Well, as last night's "true confessions" videos yielded little in the way of contestant information we really gave a rat's patoot about, I certainly did not hold out much hope for Boys' Night revelations. I mean when the highlight of the female trivia included the word "chitlins", you know this is a pretty boring bunch.
That being said, I thought I'd share a couple nuggets of information with you about your favorite male contestants, just in case tonight's highlight is that Bucky likes Cocoa Puffs.
1. You people Google it incessantly - "Ace Young Girlfriend?" and the answer is YES, he has one. In fact, he has had the same one for over a year and a half.
I'll pause while you decide whether life is worth living anymore...
Still with me? Good. She is Essence Atkins, actress on the UPN's Half & Half, a show on which he has actually appeared while singing. And she would like everyone to know that not only is Ace a great kisser (come on, he could kiss like pig in slop and you people wouldn't care) but that he has a heart of gold as well. She says that every Christmas, he and his four brothers go to area Denver hospitals and sing carols to the sick children. Seriously, can this guy be any more perfect?
2. Taylor, on the other hand, is still single and searching, according to his bandmates. But then, I would imagine his twitching and involuntary spasms make it pretty hard for any girl to hold on, much less get close to him. No matter, he gets plenty of hugs ... from himself.
3. Kevin Covais' continued inclusion in the finals is actually an elaborately staged episode of Punk'd.
OK, ok, maybe I made that last one up...but then again...
On to the recap...
Ryan, looking uncharacteristically dapper in a navy suit and tie, welcomed us to the night when "the guys must leave it all on this stage". I momentarily thought, "Oh goodie! Strippers!", but then an image of Egghead in a gold lame' thong ripped a hole in my mind's eye and I damn near passed out.
As the guys were Introduced, did anyone else notice the disparity between how they dress for competition vs how the girls dress? The girls doll up, Wonderbra, sparkle, and two sided tape themselves into the tiniest, body baring pieces of fabric possible, and the guys look like they just woke up ten minutes ago and went "Damn! What's mostly clean?"
A quick hello to the judges revealed Randy wearing a cross necklace that was big enough to be a clue in The Da Vinci Code. Paula was decked out in her traditional Wednesday night cleavage, only this time it was highlighted with a fake flower the size of her head. And Simon was swathed in an eye catching combo of arrogance and conceit.
Up first with his startling revelation was Gedeon, who revealed he loves to paint. He then proceeded to explain one of his works (A. Record. Album. That. Is. Also. The. World.) as if he were teaching a class of mentally challenged children. Seriously, he must have studied at the George Bush School of Oral Presentation. Taking the stage to sing When A Man Loves A Woman, he looked great in his black suit, hot pink shirt, and matching hair spotlight. Now, while the vocals were not exactly the most demanding we've heard from him, I have to give him this: I completely forget he is a teenager when he performs. There is a confidence on stage that is enjoyable to watch. Randy lauded his "old soul", Paula called him "unique", and Simon summed it up with, "You are quite odd." I agree, he is good, maybe a bit theatrical, but like mold on old cheese, he is growing on America. I think he'll make the cut.
Next up was front runner Chris Daughtry, confessing that several years back he sported Ryan Seacrest, highlighted, spiked locks. Thankfully, he began losing some hair and decided that Receding-Hairline-Ryan-Seacrest just wasn't happening, so he shaved it all off. Looking as comfortable as ever, Chris took the power growl down a notch with a slower song called Broken. But make no mistake, there was nothing cracked or chipped about the performance. He sings with raw emotion and ease and truly sells the song. Randy told him "he's ready", and Paula agreed that he will soon be selling out stadiums, but Simon cautioned him to not get too comfortable - that he needs to be as broad as possible. I don't know about you, but I love him exactly the way he is, and I never feel the need to see him sing Barry Manilow or Broadway show tunes.
AFTER. THE. BREAK, Egghead Covais shared that he loves hip hop, that his favorite artist is Kanye West, and that Kanye "drives" him when he performs. (Kanye, for his part, just put out a hit on Kevin.) Be honest. How many of you just knew he was going to take the stage and bust out Golddigger? Coming out on stage dressed for a middle school dance in jeans, a t-shirt and a baggy open shirt/jacket, he launched into Starry, Starry Night, the ode to Van Gogh's missing ear and suicide. Listen, Clay Aiken got screwed into singing it during Season 2, but Egghead chose it? You know, I was joking back there about the whole Punk'd thing, but this song had me scanning the crowd for a smirking Ashton Kutcher. Egghead is a sweet kid, but watching him sing is almost masochistic. I hurt for him, for his nervous blinking, for his lisp... Randy said he was "in the dawg pound eternally" - um, no, but I imagine after that song America will place him in the dog house permanently. Paula "adores" him, but Simon compared him to puppies playing, and stated that his fan base is basically located in retirement communities.
Another $5 million into the AI coffers and we return to Ryan in the Red Room with Taylor. The highlight for Mr. Soul Patrol has been meeting Christopher Cross (someone 29 million of the 30 million viewers have never heard of). Ahhh, Chris, the original face-made-for-radio...
Up next was Bucky, whose big reveal was that he has an identical twin brother named Rocky. Why does that not surprise me. What did surprise me was that I found Rocky to be more attractive than Bucky. Go figure... Anyway, singing Wave On Wave against a From Here To Eternity screensaver, Bucky assumed the position favored by all the guys tonight - standing glued in front of the mike - seriously, was it some pact they made? His vocal started low and slow, and honestly wasn't bad, but then, it was great either. If anything, I came away with "Eh." Randy called it "funky country" (isn't that the smell when you drive past a dairy farm?), Paula loves that he is unpretentious ( a word you could see meant as much to Bucky as "minx" did to Pickles), and Simon basically summed it up with "Eh." I love it when I'm right...
For those of you who chose now to blink, it was not a camera trick, there were suddenly two Buckys when Ryan pulled Rocky ( who was dressed as a photo negative of Bucky) to the stage.
Fred Savage was next, titillating us with the ooo - ahh info that he is learning Japanese. He even gave a Japanese Pokemon shout-out to his 11 year old fan base, "11 year old girls of the world, UNITE!" Don't worry Fred, they already have and will speed dial till the button falls off. Dressed in jeans and a tshirt/oxford combo, covered by a blazer, he sang James Taylor's How Sweet It Is To Be Loved By You. There was certainly nothing stellar about the performance, but he was more of a star on stage than he has been. Randy said he was not the best undiscovered talent (Duh), Paula doesn't kick puppies and therefore told him it was a great job, and Simon summed it up as utterly average, but that obviously with Paula's adoration, he would surely pull the middle aged vote. Sorry Simon, but he's pulling more than middle aged voters. He has the massive tween dialers on his side and he may find out just how sweet it is to be loved by them come tomorrow night.
Finally, it was time to smile. Mr. Soul Patrol donned a bunny costume to explain one of his many menial jobs in earlier life, then took the stage to sing Michael McDonald's Takin' It To The Street. PERFECT. He embraced the song, even threw in a couple hugs for himself along the way, and then ... what THE hell? What started as a bit of stomping, shuddering and a dance move reminiscent of rolling down the car window, turn into a full fledged seizure, complete with Elvis arm movements and a sideway arch of his back that made him resemble spawning salmon. No matter - like America, I adore this man. He could care less what he looks like when he is performing. He loves the music, loves the vibe and we all get swept right along because he is just so damned happy. Of course all the judges loved him, although Simon quipped Taylor "could single handedly kill the music video industry."
Another extended sucking of the advertisers' wallets brought us back to Elliott, who actually had something interesting to impart - the fact that he has 90% hearing loss in his right ear. Elliott has had more than his share of health issues growing up, including diabetes, for which he wears an insulin pump. Nice guy, and a nice inspiration to anyone facing health related adversity. Laid back in jeans and an untucked black shirt, and singing Heaven, Elliott quickly went from being "the best male vocalist ever" to "what the hell was Simon thinking when he said that?" He started smooth, but did anyone else think he sounded really feminine? The vocal was plain, blah, and he just looked like he wanted to get it over with. Randy, however, honored him with the night's only "We got a hot one tonight" and Paula said he was phenomenal. I TiVo'd back and relistened at this point and - NO, he was not. At least Simon chimed in with some reality, that it was a "cop out" and that there was " a disconnect" between him and the song.
One more break and everyone's favorite Beanie Baby was ready to sing. Ace's big confession was that when he moved to Hollywood, he had to work all sorts of odd jobs to get by. Whoa. I bet nobody's ever had to do that before. Snore. But then what do you expect from a guy who spends his Christmas caroling to children? He's just NICE. And maybe teetering on the edge of boring. Dressed down in double t-shirts and jeans to sing Butterflies by Michael Jackson, I know, I know, I know there are many people out there who adored his beanie, but all I could think was that he looked like a giant suppository. His performance was controlled in the beginning and the falsetto was even great - to a point. Then it went on for so long that I heard the neighbor's cat screeching back in reply. Randy thought it was hot, Paula just thinks he is hot (anyone notice how when she critiques Kevin and Fred Savage, she puts her arms in front of her chest, but when it's Ace, she full-on arches her back and spreads her arms wide?), and Simon called him on the screechy middle portion, but gave him the back handed compliment, "I think you made that work." Code for: You could sing Eidelweiss while wearing lederhosen and America could care less - they are blinded by your hotness.
That wraps up tonight's tell-all - no stunning revelations to be found, but one thing is certain, the guys are far more consistent as a group than the ladies. They all seem to have found their comfort zones (maybe it's all the tshirts that help with that) and I find it hard to predict who will go home tomorrow night. Best guesses? Rap master Egghead Diddy and Funky Country Bucky (and Rocky - they're a twofer deal).
You'll have to excuse me now. I promised my nine year old I would phone in at least 100 votes for Fred Savage (yes, tomorrow night, when he stays, blame it on this middle aged lady...)
You are SO funny! You got it going on, dawg.
I think you may be right about Egghead being an America Gets Punk'd setup.
Though you're wrong about Fred Savage. That's Peter Brady, damnit, not Fred Savage!
Posted by: Debby G. | Thursday, March 09, 2006 at 12:52 AM