Long ago, names were often based on a man's livelihood. Shoe maker? Shoemaker. Baker? Well, Baker. Blacksmith? Blacksmith. You get the picture.
I figure my married name hails from someone in the bloodline long ago charged with keeping the town's cutlery honed.
Nowadays a person's surname has little to do with their occupation. One trip through the phone book will attest to that fact. Gutterworm. (Well, I hope that's not an occupation.) My little town has 689 lisitngs for Jones - I can't even imagine the count in Austin proper. (And that's a helluva lot of Joneses to be keeping up with.)
Some are pedestrian, like Jones - the Smiths, the Johnsons. Some are exotic - take Kalyanaraman, Lorerzana, Onyegbuacuainke (and no, I did not let the cat type that last one.)
Sometimes a name is just plain unfortunate. We all have a Harry Dick, an Ima Looney, a Brandon Cattell, or an Otto Graff in our pasts. For those folks, I hope they came packaged with a good sense of humor.
Every now and then, a name comes to fit a person in ways their parents could never have imagined at birth...
I suspect the parents of this gent are rolling their eyes right along with the rest of the world.
Meet today's winner of My-Name-Fits-Me-Better-Than-An-Expensive-Glow-In-The-Dark Condom - Michael G. Dick of Portland, Oregon.
Michael's transgression? (Aside from his eyes looking like wet marbles?) He underestimated the lady whose home he decided to visit uninvited.
You see, Michael is a fan of B&E - breaking and entering. Although not your average run-of-the-mill B&E. No, Michael jazzes his crimes up by making them B&EBN - Breaking & Entering Buck Nekked.
Yesterday morning, he entered the home of the 88 year old woman at 630am. She in her bathrobe, he in his birthday suit. She was not amused.
Saying nothing (sometimes nudity speaks volumes on its own), he backed her into the living room and shoved her face down in a chair.
Now, one can surmise what type plans a pathetic looking creature like Michael - being nude and all - had in mind. And personally, while I think raping anyone is horrific - raping an elderly person is just as heinous and cowardly an act as raping a child.
But this old lady had plans of her own, and they did not involve swapping fluids with a total stranger, or missing Matt Lauer on The Today Show.
Reaching behind her, she grabbed his "last name" in her Celebrex grip and gave him a "good squeeze."
Dick managed to tear himself from her vice-like filanges and ran flopping from the house. He was apprehended and booked on charges of burglary, harassment and private indecency charges, with bail set at $110,000. Additional charges are pending.
The woman is unhurt and wishes to remain anonymous. I, however, would like to thank her. I have long taught my daughters to "go for the gold" as it were, should they ever be attacked. That a good hard yanky of the wanky can make Long Duk impaired enough to buy them time to run. Thank you to this woman for reinforcing this for me.
As for Michael? I'm envisioning a jail cell and a cellmate with the name Willie Assman, Jack Hoff, or Dick Rasch.
My girls and I love seeing the items we had in our living room prior to shipping making smiles on the receiving end!
From Ronnie :O)
Two years ago, I was directed to DGMS from the comment section of another web-site regarding American Idol. I was immediately hooked and have visited the site (at least once) daily since then. I "get" Linda. She makes me laugh, she makes me cry. she makes me think and she makes me thankful. Who would have thought that a blog I read for entertainment would impact my life so personally and directly?!
Due to the economy, job loss and lay-offs, this Christmas was really looking sad for our family. In fact we were threatened with a 30 day notice to vacate our home (we rent), but fortunately worked that out. When I saw Linda's invitation for families in need, I figured she'd be inundated with requests and assumed there were so many others in worse situations than mine. However, I always tell my kids, "if you don't ask, you'll never know the answer"--so I asked and the answer was a wonderful Christmas miracle in the form of gifts for my children. Toys for my little-boy and clothes for my teenage girls (great choices Linda!).
Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you to the amazing members of our blogmunity! On this Christmas morning, you all made me laugh, cry, think and be thankful. I am humbled by your generosity and vow to contribute next year.
R.J. with his V-Motion (he wanted to play immediately rather than take pictures)!
With his RC "wall-climbing" car.
Demonstrating how it works. The boy LOVES his cars!
Arriana and Brianna showing their approval of the "hoodies"
The rest of their clothes. (You can't really see Arriana's coat, but she loved
it--and really needed one).
The girls relaxing in Breezy's room, enjoying their DVD Player and movies.
Earlier this month I wrote about an email from one of our regulars, Jim in Va. Like so many families in the USA, his has been touched by an economic story problem. Unexpected medical crisis, unable to work, savings depleted - all of which added up a holiday season full of woe, woe, woe, not ho, ho, ho. Add to this their precious 16 year old daughter, Ashley, having her one prized possession stolen from her last month - her iPod.
My daughters eat, sleep, breathe with theirs. I get it.
Is an iPod a necessity in this world? Of course not - we all agree on that - even Ashley. Can life go on without one? Absolutely. Generations existed just fine on AM radio, 45s, even 8 track tapes.
That doesn't mean losing hers in such a harsh way didn't sting for Ashley. Or that Jim and his wife's inability to surprise her with a replacement this Christmas didn't hurt their hearts as well.
So Jim asked if there was any way the Yes, Virginia fund may be able to help.
We did. In Hot Pink. Engraved on the back for all who may dare to contemplate stealing this one, "Ashley's iPod. iTouch, uDon't."
And on Christmas morning, a girl who long ago gave up the belief in Santa Claus, was given something even more special - the belief in total strangers - the belief that this world IS full of good people.
I'll let Jim take it from here...
With all the things that are currently wrong in this world it is such a breathe of fresh air and encouraging to know that people do still care. It is truly amazing to see your child light up on Christmas day especially when they were not looking forward to it at all. I owe many thanks to you and the DGMS community for giving me the gift of seeing my daughter happy on a day she was convinced was going to be disappointing. You "all" made this possible. Were it not for your generosity and caring for others, this would have been a very bleak Christmas. By providing just one simple gift for my daughter we as a family were reminded that there is love, hope, and joy still to be found in this world.
As I had indicated in my original email, things are not going well for my family. I missed two months of work due to a back injury requiring surgery. That meant no money coming in at all as my wife is unable to work. Unfortunately the outlook is not good as we will be needing to find a new home as well. That "little bump" in our road was our undoing. I say that as a caution because, as I now know, it can happen to anyone. I still count my blessings though and the DGMS community is certainly one of them. I know that in time things will get better. I am back at work but still unable to pull full time hours. That will get better in time as I heal.
I want everyone to know... You made a difference. I am proud to share with you a few pictures from Christmas morning. Again thank you to everyone who made this possible.
On a side note: She loved the engraving. It was perfect. I was also quickly informed this was way cooler than the one she had lost.
I don't go to the movies very often. Between ticket prices and time constraints, I am content to wait for movies to come to HBO and DVD.
But when I do pony up the cash and take the kids to a flick, I have certain expectations:
Butter - Yes, butter. If I am paying the equivalent of a dairy cow for a large popcorn, that self-serve butter vat had better be full. (Yes, I DO know how completely awful that liquid heart attack substance is for me, but as I said, I go to the movies once in a blue moon so I'm willing to risk it.)
A Clean Seat - I am not phobia-prone, however, several years back I settled into one of those nice, big, fabric, recliner chairs in a Cinemark, and immediately jumped out of said seat like my ass was on fire. Truth be told, it was not hot, but rather, it was wet. One quick whiff of the chair and the familiar scent of human juice hit my nostrils. Yes, someone had PEED in the seat.
Peace and quiet - I expect everyone around me to behave and observe theater etiquette. That means turn off your cell phones, don't act like you are the DVD Commentary track for the movie, and cover your mouth if you need to cough - I do not need your bronchial extracts raining down on my hair.
It's that last expectation that seldom gets met by the public-at-large. Teens refuse to stop texting during the movie, like they're going to miss some earth shaking LOL or OMG moment. Adults bring tiny tots who have no appreciation for the seriousness of Will Ferrell in ice skates. And some folks just don't understand they are not on their couches at home - continuing to yak unabated about everything from Grandma's bunions to what they are having for dinner.
Typically I just put up with it, unwilling to invade their space with my derision lest I make the situation worse than it already is.
One gent in Philadelphia, however, does not share my ability to put up with other folk's less-than-respectful behavior in the hallowed darkness of the cinema. (Yes, hallowed. If I cough up $10 a ticket, I expect Pope-funeral type silence and reverence.)
Meet James Joseph Cialella, 29, the Tony Soprano of the multiplex.
All settled in on Christmas Day to enjoy Brad Pitt's Benjamin Button, James came unbuttoned when the family in front of him was not quiet enough for his delicate sensibilities.
After asking them to pipe down, a fight began. Standing on the aisle of the row where the family was seated, Dudley Douchebag threw popcorn on the son and then pulled a gun out of his sweatpants (yes, sweatpants) and shot the father in the arm.
The man was transported to the hospital, James was transported to the jail charged with attempted murder, aggravated assault and a weapons violations.
Hmmmm....has all the makings of a blockbuster, huh? Well, maybe a blockhead buster.
COMING SOON! From the studio that brought you Rob Schneider's The Animal and the big ass bust, Norbit - comes a tale of douchebaggery gone wild.
In the theater far, far away (I am in Seattle right now) sits a man. A man in fake butter stained elastic pants. Elastic pants that hide a terrible secret...a secret that is revealed when the man is provoked...
Whne we first kicked our off fundraising drive for the Yes, Virginia, There Is A DGMS program, one of the early stories I shared with you was that of blogumity mainstay, Jamie. If memory serves, I called the piece, When Push Comes To Love.
I titled it that way because Jamie and her husband, facing difficulties of their own in this hideous economy, and always concerned about his health and complications which arise regularly, ignored their own problems when someone in their lives needed help.
Jamie, her husband, and their five year old daughter Hailey welcomed into their home Jamie's friend and her two young children, when they desperately needed a place to stay, a respite from the awfulness of the domestic situation which threatened their security.
Jamie's family did not even blink - they transformed their basement into an apartment of sorts, providing stability, a haven - focusing on the needs of their friend and her children - not on their own precarious situation.
And I was deeply touched, as were so many of you. Hailey, Lauryn, and Joey were three of the children who were able to hang onto the magic of Santa thanks to your incredible generosity. Jamie sent these pictures along with this note: "Here is the first of the pictures with the children and the gifts you sent! Many smiles from them all morning! It was a good Christmas thanks to you and your readers!"
Lauren and her Polly Pocket Party Boat set!
Jamie said, "Joey never stopped smiling when he opened this up! He wanted to sleep with it that night! =)"
"Joey and his Hot Wheels! He kept running around chanting "I GOT CARS! I GOT CARS!!" =)"
" "It's COOL!" Is how he described it! That boy is in CAR heaven!"
"Here is Hailey and her My Little Pony on Christmas morning in my living room. She slept with him last night!"
"When Hailey opened this she about flipped! When I filled the bottle with water & she "fed" her baby she couldn't wait for the doll to "Pee!" Then she took her into the bathroom to change her so her doll wouldnt pee on my carpet! (How thoughtful huh? LOL) All of a sudden I heard squeel "EWWWW Mom, she really DID Pee!! And its on the rug in here!" I cracked up & said it was just water - not real pee! She just loves that Doll!"
"Here is Hailey next to the tree with her Littlest Pet Shop set. She was playing with it like it was American Idol & had animal "judges" and was voting off the "Contestants" - it was hillarious! "
"Here is Hailey with the Set of Pet Shop critters. Sorry its a tad blurry - all the pictures were takin with a cell phone.
I just cant begin to thank you, your readers & everyone who made this Christmas so very special for these 3 little children."
It was our pleasure, Jamie. And our gift is the smile on each of their beautiful faces.
I know there are a plethora of political machinations behind the bombs. I know there are centuries of unrest, religious wrestling, and outright hate stemming from the strip of sand in question. And I know that generation after generation has been raised - indoctrinated is actually a better word for it - to hate the other side. They don't know why - they just know they do.
I know all this.
But this morning, as we wake to the news that bombs being rained down in Gaza have taken the lives of nearly 200 PEOPLE - yes, people. No different than you, no different than me, the blood running through the streets no different on one side of the conflict that the other - THIS is why it's all so very wrong.
This is a child. The purest representation of the human race. And in his wounded, frightened, confused eyes, you can read every single thing we, as the adult caretakers of this planet, are doing WRONG.
We've made our lists, we've checked them twice (ok, ok, three times - I'm anal). We're off on a trip not naughty, all nice. (OK, FINE - a little naughty - I haven't seen him in weeks...)
The girls and I are ready to hit the road to Dallas to fly out bright and early Christmas morning to see Rudy in Seattle. All that's left is to set the alarm (yes, the house has an alarm, so don't get any ideas about partying here while I'm away).
I wish you all a wonderful Christmas with your families. I plan on spending much of my flight to Seattle smiling as I imagine the more than 2 dozen children who will be opening their Yes, Virginia gifts. Thank you all for making this holiday season so much more meaningful - this blogmunity is truly an amazing collection of people. I may not believe in Santa Claus, but now, more than ever, I believe in magic.
MERRY CHRISTMAS! (and don't worry, I'll chime in while I'm away.)