A few minutes ago, Debbie hit upon that descriptor in a message to me. It's the perfect word for what I am feeling this week.
(I preface this entry by saying I am not looking for pity - not even remotely - just needing to use my space to get some things out.)
I have watched Carson and her friends travel from shock through grief to confusion, with pitstops at anger, resentment, and sadness, slowly beginning to arrive at acceptance over the past year. It is amazing it is almost a year since Meagan left a world she felt was too heavy to stay in.
It still hurts to think of her last minutes. To try to even guess what was whirling in her head, her heart. What was so profoundly heavy that leaving was the better option.
Several months ago when Magda's beloved, wonderful, amazing son Chris was taken so suddenly in a car accident, that heaviness I am feeling this week revisited. I did not know Chris, but I was honored to be asked to get to know him via Magda, and to capture him in their letter of thanks to their community. Like Toni's memorial service, it was one of the most flattering and humbling moments of my life to be asked into someone's worst time. And while I know she and Mike appreciated my efforts for them, their trust in me was a truly precious gift.
Less than a week ago, Evan left this world. Not by accident, not by illness. As I wrote earlier this week, it has gutted everyone who had the joy to bask in his light. My daughters have been blindsided, as have their friends, his family, teachers, and even those who did not know him, but who know of him through his tremendous legacy of talent and friendship.
As with Meagan, I simply cannot wrap my head around where he must have been in his. And it hurts. This young man was loved beyond all reason, cherished by so very many, talented to the extreme.
We are all left with only questions. That profound sadness. And a heaviness that makes it hard to breathe.
Again, I have been asked to put my keyboard to very special use for a portion of his funeral service for one of the speakers. And I am humbled, honored, overwhelmed. Once again I find myself somewhere I don't want to be, yet at the same time, nowhere I'd rather be.
I don't know if this rambling has much of a point other than this - life is so short, people are so complex. Love the people in your life. Fiercely. Fearlessly. Don't count on tomorrow to express yourself to them. Today is what we have. Tomorrow is not a promise, not a guarantee.
Tell them now. Tell them often. Because you never know when your touch, your words may lift someone else's hidden heaviness, or when the tomorrow will come when you, or they, have gone.
Love you all - Linda