"Some enchanted evening
you may see a stranger.
You may see a stranger across a crowded room.
And somehow you know,
you know even then
That somewhere you'll see her, again and again..."
Rodgers and Hammerstein, South Pacific
~~~~~~~~~~~
Beautiful romance, beautiful lyrics, beautiful musical.
But in the real world, it's that last line where things take an ugly turn in a relationship. The "see her/him again and again" part.
If absence makes the heart grow fonder, constant exposure surely kills the romance.
Earlier this week I ran across an article bemoaning this state of being in marriages/relationships and laying the lion's share of the work at the man's feet. Fine, it was written by a man, and written as a "secret to spicing up your marriage" but the reality is that just as it takes two to make a spark, it takes two to keep the little ember hot enough to occasionally still burst into flames.
I completely agree with the "secret": Date your wife. I do. But wives, you'd better pony up and date your husbands, too. If only one is making the overtures for a period of time, that one is going to eventually say eff it and stop.
Dating. Think back to the time before you had entered the hallowed halls of your spouse's undergarments. When all you thought about was entering the hallowed halls of your spouse's undergarments. When you wanted them to be interested in you, stay interested in you. When your heart beat faster. When you could feel his/her heart beat faster.
Where does that go?
I'll tell you. It goes to a town called Complacency, which can be found at the intersection of Lazy and Takeforgranted.
All those niceties you were so diligent about while courting - you know, ladies, you shaved your legs constantly, your hair always looked nice, your make-up was impeccable; gents, you showered, shaved, groomed, wore deodorant, cologne, brushed your teeth, used mouthwash - and you both helped keep the Tic Tac factory in business. You fit like puzzle pieces as you drifted off in the afterglow of a hearty romp, and if one person turned over, you both turned over.
Fast forward - you get married, you get into the day-to-day ruts we all know so well, you get distracted, tired, pissy. You have kids and it gets worse. That hot and heavy breathing in which you used to live to indulge? That's replaced by hot and heavy breathing in the form of one of you snoring and pissing off the other one.
You let yourself go. Period. That's what happens when you stop taking care of your personal WOW factor, and when the person who should go WOW when you walk into a room, now cannot even be bothered to look up.
Sex is a distant memory, or worse (in my opinion), an obligation. Some "special thing" you do on anniversaries, birthdays, or when you are drunk. A bone(r) you throw your partner once in a while if only to not have to do it for a while. Suddenly, your bed is all about sleep. Cuddling falls away as you insist on YOUR side so you can get some sleep.
Recognize yourself yet?
Suddenly you are so far apart that even the best OnStar agent couldn't direct you to your partner's heart.
Shame on you. Both. Because as I said, it takes two to let it get to the place where you are now beergutted, widebottomed, unkempt, foul breathed, hairy legged, uninterested and uninteresting.
So back to dating your spouse. That really is the mental place you must return to. But let's be honest - is your sig other someone you would have wanted to date when you started dating? Are you? Probably not. Brutal truth there, but truth it is.
You need to start TRYING. You need to start CARING. You need to start PAYING ATTENTION. If you want someone to want you, you have to be someone worth wanting. So does he/she.
Shave your damned legs, ladies. Do your hair. Guys, start packing that Tic Tac box in your pocket. And wipe your damned asses, will you? If you are sending your shitstains through the laundry, that's the impression you are making. It's a skidmark shart, not a Hallmark card.
Now, obviously you're not going to drop 30 pounds or excavate your abs overnight, that's got to be a commited work in progress. What you CAN do immediately is work on those small things above, making an investment in yourself, in him/her, in your appeal. Kind of like staging a house for sale, stage yourself for appeal to your man/woman.
And for God's sake, make yourself more interesting. Climb out of your rut, expand your mind, learn something new, DO something new, re-engage in life, invest in yourself as a person. The more interesting you become, the more you will be interested in each other.
It's common sense.
Look, you love one another. That's why you got together to begin with and took the step to formalize it with promises. But love is not a license to let go, give up, break your promises.
The worse in "for better or worse" is about sickness, job insecurity, natural disasters, asshatted relatives. It's not about morphing into the worst version of yourself and expecting the other person to accept it.
And again, I stress, it cannot be one sided. If a person tries and tries and tries again, repeatedly making overtures, planning things, making gestures and the other person is just indifferent? Well, guess what's going to happen? That person is going to finally say "F*ck it" and shut down. And how sucky will it be when YOU finally wake up and realize what a complacent, take-for-grantedy asshole you've been, start trying, and the other person chooses protecting their heart against your track record?
Take a good look at your relationship. Take a good look at the other person in it with you. And then take a very honest look at yourself.
Before you book a table for date night, ask yourself, "What do I bring to the table? And what can I do to bring more."
Some enchanted evening
When you find your true love,
When you feel her call you
Across a crowded room,
Then fly to her side,
And make her your own
Or all through your life you
May dream all alone.
You don't have to keep dreaming all alone. With concerted effort, you can leave the town of Complacency and start cruising the highway of romance once again.
And who knows, some enchanted evening, while dreaming together, you may even roll over again when he/she rolls over. And we all know - THAT is true love.
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