Each question asked as yet another unimaginable action, another unthinkable slur against the marginalized, another incomprehensible word salad is acted out, cheered on, embraced by Trump's cheering horde. And each time, when I think he and they cannot fall further, dig deeper; when I believe they have finally hit bottom, they bring out a newer, bigger, uglier backhoe and keep digging.
Last night saw the opening of a new basement - so awful, so heinous, so very deeply offensive one could be forgiven for thinking the heat felt across their face came not from umbrage, disgust, and anger but from its proximity to the gates of Hell.
Last night, at yet another masturbatory rally, this time in Southaven, Mississippi, a blood red bosom of white nationalism, hatred of others, and misogyny worn with glee, Trump wasted little time turning into the craven carnival barker he is.
At a time where victim after victim of sexual assault is experiencing flashbacks, PTSD, rage, fear, and emotional symptoms that link directly back to their worst day(s), he stood on that dais and openly, happily, gleefully mocked Dr. Christina Blasey Ford - by extension mocked us all.
Less than a week ago, he feigned probity, compassion even as he called her testimony "credible" "compelling." Last night he laughed, berated, sneered at her responses to the judiciary committee.
And worse, the crowd cheered it all. They laughed louder, they clapped like mindless seals, they egged him on.
Watching the men, especially, stationed behind him in the bleachers, I was sickened. Perfect specimens of white male fragility guffawed it up at the thought of a 15 year old being trapped, held down, fearing for her life, her mouth being covered. They treated it as some big joke. Have they no daughters, wives, sisters who they fear for? Do they think that in a nation where 1 in five women has been attacked they don't know anyone who is a silent victim?
And it was clear, the question is meaningless, rhetorical and needs asked no more - Have you no sense of decency? Not one fucking bit.
Like their sexual predator hero, they are soulless, craven, skin sacks of empathy famine.
And they wonder why 63% of rapes go unreported. Why it takes us decades to find our voices, tell our stories.
THIS. This is why, you inferior wastes of oxygen. THIS. The mocking, the laughter, the boys club joining together to re-rape us through aggression, slurs, threats.
Can Dr. Ford prove exactly what she says happened, happened? No. No more than I can prove my rape from 36 years ago. We were children. We had no words for what happened, no port we felt we could sail into for safe harbor. We have no police report, no kit, no documentation of what was done to us. It exists though - burned into our memories, a part of every breath we take. It is the shadow that follows us even on cloudy days. It is the enhanced fear we feel in unknown surroundings, alone in an elevator with a strange man or men. It is the ceaseless worry we live with for our own children as they navigate a world filled with misogyny, patriarchy.
That a sitting President would openly mock a sexual assault victim? But then, he mocks everyone else and his lemmings love it so why not?
I knew it before the election, but held out hope that people would see him for what he has always been. They didn't. They attended his rallies shoulder to shoulder with the worst elements in our society, becoming extensions of the worst elements in our society. I knew it after the election as I wrote and implored them to open their eyes, their ears, to see and hear what he was doing. I have known it for years now as I waited and hoped that one by one they would realize that they had been conned, were simply means to a brutal end.
And I know it now. There is not an ounce of decency among them. MAGAts are the absolute worst collection of hatred, bigotry, racism, white nationalism, disregard for others, stupidity, and inhumanity. Every red hat wearing, willfully ignorant, victim bashing one is a piece of shit cheering for the outhouse that is Donald Trump.
They no more know decency than they do empathy, sympathy, patriotism or humanity. It is why they embrace Trump, why they cheer for Kavanaugh even as more and more evidence of his reprehensible character is brought forward.
They enjoy other people's pain. Inflicting it, being part of a circle jerk of brutality. They are not lost. They are willful soldiers who followed his call of dog whistles and trail of red meat to get where they are.
We cannot let them drag us there with them.
I sit here this morning, again raw, trying to catch my breath one more time as all of this threatens to drown me in my past, bury me in this present. I know I am not alone. The heartbreak, the trauma, the anger out there is palpable.
The Republican leaders are a barren wasteland where fucks to give will never be found - there is no compassion, no hope to cling to that any of them actually care, no accountability to even be threatened at this bully at his pulpit. He is the means to their end, and their end is power. Getting it, consolidating it, keeping it.
We are all we have. And we must support one another, stand stronger together, and move en masse to the voting booths next month.
But for now, this morning, on behalf of every victim who is floundering, lost, adrift, I find my mind angrily begging Trump and his coven, as I did while I was being raped, PLEASE STOP. DON'T DO THIS.
Sigh. Never mind, I knew the plea was useless then, I know it is useless now. That only works where decency is found.