Don't Get Me Started with Linda Sharp

The Duggar Bakery Is Again Open For Business

I'll keep this one short - I blogged about this family back when child #17 made her appearance last year.

And I made it clear then that my personal stance is that producing unlimited children just because your body can is not a choice I understand, or would ever make.

Three keep me more than busy.  Three take all I have to give.  Three fulfill ME.  I don't need 17, and I certainly don't believe God is going to hold my decision, to go back to sex as recreation only, against me.

I like my family the way it is.  And again, PERSONALLY, I do not believe it is possible to completely nurture and cherish a child the way they deserve when there are so many they actually have to make appointments to meet with you for one-on-one time.

I don't think it is fair to turn older children into surrogate parents just because you and your husband believe yourselves to be some biblical Energizer Bunnies.

But, that's just me.

The Duggar family sees it differently, and now, in terms of buns in the oven, their bakery is at it again.  Yes, child #18 is due around New Years.

More power to them.  I don't get it.  But then, I don't have to get it.  Their lives don't have a thing to do with mine.

So, I'll offer my congratulations because I love babies, but I reserve the right to throw in a tiny eye roll because, well, EIGHTEEN???

Look, I have had three, and I know...

To quote Borat, that vagine must "hang like sleeve of wizard" by now...

Dad Is A Real Archuletdown

The buzz for months now has been that little Puppy Love Archuleta's father has a not so nice reputation as a ruthless "stage dad".

The bad rap dates back to David's days competing on Star Search when Jeff harrassed other contestants, calling them at night, etc.  He was eventually banned from the set.

Well, leave it to dear old Dad to muck things up again...

Rumors have persisted during season 7 that he not only brings undo pressure down upon David, but has reduced his son to tears at least once.

And his Star Search history is now repeating itself.

According to sources at American Idol who spoke with TMZ, Jeff has been a complete pain in the ass, interfering with the entire production. He has badgered producers, the band, vocal coaches and even other contestants. The final straw came this week, when Jeff wanted to change the lyrics to David's first song, "Stand By Me." Jeff insisted on adding a verse from Sean Kingston's hit, "Beautiful Girls." Producers sent him an e-mail telling him the lyrics could not be changed. They were beyond pissed when David sang the song with Kingston's lyrics during the live show.

By changing the lyrics, it created problems with the song's publisher and cost "A.I." a lot of money.

In a sit down with AI lawyers on Wednesday, they banned him from all areas where David is learning or rehearsing.  He will be allowed to attend the shows, but that's it.  They contend that David is 17 and does not need a guardian - a teacher is sufficient.

Sources report that the other contestants are not unhappy about this turn of events, as they are all "fed up with Jeff and do not want him near them."

Hopefully the reduction in stress will be good for all of them. 

You know, David may not end up taking the American Idol crown, but his family won't be without a winner... Daddy Dearest has already got the American A-hole title all sewn up.

(Note:  While most hold TMZ in a very dim light - face it, they tend to sensationalize, muck rake, and are just generally out to be the online version of the Enquirer - this story has been confirmed by the Associated Press.)

Incoming! (or outgoing??)

I'm scared to death of heights.

Seriously, watching a person climb a ladder makes my knees lock and my stomach turn.

So, it is doubtful that you'd ever find me hopping out of an airplane of my own accord.  But if I did, you can be damned sure I'd be re-writing a certain song title if this happened to me...

My pants would surely be Juicy In The Sky With My Runs

No Gutter Bawl For This Guy

Next time you think you can't do something, when physical limitations seem insurmountable, when you believe you're too old, too inept, too unfit, too whatever - think about this guy, and then try again...

Dale Davis, 78, of Alta, Iowa is blind.  His sight was lost due to macular degeneration (my Mom has dealt with a form of this for years now - an actual macular hole in her eye, giving her an infuriating blind spot).

But Dale's lifelong love has been bowling.  When his eyesight began fading, so did his frequency at the bowling alley, and eventually he stopped completely, convinced that without sight, there was nothing left for him to enjoy.

(I can't fault him.  I CAN see and the best I have ever bowled is a 19.  Shut up.)

Well, through the encouragement of his sister, he began going back to the lanes, where he now bowls upwards of 6 games a week, relying on sound, friends, and the raised dots on the lanes for ball guidance.

And this past week, this blind senior citizen, who once gave up his love ... bowled a perfect game.

That's right.  12 straight strikes, a feat he had never come close to as a younger man with two functioning eyeballs.

So the next time you think you can't jog around the block, paint a picture, or learn a new skill - think of Dale.

I always tell my girls that "Attitude is half the battle." 

Dale just proved me right.

A Hairy Situation

You gotta love a funny email on a Friday morning...

Mary Ellen sent this one to me, and while we don't know who the originator is, my God, is it funny.

For anyone who has ever watched a Nads informercial, or contemplated the easy instructions on the back of a wax strip kit at the drugstore, take it from one who has been there, screamed that:

Attempting to give yourself a Brazilian insures that your voice will be heard as far south as Brazil.  Seriously, I have inflicted pain upon my nether regions that has resulted in me actually seeing visions...

Enjoy...

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hair Removal...

(I don't have a clue as to who wrote this, but....WHAT A RIOT!)

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the
wax. Read on.........

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in
my mind for the next few hours:

'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.' So I
headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you
just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel
them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull
the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I
am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so
I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.

('Cold wax,' yeah..right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the
skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward
body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using
the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my
bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to
the inside of my butt cheek (it *was* a long strip) I inhale deeply and
brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!


I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and
spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay
conscious.

Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused
me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in
the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip.
There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the
hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am
touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I
need to do something. So I put my foot down

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may
pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand
into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax
should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of
the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold
wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented
myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few
months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter
'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal
but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly
where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown
and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the
wax off with a razor . Nothing feels better than to have your girlie
goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot
water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm
pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this
event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I
really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my
friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!! It works!!'

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I
successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief
and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I
could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color...

American Idol Results Recap, Wednesday, May 7: Jason Castro’s Fourth Place Finish, Not A DREADful Ending For Him At All

With the lights low and the music throbbing, Ryan and his current mini dunce cap of a hairdo passed the diagonally positioned Idols and addressed viewers, "It was one of our most dramatic shows yet..."

At which point, I wondered if they were somehow accidentally re-running the results show from the week Brooke restarted her entire song.

"One of our most dramatic shows yet?"

Maybe one of our most Dramamine necessitating shows yet.

I mean, come on – with the exception of Jason goofily fudging a line, and Paula being humbled by a UFsOul sighting, last night was far from drama-laden.

But T.I.A.I. – Home of the Whopper in terms of cheese and greasy filler.

Ryan gave a "Huge thank you" to viewers for nearly 51 million votes last night – not sure how loose their definition of "nearly" is.

I suspect it would be like me saying I nearly won $150 million dollars because I drove past a 7-11 and thought about a lottery ticket.

I nearly had sex with Brad Pitt because I watched Ocean’s Eleven on cable last week.

I nearly won the Indy 500 because I know how to drive a car.

But I digress...

A quick hello to the judges – Randy borrowing one of Simon’s boring gray sweaters; Paula who just time-warped in from a 1983 prom – all decked out in a one poofy shouldered black lace gown with a nude fabric liner, mini oil funnels hanging from her ears; Simon looked stunning in yet another black sweater.

His hair was freshly landscaped, and loved the lawnmower stripe right down the middle.

Ryan then asked Randy if he still stood by his scathing critique of Syesha from last night?

"Yes, I stand by what I saw in the vocal."

And I sit by what I heard in the dancing, Randy.

Paula took credit for the tears on Sy’s face saying, "I gave Syesha her moment of recognition."

You know, Paula, I think the viewers who have kept her alive to this point would like a skosh of credit for her "recognition".

Then it was time for the GROUP SONG, a completely phoned in rendition of Reeling In The Years.

Puppy totally missed the intro and skidded in a couple beats too late, frantically trying to catch up, Syesha picked it up a tad, then they all did the white man shuffle from side to side as their voices completely disappeared on the chorus.

Seriously, where did they go? I actually saw a team of investigators with bloodhounds on the sides of the stage looking for them.

Oh wait – they’re back. Jason took over and his one line was pretty decent, David C infused a little life, and then POOF!. Gone. Voices vanished like a fart in the wind again.

The only truly entertaining part was when the doors parted and the Guitar Player Who Shall Be Nameless (really, give the dude some credit, guys. What’s his name?) came out and did a ten second solo.

I’ve never been so happy for a commercial break since, well, since the last GROUP SONG.

We returned to go straight into a video recap of last night’s performances. My only observation – Syesha’s incredibly shrinking dress almost turned into an FCC violation.

Back LIVE, Ryan got down to some results, calling Puppy out first. Oh, gee, hyperventilate, hyperventilate, what IS going to happen?!?

Someone get me a paper bag to breathe into!

Ryan wasted some time chatting with little Aren’tchuevergonnaletmesweat?. David babbled unconvincingly about "feeling nervous", giggled, licked his lips, lost his breath, and finally Ryan told him what he, we, hell, even my dog, knew – he was SAFE.

Go sit down and be ashamed you’ve had such an easy ride in the flashy Pimpmobile this season, David.

Ryan then tried to get the booth to put up a few photos of last year’s Final Three doing the Hometown-Keys-To-The-City thing, but someone was asleep at the switch. No luck. So he settled for a shot of the kids backstage waiting as he sent us to another break . Jason goofed it up for the cameras – a complete contradiction to Ryan’s attempt at drama.

He clearly doesn’t give a rat’s keister. Good for him. Kind of nice to see one of them not soiling themselves over this whole charade.

After the break, we got to watch footage of the kids being flown, via private 737, to Las Vegas last weekend. My favorite shot? Jason lying on the bed and saying, "sleeping in the sky .. coo-ool."

At this point in the competition, I’d say sleeping at all is pretty coo-ool.

They landed at the airport and AI – ever the hyperbole machine – tried to use Beatles arriving in America footage to equate the excitement caused by the Idols. Sorry – that was more than a little ridiculous.

And at the Mirage, while I’m sure there were a fair number of fans, they kept all the shots tight to consolidate and intensify the "mayhem".

At the resort, the kids got to play with some dolphins, then spent some time in the salon getting coiffed, manicured, and primped to go see Cirque du Soleil’s performance of The Beatles LOVE.

I’m a huge Cirque fan, so I can’t wait to get out there to take it in. Watching people so incredibly fit, strong, and talented fling one another through the air, catching each other in their teeth by their eyelashes is a humbling sight.

Back on stage, Ryan then called out David C, who admitted that last night was not his best, that his "head was in the wrong place."

No matter. It could have been crammed up his exit door for all we care – he’s SAFE too.

Ryan then called Syesha and Jason to center stage, and launched into, "The person who leaves us tonight on American Idol ..."

Jason seemed as confused / excited (exfused?) as we were. It’s over! Already? He asked, "Are you going to tell them right now?’

Um no, Jason. That would be the merciful approach, and the AI deities are not benevolent gods. We must first be flogged with feral cats, walk on hot coals, be water boarded, and forced to make a naked pyramid – then they will put us out of our misery.

We returned from the break to a showing of The Three Amigos.

Oh wait, sorry, it was the Vommercial, heavy on the VOM.

This one was set to Ring of Fire, and had the kids dressed as performers in the Basque version of Sgt Pepper.

OK, really they were dressed as matadors (if the Teletubbies were bullfighters) in bright purple, green, red, and blue (yes, I know none of the Teletubbies was blue – work with me, people) who were fighting ... a Ford Mustang.

Yes, bullfighters taunting a "horse".

You just have to believe David C, at least, went ‘oh, hell to the NO’ when he first saw the costumes.

O’lame!

O’goodie! It’s time for the Fan Questions – your thought provoking, soul searching, time wasting queries from across the country.

First up, Emily, 24, of Pennsylvania wanting to know if David will go out with her when Idol Live is in town on her birthday?

David was visibly uncomfortable, and muttered, "We’ll see.", but Ryan’s Escort Service promised to get her number and hook them up.

Sara, 14, of Indiana asked them all what has been the biggest challenge they have overcome?

Syesha: "Stage fright"

Puppy: "Uh, I dunno. Sorry."

Jason: "Brain being dead."

THIS is riveting TV. THIS is why I recap. I cannot wait to see them on the interview circuit.

Allison, 25, of South Carolina asked Simon why he has not been knighted by the Queen?

He replied that he asks himself that on a daily basis and asked Her Majesty "if she’s watching" (yes, the Queen is a big fan of AI and Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?) to consider him.

Mara, 13, of Pennsylvania asked Syesha how she feels about being the only girl in the Top 4?  Syesha rambled on about being "very proud" but a little "uncomfortable" in the last vommercial. Yes, those pants were very tight.

Teresa, 42, of Michigan asked if they have gotten any feedback from the artists whose songs they have performed?

Well, you mean, aside from all the artists whose songs they have been forced to perform? Yes, David C did hear back from someone in Our Lady Peace who was "gracious" that David had done their song Innocent.

One final question from Marla, 45, in Ohio who put her two cents in towards Simon being the next James Bond. Yes, I do believe he could do the whole "shaken, not stirred" thing to perfection, Marla.

As with the whole knighting issue, Simon left it with "I’m available."

Ryan then welcomed back Maroon 5, on stage to pimp their upcoming tour and sing their latest single, If I Never See Your Face Again.

Good lord, Adam Levine has been studying at the Kristy Lee Cook School of Performance. Could that stance have gotten any more wide legged without his skinny pants splitting right up the middle?

I’m a Maroon 5 fan – love Wake Up Call, Won’t Go Home Without You, etc, but this one was kind of "Eh". Maybe it’s better when he has Rhianna to sing with?

Ryan then man hugged Adam who declared that the summer tour would be going to "Europe...San Antonio..." A true world wide affair...

Another break and Ryan sat with the kids on the couch to watch Season 4 also-ran, Bo Bice, perform Witness from his album See The Light.

He emerged from backstage in a solar flare, playing the guitar, his hair flowing like a follicular river over his shoulders and down his back.

You know, the song was fine, but I really liked remembering why I always enjoyed Bo. His smile, his self assurance in knowing who he is, his firm, yet gentle way with Matilda...

He Framptoned it up a bit midsong with a talk box, then it was over with one final flip of his shiny locks.

He gave his input on the contestants being able to use instruments this season: "some risks", "some played behind the instruments a little too much." Then gave his sage advice to the kids to "practice, practice, practice" before plugging his album one last time, and informing us that he has plugged his wife again – they are expecting little boy #2.

One more break and we finally returned to Syesha and Jason at center stage with Ryan.

As Ryan recapped their performances and judges’ critiques, Jason smiled throughout, even joking that he had packed his suitcase already. "Someone told me I shot the Tambourine Man yesterday."

He then admitted when asked, that his "inexperience is coming in."

What’s this!??! HONESTY? Catch me, I’m falling.

Syesha, when asked about her facial Niagra last night, spoke of her "dream", the possibilities of the "first female president, first black president", world peace, The Iraq...

Ryan then ripped the band-aid off, but there really was no boo boo underneath – Jason was going home, Syesha was Safe.

Big hug for, and from, Jason, and then they rolled his tape. It’s evident that he has kept a sense of humor throughout the entire process. No illusions of being the next Timberlake or Usher, just a goofy, laid back, grounded dude.

Loved his line before he sang that he was happy he doesn’t have to sing three songs next week.

He then happily dug into I Shot The Sheriff and he was the first contestant who seemed truly happy to be signing off. No tears, no angst, no choking on emotion, in fact, he sounded freer and lighter than ever as he flipped his dreads to and fro.

He was absolutely relieved. And why not? Fourth place, a summer tour, lots of admirers – nothing to dread about his future at all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Interesting video snippet making the rounds from Tuesday night.  Jason appears to be mouthing "DON'T VOTE" as Ryan reads his phone numbers...

Vive La French?

Always on the cutting edge, still cranking out dance tunes, filling stadiums, attracting A-list duet partners, and creating buzz...

MADONNA.

Her latest radioverplayed hit, 4 Minutes To Save The World, with Justin Timberlake continues to drive the charts.

But it may take a little more than 4 minutes to drive home an explanation to her kids about this stunt during a concert in France.

With a bottle of champagne in one hand, and a young French female fan firmly held by the hair in the other, Madonna (according to all reports and photos) swapped spit during a concert.

Stunt?  Plant?  Reminiscing about kissing Britney back in the day?  Who knows.

According to the Sydney Morning Herald, the 50-year-old Madonna said she's "always drawn to working with French people - and frenching French people...Vive la France!"

Personally, I wish she'd just sing.  But then, I realize I am just zee ignorant American!

Mon Dieu!

Mea Gulpa

Wow.

No, seriously, WOW.

I promise, just as soon as I pick up a new donut ring at Walgreens this morning (having a new a-hole ripped is a tad painful), I will tenderly place it, and my newly aerated caboose, into my living room chair and rededicate myself to a real recap of last night's episode of American Idol.

Seriously, how dare I, when you consider all the money I am paid to write these recaps...

Oh wait.

But really, how I could let down you people who pay for a subscription to the blog...

Hmmm.  No...wait.  I don't charge anything for access...

And my advertisers!  Good lord, they place their herbal Viagra, Asian porn, NetFlix, and refinancing ads here based on the content continuing to draw in...

Well, hold up.  No pop-up ads in the way either...

So, no salary, no subscription cheese, no ad revenue.  Why the hell do I write these things again?

Oh yeah - FOR THE FUN OF IT.

Look - to those who feel so severely let down, hosed, cheated on, and abused by my tongue-in-cheek recap of what we all seem to agree has been a complete snoozefestival of a season - MEA CULPA.

It wasn't a cop out, a cakewalk, or a way to get off the hook - I sat in this chair just as long as usual.

It was simply an attempt to keep my own brain from leaking out my ear and ruining another good t-shirt.

As indicated by the completely rude comments being left this morning, I was obviously wrong, have sinned, and shall spend the morning doing penance by rewatching the show and taking exhaustive notes.

Again, I'm sorry, and I rePETE, it won't happen again.

(One small pearl of perspective:  100,000 dead in Myanmar.  Panties in a wad over a stupid AI recap.)

American Idol Results Recap, Wednesday, May 7: Nothing DREADful About This Outcome

One of my favorite Dr. Seuess tomes is The Lorax.

It is a book about being green before it was cool to be green.

It was about the environment, but the bigger message is about not squandering a good thing when you have it. About caring, nurturing, making smart choices, cherishing.

It is a cautionary tale of what happens when people are selfish. Taking more, more, more. Abusing trust, disregarding faith, laughing at loyalty.

The result is that a once vibrant landscape goes dark, dismal, uninteresting, bleak.

Not a hard stretch to think the Lorax could be talking to Nigel Lithgoe and company, in a story called The Bore-ax, huh?

American Idol, once vibrant, innovative, exciting, and the fodder of watercoolers everywhere, has faded. It has been pillaged, stripped for parts, sucked dry of its once youthful naivete’ and enthusiasm.

In its place are product placements galore, infomercial length results shows, "more filling, tastes like crap", and a complete disregard for the viewing public.

The landscape is bleak, boring. The only thing even resembling the Loraxian Truffula tree is Paula’s head when fully extensioned and poofed.

Down 7 million viewers from last season, reality TV "experts" everywhere have been sounding the death knell for AI all season. And even show insiders admit they are frantically trying to come up with ways to tweak it for next season, to make it grow again, make it vibrant, alive.

Good luck.

The viewers are not stupid, Nigel. We’ve been screaming "abuse" all season long. But I guess our protests are drowned out by the cash register bells. But be warned: those DVRs are working overtime recording AI and then fast forwarding through the overwhelming bad and boring to get to the three seconds of remotely interesting on Wednesday nights.

So Nigel and Co, to paraphrase the Lorax, Unless someone cares a whole awful lot, things aren’t going to get better. They’re not.

And maybe, just maybe, that someone has to be me...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dressed in a tie dyed unitard the likes of which Freddie Mercury never even attempted, Ryan and his fauxhawk somberly faced the camera and intoned, "You people out in TV land ... we have you by the short curlies. You are addicts. We are your dealers. So sit back, relax, and drink the Kool-aid for the next hour because there’s not a damned thing you can do about it."

The contestants smiled awkwardly, even Jason who appeared on stage with his suitcase in hand. Did you notice Syesha checking out Ryan’s package? Puppy appeared to have slathered on a pound of Bonne Belle’s finest (we said CHAPSTICK, David, not lip gloss) And what was up with David Cook rearranging the furniture on national TV?

Oh well, you gotta love a live show.

A quick hello to the judges: Randy dressed in a purple crushed velvet suit with zebra trim, and a knuckle ring that spelled out BAZINGA in Swarovski crystals; Paula, her hair actually on fire, was wearing a combination of Saran Wrap and duct tape, and had a dog collar around her neck attached to a leash being held by Simon, who was, predictably wearing black ... underwear.

Ryan then rode across the stage on a unicycle and intro’d the GROUP SONG, a medley of tunes from the Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame: David C got things started with Highway to Hell, they all segued into We Gotta Get Out of This Place, Jason went solo on Help!, Syesha got her freak on with Psychotic Reaction, and then Puppy finished things up with a rousing version of In-a-gadda-da-vida.

It was actually an amazing performance (not just because they used that Elvis Presley technology to have holographic images of Buddy Holly, Twyla Tharp, Gary Busey, Cliff Huxtable (he’s a great dancer), and Kurt Cobain interact with the kids) but especially when the Bay City Rollers were spotted singing back up, and Matthew McConaughey was shown playing the naked bongos behind Ricky Minor. And believe me, Ricky is far too minor to completely cover up Matt’s MAJOR, um, instrument.

AFTER. THE. BREAK we returned to Ryan sitting in Barbara Bush’s lap in the audience as he pimped iTunes and the ability to not only download all the Idol performances, but his sex romp with Lenny & Squiggy from Laverne & Shirley.

A video recap of last evening followed, but thankfully, my remote’s batteries were brand new, so I nearly sprained an eyeball as the images flew past on the screen.

Needing to fill a lot of time, Ryan began the results process by first calling out Fred Derfmyer. I don’t know who he is either. But after discussing his shower performance of Little Red Corvette, Ryan sent him back to the safety of his couch in Boonswoggle, Kentucky.

Puppy was then called out on to the stage. They chatted about his performances from last night, asked Randy if his favorite color was red or aubergine, then made little David blush by asking if he ever thought about Kentucky Fried Chicken gravy in a deviant manner.

David left a little wet spot on the stage, he was so relieved to be told he was SAFE – again.

WHOA. Did you catch that shot of his father in the audience in the goofy beret? I swear he was holding a cattle prod and a taser gun as he stared at David. Poor kid.

Ryan then did a cartwheel and intro’d the video promo for So You Think You Can Prance?, Fox’s upcoming summer program which follows twenty five Clydesdales as they vie for a $100,000 grand prize, a Ford Hybrid, fifty seven pounds of fresh carrots, and a spot in an upcoming Anheuser Busch commercial.

Looks like a winner! Set those TIVOs now!

Back on stage, Ryan had Randy present the winner of the Coca Cola toilet plunger design contest. It was amazing. Chris Gedalife from Sasquatinpot, Ohio completely managed to incorporate both the Coke logo and Paula’s face onto the rubber plunger portion. Amazing.

Another break and we returned to see that David Cook was already asleep over on the Safety Sofas. I guess that’s no big deal, it’s not like anyone thought he was going home or anything. He’s kind of cute when he’s asleep, although there was that tiny drool pool hanging from his bottom lip.

With mountains of time to scale, Ryan then emerged in a peacock costume and introduced Juggy McGee and The Low Hangin’ Knockers to sing their hit song, One Hangs Lopsided So My Underbritches Fit Funny.

It was a rousing romp, especially when Randy joined in on the juice harp, and they gave Paula a washboard. It’s no secret that Simon hates country music, but even he was tapping his toes.

Another commercial break to fund Nigel’s purchase of Tahiti, and we returned to probably the best Vommercial I have ever seen. And you people know how I hate these.

This one was done to the song Rockin' Pneumonia and the Boogie-Woogie Flu, and featured a medical theme. Puppy played an intern, Dreads worked in the pharmacy, and David Cook was Dr. Luv scamming on nurse Syesha. Loved the cameo of Katie Couric getting a colonoscopy as Puppy danced around with an enema bag.

How do they come up with these things every week, I ask you?

With more time to fill, we then had to endure the Fan Calls portion of the show.

First up, Brandon Terwilliger, 34, of Rhode Island asking Jason how long he should boil eggs if he wants them hard boiled. Jason’s a sport, and an obvious culinarian – place the eggs in a pot, cover with water, turn the stove on high till the water boils, then turn off the heat, cover the pan, and wait 20 minutes.

Next question was from Marcia Brady, 15, of California asking Ryan if anyone had turned in a tube containing some very important architectural drawings they lost at King’s Island. No luck, but Ryan promised to keep an eye out for them.

Dan Knutsaq, 21, of Aureole, Nebraska (town motto: Colder Than A Witch’s Tit) had a question for Paula. Would she ever consider dating a man who wasn’t in the entertainment industry and who enjoys films on animal husbandry? She blabbered on about loving animals, too, and how puppies, butterflies, Scotch tape, and a person’s soul are the keys to a solid relationship.

Dan hung up.

Finally, the last question was posed by Tom Phulery, 65, of Ann Arbor. It was simple, "WTF?"

Ryan, ever the witty one replied, "That’s a rhetorical question, right?"

Another break and Ryan hung from a trapeze while introducing returning Idol, Bo Bice who played his guitar and starred in his very own V05 commercial. GREAT product placement, and let’s be honest here. Who among us wouldn’t kill to have hair as shiny, long, and split end free as Bo Bice?

Loved that screensaver background! Did you see it? It happened really fast, so go back and rewind – you can see Fonzie clearly jumping the shark!

But back to the results...

Ryan asked the remaining contestants to come out on stage, and Syesha pushed Jason out in a wheelbarrow.

He recapped last night’s performances, the judges’ critiques, and asked Syesha why she had been so emotional. Talk about a pageant answer – it included everything but maps and The Iraq.

He then asked Jason about forgetting his lyrics, but Jason was busy playing Nintendogs on his DS. Come on, can’t this guy take it seriously for even two seconds?

Ryan asked the judges for final thoughts:

Randy said, "I think I need to pee."

Paula added, "Follow your star, live your dream, and you can always pee in my cup."

Simon threw rocks at Jason.

With over 400 bagillion votes phoned and texted in, Ryan then did a leprechaun jig and announced that Jason had finally sucked the air out of a good lung and could go back to his real life of staring into space and rolling his eyes.

They then played his journey tape, and I still cannot understand how he ever made it to the final four. Ever. Ever ever ever ever ever.

Oh well, he added variety, a little dash of this, a tiny dash of that. He definitely wasn’t cookie cutter or run of the million who turn out to audition with their perfect coifs, slick clothing, and bombastic sound. No, Jason gave us quiet simplicity. He gave us goofy self deprecating grins. He gave us .. wait, hey, where did Jason go?

I guess he really did want to leave. Nice to finally see a contestant not dread results night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sorry kids, but sometimes even my ability to sit and endure AI is pushed to the limits. :O)

Oh well, like I said, given how completely boring these results show have been, someone has to care a whole awful lot or things aren’t going to get better – they’re just NOT. 

What A Load Of Crop

If you ever feel tragically unperfect when staring at the cover of a magazine, a CD case, a movie poster, etc - wondering why you don't have flawless skin, perfect teeth, lithe, supple arms, a whittled waist, and full, Pantene lovely locks, there's a reason:

You live in the real world.

All those celebrities and models live in the Land of the Photoshopped & Cropped.

Think not?  Just watch...and laugh.  Laugh lines are sexy.