One of the things I like best about American Idol is its incredible power to bring people together. From families gathered around the television, to coworkers gathered around the water cooler, to peer discussions on the playground, the show has become a pop culture common denominator - something to which we can all relate.
I love receiving your emails about office betting pools, stories of twelve year olds who secretly stay up past their bedtimes, hiding beneath their covers and redialing for hours on their cell phones, tales of heated discussions between soccer moms in the carpool lines, and confessions from grandmothers whose pacemakers go pitty pat when Ace in on the stage.
But for the past several weeks, since dubbing Will Makar "Fred Savage" in my recaps, a heated debate has raged inside my inbox. Apparently there are a great many of you who just cannot see the resemblance, insisting instead that he is the reincarnation of Peter Brady.
I, do not see that.
Tonight, after exhaustive Googling, and cutting, and pasting, I feel the need to settle this issue once and for all...(in my favor, of course)...
Now, tell me I'm wrong, Marcia, and I'll throw a football at your nose
Onto the show...
As the camera panned past the faces of the contestants, they stood in a classic "deer-in-the-headlights" assembly. Ryan, working his inner Soprano this evening in a black suit and eggplant shirt and tie, warned that four of them would end up swimmin wit de fishes by night's end.
He then pointed to the empty chairs that resembled a space age egg carton. They would be filled by voters, well, not literally "filled by voters" - there was certainly not enough room for 30 million redial happy lemmings over there - but rather our 46 million votes would help fill the seats.
A video recap of the past two nights, cut down to 10 seconds by the magic of my TiVo remote, and then a miracle occurred. Just as I was beginning to twitch uncontrollably, just as my left eye was starting to water, and just as my hemmorhoids began to flare up in reaction to what I thought would be THE GROUP SONG, the clouds parted and out he walked.
Bo Bice.
My afflictions disappeared and a smile returned to my face as I basked in the glow of his V05 hair. My god it was shiny. A little small talk with Ryan about his new baby boy (I imagine Bo's style of singing redefines Rock-a-bye baby?) and then he commanded the stage as he performed his hit single The Real Thing. Comfy as ever, rocking out, he reunited with Mike Stand Matilda and proceeded to waltz her all across the stage. Tell me, who else do you know that can twirl a mike stand and make it look cool, not contrived? I mean, can Egghead even pick up the mike stand?
Anyway, Bo was the perfect example of why Taylor is going to cruise through this competition. They both are completely happy when they are performing - and you know darned well that their smiles are contagious. Heck, I was smiling so big, for so long, my teeth actually stuck to my lips.
AFTER. THE. BREAK, the girls were assembled on the Couches of Cruelty as Ryan began to narrow it down to the lady with the lowest votes.
Lisa T was quickly deemed SAFE, as was Melissa, who was wearing Paula's extra hair tonight. Ayla breathed a sigh of relief as she was told she was SAFE as well. Then there was Kinnik - and all I could think of was Nadia Turner the night she was voted off. Like Nadia, Kinnik seemed to know it was coming and dressed for her final turn in the spotlight. While everyone else chilled in jeans and tank tops, Kinnik looked stunning in a gorgeous dress and power stilettos. Thankfully, Ryan ripped the bandaid off quickly, basically stating, "Kinnik, go home."
I have to say, she acted as beautifully as she was was attired. She was humble, thankful, gracious and positive, even in the face of Randy's tired line "Keep believing in yourself." She took the stage against a Spirograph screensaver and sang one last time. Pure grace.
Another break brought us back to the guys awaiting the verdict on the Death Row Divans. Ryan quickly went through Egghead, Gedeon, Bucky and Elliott - all SAFE...for now.
He then got to Fred S, who had that look of terror usually reserved for the girls in horror movies who know there's something with teeth, a hockey mask, and a machete behind the closed door, but open it anyway. Sadly, Frederick was going home. As he stood next to Ryan, I must admit, that while I will go to my grave insisting he looks like The Wonder Years, that was certainly one mean Brady Bunch era shirt he was working tonight. Flowers, were they?
Then Ryan did what he does so well - he turned the knife - asking tacky questions meant to increase the emotions already drowning the contestant: "How does it feel to come so far? How much does this suck the air out of a good lung? You must be pretty disappointed, huh?" Wow, not at all Ryan. I actually had hoped I would get sent back to obscurity hell tonight. I"ve missed my minimum wage job and these spotlights are making my hair get split ends
Freddie managed to compose himself, thanked the crowd and then sang one last time.
After more commercials (seriously, how many private villas in France do these producers need anyway?), the girls were reassembled on the couches, ready to begin filling the American Idol Egg Carton.
First up - Smurfette, dressed for an 80s prom with two rag mops glued to her head. Seriously, she needs to be in the final 12 if only to have a stylist grab her helium filled head and teach her how to dress. Well, she'll get that chance - she's SAFE.
Then a triumverate of S, S, S, S, A, A, A, A, F, F, F, F, E, E, E, E, T, T, T, T, Y, Y, Y, Y Dances followed as Cheekbones McPhee, Pickled Minx, and Mandisa (channeling her inner pimp this evening - work that hat) all grooved across the neon Cheerio to the cosmic egg crate, leaving Ayla - The Jolly Teen Giant and Deep Throat McGhee to sweat it out through another commercial break.
Again, props to Ryan and the producers for making it fairly quick and vomit free for the girls - Deep Throat was SAFE, meaning JTG had to leave.
I must pause here to comment on her reaction. I have watched this show for years and I don't think I have ever seen such a genuine show of emotion in that moment. Contestants generally fake their way through, say the right things, and somehow manage to keep the tears in check till the cameras are done rolling. I have always marveled at that, but tonight, as Ayla's emotional dam broke and her tears flowed, I believe I was more impressed with her honesty.
The judges, of course, offered a box of cliche Kleenex, "You're a star.", "Keep workin' at it.", and "You're a winner", none of which meant a thing. No matter, you could practically feel America hugging the poor girl as she attempted to sing one last time with an bowling ball of sadness in her throat.
Ayla will be just fine. Her life is a study in focus and achievement - couple that with a fresh faced beauty, and she will go far.
Another break and the guys were back to face the dirge-like music. Obviously running low on time, Ryan rushed through the first four: Taylor, SAFE; Beanie Baby, SAFE (collective DUH please for both); Chris, SAFE; and then Egghead?!? I honestly think he was more surprised than the 30 million or so people at home who all went, What the...!?!?!
Next was Elliott, only first we had to endure Ryan recognizing Thing 1 and Thing 2 (aren't they breaking their parole by traveling out of state?) dressed like Sta-Puf marshmallows in the audience. Poor Elliott, traumatized by their divadom during Hollywood week, had a What-fresh-hell-is-this? look all over his face.
No matter, he was SAFE and the Thing Twins can go back to jail.
This left Bucky (nervous) and Gedeon (smug) on the stage with Ryan. Simon guessed that Gedeon would move into the final 12, but as it turns out, he'll only be moving on down the line, as Bucky was the one sent to safety. And just as no one was more surprised by his making it than Egghead, no one was more surprised by his not making it than Gedeon.
He managed to pull it together and left on a positive note, stating, "This is not the end, just the beginning." And as he sang, I believe he is correct. If he is this good at 17, just think how much better he will be when he gets a few years of humility under his belt. Like Ayla, he will do well.
A video recap of the ejects, one big group hug, and Ryan bid us adieu till next Tuesday when the final 12 will commit vocal sacrilege against the works of Stevie Wonder. (Dear God, how many times do we have to be subjected to Ribbon In The Sky and Sunshine of my Life before the producers use some of that commercial booty to spring for some new song rights?)
That's it for this week, kids. I believe out of tonight's 4 ousters, I will truly miss Fred the most. But since I am a benevolent soul, and I know that many of you will be missing Peter Brady, I'll leave you with this special photo.
Now, you'll have to excuse. I'm suddenly craving some "pork chops and appleshauce, shweetheart."
Well, maybe it's best Will is gone. The Peter Brady/Fred Savage feud was ripping apart our friendship in a horrible and traumatic way.
Of course, you know I'm right.
Thanks for the laughs and the pics!
Posted by: Debby G. | Monday, March 13, 2006 at 12:19 AM
oh god NO!!! No more Stevie Wonder balads! Nothing against him, of course, but theres only SO many times you can see yet another contestant sing a traditional "idol balad".
The ending with Gideon getting elimiated was VERY surprising, I thought for SURE that kevin would go. The girls was predictable, i knew it would be Kinnik first and then down to between Melissa and Ayla.
Posted by: serinity | Friday, March 10, 2006 at 06:21 PM
That's it! That you not only found that picture of Peter but remembered the pork chops and appleschauce line that went with it, makes you my new hero. Your writing totally rocks and you have moved to the top of my favorites list!
Posted by: Tom Karger | Friday, March 10, 2006 at 01:19 PM