Our new weight loss support blog! We will be re-launching this effort January 2010! As hard as it is to maintain more than one blog area, I truly believe that the support to be found in the DGMS blogmunity is unrivaled. Stay tuned!
Miss Culley - 17, beautiful, newly single (don't worry - it's a result of her own very level headed decision), and very confident, headed out to "Prom" this evening. It's in quotation marks because her theater gang decided to hold their own prom instead of opting for the high school one a week ago.
(I still look at her and go, "Damn. I made that?!?!")
Another conservative radio host who has talked big about waterboarding NOT being torture, actually decided to put up or shut up. Erich "Mancow" Muller of Chicago agreed to have it done to him.
The result?
And his conclusion?
Anyone seen Sean Hannity? Hannity? Hannity? Buehler... Buehler...
And now, the end is near, and so we face, the final curtain
My friends, I'll type it clear, recap the crap, my fingers hurtin'
We've stayed through all the fools.
Put up with Kara's and Paula's blathering
And more, much more than this,
We've endured Ryyyyan.
Regrets, we've had a few;
Alexis gone, Allison bye-bye
We did what we had to do
Although Hatt got an exemption.
Rags pondered week after week
Adam Lambert - gay or not gay?
But more, much more than this,
What became of Jorge?
Yes, there were times, you threw your shoe
When TIVO cut off before it was through.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
You replayed the show YouTube spit out.
We watched the bombs, each and every Vomm;
And did it our way.
We've loved, we've laughed and cried.
We've had our fill; our favorites losing.
And now, as cheers subside,
We find it all so damned amusing.
To think we did all that;
Endured a scream out of a nightmare,
No, it wasn't me,
It was Danny Go-key.
For what is a Matt, what has he got?
If not his mole, a hat on top.
To sing the things he truly feels;
And not the words that Kara spiels.
The record shows we took the blows -
And voted our way!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thunder!!! Lighting!!! (No, that's not a typo) Adam foreground! Kris behind him!
Welcome to the final showdown!
(Slam camera into Adam's face) It was their final battle (flash snippets of last night's show), the biggest moment of their lives. These TWO lives have been changed forever (insert dramatic heartbeat effect). But only ONE can win the title (and the chance to sing Kara's craptastic song!) This is the finale. (Cut to Ryan wedged between the angelically dressed bodies of Kris and Adam) And T.I.A.I. (cue solar flare and graphics)
Poor Ryan. One last cascade down his staircase of ego. He descended slowly, taking it all in - Scarlett/Gloria Swansen/Beauty School Drop-out/Hell, this is probably how Kim Jong Il enters a room so as to add height beyond his lifts.
And in the adoring crowd, Kimberly Locke! Patricia Heaton! (See? Everybody Loves Ryan!) And Janice Dickinson's frozen sneer.
Ryan then announced the numbers - just under 100,000,000 votes for Kris and Adam. All part of a "record setting 624 million votes" all season. (Eeesh, we need to get a life)
He then acknowledged the judges:
Randy, in a black jacket, striped shirt, and burgundy velvet bow tie - he was one straw hat short of breaking into a chorus of Lida Rose (bonus points - name the musical). They rolled a hilarious mash-up of his favorite catchphrase which went something like this, "For you, for me, for me, for you, for meyou, for you, for meyouyoume...dawg."
Kara looked lovely in a strapless black gown with Gong Show gongs handing from her ears. Her film highlighted her attempts to lessen an insult by always adding the word "sweetie" or "honey" - kind of like the southern trick of softening anything by adding "bless his heart." He is an ignert sumbitch with a gimpy leg and a strange green pus that runs from his anus and I heard he has warts on his satchel ... bless his heart.
Paula was a blurred vision, once again crammed into a sparkly gold biscuit can. She looked like she was one deep breath away from her doughy bosom oozing all over the table. Her montage highlighted her Word-of-the-Day toilet paper, "Agility, substitutions, cadence, infectious, distinctually, intonation, visceral..."
Yes, Paula, we always have a visceral reaction to you. And it tastes like bile.
Simon's worst transgression was his repeated asking of "What? Pardon? Excuse me? Sorry?" He looked dapper in his black suit with his white shirt opened to his navel.
Ryan then welcomed Kris and Adam down the stairs where he attempted to ask them some questions, but neither of their mikes were working so they sounded like they were answering from a port-o-potty on a busy runway.
They then brought up the big screen so we could visit with the crowds in Conway, Krisfest 2009, hosted by Mikalah Gordon - of course there was exuberance in abundance, but I could not focus on that as Mikalah's lips were in the way.
In San Diego, Carly Smithson and the girl stenciled on her arm held court at Adamapalooza. Excitement was palpable.
This segued into the first GROUP SONG of the night as Ryan introduced the Top 13 singing Pink's So What. As usual, they were all wearing finale night white - and I found myself questioning my Sometimer's (I don't have ALLzheimer's...yet) - who were some of those people??
Oh wait! Now I remember! Michael (didn't he used to work on an oil rig?), Jorge (muy bueno!), Hatt was there all Rico Suave' in a white silk aviator scarf. As they sang and danced, Michael took the lead as Scott's seeing eye dawg, making sure he was in the right place.
I give them this - while they are zero threat to Pink (I'm reasonably certain she could even kick Sarver's ass) - they did not sound half bad. The AI Summer Concert should be a good show. As the song neared its end and they all flowed into the audience, Adam remained on stage with Scott at his side - nice.
The first break brought us back to Ryan introducing David Cook singing a new song, Permanent. I defy you to tell me you did not tear up. The lyrics were absolutely about his brother's passing and I have no idea how David made it through. If you did not see it, listen to it here.
His eyes were full as he finished, but he held it together to hug Ryan and tell everyone that the download of the performance would be available on iTunes, with all proceeds going to ABC² - and organization which raises money to find a cure for cancer. And then, always the gentleman, he told everyone of Adam and Kris, "I don't know that America can get it wrong."
Well, for what it's worth, David, America did not get it wrong when they gave you the title. You are class, dignity, talent.
As he left the stage... Oh look! In the audience! Justin RawWeinie!
Cut back to Ryan standing at the podium - oh goodie - time for the Golden Idol Awards. (Cover that emotional bagel with a huge schmear of sarcastic cream cheese, please.)
First category? Outstanding Male (translation: worst contestants EVUH)
Wil Kunick - who somehow managed to have the lyrics to his song choice stenciled on the audition room ceiling
Michael Gurr - a man who sang through a bowel movement
Elijah Scarlett - Swing LOW, you sweet young man, you
Dean Anthony Bradford - The dude in the plaidtastic jacket who promised that "the carpet matched the drapes." Yes, but is the carpet just as greasy?
And, of course...
Nick Mitchell aka Norman Gentle - And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going ... and he meant it.
Well, golly gee willikers, guess who won? Yes, Nick, who came up to the stage from his seat in the audience, feigning embarrassment at being so casually dressed. He thanked his sister, Steve Martin, Martin Short, Nathan Lane, baby Jesus, the Lennon Sisters, his mom's tomato garden, and the guy who made his hamburger at Denny's, then he again apologized for his appearance, shouted HIT IT! and tore off his hoodie and pants to reveal...
Wouldn't it have been an Idol moment if he had been naked?
No such luck.
He was wearing his wrist bands, khaki shorts, and that god awful polyester tie dye nightmare of a shirt. And what did he sing? Silly. OF COURSE - the ONE SONG he knows. He vamped, he lay down on the stage, he went to the stage behind the judges, hideously singing al the while. Mercifully, he finally shouted "Norman Gentle 09 - Peace Out!" and walked up the aisle.
And I am preparing a clASS action lawsuit to sue for those five minutes of my life which were stolen. Email me if you want in.
The camera then cut back to Ryan, wearing Norman's headband and glasses, which looked like they had been dipped in a vat of olive oil. Yerk.
Cue Lil Rounds to sing Cue The Rain. She strutted on stage in black capris, a black and white colorblock top, heels, and about ten yards of polyesthair. After one verse she was joined by Queen Latifah who looked like a big black sausage - and no, I do not mean the color of her skin. I mean the body stocking she was stuffed into.
Who the hell dressed her? Jimmy Dean?
And what was with wearing half a leather jacket?
Look, I adore Queen Latifah, I really do. And she embraces every curve she has - more power to her - but this duet was as lacking in energy as a ten watt lightbulb.
Next!
Coming back from the break, Anoop kicked things off with Jason Mraz's I'm Yours. I miss Anoop. Hell, I miss Anoop's eyebrows. He's a good singer with a great attitude. He was quickly joined by Alexis in a red tunic which threatened to reveal her own carpet/drape details, and boots that came halfway up her thighs.
I miss her, too. If I had to point to one contestant who truly was gone way too soon, it would be Alexis. Cute as a button, with a huge voice.
As they sang, it was no big surprise when Jason Mraz walked down's Ryan's staircase and joined in. Jason was a vision in a Peace sign t-shirt, white jacket, JEANS, and bare feet. Oh, and he's not bad live. Then suddenly, like bugs, the remaining Top 13 (sans Adam and Kris) crawled up out of the audience and finished the song with them. Seriously, they weren't there, and then like Children of the Corn, they emerged.
Ryan then rolled two minutes worth of Kris journey footage, which we have all seen before, so let's move on to Kris performing Kiss A Girl with Keith Urban.
They both played the guitar throughout and it was a joy to watch Kris - this was obviously his type of song, he looked comfortable, happy, having the time of his young life. For his part, Keith was his usual sexy, scruffy (sexffy?) self.
And there we were, happily comfy, enjoying an upbeat tune about kissing a girl, when the gears shifted so fast the transmission fell out the bottom of the damned car.
KABOOM.
Well, more like KABOOM BOOM POW, but that comes in a minute.
On the stage behind the judges stood Jasmine, Lil, Alexis, Megan, and Allison singing the intro to Fergie's Glamorous Life. Which, of course, led right into Fergie, all ten feet of her (good God, those shoes looked like Spanish Inquisition torture devices) in a duct tape dress, strutting out to sing Big Girls Don't Cry.
Fergie is a goddess. And she works at it. Face it, legs like that don't just grow on trees. Or else we'd all have leg trees in our backyard and mine wouldn't stop two feet short of the floor like they do.
As Big Girls wound down, Allison called out the Black Eyed Peas who joined Fergie for Boom Boom Pow, surrounded by dancers straight out of a TV test pattern. And I thought Queen Latifah's body stocking was bad, these poor dancers were completely encased - not a scrap of person showing through.
Like everyone else, I'd like to know what Ferg was singing or doing to herself with that Wolverine hand of hers because they felt the need to shut off the sound and roll the AI graphic around for a good ten seconds. The song moved on, the guys rapped, the test patterns frisked the Peas, and we were done.
Oh. Good. More. Golden. Idols.
The category? Best Attitude! Those nominated:
Katrini Girl Darrell - she of little attire
Alexis Cohen - everyone's favorite purveyor of profanity from Season 7
Tiffany Shedd's Eyelashes - the girl who "learned to pee on the safe side"
Color me shocked. Shocked, I tell you! Katrina won! Woo hoo(ters)! Out she walked with forty extra pounds of hair on her head, shiny pink bikini in place, and some brand new boobs. Yes, even Simon was impressed, mouthing "Wow."
She made her way over to Ryan, gave him another dose of her DNA, and even he commented, "I was going to ask you 'What's new', but I think I know."
He then afforded her the opportunity to sing Vision of Love, so she strode to the center of the stage and began to take a steamy dump all over it. She sounded awful. I was surprised because I do remember the audition phase and her not being so bad paint would peel.
Suddenly, the screen behind her went up, and just as she was ready to launch into verse 2, there was Kara, who proceeded to vocally bitchslap Katrina.
I truly think Bikini Girl was surprised, and not very amused. But come on. She'd have to be as high as giraffe twat to not have seen this coming.
Kara can SANG. Katrina tried to join in, but didn't have a chance. Kara finished the song with a huge note and by ripping open her dress to reveal her own bikini.
I do believe Katrina Darrell dun got served.
And judging by the quick cut to David Cook in the audience, he thought the entire thing was stupid. Then again, a little thing like death of a loved one puts a lot into perspective.
AFTER THE BREAK Allison joined Cyndi Lauper on stage to sing Time After Time. I have never liked this song EXCEPT when sung by Cyndi, but this was actually really good. Their voices worked well together and Cyndi looks fabulous. (Have always loved her - anyone else remember her on Mad About You?)
Ryan then spent a moment with Kris's parents - both obviously proud - Mom, dressed to the 9s in a red chiffon gown (sorry, but more than a tad unflattering), and then he moved to the other side of the crowd to check in with Adam's folks who were *SHOCK!* both obviously proud.
Next up was Danny Gokey sitting on the stairs singing Lionel Richie's Hello. Danny's got a voice we will all definitely be hearing in a year. Lite FM was made for this kid. No big surprise that he was soon joined by Lionel, himself, looking very well preserved and wearing Adam's Mad World coat from last night.
They grooved through Lionel's newest song that every woman laughs at, Just Go. Like hell. I laughed my ass off the first time I listened to it on the radio.
So you can just chill And clear your head And let me do everything for you cause you deserve it Prepare your meal And make your bed Well let's just switch places with you cause you are so worth it.
Look, I have a good man. And this is still hilarious to me. Rudy cannot make the bed right to save his life, and were he to switch places with me for just ONE day? I'm pretty certain a fairly important vein about three inches behind his forehead would explode.
They finished with All Night Long, punctuated by Danny's inability to " Parti', Karamu', Fiesta" in any way, shape, or form. Get that boy to an Arthur Murray class.
Coming back from another break, Ryan rolled Adam's journey tape, and then Adam stood on the stage by the judges, a single spotlight illuminating his black leather, studs, platform boots, eyeliner, and sparkling shadow. Oh, and the totally unique use of Lacrosse baskets on his shoulders. It was like Project Runway crossed with Rock Star.
And then we heard it.
The opening piano chords of Beth.
NO FREAKING WAY was my first thought.
He sang the song, and then POOF!, the stage imploded and as the sparks fell to the ground, there they were, in all their silver booted, spandexed, bewigged, iconic glory - KISS.
Oh, how I have missed Gene's tongue. Adam's cannot even come close.
They partied through Detroit Rock City and I Want To Rock And Roll All Night, and if Kris seemed comfortable with Keith Urban? Adam was HOME. He fit in so completely, from the notes he hit, to the screaming he worked in, to the ten inch high platform boots. And the best part? There had to be a contestant like Adam or KISS would never have touched that stage.
THIS WAS AWESOME.
Another break and Carlos Santana took over the show. The guy is everywhere - on records, my shoes, champagne (cause it's so crisp - bonus points alert!). He strummed, as only Carlos can, to Black Magic Woman and then Hatt went and ruined it all by appearing and sleezing it up. Between his red satin shirt and his oozy looks into the camera...
As the band moved into Smooth, Hatt was quickly joined by the other Top 13, all dressed in black and red. The solos were fine, but when they all hit the chorus? Anything but Smooth. It was like getting an enema full of gravel. Probably the worst number of the night.
Ryan then rolled the final Ford Vommercial - a montage of all the other Vommercials with Adam and Kris singing I Will Remember You. It was actually kind of sweet.
Suddenly David Cook's face filled the screen and whispered, "Big surprise for Adam and Kris - no idea what's about to happen, so check it out."
If you didn't see what was coming, you deserve to be run over by a fleet of Fusions. David met them as they got out of their limo, walked them around a corner and presented them with keys to their own 2010 Fusion Hybrids.
With more time to fill (kill?), Ryan welcomed comedian and music lover Steve Martin to the stage. He was joined by his bandmates and Michael Sarver and a gorgeous Megan Corkery - I want that beige and brown chiffon dress.
As Steve strummed the banjo, they sang an original tune, Pretty Flowers, off his new CD.
I still think Michael has a future in Nashville. Megan? Well, cruise ships are always full of infectious singers (and Norwalk virus).
I wish Steve had done more than play the banjo - not sure what. Maybe a few notes of King Tut at the end?
ANOTHER break and the show returned to the strains of Do Ya Think I'm Sexy. The guys were on stage in dark suits and ties - you know, without the pressure of competing, Anoop has his sexyback. Hatt just continues to skeeve me out. And kudos to Scott - he handled the chorughraphy beautifully.
As they finished, Rod Stewart rose from the dead (ok, ok, he's not THAT old) - he rose from below the stage and carefully (don't want to break a hip) ambled down the stairs where he grabbed Matilda (did she have a tennis ball on the bottom???) and sang Maggie May.
Oh Rod.
Clad in plaid, his hair still a cockatoo atop his head, he was fine. Obviously not the swaggering, stretch pant clad singer of his youth - more like an ad for Geritol - but he still has that signature gravel in his throat and enjoys what he does.
Heck, he even had Paula's biscuits dancing.
Oh. No. Sadness. Only one Golden Idol left to give out?
This one was for Outstanding Female (as in female standing furthest outside the winner's circle).
Chelsea Marquardt - "I can't give any more" ... and we're glad.
Irene Anguelova - Somewhere Over The Rainbow bluebirds commit hari kari.
Dana Moreno - who sounded like she was being thrust Through The Fire as she auditioned.
Tatiana Nicole Del Toro - "I am a damned good vocalist."
Yes, Tatidrama took the honor, then she took the stage in too little taffeta to sing another verse of Saving All My Love as security guards pretended to chase her around.
Ha. Ha. Patience. Thin.
Moving on...
The break brought us back to Adam and Kris behind the judges singing the opening to We Are The Champions.
Which meant it was not long before the stage again exploded, revealing ... QUEEN! (And the Idol Tabernacle Choir). Like the appearance of KISS, this was a thoroughly enjoyable time. Yes, Kris was no match vocally with Adam, but no matter - everyone enjoyed it.
I do believe even Freddie was rocking on the other side as Adam filled his shoes with aplomb.
Sure, Adam could master every note Freddie ever scaled, but I think he has his eyes set on a solo career, not becoming a front man, even for one of the most famous groups in rock history.
One more break and it was FINALLY time for the results we waited all season for. Ryan asked Simon for his final words to the guys, "I thought you were both brilliant, incredibly nice people, and I think both of you should be very proud of what you achieved last night. The future's all yours."
Edward Boddington of Telescope then somberly walked the results envelope to Ryan, certified said results, and for the final time of 2009, the lights went down.
After five months, 654 million votes, and more than a few ruined manicures on this keyboard...
The winner of American Idol 2009 is ... KRIS ALLEN.
As Kris's mouth dropped open for about the fifteenth time this season, Adam pulled him into a bear hug - I think he was genuinely happy for Kris. Adam doesn't need a confetti shower - Simon is right, The future's his, regardless of the vote.
For his part, Kris was speechless, and when he managed to get some words out said, "It feels good, but Adam deserves this."
Yes, vocally Adam can go places no man has gone before, but Kris, you touched a helluva lot of people by being genuine, honest, sweet, and talented. You don't have to beat people over the head to make them recognize that.
Ryan presented him with the first ever AI Winner's Trophy - a heavy, hokey silver microphone, then as Adam hugged Kris again - they both laughed, and I have a feeling what Adam whispered to Kris was along the lines of, "Ha, ha dude. YOU have to sing that hot turd again."
And he did. The band played No Boundaries, Kris sang his way through it. It sucks. It sucks more than Do I Make You Proud, and that takes a lot of SUCK.
As he finished on the stage behind the judges, flanked by the Top 13, Nokia dandruff thick in the air, the sweetest moment of the season happened. His wife appeared and as she held him, he began to cry.
The nice guy finished FIRST.
Hell, a nice guy finished second and third, too.
It will be interesting to see how their careers play out. This group has a wealth of talent and their futures are bright indeed.
And so that wraps up another season of American Idol. I want to thank you all for coming along for the ride again. Thank you for your feedback, your harassment as I made you wait for the recaps, and as always, THANK YOU for making DGMS one of the stops as you travel through cyberspace.
If you came for the recaps, I hope you stick around for the rest. And if you are already a regular member of this family? Well, you know who loves you, baby. Now, I return you to your regularly scheduled lives - and as Norman Gentle put it - Peace Out.
Visual presentation. Originality. Concept. Menu. And, of course, taste.
All of the components we Bravo-TV addicts have come to recognize as the qualities which define a finale cook-off between two Top Chef contenders.
But, just as easily, these same qualities can be used to describe the two contestants left standing in the showdown at the Nokia.
On Top Chef, make no mistake, both finalists can julienne a carrot, sear a cut of meat, and pair it with a proper heady wine. They are chefs, that's what they do. But what separates them is their style, their vision, their presentation, their interpretation, and their ability to coax something new out of ingredients both tried and true.
Is a contestant one who embraces Wyley DuFresne bombast and creativity? Does he/she use chemistry + artistry (charmistry?) to create foams, suspensions, emulsions - foodstuffs which defy convention, but result in drama on the plate and excitement on the palate?
Or is he/she a student of the classics? No less adept at creating pleasure for the consumer, but who favors subtlety over theatrics. Creating comfort food for the soul, tastes both reassuring, yet also distinct. Deceivingly simple, yet you know you could not reproduce it on your own.
Harold, winner of Season 1 of Top Chef was the latter. He eschewed tricks and gimmicks and theatricality, sticking to what came naturally, serious food with serious taste. Plus, it didn't hurt that every single competitor liked the guy. He was NICE.
Adam Lambert and Kris Allen come from opposites sides of the aural kitchen.
Adam is a vocal El Bulli - churning out never before heard sounds, twists, flavors. His presentation is always dramatic, always exciting, always aimed at shocking the customer. It could be said that he is an acquired taste.
Kris is like Harold. Quiet, unassuming, but possessed of talents which have guided him to a spot in the finale. Meat and potatoes is Kris's bill of fare. And one never goes away hungry, although his presence means he has always left us wanting more.
Both guys can fricassee a note. Both of them can take an old ingredient like Disco Week and bring us something original (Kris's acoustic She Works Hard For The Money, Adam's take on If I Can't Have You).
At this point, there really is no loser. Both men deserve to be in the Nokia cooking up their specialties. What will separate them are we consumers. So where will your eardrums dine? Cafe Bombast headed up by Chef Adam? Or the Soul Food Cafe - Chef Kris behind the offerings?
The table's been set. Let's dig in...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The show opened with a crowd shot of the cattle call audition phase - hopefuls screaming, "I'm the next American Idol!" This segued into snippets from both Adam's and Kris's auditions in which they faced the camera and said:
Adam, "I am 1 of 100,000." (No, not really, as most of the 100,000 came to support, not sing.)
Kris, "I am the voice in the crowd that needs to be heard." (Which is amazing in its foreshadowing of underdogma (under dog + drama) as he has had to fight his way through the crowds who received face time. I still marvel at how much time was given to covering Bikini Girl's uncovered parts, and Norman Gentle's headbanded antics.)
The hyperbole then rolled - video of the judges throwing out words like brilliant, dark horse, rock god, big time, exciting, stunning - all interspersed with clips of Adam's tongue and Kris's smirk.
Two are left standing (the bodies of Jessie Langseth, Allison Iraheta, Anoop Desai made to sit), but only ONE can take it all. (Not really since at least five of the Top 6 will release albums in the next year.) But it is YOU who decides which will claim victory. THIS is the FINAL performance show (thank GOD), and T.I.A.I.
As the graphics finished rolling I was relieved to see they had allowed Ryan O'Hara to bring her staircase from Tara - she made her way to the bottom to greet 7,000 people who truly won't give a damn a two months from now. Life, and American Idol, are funny that way.
Acoustic rocker vs Glam rocker! Conway vs California! The guy next door vs The guy-liner! Ahhh, labels! They make we unwashed masses feel good.
He then greeted the judges - Randy of Hot Lava Bomb Used Cars, dressed in a purple checked shirt, plaid jacket, and a polka dot tie; Kara Still-Auditioning-For-A-Deodorant-Commercial Dio Guardi; Paula, freshly Mystic Tanned to Level 10 (she looked like a basted turkey in a Butterball ad) which set off her fluorescent green satin top; and Simon, who showed reverence for the setting and occasion in a white button down (UNbuttoned to show the down on his chest) and black suitcoat.
Adam and Kris then came out long enough to reveal the results of the coin toss - Kris won, choosing to sing second (smart young man - AI Commandment #25: Thou shalt never forsaketh an opportunity to snaggeth thy pimpeth spot.)
Each was set to sing 3 songs: one of their choosing from during the season; a song selected by AI creator Simon Fuller (what?!? No Clive Davis?? Is he even still alive?) And they would both be forced to sing the coronation anthem co-penned by Kara, called No Boundaries.
Ryan then warned that Wednesday night's show was not going to fit into the allotted two hours, so adjust your DVRs accordingly. I swear, two+ hours of fluff and filler and still that's not enough to reveal the results? Oh well, milk that cash cow, Idol, she's about to run dry for another seven months. Just be a gentleman and use some lotion first - her nipples are sore.
Adam chose to reprise Mad World, but not before they ran a video of his parents talking about how he used to scream every night till he was 18 months old. And after that, it was hard to take him anywhere in public because he was so loud and hyperactive. Color me shocked.
The smoke rolled across the stage, and Adam rose from below it - at least I think it was Adam. High atop Mt. Crumpet, with green lights glaring, it could have been the Grinch for all I could tell. Ahhh, wait, there he is. A vision in a black. A trenchcoat over JEANS, boots, a black T emblazoned with silver spaghetti, and finished off with fingerless gloves.
He milked the theatricality of the set as only Adam could do, slowly walking down the stairs, parting the sea of smoke as he reached the bottom. The song was almost secondary. And that was the problem. Yes, he sounded as good as when he sang it weeks back, but back then he had stayed focused solely on the song. Hell, given the Lambert Blues (lighting package available at all home improvement stores), you could hardly see him back then.
As for the song itself, I sense it is highly autobiographical for Adam. Face it, it is not easy to be an Adam as a teen. High schools are merciless places for those who are different. Only when they throw their cap into the air can they begin to look back at their unkind peers and go "Suck it."
Randy Tarlek (bonus points to those who get that reference) lauded Adam's "sensitive side" and gave him an "A+ on that one"; Kara called him "an incredible artist" and told him he "rocked it again tonight"; Paula said he was "astonishingly handsome" and that she was "unbelievably proud" of him; Simon said that while he "always thought it was your best performance" maybe, just maybe, this time was "over theatrical" in a "Phantom of the Opera" way.
It was then time to see Kris as a child - same face, only smaller. His mom lamented how they had to once pay him a quarter to sing for family and friends, but that a few years back he gave her coupons for her birthday - now when she wants a song, she can just present one of them and he has to warble on command.
Kris chose to reprise Ain't No Sunshine on the piano. Smart choice. Far enough back that I honestly could not really remember the first time he sang it. Dressed in JEANS, a Tshirt and black vest - did anyone else notice the boy has some serious guns?!?! - his performance highlighted everything that I love about him. He is more than a singer, he is a musician at heart. He understands finessing a song, emoting throughout - he was strong, connected, passionate.
Rozo The Clown called it "one of your best performances ever"; Kara agreed with Rozo and said Kris has "a way of creating an intimate bond with everybody in the audience"; Paula read something from the back of a Herbal Essence bottle: "You awaken the spirit in all of us with your unique way of Allenizing your trademark all over. Lather, rinse, repeat." Simon was candid, admitting that last week he wasn't sure if "America had made the right choice." Then he added, "I absolutely take all that back after that performance."
Round 1, per Simon: Kris.
Round 2 - Simon Fuller's choice, kicked off with Adam, resplendent in a shiny silver suit from the Jonas Brothers Collection, singing Change Is Gonna Come.
Wow. Truly. I loved how restrained he kept the vocal until well past the 2/3 mark and then he opened up, his tongue fell from his mouth, and he poured everything into the ending. I am always humbled by the sound and control he has - again, maybe not your first choice off the menu, but amazing nonetheless. And his ability to climb a note? Well, many a contestant tries and often gets up there only to find the ladder has fallen down and left them hanging. Not so, Adam. It's a smooth ascent, and an effortless glide back down.
Randy said again, "you can sing your face off" (perhaps that is why his tongue constantly falls from it?); Kara said, "that may have been your BEST performance and interpretation of a song from the beginning of this competition"; Paula cheered, "That was the best I've ever heard you sing, EVER."; Simon kept it brief: "You are 100% back in the game."
Coming back from the break, Kris began to sing Fuller's choice for him, What's Goin' On? Sitting on the stage, guitar in hand, casual in a gray long sleeved shirt and JEANS (no costumes for Kris), he was flanked by a drummer, a guitarist, and Kat McPhee's luggage abuser.
This left the focus on Kris and his interpretation of the song. And it's not a song that needs dicked with - Kris seemed to understand that, in fact, stripping it down brought the message across even louder. Again, meat and potatoes, here. Not chemical balancing and nitrous oxide reductions.
Randy called it "a little bit light" but that it was also "great"; Kara appreciated that he has "stayed true to yourself from Day 1"; Paula wittily said, "I know what's goin' on. You tore that song up and made Marvin Gaye proud."; Simon was not as impressed, likening to "three friends in their bedroom strumming along to Marvin Gaye" and adding it was "too laid back for a night like this."
Another break and we returned to Ryan surrounded by the discarded Top 13 - Anoop is still embracing argyle, and poor Scott, well, nobody told him which direction to face.
Adam was back for his final number, the Kara co-written song, No Boundaries - this year's Moment Like This Time Of My Proud Life.
Standing in the spotlight, dressed in acid abused JEANS and a jacket decorated on one shoulder with tire tread, Adam launched into a number I can only assume he had not been able to rehearse very much.
Whoa. There were bum notes, pitch issues, he was even Desperately Seeking Susan, if Susan had an oxygen tank with her. Yikes. NOT an Adam calibre performance. Yes, he had his big ending, and nailed those final notes, but overall? Methinks Adam was hating that song and that perforcemance of it.
Randy called it "a little pitchy in spots," "just aiight", but reiterated that Adam can "sing the phone book"; Kara said, "It is amazing when someone of your level of talent sings a song you've written. I'm moved, I'm proud, and thank you for giving me that moment." (So let me get this straight - it is all about Kara?) Paula was at a loss, "Adjectives can't express what you've brought to Season 8." And she called herself a "fan forever." Simon threw the whole contest idea out the window with, "I'm not going to judge you on that song, I'm going to judge you on the season. You have been one of the best, most original contestants we've ever had on the show. " Simon "genuinely believes" they have found a "worldwide star."
And I'm not going to quibble with that. Adam's rocket has been launched. He is going to have a huge future and more offers than a hooker on dollar night. I do take issue with not judging his last performance which, on a scale of 1 to Adam's best, sucked worse than that dollar hooker.
One more break and Kris took a whack at Kara's treacly song. In JEANS, a gray shirt, loose tie, and a black jacket buttoned up like the AC was too high, Kris began to sing, but he, too, looked like he was in the Seventh Circle.
Standing at Matilda, he seemed to connect with the lyrics better than Adam, but then his vocal train skidded off the tracks more than a few times. He obviously cannot do the cordal gymnastics which are the hallmark of his competitor, but he did his best. Even the East German judge would give him 7.9 for artistic effort and a clean dismount.
Randy called him an "amazing competitor" and said he thought the "song fits your voice better than Adam's"; Kara - THE WRITER - said, "I don't want you to be judged on that song, I do think it was too high." Then she called him a "compelling artist." Paula said "you deserve where you are in that spotlight"; and Simon agreed that he "thoroughly, thoroughly deserves to be standing on that stage."
The show ended with every screen in the Nokia rolling footage from the early auditions to the final songs, while Carrie Underwood sang Home Sweet Home. (Was it just me or was that not Carrie's best effort either?"
Watching the video, I caught myself smiling. Amazing what you forget as the months roll by. Bunny rabbits, windows almost taking out the entire judges' table, Bikini Girl swapping spit with Ryan, tears, angst, lip piercings, and delusions aplenty.
All reminders of why we return to this show each January. Delusions. There is never a shortage. Cheap gas? Mortgages? Money for college? Yep - all in short supply. But not delusions. We have a bumper crop, rain or shine. And as long as we have our delusions, the terrorists can't win.
So, now we are down to the results. How do you think things will pan out? Meat & potatoes or something jazzier with a port wine reduction?
Yes, Adam is obviously more worthy from a vocal standpoint, but those Danny voters share the same demographic pie slice with Kris fans. Methinks an upset could be in the offing.
Oh hell, either way, these guys are never looking back. Fortune is shining on them, and I am happy to say that this season, BOTH finalists are equally deserving of the honor, and the menu is richer for them both being on it.
I would apologize for the radio silence from this end of late, but frankly, real life was a much bigger priority than virtual life this past weekend.
Kendall's team played three playoff games on Sunday (Saturday was rained out, forcing all 3 games into one day). It was the first time Rudy had been able to see her play all season, and she did her soccer-dad proud. She is skilled, but more importantly, she is intuitive. She can read a field and anticipate a play better than most older players, which makes her both dangerous and effective. Unfortunately, they fell a couple goals short of advancing to state.
Culley and Kendall - part of the one-act troupe which had advanced to the state level, competed Saturday night. Eight schools from around the state. Culley texted that they did "AMAZING!" Unfortunately, the UIL format is one judge. And that means one person's very subjective opinion. Their school did not place 1, 2, or 3, but the kids still came away feeling great about having made it that far. I'm very proud of them all.
Finally, after rehearsing for what seemed like FOREVER (in actuality, five months), Carson's musical Oliver! opened Friday night. As she had not wanted me attending rehearsals (she wanted me to be surprised), I was as twitchy, nervous, and excited as were Rudy, Culley, Kendall, and my parents.
As the lights went down and the overture began, I tried to imagine her backstage. Nervous? Breathing rapidly? Sick to her stomach?
Nah. Not Carson. A born ham, the child all but has Hormel stamped on her forehead. I knew she was only excited and ready to hit the stage.
The Artful Dodger does not appear until Scene 5, but that was OK. The cast - yes, there were typical self aware, nervous middle schoolers in the bunch - did an admirable job keeping my attention. The tiny siblings (5 to 8 years old) of some were cast as orphans and literally stole the Food, Glorious Food opening number from their older castmates.
But then the curtain parted as Scene 5 opened, and something happened. There was a new energy - and her name was Carson. Scratch that, his name was Jack Dawkins aka The Artful Dodger.
Look, I realize I am the child's mother, and I do know how much she prepared for this part, but even I WAS BLOWN AWAY. She commanded that stage from the moment she opened her little cockney mouth. Her accent was spot on, her acting wasn't acting, but the everyday ease of a ruffian on a dirty London street.
And then she moved into her first song, Consider Yourself.
Damn.
From the singing to the dancing, she held an entire audience in her hand, and as I looked around, everyone was smiling and whispering.
She brought such life, such energy to every scene in which she appeared - I cannot adequately explain it. I have ordered a DVD of the performance and will hopefully be able to share it with you soon.
Saturday night, Rudy and I went again, and again, she stole the show, even adding subtle things like sniffing Oliver's hat at one point and making it VERY clear through her actions that Oliver needs to lather, rinse, repeat better. From the first word to the last struggle as Dodger is hilariously dragged away by police, you literally looked forward to her reappearing and bringing her energy. In the crowd Saturday were two of her personal trainers, and another came to see the show on Sunday - THAT meant the world to her. These guys fill a huge hole in her life when Rudy is away and to have them give up two hours of their weekend for a middle school musical?
I thanked them all in person and again via email over the weekend. This is what one of them wrote back,
It was my absolute pleasure to watch Carson on stage yesterday. She outshone everyone on the stage and carried herself brilliantly. I have always enjoyed working with her and knowing your family, but I was honored to be associated with her yesterday.
In the lobby after each show, the compliments were many and I loved watching her bask in the glow of a job well done. The best praise came Friday night when a parent told her, "You're such a talented young man!"
Carson, who had cut all her long beautiful blonde hair off for this part, smiled, said THANK YOU, and then informed them SHE is a GIRL.
She had hoped that between cutting her hair and her name being Carson, if you didn't know she was a girl, you wouldn't know she was a girl - and it worked. One of C&K's theater buddies saw the show Sunday and she told them, "At first I thought, talented boy. Then I thought, wait, talented girl?!?! Then it hit me, THAT'S A LITTLE SHARP!!!"
She is, indeed, and all the big Sharps are so very proud of her.
I lifted this picture from the site where the photographer for the show is posting the shots to be ordered. (Don't worry, I plan on paying for the actual pictures.) I just wanted to be able to share a small pic for now of The Artful Dodger...she's the one in the top hat and big smile.
Recent Comments