American Idol Recap, Tuesday, February 21: Oh Yes, It's Ladies' Night, But Is The Feelin' Right?

Well, we finally made it. After weeks of eardrum abuse and having our retinas burned out the backs of our heads by the Rhonetta Johnsons of this country, the reins of this AI horse are being turned over to we viewers. (Cowboy reference in memory of green Garet Johnson who is back home singing to his turkey and pondering the meaning of life...)

Let's saddle up, shall we?

Before we get to the performances, this past week has brought a few interesting tidbits to light...

1. Taylor "gRay Charles" Hicks, he of the palsy-tourettes dance moves and soulful pipes, has a CD available. No, nothing that violates the iron clad chastity belt that is the American Idol contract, so stop hyperventilating that your favorite silver stud is a goner. Rather the CD was self produced and is very much worth listening to. If you're a Taylor fan, stop by this NPR Radio link for three free song downloads and an interview with our gray haired bluesman.

2. American Idol has had its lawyers tighten the lasso around the contestants who did not make it this far, but who may still want to ride their 15 minutes of audition fame. The updated exclusivity clause states they may not pursue, "...any talent management agreement, talent agency agreement, recording contract, songwriting contract, acting contract, modeling contract, sponsorship contract, or any merchandising contract ....until three months following the date of the first broadcast of the final episode announcing the winner of the competition." This is, of course, all in an effort to head off any potential William Hungs who may steal the thunder of the actual winner of season 5. So don't be looking for Rhonetta's CD, Freakin' In Da Bubbly Water, anytime soon.

3. I've told you people in past seasons - I can see exactly what you Google to get to this blog. It's rather god-like, and I enjoy it. So judging from the past week's keywords, I can tell you that Kellie Pickler and Brett 'Ace' Young are definitely front runners. They'd be even moreso, if they'd pony up what you're all really Googling for: "Kelly Pickler nude sexy pictures" and "Brett Ace Young naked chaps". Naked chaps? Whatever. I'll keep you updated each week as to what the hot keywords are that bring you people in.

(Crap - I just typed "Naked chaps" - I can only imagine the number of hits the blog is going to get now. Probably like the time I wrote about massage parlors...I think I need more bandwidth...)

But, we are here tonight to pass judgment on the twelve ladies, so let's get "rollin, rollin, rollin..."

The excitement in my living room was palpable as the CyberIdol emerged from the Idolvator and walked through the neon colon...

Ryan Seacrest welcomed America, punctuating the seriousness of the evening by eschewing his collection of ironic t-shirts and wearing, in a further nod to Garet, a red plaid shirt and jeans with his suit coat. He explained the elimination process for the next three weeks, but since we are all fans here, I'll just condense it to "yada, yada, yada" and move on. We all know that we will thrash, squash and kill the dreams of half of these people by mid-April.

God, that's exciting.

Before the actual singing starts, in order to milk this two hour cash cow till her udders fall off, we are forced to watch a montage of all the girl finalists. Pure filler crap highlighted by pure filler crap Brenna Gethers-No-Votes-From-Me slapping her ass.

Commercial break #1 nets the producers 3 million dollars, so I guess we already know who the real winners are around here...

Up first to sing on the neon Cheerio stage was Lane Bryant's dream spokeswoman, Mandisa, who hasn't lost any weight since the audition phase, but has dropped her last name. Singing Heart's "Never", she took the stage, backlit by the fires of hell. Clad in a red satin cami and flowing black robe, styling newly straightened locks, I hope big girls across this country were paying attention: It's all in the attitude, baby. Mandisa rocked the house and looked hot while she did it. Let's keep this powerhouse around for a while, ok?

Next was everyone's favorite Carrie Underwood clone, Kellie Pickler. After a quick video recap of why we should all feel sorry for her, she took the stage singing "How Far", made famous by Martina McBride. Quite frankly, I don't think it will matter much what this girl sings for the next month or so - she is, quite simply, a pleasure to look at. Glorious Barbie doll hair, a teenage figure not marred by the fast food she serves up at Sonic, and a great smile, and what's this? Yes, she CAN sing. I was impressed with the vocals, but not so much as I was with the fact that she did not wear something skin tight. The brown tunic with jeans was flattering but not slutty. I'm sure she'll save the "big reveal" for the final four, when cleavage can make all the difference.

AFTER. THE. BREAK. we returned to Becky O'Donahue singing "Because The Night" because it was the first CD she ever received. Honestly? The whole thing was too skanky, too forced, too much hair in her face, and too much reliance on the background singers. The ripped jeans and sexy doilie top did not save her from the fact that her vocals just don't hold up as well as her hair. Randy loved the performance, and got the dawg pound to bark in agreement, but let's be honest, given the Victoria's Secret line-up of females they have been watching, their judgment is a bit clouded by the surging hormones in their nether regions.

Another break netted the producers 3.6 million dollars and netted the crew time to find an apple crate for Ryan to stand on when he interviewed basketball beauty Ayla Brown. After a video clip of Ayla waxing rhapsodic about Mulan and boys' football, she effortlessly performed "Reflection" from the movie, dressed in a tasteful black, strapless jumpsuit. The judges were happy with her performance and Paula uttered the first, "You made it your own" of the season. Let the cliche parade begin...

Next up was Paris Bennett, who will be hereby be referred to as Smurfette for the remainder of this season. That child's speaking voice is like a waiter in an Italian restaurant - GRATING. Her song choice was a good one though, "Midnight Train To Georgia" by Gladys Knight, as it showcased the incredible transformation that takes place in her throat when she sings. But the 70's Dorothy Hamill hair and overly tight denim jumpsuit? Didn't do it for me. She got the crowd behind her and, if anything, was overly confident on the stage. I pity the camera man who had to keep up with her incessant bouncing. Yes, I know she'll be around for a very long time, but not because of my votes. I just can't stand the sugary syrup she oozes.

Next was Stevie Scott, and I was really excited to see her perform because we got so little glimpse of her during auditions. Trained in opera since the age of 5, the 19 year old has got incredible control, range and talent, and I loved that she was going to sing Josh Grobin's "To Where You Are". Then she came out, skinny as a rail in her jeans and sparkly red top and I went to sleep. Seriously, it was the most boring, safe, forgettable rendition she could have possibly presented. My nine year old could have sung that well...while asleep. I agree with Simon, she "utterly messed that up". I predict she will be going "to where you are" come Thursday night - home.

I'm glad there was a commercial break at this point because I was able to hit the medicine cabinet and down some Pepto Bismal before having to endure the walking botulism that is Brenna Gethers. And we all thought Mikhala was bad... Stating that she "wants America to know I have a softer side" and rambling something about too little food and her middle name being MeMa, she dedicated her song choice, "You Are The Sunshine of My Life" to her mother. Awwww. Pardon me while I puke - the Pepto just isn't working. Her performance was rancid - the vocal equivalent of potato salad at an all day picnic - and the nicest thing I can say is that she didn't dress like a whore, surprising me with a ponytail, jean gauchos and a polo shirt. A rolling Brenna gethers no moss, so roll on girlfriend, I just cannot stomach your attitude another week.

AFTER. THE. BREAK. we get to see more of Heather Cox, who we never got to see at all during the audition phase. Like Kellie, she is easy on the eyes, a Barbie doll come to life, but that's about it. She sang the saccharine "When You Tell Me That You Love Me" from AI Season 4, and all I could think was that if she lasts another week, it is only because she did her "big cleavage reveal" tonight. The vocal was weak, uninspiring, forgettable. But then, I don't have a penis, so what do I know? She'll probably stay around for a while.

Beauty pageant contestant Melissa McGhee was up next to sing Faith Hill's "When The Lights Go Down", dressed in - what else? - ripped JEANS, a tunic top decorated with coasters, and brooms hanging from her ears. I love this song, know it by heart even, but I could not understand a word she warbled. Randy chimed in with the first "You worked it out" of season five, and Paula babbled the second, "you made it your own". Someone please get these guys a new cliche book. Simon stated she was being overshadowed, but she shot back that she is aware she has not been seen in the audition shows at all. For that, I shall give her 10 votes and a high five.

Finally, my favorite, Lisa Tucker was up. I have loved her since her first audition, and jumped for joy when she said she would be singing "I Am Changing" from Dreamgirls. That is one of my all time favorite tunes, having seen Jennifer Holiday belt it out in the original production on Broadway when I was 19. It would be one hell of an ambitious song for Whitney Houston to sing, let alone a 16 year old girl. Looking refined, polished and elegant in a just-sexy-enough black dress with plunging neckline and a gold embellished waist, Lisa commanded attention from the second she stepped onto the Cheerio. Now, knowing the original song and Holiday's bombastic, unequalled pipes, I now know the limitations of Lisa's voice, BUT, they are far beyond the limits of her fellow contestants. She sang the song with aplomb, never trying to go where only diva Broadway stars dare to tread, and she held her last note to perfection. I shall burn out my redial this evening on number 10.

Kinnik Sky, who incidentally has the most marketable name in this competition, chose to sing "Get There" made famous by another big voiced diva, Oleta Adams. Dressed in the only long gown (if you can call sparkly denim, a gown) of the evening, she looked amazing, although I was a bit distracted by the diamond crotch marker... Bad accessory placement. I thought the 28 year old gave a show stopping performance, although her final note just about ripped the seams of her painted on dress. The judges weren't overly wowed and Simon basically called her an old crone next to all those prepubes she is up against. Personally, I hope she sticks around and represents we AARP members.

Truly, the best was saved for last. Katharine McPhee, who has glided effortlessly to this point, and deservedly so, sang "Since I Fell For You", originally made famous by Barbra Streisand. Tasteful in a simple, black, off-the-shoulder blouse and jeans (ok, enough of the ripped denim ladies, you have a clothing allowance, take some hints from Lisa and Kinnik), she started slowly, quickly ramping up the energy, and singing with attitude and emotion. Watching and listening to her, I experienced that swift rush of shit to the heart we human beings get when faced with someone who can do something extraordinarily well, that we cannot. The whole performance was a joy, save for the last portion when she seemed to be struck down with TaylorHicksitus while attempting to dance. Randy lauded her "natural talent", she made Paula love her job, and Simon simply said, "You were the best."

I have always liked her, but her apology to the portion of the crowd who "had to stare at my butt the whole time", made me laugh out loud - that's worth 30 extra votes from me Katharine.

And so ends Ladies' Night here at the American Idol Bar & Grill. Tomorrow night, it'll be raining men as the guys compete to see who stays and who gets sent packing with Brenna and Stevie.

Now, you'll have to excuse me, I have some phone lines to burn up. God, I feel so alive!

Comments

[FLJerseyBoy]

Great "Idol" stuff. Keep it coming. Couldn't agree more with you on your choices so far... and your take on, uh, Thang 1 and Thang 2 from last week.

Just one point of contention -- I think Stevie Smith has a more marketable name than Kinnick Sky.

[Drake]

Your blog recaps of American Idol are hands down the best on the web! The stuff written at the official Idol site by The Jaded Journalist canot hold a candle to yours. Please keep them up. They are as good as watching the show.

[tripaway2day]

Like you said previously, Paris Bennett's arrogance will start to grate on America's nervous.

That moment happened to me last night.

Chicago: starring Mandisa & McPhee...that would be perfection.

[Briguy]

Linda!

Thank you so much for the recap! I had to work tonight so I only caught number 11 and number 12! The recap made me feel like my ass was parked in front of the tube. I did see AI's recap and props to Mandisa,Kelly,Paris (I know..the voice is annoying but what I saw of her singing I was like..wow), Kinnick and Katharine. I know you love Lisa Tucker, but from the recap I saw, it didn't sound that amazing. Kinnick wasn't the best but I give her props because she's 28. I think I was really wowed by Katharine.

Anyway, thanks again. I love your reviews!