there's allways going to be poeple who's singing I can't stand, but seriously, why make a big deal out of it? I only make a stink about my FAVORATES. ~sigh~ I guess Americans just have different taste than us, my whole family is in love with Kellie. But then again, Kevin is STILL there in place of someone who can accually sing, well, 3 or 4 people who should have made it farther than him but didn't. But I don't HATE him, i'm sure he's accually a very nice person, I just don't really see him with the vocals to be an anerican idol. Oh well, go Kellie! and PLEASE girl, sing better next week, like you did in the other weeks.
Posted by: | Sunday, March 19, 2006 at 06:28 PM
Linda - a question for you and your readers. My husband believes that "Kelly Mae Clampett" (Pickles) is putting on an act; working the "dumb-hick-blonde" angle for all it's worth and doing so on purpose. I, however, believe that Pickles really and truly IS that frigging stupid and naive, and that FOX is just milking it to the max for ratings and interest. Do you (and your readers) think Pickles Clampett is honestly thick as a brick, or do you think the wily-little-minx is playing America for fools?
Posted by: Lori in Texas | Sunday, March 19, 2006 at 11:06 AM
May I suggest that "CAPS" never submit a comment again?
Posted by: Briguy | Friday, March 17, 2006 at 01:42 AM
I must admit I was sure K-stud was going to be in the bottom 3 along with deep throat and pickles. I was suprised to see 2 out of the three in there but like many have said that is the power of 13 year olds. I do hope that pickles and k-stud are next...and honestly Anthony (who my fiance says looks amish but I think he resembles Adam Sandler in some scary way) and soon Bucky will be next. I like Bucky...but he isn't one of the best. I personaly love Mcfever and Hicks the best......but we all know The Soul Patrol Leader won't win. Anyways, I love you blog, and I will continue to read it till the show is over. You always crack me up to the point of tears rolling down my cheeks and I am folding over having to keep myself from peeing in my pants. Anyways, keep up the good work!
Posted by: Brianstexanprincess | Thursday, March 16, 2006 at 01:54 PM
The caps made that such a joy to read. So much so, I bailed about two sentances into that long rambling.
-Concerned prick.
Posted by: tripaway2day | Thursday, March 16, 2006 at 12:39 PM
I READ YOUR RECAP, AS I ALWAYS DO, AND LOVED IT, AS I ALWAYS DO. AND HERE IS MY TAKE ON THE WHOLE THING...KEVIN IS JOKE, JUST LIKE SCOTT WASW A JOKE LAST YEAR. AND THERE HAVE BEEN OTHERS IN YEARS PRIOR TO THAT. THAT BEING SAID, I THINK ALOT OF PEOPLE COMPLAIN ABOUT THE RESULTS THAT DO NOT VOTE. I KNOW PLENTY OF PEOPLE THAT DIDN'T VOTE FOR DURING ELECTIONS, BUT STAND THERE AND SAY THEY HATE THE PREZ. I THINK THAT PEOPLE JUST ASSUMED THAT ACE WOULD BE SAFE, AND CONSINTRATED ON THE FACT THAT MAYBE SOME OTHERS WOULD NOT. DO NOT EVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF A 13YR OLD WITH A CELL PHONE, THE OUTCOME CAN BE DOWN RIGHT SCARY, AS YOU HAVE SEEN. IN MY PERSONAL OPINION NO 13 YEAR OLD NEEDS A CELL PHONE TO BEGIN WITH, BUT HEY FAMILY COMMUNICATION ISN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE ANYMORE EITHER. BEFORE THESE LITTLE KIDDIES GO SHUFFLING OFF TO BED, TAKE THERE PHONE IN PUT IT IN THERE BACKPACK ( HOW WIERD DOES THAT SOUND) LET THEM VOTE A FEW TIMES, LET'S FACE IT YOUR THE ONE THAT WILL HAVE TO TAKE THEM TO THE CONCERT, THEY CAN'T DRIVE. YOUR THE ONE THAT IS GOING TO HAVE TO LOOK AT THE SEXY EGGHEAD DIDDY WALLPAPER COMPLIMENTS OF TEENBEAT FOR ALL OF ETERNITY, AND YOU ARE THE ONE THAT IS GOING TO HAVE EGGHEAD BLASTING OUT OF YOUR STEREO IN THE CARPOOL LANE AT SCHOOL, WHICH COULD BE HIGHLY EMBARRISING IF YOUR KID IS THE ONE OR TWO KIDS ON THE PLANET THAT LIKES THIS LITTLE DOUCHE BAG. IT WILL BE A TRAVERSTY FOR YOU AS A PARENT IF YOU ALLOW SUCH THINGS TO HAPPEN, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD, AND YOU CHILD WELL BEING ( LET'S FACE IT, IF THEY LIKE EGGHEAD THERE BOUND TO GET BEAT UP SOONER OR LATER) TAKE THE CELL PHONE AWAY AFTER NEXT WEEKS IDOL.
THANK YOU
CONCERNED ADULT!!!!
Posted by: TONIE | Thursday, March 16, 2006 at 11:07 AM
Um I thought this night was once again soooo dull. The Ford commercial was simply humiliating and disappointing. As far as Stevie Wonder performing...hmmm...why is it that even his new stuff sounds so out of date? I personally found him to be quite boring. I couldn't understand one word he sang. Yes he's an apparent icon, but he needs to give it up. All those drugs he did in his younger years and catching up to him. How can Egghead sit there and be ok with others who clearly he knows sing better than him being sent to the bottom three? If that were me, and I had won, I would have never felt that was a truly honest win. He needs to go and fast. I'm not wasting weeks to watch him be a retard. His schtick is old and it's irritating. Give it up you little dweeb-it!
Posted by: Briguy | Thursday, March 16, 2006 at 03:38 AM
okay, my immidiate reaction: "What the HELL?" oh god how I hate those people at VoteForTheWorst.com. Not only do they not know who the worst IS (or else Brenna, and several other people, would still be here screaching, crooning, and coco cabanna-ing), they seem to have the power to KEEP Kevin in the competition. I wasn't incredibly suprised, i knew that Melissa, nomatter if i liked her or not, would be in the first 3 to get the kick (though i didn't accually think she would be FIRST), but come on people, can't you atelast put Kevin into the bottom 3? He can't even sing that well! Anyways, the Pickled Minx was safe, so that's good, I just hope she does better on the performance next week, same goes to Ace. I mean, like, rock out a little Ace! Lisa in the bottom 2? wow...I thought that was her best performance so far. Hmm...I wonder what next weeks theme is going to be?
Posted by: serinity | Thursday, March 16, 2006 at 01:50 AM
Brilliant recap, as always. And fun-nay! Thanks for acknowledging the power of Votefortheworst.com. They make a difference, and despite their demented, lunar pull on this competition, I like their site the way I like the Flying Spaghetti Monster and his band of Pastafarians.
The gang at work gathers 'round my cubicle wall every Wednesday morning and stares at the contestant printouts we've pinned up. We all stick our colored pushpin on the candidate most likely to die a horrible public death. A lively debate ensues.
My process involves keeping one eye on the performance, and the other on what Red State America is going to vote for. Red State America is rarely wrong. They LOVE Taylor, country singers, and non-threatening women, which is precisely why the gorgeous Becky and Heather, and the grating Brenna were promptly removed. Pickles is safe until Wal*Merica tires of her act.
Which is why Katharine is going to win this whole thing. She's not just pretty - she's someone that guys AND girls find pretty. It's sort of a Gail O'Grady / "Let's go to Aunt Josephine's for pie" kind of face.
I correctly predicted the demise of Gravels McGhee today. But do not despair: Egghead falls in 2 more weeks.
Posted by: sitboaf | Wednesday, March 15, 2006 at 11:58 PM