Don't Get Me Started with Linda Sharp

Wack Job

I mentioned yesterday that I like sex. 

It wasn't like it was some grand pronouncement, something you people didn't suspect - especially based on the fact you all know how much I love my husband. 

Hell, based on the fact that I'm a breathing creature on this planet means I'm not exactly making history with my declaration.  Humans, cats, dogs, whales, insects, Keith Richards ... we all keep the world populated via the "if it feels good, do it" mantra.

And that's fine.  Heck, if you do it right, it's fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.

A person's sex drive is unique, individual.  Some like it often, some can do with once every full moon (pun intended). 

Some people have kinks they enjoy indulging - whips, masks, toys, latex - whatever - to each his/her own.  As long as you're behind a closed door, with a consenting partner - why should I care if you're dressed like Labia - Goddess of Mt. Vaginus?  Or that your partner - Lord Peniscrote - is suspended from a trapeze with feathers in his butt?

And you know what?  If you're alone and using those feathers - that's fine too. I.  DON'T.  CARE.

Unfortunately, however, there are people in this world who like to indulge their sexual proclivities al fresco.  And while they are enjoying the "fresh air", unsuspecting neighbors get stunned like deer in headlights by what they are seeing.  (Of course, they may temporarily pass out from laughing so hard too.)

Meet Arthur Price, Jr (Sr. must be really proud right about now) of Ohio. 

Arthur was arrested for ...

Are you sitting down?

No liquids in your mouth?

OK.

Arthur was arrested for having sex with a picnic table.

That's right.  After an anonymous tipster (presumably a neighbor) deposited THREE DVDs at the police station - all showing Price repeatedly getting jiggy with the metal picnic table on his deck, police moved in for the thrill - oops, sorry, kill.

Now, as you're sitting there going Holy Guacumole (yes, I misspelled it on purpose - catch up) and trying to envision the logistics - allow me to help you out.

In the videos, he can apparently be seen tilting the poor table on its side and proceeding to stick his, um, well... umbrella, through the center hole.  Repeatedly.

He is then seen cleaning the "rain" from both the table and the deck.

The police took him in, questioned him, and he admitted the "molestation" (how couldn't he with THREE DVDs full of evidence?  Seriously, how many times did the neighbors see this before one of them said, "Hey, honey, grab the camcorder for me, will ya?)

He also admitted to dragging the table inside the house upon occasion.  I guess that's for special intimate occasions like anniversaries, birthdays?

He was released on $20,000 bail (I'd love to have been a fly on the wall in the bail bondsman's office when that call came in.  "Jack Hoff's Bail Bonds, how may I help you?  uh huh.  yeah.  NO WAY!  Seriously?!?  Get the F*ck out.") and now faces four counts of pubic, sorry, public indecency

My only question is whether or not the neighbors get their DVDs back.  They would surely win the top prize on America's Cummiest Videos...

(Thanks to Linda L for sending this news story my way.  Pervert.)

A Tale of Two Titties

Airport security.

Those two words are able to make a person's butt pucker faster than "protological exam".

No one likes it, despite the fact that we all understand it is a necessary evil (Airport security, not the Tush Test.  Although as we age, more and more of us will spend some time bent over and desperately trying to act nonchalant as a rubber gloved physician turns us into Lambchop the handpuppet.)  In fact, it is the far lesser of the two evils, if the other is a person getting on board an aircraft with the intent to harm.

If you travel often enough, you have no doubt streamlined your apparel choices, carry-on items, etc, in an attempt to hasten the process.  Slip on shoes, liquids pre-bagged, no heavy jewelry to set off the detector.

Yet for every one of us who knows how to work with the system, there are five others who walk up completely clueless - jug of hand cream in their purse, bottle of water brought from home, power drill in their carry-on, satellite dish belt buckle, lace up boots, every piece of jewelry they have ever owned festooning thier ears, wrists, necks and fingers.

And they are the ones who invariably get into it with the TSA employees who are just trying to do the job for which they were hired: keep us safer in the air.

I have lost count of the number of cowboy-hat-wearing-hayseeds who have tussled with TSA over removing a WWF worthy buckle, putting said hat through the x-ray machine, or taking off their dung encrusted boots (which serves to highlight thier dungalicious feet.)

I have been trapped behind Grandmothers who not only bathe in Eau de Every Flower Ever Grown Since The Beginning of Time, but carry a full sized bottle in their kitchen sink purses which are carried in hands covered in gemstones and clunky metal from every significant event in their lives, and are filled with other verboten items like knitting needles, scissors, nail files, and a wrench.

I'm not kidding.

I actually once saw an old woman with a wrench.

Which makes the whole jewelry thing seem like small potatoes.  After all, I highly doubt anyone's going to be beaten to death with a hairclip, or that any aircraft is going to be taken down by Grandma's sterling silver and garnet tiara.  (Yes, I've seen that too.)

At least those come off easily, and can be placed in an x-ray tray with little commotion.

Not so with, um, other types of physical adornment.

Meet Mandi Hamlin, 37, of Texas.  Mandy was preparing to board a flight from Lubbock to Dallas on February 24.  She had passed through the large full body detector without incident, but was then pulled aside to be wanded by a female TSA agent.

No biggie.  I've been randomly pulled out on occasion too.

As the wand passed over her upper torso, it started to beep.  That is typically no biggie either, as many women wear underwire bras.  Hamlin, however, was not being ratted out by her bra, but by her nipple rings.

She calmly explained to the agent what was setting off the device.  No good.  The agent called a male colleague over who informed her she would have to remove them.

This is where is gets dicey - and no, not just because I get colon cramps at the mere thought of having a piece of metal jammed through my nippleage.

Apparently, when one decides to embrace this type of enhancement, the healing skin and scar tissue can adhere to the ring, bar, Janet-Jacksonian-wardrobe-malfunction shaped piece of metal jutting through it.

Hamlin asked if she could step behind the partition and simply expose her breasts to the female agent who could then verify that the rings were, in fact, what was setting off the wand.

No good.

Pull 'em out or miss your flight, Mandi.

Well, behind the curtain, she did manage to extract one of the bar shaped enhancements, but the other refused to budge.  At this point, Mandi was in tears, and explained that she could only possibly get it out with pliers.

VOILA.  Pliers appeared (probably confiscated with that wrench) and she proceeded (accompanied by the alleged sound of the male agents snickering outside the curtain) to painfully remove the second one.

At this point, they rescanned her, and allowed her to pass through, despite the fact that was still wearing a belly button ring.

Now, obviously, this being America, things have turned litigious.  Glora Allred, who inserts her obnoxiousness into the national camera lenses with as much regularity as a Metamuciled colon (or Al Sharpton), has taken up Mandi's case.

Do I think the TSA agents were a tad uncooperative?

Um. Yeah.

Mandi was willing to expose her naked, iron fortified breasts to a total stranger.  They did not need to push the issue beyond that.

But do I think this needs pursued in a courtroom? 

Um.  No.

Despite the humiliation, the TSA agents were actually following a set of guidelines which does indicate that passengers "may be additionally screened because of hidden items such as body piercings, which alarmed the metal detector.  If you are selected for additional screening, you may ask to remove your body piercing in private as an alternative to a pat-down search."

With Gloria's legalese, Mandi maintains she has "undergone an enormous amount of physical pain to have the nipple rings reinserted" because of scar tissue.  Additionally, Allred writes that, "The conduct of TSA was cruel and unnecessary. The last time that I checked a nipple was not a dangerous weapon."

No, but big boobs are.  As in the big boobs who were working security and decided to be that unbending.  And now the mammoth boob who is representing Mandi, and bringing her "humiliation" to a whole new international level, when Mandi, herself, states she would simply like an apology.

Good luck with that Mandi.  Allred has a reputation.  You will certainly look back on this and know that "she came (and hogged the spotlight), and she gave (her legal expertise)".  But no one has ever been able to sing about her, "without taking".

Seriously, I think I'd rather get my nipple, tongue, and kootch pierced than let Gloria anywhere near me.  Much less painful.

To The DGMS Blogmunity from Missy

Hi everyone - Missy just emailed asking if I could post a thank you from her so it does not get lost in the continuing stream of comments.

In the same way I have been so humbled by your show of support and caring over my health woes of late, Missy has been completely touched that so many "virtual" strangers have shown her so much love and understanding since she mentioned her mother's passing .

From her email...

" I just wanted to say thank you to you and your readers.  I can not  BELIEVE the amount of love and well wishes after I mentioned my  mothers passing."

"The fact  that so many people shared so many personal  experiences and "hugs" virtually to essentially a stranger is very  heartwarming and I don't want that to go unnoticed."

Our pleasure, Missy.  This week, more than ever, I know that this is much more than a blog - it is a family.

PCR = LOL

PCR. Polymerase Chain Reaction

If you're a fan of CSI, or any type of forensic crime novelist (Patricia Cornwell is my personal favorite), you're already familiar with the term.

PCR is the method used to produce millions of copies of a specific DNA sequence in approximately two hours. This automated process bypasses the now antiquated method - which took weeks - of using bacteria for amplifying DNA.

DNA evidence is used in identifying criminals of all ilk, and also for identifying if Mick Jagger, Steve Bing, or Eddie Murphy is the father of your lovechild.

Well, the makers of the equipment used in the PCR process, Bio-Rad, have come up with a marketing video which is as genius as the product they sell.

You may not ever be in the market for what they manufacture, but I know you're always in the market for a laugh.

Enjoy!

(All credit to my sister, the scientist, for bringing this video to my attention.)

Old Dogs, New "Tricks"

Sex. I like it. A lot.

I would like a lot of sex, but given the proximity of my paramour, I currently settle for what I can get.

At almost 42 (notice I said almost. I have one more week till my odometer rolls over again), I have to say I like it more now than I did when I was half this age.

The beauty of getting older, especially for women, is that we simply don’t settle anymore. We ask for what we want. Faking is just, well, stupid. And we are so much more comfortable with our bodies, ourselves.

I think that makes it better for the men in our lives, too. They don’t ever have to wonder, or be afraid to ask, and I’m just guessing here, but I would imagine it’s much more satisfying to be with a partner who isn’t worried about being caught at the wrong angle. (‘Fess up ladies. Who among us hasn’t strategically positioned their thigh fat in bed at one time or another in our youth?)

I hope that as the years continue to roll by, our sex life will continue to rock. I kind of like the idea of making out and getting caught by a grandchild. They might respond, "Ewwwww," but as long as we’re responding "Oooooo la la", that’ll be great.

I suspect that even when our skin stops fitting our bodies, and hangs like a grown man’s suit on a five year old boy, Rudy and I will still be flirting across a crowded nursing home room.

Yes, even when the flesh is weak, I hope to God the spirit is still willing.

Which brings me to two gentlemen in Florida, who give me hope that I may, indeed, get my wish.

Meet Frank Milio and Carlos Underhill of Manatee County.

Frank and Carlos are randy little buggers. So much so that they recently got into a skosh of trouble with the law.

It seems they were soliciting sex and got caught up in a police prostitution sting.

OK, so I don’t condone illegal behavior. You know that. And I certainly don’t think picking up a hooker is the safest of endeavors. But I have to give them props.

I’ll leave it to Frank to explain why he was offering his $20 to a street maiden...

"I haven't had that in years," he said. "Ninety-three is kind of old."

Yes, that’s right. Both Frank and Carlos are NINETY-THREE years old. Or young as the case may be.

You know, I am not well versed in the pricing of the prostitutorial set, so I cannot speak to what a la carte menu item one might get for $20, or what degree of hooker one might, well, hooker up with. But my guess is, given the thousands charged by former Governor Spitzer’s main "squeeze", $20 won’t exactly get you someone from the Girls Gone Wild video collection.

Then again, if you’re 93 and just looking to get ... um ... bang for your buck? ... you’re not too picky about who is pulling your "trigger", as it were.

But I digress (and throw up in my mouth a little)...

Frank was caught with his money in his hand, so prosecutors are taking him to trial in April. Carlos got off (all pun intended) on the technicality that he offered $30, but said he would have to go get the money and promised to come back later.

As prosecutors cannot prove he was going to come back (heck, at 93, many things – taking your medication, changing your Depends, breaking a hip, death – can interfere with the best laid plans ... or would that be the best plans to get laid? Never mind...), Carlos faces no charges.

I am hoping that the judge in this case does little more than laugh. I’m sure Frank has learned his lesson, and if the judge is willing to just toss it out, Frank will probably be willing to settle for just tossing it off from now on.

OK, I’m done.

Peek-a-BOO!

Denise has little Boo home from the vet and just sent these pictures.  As you can see by the second one, he really dodged what could have been a very deadly bullet.

Thank you so much to everyone who has been donating money towards his surgery.  Remember, every dollar can help, so if you are still interested, you can stop by www.paypal.com and send a donation using Denise's email address of penguin318@yahoo.com. 

Does this thing pick up Spanish league soccer or pay-per-view wrestling?

Big incision for such a small kitty.

Cautiously Optimistic...

Good morning everyone,

It took a while, but I finally made it through all of yesterday's comments.  (I checked my email a few times Wednesday, but spent most of my day on the couch.)  THANK YOU for all the well wishes.  I am incredibly touched by your outpouring of support.

And I don't mean just for me.

You all know how much I appreciate every word you post - this blog attracts so many thinking, feeling, compassionate people, it is simply overwhelming.

Rather, I am so thankful for all of the support sent out to Denise and Boo as he recovers from his brush with giving up one of his Nine Lives, and to Missy on the very recent loss of her mother.

For every wretched account I give in this blog of man's inhumanity to man, woman, and child, every news story I cover on how unthinking, unkind, uncharitable human beings can be, you are always there to remind me that the good people of this world still DO outnumber the bad.

Thank you to all the veteran posters - you know who you are - your constant presence is a touchstone in my day.  You may all look forward to reading what happens to dribble out of my warped brain, but you will never know how much I look forward to reading your responses.  And when you don't chime in, I do notice, and I do wonder what is going on at your end of the keyboard.  And like a Mom does, I worry. 

To all of the first time posters, but apparently long time lurkers, who were pulled out of the shadows by my health woes of late,  WELCOME.  I know you people are out there - I can see how many of you come here each day, heck, each minute of each day.  Thank you for finally coming out of the shadows to join the conversation - even if it has only been about my health.  Your comments, and your personal emails - every word - are so very much appreciated, and I hope that you continue to add to the "conversation" here in the DGMS blogmunity.

I know the internet has its many problems.  That the information superhighway is filled with potholes and dangerous hitchhikers.  And I could never have predicted back in March 2005, when I first established this "rest area", that 1,160 articles and 38,239 comments later, an entire community would have built up around it.

Each day as I see it continue to grow, continue to be populated by the most caring, extraordinary, reasoned, opinionated, thoughtful, caring (worth saying twice) people - I know that every moment I sit in this chair, every manicure I ruin on this keyboard, is worth it.  YOU are worth it.

I need to get my day started - get the kids up for school, go back to the doctor, etc.  I will leave it to you all to "recap" for one another last night's results show - I haven't even seen it, or the performance show yet.  And since the recaps truly are timely in nature, and best served warm right after a show has aired, I will look to next week to pick them up again.

I am not up to full steam yet, but am cautiously optimistic the new meds are working their pharmaceutical spell inside.  Just know that my spirit has been incredibly touched and lifted by the magic you all have worked this week.  Laughter, and friends, truly are the best medicine.

Much love,

Linda

A Quick Note

I've said it a million times, but I'll say it again - YOU ARE ALL WONDERFUL.

Thank you for all the well wishes for both myself and Boo Radley (and the heads up on the Probiotics - how I wish I had known that word two weeks ago!).  I have not heard from Denise yet this morning - she was going to pick him up from the emergency clinic.  I know she'll chime in with an update when she gets home.

As for me, I'm laying low for the time being.  My sister should be here soon, and I don't expect she'll allow me to be doing much beyond drinking tea and holding down the couch.

I appreciate the understanding about the recaps - I use the plural because I doubt I will be up that late tonight - and hopefully will be able to bang them out starting tomorrow, ok?

HEALTH UPDATES

Hey everyone - quickly before I fall down...

Boo Radley is out of surgery and resting.  I will leave it to Denise to explain the particulars, but he did well.

As for me, I just returned from Urgent Care - long story, short...

The fever did nothing but go UP, even with three Advil.  They took blood - my white count is high (but just under their "panic" threshhold), my fever is still in residence, and my heart is racing.

Essentially what has happened is that the gravy leg inducing antibiotic I have been on has completely stripped my colon of any good bacteria, replacing it with a pretty big bacterial infection.

Sooooooooo, he took me off the first one which has caused this problem, and placed me onto the accepted treatment for what I have now (it's a big word, and I'm too tired to type it out now)  Luckily, between my white cell count being a couple points shy of really bad, and the fact that I am not vomiting, he is holding off sticking me in the hospital to be treated with the antibiotics via IV.

Hopefully I will not have any adverse reaction to the new stuff.  Good thoughts, please.

So, having just finished some toast, I am going to go pop a new pill (you'll love this...one of the potential side effects?  CONSTIPATION.  Go ahead, laugh.) and head to bed.  I am beyond wiped out.

Night, night.

(And thank you for understanding about the recap.)

SAVE BOO RADLEY FUND

UPDATE 445pm CST:: The vet has asked Denise to get Boo and take him to the 24 hour emergency vet so he can continue to receive fluids and be monitored through the night.  I have added the Paypal option details at the bottom of this over Boo's picture.  Seriously, any amount will help...

(And at the risk of bringing all the Mom-types down on me - the American Idol recap may have to wait till tomorrow morning to go up.  (That's not the part that will get you mad at me - I know you people are willing to wait for it.)  As of 1pm-ish, I started shivering badly again, fever of 101.1.  Don't even ask me what the hell is wrong.  I just don't know, but am working on finding out.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you have been reading today, you know that Denise's (Kittypimp) little white, deaf cat was attacked by a dog this morning.

She has provided updates throughout the day, and currently the fear is that he ruptured his bladder.

Denise is an AMAZING woman and helps animals in need EVERY SINGLE DAY (How in the hell do you think I wound up with two cats?).

If you would like to donate something, anything to help with the vet bills, please email Denise directly at penguin318@yahoo.com .  Or if you have a Paypal account, simply go to www.PayPal.com, enter Denise's email as the one you would like to transfer funds to, and away you go!

Again, you are all wonderful people, and I'm so proud that you call this silly blog HOME.

Boo being his fabulous, snuggly self with Jake.