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DGMS Travel Gnome

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    Welcome to the DGMS Travel Gnome Photo Album! Enjoy this little guy's world travels - some far afield, some right in your own backyard!

July 2008

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« April 6, 2008 - April 12, 2008 | Main | April 20, 2008 - April 26, 2008 »

Friday, April 18, 2008

Can I Get Some Laughter, Please?

OK, this is great...

Lori in TX just sent me this video, and since I am trying to keep the mood light around here today, I'd like to share it.

You know how in musicals, people just spontaneously break into song?  A love song, a rebellion song, a song of longing, a song about their town, their shoes, their favorite activity?

Well, the brilliant folks of Improv Everywhere decided to take up the challenge to bust out into song and dance in a public place...

 

This one's brilliant too:  EIGHTY Improv "agents" dressed in khakis and bright blue shirts and entered a Best Buy store...

And this one is priceless - a group impersonating the New York Sychronized Swim Team practicing for a shot at the Olympics in Athens (2004 video)  LOVE the choice of music...

MORE Hey Baby, What's YOUR Sign?

See, I knew I could count on you people.  :O)  (I'll keep adding here as they roll in!)

From Kerry: Customer That Is Just More Important Than You (Will be found in front of you in Quick-Check Lane with 15 items instead of 10, and Also has similar pass that allows them to drive in down the emergency lane on the side of the freeway when everyone else is stuck in traffic.)

Customer That Is Just Fat (No Baby On Board) (One of my girlfriends is very overweight, parks in these spaces, and dares anyone to be brave enough to ask!)

Customer With Major Chocolate Jones

Customer That is Clueless But Bound to Be In Front of You in Self-Check Out Lane

Customer Buying Flowers In Hopes of Getting Laid

Customer Dragging Screaming Child that Needs to Get the Hell Out of Here Quickly

Customer That Just Discovered They're Out of Tampax

Customer With Cake Halfway Mixed, Missing One Ingredient

From Audreyf: CUSTOMER WHO WAS UP WITH A SICK KID ALL NIGHT AND IS TOO TIRED TO WALK FAR

From Linda L:  CUSTOMER WHOSE PURCHASE WILL BE PAID FOR IN PENNIES

From Chicky Chick: CUSTOMER WHO IS GOING TO WRITE A CHECK BECAUSE HE HASN'T LEAPT INTO THE 21ST CENTURY YET AND HASN'T LEARNED ABOUT CHECKCARDS

From Katy:  Customer who is paying with CASH

Customer who only wants beer and ice.

Customer that only needs ONE item. (Bag will be checked and violators will be prosecuted)

From Carrie / Quick: CUSTOMER WHO WILL SEND SOMEONE RUNNING BACK THROUGH THE AISLES 8 TIMES DURING CHECKOUT FOR THINGS THEY FORGOT

From Jim in Va:  CUSTOMER WHOSE SH** DOESN"T STINK Characterized by entitlement to anything they want

Customer that is just a kid and her dad will kill him if he knows what is being bought

From Audreyf:  Customer who has 4000 items and refuses to let you go ahead with just your one thing!

Customer who has 4000 items, refuses to let you ahead with just your one, and they discover they forgot their purse so they tell the clerk to put it all back.

From Mary:  Customer that will insist the cashier check, recheck and re-recheck that the sale price is correct before deciding not to buy the item.

Customer that just has to pee

Customer that is not really disabled, but needs one of those motorized buggy thingys anyway.

From Kerry:  Customer Who Acts Shocked That They Have To Pay, and Doesn't Reach For Payment Method Until Whole Order Is Rung Up

Customer With $100 Hair Extensions, Dripping With Gold Jewelry, Expensive Manicure, Talking Whole Time In Line On Cell Phone, Paying with Food Stamps. (added by Katy--->) and is buying lottery tickets.

From Sonia in MO:  Customer with 4000 coupons and 3992 of them are expired

From Jim in VA:  CUSTOMER WHO IS NOT ACTUALLY SHOPPING HERE (just met up with the carpool)

From Bobbsey:  CUSTOMER who has a basket filled with ice cream, cookies, soda, and sugar cereal after you have cleverly navigated away from those aisles so that you don't have to hear your kids ask for things you are not going to buy.

From Shawn in Lakewood:  CUSTOMER WHO TAKES ALLI AND JUST ATE A BIG MAC AND LARGE FRIES  (From Linda:  Anal leakage danger!  Watch your shoes...)

From Kerry:  Customer With Their Grandmother's Handicapped Tag

From Jamie in WI:  Darwin award winner parking space Space for people who is outta beer

Space for ME because I deserve it dammit!!

From Anke: Customer who will write a check soooo slowly that everyone in line will want to rip the pen out of their hand and write it for them.

Customer who will not move out of the way when they are finished with their transaction and will take a half hour to rearrange all the bags in the cart!

From Diane in Evansville:  Customer Who Is Outta Adult Diapers

From Kelly in PA: Customer who just ate a whole bag of sugar-free jellybeans and washed them down with some orange juice!!!  (From Linda:  How dare you mock my personal tragedy?)

Customer with really bad yeast infection looking for the Monistat STAT!!!!  (From Linda:  Talk about a bun in the oven...is that SOURdough?)

From Sandy in NC:  CUSTOMER DRIVING A GIGANTIC SUV OR HUMMER WHO CANNOT NAVIGATE IT WORTH A CRAP?

From Linda:  CUSTOMER WITH VAGINA WHICH HANG LIKE SLEEVE OF WIZARD  (I love Borat)

CUSTOMER WHO SMELLS LIKE CHEETOS, FRENCH FRY OIL, SALMON, and ROTTEN EGGS

From Jamie in WI:  CUSTOMER (MOMS) who have had a bad day, are out of chocolate, need a drink, pmsing, want to shoot their spouses, sell their kids & dare anyone to f*ck with them!

From P:  Customer Who Tries to U-Scan a Cantalope for FIVE minutes

Hey Baby, What's Your Sign?

I'm warped.  I fully and freely admit that.

My mind has a mind of its own, constantly jumping from one inane thought to the next, taking a topic and finding every possible tangent and conversational off ramp, finding endless plays on words for titles, living for the perfect double entendre... to paraphrase that Robert Frost poem, "Two roads diverged in a wood,  and I ... took the funnier one.  That has made all the difference."

My need to find the funny seeps into every part of my life.  From the emails I send out to the soccer teams I manage, to sotto voce observations on passersby which leave my sister in tears of laughter, to my children's attempts to converse with me - Carson likes to start conversations about her day or life in general with, "You know what's weird?"

To her constant consternation, I immediately jump in with responses like, "A four headed donkey on roller skates?"  "A bikini made out of catapillars?"  "Bathing in a tub of raw sewage and lima beans?"

I mean, those things are all weird.  Aren't they?

I can never predict what is going to kickstart my need to be fobnoxious (funny + obnoxious).  But one indicator that there is the potential would be how tired I am at any given moment.

Last evening being a prime example...

It's been a busy week, and while Mother Hubbard's cupboard isn't bare, it was getting thin on the staples.  A trip to the grocery store was in order, so after dropping Carson at training, Ken, Culley and I hit the HEB.

It was while I was circling the parking lot for a decent spot, that I spied those signs.

You know the ones. 

CUSTOMER WITH CHILD.  (Or some similarly worded variant.)

Much like handicapped insignias, these are designed to reserve some of the closest parking for those with human cargo. 

They didn't ^%#!$% exist back when I was heavy with child, dragging two behind me, or BOTH.

Not that I'm bitter, Obama.

Well, for some reason, last night, my sleep deprived brain slipped a gear, and I decided it would be a great idea to make replacement signs, sneak over at night, and plaster them over the existing CUSTOMER WITH CHILD ones.  I mean, why should parents get all the choice real estate in the parking lot?

My daughters, who always enjoy my mind's flights of sophomoric fancy, gamely joined in.  Here are our ideas for new signs... feel free to come up with your own.  I'll post them as your warped minds generate them...

CUSTOMER WITH SIX TOES ON LEFT FOOT

CUSTOMER WITH ANAL WARTS

CUSTOMER WITH LOW SELF ESTEEM

CUSTOMER WITH HALITOSIS

CUSTOMER WITH SKID MARKED UNDERWEAR

CUSTOMER WITH ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION

CUSTOMER WITH LOPSIDED SCROTAL SACK

CUSTOMER WITH REALLY SMALL PENIS (we don't see this one being taken too often)

CUSTOMER WITH REALLY LARGE PENIS (we DO see this one being constantly occupied by pick-up trucks)

CUSTOMER WHO DRIVES A HUMMER TO COMPENSATE FOR REALLY SMALL PENIS

CUSTOMER WITH VIAGRA BONER

CUSTOMER WITH DEVELOPING COLD SORE

CUSTOMER WITH SECRET DESIRE TO LICK ARMPITS

CUSTOMER WHO MASTURBATES TO PHOTOS OF JOHN MCCAIN

CUSTOMER WITH SERIOUS FLATULENCE

CUSTOMER WITH ANAL LEAKAGE

CUSTOMER WITH POST NASAL DRIP

CUSTOMER WHO SINGS SHOW TUNES IN THE SHOWER

CUSTOMER WITH ONE BOOB BIGGER THAN THE OTHER

CUSTOMER WHO SECRETLY SNIFFS THEIR OWN FINGERS AFTER WIPING

CUSTOMER WHO PREMATURELY EJACULATES - EVERY TIME

CUSTOMER WHO HAS SECRET STASH OF DAVID HASSELHOFF CDS

CUSTOMER WITH WHIP AND LEATHER CHAPS FETISH

(I could go on and on, but I'd rather see what you could come up with!  Send them this way and I'll pull them from the comments!)

Thursday, April 17, 2008

ABHORtion Update

Yale officials are now releasing a statement indicating Aliza Shvarts did not actually perform the acts she earlier claimed - that of repeatedly inseminating herself and aborting the resulting pregnancies in the name of "art".

They are calling her installment a "work of creative fiction."

I don't care.

She can use all the Karo syrup and red food dye in the world, and stage as many disturbing videos of the "process" as she likes.  It does not take away from her intent.

And it does not make her ART less offensive, hurtful, or quite frankly, shameful.

Miscarriage is not ART.  Abortion is not ART. 

Miscarriage is a tearing of the soul.  It leaves a wound which never fully heals.  Abortion is a deeply personal choice.  It also leaves its mark on the psyche of the one who chooses.

The disgusting display will be showcased next week — as advertised - complete with fake blood samples and staged videos of the "terminated pregnancies."

Oh, and Shvarts will be honored at a reception for the artists.

I'm sorry, but her name and the word HONOR do not belong in the same sentence, let alone in the same room.

ABHORtion

By now, it shouldn't come as any big shock to readers that I am fairly liberal.

I am open minded.  I believe in tolerance - that not truly understanding another viewpoint doesn't mean it's automatically wrong.  I believe that our differences make life interesting, and that opening up to new views, thought processes, and people makes for a full life.

That living in a vacuum is not only sad, but dangerous - spawning so many of the horrors we see playing out in the world today.

But being open minded doesn't mean I'm cool with every hairbrained idea, plot, or effort out there.

Especially when it comes to the word "ART".

I have parameters and guidelines for what falls under that heading...

Sistine Chapel?  ART

Lucite box full of human excrement?  NOT

Mona Lisa?  ART.

Roadkill dressed in doll clothes on the roadside?  NOT.

The David?  ART.

Dog carved from butter?  NOT.

I think true art is a joy to behold.  True art enchants, inspires, tickles the senses, makes you go DAMN, I can hardly write my own name legibly, let alone stay in the lines when I color.

ART is a celebration of creativity, whether it is in the capturing of the human form in marble, or preserving a pastoral scene in oils.  A work of art may be a forward thinking architectural project.  A gasp inducing dress a la his Fierceness on Project Runway.  Heck, I'm even happy to extend the word ART to meticulously created plates of food.

I am humbled by the efforts of those whose creativity brings joy, teases my palate, or inspires conversation among the masses.

In a good way.

Which would not include the "artistic" efforts of Yale student Aliza Shvarts.

Aliza is an art major due to graduate this year.  Part of her degree requirements include a senior art project which will go on display with her classmates' efforts in the art gallery at Holcombe T. Green Jr. Hall  April 22 - May 1.

There will be sculptures, paintings, installations - all typical part and parcel of these type of exhibitions.

There will also be copious amounts of Aliza's blood and tissue (and I don't mean Kleenex).

You see, Aliza chose to create an art project which she says will spark conversation and debate on the relationship between art and the human body.

To that end, she spent an entire year collecting donor sperm and repeatedly inseminating herself, only to turn right around and take abortifacient drugs.

The bloody results of all of her forced miscarriages compose the body of her "work" - or the work of her body.

She even includes bloody video of her miscarrying in her bathtub.

But she swears her "concept" is not about "shock value."

Bull and shit, Aliza.

Look, I'm pro-choice.  I think it is no one's business what a woman does with her body if she is facing an unwanted pregnancy.  Is abortion a choice I would ever make?  No.  I would have no reasons other than selfish ones to end a pregnancy were I ever to find myself PG again.

But it is not my place to tell someone else what they can and cannot do with their body.

This stunt of Aliza's, however, is not about unwanted pregnancy, pregnancy via rape, pregnancy that is a danger to the woman's life. 

And it certainly is not ART.

It is a slap in the face to anyone who has fought fertility issues, desperately wishing to have a child, but being unable.  It is an affront to those of us who have been pregnant and suffered the devastation that is miscarriage.  And it is a sick ploy to garner attention - make a name for herself.

It is careless.  It is thoughtless.  It is provocative only in that it PROVOKES anger.

Her display will feature a large cube suspended from the ceiling of a room in the gallery around which she will wrap hundreds of feet of plastic sheeting; in between the layers of sheeting will be the blood from all of her self-induced miscarriages.  Of course, creative thinker that she is - after all, she's an ARTIST, right? - she will mix Vaseline in, as well, to keep the blood from drying and to extend it throughout the sheeting.

Her videos will be projected on the sides of the cube, and onto the walls of the room.

All the better to capture her trivializing the human body, making a mockery out of miscarriage.

Look, I have lost a child in this way.  There is nothing artistic, intriguing, beguiling about it.  It is a tragedy.  It is an emotional rape.  It is a death.

Aliza, if this is all the talent your years at Yale have honed?  Find another line of work, Sickasso.

Because what you've done makes that Lucite box of shit look like a Monet. 

MotivHATEd

It's funny what motivates people in life.

Fame?  Money?  Love?  Hate?  Revenge?  Scholastic achievement?  Philanthrophy? 

We all do the things we do because something inside drives us - pushing us forward towards a goal.

Desperately want a scholarship to college?  Those are the students making every grade count, squeezing every extra credit point onto their transcripts.

Perhaps you are determined to pay off your student loans sooner rather than later, opting for a part-time job on top of your full-time duties.

Maybe you have a thirst for fame (and Chapstick) and put it all out there on American idol, singing ballad after ballad as you charm your way into poster space on my daughters' walls.

Want to squeeze into that brilliant yellow summer dress you bought last season?  Well, you're willing to do just about anything, and eat just about nothing to do it.

We've seen devastating examples of revenge - killers motivated by peer pressure, harassment, perceived inequities - Columbine, Virginia Tech...

Human suffering often motivates philanthropy - the haves coming forward to help the have nots.  Heck, Idol Gives Back is an excellent example of regular folk - you know, the don't have much to spare, but still wanting to help those who have far less.

This election season sees all the candidates motivated by the same thing:  VOTES.  All those beer and a shot, bowling, Veteran, kiss the baby photo ops have one purpose behind them:  Get your caboose to a voting booth.

Yes, motivation drives us all.

And some of us drive when motivated.

Meet Jeremy McIntosh, 27, of Detroit.

Jeremy applied for a job at a local lingerie store and despite spiffing up for the meet and greet - full face make-up, lipstick, blue Capri pants, red flip-flops, a flowery blouse and a matching bra - he was turned down.

Go figure.

He was also angry.

Enter motivation.

Homeless and frustrated, with nowhere to go, Jeremy decided to seek room and board in a uniqie way.

He crashed his car into the front of the lingerie store, causing $3k in damages - his goal?  To be arrested and taken to jail where they provide you with a bed and three squares a day.

Mission accomplished.    

He currently remains jailed awaiting a court appointed attorney to defend him on charges of malicious destruction of property and reckless driving.

This is his mug shot.  Poor thing wasn't allowed to clean up first, and well, he was a... 

Jeremy_mcintosh

Dude Booked Like A Lady.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

American Idol Results Recap, Wednesday, April 16: E=MC Scared For Kristy

(Blame my parents for no precap tonight – they come around about twice a year, and rudely ate up my day right up to showtime ...  but then, I know you understand, I mean, I do have to stay in the will...)

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dressed in his dark suit and tie – all the better to match prerecorded segments with, my dear – Ryan walked in front of the assembled contestants, with the ominous words, "Your votes are in. Who is out? T.I.A.I"

As I watched the camera pan, it really crystallized that this is the first week, at least for me, that it is truly hard to call the bottom three. They ARE all talented. Sure, some more so than others. Some can sell a lyric better than the next. A few have certainly separated themselves from the herd and could go forth and multiply their wealth and fame right now – no title needed.

But all in all – there really is no Sanjaya, Covais, or Savol in the bunch.

This is the point where we simply have to look at Wednesday nights as a ripping off of the band-aid. Do it quickly, get it over with. And if you are truly enamored with one of these kids, apathy will no longer work. Voting is required.

This week, after MYchael’s still stunning ouster, people seemed to start making that connection. With almost 36 million votes being called and texted in, it’s no longer enough to sit at home and say, "I like him/her. He/she should win."

It’s time to burn out some buttons on the cell phones.

A quick hello to the judges tonight revealed Randy not only beaded, but Bedazzled. My God he was a veritable disco ball; Paula was fresh off her winning trot at the Kensucky Derby – she was still wearing the wreath of flowers around her neck, her bridle dazzling with flowing crystal beads; Simon was again forecasting the emotional weather of the evening – somber and gray.

Ryan quickly moved us into tonight’s GROUP SONG, One Fine Day (which would set the theme for all extra songs tonight – death, goodbyes, and the hope of being reunited in the end).

Dreads opened the number in his soft, emotional, lopsided mouth way; Kristy Lee picked up and did her signature move – no, not rides-invisible-horse – but being unable to hit a big note without looking like she’s either doing calculus in her head or popping a loaf.

The rest of the gang joined in on the chorus, and again, I have to say – there has been no love lost between me and the GROUP SONG for years, but this batch of kids really manage to pull them off. Sure, the choreography level is what you would expect from a Kindergarten holiday show, but at least they sound good together. I didn’t even think about fast forwarding for once.

Nice job.

After the first refueling of AI One, Ryan directed everyone to AmericanIdol.com – there is one week left to vote on the finalists in the Song Competition. Surely someone, somewhere has come up with something not drenched in saccharine, Equal, and Splenda this time?

A quick video rewind of last night’s performances reinforced everything I initially felt – I was still underwhelmed by Brooke, thought Syesha did an admirable job, and I loved David C’s moment when he was finally overwhelmed by everything and teared up.

Oh, and many of you mentioned this in the comments, and I completely agree – Mariah Carey’s mentoring was as far from DIVA-ish as you could get. She was sweet, kind, helpful, sincere, and made sense. Nice to see she has completely made it through the Wackadoo Tunnel and once again has life and her talent in full control.

It was then time to start the Hokey Pokey portion of tonight’s show – the results. Out first, Dreads – who was asked to start a group to Ryan’s left. He did shake it all about a little – I think that was his nerves though.

Next out was David C. Ryan tried to get him to talk about why he was so emotional last night, and David gave a very nondetailed, general response. Personally, I have been completely impressed with his refusal to sell out his brother’s illness. He is more than aware that all the tabloids have been spreading it about, but he adamantly refuses to exploit it. He does not want pity votes, and quite frankly, doesn’t need them. The boy has class.

Ryan asked him to start a group to his right.

Carly, looking like an extra in an episode of The Office – black pencil skirt, demure white blouse (albeit sleeveless – the Mystery Lady of The Bicep has to breathe, too, you know) – was out on stage next, and informed Simon, "I think you’ve been a bit hard on me."

His reply? A pithy, "I expect more from you."

She was asked to sashay over to Jason’s side of the stage.

Kristy Lee trotted out in JEANS and a white cami, her skin more Glittery than a bad Mariah Carey movie, and got her slam in with, "Simon can be a butt sometimes." Yes, Kristy, and you have proven to be a smartass. Go stand with David C.

Another break and we arrived back at the VOMMERCIAL. This week the kids honed their stellar acting skills as robotic puppets (puppotics?) in an office setting. Their limbs attached to giant black cords controlling their tedious, boring movements.

Well, until one of them grabbed some scissors and cut them all free – each slice of the Fiskars bringing color, movement, and meaning to the song I Want To Break Free.

Damn. Ford cars must be magical. I bet David Blaine is jealous.

Ryan then welcomed back to the Idol stage, season five favorite Elliott Yamin, to sing his new song, Free.

Now, Elliott is still working the GEICO caveman look – a tad scruffy for my taste – but he certainly has come miles in terms of being a polished performer. He looked at ease, in the moment, and you could tell he felt the emotion of lines like "It’s difficult to hold on, so easy to let go", especially in light of his mother’s recent passing.

He still suffers from KLCeye-tis, however. That’s the inability to sing with them open.

He ended the song with what I now assume is the new portable posterboard – a message scrawled in Sharpie on his palm. His read, We miss you Mom.

Very sweet. I do believe David C started a trend. When mere spoken words won’t do, slap the message on your palm.

Mine would probably be a general, all purpose one – like WTF?!?! – I could flash it at the numerous stupid people who cross my path each day. Like the foul smelling gent in Walmart who rubbed up against me as I reached for a carton of eggs this morning.

Time for more results...

The kids were back on stage in their two groups, flanking Ryan, and he called Syesha to the stage – she was asked to stand with Dreads and Carly.

Out next was Brooke to join "The Cooks" – David and Kristy. That left little Puppy all alone to piddle in nervousness backstage.

Too bad, when we returned from another break, they were ALL on the couches for everyone’s favorite time wasting segment (can I get an extra serving of sarcasm on the side, please?): The FAN PHONE CALLS!

Insert sound of crickets listening for the sound of whatever insects they hear when something is dead boring...

First call was from Jillian in Maine wanting to ask the judges what their first record purchases were – after all, April 19 is National Record Store Day. (Insert shot of Linda’s open palm...) Who thought this up? Record stores are quickly going the way of the 8 Track. Is this some lame attempt to remind us of our humble vinyl roots?

Randy responded with Led Zeppelin, The Beatles, and James Brown; Paula said The Jackson Five, Earth, Wind & Fire, and Carole King; and Simon got in the better slam of the night, "I was ten years old, and it was Paula Abdul’s Straight Up."

Someone tape that Simon For President sign back together!

Next was Megan, 15, of New Jersey, who excitedly informed Paula that she was the "Megan from your show." Cut to Paula’s face and Paula having no idea who Megan is. Or maybe Paula doesn’t remember she did a show. God knows we’re all trying to forget. (For the record, I believe it was that child in the QVC shop who pretty much wet her pants when Paula hugged her.).

Anyway, Megan wanted to know which one of Paula’s songs best describes her relationship with Simon. Paula answered, "Cold Hearted Snake, Opposites Attract ..." and then informed Simon, "I’ll never be Forever Your Girl."

Denise, 50, quizzed Simon about his various "adjectives" for describing performances – amusement park, karaoke, piano bar, hamburger...

Um, duh, Denise. To quote Simon, "In a nutshell, all of these are horrible."

Mallory, 21, of Alabama asked David C if he is single, to which he emphatically replied, "YES." I do believe a few million ladies out here would volunteer to help you with that problem, David.

Ryan then intro’d last night’s mentor, tonight’s guest star, Mariah Carey, singing Bye, Bye (an ode to a lost loved one) from her new album, E=MC². She walked out, and I must say, WOW. She looked gorgeous in that skin tight, short, black dress. Girlfriend has been working out in advance of her new CD dropping and it shows. Her legs were amazing.

As far as performing? Effortless, as usual. And on that tightly crafted, million notes song? She glided through with ease.

If I have to be critical about anything, it would be the dangerous camera angles which threatened to reveal what she had for lunch today. The dress was SHORT, and the camera was LOW.

When she finished, Ryan asked her to judge Randy’s performance through the years of Idol, and she quoted a line from a new song, "I love me some him." Yes, well, I do believe he loves him some her even more. I think he owes more of his personal career advancement your direction than you do to him.

Her final words of advice for the kids were, "Do YOU, and do a great job."

OK, not exactly Ghandi, but she meant well.

Another break and the groups were reclumped on the stage. Puppy was asked to come, and he told Ryan he has "Never been happier in my life." He’s a sweet kid and you know he means it, but it’s getting a little sticky. My TV screen practically oozes Mrs. Butterworth when he is on.

No big surprise that David was told he was SAFE.

Ryan then decided he had "too many Cooks in the kitchen" and asked David C to swap sides with Syesha. Ooooo, you sneaky devil.

Of course it was now time for Ryan to pull the predictable-done-each-season-tasteless stunt of telling David to go stand with the group HE thought was SAFE.

Puppy must be an Idol watcher. Like others before him (most recently Melinda Doolittle), he plopped down at center stage and refused to dis his friends.

Puppy was so intent on his "Sit, stay" that he completely missed Ryan pretty much telling him which group was SAFE – David C, Carly, and Dreads - and Carly beckoning in a "Come here, my pretty" witchy way.

That meant a Bottom Three of Kristy, Syesha, and Brooke. Two out of three for me in terms of predictions, but like I said, it is only going to get more unpredictable from here.

One more break and Ryan, always running short on time, quickly sent a very happy Syesha back to the couches and safety.

Randy said "I can’t call this one."; Paula offered, "someone has to go – it’s tough"; and Simon bluntly said, "Maybe, Kristy, your time is up."

And as he is more often than not, Simon was right.

Kristy Lee Cook, who has courageously clung to this bucking bronc of a TV show, was finally thrown off. Although, I do think Brooke acted more injured than KLC. I don’t know that Brooke could actually survive the rigors of the industry – her immediate fallback position in the face of criticism or disappointment seems to be tears and pouting.

They rolled Kristy’s journey tape, and I have to give her credit. More than any contestant before her, she truly seemed to take in the comments each week and attempt to better herself – her clothes, her phrasing, her delivery, everything. Nashville seems over run with young blonds these days – Carrie, Kellie, Taylor – but if there’s room for another, Kristy just might find herself climbing back on the performance stallion and galloping to greater fame.

Hell, if Nashville is willing to welcome Bucky Covington? She’s a shoo-in.

Finally, I have to give her props – as she sat on the judges' desk and began reprising Forever, she sang right to Simon and even switched up the lyrics:

Those days of love are gone

Our time is through

Still I burn on and on

All of my life only for a good comment from you...

Go Kristy. You just made a fan out of me. I’m only sorry it’s too late to matter.

Andrew Lloyd Webber next week! Who do you predict will be the Angel of Music, and who will disappear like The Phantom of the Opera?

See you then...

Compound Raid Turns Into Mormonstrosity For Children

I realize the raid on the YFZ Ranch in Eldorado, Texas took place well over a week ago.  And many of you have emailed asking why I have not yet broached the subject.

Believe me, it is not a lack of interest, emotion, or opinion. 

I have been reading every article, watching every interview, taking in every report - I just simply have not had the time to devote to this one till now.  (Banging out a piece on a man keeping his wife in a dog crate is easy - the jokes are obvious, it almost writes itself - this topic is much more difficult to wrap my keyboard around.)

I am torn on many levels.  I am conflicted.  I am slightly incredulous in some ways.  And as a mother, well, the empathy is pretty automatic.

Based on the cell phone calls to authorities from a girl named "Sarah",  a 16-year-old claiming she had been choked, beaten, ribs broken, and forced to have sex with her "spiritual husband," 50 year old Dale Barlow (currently on three years probation after being arrested in Arizona in 2005 on charges of conspiracy to have sex with a minor.)  She also indicated she had an 8-month-old child with him and was currently pregnant.

Acting on this information, Texas authorities went into high gear, launching a heavily armed raid on the 1,600 acre compound, and herding 416 children and 139 women onto buses and removing them from the site.

As the legal machine has moved forward, and Child Protective Services have stepped in to render aid, evaluate, and take charge of the minors, emotions have obviously been running high.

Monday's decision to abruptly remove the mothers from their children (only those children under the age of 4 could stay with their mothers), and send them back to the ranch prompted an unprecedented event - the FLDS community, always loathe to so much as speak to we satanic outsiders, opened up the compound and encouraged the media to come in.  They provided legal spokesmen and several heavily coached women were allowed to answer questions.

I say heavily coached because I have watched the interviews - and these women sound like they are reading from badly worded cue cards.  They talk in circles, keeping only to certain talking points, and express no original thought.  Every answer is so painful to watch, it would be funny, if the situation weren't so dire.

Defending the state's decision to separate the children from the mothers, Marissa Gonzales, a spokeswoman for the state Child Protective Services said,  "It is not the normal practice to allow parents to accompany the child when an abuse allegation is made."

OK, I get that.  If a child is truly frightened by, intimidated in the presence of, or a victim of abuse at the hands of a caregiver, they are not likely to open up with that person in the same room.

BUT.

Yes, there is a big BUT in this for me.  Actually there are many...

Where to begin???

Well, let's start with the whole sect/cult/religion (pick your favorite descriptor) angle.

I personally don't care if a group of people wish to get together and live peacefully, minding their own business, growing their own veggies, sewing their own clothes.  I actually don't truly care if a man wishes to shack up with 20 women at once.  As long as they are all consenting ADULTS, that is their choice - for better or for worse.

But here's the rub.  If you don't want to play by the laws of the land which you call home - the United States - which precludes polygamy, don't come knocking on the government door seeking your welfare handout to support the glut of children you wish to endlessly procreate.  It happens because these additonal "wives" are not viewed as legal spouses, so they apply for and receive support in the form of food stamps, welfare payments, WIC, etc. 

Former polygamist Benjamin Bisline, speaking about the infamous Hildale, Utah community, once said, "If it wasn't for government subsidies, these people couldn't survive. There are people here with 15 wives on welfare.''

And that's wrong.

If laws are to govern the society as a whole, with all citizens falling under the legal umbrella erected by it, then those who choose to break the laws must, at most, pay the conseqences, or at least, not be able to rape the system.

But back to the lifestyle in general.  It doesn't touch my personal life.  It doesn't influence my decisions.  I may not "get" it, but frankly, I don't need to.  The way I live my life is absolutely as alien and odd to an FLDS raised 42 year old as hers is to me.

Look, I realize that a plural marriage is nowhere near as neat and comparitively tidy as is portrayed on Big Love, but again, if all involved are ADULTS, and the children who are the byproducts of the unions are loved, cared for, and respected?  Fine.

But when cases are repeatedly uncovered of barely pubescent girls being married off to grandfather aged men?  When teen boys, who have lived as equally a sheltered life as their female peers, are driven off the compound and casually thrown away so as not to be competition for the old farts?

I have serious problems with that.

I have 14 and 15 year old daughters.  The thought of some horny grandpa forcing himself on them makes me ill.  Impregnanting them when they, themselves, are still children?  It makes my brain hurt and my blood boil.  It is child rape, it is abuse, it is unconscionable.

Yet this is the practice in these fundamentalist sects.  And it doesn't matter if these "traditions" have been handed down for years - it is, in the legal eyes of this country - CRIMINAL.

As for the men involved?  Good God, DGMS.  You will never convince me it is anything more than ego, sex, and power.  Drape it in religious terminology and Little House on the Prairie dresses if you want.  Quote various forms of scripture.  It's still about women being subservient to men, and men running roughshod, with complete impunity, over women.

When the central temple in the YFZ compound has a bed adjacent to the room where the marriages take place so the randy old men can immediately jump on their scared shitless teen brides?

Puh-leez.

Now, moving on to the removal of all the children back on April 4 and 5...

Rudy and I talked about this last night and came to the conclusion that it would be like someone making a call from their cell phone in our daughter's middle school, claiming abuses, then having the entire school emptied out and taken away, and us faced with the nightmare task of having to fight for custody of our well-loved, cherished, cared for daughter before the state could put her into foster care.

I do not for one second believe all of those 416 YFZ children have been abused.  Brainwashed by the folks governing the community in which they are being raised?  Sure.  But every child in every household could fall loosely into that category - especially in terms of religion.  We believe what we are taught to believe because our parents were taught to believe it because their parents were taught to believe it, and on and on...

My daughters believe that a homosexual person is no less of a human being than are they, and deserve the same respect, love, and peace that they do. 

We have taught them that.

Could you call that brainwashing?  Absolutely.  I prefer to think of it as teaching them openness, acceptance, and to not fear something/someone just because they are different, but then, tom-AY-to, tom-AH-to.

As a parent, I cannot comprehend the rawness of emotion being experienced by those mothers.  I cannot begin to fathom the uncertainty, fear, and confusion being felt by the hundreds of children as they face child care workers, lawyers, doctors - strangers all.

And I don't envy the judge in this monstrous case, Judge Barbara Walther.  Each child requires their own attorney.  Each story must be investigated, vetted. 

The custody hearings begin tomorrow.

Custody hearings.  Just two weeks ago, these children were quietly living their lives on a dusty piece of Texas land.  I may not understand how their parents wish to live, but I don't understand lifestyle choices made by MANY people outside of the FLDS either.

Now hundreds of children have been stripped of what security, routine, and love they know - that is terribly sad to me. 

I am glad that the state movd on the phone calls from "Sarah", and hope that they swiftly and compassionatley deal with any substantianted cases of abuse or neglect they uncover, but I am truly left not knowing what a good answer to all of this is.

Like I said in the title - it's a fundamental Mormonstrosity.

I Dare You To NOT Smile

Linda L sent these my way, and I figured if they immediately perked up my morning, they might do the same for yours.

As the email read, "Who says you have to give up your pets when you have a baby?"

Baby1

Baby2

Baby3

Baby4

Baby5

Baby6

Baby7

Baby8

Baby9 Baby10

Baby11

Baby12

Baby13

Baby14 

Baby15   

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

American Idol Recap, Tuesday, April 15: Getting Carey-ed Away

Another busy day and evening around the Sharp Casa, so I’ll keep this precap short (remember, I write this part ahead of the show)...

I love when people come together to make something special happen for someone else.

According to reports, David Cook’s brother, Adam, will be in attendance tonight and tomorrow night. As most people know by now, David’s brother recently suffered the setback of a second diagnosis of brain cancer. He is undergoing aggressive chemotherapy and as much as he has wanted to fly out to California to support his brother, his health has simply precluded that from happening. Doctors have said he is too ill to travel commercially.

Enter family, friends, and big hearted businesses...

Adam and his wife, Kendra, flew Sunday to California, accompanied by medical personnel – the private charter jet, medic, and nurse all paid for by Clarion Health of Indianapolis

They are staying at a hotel directly across from where Idol tapes – the cost being absorbed by B102.7 radio station in Terre Haute.

Laughter may indeed be one of life’s best medicines, but so, too, is the presence of those we love.

Kendra has said, "The excitement of seeing his spirits lifted so high has been wonderful."

THIS is what I mean when I tell my kids that the good people of the world still outnumber the bad. THIS type of outpouring, support, and willingness to step in to make this extraordinary trip possible is the heartwarming, human, beautiful kind of story that typically gets drowned out by the constant political pissing contests, war reports, and terrorist alerts in which we have become so mired.

My thoughts and prayers are with the Cook family as they continue to support Adam in his fight to beat his cancer back into remission. And my thanks are with everyone who has made David’s and Adam’s reunion possible. You done good. Not just for them, but for every decent person who stumbles into the potholes of doubt about just what this world is coming to.

Now onto the recap...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With the warning that it is "down to seven, and up to you", Ryan reminded us that T.I.A.I., not T.P.I.R.

No big wheel, but lots of big cheese tonight: Randy, whose daughters apparently now make his jewelry. Every week he is showing up in some new bead kit ensemble. Tonight it was the addition of a necklace to go with the bracelets. I swear he’s going to show up with Bo Derek cornrows before the finale. Ahhh, the things we do for love (and our kids); Paula, who appeared to be wearing her own hair, actually looked quite understated and lovely in an off-the-shoulder plum number – she was a veritable vision of purpleness - a well coiffed eggplant; Simon Scowell again channeled Michael Kors in basic black.

Ryan then intro’d the theme for the night – The Songs of Mariah Carey – on the surface, a truly big mountain to climb, at least in my humble opinion. Despite her Paula Abdulesque behavior swings in recent years, there is no denying the talent she possesses.

I well remember the first time I heard her on the radio, and then rushing immediately out to buy a cassette for the car (yes, a cassette – it WAS 1991, you know). I lived on Kauai, and every day on my way to work, with the top down on the Miata, I would crank I Don’t Want To Cry and Love Takes Time, singing so loud I damn near woke up the dormant volcano on the next island.

As the video package stated, she has an enviable five octave range which translates into some seriously high octane songs. She has sold over 160 million albums, and recently surpassed Elvis for most #1 hits by a solo artist.

Now I adore Elvis, but I have also loved so much of what she has recorded, so Mariah? Thank you, thank you very much.

The kids had their mentoring sessions with her over the weekend, and Mariah referred to American Idol as "the boot camp of all boot camps", vocally speaking, that is. I think some Marines at Camp LeJeune would argue that getting shot down by Simon is far preferable to dodging actual bullets.

First up was Puppy Love, who admits to being scared to meet Mariah, channeling Wayne & Garth with a "not worthy". Mariah called his choice of When You Believe "really moving" and said his "singing is just beautiful."

On stage, for the first time, David looked like an edgy teen (well, edgy for him) and not like he was dressed for a holiday portrait at Sears. He was wearing a deep red, graphic Tshirt and leather pants?!?!

Loved Kendall’s comment, "I didn’t know Mormons were allowed to wear leather pants."

Don’t get your magic underwear in a twist – she was just joking and still loves him.

He started out powerful, full of purpose, and seemed to be connecting, but then it was almost as if he had a moment where he struggled with the proper breath control and phrasing. No matter, he finished strong – although that attempt at a falsetto was as weak as a used teabag.

Oh, and he only licked his lips once. Methinks he has been talked to by Stage Daddy.

Randy said, "Dude, if you can sing, you can sing anything, and YOU can SING!" and then called it "da bomb"; Paula said she thought David made Mariah "proud, very proud"; Simon agreed it was "very, very good" and that he "performed that very, very well."

I don’t think Puppy has very, very much to worry, worry about tomorrow night.

AFTER. THE. BREAK we returned to Ryan occupying the Chat Chairs with Carly and talking about how emotional everyone was about MYchael leaving last week. Carly was honest, "We weren’t expecting that." She then went on to basically say the rest of them are as boring as watching paint dry. Apparently MYchael was the life of the party.

With Mariah, Carly rehearsed Without You. Now, technically, that is not a Mariah song, but a Mariah cover of a Harry Nilsson song, which if we’re being truly nit picky was a cover of an obscure Badfinger song from their 1970 album No Dice.

Harry had great success with it, but Mariah knocked it out of the park. Again, that five octave range, something Harry couldn’t reach even if his undercarriage were being squeezed in a vice.

Mariah cited Carly’s "powerful voice" and said that she was "more than doing it justice."

Looking lovely in a deep navy dress with an even deeper cut neckline, a black teardrop necklace pointing south, Carly stood on stage alongside the piano and began singing. It was a very controlled, steady opening, and I literally was leaning forward waiting for the moment when she was going to blow the roof off.

It never came.

Yes, she opened up, but it seemed more screamchy than powerful, like she was reaching, but not quite being able to grab hold of the vocal brass ring.

As they cut to the judges, Simon and Paula seemed to be squabbling, unaware that their mics were on, and before Randy could begin, I SWEAR it sounded like Simon said to her, "You won’t admit when you’ve got a boner."

Go ahead and laugh. I TIVOed back three times, and I still come up with the word BONER. I know that can’t possibly be it, so if you have better ears, help me out here...

Randy liked that Carly "challenged" herself with the "big song", but said the beginning "was not quite loosey goosey for me" and that it was just "pretty good"; Paula liked the "restraint" and then how she "swelled and soared"; Simon said he had wanted to hear her sing this song, but that "I don’t think you pulled it off", that she is "capable, but over thinking."

Another break and it was Syesha’s turn to meet Mimi. Choosing a lesser known song, Vanishing, Mariah called her "amazing" and "really cool, very composed."

With the piano man working overtime, Syesha stood at his side, and was her usual gorgeous self in a form fitting gold cocktail dress, and another pair of earrings which threatened to take an eye out if she swung her head too hard.

And as she sang, I had to admit two things: 1. Smart choice because I did not know the song, so I was finally not comparing her to a massive diva, and 2. WOW – she was absolutely strong from start to finish.

That’s the most I have enjoyed her singing since her audition. Well done.

Randy liked that she was "bold" and then said "you did a good job ... all things considered" (Ahh, Randy, nice way to shake someone’s hand and then kick them in the balls.); Paula called her "extremely smart" and said that her performance was "unbelievably magical"; Simon called it "technically very, very good indeed" but questioned choosing a song "not many people know."

I disagree. I think she will be in the Bottom Three, but will probably squeak through based on people simply enjoying her performance and not being able to compare.

Note: At this point in the show, did anyone else notice that Paula seemed to be hiding behind her hair and slurring her speech? Kind of drowsy, loopy?

Another break and Brooke was sharing the chat chairs to remind us that DARN IT! we made her miss her sister’s wedding this past weekend. Hmmmmm ... Superstardom on the most watched television program in the universe, or an ugly bridesmaid’s dress and rubber banquet chicken ... decisions, decisions...

Mariah helped her work out Hero, and called Brooke a "genuine person". That’s nice. I prefer my people genuine too. I don’t like those prefab, preservative stuffed, imitation kind. It’s kind of like that pretend "crab" in a California Roll – it’s just missing something... sheesh, I’m tired, where was I?

Ahh yes, Brooke. She opted to stay at the keyboard again, which serves her well, as walking, dancing, any type of movement involving her limbs, seems to trip her up.

In a black dress, shot through with silver thread, she actually looked pretty amazing tonight. Risque even – for Brooke – after all, this dress had a V-neck! Her hair was loose, wavy – and she seemed comfortable with her one shoe on, one shoe off self.

Now, I am not a huge Brooke White fan – she’s a little too bland for me – but I actually enjoyed her performance tonight. Look, I am impressed with anyone who can play an instrument OR carry a tune, and when a person can do them at the same time? WHOA.

Randy called it "kinda cool", "pretty good"; Paula babbled that "every ounce of you is totally authentic to who you are and that’s a beautiful thing" (Yes, Paula, so are balanced meds...); Simon said it was "a bit like ordering a hamburger and only getting the bun ... there was the vital ingredient missing" and added that her "voice isn’t strong enough to carry that song."

And then Randy couldn’t resist chiming in that, "NO, the meat was in the bun" at which point Brooke broke out her petulant, disappointed Nanny face – the one that asks, "Oh dear, did you just pee in your big girl panties?"

Randy rambled on about the burger being there, but the condiments being MIA, and Paula hollered, "Where’s the beef?"

I swear, Clara Peller would smack that woman upside the head with her purse. Clara didn’t suffer beefless burgers or fools lightly.

Kristy Lee had her chance with Mariah next, working on Forever, which you could immediately tell was heading down a dusty country lane. Mariah even said KLC gave her "goosebumps." And I don’t think Kristy dropped ice down her back – it was a real compliment.

That poor piano player continued to toil away on the darkened stage, and Kristy looked beautiful in a gold, wrapped bodice, knee length dress, her hair long and straightened.

From the musical arrangement to the twang in her voice, she infused the song with country flair and emotion. Granted she never moved from where she started, but it actually served to keep the focus on her voice, which sounded strong for the second week in a row – especially her finish.

Bottom three? Maybe. Maybe not. She has had two good weeks in a row now...

Randy cited a couple "pitchy notes in the first part", but said she "definitely started stepping up towards the end"; Paula said she was "blown away" and that Kristy could have "a hit with it in country western world." Then she went and stepped in it, saying "Mariah can leave it on to the younger generation and still have fans."

I’m sure Meems enjoyed having Ms. Abfool call her old on national TV.

Simon cut in with "it didn’t give me chills," "a bit whiney at times," and "it wasn’t great."

Paula then shlouted (Shouted + slurred), "Allllll the gurls look BOOOtifool tonight!"

All right Nigel – who had the butterfly net last?

Another break and David C worked on the unusual selection of Always Be My Baby with Mariah. Even she was "surprised by his choice" but said that he "did something different that could be a hit for him."

Looking like he just got done tending the bar at TGI Friday’s – his shirt untucked, vest unbuttoned, tie loose – David stood at the microphone, singing slowly, steadily building up, and then WHAM! – he decapitated poor Matilda, dragging her headless body across the stage, as he worked the crowd and finished out the song.

It was brilliant. I haven’t liked every single thing he has done in the past, but this was worth heading to iTunes to download. I loved the pace of the song, the gravel in his voice, the emotion, every single part of it.

And it was all made even more perfect by the quick shot of Adam standing in the crowd and clapping for his brother.

Randy said, "You are ready to make an album, you’re a hot recording artist." Then, he did what he has not done all season – Randy stood up and gave a contestant a Standing O; Paula said the song "could be in a movie soundtrack right now – you’re IT!"; Simon stated that he felt like he was "coming out of karaoke hell into a breath of fresh air." He added it was "original, daring, it stood out by a mile, this is the sign of a great potential artist – someone who takes risks."

And at that point, David began to tear up and covered his face – he glanced a couple times in his brother’s directions and the tears were ready to spill over the eyelid dams.

Nice moment for both of them.

One last break and we returned to someone holding a neon green SIMON FOR PRESIDENT sign in the crowd. A sign which Ryan immediately grabbed and ripped in two. Now lest you think he destroyed some little tweenie’s poster board and marker work, you should know that the majority of those signs you see people waving are made, and handed out by, the production staff prior to the show.

I know, I know – sorry to burst your bubble. But while I’m at it, Big Bird isn’t really a bird either...

Dreads snagged the money spot this week and rehearsed I Don’t Want To Cry with Mariah. My initial reaction was NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! That song was so BIG, so full of emotion, and vocal range – I just did not envision a way the soft spoken, yet DREADfully handsome Jason could rework it.

Sitting on a stool (like Brooke, he is physically constipated – no movement for him), backed by a trio of musicians, Jason wore JEANS, a black T-shirt, JEANS jacket, and my 1984 prom date’s Capezio jazz shoes.

Aside from his quirk of singing out one side of his face, like an adorable stroke patient, I thought he reworked the song well, stripping it down to its basic emotion. He made it a JASON song.

Randy said that for him, he "didn’t really love that – like a weird beach luau, weird for me, didn’t get it"; Paula disagreed and said, "I’d love to be at that luau listening all night long"; Simon actually agreed with Paula, saying that while it "wasn’t the best vocal of the night" it was a "cool version" and that the "guys completely won the night..

Watching the video snippets of the performances, I have to agree. Maybe they did better because they didn’t feel the threat of being compared vocally to Mariah? Nah. I just think they are a better bunch of singers over all.

My guess is that our Bottom Three will consist of Carly, Syesha, and Brooke. And if I had to send one home, my money would be on Carly before Syesha.

So what do you think? Did they do justice to the Mariah Carey songbook? Which of the kids is going to bed tonight singing I Still Believe I have a shot, and who is Slipping Away? Who will be thanking us for having Treated Me Kind, and who will simply be Vanishing?  And while I'm asking questions... Who thinks Paula would actually admit it if she had a boner???

Chime in, and I’ll see you here Wednesday night for the results!!