Reflecting

Heaviness.

A few minutes ago, Debbie hit upon that descriptor in a message to me.  It's the perfect word for what I am feeling this week.

(I preface this entry by saying I am not looking for pity - not even remotely - just needing to use my space to get some things out.)

I have watched Carson and her friends travel from shock through grief to confusion, with pitstops at anger, resentment, and sadness, slowly beginning to arrive at acceptance over the past year.  It is amazing it is almost a year since Meagan left a world she felt was too heavy to stay in.

It still hurts to think of her last minutes.  To try to even guess what was whirling in her head, her heart.  What was so profoundly heavy that leaving was the better option.

Several months ago when Magda's beloved, wonderful, amazing son Chris was taken so suddenly in a car accident, that heaviness I am feeling this week revisited.  I did not know Chris, but I was honored to be asked to get to know him via Magda, and to capture him in their letter of thanks to their community.  Like Toni's memorial service, it was one of the most flattering and humbling moments of my life to be asked into someone's worst time.  And while I know she and Mike appreciated my efforts for them, their trust in me was a truly precious gift.

Less than a week ago, Evan left this world.  Not by accident, not by illness.  As I wrote earlier this week, it has gutted everyone who had the joy to bask in his light.  My daughters have been blindsided, as have their friends, his family, teachers, and even those who did not know him, but who know of him through his tremendous legacy of talent and friendship.

As with Meagan, I simply cannot wrap my head around where he must have been in his.  And it hurts.  This young man was loved beyond all reason, cherished by so very many, talented to the extreme. 

We are all left with only questions.  That profound sadness.  And a heaviness that makes it hard to breathe.

Again, I have been asked to put my keyboard to very special use for a portion of his funeral service for one of the speakers.  And I am humbled, honored, overwhelmed.  Once again I find myself somewhere I don't want to be, yet at the same time, nowhere I'd rather be.

I don't know if this rambling has much of a point other than this - life is so short, people are so complex.  Love the people in your life.  Fiercely.  Fearlessly.  Don't count on tomorrow to express yourself to them.  Today is what we have.  Tomorrow is not a promise, not a guarantee.

Tell them now.  Tell them often.  Because you never know when your touch, your words may lift someone else's hidden heaviness, or when the tomorrow will come when you, or they, have gone.

Love you all - Linda 

Comments

[Veronica]

I love you as well, Linda, and appreciate you for being who you are. I wish you strength in the coming weeks, as you write for the funeral service and help your community get through this tragedy. I will be praying for all of you.

[Debbie0116]

Beautiful words, and so very, very true.
I love you big, my friend.

[Linda L]

Love you too Linda! Please know that the entire blogmunity wraps our arms around you and your family at this most difficult time.
We must never forget that our young people are "People". We should never sweep their problems under the carpet. It pains me to think that they feel so alone with their stresses.

[RBlues]

Sometimes a "gift" can feel like a burden but I know you will handle it with grace, honor and eloquence. Continued hugs, love and positive thoughts to you, your girls and all of Evan's friends and family . . .

[MPolo]

I can relate to you entirely. There's times that life feels minimized to little more than a linked series of recovery from grief. It never truly goes away, even if w/ time it somehow becomes manageable.

[Pat to Linda]

we love you too Linda. You put what we are feeling into such a beautiful, eloquent way that says exactly what we want to say or hear, and this is why people turn to you in an instant when such things happen.

Such a tragedy that someone so young and so full of promise could not see a better day ahead in the next hour, the next day, the next week.

If there is any consolation that can come from this, it is the quite painful reminder that we need to embrace everyone and everything with full life force, because as you said - you never know what tomorrow will bring.

Sending you bright beams of loving light as you once again need to find the words to comfort, not only your family, but the community.

{{{hugs}}}

[Diane]

My condolences to you, your family and all who knew Evan. He sounds like an exceptional young man. May God hold him close and may He grant you all comfort in your fond memories. {{{Hugs}}}

[Dorothy R]

I honestly do not know how you do it. After I experianced your strenght and composure first hand at Toni's service, I gained a new, uncharted level of respect for you and how you use your gifts. Not just the gift of words, but the unselfish, loving heart that embraces unquestionally. Evan's life story could not be in better hands.

[Liz]

Just wanted to let you know that I am sending hugs and thoughts your direction. Your words have a way of getting to the true heart of the matter and touching people in an amazing way. Thank you for sharing your gift (and yourself) in good times and bad.

[Debbie0116 to Dorothy]

Perfectly put, Dorothy!

[Chicky (Kathy)]

Linda, others have already said what I feel, so I will just say that I too Love YOU, and even tho we've never met, I feel a closeness to you and the rest of the wonderful people who live here that is something I cherish and hold close to my heart. I believe that some people were put here on this earth for a divine purpose, I think you are one of these people. You have a compassion for all living things and a fierce need to protect all those around you so that we feel safe in the aura of your presence and words.

I agree wholeheartedly with Dorothy, Evan's story could not be in better hands. God Bless You.

[Another Lori in TX]

I have no words, but a heavy heart for you, your family, and Evan's family and friends. I know that you will say just the right thing for Evan's memorial, just as you did for Toni's.

We love you and all you do for everyone around you!

[Linda S to Lori]

I won't be speaking. I have been given the honor of capturing and writing the speech someone very special will be giving in remembrance.

[Amy in CT]

When there are no words, you somehow find them and transform words on a screen into universal feelings. This is why I come back day after day; for the love, compassion and passion you breath into this blog and for the community you've built. We love you Linda (((hugs))).

[Nikki]

Although we have never met, and I don't do FB or chat rooms, through this blog and the odd email, I have come to think of you as a friend I would miss very much if you were gone. This is a good community full of compassion and kindness. The majority of us will never meet beyond this blog. And yet, we sometimes know more about each other than we do people we have known irl for years.

I know you will find just the right thing to say for Evan's funeral.

[Ame]

What everyone else said. We love you!♥

[Elizabeth in Portland]

Heartfelt and real and true and raw and heavy.Thank you. Evan's community is blessed to have you as you were to have him.

[Eileen in MD]

Thought of you and your family today, knowing what a painful day it would be. I could not imagine how you could all face heartache again...and then realized that that was the answer--you would ALL face it together. You are so fortunate to have each other and know that together your power and strength is so much greater than the sum of your individual parts. I also know you recognize how fortunate you are and that is the key to keeping it together. Hugs to all of you and hopes that time will, once again, dull the pain.

[IrishM]

I echo the sentiments above. Your gift of words is beyond compare; managing to capture whatever you are looking at, good or bad. I am sorry for the pain that this is causing your family and extended theater family, but Even will be remembered with joy. Thank you for sharing with the rest of us your thoughts, family, time, joys, and sorrow. It brings us closer together.

[Tracy in Cincy]

I am a little late here, didn't read the blog this weekend, but I agree with all that was said.
The big thing is your reminder to love your family/friends unconditionally and let them know you are there for them, regardless of the circumstances.
Your blog and the friends I have made through it have helped me through tough times, and in turn, have given me the strength and knowledge to help my girls through tough times.
I love you, and everyone I have come to know through DGMS, and am thankful every day that we all have each other to "talk" to, even if we have never met. Your girls and their friends are lucky to have you there for them.

[NH Diane]

I'm always a little late, Tracy...

I was sad all week about Evan, even though I didn't know him, just like I was sad about Magda's son's death. Both of them sounded like amazing young men, and it's just not fair that those who love them have to let them go.

Linda, how very right you are when you say you never know when your words might touch someone. Even saying something innocuous to a stranger like "I like your shirt" might be the thing that keeps her going that day. There are a number of people associated with this blog whose words have helped me more than I can say. Your way with words has touched so many directly and indirectly (eg. by bringing this community together.)

Again, I'm so sorry you and your family are going through more heartache, although I know that that's the price we pay for loving.

[Bobbsey]

Linda, it is a difficult task that you undertake to find the words in such tragic circumstances. That you do it willingly reveals the remarkable strength and love you carry for others. There is a wonderful book called THE GIVER, which I'm sure you've heard of. There are times when you remind me of the title individual who takes on that mantle and it's weight of grief.

[Chrissy]

I hope your family and Evan's family are beginning the process of healing; I have no doubt whatever words you used will help much with that.