No one likes a trip to the dentist. The drills, the noises, the needles, the poking, the prodding, the guaranteed admonishment about your flossing technique.
In an unscientific poll, conducted inside my head, 10/10 people look forward to having a rectal exam or their bunions scraped (even having the bunions on their rectum scraped)over opening wide for the dentist.
I take that back. There is one exception to that rule.
A person in pain will beg their way into a dentist's office, only because they have avoided said dentist for so long that a small issue - say, a cavity - has been given permission to flourish into an infected root turning your head into what you are certain LOOKS like a cartoon head - big, throbbing, pulsing for all to see.
Yes, under those circumstances, a dental averse person will embrace, kiss the feet of, and offer their firstborn to, the caregiver who will JUST MAKE IT STOP.
Another thing we human beings try our best to avoid is "the break-up."
Whether you are the break uper, or the break upee, it's uncomfortable, makes you squirm, hurt, sometimes cry.
Gee, kind of like the dentist. (or having your rectal bunions scraped)
People don't like change and when it is foisted upon us, we tend to respond badly.
Which brings us to the Perfect Storm where these two topics collide.
Anna Mackowiak, 34, is a dentist in Poland. She is also a woman scorned. You see, her longtime boyfriend, Marek Olszewski, 45, broke up with her - leaving her for another woman.
Anna was upset, as is anyone who does not initiate the break up. However, instead of holding her head high, moving forward, and dealing with the pain, she chose instead to be doling out the pain.
Marek had a toothache several days after jettisoning Anna for a new love. Mistakenly believing that bygones could, in fact, be bygones - or the very least - professionals could act professionally - he went to Anna for treatment.
In the chair, he opened his mouth, was heavily sedated by Anna, and woke up to...
Yes, that's right. Doctor I-Cannot-Define-Transcend, took one look at him in the chair and said to herself, "What a bastard."
When he awoke, Marek said he felt like something was wrong, but she assured him it was simply because he was so numb. Plus, she had wrapped his jaw and head in bandages (and told him he would probably need to see a specialist).
It was not until he got home that he discovered, well, we'll let Marek take it from here...
"'But when I got home I looked in the mirror and couldn’t fucking believe it. The bitch had emptied my mouth."
To add insult to injury, Marek's new love left him, saying she could not date a man with no teeth.
May I pause for a moment and just ask, WTF IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE????
Look, I get it, being dumped is a knee in the gut. It plays kick the can with your heart, wreaks havoc on your self esteem, and leaves you facing an emptiness which feels endless.
But if someone has declared they no longer want you? MOVE ON. Revenge fantasies are fine - it's how we flawed beings process strong emotions - as long as they stay fantasies. But investing actual time and energy into taking steps to exact that revenge?
Well, you certainly aren't going to win someone back by pouring acid on their car, icepicking their tires, bleaching all their clothes, or ripping out all their teeth. Carrie Underwood's song Before He Cheats is a cute anthem to the wronged woman, but it is also completely illegal and immature.
In fact, if you accept being dumped, process it, and reinvest in YOU, you are soon going to realize how much lighter you feel for having rid yourself of 200 pounds of bullshit. Living well is the best revenge.
Anna won't have the chance to discover that, at least not for a while. She faces medical malpractice charges and up to 3 years in prison.
Poor Marek faces the prospect of expensive dental replacements, lonely nights, and lots and lots of mashed potatos.
I suppose though, if I have to bright side this, I guess it's good he didn't have rectal bunions and that Anna's not a proctologist. God knows what he would have woke up missing...