Catablog

Not a day goes by that my mailbox is not gifted with at least three catalogs.

Seriously, I weep for the trees that give their lives so I may be solicited to buy the latest cashmere turtleneck from J.Jill, ubercool speakers from Sharper Image, the hottest summer fashions from Spiegel, Boston Proper, and Newport News, or a bottle of vitamins and a discreet vibrator from Time For Me.

While I recycle the majority, some I keep around for perusing when I'm bored - they make great toilet reading, or in the carpool line where I spend half my life waiting for my children.

There are always a few on the kitchen table, too.  The kids like looking through them for obscenely expensive birthday gift ideas like the six foot see through ball you can get inside and use to walk on water.  Yes, you can imitate the miracles of Jesus for the bargain price of only $274.95!

Last evening, while enjoying her bowl of ice cream, Carson was flipping through the latest from Hammacher Schlemmer (in case you ever wondered, that's German for (Items Which Cost Too %$^!# Much).  And she found this:

The Pet Porthole. $29.95.

I laughed.

What the hell?  Seriously, do I have a backyard or a submarine?

The pitch is that by installing a pet porthole - which only requires cutting a large hole into your (and your neighbor's) fence-  you can instantly satisfy your dog's curiosity about what's "out there".

Of course, it's much better to install at least THREE of them so Fido has an "unfettered view of its surroundings."

Look, I love my dog and all, but our fenced backyard is for her pooping, peeing, and fetching pleasure, not so she can play Captain Nemo and watch my eldery neighbors prune their shrubs.

What's your favorite (read: most assinine) product in the catalogs you receive?

Comments

[Katy]

Figures it's a beagle looking through the porthole - - they are so nosey!!

[Debbie0116]

I was on a private plane for work yesterday and was flipping thru a catalog on board--with items clearly intended for people with more money than sense. They had an exercise machine called ROM, that guarantees a complete workout in just 4 minutes a day. The cost? Ready? Sitting down? $14,615. Yep...over fourteen THOUSAND dollars. Most assinine product I've seen? You bet! (check it out for yourself at www.fastexercise.com)

[mommy2kimberly&riley]

I got a pet product catalog last week, and it actually had a wall plug-in (think Glade)...but it sprayed a mist that would help your dog "de-stress".

My dog spends her days watching tv on the couch. Seriously, what are the other dogs of the world doing that mine is not?

[ChickyChick (Kathy) to Katy]

Hey Miss Katy - I don't think beagles are any more nosy than other dogs (I just know you said that just to get my hackles up)...I think I will order two of the Pet Portholes, for my pet poochies (which, incidently, are BEAGLES)...oh shoot, first I have to get a fence. nevermind.

[Sara]

I get tons of catalogs each week, I swear it must be due to some genetic disorder, my mom and grandma suffer from the same ailment. I couldn't think of anything from one of them, but on the list os strange products I've seen this week, this one beats all! LOL LOL LOL

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hwocdImA6Z8&feature=related

[ginny]

i recently got a catalog for ummm...a box to spend eternity in...like i needed that...and im always getting one for really heavy people...to make like easirt...one is a curved shower rod...i guess so when your in there it doesnt stick to you and wrap you up like a mummy...oh yeah and a pair of long handled toe nail clippers...so you dont have to bend over to get at them...i wanna know how these people know im well...rather big boned???...but hey i can slip my toe nails all by myself...g.

[ginny]

oops not like...life...sorry..and not slip...but clip...ohh i didnt check my words before i posted sorry.

[Lindsay from VA to Sara]

That is HILARIOUS!!!! I wonder if those people got together with the Hawaiian/Hula Chair people to see whose idea was stupider?!?! Thank you for sharing that video!! :)

[Katy to ChickyChick]

Kathy: I LOOOOOOOOOVE Beagles!!! I had one - Jake, and he's totally ALL BEAGLE. The howling, very vocal. I love their bark! Nope, not meant to upset you, I was speaking only of mine and HE'S NOSEY!!!

[Katy to ChickyChick]

Man, I just can't type this morning. I meant to say, "I HAVE one" not "had" - - he's only two, so he's not going anywhere anytime soon!

[Katy to ChickyChick]

Oh, and one last question - - do your Beagles smell? (as in "stink"?) Geesh, we give Jake a bath and within a day, he's smelly again. Is there a song about the Smelly Beagle?

[ChickyChick (Kathy) to Katy]

Hi Katy - Jake is probably smelly cuz when beagles go outside and find dead stuff they ROLL in it - I have Lucie and Daisy - and if they find even one thing (mouse, bird droppings, deer poo, - anything with a scent) they will roll in it so they smell like it. They do this because they are scent hounds, if they have it on them, they can track where the smell comes from easier - it reminds them of what they are tracking (that's what I read in my beagle book) - Do you have a fenced in yard? We don't - we are on the top of a mountain with about 100 acres of woods and wildlife around us, so animals wander into our yard all the time. Have you ever watched Jake when he gets on a scent? It is hilarious, the noise they make and the circles they run...I am off to a Art Gallery, but answer me - I will tell you more when I get back (time permitting) - email me a photo of Jake to chickychick@hughes.net - I'd love to see him! (I will send you a photo of my girls too!) Kathy :o)

[ChickyChick (Kathy) to Katy]

P.S. I have the funniest little video of Lucie that I will share with you - you will laugh your head off - it's only about 60 seconds - but the funniest thing you will ever see!

[Mom of 5]

I almost hate to admit it, but the only thing that even approaches "catalog" that comes in my mail is the junk mail I get after having run in some bigger road races (10K on up). And 'though I wouldn't buy my running shoes from a catalog if they were free, there are some pretty cool things out there, like running watches with built-in GPS and heart-rate monitor; hydration backpacks for those long, mountain-goat runs; and special socks that reduce friction. My favorite running product, though, is http://www.roadrunnersports.com/rrs/products/BGL01/. You can even put it between your toes, and I've never gotten a blister since I started using it. Best of all, I understand that men can also use it to prevent the chafed, bleeding nipples they can get in longer runs and races. Now THAT'S a useful tool. :-)

[Katy to ChickyChick]

just sent you some photos! Jake's pretty ("got a real pretty mouth...(bango music)" - -sorry, got lost there a minute.....

But your place sounds wonderful! Up in the mountains...hey, maybe that's why I got that flashback above....
ba-na-NA-na-naaaaa

[Missy]

Anything in the Harriet Carter catalog is a hoot.

[Veronica]

I have a catalog from "Things You Never Knew Existed" that has a Hillary Nutcracker in it, I think it's only $19.95 too! You place the nut between her knees and squeeze them together. Theres a dozen or so people I have thought of getting it for...

[Veronica]

OH, BTW the catalog also has the "George Dubya Toilet Brush". Linda would probably love one of those!

[ginny]

that photo of the beagle....if thats a standard 6 foot high fence...man that dog had tremendously longggggg legs...or had a ladder inorder to get up to the port hole

[NH Diane]

I think that doggy porthole is adorable! I'd get one if I had a fence. Oh, and it's not just beagles who like to roll in crap and/or dead stuff. My lab/vizsla cross does it all the time. It cracks me up sometimes though--she'll even try to roll in a little dead beetle if it's got a smell to it. She had a field day recently when I put down some organic fertilizer (chicken poo). She not only rolled in it but ate it as well.

[Kerry]

I never thought cats were the roll-in-the-dirt type as associated with hunting until we were adopted by Oscar.

Oscar is an outdoor cat, and when he first came along, we thought he was just a dirty little neglected kitty. Had fleas, the whole 9 yards.

Now he's cleaned up, takes Revolution, etc. no more fleas. But still dirty. Then I noticed the other day that he is purposely rolling in the dirt until he is dusty! He's gray, but comes home coated in brown grit.

Must have something to do with the hunting instinct in him - he's a serious hunter. Birds, lizards, rats, luckily no snakes (yet.) He brough home a baby bird this morning (recently deceased) and I took it from him. Apparently the need to kill something was still strong in him (don't we all have those days!) because 1 hour later, we had a dead lizard.

[Carrie / Quik]

As far as rolling in stuff...I learned something new the other day. People who own white or grey horses have always said they swear they think their horses roll more, and the argument has been that it just shows up better, they look dirtier, they're not actually rolling more.

Come to find out, they are. They're paranoid, basically. As prey animals, they're very aware that they stand out more than a bay or a chestnut and they roll because they WANT to be brown...because as it was put to me, the white horse at the yard here, Charlie, knows that a sabre toothed tiger would see him before seeing the other boys in the field and that's why he acts so weird...he's an Emo horse.