When they announced, at the end of last week's results show, that the FINAL TWELVE contestants (allow me to digress a moment...Why is there such a big hype made about the FINAL TWELVE, when in reality, only the FINAL TEN get to go on the American Idol tour, and only the FINAL TWO have a shot at a million dollar contract, with only the FINAL ONE getting the big airtime and promotional push? Just curious.) would be performing the songs of Stevie Wonder this week, I admit I groaned.
Stevie Wonder tunes.
The most played out, oversung, stylized songbook in history. How, I wondered, would someone like Egghead Diddy ever be able to wrestle one of these songs into submission, much less make it his own?
Then I thought, maybe that's a good thing. Perhaps, just perhaps, he would choose something like Sir Duke or Jungle Fever, yanking us out of the Land of La La and making it painfully obvious to 30 million viewers that it is time we all Just Called To Say I Love You But Go Home.
Sadly, with E. Diddy having been taken under the wing of VoteForTheWorst.com (along with Space Cadet Pickles), I fear he could opt to sing Stevie's The Secret Life of Plants and still be with us, a la Scott Savol, almost to the FINAL FOUR (which doesn't mean anything either unless you are talking college basketball).
After all, they now have stylists for hair, make-up, clothing, etc, to help guide and shape them for each performance...and maybe they have discovered some soul in Egghead that we just didn't know exists.
But onto the recap of tonight's Wonderpalooza...
After learning of the new TV Guide Channel "precap" of American Idol, hosted by past Idol wannabe Kimberly Caldwell and Popstars alum Rosanna Tavarez, I decided I owed it to the recap to check it out. You know, some people just cannot get enough of American Idol, but after watching for fifteen minutes (most of which was spent trying to figure out Kim's weedwacked hairdo) and the biggest revelation being that one of the AI hairstylists really wants to dye Melissa McGhee's hair DARKER, I discovered I am not one of those people.
The show opened as Ryan warned us that with the girls and boys thrown together, we are now at the point where there's not only "a whole new stage", but "a whole new level of pressure".
Oooo...Boys AND girls together!?!? Groundbreaking television!
Yes, yes, yes - the show is now being broadcast from the Caberet Lounge of the QE2. Well, you would think that, judging from the lights (1,000!!!), stage size (ginormous!!!), bigger band (horns and everything!), and bigger crowd (stadium seating!).
All this set design gushing moved us into a "Boo Hoo Victory Video Montage", aka filler crap, used as an excuse to make this show two hours tonight. And me stuck watching it in real time - I couldn't fast forward. This was when I hit the pause button, fed the dog, answered some of your email, put on my pajamas, and read the dictionary.
That bought me enough fast forward time to last the rest of the show.
Ryan introduced the AI contestants, all of them looking slightly more polished than in past weeks thanks to the helping hands and hot oil treatments of the show's team of stylists. Although Smurfette looked like a cupcake and I swear Bucky had used hot rollers...
A quick intro of the judges and then we were treated to a video on the career of music guru, Stevie Wonder. That I sat through. The man is a musical jewel, with 24 Grammy awards and a Best Song Oscar, and he continues to churn out music that pleases the ear and soothes the soul.
The snippet of him showing up to meet the Idols was heartwarming, even though most of these kids were not even born when Ebony & Ivory came out. A few choked up and Elliott damn near had a stroke.
First up tonight was Beanie Baby Ace, singing Do I Do. I do, I do believe I said something like, "Dear God, No". And then he began to sing, and I knew that's what I said. This is why I initially groaned at Stevie Wonder night. His songs are so highly stylized vocally that it is impossible for anybody else but Stevie to sing them and not sound like crap. Ace looked good in his jeans, tennies and black Henley, but that's all he had going for him. Between a bad song choice and severe stage fright, it was almost painful to watch. Randy and Simon thought it was not good. Paula, however, couldn't actually hear the song through her twenty pounds of hair and thought he did great.
After a $5 million commercial break (there were TEN, I counted), we came back to Pickles, admitting for the cameras that she is "not that familiar with Stevie Wonder music". Don't feel bad Stevie, we'll just add you to the growing list along with spinach salads, caaaaalamari, and mink. When Stevie joked that he thought, by her accent, that she was from England, and she said, completely serious, "Really?", it totally confirmed for me that I have not been wrong in my assessment of her: Box of hammers. Bag of hair. Not the brightest crayon in the box. Whatever pretty way you want to say it, the bottom line is that Pickles is as dim as a ten watt light bulb.
Her last words in the video, "I have no idea what I'm doing" were fairly prophetic.
Choosing to sing Blame It On The Sun, Pickles walked onto the stage dressed as Pamela Anderson in a strapless black dress, Heather Cox's tarantulashes, wavy locks and Frederick's of Hollywood pumps. I gagged to discover that I prefer the old Pickle with straight hair and blue jeans.
Her voice was shaky, she had zero connection to the lyrics and looked like she was completely lost most of the time she was singing. It was horrendous, and piled on top of Beanie Baby's painful opening, I began to Wonder if Stevie was listening and contemplating yanking his songbook from AI. The judges all agreed with Simon that it was her worst performance so far. And I'm sorry, but it was not helped by the ignorant banter with Ryan about her shoes and eyelashes. Next!
Elliott, who "majorly impressed" Stevie during rehearsals, took the stage to sing Knocks Me Off My Feet. Looking stylized himself in his white blazer, jeans and blue dress shirt, he seemed comfortable enough, but the song really started low and slow, and segued to iffy in the middle. But then he seemed to connect with the song and it ended really well. Randy thought it was good, Paula just thought it was great how he" wasn't afraid to show Stevie how moved" he was in rehearsals. (Psst, Paula...Stevie is blind). Simon called it the "best so far", but that it wasn't incredible.
Another bazillion dollar commercial heist and we were back to Mandisa and Ryan sitting on the chit chat stools. My girl looked beautiful with her hair pulled back, wearing a classy black dress, but then she complained about her feet hurting. The camera panned down to reveal her poor peds crammed like sausage into ridiculous heels. No problemo - Ryan took them off and she no longer had a thing to worry about as she performed Don't You Worry About A Thing, barefoot. The song started a little low, making it hard to understand, but then suddenly Mandisa ripped it wide open and blew the roof off, dancing around to the point she was covered in sweat a la Ruben Studdard. Simon summed it up with "Now we have a competition." Barefoot Mandisa - you rock.
AFTER. THE. BREAK we returned to Bucky singing Superstition in a denim shirt, jeans, boots and Courtney Love's hair. My God, it was so bouncy and wavy, he looked like a woman with a mustache. Somehow I think that after tonight, Bucky will buck the tradition of letting the stylists do whatever they want. As for the song, I found myself really enjoying his performance. He was comfortable and it showed, although his signature "take a dump on the stage" dance move needs some work. All three judges enjoyed the performance, but Simon urged him to kill the hairdon't.
Next up was Deep Throat McGhee, her voice made even deeper this evening by a bit of a sore throat. The stylists finally got one right - she looked amazing. Kelly Clarkson highlights in her hair, gorgeous make-up and a black, sequined halter dress with heels, completely transformed the girl who last week looked like a drag queen. She sang Lately, a nice ballad, but it was evident she was really trying to work with her weakened voice, feeling her way through the song. Then she went and blew some lyrics, but managed to end very strong and remind everyone why she has made it this far. Her voice, that raspy quality, is so different from anyone else in this competition - well, aside from Chris. Simon was right - despite the lyric snafu and sore throat, it was her best performance so far.
Another break and Lisa T was ready to take the stage to sing the upbeat Signed, Sealed, Delivered. The stylists had worked some magic on Lisa too, outfitting her in jeans, heels, a long tee, leather shrug and 80's power belt. Plus they straightened her hair, which only served to highlight her amazing smile. She sang with more life, energy and youth than in all the previous weeks combined, working the stage and making the song her own (damn you cliches!). Randy thought her runs at the end were "hot" (a compliment I guess, unless you're talking about the morning after too many burritos and beer), Paula said she "took chances" and Simon said it was great and he loved it.
Five million more dollars and we returned to Egghead sharing the chit chat stools with Ryan. And awwwwwww, they let two little girls come up on stage to give him a poster and get hugged by the Sexiest Man Alive (are you listening People Magazine?). Ick. As they played his Stevie encounter video and he announced his song choice of Part-time Lover, I screamed, Nooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!! He then said it was in keeping with his sex symbol image (my god, he can't really buy this garbage, can he?) and that he was going to "put a little sexy feel into it". I threw up in my mouth a little at that. This embryonic boy has never even been a nanosecond lover, let alone a Part Time one.
Taking the stage in striped dress pants, a tshirt and buttoned up floral shirt, he looked every inch the stud, didn't he? And the make-up. He had enough pancake on his face to serve the breakfast rush at IHOP.
Fine. He had energy. Fine. He committed to the song. But when he started in with the C3PO hand moves, I had to look away. It was a trainwreck. Randy and Paula, both apparently working their way into heaven, can't say anything to hurt his feelings, but Simon nailed it with one word, "Appalling." That Egghead responded with, "I wasn't expecting much from you anyway."? Well, I hope he's not expecting much in the way of votes - I don't know that VoteForTheWorst.com can even help him much longer.
Up next was Cheekbones McPhee, dressed in a cleavage enhancing nightgown and heels. It may interest you to know that second only to "Kellie Pickle Nude Photos" in Googling, is "Katharine McPhee Breasts". Singing Till You Come Back To Me, Cheekbones owned the stage. She has the most effortless voice in the bunch and the girl is beautiful to boot, even in a nightgown and heels. Randy bestowed the only "We got a hot one tonight", Paula babbled something about "piercing hearts", and Simon compared her to Kelly Clarkson.
Finally, finally, finally - silver fox Taylor Hicks took the stage, looking sleek and slim in a suit and white shirt, to sing Livin' In The City. He was awesome - a consummate performer. In fact, he needed that bigger stage - working it from side to side, dancing around, arching his back like spawning salmon. I could care less that he is not the best technical vocalist this season - he makes me smile each and every time he is on stage. Taylor Hicks is the kind of infectious that's good to spread around. The judges loved him, even Simon who compared him to "every Dad who's ever gotten drunk at a wedding...but you can sing." Go Soul Patrol.
The next one up was Smurfette, first in her Stevie video looking like a deranged Cocker Spaniel with those ridiculous rag mop hair extensions, then bouncing out on stage to sing All I Do. It was readily apparent that young Smurfette donated her stylist time to Bucky's wave job, as she looked as hideously jumbled as ever. Wearing a jean skirt, too high heels, a pink lace blouse, hot pink jacket and an entire Claire's store worth of cheap jewelry, she looked like an old woman going to church (you know, that old biddy in Sanford & Son that was always harassing Red Foxx). She had also peeled her hair extensions off, sporting a 'do that made her look like the church treasurer. I swear, the kid can sing, but visually she is a mess.
Her voice was really strong tonight, and aside from a bad case of Elmer's Glue tongue, the performance was good too, but it only reinforces what I've said before - if that child can sing with a voice as big as King Kong, she certainly does not have to speak with the voice of a Smurf.
The judges all loved her, let's just hope the stylists can start beating her into submission next week.
Last up was everyone's favorite rocker, Chris Daughtry, who found the perfect Stevie song in Higher Ground. It mattered not whether you knew the song, it belonged to Chris and no one else. He ran onto the stage and it is now official, mike stand Matilda has a new dance partner. He waltzed her everywhere tonight and looked completely natural while doing it. Dressed in jeans, a striped shirt and with his head shinier than ever (seriously - cut back on the heavy make-up, guys...), Chris even rated special effects, as smoke poured from the ceilings for his performance. But it was merited because he was hot. The judges all loved how he made the song his own and Simon summed up what America feels, "Thank God for Chris."
So that's it for Wonderpalooza. Well, not actually, as the kids get to sing with him tomorrow night...but that's it for tonight.
Hard to say who will be Overjoyed tomorrow night and who will look back on tonight's voting as a Tuesday Heartbreak, who will Go Home and who will Take Up A Course In Happiness, who will be Cryin' Through The Night and who will be having an Easy Goin' Evening....ok, ok, I'll stop with the Stevie songs.
Just know that if Egghead Diddy gets sent packing, I'll be Happier Than The Morning Sun. And if he doesn't? Well, Heaven Help Us All...
To quote Sandra Bernhard:
"A picture Norman Rockwell forgot to paint."
Thank you, Linda! Mad Photoshop skills!
Posted by: tripaway2day | Thursday, March 16, 2006 at 12:42 PM
Hey Linda! I got a chance to read your review. I have to say, I just didn't pay much attention to last night's performances. Every time they have done Steve in the past, half of them sounded like crap so I didnt hold high hopes. Out of the entire 12, I think Katherine impressed me most, which is hard as I am a huge Mandisa fan. Kellie Pickler failed miserably for the first time, but I would rather see Bucky or Egghead go home over her. Speaking of Egghead, is it possible that he is simply playing up all this sex symbol stuff to make the old ladies that are voting for him, laugh? It's just all to cutesy for me. Watching him...or better yet...listening to him sing "Part-Time Lover" made me think of the sound of a bee with a stuttering problem.
Who will go home tonight? My prediction is for Egghead, Melissa, or Bucky.
Posted by: Briguy | Wednesday, March 15, 2006 at 04:05 PM