Roll Model

Look in the mirror.

Are you proud of what you see?  Is what you see healthy, fit, able to run from a burning building or destined to melt inside it?

Is what you see something someone else would wish to emulate, look up to?

Do you have children?

Now, tie all those together.

If what stares back at you is a candidate for Michellin tire mascot status, or the Pillsbury Doughboy award, and you have children?  Congratulations.  You are a ROLL model.

Not a role model.

Last night, someone from Debbie's past reached out for her nursing advice because her child was just diagnosed with T2 diabetes and weighs 175 pounds.

That is tragic, sad - for both the child and the parent who was seemingly concerned.

Oh, but it gets better.  In that totally-gets-worse kind of way.

The child is only 10 year old.

Yeah.

Picture that.  The average 10 year old is 4 1/2 feet tall.  That's 54 inches.  That means her poor body is dragging around 3.24 pounds per inch.

What the hell quality of life is that for a 10 year old?  And I'm not even talking about the being picked last for Dodgeball-getting called names on the playground quality of life.  I'm talking ACTUAL QUALITY OF LIFE.

The child's diet consists mainly of fried food, fast food.  The child's exercise involves changing positions on the couch and the calesthenics of changing channels on the remote.

Debbie's suggestions were as common sense as they were accessible and immediately actionable.

Cut out the fast food.  Get the child moving.

Her response to being told to cut out the McDonalds?  "She'll freak out."

Pardon me, but so the f*ck what?

If the child wants to throw a gorilla sized shit fit, hell, if she wants to literally fling her poo in the face of being denied her deep fried, LET HER.  If you don't buy the crap, the child cannot eat the crap.  And the child will eventually get hungry enough to eat what is offered.

But if what is offered is also keeping your ass unpleasingly plump?  Well, you are in no position to be forcing a change on your child. 

The buck must start with you if it is to stop with them.

It amazes me how many people in this world defend their fat.  Like it's some badge of honor.  And don't get me wrong - I am not talking about the inevitable increase in the waistline as you get older, or having a few curves.  I am talking about waddle-when-you-walk, health compromised, can't-see-your- shoes-when-you-look-down, get-out-of-breath-climbing-a-single-flight-of-stairs, would-rather-die-with-a-bbq-rib-hanging-out-your-jowl-than-consider-a-salad fat.

And that is over 25% of our country.

You know who you are.  And you know damn well you let day after day slide by knowing you should do something to change direction, to set an example for your children, to live longer, to be healthy, but then you get to the end of the day and the only thing you have changed is the channel on the remote and flavor of Ben & Jerry's in your hand.

(And yes, some people have true physiological issues at play, but NOT the majority of them.  The majority have two issues at play.  They chew too much, they move too little.)

Debbie's conversation with the Mom continued until it was evident Debbie was putting the onus on the mother to institute changes that would prove life saving for her child.  Changes that, yes, the child would stomp her fat feet at for a while.  The final shot fired was the weakest one, "you're not a parent - you have no f*cking clue."

Then she hung up.

Typical.  Call bullshit on someone in the food arena - TELL THEM THE TRUTH - and they completely shut down, tell you to f*ck youself, and waddle off in search of someone who will pat their sweaty head and tell them they are beautiful.  On the inside.

Look, I don't care if your personality is the emotional equivalent of Giselle Bundchen's ass in a thong, you are FAT ON THE OUTSIDE AND THE INSIDE where your vital organs reside.  And your "inner beauty" is not what gets measured when they prick your finger, cuff your arm, or diagnose you with diabetes.

And the same goes for your child. 

Being a nice person isn't going to save you from your self imposed health consequences.

My heart breaks for the children I see waddling the aisles at Walmart orbiting their equally rotund planets parents.   But one look in the cart they are pushing tells the tale.  I shouldn't care because they obviously do not.

Chips, sodas, snack cakes, every form of food laden with sodium, fat, and convenience.

And don't give me the they cannot afford vegetables or fruit line.  A bag of assorted chips for lunchboxes runs just under $8.  You can get a satchel of oranges or apples for that much money.   And that family sized box of Hamburger Helper with its needed burger?  A big bag of frozen veggies that steam in the bag and a box of rice can make a couple meals.

If you don't buy it, YOU and your child cannot eat it.

Ahhhhh, but there it is.  That whole willpower issue.  Yes, it relies on you having some.  It relies on you finally deciding that nothing tastes as good as seeing another sunrise feels.  That having your child throw multiple fits is a no-brainer trade for course correcting her 175 pound ship.

IT'S. NOT. EASY.

I know that.  I have given birth 3 times, have a metabolism that wants desperately to kick back and take a breather, and am barely 5'2".  I could easily grow sideways until I, too, resemble the 25% flotilla of barges sailing the aisles at Walmart.  I could easily say, "pass the biscuits and gravy and throw on a spare rib while you're at it" instead of passing the biscuits and gravy and spare ribs.

But I have three daughters.  Three daughters who have grown up watching their mother lead by example, not by magic bullet, not by gimmick, not by extremes.  They have seen that what goes in is reflected in the mirror - in terms of health as much as in terms of pants size.  They know that there is no magic bullet.  That caring for your body is your job for as long as you have your body.

Does that mean they have never had fast food?  Of course not.  What it means is a trip to McDonalds was once-in-a-while, not once-everytime-we-passed-the-Golden-Arches.

I find the thought of a 175 pound 10 year old depressing.  Like having a 175 pound ten year old sitting on my heart.

What I find infuriating is a parent who abdicates all responsibility for how she got to that point, and refuses to make the immediate changes necessary to save that child's life.  It's as bad as if the child is drowning and the parent turns their back and blames the person who built the pool.

If it were my child who was now facing T2 diabetes and all the health traumas that come with it, and the doctors said eating crushed glass, kale, and marbles would reverse the disease?  We'd be having Kale-Marble-Glass casserole tonight.

But back to you looking in the mirror.  Honestly, what do you see?  Someone who takes pride in themselves, their health, or someone who simply takes the easy way out (which usually involves shouting an order into a box).

And I don't care if your child is currently not packing the pounds.  If YOU are, you are setting a shitty example for them.  Turn on any episode of Toddlers and Tiaras.  The mothers and fathers are predominantly FAT.  Not a-little-overweight.  FAT. 

They should save the money they spend teaching their daughters that outer beauty is the be-all-end-all and invest it in shedding their own literal baggage and hypocrisy.  They should be setting a healthy example, not sending the totally mixed message of "Do as I say, not as I chew."

A recent episode of Fat Chef showed a man who started at over 500 pounds, was working his ass off, but whose wife, when interviewed, sat there voicing the "I'll believe it when I see it, he should do it  for his children" line.

She was easily 2 bills and change herself.

She should have been busting sit-ups and scaling back her diet every bit as much as her husband.  FOR HER CHILDREN.

Is this rant harsh?  Only if you see yourself in it and have a serious aversion to being told the truth.

This is about health.  Not about being a Size 0 (another bullshit talking point people hide behind).  Just like smoking, there is NO health benefit.  There is only risk.  There is only shortened life expectancy, futher compromised health as each day passes.

But people won't stop because they enjoy it.  Because stopping the cig habit or Big Gulp ingestion requires self control, denial, a change in how they do things.

And young or old, people don't like change.

Which brings us back to Debbie's new "unfriend."

She said Debbie has no f*cking clue because she's not a parent.  Well, lady, I am a parent and I call bullshit.  The only one without a f*cking clue in this scenario is YOU.

You are weak.  You are a coward.  And you are not a parent.

Because a parent would step up and save their child.

You are a ROLL model.  Not a ROLE MODEL. 

Comments

[Katy]

This morning I commented to my husband about a Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwich commerical. The people are dressed as "planets" (interesting you used that very term) and are all very lethargic, till the Sun tells them to eat a JD breakfast sandwich. I said, "yeah, and that's exactly how you'll look if you eat those things!"

But to answer your question - when I look in the mirror, I DON'T like what I see. I'm not as bad as the bathing beauties above, but that's how I FEEL like I look. I'm 30 poinds over-weight. But it's stopping today. Not because of this post, I had already decided this on Sunday, but this just reinforced my feelings. I will send a picture to Linda in a month with my weight included.

[Nikki]

I watched Fat Chef, too, Linda. And I was thinking the same about the complaining wife. She ought to have been joining her hubby. I wonder how it will go for him -- all that food at work and obviously a less than healthy culture at home. No escape for him! Maybe once hubby starts turning heads -- and he might because he seemed really determined! -- maybe she will get on board. Her kids are not motivating her. But I bet that would!

This friend of Debbie's... she sure doesn't like the hard part of parenting which is saying no, esp. when you have always said yes. I half wonder if it is she who will freak out more than the child. It's a lot easier to go to McD's than to make it all at home. Which, if she makes it at home, her daughter can still have a much lower fat/carb version so it wouldn't be total deprivation.

When Natala sees today's column her head will just explode.

[Katy]

Regarding Debbie's friend, MAYBE she'll think about it and do what she has to do for her daughter (and probably herself as well). The fact that she reached out to Debbie in the first place, was a step. She didn't like what she heard, but maybe she just needs time to digest it, so to speak. One can only hope, for the child's sake.

[nat]

Welcome to my job every day - well part of my job anyway. Parents asking me why their kid got obese, has T2 or started puberty WAY too early. And asking us (E2) for advice but not wanting to change a thing about the way they eat. And DGMS on smoking - I can't tell you how many parents have e-mailed me saying that they caught their kid smoking (the other day it was a 9 year old) and every single time - I ask - do you smoke? Of course, but you can't tell them to stop, because you are infringing on their rights. Yes, you have a right to be an idiot, just don't be surprised if your kid inherits that part of your personality... Same with eating, so many people think T2, heart disease (high cholesterol) (98% of it) and obesity is genetic - it's not, the only thing you pass to your kids is bad habits. As Dr. Campbell from the China Study says "Genetics might load the guy, but lifestyle pulls the trigger."
And sadly - this little girl (and many like her) are beyond the point of little fixes - she is past the point of taking baby steps. It is like going to the ER with a chopped off leg - you don't want your doctor to say - well let's start with this cute bandaid and see how it goes for a while. You want them to do whatever it takes.
To me this is simple - it's simple science, simple solutions. Is addiction hard? YES. But so is having T2 diabetes, a hell of a lot harder than eating some vegetables. Food is temporary -the consequence of bad food choices (and lifestyle choice) can have decades of implications and cause so much needless suffering. All for a temporary taste? No thank you.
I'm fortunate that I woke the hell up.
And I'm happy to say that 1000's of people we work with at my job woke up - I've yet to see ONE person that does not give it a go and really commit that doesn't reverse some pretty nasty health conditions. But it takes the willingness to say - time to wake the f*ck up, stop making excuses and do something about it.

[nat]

*load the gun

[Tracy in Cincy]

I am overweight and I don't blame anyone but myself. I went through a bad time, and that, along with meds I was on, helped me add too much weight.
However, I am now trying to do something about it. Red meat has been cut from my diet, and I really don't eat much chicken now either. I have found new ways to cook my veggies and they are now my best friend.
Best part is that my girls (22 and 20) haven't seemed to mind. Both of them are slender and in shape, and I want to keep it that way. When Brit said she missed burgers, I told her she would have to buy that herself because it wasn't in my grocery budget. She has now found turkey burgers and is quite happy with those. She even ate one of my morningstar burgers and enjoyed it.
My grandchildren are being raised very healthy (the boys no red meat, lots of fruits and veggies and no soda and Logan is vegan.) This makes me happy because if you are raised without sugar, soda, etc., then you don't miss it at all.
It pisses me off when I am in the line at the grocery store with my cart full of healthy stuff and the person in front of me has junk food, prepackaged meals (and not Healthy Choice) and no fresh fruits and veggies, and then pays for it with a foodstamp card while her overweight children stand there with more junk in their arms waiting to see if they have enough to pay for it left on the card. DGMS on that at all.
As I said, I am not in the shape I want/need to be in right now, but I am working on it every day and someday soon I will be. I don't know what it is going to take for some of these parents, but I hope it's not loosing a child to a heart attack or diabetes that does it.

[Shawn]

I very rarely look in a mirror other than the one in our bathroom but that one only shows from the shoulders up...I need to buy a full length mirror...But I abhor what I see. I am very overweight as anyone who saw my picture of me in my interview duds could tell. I am now on blood pressure medication. I do have an underactive thyroid which makes losing weight difficult even when taking the synthetic thyroid hormone. I just have to work that much harder to lose weight and it gets frustrating to see nothing change when you are in fact making changes and getting exercise.

I started walking last summer but ran into a problem physically...my left leg would go numb and my left hip was very painful. So I bought a bicycle to ride instead of walking. I was unable to go to the Doc right away as money was tight and my copay is $40 a visit...$50 for a specialist.

Once October hit and I had more funds for my flex plan, I got in to see the Doc about this issue. Xrays and MRI's were done. I have a torn labrum and cyst in my left hip probably partly resulting from the congenital hip issue I was born with causing wear and tear to occur more quickly. I might need arthorscopic on the hip at some point.

The numbness is being caused by a narrowing of my spine in the lumbar area (lumbar spinal stenosis). I have been referred to the back clinic but have yet to get the approval for that. Treatment for this condition is first exercises and medication to reduce inflammation and deal with pain...if that does not help...surgery might be a possibility. The idea of spinal surgery does not appeal to me as anyone I know who has had back surgery of any type has more problems after....One GOOD thing tho is my getting a bike was SMART as the one type of exercise recommended for this condition is riding a stationary bike or a bike...as the spine and hip are flexed and thus the numbness/discomfort are lessened or avoided.

I truly intend to make changes to my eating habits and have put the following books on my wish list on Amazon: Engine 2 Diet, Forks Over Knives The Plant Based Way to Health and The Complete Idiots Guide to Plant Based Nutrition. My Fund$ are tight this week so cannot purchase until I get paid again. I don't believe I will go full on Vegan as I enjoy certain foods but I CAN make changes and use this information to my benefit. I will probaly start with the Engine 2 book and the Forks over Knives book.

[Shawn]

Oh, I also signed up for a 31 mile bike tour as part of Bike Fest in Long Beach on May 5. That way I have something to TRAIN for as I tend to do better at sticking to things if I have a specific goal such as being in shape for a 31 mile ride....

And I intend to sign up for a small triathlon for the Fall as part of the Danskin series. Again to help me have something to aim for.

[Andrea]

Wow - that hit home. I am what you might call a lurker on this page, reading Linda's words of wisdom, and the thought provoking comments, but rarely commenting myself. But I have to say - thank you. I needed that. I'm quick to admit that I NEED to do something about my weight and its impact on my health, but oh-so-slow to actually DO something. I have 5 children, and so far none of them have really had any weight problems, but at the least, they deserve to have their mother around for them. So I will consider this my "swift kick in the a**" to get said a** in gear and actually DO something. It's way past time.....Thanks, Linda!

[Linda Sharp to Andrea]

The best part is the incredible support available right here. The DGMS family is an amazing resource and always reminds me that things I face, well, I am not the only one to ever be facing them.

[Debbie0116]

"We'd be having Kale-Marble-Glass casserole tonight."
Liar. Casserole?? It'd TOTALLY be a smoothie. (Up next on "Will It Blend...")

This whole exchange had me reeling yesterday. TEN YEARS OLD. While there were so many WTF moments in this, the one that I kept coming back to were her opening words to me: "This is breaking my heart. I'll do WHATEVER it takes to help her."

What SHE wanted to talk to me about (and why, I believe, she sought out my "nursing expertise.") was how painful the FOUR TIMES DAILY blood sugar testing was, and how crappy the insulin was making her feel, and how she cried every time the needles came out. All she wanted, I believe now, was my advice on how to make the TREATMENT of her daughter's disease less aversive - to them both.

So, when I essentially ignored those comments and peeled the layers back (didn't have to go far at all) to expose the reality, my suggestions were NOT those she wanted to hear. So freaking WHAT if she "pitches a fit" if she doesn't get to go through the McDonald's drive through on her way home from school EVERY DAY?! Like Linda said - LET HER PITCH A FIT. She refuses to eat anything but breaded, fried foods at home and "won't touch a vegetable other than french fries OR the fried green beans at TGIFridays (which she seems to consider a health food). Until her daughter is earning her own money and driving herself to the grocery store to do the shopping, there are NO excuses. Being a parent gives you an obligation to act in the best interest of your child - even if your decisions are unpopular. I don't have to BE a parent to know that drill - I HAVE a parent.

I was overwhelmed by the number of "yes, but"s I heard - ESPECIALLY from a woman who 1) just said to me "I'll do whatever it takes" and 2) has a young child with a life-limiting illness - THAT IS REVERSIBLE.

Just before I was hung up on, I actually used the "a word" - told her that her failure to act to CHANGE things for her daughter amounted to abuse. I asked her if she walked into her daughter's room and found her shooting up, would she stop her. She said "Come ON - she's TEN." So totally not the point. WOULD. YOU. STOP. HER? "Of COURSE," she said. I tried to explain that the shit she was consuming was killing her as sure as if she were doing drugs - only slowly and more painfully. What if she decided to start smoking? Again, she responded with the "she's TEN" reply. So what? Would you stop her? Would you take her to the store and buy her cigarettes? Stock up on her favorite brand when you saw them on sale?

And here is where the "I'm not a parent" line came up, and I was listening to a loud dial tone. And while I can only HOPE that a smidge of what I said was heard, I tend to doubt it. She will sputter in righteous indignation, discarding every word I said as mean and insensitive and lacking in parental understanding, and go on sticking her daughter's finger 4 times a day and drying her tears with each insulin injection.

And yes, Linda - that DOES feel like a 175lb ten year old sitting on my heart.

[Shawn]

I still do not get how your not being a parent was relevant.

[Chicky (Kathy) to anyone wanting to lose weight!]

A couple friends of mine and I started an on-line support group in January called "Chubby Chicks Losing It". Almost all of us are on Weight Watchers, so we count points not calories or fat. It's surprisingly easy if you stick to the plan. I, myself have lost 17 lbs so far, and I'm not alone - all of us have lost something.

The best part of it is, no one judges each other, we applaud each others accomplishments, we offer each other advice, recipes, etc. and we have fun doing it! The only rules of the club are, no snark and no excuses. If any of you would like to join us, friend me on Facebook (Kathy Rhinehart), and I will add you to our club!

As far as that woman goes? I read the exchange between Debbie and the woman, all I can say is, "Oy", she wasn't looking for advice, she was asking for acknowlegement that she was a good mother (which she clearly is NOT)...Debbie, I know she almost made your head explode, but honestly, you said all the right things, she just didn't want to hear what you said. I would remove her from my friends list and never give her another thought - you don't need that kind of negativity in your life.

[Shawn to DGMS Friend]

Message to DGMS Friend: THANK YOU....they are on their way!!

[DGMS Friend]

You are very welcome!!!!

[Lisa in OH]

I'm not overweight and I love my junk food but I've been trying to change my diet to help the hubby drop a few pounds. I'll be checking in to hopefully borrow recipes. I'm not a fan of veggies at all, so hopefully I will find some ways to make them more palatable.

[Tracy in Cincy]

This has been bothering me all day. I honestly do not understand how a parent can say they love their child and would do anything to keep them healthy, and then give in to them whenever they want something unhealthy.
It just makes me so sad, and so damn mad. Does this woman not realize that not only is her child now T2, her self esteem is under attack also. I can't imagine what she is going through at school. Children can be so cruel, and regardless of the "rules" regarding bullying, it happens.
Her daughter may resent not getting her McDonalds fix now, but in the long run she would thank her mom. I would be willing to bet that she spends most of her "free" time sitting in front of the television or playing video games. Get her out. Go for a walk with her...a long walk. Do something before it's too late, and all you have are the memories of her because she is gone either because of illness, or suicide due to the bullying. ARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!

[Kerry]

That woman's problem isn't that she doesn't want to deprive her child, or upset her child, it's that SHE doesn't want to listen to the child scream. It will aggravate or irritate HER. And while I'm no nutritionist by far, you probably could eat breakfast, lunch and dinner every day at McD's and not be morbidly obese. It's not health food, but if you ate in moderation you probably could muddle thru. Methinks it's likely an issue of the amount of food the child eats as well. She's not stopping at one burger and a small fry. And a child that eats that much, that frequently, and has no self-control or willpower whatsoever, will be real hungry, real fast. By the end of day one she will probably be in the kitchen looking for alternatives if mom were to sweat her out. But that would inconvenience mom if she had to hear the princess whine.

[Tory Burch Outlet]

You are very welcome!!!!

[Lori A]

I work at a children's OT and Speech therapy clinic that specializes in sensory and feeding issues. The therapists there have documented a rather alarming percentage of children who they see not because of physical or emotional issues, but because of what they term 'questionable parenting'.

When a ten year old who weighs well over 100 pounds walks in, or on the flip side is as skinny as skinny could be...they look first to the parent's actions. If I had a dime for every time I heard "Well, he will only eat chicken nuggets, I can't let him starve" I would be pretty well-off!

Most of these parents do not return after a few visits. They are looking for magic, or validation, or someone else to lay down the rules and parent their child because they don't want to be the 'bad guy'. How can they expect their children to follow basic rules when they themselves don't?

I am not a parent yet, but when I am, I will assuredly never say the words "I am embarrassed by my child" as I have heard parents say so many times. Every day I wonder what ever happened to responsibility and accountability.

[Theresa from Virginia]

Sometimes we can love those we love to death. I guess it's called "enabling". I pray at some point that Debbie's words eventually sink in with that mother - it's hard to hear words that we inherently know are critical of our own actions, but hopefully her motherly instincts kick in and she does what is right for that little girl.
I was off from work yesterday and happened to see Dr. Oz's show. He had some supplements on there that he recommends for increasing metabolism, losing fat, suppressing appetite, etc. I ordered two of them from Amazon.com - Relora for reducing stress and Saffron Extract to suppress appetite cravings. I will let everyone know if they help me in about a month.

[Bobbsey]

I receive many compliments about the fitness and health AND good manners of my children. And let me tell you, I EARNED those compliments. I had to endure the toddler tantrums back in the day when I said "No" and I meant it. Was it ever easy? - H*ll No!There were many times that I had to abandon a grocery cart filled with food and leave the store to make good on the threat that that was the consequence for a meltdown in the cookie aisle. (I'd apologize to the clerk on the way out. One time, they saved my cart for me cause they knew I would be back - but that's another story)

My kids get their sweets and junk food, but I made it clear that it was in exchange for something else. The price of a cookie? An apple first. You want ice cream, eat these carrots - ALL of them. Sweets are dessert, not a snack.

Linda, your post slides in with one of my soapbox topics. It drives me nuts when parents can't say "No" to their kids. You are their mother, not their BFF!! They have many BFFs, but only one mother.

[audreyf]

Amen to all of you! As I am the first to admit I am faaaaarrrrrr from perfect, I also felt that the mother's excuses were sad and amounted to child abuse. All of my kids are active and eat junk on occasion, but not every day. I am getting back on track after having thyroid surgery. I am in the process of getting my meds regulated. I am unusually tired, so I am upping my iron-rich foods and I just won a three month trial at Curves fitness and a 6 month membership to Urban Active fitness, so I SHOULD be able to get off the couch!