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DGMS Travel Gnome

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    Welcome to the DGMS Travel Gnome Photo Album! Enjoy this little guy's world travels - some far afield, some right in your own backyard!

July 2008

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« April 20, 2008 - April 26, 2008 | Main | May 4, 2008 - May 10, 2008 »

Friday, May 02, 2008

Catablog

Not a day goes by that my mailbox is not gifted with at least three catalogs.

Seriously, I weep for the trees that give their lives so I may be solicited to buy the latest cashmere turtleneck from J.Jill, ubercool speakers from Sharper Image, the hottest summer fashions from Spiegel, Boston Proper, and Newport News, or a bottle of vitamins and a discreet vibrator from Time For Me.

While I recycle the majority, some I keep around for perusing when I'm bored - they make great toilet reading, or in the carpool line where I spend half my life waiting for my children.

There are always a few on the kitchen table, too.  The kids like looking through them for obscenely expensive birthday gift ideas like the six foot see through ball you can get inside and use to walk on water.  Yes, you can imitate the miracles of Jesus for the bargain price of only $274.95!

Walkwater1

Last evening, while enjoying her bowl of ice cream, Carson was flipping through the latest from Hammacher Schlemmer (in case you ever wondered, that's German for (Items Which Cost Too %$^!# Much).  And she found this:

Pet_porthole

The Pet Porthole. $29.95.

I laughed.

What the hell?  Seriously, do I have a backyard or a submarine?

The pitch is that by installing a pet porthole - which only requires cutting a large hole into your (and your neighbor's) fence-  you can instantly satisfy your dog's curiosity about what's "out there".

Of course, it's much better to install at least THREE of them so Fido has an "unfettered view of its surroundings."

Look, I love my dog and all, but our fenced backyard is for her pooping, peeing, and fetching pleasure, not so she can play Captain Nemo and watch my eldery neighbors prune their shrubs.

What's your favorite (read: most assinine) product in the catalogs you receive?

Doody Is In The Eye Of The Beholder

It's long been said that one person's trash is another person's treasure.

I believe that.

I mean, eBay - the world's largest garage sale - was founded on the concept of someone, somewhere on this big blue orb being willing to pay a premium to add a vintage, purple, limited edition troll doll to their extensive collection of vintage, purple, limited edition troll dolls.

Collectors of objects are a funny lot.  They are passionate, they are focused - almost tunnel visioned - in their quest to find.

Whether it's Sotheby's worthy items like rare Faberge' eggs, wine, Picasso's finest, stamps, old money, Civil War memorabilia, or Titanic artifacts ... or everyday pieces like Slinkies, Precious Moments figures, shot glasses, Star Wars posters, or foam fingers from sports teams (don't laugh - Carson's room is a one fingered shrine to every event she has ever attended), there is someone out there who is hording collecting.

I "get" bidding on gems.  I understand a harmless (and inexpensive) passion like spoons from every state or country.  I even understand the impulse to want to mortgage your home to land some Home Run baseball.  (I think it's stupid, but I understand passion is not to be reasoned with.) 

Sometimes, however, an item hits the auction block that really makes me want to raise my paddle - only on it would not be a bidding number.  No, it would be emblazoned with the letters WTF?!?!

Allow me to present Exhibit A...

Poop

Rocks, you ask?  Petrified chicken nuggets, perhaps?  A piece of the Berlin Wall (that one on the right looks like it has some grafitti)?

No.

It's rock solid alright.  And perhaps one of the components may have been chickenesque in nature ( a chicken with spines, a large beak, girthy legs, and hundreds of teeth, maybe.)  No grafitti though.

What you are looking at, my friends, is Jurassic-era dinosaur poop. 

Three pounds of it.  (No wonder my pants don't fit when I'm constipated.)

Auction house, Bonham's New York, recently had this item up for bid, estimating it would fetch somewhere between $350-$450.

Try twice that.

Yes, a businessman in Ohio purchased the poo for $960.

I have only one thing to say about that.  If Rudy ever squandered nearly a thousand dollars on shit?  The fan wouldn't be the only thing being hit with it.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Promdom Dress

Ahhhh, spring.  Flowers, birdies, warm breezes, and stores full of prom dresses.

Yes, it's Prom season, and many parents worry about the "romantic" component.  While not every teen is out to "lose it" or "use it" on Prom night, here's a dress for the parent who truly encourages SAFE SEX to his/her daughter.

Condom_dress

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

American Idol Results Recap, Wednesday, April 30: Brooke White, You Don’t Bring Me Flowers (or Votes) Anymore...

Well, leave it to old Paula Abfool to get people talking about American Idol when they were all but nodding off to sleep or opting for Wheel of Fortune reruns when it came on.

In the space of one hour, she, her lopsided hair and brothel worthy dress, and her inability to even get Syesha’s name right made everyone in TV land sit up, take notice, and say, "I’d like to buy a howl, please."

Face it, with rare exception (read: David Cook and Paula) it’s been a boring season.

Too full of seasoned performers. (I want to see contestants who are salivating for this kind of chance. Not kids so prepackaged they all but come with a cellophane wrapper and liner notes.)

Overrun with predictable performances. (Come on – Puppy, Jason, and Brooke have more than proven that even though they have decent voices, they are one trick ponies when it comes to song choices and presentation.)

Judges’ critiques which are only missing purple velvet hats with feathers, gold front teeth, and platform shoes with live goldfish in the heels. (You figure that out.)

It’s been one long infomercial. (And if you call now, we’ll treble this offer! You’ll not only get Mariah Carey’s, Neil Diamond’s, and Dolly Parton’s latest releases, but we’ll throw in TWO Hercules Hooks, a jug of KaBOOM!, and a jumbo sized ShamWOW! Operators are standing by!)

What happened with Paula last night has been up for debate all day. Yes, the AI spinmeisters were out in full force this morning – releasing statements, having Seacrest make it Topic One on his radio show, having Paula call in to shows around the country.

They would have everyone believe her erratic, nonsensical, can’t-keep-my-head-above-water-even-with-these-chest-pontoons behavior was a result of last minute format changes.

I’m not buying. (I have to save my pennies for one of those AMAZING ShamWOWS.)

Simon has been on the record too many times before about listening/watching the dress rehearsals and not even paying attention during the actual performances. He routinely says he can hardly hear them, and can often be seen chatting it up with the other judges.

I fall into the camp of She-Read-Her-Notes-From-Dress-Rehearsals and the larger camp of Paula-Abdul-Is-A-Seriously-Hot-Mess.

So the mid-performance mini-critique was a surprise? BFD. Randy and Simon rolled just fine. She acted like she was thrust into a Top Chef quickfire and asked to make a gourmet souffle’ out of grass, dirt, feces, and egg whites in 30 seconds.

Whatever version of events you choose to believe, one thing is certain, she certainly perked up a show that was quickly heading towards a toetag and trip to the morgue.

So, I for one would like to say, "Thank you, Paula. Long may your freak flag wave."

Now, onto the recap...

~~~~~~~~~~~~

As the camera panned across the five remaining kids, Ryan reminded us that "These faces have been on your screens for over three months and you know more about these contestants than any other season."

Yes, but mostly because AI has loosened its kung foo grip on the contestants during this season. In seasons past, the kids were kept under wraps, guarded, not given access to computers, reporters, etc. Now, suddenly, not a day goes by without a new interview or photo shoot being available across the web.

Frankly, it’s better this way. They are in a pop culture contest, they need exposure. They don’t need Cheney-ed to an undisclosed location in between shows.

A quick howdy-do to the judges, Randy wearing his Garanimal sweater and matching beads; Paula working the innocent little girl look in her headband and Little House On The Scary demure dress. Yes, you’re just like Half Pint, Paula. Half Pint of vodka, maybe. Simon was kicked back in a comfy gray sweater.

Well, with only five contestants left, and an entire hour to fill, you just knew it was going to be a craptastic night. More filler than a Ballpark Frank factory.

Kicking off the Green Mile we all had to walk was THE GROUP SONG – a tribute to Neil Diamond. Dreads started with Cracklin’ Rosie, and you know what? Had he sung that song, that way last night? Oh well, no crying over spilt opportunities.

Puppy picked up the song, as awkwardly as a nursing home resident picking up a barbell, then he was flanked by Syesha and Brooke auditioning for roles in the next Austin Powers movie. Icky, baybay.

Finally David C took over, and like every GROUP SONG, pumped some life into the proceedings. But of course, B&S (interpret that as you will) took over for Song Sung Blue and spent all of their time frantically searching for their lower register. It wasn’t just misplaced, it had fallen down a well and wasn’t coming out. Then the entire thing slid into the septic tank as Puppy took on Brother Love’s Travelin’ Salvation Show.

The kid is just one big ball of discomfort. And don’t tell me it’s because he is only 17. There have been plenty of teens on this show who know how to sell a song – Paris Bennett, Jordin Sparks, hell, even Mikalah Gordon was funner to watch. For as many years as Puppy has been doing this, he should not look like his feet are stuck in pools of molasses, and he should be able to work a crowd better than this.

It’s getting old. Give him his Disney show and let us all move on.

David C roared back in with feeling and fun and brought some much need salvation to Little Brother Love’s efforts. And then AMEN! It was over.

After the first of many breaks, Ryan was in the audience to waste time and mess up my TV screen with Constantine Smarmoulis. He was joined by Gina Glockson, his cohost on AI Extra – the behind-the-scenes show for all AI gossip, interviews, etc.

Ryan asked Connie to give "the look" and he did, smearing my plasma and oozing so much that he left a stain on my carpet.

Finally! The recap of last night’s performances! I say FINALLY! because I was finally able to FF. Heck, forget FF, I hit that button so hard that I TW – Time Warped - through it.

Back on stage, Ryan then confronted the gossip swirling around all day about dear, sweet, misunderstood, much maligned Paula. He stressed, "She’s part of our family and we love her."

(You know, Ryan, we all have a relative in our family trees whom we love, too, but whose branch we are not too inclined to share.)

Kisses and love flowed at the judges’ table – it was all very sweet, Paula’s eyes glistened (more than usual), and then Ryan had to add, "and I think Simon still wants to hook up with her."

Nice.

Way to drop trou and take a big steamy dump on a moment, Ryan. You’re a clASSy guy.

Time for some results...

Jason was called out first, and strolled with his same easy going, casual demeanor - just another day to him. Well, not really, because despite what should have happened, he was SAFE. So for him it turned out to be a banner day.

Out next was Puppy, sheepish, scuffling. Well, color me DUH – he was SAFE. But the out of breath, shocked, relieved expression on his face and in his mannerisms as he walked to the couch were over the top. He’s either scared to death that he will get beaten to death with a microphone stand by his father if he gets voted off, or he’s quite the little actor.

Going to the break, they showed the remaining three backstage – Syesha, Brooke, and David C. Um gee, whatever could be in the offing?

It was at this point that the show got entirely too long for me. I want it on the record that I took one for the team and did not give in to my impulse to fast forward through anything from this point. But, oh, how I wanted to...

Back from break, we were treated to more visual Stovetop as they ran a tape pimping the upcoming season of So You Think You Can Dance. Look, I love that show and am completely humbled by the superhuman, sometimes inhuman abilities those dancers demonstrate (I have trouble bending over to tie my shoes in the morning), but can we get back to American Idol. PLEEEEEEASE.

No, I guess not. We have to allow Ranna White the chance to show off the winning Coke Cup design! Ranna, I’d like to guess the puzzle, please. THIS SHOW SUCKS THE SWEAT OFF A DEAD MAN’S UNDERCARRIAGE.

David Cook was then called out – worthless chat – he’s SAFE. Insert sound of nation yawning.

And so Syesha and Brooke walked out together. Syesha wearing what looked like a dirty sheet; Brooke in a modest black dress with a tangram puzzle holding it together in the middle.

But, this being a three hour cruise, Gilligan, we couldn’t have the results just yet. Off to the couches for a half hour for them.

After the break, Natasha Bedingfield was introduced to sing the only song to give Bleeding Love a run for its radio money in terms of being played to death: Pocketful Of Sunshine.

Like Leona Lewis, Natasha is nice to look at, can’t dance, can sing, and rode my last nerve because I simply couldn’t care less. These results shows are like being held hostage in a prison movie.  And they're long enough that one could actuially pull a Shawshank and tunnel out before the end.

When she was done, Ryan bid her adieu, but she had to run across the stage to kiss David – anyone notice how David C stood up? Yeah, David, don’t worry, I thought she meant you, too. She didn’t. She planted herself right next to Puppy and kissed his bright red face, and prompted by Ryan, said she would go to his prom with him if he wanted.

Oh, the hijinks and hilarity! At this point, I actually started watching my cats sniff each other’s butts because it was infinitely more interesting than this show.

Hour 617 of our captivity...

THE PHONE CALLS.

Allow me to condense...

Michael, 10, asked Paula why she always gives the contestants a break, she blathered on about what they are doing being difficult so she wants to "keep their dreams alive", code for lies to them; Miranda queried Paula about any additional videos with Randy Jackson in the works? Lame comment, yes, when he becomes an animated cat ... or dawg.; Tara, 46 takes Simon on a walk down memory lane. She’s his first kiss, back when he was nine, and wants to know if Paula is a better kisser, or is she?

OK, sweet that he remembered the woman’s name – Tara Miller. But Ryan had to soil it with "Is Simon a good kisser?" Tara hesitated and Paula jumped in to ask her, "Are you over the rabies?"

Gee Paula, I’m surprised he’s sitting up straight. Even five seasons ago, one swipe of your compromised saliva was enough to send a person to Betty Ford for extended drug rehab.

Are we even on the insults now?

Ryan, sage, wise, role model that he is, ended the segment with, "To all the kids watching, 9 years old is too young to kiss."

I see. But it’s not too young to sit through American Idol every week and be exposed to your constant stream of sexual innuendo and homophobic banter?

Thankfully a commercial break came along only to deliver us to a vommercial break in which the kids sang Catch The Wind, drove around in Hybrids, and magically transformed the world to green. Ahhhhhhhhhhh...

Finally it was time for the one thing that was redeeming about tonight’s show – well, at least to horny old farts like me: Neil Diamond.

Singing Pretty Amazing Grace from his upcoming album, he looked great, all man in black, leaving the sequins at home tonight. I agree, Neil – they work better in an arena setting.

I was enjoying the slow song until they pulled back enough to reveal the Children of the Corny waving their arms like windshield wipers on high. You just know Neil wanted to take that guitar and mow them down like weeds under a John Deere.

The song moved on, and yes, I know it was too slow and unrelatable for a large slice of the demographic pie. And when he got down, got funky with his geetar, my daughters about spurted milk through their noses, but I still enjoyed it. Neil's voice is as rich and alive as ever.

After he was finished, Ryan asked him why he keeps working, after all, he does have more money than God, right?: "I love it ... it’s fun."

As to whether he thought the judges were fair last night? "A little harsh once in a while, but generally pretty right on." He left the kids with the simple advice, "Stay with it if you love it. Don’t listen to what Simon says."

One more break and we finally saw light at the end of the tunnel – the actual results.

Syesha and Brooke came back to center stage, and Ryan wasted little time in announcing that Brooke’s turn on the merry-go-round was over.

Tears were immediate. She broke down on Ryan’s shoulder, then Syesha’s as they rolled her "journey tape".

It was all sweetness and light, and that word celebrities use all the time which I HATE: positivity. Yes, Brooke is grounded, sweet, a tad naive, and I still maintain she is not cut out for the deep end of the music industry pool. There are too many sharks, too many hidden reefs to navigate. She will go on to do something, of that I have no doubt. Someone will sign her to do what she loves – small, folksy, from the heart songs. And that’s not a bad thing at all. It’s who she is.

(Personally, I think Pantene needs to grab her immediately. That head of hair is to die for.)

Ryan then handed her the microphone and she thanked everyone before attempting to sing through her tears. She stumbled through, the kids joined her on stage for support, and yes, her lyrics to I Am, I Said were like daggers through her heart, especially, "leaving me lonely still."

Brooke, I don’t think lonely is a word that has ever, or will ever apply to you. You’ll see when you go on tour – you have a nation of people who may not have embraced you as their personal cup of musical tea, but who couldn’t help but be touched tonight by the honesty you left on the Idol stage.

Self Esqueam?

Next time you're fretting over your dark circles or having a bad hair day, here' s a  little something from Cloudzie to help keep things in perspective...

This little animal is called the Naked Mole-Rat and is from Africa.

Mole_rat_2

So if you are having a bad day and feeling sorry for yourself, remember:

You could look like a dick with buck teeth.

Name That Tune

DGMS regular Rebecca is hosting a bridal shower this coming weekend and she needs some help from the great minds here!

From Rebecca:

I found a game that I would really like to play which involves knowing lyrics to songs. I am absolutely terrible about knowing the CORRECT lyrics to songs. Therefore, I was hoping that you and your readers could help me.

I am looking for "love" songs (preferably not ones about breaking up) and need to know the name and the artist.

The gist of the game is that I will give the first line of a lyric and the shower attendees will give the next line. (There will be approximately 50 attendees, so I need as many songs as I can get.) I planned to give prizes to the people who get the most lyrics right.

I know how many music junkies hang out here, so let's see what we can do!  I'll pull them from the comments as you offer them up and add to the list below..

LOVE SONGS FOR REBECCA (or Rebecca's party, that is)

Lost In Love - Air Supply

Making Love Out of Nothing At All - Air Supply

Two Less Lonely People In The World - Air Supply

Open Arms - Journey

Faithfully - Journey

I Wanna Hold Your Hand - The Beatles

Up, Up and Away (In My Beautiful Balloon) - The 5th Dimension

Blueberry Hill - Fats Domino

Link to Top 100 Wedding Songs from Nesree!

When I Look Into Your Eyes - by Firehouse

When I See You Smile - by Bad English

Always and Forever - Heatwave

Endless Love - Lionel Ritchie and Diana Ross

The Things We Do For Love -10CC

When You Say Nothing At All - Keith Whitley

How Much I Feel - Ambrosia

Biggest Part Of Me - Ambrosia

Can't Smile Without You - Barry Manilow

Just The Way You Are - Billy Joel

You're The First, The Last, My Everyting - Barry White

Let Your Love Flow - The Bellamy Brothers

Stand By Me - Ben E. King

Wind Beneath My Wings - Bette Midler (or Gary Morris)

Crazy In Love - Beyonce

You've Made Me So Very Happy - Blood, Sweat & Tears

Thank You For Loving Me - Bon Jovi

If - Bread

Tunnel Of Love - Bruce Springsteen

Love Will Keep Us Together - The Captain & Tennille

Love of My Life - Carly Simon

Just You and Me - Chicago

You're The Inspiration - Chicago

One I Love - Coldplay T

ime After Time - Cyndi Lauper

Steady As We Go - Dave Matthews Band

That's Amore - Dean Martin

Ain't No Mountain High Enough - Diana Ross

I Will Always Love You - Dolly Parton (or Whitney Houston)

I Could Not Ask For More - Edwin McCain

Your Song - Elton John

Love Is The Answer - England Dan & John Ford Coley

We'll Never Have To Say Goodbye Again - England Dan & John Ford Coley

At Last - Etta James

I Cross My Heart - George Strait

The Power of Love - Huey Lewis & The News

How Sweet It Is - James Taylor

Love Will Never Do Without You - Janet Jackson

Time In A Bottle - Jim Croce

Annie's Song - John Denver

Stuck On You - Lionel Richie

Amazed - Lonestar

Unforgettable - Nat King Cole

You're Still The One - Orleans

Glory of Love - Peter Cetera

A Groovy Kind of Love - Phil Collins

Crazy Little Thing Called Love - Queen

You're My Best Friend - Queen

Have I Told You Lately - Rod Stewart

Truly Madly Deeply - Savage Garden

From This Moment On - Shania Twain

I Got You Babe - Sonny & Cher

Close To You - The Carpenters

We've Only Just Begun - The Carpenters

Hello, I Love You - The Doors

Happy Together - The Turtles

Crazy Love - Van Morrison

Silly Love Songs - Wings

Love & Marriage - Frank Sinatra

Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You - Frankie Valli

Talk Dirty to Me - Poison :O)

I Don't Want To Miss A Thing - Aerosmith

Color My World - Chicago

Wonderful Tonight - Eric Clapton

Yuong Love ~ The Judds

Truly - Lionel Richie

All I Want to Do is Make Love to You - Heart

Lady in Red - Chris DeBurgh

First Time - Styx

At This Moment - Billy Vera

Could I Have This Dance - Anne Murray

The Wedding Song - Paul Stuckey

Hello - Lionel Richie

Love Hurts - Nazareth :O(

You Light Up My Life - Debbie Boone

Here and Now - Luther Vandross

White Wedding - Billy Idol

Sweet Child 'o Mine -- Guns 'n Roses

When We Make Love - Alabama

I Want To Be Your Everything, Making Memories Of Us - Keith Urban

You Save Me - Kenny Chesney

Till A Tear Becomes A Rose - Keith Whitley & Lorrie Morgan

Like Red On A Rose - Alan Jackson

More Than Words - Extreme

Nothing's Gonna Stop us Now - Starship

Eternal Flame - Bangles

Always Be My Baby - David Cook :)

Now THIS Is A Winning Idol Song

Literally just stumbled upon this hilarious clip by comedians Rhett and Link.

I do believe Alexis Cohen's wish has been granted.  (Now, I'd love to hear David Cook sing this while covered in confetti on finals night...)

fUNappetizing

As a parent, I don't usually advocate playing with one's food, but in these cases I'll make an exception.

Thank you to Mary Lou for sending them my way!

Food_1

Too bad we can't get the real OJ to do this...

Food2

Now class, pay attention!  You're all being Baaaaaaad.

Food_3

Scariest thing since sliced bread?

Food_4

The latest performer at PotasSEAum WORLD

Food_5

Whistle while you squirt...

Food_6

WaterHELLion?

Food_7

Help!  I've been cut open and I can't fill up!

Food_8

Bread:  The Birkenstaff of life.

Food_9

One a penny, two a penny, hot cross palms.

Food_10

Roma-eo, Roma-eo, wherefore art thou, Roma-eo?

Food_11

This is totally illogical.

Food_12

An apple a day ... makes a really cool centerpiece.

Food_13

No yolking around - this one is just precious.   

Food_14

I like it when food has a little "bite" to it.

      

American Idol Recap, Tuesday, April 29: Yesterday’s Songs, Today’s Wrongs?

I always enjoy hearing from the people who stop by the blog. Love the opinions, the discussions, the sharing. It’s a kick to develop email friendships with people on the other side of the globe, get their take on world issues, celebrities, even American Idol.

Yes, this American staple is a huge hit even in countries where their own versions are on TV. In most countries, they are able to watch the American shows roughly one day after they have aired here.

I knew that. But it never dawned on me what changes might be made to the programming to make it a bit more interesting for the viewers who are following but who obviously cannot vote.

Well, thanks to DGMS regular Gayla, who is bi-continental with her British hubby (he is across the pond currently, she is here in the states), I now know that viewers in other countries (at least Great Britain) actually get MORE than we do!

They don’t get to vote, ergo they don’t care about watching the contestants do finger origami while Ryan rattles off their phone numbers. What goes on in place of that portion is pretty cool.

According to Gayla, waiting in the wings when each kid comes off after a performance, is none other than So You Think You Can Dance hostess, Kat Deely, who interviews each contestant on the spot.  (I had no idea.)

From Gayla’s email, "Getting an idea of what the contestant thought of their performances, etc, has made a difference in the presentation. It is like becoming their friends!!! Granted, we did not get to see it live - but it was only 1 day later - and the personal touch of the interviews made such a difference in getting to know and understand each performer's personality. It was awesome. This year, he has had the luxury of enjoying getting to know the contestants and I have had to suffer the lacking USA version. Fortunately, he has been recording them for me, but I truly wish I could have gotten to see that part this year with the performances as well."

What a difference that could make for some of them, huh? If Carly had been able to connect more with the public (methinks – suspects - she’s a funny, irreverent little cuss), perhaps she would still be around.

Another little tidbit made me appreciate Simon Cowell all the more. I have always enjoyed his straight talk, blunt-as-a-spoon assessments, and dry wit, but he’s also got some serious stamina.

Gayla: Another thing that you might not realize, Simon is a road warrior right now. In the UK, they are having their "Britian's Got Talent" season. It is televised on Friday evenings and Simon is one of the judges. So, in essence, he is finishing up the live taping of AI results on Wednesday, hopping a plane to arrive by BGT performance time on Friday and back to LA by AI performance time on Tuesday. I have to say - the man must be commended for his efforts because I would be out of my mind with jet lag traveling that much. I would expect him to be much more grumpy and sarcastic if I were in his shoes!

And Paula is the one who always acts a few Fruits short of her Loops. Go figure.

Many thanks to Gayla for sharing! Now, as each contestant sings two songs tonight – Neil Diamond, no less (don’t get me wrong, I ADORE Neil Diamond), let’s get to this recap, shall we?

Join me in some Red, Red Wine, anyone?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The glare of the spotlight and the pressure of constant exposure have already taken their toll on some..."

Like Ryan.

What in THE hell was that mini faux hawk in the middle of his head?

Oh well, he IS America’s Host, and T.I.A.I, so if he wants to coif himself like a contestant on Top Chef, go for it.

The judges were in fine form tonight: Randy I-Have-More-Beads-Than-Bo-Derek-in-10 Jackson; Paula? Or was that Miss Kitty from GUNSMOKE (thanks PETE)? Good lord, she looked like a bar maid in an old west saloon ... after a hard night - her swept up hair was leaning sideways. And that strapless, gold, tulle, ruffled confection she was wearing? Oh well, at least it matched the kitchen trivets hanging from her ears, and the wrist restraint from Bellevue; Simon switched things up in a gray Henley – all the better to see your chest foliage, my dear.

Ryan then welcomed the Top Five out and explained they would all be singing two songs a piece from the Neil Diamond song catalog. (Kind of like Sears and Roebuck only full of lyrics and melody, not polyester and Craftsman tools...and the pages not likely to be used in an outhouse. Well, maybe Crunchy Granola Suite..) And that the kids would be critiqued after their second song.

Ahhh, Neil Diamond, a hit maker for over four decades – both as a songwriter and as a solo artist. He has had over a dozen #1 songs, starred in a hit movie which spawned some of his greatest work - America, Hello Again, Love On The Rocks (is hard on your back – sorry, couldn’t resist) – and singlehandedly kept the sequin industry in business for years.

No disputing Ryan’s voiceover that with "120 million albums sold worldwide" he truly is a "model of longevity." He will release his 26 th studio album on May 6. And he's here on American Idol?  What a coincidence!

Seriously, I love Neil Diamond. I’ve always been a big fan, and Hello, Again will always be one of my all-time favorite tunes.

Meeting with the kids, I must say, Neil is holding it together quite well. Even if a surgeon is holding some of it together for him, it’s been good, subtle work. Not Kenny Rogers – Burt Reynolds I-Have-Pissholes-In-The-Snow-For-Eyes work either. Neil looks good.

Even without the sequins and flying fringe.

Dreads was up first to rehearse his two song choices: Forever In Blue Jeans and September Morn – neither song requiring much in the way of vocal gymnastics, but that’s ok. We all know by now that Jason is not going to perform a vocal Iron Cross this season. A somersault would be nice every now and then though.

After a few lyrical missteps along the way, Neil said, "I think he’ll bring both off very well."

Dressed in JEANS (what else?), his guitar (what else?), and his beige/gold/silver shirt from two weeks ago, he launched (ok, launched implies excitement, speed, thrill. This was more of a slow wade.) into a very straightforward rendition of the song. He has an easy way about him, I give him that much. Jason knows who he is, knows his limitations, and is probably just as befuddled as anyone else about him still standing on that stage.

When it was over, I yawned. That’s what he leaves me with. He’s aural Nyquil. Zzzzzz.

Up next was aural No Doz – David Cook on the Chat Chairs with Ryan. Why, given the time constraints tonight? No stellar conversation, roll tape. His song choices: I’m Alive and All I Really Need Is You.

Neil "got goosebumps" and said David has "the right attitude, right material, right voice. He’ll do great."

And he did. While the pinstripe suitcoat with the red "AC" (According to David in an interview with TV Guide, "I have two brothers, Adam and Andrew. So, because of superstition, I put their initials on everything growing up.") and some War of the World bloody roots growing around his left arm were a tad distracting – oh, and those were some hella boots on those feet, David. Red and black! - I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED the performance. The rasp in his voice is immediately identifiable.

Like Jason, David knows who he is as a performer, but he can not only pull off an Iron Cross, but can stick the landing on a triple back flip herkiepalooza full layout (yes, I’m making that up, but it sounds difficult, doesn’t it?).

Gymnastics

Brooke rehearsed I’m A Believer and I Am, I Said with Neil, who was pleasantly surprised" with her efforts, and encouraged her to change "New York City" to "Arizona" in song two.

Standing at the mic with her guitar, shiny silver pants, a denim colored ruffled shirt and a black belt cinched above her belly button, Brooke looked lovely. I like all the fluffy hair. This girl is a Pantene executive’s dream.

As for the performance? She seemed stiff, but she always does on upbeat numbers. Her smile only softened into genuine when she would look at her husband – which yes, I think is very sweet. Or maybe she was trying to suppress a genuine laugh as she saw Paula undulating during her song? Yes, Miss Kitty was up dancing with the yokels.

Overall, Brooke was once again like tapioca – bland and boring.

AFTER. THE. BREAK, Puppy worked on Sweet Caroline and America with Neil, who referred to him as "kind of a prodigy."

On stage, dressed in JEANS, snow white tennies, a black and white striped shirt and an unbuttoned black oxford on top, David looked swoonworthy for all the pubesters.

Forgive me, but was anyone else not buying the line "touching me, touching you"? :O)

Yes, he smiled, yes, he even managed to keep his eyes open and his lip licking to a few errant swipes, but for me he missed the mark. Just didn’t really connect to the lyrics. Then again, I’m sure for little David, at least, "good times never seemed so good" as they do right now.

Finally, Syesha met with Neil to practice Hello Again and Thank The Lord For The Nighttime, two polar opposites in terms of tempos, messages. Neil commented that she "did a wonderful job" and that "she’ll do great." (I do believe he said they will all "do great." Neil, you slick diplomat, you.)

Sitting on stage in a purple halter dress, her hair full of Beyonce hair extensions, she continued to eschew footwear. I understood it last week – like I said, Mr. Minor doesn’t need Manolo scratches on his baby grand, but this week? She just looked unfinished.

Does she have bunion issues? Corns? Plantar warts? A hammer toe?

If not, Paul Kim called. He wants his gimmick back.

In terms of singing, her voice sounded strong and clear, although a tad shouty in places. I prefer this song to be the heart tugger it was written to be – her smiles seemed a tad out of place. But her final note was very sweet and pitch perfect.

Ryan then dragged all the kids back out to the stage for a half-time mini critique from the judges:

Randy:

Jason – OK

David C – in the zone

Brooke – a little karaoke

Puppy – da bomb (sorry Randy, but dat’s da bullsh*t)

Syesha – very strong

Paula started mumbling to Dreads about his "lower register" then began babbling about his second song, which he had not yet sung. She went on and on, completely out of the loop, off the reservation, they practically had to get Festus and Matt Dillon to lasso her back in.

"Jason, the first song I loved hearing your lower register, which we never really hear. The second song, I felt like your usual charm wasn't...it was missing for me, it kind of left me a little empty. And the two songs made me feel like you're not fighting hard enough to get into the top four.''

Ryan finally interrupted, "Just the first song, Paula." To which she replied, "Oh my god! I thought you sang twice!"

Straight Jacket, party of one!

Simon took over...

Jason – forgettable

David C – just above average

Brooke – a nightmare (she actually hollered back "No, it wasn’t!" like a tantrum-y two year old.)

Puppy – amateurish

Syesha – old fashioned

His final words to them all? "As the Top Five contestants, I need to see and hear the performance of a lifetime."

Don’t hold your breath tonight, Simon.

Back from commercial, Ryan was standing at the desk talking about the Idol tour, but all I could notice was how Paula seemed very fidgety, like she was trying to maintain an upright position. You know how when you’re drunk and that little person who drives your PersonMobile up in your head is still sober and talking to you? "Now, you’re going to sit down. That’s right, very straight. NO! Don’t fall. Act relaxed. Smile. NO! Don’t talk, you’ll slur! Yes, you do look really hot tonight. DON’T TIP OVER!"

On stage Jason was back out to sing September Morn, this time sitting on his best pal, The Stool. Hmmmm, I guess it deserves a name like Matilda the Mikestand if it’s going to be in the spotlight so much. I could call it Randy – God knows they both just sit around and don’t have much to offer – but one Randy is plenty.

It IS kind of like a bar stool. I’ll go with that. His name is Barry The Bar Stool. He and Matilda can hang out together.

Jason started singing and he sold the lyrics well enough, but halfway through it suddenly began to dawn on me...he has a very Holiday Inn - Murph and the Magic Tones vibe about him.

Where are Jake and Elwood when you need them?

Randy called his efforts "just OK, whatever"; Paula said he played it "Safe" and needs to "get out of your comfort zone"; Simon said he "struggled through both songs" and will look back and go "I don’t know who this person is." (Um, no, that would be Paula..)

David C came back out with his guitar to sing All I Really Need Is You, and again did what he has done so well all season – he reworked an old song into a fresh new, ready for radio play tomorrow song. Seriously, that could be on Sirius Hits 1 in the morning. Well, it will be on my iPod tomorrow – yes, I am finally going to download one. It was a great performance.

Randy called himself a "huge David Cook fan" and added that it was "crazy"; Paula was "so proud" of him and said she is "already looking at the American Idol"; Simon said the "first song was ok, second song was brilliant" and that David "actually made that song feel like it was written this year."

Brooke was back with Ryan on the Chat Chairs to defend her first song as not being a "nightmare" and to show that she had written some of the lyrics on her hand for song two.

Umm-kay.

Seated at the piano, she began singing I Am, I Said, managed to get through working in the four syllable Arizona in place of the two syllable New York, and had pretty smooth sailing through out.

I still don’t think she completely connects on stage, but to each his/her own. Compared to song one, this was a decent showing, although she was riding that piano bench at one point like one of those big red jumpy balls we all had as kids.

Randy said she was "very vulnerable" and did a "nice job"; Paula offered "everyone loves who you are and that works"; Simon said he "really, really, really hated the first song" but that song two showed that "this is the Brooke we like ... well done."

Puppy Love came out to sing America, and yes, I admit it, I did a full body cringe. That song is Neil’s. It is a signature piece, requiring his gravelly voice, his grit, his delivery, his conviction. The only thing similar with David, is that he should be convicted for songslaughter.

No grit, no soul. Maybe Up With People caliber. A bad local pageant, maybe. But not even the screensaver behind him waving a big digital flag could make me feel anything but UGH.

I am firmly in the Once Liked David refugee camp now. I have been Archuleta-ed down one too many times.

Randy continued to serve the Kool-Aid to viewers with "definitely in the zone"; Paula called it the "absolute perfect song for you", said his voice was "on point", and then slobbered "joy, spirit, prodigy, little savant", ending with "I love you, you’re brilliant."; Simon added "smart choice of song."

I swear, you would think he’s a one legged, sway backed, wrinkled, 70 year old hooker, the way they’re pimping him so hard.

Sorry, I’m not buying. Not even for 99 cents on iTunes.

Finally Syesha was back to finish the show up with Thank The Lord For The Nighttime.

Still barefoot, Syonce’ stood at the mic, her Dreamgirls back-up singers on stage with her. She worked it. Every upbeat, fun note of it – dancing around the stage, singing to the crowd. And again, she sounded good, really good.

Randy said "I think you’re finally realizing who you are"; Paula started with, "Brooke, on your first song you showed your vulnerable side, second song you are blah babble blahbble Coreeeeen Bailey Rae and Minnie Ripperton."

First of all, I’m sure Syesha loved being called Brooke. But more to the point - I swear, Paula is like a zoo animal who needs a handler standing by with a tranquilizer gun. Someone needs to arm Simon with a butt dart of Thorazine and he can just jab her under the table from now on when it gets this bad.  Seriously, if she just slithered under the table and went to sleep, do you honestly think we'd complain?

She stopped talking and Simon just looked at her and said, "This is officially the strangest show we’ve ever done." He then looked at SYESHA and called her a "very good actress – stroke – singer" but that he thinks she "may be in trouble tonight."

She asked why and he responded, "I don’t think you had a really memorable song like some of the others."

Sorry, Simon. But the only one to have a truly memorable song was David C. Jason was a Snoozefest, Brooke was same old / same old, and Puppy needs smacked on the nose with a rolled up sheet of music. At least Syesha reached for some notes, grabbed them with her bare feet, and delivered them.

That being said, the damage has already been done. I’m sure she will visit the Bottom Two again tomorrow night along with either Brooke or Dreads. And my prediction is that Syesha will not be saying Hello, Again to the safety couches, but will be thinking that The Sun Ain’t Gonna Shine Anymore.

Your predictions? Favorites? Thoughts on the plasticine tentacles wrapped around David’s arm? Guesses as to what Paula was on, or not on tonight? Chime in!

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Moving On...

OK, we have all had our say.  And it's obvious we are all passionate about our personal views.   

Like politics and religion, it really does come down to needing to agree to disagree.

I have turned off the comments for both pieces on the Cyrus photos.  (Amazing I have never had to do that on a political piece.)

Let's just move on.  Life is too short.  And quite frankly?  There are much more important things going on in this world than Miley Cyrus showing some of her back.

Like ... American Idol.  :O)