I like food as much as the next person. Despite what anyone wants to surmise about my waistband size in relation to my food intake, I DO like food.
All kinds. Japanese, Italian, Thai, Greek, Chinese - you name it, I'll eat it.
But my biggest weakness comes in the form of bread. That yeasty, chewy goodness - the smell alone - can bring me to my knees. I know I look like an ass everytime I walk into a Subway - I just stand there for a minute inhaling like some cracked wheat whore.
My kids are the same. Carson believes the smell in a Subway is the best smell in the world. Kendall views it as second best (first being the smell when you open the milk cooler in a grocery store - don't ask). And Culley? She'd slurp yeast out of a bowl.
Holidays have always found a basket of crescent rolls on the table - all golden and warm - and just waiting for a fight over who gets the last one.
I began avoiding that argument years back by making two cans of them, not one. Problem solved. Rolls for everyone!
You would think that kind of problem solving is just common sense. But this sad story tells me I'm wrong.
And that some people take their baked goods much too seriously.
A Michigan man is dead, his daughter in police custody, after a fight over dinner rolls .
Not even kidding.
This past Monday, just after 8am, police responded to a disturbance call. They found the father, 62, wounded, and the daughter hiding in some bushes.
Unfortunately, Dad died at the hospital.
I know I don't knead to say it, but death over dinner rolls? Talk about sourdough...
The talking anal wart that is Rush Limbaugh stayed true to form today, immediately taking to the airwaves to make sure all the lemmings who live in every little corner of the country where his gutteral musings are pumped for FREE understand that President Obama's nominee for the Supreme Court is Baaaaaaaaad.
Sad that so very many of his listeners will simply buy his verbile (verbal bile) and not do an ounce of their own research on this woman who is completely qualified to take that SC seat.
But then, it's not as if Rush ever does any either. He just immediately jumps to attack everything mode. Hell, if President Obama personally found a cure for cancer, Limbaugh would find fault with that, too. (Then again, a cure for cancer would wipe out the malignancy that is Rush...)
I'll be real upfront here - I have no sympathy for the Gosselin grown-ups.
You sign up to have your life chronicled in exchange for freebies and fame - this is part of your deal with the devil.
The new season of Jon & Kate Plus 8 kicked off last night and TLC attempted through interview segments - those now famous couch moments in which Jon & Kate talk about their lives each episode - to broach the subject on every viewer's mind: How's the marriage holding up?
The answer was painfully obvious. It isn't. The animosity between the two adults comes off them in waves.
Amid rumors that he cheated! NO! She cheated! They both cheated! They have an open marriage! He lives above the garage! She's never home! I imagine their lives have become a little less than appealing - even to Kate, who has always seemed to court the cameras.
Jon has been known as the beleaguered, ordered about, marginalized spouse since the show started. And Kate's biatch-like attitudes towards him have become the stuff of internet legend.
One could argue that if Jon cheated, well, no wonder - he is married to a shrew who cannot be tamed. If Kate cheated, well, no wonder - that body guard is a silver haired hottie and Jon is one sit-up shy of being an actual sloth.
My reply to those who think cheating is justifiable? Um, no. If your married life is that bad? If you no longer love the person who wears your ring? If you entertain fantasies which involve their demise?
Shit or get off the pot.
Grab your balls, say it's over, get a divorce, solidly move on - and THEN chase all the skirt or Dockers you want.
But don't whine to me about how hard your life is because of the TV cameras, Jon. And Kate, cry me a river about being "misrepresented" in those tabloids. YOU BOTH SIGNED UP FOR THIS - The GOOD, the BAD, and yes, the UGLY.
Again, zero sympathy.
I reserve my thoughts for the 8 children who deserve more than a father with a frat boy complex, and a mother who pushes them away when the cameras aren't on so she can go do another speaking engagement, fly first-class, or work with her personal trainer.
Their words that they are concerned about their children ring very hollow. If they are both so concerned - turn off the cameras. Get rid of the constant stream of strangers. AND PARENT YOUR CHILDREN.
Parenting is not the most glamorous gig in the world, but done right? The rewards are far more gratifying and long lasting than a book tour or cover of People. Done right, you get well adjusted, happy, loved, thriving children.
Singing sensation Susan Boyle has advanced to the finals of Britain's Got Talent. She has a slightly shaky start on Memory from Cats, but quickly regains control and again, I simply cannot help but to smile the whole way through. Enjoy!
If you have kids, you know that our school technology experiences bear little resemblance to those of our children.
We had overhead projectors and teachers equipped with markers. And if something went awry, hopefully one of the nerdy AV kids was within earshot to come fix it.
We had typewriters on which our big reports were created. Typewriters. Ha. Remember these? If you were lucky, your parents ponied up for an electric one. No such luck in my house. Ours was manual, as in a-thousand-word-report-could-cripple-your-index-finger. (I'm convinced to this day that the stiffness in my right index finger is the result of having to continually slam it down on keys that required fifty pounds of force to move the metal letter towards the paper.)
God help you if you were having to use carbon paper in between two sheets in order to make a copy.
Home computers didn't exist. Word processing devices were some space age thing created and used by NASA.
Nowadays, my daughters use computers like we used #2 pencils. Whole "labs" are dedicated to having one computer per child. Screw poster board and letter stencils. Kids use Power Point to create elaborate depictions of the migration of the sea turtle, complete with swirling text, nautical music in the background, and images which fade one into the next.
(Did not just pull that out of my ass. Carson's final QUEST project is a Spielberg worthy movie in the making.)
I think all this technology is great. I really do. I love that when I go for my daily walk/jog (wog?) my music device is smaller than a credit card. I appreciate being able to email with my kids' teachers in stead of playing twenty inconvenient rounds of phone tag. I even like knowing how to use Power Point, and am not ashamed to admit that my youngest child taught me.
But as with everything in this fast paced, virtual reality world of ours, kids need to be constantly policed as to how they are availing themselves of the gadgets, programs, gizmos, and access.
I give you Exhibit A: the Power Point put together by some wretched little sixth grade girls who took Mean Girls to a whole new level.
Forget poking fun at a classmate's apparel or hair style - where's the fun in that?
Let's prepare The Top Six Ways To Kill Piper!
Piper Smith is a sixth grade girl who was targeted by some shitty little classmates with a Lindsay Lohan complex.
As you can see in the video, the girls use cute graphics to play out their fantasies of killing another child. Shooting, hanging, push her off a cliff...
Piper's mother is concerned, and she should be. We live in a society full of children who think this kind of behavior is "cool", "acceptable". Kids who are never held accountable for a single thing they do wrong. Kids whose parents are busy being "friends" with them, or worse, being nonexistent in their lives - afraid to offend their little cherubs by poking into their privacy.
As for the women in the news video discussing this issue? Sorry, ladies, but I don't buy the whole "they're just kids and don't understand their actions" BS. Properly taught right from wrong, consequences for actions, and respect for other people - ALL OTHER PEOPLE - from when they are young will give you a child who would understand this Power Point is not "funny". I showed it to my daughters and none of them laughed or thought it harmless.
The school will not give details of how the offending little shits have been dealt with, but assure us they have all expressed remorse.
Pardon the cynic in me, but kids that think nothing of creating and distributing a Power Point like this one are only sorry for one thing: SORRY THEY GOT CAUGHT.
Personally, if one of my children were involved in something so callous, mean, thoughtless, and potentially violent? Well, my foot and their ass would have a parent-creature conference, and the little monster would not be able to sit for a good long time.
Oh, and her access to technology would be denied. She'd learn firsthand what life in the 80s was like and I'd start by asking my mom for that goddamned typewriter.